Latest / Self Love Podcast / To New Beginnings.

Transcript

To New Beginnings. · Self Love Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hi beautiful spirits, how's everyone doing?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to a new episode, a new season of Self Love Podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, as you guys can see, we have changed the name of my channel.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you guys a little story of why I've changed it.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited to be back.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, I took some time off for personal reasons, and I'll get right into it in just a second.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to explain why I changed the whole aesthetic and name of my podcast.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Originally, it was called Live Walking Journey Podcast.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've had it for a year.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I had you know my ups and downs with that podcast, and you know, I had my moments when I did take time off.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I felt like it was a chapter of my life where I was learning to rediscover myself, and in the process of that, I dealt with certain stuff, and I felt like okay, like this is not who I am anymore.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't identify with that person from a year ago or from that podcast anymore.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because in that podcast, I feel like it was a whole different company person still trying to figure out themselves, and I feel like I kind of understand now why I am the way I am, and you know, I felt like I just I needed to change the name.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: As many of you guys know, I I know I have posted it on social media recently, maybe, uh, or whenever I've post this uh um podcast, but um I signed up my podcast for a competition.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I first thought it was something fake.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: One of my friends sent it to me, and I was like, it's probably another scam.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know how people like to create scams, or maybe it is, I don't know.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: But um, once you sent me the information, shout out to Liana.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I started digging into it and I started looking into the website, and then I went to Ryan Secrets uh page and I noticed that it was real, that the competition was real, and they were looking for a top host uh to come into the podcast and basically win a lump sum amount of cash, which is$25,000, um, and then be a guest in his podcast.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's to open up the six first episodes, if I'm not mistaken.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, I ended up just auditioning.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I basically had to put this big old paragraph, some details about myself, you know, why you want to be the top host, um why I will be the great one, and then I submitted obviously my logo.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, at the time when I submitted all the information, I already knew in my mind that I was changing the logo and I had already changed it.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, so I submitted everything with that, and I was just like, okay, if this goes through, I'm gonna take it as a sign, and this is what God wants me to do.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the only reason being, guys, is because I was actually going to quit recording two months ago.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: That it was that is the main reason why um I stopped recording, honestly.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I feel like I was dealing with a lot of things internally within myself, trying to find self-love.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like I hit a wall finally in life.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not used to this, but I'm always used to figuring things out when things hit the fucking fan.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: When shit tends to fall apart, I tend to be relaxed and you know let things go.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, you know, I got it, or or God has me like we'll we'll take care of it together.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: But this time around, I feel like things are going slow for me, and I feel like I just came to a complete stop.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I feel like I was being transparent in my old podcast to a certain extent because I was afraid of being judged or being brought down.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh because I finally found the courage within myself, and I'm pretty sure a lot of people know and deal with this.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, it takes a lot of courage to even speak up about anything, especially given the fact that I grew up through a lot of bullshit as a kid.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I never spoke up about anything, and finally, one day, you know, a year and a half ago, I woke up and I said, I need to make change.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want to grow, I want to evolve, I want to share my healing process, things that I've gone through, and you know, and then end of the day I did it more because I felt like that was my way of releasing.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's just my talking uh about my issues, my problems, my traumas.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the way that I saw it more was okay, I can help, you know, another little boy or a little girl that may have gone through the same things as I have as a kid, and maybe this will help them, you know, speak up so they don't grow up struggling the way that a lot of us do because I was part of that struggle, you know.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And just recently, I you know, I made a mistake on something that I'm not really proud of, and that ultimately was just like my I guess my rock bottom, besides you know, the fact that I lost my job, guys, recently.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have been struggling, you know.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I I was laid off.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um I was completely shocked because I thought I was doing great, but I I guess not.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I have been struggling for a couple months, and I have been trying to keep things together, keep my house afloat, because I you know I am dealing with some stuff at home too.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it's just it's life has just been tough, and and sadly, you know, it's hard for me to say this, or or you know, for people to believe, even those those that are around me, but I feel like I have no one really to talk to.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I have two best friends that I you know keep in contact with uh constantly, um, Kiara and Hidalia.