Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1138 - Do Better, Do Less

Transcript

#1138 - Do Better, Do Less · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: once answers now.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: At the moment. For some people, depending on where you live,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: you might be hearing an ad on the podcast where
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I sing it's the most wonderful time of the year.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Then I stop singing so that you don't have to
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: listen to my singing, because nobody really should be forced
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: to endure that. But Kylie, if you were to describe
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: how our December has been going so far, would you
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: think that is an appropriate description or would you have
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: another one or two words to use instead?
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: I think I'm using fully stuffed right now.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Fully stuffed, as it's been a fully stuffed week, or
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: do you mean like crammed to fall so crammed?
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: I'm thinking of something said, but you can think of
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: anything right now?
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Haw's life fully stuffed. It's just stuffed. If our kids
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: said that, would we be okay with that? Would we
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: look at them and say, don't talk like that?
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: I don't think so right now.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: So this might be tricky. Today on the podcast, we're
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: reflecting on the week that was, as we do every Friday.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: It's called I'll do better tomorrow. How can we focus
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: on being great parents when we are racing towards Christmas
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: and the end of twenty twenty four faster than I
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: have words for. I mean, it is just so full
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: on what can we do to be better parents? How
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: can we make sure that we're present and involved in
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: our kids' lives in meaningful and positive and helpful ways? Kylie,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: what's your I'll do better tomorrow this week?
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: So I'm not gonna lie. I am feeling more stretched
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: than I have in a long.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Time, depleted, exhausted, and context. You didn't want to record
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: the podcast today because you don't have time. There is
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: so much going on.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: But I've been reflecting on the year that we've had
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: and the beautiful gift that you gave me last year
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: of fourteen guaranteed.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Getaways get aways, whether.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: It was a weekend or a week away with the
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: kids or whatever, there was fourteen gatherings that we were
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: able to enjoy, and for me, so much of that
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: was tied up in the recognition that our lives are busy.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: You travel a lot, and knowing that there was something
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: to look forward to each month really made a huge
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: difference in my capacity to keep carrying the load.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and for context in case people are sort of thinking, oh,
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: my goodness, who has fourteen holidays in a year. Some
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: of these were just overnighters, some of them were using points,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: We were staying places for free, like with family.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: A couple of times, well, let's be real, most of
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: them were actually work holidays. A couple of them will
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: work holidays with my help, and I came with you.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: You were coming with me, and so we just did
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: that as well. And yeah, we had a couple of
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: really nice holidays as well, which was just a delight.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: But I think I know where you're going with this.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: You're going to say that it was a lot.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: It was a lot. It was a lot. And as
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: I have reflected on how I'm feeling right in this moment,
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: having only just come back from our final holiday of
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: the year, yep, and feeling just as exhausted as I
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: did before, maybe even more exhausted, if I'm being completely.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Honest, than before we left.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: Then before we left, it has occurred to me that
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: it's actually not about the holidays where we think we're
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: going away to get rejuvenated and you know, kind of
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: have some relaxing time and all of that. And while
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: that does play a part. The reality is that we
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: come back to the same stuff, and in some cases
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: it actually exacerbates the things that we're coming back to
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: because we've now just lost a whole heap of time
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: that we would have been able to utilize to put
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: towards managing or you know, working through whatever challenges or
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: things that we have in front of us. So I hate,
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: I actually really hate the fact that I'm sitting here
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: in this space right now feeling so loaded up. So
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Stuff's the word I've got. It's probably not the best
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: word to use, but I just I feel like my
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: life is just so stuffed and crammed full at the
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: moment that it's really hard to even take a breath,
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: let alone enjoy the space that we have. And I'm
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: dreading the fact that come Christmas Day, I'm not even
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: going to want to get out of bed because there's
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: just been so much in the lead up. So I'm
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: really wanting to work through that and look at next
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: year and how we change things. And as I've been
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: kind of pondering about all of that, the acknowledgment is
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: it's not really about the holidays, It's about actually being
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: intentional about what I put in to my life in
