Latest / Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss / Honoring Out Loud!

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Honoring Out Loud! · Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss

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  Cry It Out Loud, a podcast by chasing the rainbows with your
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  host Bernice Quisenberry. This week's podcast episode is
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  called Honoring Out Loud, and it's with Bree and Bee.
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  Hey, Bree, thanks for joining. Of course, happy to be here.
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  Yeah, absolutely. So today, just like our title
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  says, we're going to be discussing, and it's always a
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  hard and sensitive topic around how do we truly honor our
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  babies, right. And I would even say too, this
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  is very different for everybody. You know, we're just going to be
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  discussing different ways that, you know, we have done it, you
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  know, other survivors we've heard have done it.
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  And also, you know, just so then people can pave their own way
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  and find their own way with it, right?
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  It's so different for everybody and and even if you haven't, you
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  know there's a guilt around and we'll probably jump into this.
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  But if you haven't done anything yet and you have this guilt of
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  like, I want to but I haven't, you've done it yet or you're not
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  ready to do it yet. Everyone's at different phases
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  of that and and they have different ways of expressing and
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  honoring. So, yeah, we'll definitely jump
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  into that. Oh, absolutely, Yeah.
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  And, you know, like I was before we jumped on here in the
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  podcast, I was expressing debris.
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  You know, there's one piece that I still haven't done yet, and
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  it's because it's overwhelming for me.
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  And I think it's normal and I can't beat myself up about it,
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  but I do beat myself up, of course.
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  It's natural, but talking about it in safe spaces like our
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  support groups or, you know, with other survivors, it makes
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  me feel like it's OK you. Know and and I think that that
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  validation from others too that you know it's we all have these
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  ideas and I know you were expressing your idea and stuff
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  and we just haven't You're just not there yet.
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  You're not ready to take that step and and make it happen and
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  that's OK. It will come when it comes and
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  you just have to give yourself some grace with that because
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  it's it's so it's such a personal thing and and I think a
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  lot of the hesitation comes from we know it's going to stir up
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  emotions when we prepare this space or whatever it is that you
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  want to do to honor your baby. And it can knowing it's going to
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  stir up emotion. It kind of makes you put it off
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  because you don't want to deal with it.
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  So I think that's completely normal.
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  Agreed. And then just making sure that
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  you're doing it right, Right. Like, am I actually honoring
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  them in the way that I see it? Is it as perfect as I envision
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  it, all of that, You know it. It can go around all of it.
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  But especially when I was so new into the journey of, you know,
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  learning what life is and and what life looks like now without
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  Brooke, it it was hard then to even consider or think about how
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  was I going to honor her in the right way?
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  Yeah. No.
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  I know. And and it's gosh, it's your
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  baby, right. And you like how do you honor
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  somebody you love so much. Like, I just feel like there's
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  no, we want, we want to make it so perfect because they were so
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  perfect. And like it's hard to come up
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  with something so amazing to reflect how amazing they are.
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  And it's a tricky one and it's it's so hard.
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  And I love, like I would love to hear from listeners their ideas
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  because I think sometimes we are stagnant in our thoughts and we
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  don't have the brain power to come up with good ideas.
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  But hearing other survivors, and I know some have mentioned them
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  in our support groups, ideas that they have, that they have
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  they have done. And just hearing those might
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  spark an idea that we're like, Oh my gosh, that would be really
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  cool if we did that. Oh yeah.
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  And I I think that is how I really built what I have done
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  and it was through other survivors and and one of the so
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  the first thing is sharing her story for me.
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  That's a way that I'm honoring her because I'm sharing her a
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  piece of me with other survivors because you don't know who it's
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  going to help, who it's going to impact.
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  And also just feel that connection to another survivor
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  which is so important that unity because we can feel.
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  So it's a great that that's a great way to honor a baby like
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  to just to talk about them because I think when we think
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  about honoring our babies, we we look at the tangible.
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  I think we automatically go to something tangible like we want
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  to have something we can touch or something we can look at.
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  But really just speaking their names and talking about them and
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  sharing your story is a very powerful and impactful way to
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  honor your baby. And it's not always the the
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  thing that people think about as a way to honor their child.
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  So I think I love that. I love that.