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, we hardly talk because they have their own lives going on, so we don't really talk, and I have recently accepted and you know realized that I can't trust my own family.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um because I thought that I could be that person to be comfortable enough, or just seeing other relationships within my friends and uh you know social media, how lovely siblings and parents have a relationship with their kids or with each other, and I think I've always held on to the idea of wanting that with my own family, and I kept holding on and you know dealing with the fact that you know whether they like it or not, that we were toxic.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because I say we because I was part of that at one point, and now that I've I've grown all that, I'm just like I don't I came to realize that my family and I have nothing in common, not one thing in common, and and it made me sad thinking about it, and or I think I just had a hard time accepting the fact that I was going to be that different person in a family where I wasn't going to fit in.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think I want to say that, and I know for sure that it's because I don't give in anymore to their toxic ways, then now I became the problem.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: No one wants to fuck with me, no one wants to talk to me, no, I don't get invited to nothing anymore.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um and it's been like that for a while, for a few years now.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I do more and so now I picked up, and before I used to let it affect me, and now um one thing I can say about myself that I'm really proud of is that I don't let it affect me as much anymore.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I get I get disappointed, I don't get very much sad about it, but recently guys, in the time that I did take off from recording, I actually was doing therapy.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing therapy, I felt like I needed it.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like even though I've done therapy three times already in the last um seven years, I felt like I needed a realization of who people that I thought were my people, who they really are.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is that my family little by little started showing me who they really were.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: On top of that, you know, having to deal with, you know, the relationship issues that I have right now, and you know, and my partner is also grieving two people at the same time, and I feel like I'm starting to realize that the things that I thought that made me happy don't make me happy anymore.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: I love being in a relationship, but I feel like that's something that I no longer need, and I no longer want anymore.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I'm still here in the relationship trying to make it work.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um It's just I think for me when I'm in a relationship, I like to give myself 100% to the max to my partner, you know, and I I I I do everything and anything I can to make them happy, or it's just who I am, you know.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a I guess people pleaser because I've always been that way with my family too.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm starting to realize that I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And recently through therapy, I started to realize how much self-love I've neglected for myself because I was too busy trying to love everyone around me, trying to fix everyone around me, trying to just uplift people and be there, you know, as just as a human being because I have a I feel like I have a big heart.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I have carried, you know, internal issues.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: We all have internal issues, you know, and I just I don't know if I can't do that anymore.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I used to love being in love, and that meant with like family, friends, you know, the partner, and and now like I I hate it.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that I hate it, it's just that I feel like I'm starting to learn a lot of my self-worth now, and I'm starting to realize that I need to start putting myself first because nobody really shows up the way that I show up for everybody, and I've realized that in the last year and a half that I can basically do anything for anybody or bring the moon down for someone, and it's just never enough.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm starting to realize that those around me that I love are never satisfied or they're never feel like what I give or whatever is just not sufficient for them, and I'm tired.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired of questioning my worth.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired of questioning my way of loving.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I've I've it's gotten to the point that I started believing that I'm the bad person and everything, and I'm not saying that I'm innocent, guys, because I'm not, you know.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: I I make mistakes like everybody else in this world.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I I will be it would be stupid if I told you guys that oh I'm perfect.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I have made my fucking mistakes, not to the extreme of people always, you know, verbally abusing me and and just always constantly trying to break me down, and that's just something that everybody that I know now around me, they do that, and I just I can't be around that anymore.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just not I don't uh I don't resonate with it, I don't want to be that.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um maybe it stands back with me being bullied as a kid that I don't like bullying people, I don't like talking down to people.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: I may have my opinion about people like behind locked doors or or or you know, for instance my partner, but then that like I'm not the type of person that'll go up to you and you know basically start pointing out your flaws or bringing up shit just to be messy.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm I'm not that I it's just it's not who I am.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: I try to show up for my family the way the best way that I can, um, even when they're having their own problems, and for some reason everybody takes it as me being nosy.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they their issues came to me to begin with years ago, so I never asked for it, and you know, I just was just trying to be, you know, the what older brothers do, you know, they try to help, but it just seems like every time that I try to help or touch anything or love anybody, like it just always goes to shit, you know what I mean?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Lately, I've just been learning to to love myself harder, and that's what therapy has been showing me lately.