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Do you have emotional allergies? · Trauma Free Relationship

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I was working with a couple the other day and in this particular
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case it was a traditional male and female heterosexual couple.
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But the wife was trying to bring some of her fears and
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frustrations to her husband, and she was complaining because her
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husband was just unable to really hear her.
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And what she described was that as she would approach, she saw
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that he would immediately sort of get defensive, and then he
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would dismiss or downplay or pacify whatever concerns she
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might have. And she went on to state that
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these were true of anything she tried to discuss in the
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relationship itself, as well as anything that just might have
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happened to her outside the relationship.
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But that she noticed this pattern building up where every
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time she would come to her partner and try to express her
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fears, worries, anxieties, or sadness, that this partner would
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dismiss them. In other words, he was not
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emotionally available and he was not engaged or responsive to
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what she was feeling. And as we dug down into this a
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little bit more, what would begin to recognize is a lot of
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times whatever it was she was feeling when she came to him was
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sort of wrapped around anxiety, since that was a lot of what she
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was feeling. Worry, fear, anxiety.
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And she was feeling that as she approached her husband and try
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to discuss these things. And what was happening for the
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husband in this particular case was that he was sensing this
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anxiety and he doesn't like anxiety.
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He doesn't like to feel anxious. He describes himself as someone
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who fixes problems and solves them and moves on to the next
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one and doesn't dwell on the past, so to speak.
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So his goal was to help her, and I very much believe that that
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was his motivation, to try to be helpful.
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But he did it in a way that didn't validate at all what her
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concerns might be. So the pattern would play out
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where she would come and she would try to discuss something
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with him and she would feel scared or anxious about it and
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he would immediately dismiss it. It'll be OK.
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Don't worry about it. It'll be all right.
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We'll fix it. Well, that's not really that
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important right now. We'll take care of that when we
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need to, down the road, so on and so forth.
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So as a result, over time what built up for this couple was a
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pattern of her not feeling heard or understood and him feeling
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like everything was wrapped up in this anxiousness that wasn't
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always that big of a deal. And again, it's not that he
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didn't care about her, but he just saw these things as as
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solvable and not that big of a deal, and that in some ways she
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was making too much of it. Well, what we what we were able
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to drill down and discuss. And as we pull back some of
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those layers of that pattern was that for him, when she came with
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his anxiety, it hit him in a way that made him feel, one, he was
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responsible for her feelings and two, that it was his job to fix
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it. And so he immediately felt this
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pressure and and and his own anxiety started to rise in his
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own body. And since he couldn't tolerate
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anxiety, since he didn't have a build up of tolerance for that,
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his way of dealing with his anxiety was to dismiss the
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issue, to pacify his wife, to do whatever it took to deal with
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his own anxiety that arose in his own body.
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And this is what I call an emotional allergy, where an
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individual is is allergic to a certain emotion.
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It could be, it could be sadness.
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Some people grow up in their family of origins and sadness is
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just not allowed. We always put on a happy face in
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our family. We always make sure we're
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smiling. We always wear a bow in our hair
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and and I knew someone like this growing up.
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A dear friend of mine grew up in a family where sadness wasn't
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allowed And and she always wore a bow and she always put on a
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smile and she always appeared happy until things weren't happy
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and until things began to really unravel.
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And so as we discovered this pattern with this couple I was
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working with what we discovered was there was an emotional
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allergy. The husband had to anxiety.
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He didn't like to feel it. He didn't like to tolerate it
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and every time it would be transmitted to him from his wife
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through the relationship, he tried to move away from it and
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as a result it built up a pattern of them not feeling
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heard or seen by each other. Something similar played out in
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my own family. Growing up, my father used to
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always tell me to calm down when I would get excited about
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something, when I would start showing excitement or or you
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know, be really, really excited about something that was going
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to happen like any kid like around Christmas or whatever.
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But I can still hear his voice in my head, even at my age as a
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full grown adult. You know, calm down son, calm
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down. And that's what he would always
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say to me. And and I look back now with
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this understanding of emotional allergies and I could see where
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this was something that actually was passed down the family line.
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His family told him not to get too excited.
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Why? Because when you get too
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excited, then the rug could be pulled out from under you.
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You could be crushed or disappointed in an instant.
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So just make sure you temper your excitement.
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Don't get too excited. Always make sure that you are
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keeping an eye on things that could go wrong.
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And I wouldn't say my father was a pessimist, per SE.
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It's just that he didn't often allow excitement to rise up in
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him. So that was something that he
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couldn't really tolerate in me. So again, this is another
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example of an emotional allergy, and we're going to talk today
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about what those look like, what they mean and how we can build
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up a tolerance to these emotional allergies.
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So let's get started. Welcome to Trauma Free
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Relationship, the podcast that provides support and guidance to
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help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
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current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
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scientifically informed information as well as the tools
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to help you create a secure connection between you and your
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partner. And here's your host, Tom
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Philip. OK, as we were talking about
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here, we're talking about emotional allergies.