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  You mentioned that because to me, honestly, like that is the
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  that's the thing we do the most. My husband and I, we have little
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  things here and there, but we don't have like a space in our
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  house or we don't have you know, these tangible things
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  necessarily. We have a couple like I said,
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  but the the way that we honor them the most is by talking
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  about them. We talk about them with our
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  kids, with our family. I have gone to speaking
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  engagements and shared my story and you know, just honoring them
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  in that way and using what I went through to and and you
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  know, their lives, using their lives to help other people, that
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  is my way of honoring. So I think, I think it's
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  important for people to remember that it doesn't always have to
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  be some elaborate, tangible thing.
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  It can just simply be sharing your story, speaking their names
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  and talking about them. Yeah, absolutely.
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  And and that piece too, of saying their name out loud,
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  right. And honoring them.
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  Yes. And talking about them, all of
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  these things. Because you never know who then
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  in the community will have somebody, a loved one or
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  themselves that will go through it.
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  And it's like, I know I can turn debris.
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  I know I can go to, you know, Bernice, I know I can go here
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  and there and, Oh yeah, they volunteer chasing the rainbow.
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  So, you know, like those kind of things like that organization,
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  you know what daily support like, like they'll know
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  immediately, like where they can go to find that connection.
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  And it also then is somebody else's, it could be somebody
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  else's survival guide. For me, it was you.
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  It was other survivors who I really needed to rely heavily on
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  to want to understand what I was going through and these thoughts
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  I was having. But second, also be in a
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  community of people who didn't judge me, had the empathy,
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  understood exactly where I was at any given time.
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  Even if they're as their journey is different and their story is
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  different but them at least relating and allowing me to feel
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  heard, seen and validated, which is always just so important.
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  Instead of shutting me down or telling me like don't think that
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  way or, you know, because you know the ones that love us, who
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  haven't been through this, don't want to see a suffering.
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  So they think by telling us no, don't think that way.
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  It wasn't your fault. It wasn't this, you know, I
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  still need to feel these guilt, these blame, these shames, you
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  know, and all that that goes with our trauma and grief.
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  So Nope, I totally agree with you.
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  It's definitely sharing your story, sharing about your babies
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  though, challenging and and difficult sometimes.
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  Because I know, like I did a speaking engagement at my church
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  about actually just about a year ago.
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  And I stood up there and I cried and I like was vulnerable and
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  like, it's it's hard to relive and talk about, but it was
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  impactful. And just the amount of people
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  that have come to me and you know, this happened to me or
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  have had it happened since. And I've been able to help, you
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  know come alongside them and and walk them through and having
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  that person to. And you could be that person for
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  somebody else and and just come alongside them and listen like
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  you said, like all the things that we really need.
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  And it's hard for somebody to understand who hasn't gone
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  through it, what somebody walking this journey actually
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  needs. But you know, to have that
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  person. Is amazing.
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  And also to cry and there's those things, you know, in
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  public, in front of people. That's a normal reaction to
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  grief. That is a normal reaction to us
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  living a life without our baby. And it's so interesting because
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  survivors will always embrace one another when they're crying,
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  when they're talking about their baby, even years later.
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  Because we all understand that pain.
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  We've been there. We know it.
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  And it's interesting because, like, our society always wants
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  to shut it down. Like, oh, she's crying.
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  Like don't ever bring up, you know, Landon's name again.
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  Or don't ever talk about Emma or, you know, don't talk about
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  Brooke and and those kind of things.
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  And it's like, no, like this is OK.
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  Like, I can still talk through it and you know it.
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  It's all just a natural reaction.
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  Yeah, I mean, I'm 8 and 10. You know, Emma's been eight
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  years, Landon's been 10 years and I still stood up there and
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  and I and even still there's times on our podcast I say stuff
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  that like, I get choked up about because as soon as you talk
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  about it takes you right back and now it's different.
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  So, like, I'm not right back to stage one, phase one of grief,
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  you know? Like it doesn't take me there.
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  It takes me back to the moment and how I felt in the moment and
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  the memories I have of that moment.
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  And that's what gets me up. Teary eyed or whatever.
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  But yeah, it's it's so powerful to just, you know, speak their
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  name, Share your story and and cry.
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  If you need to cry, it's okay. Yeah.
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  And yeah. And like we said, you just never
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  know who's gonna need to hear that story that day or hear that
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  inspiration because they're going through something tough
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  and they're like, wow, if she got through that, he them got
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  through that. I can get through this, you
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  know? Absolutely.
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  Also. So I feel like it does take away
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  the power of guilt, shame and blame when we share our
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  thoughts, feelings out loud and saying them instead of stuffing
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  them down. And even though it's like
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  cleansing us because we're crying, we're like getting our
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  story out, we're telling it and it's exhausting.