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's been showing me that you know, for so many years, guys, I thought that I was carrying daddy issues, which at one point in my life I did, I ain't gonna lie.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: When I first started therapy years ago in my 20s, I came to realize that I had dad and mom issues, and and with my dad, it was just more so because he wasn't that great of a great of a person to begin with.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um top of that, he was abusive, and you know, he was struggling with his own demons, and you know, my mom was too busy working, and honestly, just trying the best that she could, you know, being a mother of uh single mother of four children, you know.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't hold any resentment towards neither of my parents.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know that they had their relationship and their flaws, and they both went their own ways, but you know, they've both have equally have made their own damage to their kids.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I recently came to the acceptance.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I've always known this, but I didn't want to accept it because I was like, oh, it's my mom.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, you know, I don't want to think or feel anything towards my mom.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I recently I came to realize, and it's funny because my friends and I talked about that, and I was like, you're crazy.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, therapy confirmed it that I more than anything have mom issues, and what I mean by that, yes, my mom was an awesome provider, she did everything she could to provide for us and take care of us, as far as like the parenting, I feel like it could have been a little better, you know, you know, like a little bit more present, a little bit more there, but I feel like constantly we were always being put down by my mom by my mom.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, nothing ever satisfies her.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I feel like everything that we do in life is a disappointment to her.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, never understood why until recently, maybe I started thinking more, digging in more, um, even with my therapist.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm actually seeing two different therapists, guys.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, only because I really, really want to dig in and make you know changes and and just grow and evolve.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like for so many years, I was so afraid to never do that change because I wanted to do it with my family.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to do it with my siblings, and I wanted to do it with my mom, but I've tried many times throughout the years to I don't know, re-kendle our relationship, fix our relationships.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even you know, recommended for us to have like a siblings day at the at a adventure park.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean sorry, theme park, uh, even with my mom, like us having lunch, and I always get negative feedback from all four of them.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's always some putting down response.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: And therapy lately has made me realize that I unfortunately need to just move on with my life without them in the picture, and I feel like I've always knew this inside for years that I needed to just unplug myself for my entire family completely because they are the very very reason why I I don't grow, believe it or not, because whether they accept it or not, I've always struggled with my own identity as it is, and having a family that's always constantly bullying every single fucking move that I do, every single thing that I do, um, it's always like a judgment for them, like they're just like they enjoy putting people down and even each other, and just I think I never wanted to accept it that this is who I was going to become in life that um I'm unfortunately going to have to miss out probably on a lot of things for my own peace.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a lot of me wanted to do it because I don't want to have any regret of anything when it's too late.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I think I am at peace, like mentally, knowing that I've given my awe.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Literally my awe.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: I have literally have pulled my heart out of my chest and basically told my family, including my partner, here, like this is this is all I have to offer.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just not enough for them.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: I am tired of feeling like everything that I do is bad, and I believed it.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Therapy has been helping me to realize that I'm not the fucking problem.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, I have contributed to a lot of bullshit because a lot of things that have gone on in my relationship, including with my family, it has been because I react.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very, very good.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: It takes a lot, guys, for me to explode.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: It takes a lot for me to not say anything.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I buy my tongue a lot.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Believe it or not, in my 30s, I feel like I'm in my 30s.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've been in my tongue, my sorry, my tongue a lot because I refuse to just lower myself to anybody's standards.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's not saying that I'm better than anybody because I'm not.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not any better than anybody.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's just more like I am just a step ahead from everyone else, knowing that I shouldn't be contributing to this kind of bullshit.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I have, you know, I have.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've had reacted to certain things that my partner, my family says, which they all know, they've all admitted that they do things and say things on purpose to hurt me, which sucks, because they all mark it as that's them showing love, and that's not love.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: My mom has always been verbally abuse abusive to this day, whether she does it intentionally or unintentionally or jokingly or not, it's still hurtful.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And thinking back to all my past relations, relationships to my current relationship, I came to realize that I do have mommy issues.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because all my ex partners, including the current one, are just like my mom.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: To the T.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm starting to understand that I settle for what I Am comfortable with because I've been verbally abused all my life by my family that I let keep leaving.