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How is it that we might grow up in a family or we might have
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some experiences that we then become allergic to a certain
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emotion and it could be a positive emotion or negative
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emotion. As I gave in the opening of this
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podcast, a positive emotion was my own family and my own father
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not being able to tolerate a certain amount of excitement and
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always telling me to calm down and and sort of squashing that
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excitement a little bit. As well as the other example
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with a couple that I worked with where he couldn't tolerate
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anxiety so he would dismiss or he would downplay whatever might
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be causing that. So these emotional allergies,
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whether it's anger, fear, sadness, pain or even hurt, is
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something that we can't tolerate.
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We don't have a a tolerance for a particular emotion.
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And So what we do is anytime we come close to that emotion, we
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then deny it or we sidestep it or we disassociate or we
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downplay it or we compartmentalize it or we we do
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whatever we have to do. And we usually through some form
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of defensiveness in order to deal with this emotion.
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And course certainly trauma can create emotional allergies by
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all means we can, we can avoid any kind of triggers that bring
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about the pain that would cause a re experiencing of our
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traumas. And so avoidance is one of the
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main symptoms of trauma and it's also one of the main tools we
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use to avoid any particular emotion that might 'cause us to
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face our own fears and what those might mean for our life in
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our relationships. So one of my favorite authors,
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Lee McCullough, she called this affect, phobias, affect being
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just another word for emotions or or feelings.
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And they largely grow out of our families that to some degree all
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have a restriction on certain emotions.
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Every family has some kind of emotional restriction.
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Some families angers not allowed and some families sadness is not
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allowed. And so these can be passed down
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to their children who then pass it down the line as well.
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So you have this intergenerational transmission
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of a, an emotion that's just simply not allowed and not
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tolerated. And rarely have I ever seen in
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families that this has been verbalized to one another.
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They don't go around saying, oh, we don't tolerate sadness in our
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family. Oh, we don't tolerate
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excitement. It's just the way we respond to
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one another, the way we respond as parents to our children that
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sends the message that this feeling is not allowed.
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Another quick story. I was working with an individual
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the other day and he was telling me about how he grew up in a
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family and he was looking for guidance and and what was always
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told to him was go figure it out, Go figure it out.
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You'll just have to figure that out.
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And here he was asking questions and craving some sort of
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guidance from his parents and all he got in return is go
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figure it out. So of course that's what he did.
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He went for trial and error and he figured things out.
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And on one hand he's extremely proud of that.
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On the other hand, what that means is that he is not ever
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really learned how people can show up for him and can help him
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and can pour into him and can guide him when he needs that
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guidance. So there is a Uber independence
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about him and over independence if you will, that I'm on my own.
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I have to figure these things out on my own because I cannot
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depend on others. People are not going to show up
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for me and help me. And so often times I skew that
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even that need deep down inside of me, I don't even ask for
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people to show up. I just go and I figure it out on
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my own. And so there's sort of another
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example where being able to show up for each other to help each
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other in times of need were not tolerated and his family growing
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up. So often times the problem comes
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not from the emotion itself, like sadness or anxiety, but
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rather it comes from the stories we end up telling ourselves
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about that emotion. For example, when I said my
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father didn't tolerate excitement, the message I got
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from that and the story I tell myself is things can go wrong.
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So don't get too excited because the rug will be pulled out from
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under you. So don't let yourself feel too
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much excitement. Keep it tempered, keep it damp
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down, because at any moment there could be a turn.
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At any moment something could come out of nowhere and and you
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will be disappointed. So we want to make sure we
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temper our excitement, even even if the situation calls for it.
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We want to make sure we temper our excitement because at any
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moment things could happen that could take a turn.
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And so it's not so much the feeling itself often times as it
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is the meaning that we make of those feelings.
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And those stories can be wrapped up in negative messages about
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the self. So stories like I'm not worthy
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of love, I'm broken and defective.
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I can't do anything right. I'm a loser, worthless or
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incapable. I'm not valued by the person I
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value most. Or it's all my fault and I have
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to fix it. So those are just some of the
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stories. You can insert your own story
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there if you reflect on this. When there's an emotion that
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comes up for you, all emotions have meaning.
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We tell ourselves a story about those feelings, a story about
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ourselves and our experiences. So they're not neutral.
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They're not, they're not narrative free, if you will.
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All emotions that come up for us carry messages and meanings with
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them. And often times when that
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message or excuse me, that emotion comes up, it is because
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it carries a negative message about ourselves.
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And so it's only natural for us to then want to move away from
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that negative message. It's only natural for us to be
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able to throw up barriers or walls or dismiss that feeling.
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Because what we're often dismissing with it is the
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narrative of the story that's wrapped around that particular
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emotion. So how do we begin to overcome
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these emotional allergies? How do we begin then, to try to
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build up a tolerance for these emotions and a tolerance for
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these negative stories so that we can actually stay with our
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partner and show up for our partner regardless of what
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emotion emotions they have? And also, how can we just be
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more attuned to ourselves and not have this dark corner that
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we have to avoid in our interior lives?
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Well, one of the first things I think we have to do is we just
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have to be able to acknowledge the emotion and give ourselves
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permission to feel it. We have to be able to recognize
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that, oh, when I feel anxious, I move away from that anxiety.