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  But afterwards I always feel so much better because it's like.
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  Like, euphoric. Almost like.
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  I agree. Like, I remember the the one
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  speaking engagement I referred to, I I was upset and crying and
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  I got off that stage and I it was like this, like weight
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  lifted off of me because it was just the power of sharing the
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  story and getting those emotions off your chest.
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  And like the shame and the guilt that I felt and I verbalized it
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  and like there's something to be said about, you know, feeling
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  those things and you shove them down and shove them down.
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  But then to like speak them out loud.
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  And we talked about that you, you spoke about this a little
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  bit last last week. But like speaking it out loud to
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  somebody who you feel safe with is like the most powerful
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  healing thing you can do. Don't, Don't hold it in.
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  Exactly. And and those thoughts and
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  feelings, you know, we've, we've had or we could see how someone
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  has had them, you know, along the way.
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  But it cuts that pain in half each time.
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  Each time that I verbalize it, say it to someone else who gets
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  it in a safe space, like you said, Bria, it's the most
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  important thing, you know, with a community of survivors.
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  And it's like, OK, this is how I'm feeling.
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  Oh, wow, OK And then I'll say it again somewhere else and I'll
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  say it again and again. And it's like each time that I'm
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  like, OK, now I feel like I've processed it.
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  And that is just. Because.
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  Yeah, that, that's the thing. It's it's part of the process
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  like that. That's really what it is.
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  It's like, it's like in order to take those steps forward in the
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  healing journey you, it's part of the process.
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  You have to speak it. You have to say it.
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  You have to feel the feels in order to get you know along your
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  path. Yeah.
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  And I think you know as, as has fixers and things like that,
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  like we always want to jump in and and help somebody.
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  But really it is them feeling and we talked about that last
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  time and feeling that pain and having to walk that journey and
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  finding what works for them and how to cope and how to share and
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  how to communicate and all of those things.
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  Because it's all things I didn't know what to ask for or how to
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  handle until we came up against it.
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  Yeah, definitely. I totally agree.
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  Yeah. So you know an interesting thing
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  with honoring too and I I did this and actually I'll show it
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  in the video. We took Brooke's footprints.
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  I know some survivors don't have footprints and things like that.
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  I know some have used ultrasound images and stuff and we got a
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  necklace made with Brooke's feet prints in them and we also got
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  an ornament made with her feet prints in them.
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  Actually was it was the nurse from the NICU, one of them who
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  did the footprints and that was a way for us to, to honor her,
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  you know, because we didn't have much left besides her
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  footprints, a couple pictures, you know, and her ashes.
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  So it was like, how can I utilize those feet prints?
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  And that was I love. It yeah, that's really cool
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  because it's always around you. I know you wear it all the time
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  and. Like, right in my heart, yeah.
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  Yes, exactly. And and we have, so I have a
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  necklace that my cousin bought me with Landon's name on it and
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  date of birth and stuff. And then when I had Emma a
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  couple years later I got a necklace.
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  My aunt got me a necklace that is an Angel wing and it says
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  your your your wings are ready. My but my heart was not.
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  And then it has like 2 little bars attached to it that have
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  Landon's full name, his date of birth, Emma's full name and her
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  date of birth. So those are I I wear those
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  around my neck all the time too. And we have a, a sign in our
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  bedroom that says if your love alone could have spared you, if
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  my love alone could have spared you, you would have lived
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  forever. And then it has Emma's name and
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  her date of birth. And, you know, so there's
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  definitely, like, these things are nice to have around simply
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  because it's a constant reminder that they're with you and
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  you're, you know, you, you feel like you're honoring them, which
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  you are. The connection.
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  Yes. Yes.
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  So important because, you know, as mom, as as birthing persons,
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  you know, as parents, we all just want to feel that
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  connection to our baby. And how can we still feel a
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  connection if they're not here with us, right.
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  And wherever you believe they are, it's just like, you know,
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  how can you still be connected in some way and and feel like
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  almost feel them like, like, you know, having a piece of her
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  here, it's just like, OK, I mean obviously we would do anything
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  to have our babes back. Not an option.
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  So, you know, what is that? And this is, this is it for you
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  know, as one way, what's interesting is, and this kind of
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  leads into our next one, I'm actually going to take my watch
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  off quick. I'm going to share this in the
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  video because, you know, you can find these videos on YouTube.
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  But I also have her feet prints and a heart on my wrist.
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  And then also I did do a full sleeve tattoo.
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  And I and I'm not saying tattoos are for everybody, not at all.