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: I left home when I was 18 to go be with partners that are literally just like my mom, and this is not to say that she's a bad person because she's not.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: My mom's a wonderful person when she wants to be.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: My mom has a great heart.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: My mom has also have gone through things, and she has her own story, she has her reasons of why she is the way she is, or maybe she doesn't understand that she is carrying issues.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's just that the person that she is now at times, her and I just don't resonate anymore.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And in the beginning, years ago, maybe five years ago, when all this was happening, it made me it broke my heart because I thought that I was close to my mom all my life, and then thinking back even through therapy, talking you know out loud with everything.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was just more like I I don't know.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: I would say yes to everything.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: I never said no to her because I in my mind I was just like it's my mom, it's my mom, it's my mom, I can't I can't say that, I can't do that, I can't do that.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: But it's it's affected my growth for so many years.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's to this day my mom and my you know, my grandma's the same way.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: My grandma's the same way as my mom, and now I understand why she is the way she is, and this is why I feel like I don't hold any resentment towards my mom.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or even my father, because my father was also not that great of a parent either.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't blame neither of them for parenting us the best way that they could because they weren't really taught much from neither side.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my dad had a you know parents that were separated and you know they were just always bickering and fighting with each other, and that's I grew into that.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was, you know, I remember being little and seeing how my grandma would treat my grandpa from my dad's side, and that's what I'm used to, you know, when it comes to my dad.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad knows just toxic that, you know.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: And when it comes to my mom, like I said, she is just like my grandmother, um, in every way possible.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think my mom accepts it, but they they're they alike in every say every way possible, and I think that's why they bump heads a lot.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um my grandma never really was in any way, shape, or form affectionate with none of us.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I never saw it within my grandparents either.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: I always seen just my grandpa always being verbally abusive with my grandma constantly before they separated years ago.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um and my grandpa was also not affectionate, so you know that explained why my mom wasn't as affectionate with us either as kids.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we would be lovable with her, but she wouldn't be like, oh, you know, like you know, like a parent.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um again, it doesn't make her a bad parent.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's just you know, my mom has lived through some things too, and and and she's told me before.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: And and and we when she expressed that to me, I kind of now understand why she is the way she is.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Does it make does it make it okay?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely not.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um which I feel like that's the reason why uh I uh almost two years ago within within myself, I was just like, you know what, I need to make changes within myself because if I make these changes, I'm hoping that my family sees it within me and they you know and they follow.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because my family, they're not bad people, they really are not bad people, they're it's just all dealing with internal issues, like everybody else in this world, like me, you know.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it's up to them how if if they want to figure that out or finally realize that they are carrying that.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm no one to tell them, you know, because obviously we don't like to be told when we're doing something wrong, we don't like to be told that there is something wrong with us.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm hoping that's something that they all realize and they don't live like everybody else in this in society where they just are stuck and they don't realize they they are stuck until it's too late.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I've uh I've I've tried multiple times talking to my mom about this, and it's always a shutdown of telling me like I've in my own story, you need to go write your own.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, when I you know when I try to talk about my truth, my truth about things that happened to me as a kid, I'm being talked down to, and that's very much so what I've dealt with with my own podcast, with Live Walking Journey.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: I dealt with a lot of my family, including my partner, putting me down when it came to the podcast.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because I don't know if they're because they're all you know dealing with their own bullshit that they feel they need to again always bring me down, but I've always felt secured about myself, I've always felt secure of who I am, about my struggles, about my flaws.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know what I can bring to a table and I know what I can't.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm aware of that.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: But when you constantly have people that you supposedly love and supposed to protect you and be your safe place, when they're the ones that are constantly ripping you apart, it fucks with you, it fucks with your mind, you know.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: If and and hearing that, you know, that them just talk about how oh you're a fraud, you're fake, uh, you don't even tell the truth.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, well, first of all, when it comes to the partner, he's only been in the picture for almost four years, so he doesn't know my childhood.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just like, how do you know what's true or not true?