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I dismiss it, I downplay it. I distract myself from that
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anxiety from those fears that come up for me because they're
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really hard for me to hold, and they're hard for me to linger in
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those places long enough to get the real messages that are going
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on. And so I just immediately go to
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my protection. I've got my move that works.
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Maybe I just get busy and I focus on something else.
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And that really helps me distract myself from that
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particular emotion and the related meanings of that
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emotion. So being able to just, first of
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all recognize what particular emotion am I allergic to?
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Is it sadness? Is it an emotion of anxiety and
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fear? Is it an emotion of joy or
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excitement? Because people can have
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allergies to positive emotions as well if that's what was
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taught to them and their family growing up.
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So being able to label and identify that particular emotion
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when it comes up for you that you may be allergic to it, and
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being able to identify the ways that you try to avoid that
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emotion, that would be sort of the first, the first step in in
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overcoming your emotional allergy.
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The second step I would recommend is mindfulness.
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Now mindfulness is just simply trying to create a distance
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between the feeling that you have and the related meanings.
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So in other words, you allow this feeling to come up and you
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get curious about it. You don't try to move away from
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it, but you try to create a space that allows you to look at
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the feeling that is different from the meanings in a non
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judgmental way. A lot of times people have
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feelings that come up and they immediately judge those
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feelings. I deal with this all the time in
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my couples where one person feels bad for their partner, but
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then they feel bad that they feel bad.
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So now they're judging themselves for their feeling
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they're having, which prevents them from even being able to
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show up emotionally for their partner in those moments because
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they're judging themselves for even having that feeling.
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Often times, because it's wrapped, that feeling is wrapped
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around a a negative story or negative narrative about the
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self. So creating a space between the
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feeling and the emotional meaning really can help us begin
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to tolerate the emotion better, because we have to learn how to
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be able to tolerate it in ourselves before we can begin to
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tolerate it in our partners. So let's get curious about the
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stories that we're telling ourselves as we experience these
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emotions. And we need to get curious as to
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where we learned that story. Where did we pick up that
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message? Where might that have gotten
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transmitted to us in past relationships or in our family
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of origin? As I told in the beginning the
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story, when I look back I can see my father was always very
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steady. He never got too excited, he
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never got too upset, he never lost too much control.
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He always tried to be rather stoic in his emotions and as a
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result I think he missed out on a lot of joy in life.
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I think he missed out on a lot of times.
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He could have let himself be excited.
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But again as he passed that down to me and I can hear his voice
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in my head. Tom, calm down.
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Tom, don't get excited. Calm.
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Just just calm down. Then then that message was
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passed on to me and it's like, oh, I don't want to get too
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excited because if I get excited, bad things can happen
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and then I'll be super disappointed as opposed to
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telling myself a story. You know, it's OK to get
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excited. It's all right.
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That's a part of life. And it's also OK to be
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disappointed. And if I get excited and then
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something disappointing happens, I can tolerate both those
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feelings without throwing on this whole layer of judgment
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about how I shouldn't be feeling those in the 1st place and that
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that if I hadn't just got excited then I wouldn't now be
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disappointed. The two aren't linked.
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The two can very much be mutually exclusive.
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And so it took me a while to sort of understand that
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narrative and that story I was telling myself, and to let
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myself be OK with being excited about things and to let myself
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experience and to express that excitement to others.
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It also allowed me to be able to be more tolerant when other
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people were excited. When my kids got excited, I
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allowed them to be excited. To show that excitement, to
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wiggle and squirm and and screech or whatever, because
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they were so excited about something, I I had to learn not
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to dampen that for them, but rather to have a tolerance of
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that in my children and my partner, my wife as well.
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So part of creating a secure attachment means you show up for
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your partner that you are available, responsive and
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engaged, regardless of what emotion they are having.
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Which means that we have to be able to tolerate a range of
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emotions in ourselves. It's really hard to show up and
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be available and responsive to our partner if they're sad or
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scared or or or or even joyous about something if we can't
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tolerate those in ourselves. So finding what emotion you're
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allergic to, giving yourself permission to feel it, creating
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a distance between the feeling and the story you tell yourself
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about it. Using mindfulness and not a non
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judgmental approach to experiencing and expressing that
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can go a long way in creating more tolerance internally and
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and more tolerance for a range of emotions so that you then can
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be able to turn to your partner more consistently when they show
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up with a full range of their emotions as well.
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And when we do that for each other in the relationship then
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we start creating more safety, more security, more trust and
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more resilience. Thank you very much for
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listening today. I hope this was helpful to you.
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Again, I really appreciate all you guys tuning in each week.
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I'm going to keep bringing what I think is really important
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content to you. Don't be afraid to respond.
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Let me know what you think about these episodes, what you like,
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what you don't like, what you'd like to hear more of.
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And also don't be afraid to reach out and book a coaching
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call. I'd love to put some names with
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some faces and be able to help you guys with any of these
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concepts that we're discussing. Thank you so much and we'll talk
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to you next time. Thank you for listening to
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Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
22:38
attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
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