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  Some people want to get tattoos to honor their, you know, loved
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  ones, some don't. And it's all personal decision
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  and whatever you think. But I did.
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  I did her. How it all started, was doing
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  her birth flowers. And then I have a cardinal on my
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  shoulder and it's like, and then it leads from a branch into the
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  flowers. And then I added my other two
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  children's birth flowers in there as well.
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  But it was a way for me, though, to have her always by my side,
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  like, you can never, like, scrub this off.
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  Like this isn't coming off. It's permanent now.
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  But and then I have her in room and numerals because, you know,
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  Latin's a dead language. I have her birthday and her
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  anniversary date on there, and it's over my pulse.
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  And I did that same with the footprints or over my pulse.
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  And it's just like, 'cause, you know, she's a piece of my heart
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  and she's longer here. So I mean.
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  I love that. Personal, but yeah, So it's
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  interesting. You know, when I first got a
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  full sleeve, I never realized how judgy people can be with
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  full sleeves. And I actually kind of like and
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  I was in corporate America for I don't know how many years.
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  So you know, seeing a corporate business, you know, business
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  suit a woman, then taking it off and then bam, it's like.
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  Full sleeve. Like, shocking to some people.
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  But now, like, it's, you know, become a part of who I am.
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  And it gives me that opportunity to talk about her, any
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  opportunity I can have. You know, the necklace, if
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  someone notices the necklace with her feet, prints.
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  If somebody notices my tattoo, it's like they're like, oh, like
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  beautiful tattoo. And maybe they mean it, maybe
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  they don't or they just like, I called them staring at it, Who
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  knows? But then the second I go to, you
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  know, this is for our daughter who is no longer here.
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  And and then it gives me that opportunity and then it's
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  interesting because how people react to it is different a lot.
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  Different. Yes.
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  Yeah, I know I, I. So Speaking of tattoos, I don't
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  have any, but I have an idea for one and it's been in many.
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  It's been in my brain for about 8 years.
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  I just, I'm trying to figure out where to put it, but it's very
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  meaningful. And I actually think I mentioned
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  last week that I'm going through cancer treatments, breast cancer
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  treatments. And I have a port on my left
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  side, right above my heart. And my husband said to me
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  recently, he's like, why don't you put that tattoo over your
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  scar when you get your port removed?
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  Because it's right above, right above my heart.
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  And what I want to get is a, it's a branch.
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  And there's two big birds sitting on it for my husband and
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  I. There's two little birds sitting
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  on it for my 2 living daughters. And then there's going to be six
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  birds flying off like off the branch to represent the four
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  early miscarriages and two still births that we experienced.
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  So and and like you it's it's one of those things that it's a
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  it's an opens dialogue and I think that's really important.
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  So like some people, you know you may share what it means and
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  they're like, oh, OK, like, sorry I asked.
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  You know, like they don't want to.
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  They don't want to hear it. But then other people like
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  there's just like even with my necklace that I wear how many
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  people have said, Oh my gosh, I experienced a loss too.
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  I'm so sorry. And and and then it's it's like
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  suddenly we're talking about it. And like that's honestly, like
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  that's the whole goal here is of crying out loud is like let's
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  talk about it and like any anything.
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  You know, we were we're wearing the necklace.
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  We have the tattoos to honor our babies.
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  But it's also to open the dialogue and to have people say,
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  oh what is that? That's beautiful.
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  Oh my gosh, what does that mean? You know, and like let's just
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  open that conversation and you just never know where that can
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  lead. So I I I think that's great.
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  Well, and it gives someone else the opportunity then to talk
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  about their baby too. To you.
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  You know that Maybe they haven't.
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  And having survivors come out that are 3040 years out from
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  their loss and they never had that opportunity because of how
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  our society is and they've had to stuff it.
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  And that's, you know, the old school practice and you know
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  it's changing but it's still not, you know where it needs to
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  be. But it's it's like gives them
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  that opportunity. But exactly right.
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  Like that's why we do like I am a baby Lost Survivor T-shirts
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  through Chasing the Rainbows. Because we're trying to get
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  people like, they can see I lost the baby, like come up and talk
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  to me like. Let's let's all unite.
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  Like let's come together because this is, you know, for most of
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  us a lifelong greed thing process.
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  Or you know, instead of stuffing it down, let's just keep getting
• 20:18
  it out there. Like let's keep talking through
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  it because it's just with as common as it is.
• 20:23
  It's so sad that until you go through it, do you really find
• 20:26
  out you know who else has so? Yeah, that's so true.