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you were not there.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: My family, for instance, when it comes to me sharing stuff, it's always making a joke out of it, and they mark it as oh, we're just it we're just messing around, that's just how we show love.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, it's just what you guys enjoy to do.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: Never expected it from a partner, um, but it did fuck with my mind, it did fuck with my mind a lot through my podcast, and I feel like I that's the reason why I was just sometimes inconsistent with it.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and why I stopped two months ago.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why I stopped because I was just like, well, fuck it, like maybe I I'm just not meant to be anything in this life.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um maybe I'm just meant to just work and which is there's nothing with work, nothing bad with working, you know, but I just felt like maybe maybe I'm just meant to just I don't know, just be here, I guess, and and uh exceed in life.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I believed it.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: I believed it within myself because of hearing everybody around me telling me all that stuff.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: I believed it.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, once I told that to my therapist, to both of my therapists, they were like, why?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why would you allow these people that literally are one of my therapists basically told me, she's like, I'm sorry to say this should have gone why would you believe something when it comes to from broken, fucked up people that don't know any better, they're they're they're not doing any better than me either.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why?
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do I let let it affect me?
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just like, Well, that's precisely why I'm here.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: I want to understand myself why the fuck I let these broken people affect me when none of them are doing better than me.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not saying that I'm any better than them, we're all basically in the same spot.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's just that I'm not them.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not them, like I'm not going to put down my partner because I'm upset or because he's not getting it together or whatever.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I it's just not who I am.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like to put people down, even when they're saying the most ugliest things to me.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I bite my tongue so fucking much when it comes to my partner and my family, and they just nitpick and nitpick, and they don't get a reaction out of me until then I react, and then I become the asshole, and then I start to feel guilty, and then I start to apologize for their fucking mistakes, and then I start to apologize for what I did for me reacting.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: And therapy has lately been teaching me that not everything needs a fucking reaction, not everything needs a fucking response, not everything needs my energy, and you know, I feel like I've kind of in a way mastered that in the last few years of not letting things affect me, but I still let things affect me.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: But it's only from those that know my deepest secrets that use my deepest secrets against me, and it's supposed to be those that's supposed to love me and protect me.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, this journey of self-love is what I've been craving for for so long, and I feel like everything's just unfolding right in front of me.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to wake up.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: I need to wake up and accept it.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: I need to wake up and move on.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: I need to wake up and let go of all these relationships that I think that were good for me or think that I wanted when I know that they're not good for me.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it's sad to say, but it's reality, it's life.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, there is people in life that drain the fuck out of you, they're bringing the ugly out of you, and I feel like the people that have been around me in the last four years have brought out nothing but ugliness in me.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying that I've done extremely bad things, I have done things, you know, to you know ruin relationships with everybody, but I think a lot of it came out of response out of anger, because like I said, it's coming from the people that I'm supposed to feel safe with, and I don't feel safe with them, I don't feel safe with anybody, I don't feel safe with nobody, guys.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't believe no one anymore, I don't trust anybody, everything seems fake to me.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone that I talk to, I don't know if because I'm learning to heal or read people, I just I just don't fuck with people anymore as much.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: As much.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to get to know more people because I've always been a people person, and I don't mean like just people pleasing as far as when it comes to the family and doing chores and stuff, but I love entertaining people, that's one thing that I enjoyed.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: I love doing that, even during but when I was doing uh bartending, I was bartending guys for a while during COVID, and I love the entertainment that I was able to bring to the bar and how was able to connect with every single fucking guy and girl there and just make them laugh and they'll be giggling, and you know, the mate the tips were fucking amazing because I would keep these relationships, you know, just fruitful, you know.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: And with that, I I I I came to realize my potential, and I was just like, oh my god, like I can actually, you know, make people laugh.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because all my life I believed that I I didn't have any sort of talent, I never had a shine or anything because my family made me believe that I was just like it's nobody.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um but entertaining people is what I've always enjoyed in life and sometimes I get upset at myself that I out loud people to make me believe that I had no worth at all and I went through life believing it to the point that I gave up on myself.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I've given up on myself a lot in the last couple years because I started giving into a lot of shit, believing a lot of shit, believing that my way of loving people and showing affection, which is not a bad thing, was bad.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: And now I understand that it that it's not, you know, it's just the people that I'm giving it to.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the wrong people, but I think I feel like I'm more ready now than ever to lose everything and everyone around me, and I mean everybody, everybody, to the point that I would be alone.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: I would be okay because I do miss that surgical that I was when I was living on my own in my apartment.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: I pushed myself to my limits, and I was able to take care of myself for three and a half years, you know, under a roof, maintain a roof by myself, and I was just like, oh my god, like I'm able to do it on my own.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, given the circumstances that I'm in, you know, and a lot of the mistakes that you know I've I've created to I'm just like I think I'm I think I'm ready just to let go and just see where life will take me on my own.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm starting to realize that I don't think relationships are real anymore in this life on this planet.