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: the first place. We're here at the end of the year.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: I've taken on a lot with homeschooling this year and
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: the other commitments that we've already had before we had that,
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: and so what does next year look like? So I
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: don't find myself in December feeling completely just spent.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah. A couple of years ago I read a book
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: by an academic called Lighty Klots id why his name
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Lighty klots from the Netherlands. The book was called subtract
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: It was a bit too academic. It wasn't what I
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: would consider to be a great book. However, the book
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: had an overarching theme that really applies to what you're
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: describing right now, and that is that whenever we try
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: to improve things, we generally are additive. We're putting more
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: stuff in, and when there's too much stuff, sometimes it's
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: better to start subtracting. And what I'm hearing you say
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: is to do better. Maybe we need to do less,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: but to do it much more. Well did I say
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: that right? No, you did it, But you know what
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: I mean.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that as I'm reflecting on our year,
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: I just there are definitely there are definitely areas that
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: we can subtract, and so that's my big life lesson.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: So can we start subtracting from tomorrow from today? Can
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: we actually or do we have to get through the
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: next couple of weeks before we get to subtract, because
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: I like the idea of it.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Unfortunately, I think we've just got to get through the
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: next few weeks. Okay, So I don't think there's a
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: lot we can subtract from the next few weeks.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: But I really I'm going to have a cranky and
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: stressed out Kylie for another week or two.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: I'm really looking on to it.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Sleeping and on Christmas Day, we're not going to get
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: asleep in We're going to have our son in law
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: jump on our bed with our granddaughter on Christmas morning
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: and we're going to love that as well. One thing,
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: one thing that I can promise you is it next year,
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: we're not having a single holiday cost of living crisis.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: And even though we did most of these things on
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: the cheap, we are we're not going to go away.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: It's just not happening. So you don't have to worry
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: about me cramming our calendar to forward.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: Trips Okay, what life lessons have you learned?
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Well, it's not this week, but you alluded in your
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: conversation about your odd be better tomorrow to our final
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: getaway of the year. You and I over a year
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: ago decided that I was going to have my first
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: ever legit fared income go away on a surfing trip
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: to a location and get the best waves of my
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: life holiday. And we picked a bucket list location, a
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: place that I've always wanted to go, a place that
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: you and I have both actually wanted to go. And
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: you said, well, if it's a surfing holiday but it's
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: to that location, I'd like to come along as well.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: So we booked for the two of us to go,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: and I had a great time. I caught a whole
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: lot of great waves, but I had an experience there
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: that really bring. As soon as it happened, I thought,
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: this is parenting, this is life, this is how we
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: do life. So I've been surfing since I was thirteen.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: In all that time, You've never come to the beach
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  Speaker 1: to watch me surf. You're generally not interested in watching
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: me in the waves.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: It's not high on my priority list.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: No, I guess if you're trying to reduce things from
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: your life. I had one more for a variety of reasons.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: I've never seen myself surf, but I know that I'm
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: an intermediate surfer. I'm quite competent in the water. I'm
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: surfing big waves and that kind of thing, so I
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: know that I can surf pretty well. However, on this
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: surfing holiday, we were there with some friends. They took
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: some footage and I saw myself surfing for pretty much
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: the first time in my life. And while I'm still
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: surfing competently, I'm not nearly as good as I thought
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I was. In fact, after the first day of surfing
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: where you did get to watch me, and I said, hey,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: I needed you get to see me surf. What was
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: the one word that you said when I asked what
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: you thought about my surfing?
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: I called you a gumby and you haven't let me
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: live it down.
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  Speaker 1: You literally looked at me and said gumby. And it
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  Speaker 1: shattered me. Not that you were judging me, because I
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: had already judged myself, and I felt like a gumby
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: watching myself. Now again, I feel like I need to
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: do some ego protection here because I'm that narcissistic that
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: I care what a bunch of strangers think about my
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: surfing ability, even though nobody's going to see me in
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: the water. I'm not a gumby and I am competent. However,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: I wasn't surfing at the level that I thought that
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I surfed. Have I patched that up?
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Well?