• 20:30
  You're right and you know, so so in addition to you know, things
• 20:34
  that I wear on my body or have permanently now and and still it
• 20:38
  on my body. I I don't know about you, Bree,
• 20:42
  but I put, and this wasn't a recommendation by my therapist
• 20:45
  at the time put all of her belongings into a beautiful wood
• 20:49
  chest and it was like 1 centralized place because I had
• 20:53
  them scattered everywhere because I knew where they were
• 20:55
  too. Which is so weird.
• 20:56
  Like, I knew some of her stuff was in a desk and then I knew
• 20:59
  some of her stuff was up in her nursery bedroom.
• 21:02
  And like, you know, but then I I did.
• 21:04
  I centralized it all, put it all in there.
• 21:07
  And not that I'm trying to close her away, but then it gives me
• 21:09
  the opportunity when I'm ready or I'm in the right mindset that
• 21:12
  I can get it out and look at everything.
• 21:14
  Yeah, no, I think that's a great idea.
• 21:16
  I we have boxes for Landon and Emma as well.
• 21:20
  I actually got these really nice at a craft store, like these
• 21:24
  really nice baby chest looking boxes and I put all their stuff
• 21:31
  in there and right like a part of me feels guilty that they're
• 21:35
  she's both their stuff is like in a box in my closet.
• 21:40
  I feel like I'm stuffing them away but that's certainly not
• 21:43
  the intention. It's because I do periodically
• 21:46
  go in look through like my girls and I have gone through it
• 21:49
  together and like Oh my gosh, look at this, look at this one
• 21:51
  has this little blood stain on it.
• 21:53
  You know just like we go through the stuff.
• 21:57
  But I think having it all in a in a in a in a location for you
• 22:02
  to when ready open and look through.
• 22:07
  I I think, I think that's a beautiful way to honor them as
• 22:09
  well. Well, and you alluded to it
• 22:12
  earlier, like some of the items that we have are very personal
• 22:15
  to us, right? Like I don't want to share them
• 22:16
  with people and not that, you know, because I just don't want
• 22:19
  them displayed. I don't want them to get ruined.
• 22:20
  I don't want to see something happen to them.
• 22:22
  And that's all we have left. So I also do it for like
• 22:25
  protection purposes. Yeah, that's a great all there.
• 22:28
  Yeah, and and you know, I just need to keep it there.
• 22:30
  So, like our dog doesn't get because heaven forbid, like our
• 22:33
  dog eats a blanket, which she does a lot.
• 22:36
  She eats a lot of blankets in her house.
• 22:38
  And I mean, we like our fleece blankets.
• 22:40
  If you come over, they're holy, you know, it's just like you
• 22:42
  accept it and we just roll with it and you know, it aerates you.
• 22:47
  But anyway, so it's like, if I saw if you could something like
• 22:50
  that, you know, to Brooks blankets, Oh my gosh, she'd be
• 22:53
  for free on the side of the road.
• 22:55
  No, I I would feel, you know, I would be very upset and and it
• 23:02
  would stir up a lot of emotions that just don't need to happen.
• 23:05
  Well almost guilty that you didn't take better care of her
• 23:07
  stuff like that's that's a great point too.
• 23:10
  Like it's. And I think that's you're you're
• 23:13
  saying what I think in my mind I was thinking but I I hadn't
• 23:17
  thought of it is that like they're they're in a box in the
• 23:20
  closet a lot of times. Mostly for protection and
• 23:23
  safety. They're up high.
• 23:25
  Nobody can touch them or get them down except my husband and
• 23:28
  I like, yeah, yeah. And I don't wanna be upset too
• 23:31
  with one of our children wanting to get out a stuffed animal or a
• 23:34
  blanket and wanting to use it either because it is reserved
• 23:38
  that those items that, you know, we picked out and put in this
• 23:40
  chest were for Brooke because they were either with her in the
• 23:43
  NICU or they just were stuff that we received from our baby
• 23:47
  shower or when we were pregnant with her that we just, like,
• 23:50
  honor her with and we associate her with those things.
• 23:55
  So yeah, not even necessarily. Like she didn't really wear
• 23:57
  clothes in the NICU, but we have a couple items of clothing in
• 24:00
  there that were very special when we picked them out for her,
• 24:03
  you know, So it's all those things.
• 24:07
  But you know what's interesting is too, like the memorial inside
• 24:10
  and outside the home. This is the part and we said
• 24:12
  this at the beginning like there's pieces that we still
• 24:15
  feel a little like guilty about and you know that we haven't
• 24:18
  done and one of them is these memorial areas I still.