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean being with someone is cool, but I feel like we're all ultimately are born to learn something within ourselves so we can evolve, you know, solely.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: So when we die, you know, we are met with God and you know and praise for you know the growth that we did here because ultimately I feel I feel like we come here as a soul to learn something, and we it's up to us if we want to pay attention and and just make those changes.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like now I'm just like I want those changes more than ever because I don't want to come back here, I don't want to be reincarnated or anything because this planet is not the business, it's just so ugly, full of ugliness, full of ugly people, and just I don't know.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've been feeling really lost, guys.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's the reason why you know I feel like I needed to take time off away.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: I need to take care of my mental health.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the podcast is important to me.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you know, I am very, very thankful for the 36 countries that are listening to the podcast, all 132 cities around all those 36 countries.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm very, very thankful.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like a lot of people continued listening to the podcast, guys, after I stopped recording.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like those two months that I have to that I took time off, like I kept logging in, and then the numbers just kept going up and up and up and up and up and up, and then one day would be so super high.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, whoa, like I need to record.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: I just felt stuck.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: I just felt like I couldn't figure out nothing.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't figure out my relationship with my mom, I couldn't figure out my relationship with my dad, I cannot figure out the relationship with my siblings, I cannot figure out the relationship with my friends, I cannot figure out the relationship with my partner anymore.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm just like you need to figure out who Sergio is now because this new healed and you know coming to understand what life is about now, Sergio.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think the things that used to make me happy, like I said, make me happy anymore.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like if I was in the situation that I am now with the different people around me, I think I would be, I don't know, okay with a lot of things.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a lot of it's just constant repeating cycles that have been happening for years now that I'm just like I can't anymore.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I I I see potential in myself, I see potential in others, and I'm just like we need to just disconnect and just fucking move on.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: Life is fucking short, life is moving so fucking quick, and and I don't want to be stuck trying to figure out anybody else's feelings or anything.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to figure out myself, you know what I mean?
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: I wanna love myself, and for a long time I felt like I wanted to be in love in a relationship.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: For some reason, what my soul felt like it needed that, but now that I'm healing, I've been just like I don't need that, I really don't need it.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: I need to love myself first more than anything, and I'm learning that.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really learning that, and that's the reason why, guys.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I changed my look a lot throughout the years, you know.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: I to the point that I went bald, that was one of my biggest fears.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've talked about this before, but going bald was one of my biggest fucking fears that I I was very insecure about it, and for some reason, me shaving my head, guys, it made me so fucking confident, like very, very confident that I love myself to the T now.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's something about the baldness that I just I love.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I feel like I I'm at a point where I'm confident with myself.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: I just doubt a lot about me, and that's the reason why I you know went to therapy so I can go ahead and figure all this fucking shit out because I'm fucking tired.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired of myself sometimes.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fucking tired of dealing with my own fucking emotions sometimes.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: But for the most part, I feel like I wake up in a such a great mood and you know, thankful and blit and blessed mood that I don't really tend to fuck with anybody anymore.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like in the mornings.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: My partner obviously is grieving and I let him do his own thing, and now I'm just like if I feel in the room that I'm not wanted, I'm just gonna remove myself.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for instance, my partner sometimes, you know, in the mornings, he'll you know, some mornings he wakes up, he's happy, and you know, there's mornings where he I wake up and he you can sense it like the way he answers, like he's just not in the mood, and I just go and just do my own thing, go about my day, remove myself from the house.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I just I don't want to be around that.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't want to be be around any of that.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: And when it comes to my family now, I don't care anymore to miss out on anything.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care to check it anymore, I don't care to miss out on anything.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: The only person that I feel feel like I have the need to keep in contact with is just my mom and my dad, and that's it.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to my siblings, they are carrying their own internal fucking issues, they all have an issue with me.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to sit down and talk to them and see why they treat me the way they treat me, but that's not my job to figure out either.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: I need to just move on with my fucking life and just move on and shit, just keep pushing, like it's you know, discover yourself, learn to to love yourself.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's what life is about, just to love you and who you are and your peace, and that's the reason why, guys, I feel like I needed to change my podcast to self-love podcast because I'm in a journey to discover self-love.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh live walking journey was amazing, but I feel like with live walking journey, I was just focusing more in the healing journey, but there's only so much I can talk about healing because I feel like I've done work, but I have not done a lot of work when it came to that, so I was just like, this is not gonna go anywhere.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_00: I need to change it.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, the aesthetic of my podcast is you know spiritual, but it's not only spiritual, like I I want to make it fun too.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm a fun person.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: My best friends always listen to my podcast and tell me, you know, we love we love when you talk about you know, you you're you sound intriguing, you pull us in.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: But is this really who you are?