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  Speaker 1: Enough does that I'll move on. Seeing the video and
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: seeing a couple of photos of myself surf gave me
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: a level of self awareness that I can't possibly have
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: without having that reflected back to me. And once I
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: got over myself and my sadness, I had a chat
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: with one of the guys that works at the resort
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: and I said, if there was one thing that I
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: could do, just one thing that I could do that
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: would improve my surfing, what would it be? And he said,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: I reckon, if you did this, it'd change everything. And
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: for the next two days I practiced it. And on
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: the final day of my surfing holiday, when I said, Hey,
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: did you see my surfing? What did you say?
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: I couldn't believe how much you improved just in those
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: few days.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: I looked like a pro. You looked like it, and
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: you were really complimentary. But I saw the photos on
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: the final day, and I looked like a completely different surfer.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: So can you share what the advice was that he
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: gave you? What did he say that you needed to
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: work on?
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: The advice was when I was doing my turns, he
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: just said I needed to move my shoulders and by
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: moving my shoulders my head, that was going to move
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: my hips and I was going to move my body
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: with a lot more power. I just didn't have enough
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: power in my turns. I'm still doing nice turns, but
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: much better turns if I really rotate my whole body
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: through the turn.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: So what I love about that was just the acknowledgment
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: that it requires a whole body movement for you to improve, right,
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: And I saw that the difference between you from day
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: one to day five was massive. Still gunny, but.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: I BELI I've got to keep you humble, But the
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: humility of being willing to ask for advice is important.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: There's a lesson there. Nevertheless, go on.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I don't know what your old did better
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: tomorrow is out of that. But for me, the acknowledgment
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: that if we want to be great as parents, if
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: we want to be fully present for our kids, it
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: requires our whole being oh we can't. We can't actually,
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: you know, go in there and do a half pie twist.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: What you actually need to do is use your whole
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: body to create that shift and change.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: And the best parents are fully immersed. Yeah, yeah, they're
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: giving it. They're all. That's not what my take home
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: message is. But I really like it a lot, and
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: I think it's particularly pertinent over the next couple of
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: weeks as families are together, to really be present, to
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: really put your whole do the hokey pokey, you put
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: your whole self in and don't take your whole self out.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Just keep your whole self in. But no, to take
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: our message for me with self awareness, we are so
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: unaware of what we're doing. We think we're doing it
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: one way. We think we look a certain way, we
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: think we sound a certain way. We think that we're
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I'm talking to our children with kindness, and then you
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: see yourself and you go, holy cow, is that really me?
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: And we don't get the chance to see ourselves. It's
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: taken me. I don't want to do the maths, but
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm about to turn fifty next year and I
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: started surfing when I was thirteen, so that's like thirty
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: six years of surfing, and for the first time, I
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: saw myself surf. And when I saw myself, I realized
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: that I was not where I thought that I actually
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: am was.
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: So my question is, would you prefer to have not
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: seen yourself and then keep the illusion?
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: It was painful. Having the illusion shattered was painful, but
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: it also led to growth so quick. Example, a few
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: months ago, one of the kids was playing a video
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: that they'd been recording in the living room and in
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: another room, I'd been saying something to one of her sisters,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: and over the video I heard my tone of voice
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: as I was speaking to her sister about that thing,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: and it shocked me. It was a moment of self awareness.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: In the conversation with our daughter, I thought that I
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: was speaking to her quite plainly and simply and kindly
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: and gently and explaining what needed to happen. But I
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: heard the video context free, and as I heard the video,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, my goodness, I sound so stern.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: I sound pretty hardcore here. And that was a moment
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: of self awareness for me, and I went, well, that hurts.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: I've just shouted the illusion. I need to speak more
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: gently than I think that I'm speaking because I don't
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: sound the way I think I sound, in the same
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: way that I don't surf the way I think I serf.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: But hearing that allowed me to make the tweaks and
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: hopefully I'm a better parent as a result. That's the
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: conversation self awareness. Having someone somehow reflect it back to
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: us will hurt, I guarantee it, but it will also
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: make us better if we're willing to make it. And
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: that's the whole purpose to day's podcast. It's a whole
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: purpose of the Happy Families podcast. I'll do better tomorrow,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: So thanks so much for listening, and we really hope
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: that this weekend you can do better tomorrow. The Happy
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: To make your family happier. We'd love for you to
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: check out the resources, particularly the books, at happyfamilies dot
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: com dot au and have a great weekend.