• 24:22
  So we're coming up on three years here in March 16th, and I
• 24:28
  still have not finalized or even attempted to find the right
• 24:33
  pieces to make these little areas in our home and outside.
• 24:36
  And it's not just for me, it's for, you know, our older son and
• 24:40
  my husband. And so we can have this space
• 24:42
  with honoring her and you know, with Brooks things.
• 24:45
  But I just have not gotten to that point because it feels
• 24:49
  overwhelming every time I try to do it and I try to remember
• 24:52
  gentleness with myself and maybe it's just not meant to be and
• 24:56
  that's OK too. But you know, it's something
• 24:59
  that I still I do feel guilty about it, and it sneaks up every
• 25:02
  now and then. Well and you and I have had this
• 25:04
  conversation before and I think you know you you want so badly
• 25:10
  to make this a perfect space to honor Brooke and to the ideas
• 25:18
  and the logistics to make that perfect quote, UN quote is it is
• 25:26
  very difficult because it will never be perfect enough, right
• 25:30
  Like and I think it it gets too overwhelming when you've got you
• 25:35
  want to make it so perfect because you want to, you want to
• 25:38
  honor your perfect child. And like so you end up not doing
• 25:43
  anything because it's too overwhelming to try to make that
• 25:46
  happen. Yeah, it's crippling.
• 25:48
  It really is. And and you know what inspires
• 25:51
  me though is talking to other survivors and support group and,
• 25:55
  you know, talking to ones that are even years further than than
• 25:58
  me and still haven't done theirs.
• 26:00
  You know, 'cause it, it does. It normalizes it because of
• 26:04
  course, you know, I'm having these feelings and and it all
• 26:07
  makes sense and can be rationalized.
• 26:09
  But then I also get inspired by ones who are just taking that
• 26:12
  leap or have done it. And I'm like, wow, like, you
• 26:15
  know, it's just, it's so beautiful to hear how others are
• 26:19
  doing it. And and you know, one day I'll
• 26:22
  have it and I'll be talking about it on the podcast.
• 26:24
  But for today, I'm just not there yet.
• 26:26
  And that's OK. Three years.
• 26:28
  Later. It's totally OK.
• 26:30
  It's totally OK. Yeah, yeah.
• 26:32
  But then I can decide on something like my tattoo.
• 26:34
  Like, isn't it just something like, oh, that works in your
• 26:37
  mind. But yeah.
• 26:40
  And then, you know, every year for us, like dates are huge, you
• 26:43
  know, like holidays, which we did a whole holiday podcast on
• 26:46
  and like and their special days, like their birthday, their
• 26:49
  anniversaries, anything, you know, their expected delivery
• 26:53
  date, you know, all of that for us, like we celebrate her
• 26:58
  birthday more than we do her anniversary.
• 27:01
  And we chosen to do that because I want to honor her life if I
• 27:06
  can because every time I, you know, March 16th, when that
• 27:09
  hits, it's a it's a hard day. But February 6th, you know,
• 27:12
  which is just a little bit of a week away, you know, we, we try
• 27:17
  to do a birthday cake. We, you know, well we do a
• 27:20
  birthday cake every year and then we, you know, that gives
• 27:22
  our son the opportunity to talk about her.
• 27:24
  Also my husband and I and share that day, you know, but I've
• 27:30
  known people do balloon releases on the birthdays and you know,
• 27:34
  they choose to do that. And then with the holidays and
• 27:36
  special events, now we actually light a candle, you know, to
• 27:40
  start the day. And that allows everybody to
• 27:42
  know that like we're welcoming, like broken, like for everybody
• 27:45
  to talk, not depending on what you believe and what you don't
• 27:48
  believe. Like just welcoming.
• 27:50
  Like if anybody who wants to share thoughts or feelings or to
• 27:53
  know that like we're we are addressing the elephant in the
• 27:56
  room, like we're still leaving, we still include her in holidays
• 28:00
  and stuff. I'm still constantly thinking
• 28:03
  about her during the holidays. So you not mentioning her is
• 28:07
  actually hurting me more because you know, I'm already there and
• 28:10
  thinking of her. So let's just put it out there.
• 28:13
  You know, they're like two big things too.
• 28:15
  No, I think that's a great thing.