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you're more fun, you're more outgoing, like you've gone on lives with people, and you're constantly joking around and laughing with people, you make people laugh, like you need to make your podcast more about that.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, you know what?
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck it, let's go ahead and change the whole aesthetic, let's change the title, let's change the name, let's change just everything, just everything in general, so we can change the episodes.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I want to make everything a lot more fun now.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, be more serious when it comes to the podcast.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, again, like I said, I am very, very thankful for all the listeners that have been listening.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, for everybody that continues to listen throughout and still hang on there, like, I'm sorry, like guys, like I'm trying to I'm really trying to just discover the purpose of life so I can get ahead of life and just share all this knowledge and amazing growth with all of you so you everybody can grow.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's room for everybody in this world, guys.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_00: There really is.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's just we get too stuck in this money-grabbing world.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_00: But nevertheless, guys, I would like to exit with just saying that I am immensively grateful with everybody, with God, even those around me that have hurt me, uh, because they've all have pushed me to love myself more than anything.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I would just like to ask everybody if they can please please vote, guys, on top host.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you go to Instagram, top host or Ryan Secrets, they have links on there.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_00: The voting officially begins on October 5th, which is a Monday, uh, at 10 a.m.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: guys.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: So at 10 a.m.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_00: you guys are gonna be able to vote for your favorite podcast host, and of course, if you guys can just go ahead and vote for me.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to be on air with Ryan Secrets, guys.
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I've told people before, like I I went in with the idea when I signed up for the competition that if I made it, I was just like, I'm not gonna make it about the money because it's not about the money.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the money is nice, you know.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_00: The price is$25,000.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'll I can do anything with$25,000, but to me, I'm just like, okay, it's not about the money, it's about the journey and the chapter, and that's what I'm looking forward to most.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_00: So now when I present myself, you know, to the world, like I want people to know that I'm not doing this for money because this is the this is the problem that I have with everybody that's close to me is that they feel like I'm doing it for money.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not, I really am not because if that was the case, I would have dropped everything that I'm doing and focused on just about cast and you know be this delusion that I'm this influencer, but I'm not like I still have life, you know.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: I still have to figure out my bills, I still have to work, you know.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I'm not doing it for the money, like I really am not.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing it because I want to grow, I want to help change myself and and show my journey to the world so people can learn and grow of themselves too, you know.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then the day I'm doing it all, I'm doing it all for myself, for my future, for for my evolution and no one else.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, some of my dreams are to you know buy both of my parents their own homes, but I need to take care of me first.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_00: I come first, and I am glad that I'm in a different headspace now, where now I know who I am, now I know who my worth is.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to discover what makes me happy.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_00: Who is Sergio again?
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because the old Sergio, I don't know him anymore, and I don't like that Sergio anymore, and I don't identify with him anymore, you know what I mean?
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: But thank you guys so much for listening, and I do appreciate you guys all being here again, and I hope you guys like the new aesthetic.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_00: Please give me your comments and let me know what you guys think.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: If there's anything in particular that you guys want me to talk about in this podcast, go ahead and leave it in the comments or shoot over an email, and I'll go ahead and read them, and then we can talk about it in the next episode.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_00: I love you guys, and you guys will always be my free spirit.