• 28:17
  And it it gives the opportunity for you guys to address the
• 28:22
  elephant in the room, like you said, but then also to open the
• 28:25
  dialogue. And hey, it's OK if you guys
• 28:28
  want to take a second and say something about her or like talk
• 28:32
  about her like we're we're not, no, we're not here to like
• 28:37
  ignore the situation or what happened or whatever.
• 28:40
  So I think sometimes people just need permission because they
• 28:43
  don't. And I I I respect that because I
• 28:46
  think some people, if it does come up, they do get hurt and
• 28:50
  they don't want to talk about it.
• 28:52
  But then other people, it's healing for them to talk about
• 28:55
  it. So it's a way to, like I'll give
• 29:00
  give people the opportunity, you know, the, yeah, the opportunity
• 29:04
  to speak about your child and know that it's not going to hurt
• 29:10
  you, but rather it's something you want to talk about.
• 29:13
  And let's just like to that point is you know some holidays
• 29:17
  we do it and some we don't because some some holidays like
• 29:20
  I'm just not you know, and and it is it's for each individual
• 29:23
  and it's however you're feeling however you want to come.
• 29:26
  Grief is so weird. It's not linear.
• 29:28
  It's all over the place. So like.
• 29:30
  If. You want.
• 29:31
  It's not that I still don't want people to talk about her, but if
• 29:33
  I'm just not feeling in the right headspace to do it, or,
• 29:36
  you know, I need to protect myself, 'cause I'm not feeling
• 29:39
  like it's a safe space or like I'm feeling, you know, some sort
• 29:43
  of way with myself, it's like, OK, that's OK.
• 29:45
  I'll honor her in a different way that year, or I'll do
• 29:47
  something different. Yeah.
• 29:48
  I think that's a great point because you're if you're
• 29:51
  comfortable talking about your child today, that doesn't mean
• 29:55
  tomorrow's situation will be the same.
• 29:57
  You may not feel comfortable tomorrow.
• 29:58
  So. Right.
• 29:59
  And and that's where I think family and friends get like
• 30:03
  confused or like what do I do, how do I handle this because it
• 30:06
  it changes and and that's OK and that's totally normal.
• 30:10
  So kind of leading the show and guiding the like, you know the
• 30:16
  the feelings for the day is very helpful for those that are
• 30:19
  around us. Absolutely.
• 30:21
  And you know one of the best pieces of advice and and
• 30:23
  something that I followed since, you know, mentoring, you know,
• 30:27
  survivors and and mediating support group and stuff like
• 30:30
  that is really understanding that one everybody's journey is
• 30:33
  different. It's going to look different on
• 30:35
  any given moment of any given day.
• 30:38
  One survivor says something. Does that not mean that it's a
• 30:40
  candid statement for all? Of course not.
• 30:42
  But also too, you know it's letting them take the lead
• 30:47
  because one day they will believe something and the next
• 30:50
  they might not. But that's grief because it's
• 30:52
  all over the place. So it's just allowing them
• 30:56
  really just to be there to listen and then wherever they're
• 30:58
  at that day, great, you meet them there and and you know you
• 31:01
  do that the though the through the journey, you know and every
• 31:05
  year look different and it's because we're living a life now
• 31:08
  without one of our children here or multiple children here.
• 31:11
  So yeah, absolutely. And, you know, just to name a
• 31:15
  couple more and this leads into the donating in their honor.
• 31:20
  This was something, you know, my husband and I discussed.
• 31:24
  I waited a whole year to figure out what to do with some of
• 31:27
  Brooke's items. And it's not that I was like
• 31:29
  trying to be selfish and hold on to him.
• 31:31
  And I had a lot of guilt with that because I knew there was
• 31:33
  like needy people out there that could use toys, clothes,
• 31:36
  diapers, you know, those kind of things.
• 31:38
  But I had to decide, OK, was I going to hold on to them?
• 31:40
  Because I wanted to keep these as a way of honoring and having
• 31:46
  these items because it's something that I felt in my
• 31:48
  heart was hers, or should I give it away?
• 31:51
  I didn't want to make it emotional because, like, at some
• 31:53
  point I was like, I just want it all going because I don't want
• 31:55
  to look at it or even be reminded.
• 31:57
  And then other days I was like, Oh no, I want to keep everything
• 32:00
  because, like, this is all we have.
• 32:01
  And like, really, like, hoarded it in there.
• 32:04
  So for us to even go through it, I gave myself like a year, year
• 32:09
  and a half. And then we started to weed
• 32:10
  things out. And that's what we did.
• 32:13
  Yeah. No, I think and that then you
• 32:14
  have to do it on your timeline and you know, did it make sense
• 32:18
  to keep the diapers in there? No, but it's like the practical,
• 32:23
  you know, people who haven't experienced it would say no.
• 32:26
  But for, you know, those of us who have gone through it, yes, I
• 32:29
  want to keep those diapers. You know, like it's a.
• 32:33
  Corner them. Yes, her little hiney was
• 32:36
  supposed to be in those diapers. You know, like.
• 32:39
  Oh my gosh, yes. And it was that.
• 32:41
  It was like, you know, it was wipes.
• 32:43
  It was all of it. It was like, I don't care.
• 32:45
  Like these were not supposed to ever be a consideration of
• 32:48
  donating. They should have been used and
• 32:50
  thrown out, you know. But it's mindset that they were
• 32:53
  specifically for her to use and they're she's no longer here.
• 32:56
  So I'm just not ready to part with them because that is like
• 33:00
  you look at those items and you think baby think you're baby,
• 33:02
  you think about changing diapers.
• 33:03
  I know it's, you know, a disgusting part, you know,
• 33:06
  sometimes of being a parent, but it's also things that make you a
• 33:10
  parent, right? And so yeah.
• 33:13
  What I like I like the idea of not just donating tangible
• 33:16
  items, but even like like there's places that do.
• 33:19
  You can buy a brick in memorial of or like, you know, like
• 33:23
  there's different things you can donate to an organization in
• 33:26
  honor of or whatever it may be. Like.
• 33:28
  There's other ways to to to donate and to honor in a in that
• 33:36
  kind of way. Right.
• 33:37
  And like holding a memorial fundraiser if you you want to do
• 33:40
  a fundraising event for a non profit and like you know, honor
• 33:43
  your baby in that way and it's all around you know your baby.
• 33:46
  And or like you said every year for your birthday, like you know
• 33:50
  holding a fundraiser on social media and those kind of things.
• 33:53
  Like there, there's so many creative ways that you can do
• 33:56
  it, and it doesn't just need to be items.
• 33:58
  It can be that you're leading the way.
• 34:01
  But it's really coming from others in the community and your
• 34:03
  loved ones who also want to memorialize your baby with you.
• 34:07
  Yep, I agree. And you know this episode?
• 34:12
  It's called Honoring Out Loud. This has been the name of our
• 34:14
  blog since we started chasing the rainbows, because we want to
• 34:18
  honor people's babies out loud. And just like our podcast Cried
• 34:22
  Out Loud, you know, we want to make sure that you can Share
• 34:26
  your story in a safe space. You can talk about your baby
• 34:28
  even if you don't want to join our daily support groups, have a
• 34:31
  peer mentor, you know, do any of the other services that are free
• 34:35
  that we're offering This is another way that you can honor
• 34:38
  your baby just by getting them out there, getting their name
• 34:40
  out there. And eventually we're going to
• 34:41
  have, you know, with, with the survivor's permission, their
• 34:45
  baby's story on our website and and being able to share that and
• 34:49
  and seeing who it might help and who it might impact.
• 34:53
  So, you know, just feel free to visit chasetherainbows.org and
• 34:58
  check it out and and feel free to submit whatever.
• 35:00
  But yeah, we're trying to gather those in just another way.
• 35:04
  But however you know, you're honoring your baby.
• 35:07
  Like Bree said from the beginning, feel free to write
• 35:10
  in. Tell us how you're honoring.
• 35:11
  If there's something that we did mention that you find helpful
• 35:13
  for other survivors, we would love to include it.
• 35:16
  When people are asking for resources or asking us, you
• 35:19
  know, for advice and things like that.
• 35:21
  And it's just great that we can give it to the families.
• 35:22
  Like hey this is just some examples and you guys find your
• 35:26
  own way and own way of honoring them but.
• 35:29
  Yeah. Definitely.
• 35:31
  Well, thank you so much for being on here, Bree.
• 35:33
  Of course, always I appreciate you and like I said, this is
• 35:38
  always a hard and sensitive topic.
• 35:39
  So we just hope that you know from sharing what we have today,
• 35:42
  you're able to find your own way and whatever makes the most
• 35:45
  sense for you and your family. But thank you so much for tuning
• 35:48
  in and please follow or subscribe to our podcast to help
• 35:52
  us reach as many survivors as we can to unite and come all
• 35:56
  together. And we are always with you
• 35:58
  fertility loss, pregnancy loss, and baby loss survivors.
• 36:01
  Thanks for listening. Thank you.