Latest / The Kelly Jedele Show / Escaping The Motherhood Matrix With Amber Pecoraro
Transcript
- Amber Pecoraro: you think of it like you're wearing these reality goggles we are starting to see through that lens of the motherhood matrix if we don't really realize Kelly Jedele: Yeah. That's a good analogy. Amber Pecoraro: what we're doing, right? Kelly: Welcome to the Kelly Jedele Show. I'm Kelly. 17 years of building businesses and zero interest in hustling myself into the ground. If you want the business and the life, you're home. Let's get into it. Kelly Jedele: Hi, welcome back to the Kelly Jedele Show. Today I have Amber Pecorrero on the show with me. Amber is a life and leadership coach, speaker, and author of the Escape the Motherhood Matrix. After more than 16 years building a successful career with the United States Air Force while raising four children, Amber knows firsthand what it's like to build a beautiful life and still feel exhausted trying to manage it all. Today, she helps high-functioning women uncover. The invisible beliefs, expectations, and patterns keeping them stuck in overdoing and overwhelm so they can regulate their nervous systems, reconnect with themselves, and create success without losing themselves inside of it. Through coaching, simple tools for working with the brain and nervous system, and her own lived experience, Amber helps women stop simply managing their lives and start actually living them. Amber, I'm so glad you're here. Welcome to the show. Amber Pecoraro: So glad to be here, Kelly. my gosh, I'm I've just been waiting for this conversation. I know, like we we're all in it. Let's go. Kelly Jedele: I know. S months in the making. I mean, so we met in like June, I think, probably leading up to Pink Skirt, right? Yeah. Fantastic. Amber Pecoraro: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And then like got to know each other a little bit more and then here we are. So it's just amazing how things like flow together. Kelly Jedele: Yeah. I love that. I know I bought your book, had to read that. That's so fun. Yeah, Amber Pecoraro: Ha ha ha. Kelly Jedele: it's good, good, good stuff. So you call it the motherhood matrix. So give it to me. What is that? And how do I know if I'm living in it right now? Amber Pecoraro: Yeah, so The motherhood matrix is a construct of reality. And when I say construct, it means that it's being built through beliefs and expectations and our experiences. And a lot of this comes from, you know, as young kids, right? We're taking in all these messages from the way we were raised and society, culture, media, right? That tells us what a good woman is, what a good mom is, right? And so we, even though these are external things. where our brain is taking this in and it's building this in our subconscious and it's really creating like this lens. Like if you think of it like you're wearing these reality goggles and as you know our subconscious is being built through with these messages, it is we are starting to see through that lens of the motherhood matrix if we don't really realize Kelly Jedele: Yeah. That's a good analogy. Amber Pecoraro: what we're doing, right? So and a lot of times we've lived in it for so long that we just think it's our reality. So we Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: never even question it. We just have these Kelly Jedele: Right. Amber Pecoraro: thoughts going on in the background, right? That I'm not doing enough. I'm not good enough. I need to do more, all those things, right? And we just feel like we have to push through them. So a lot of times how you know you're stuck in it is it might your li your life likely looks good on paper, right? Like you've you've gotten the promotions, you've built the business, you've got the family, you've you've checked all the boxes that you thought would bring you this this sense of fulfillment. And happiness, right? But inside, it doesn't feel like you thought that it would. Right. And and just using myself as an example, like I did those things. I I got the promotions. I was on leadership positions. I had the family. I had a beautiful life. But inside, I d I felt like I was completely consumed by it. I wasn't Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: really feeling like I was allowed to really like enjoy the moments because I felt so overwhelmed by them, by the responsibilities, the weight that I felt on my shoulders, right? To to be that best mom, right? That was my motherhood matrix was I need to be the best mom, the best wife, the best leader. Well that's a pretty darn high bar to set for yourself on a daily basis, right? And Kelly Jedele: Absolutely. Amber Pecoraro: I didn't even realize it. Like this is just happening in the background. And so I'm like, gotta do this and this and this so that way I can be the best. And it's like Kelly Jedele: Right. Amber Pecoraro: How is that even manageable? You know? Kelly Jedele: Yeah. It's so in society puts this on us, but we put it on ourselves. It's like this combin like you're saying the glasses. Like we it's a combination of all of these pieces, like how we were raised, what our moms did or didn't do. And then our Amber Pecoraro: Yes. Kelly Jedele: friends and the peer groups and the the mothers of the kids of school or the soccer, you know, like what what's who's showing up? How do they bought store bought treats or are they handmade with, you know, eighty five ingredients? You know? How are they showing up? Yeah. Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: Right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. And social media, Pinterest, all that like makes you know, might make us feel bad for not doing something. And it's really getting clear about what's actually going on here, right? If if I can get conscious about these subconscious thoughts that I hadn't questioned for years, right, that's where we can start to say, Okay, maybe this isn't my reality. Maybe the maybe I'm just wearing these lenses and I never really realized it. Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Is there a time that you can think of that was a specific day that you realized that you were in this? Like not just like the idea of it, but you were like, my gosh, you looked up and you're like, What is happening? Amber Pecoraro: Yeah, so interesting enough, I would say it was probably when I was out of it that I actually realized how much I was how deep I was in it. And and to really kind of take you through that whole story and process, it really starts with March of 2020, which was when I my life kind of blew up a little bit. I was 36 weeks pregnant with my fourth child. Kelly Jedele: okay. Amber Pecoraro: And basically the week that everything shut down, my four year old at the time got a bone infection. Which I was like, I don't even know how this happens. Like, but we he got a Kelly Jedele: Right. Amber Pecoraro: bone infection. We took him to the emergency room and he had to be in the hospital for six days and get surgery. And they t they said you shouldn't come here because you're pregnant, all these things. So my husband was with him. And I've never been more scared of my life, right? Like my my child and is getting surgery and all these things, and I couldn't be there. And then my when they got home, literally the next day, my water broke and I went in into labor three weeks early. And likely because I was in that state of fear. right? yeah. And then Kelly Jedele: Stress and everything, yeah. Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: my son was born early, had he had flute on his lungs, so he had to be in the NICU actually a couple different times. And then finally when we got everybody home, my mom informed me that my dad actually the doctor told him that he had prostate cancer. And there was all these things that were happening like April now of twenty twenty and and the world is on fire, right? And and I'm like, what is Kelly Jedele: Exactly. Amber Pecoraro: going on? you know? And the crazy part about it in the midst of that is it wasn't even looking back at it, it wasn't even that all the stuff I was going through was so crazy. It was really the the pressure that I felt that I had to hold it all together throughout all of that, right? And like, wow. Kelly Jedele: That's fair. That's fair. Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: Right. Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: and then shortly after that, several weeks later, I started getting this itching on my face. And it was like nonstop itching, redness, it turned into these welts. It looked like I got punched in the face. I didn't know what was going on. This went on for months and months. I saw doctors, did creams, did, you know, naturopaths, all this stuff. Had to stop eating a lot of the foods I was eating before. And eight months into that, I actually started working with a wellness coach and she asked me to draw how I felt. And I drew this picture of my face with the welts and tears streaming down into like this puddle of red and and blue. And underneath that I wrote, You are not good enough. You are not a priority. You are a burden to your family. And Kelly Jedele: Mm. Amber Pecoraro: like, my gosh, you know, like so Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: to in that moment I was like, wow, there's something deeper here. Like this isn't just a a physical face issue. Like There is something deeper here, right? And so that was kind of the first inkling. And then shortly after that, thankfully, I found this program called DNRS, Dynamic Neural Retraining System. And I l Kelly Jedele: I haven't heard of that. Amber Pecoraro: Yeah, and and I learned how my brain and my body are working and how and I realized, wow, I've been in a state of fight or flight so for probably years. I've been in this re reactive, like Kelly Jedele: right. Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: must do everything for everyone else, you know, like robot situation, right? Kelly Jedele: Absolutely. Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: And I was like, it totally opened my eyes and I did the program over a long weekend. And that program actually helped me get rid of that physical issue, the itching. But a couple weeks later, I noticed That I didn't feel the mom guilt that I had felt for so many years, this heavy weight that felt like it was on my chest every single day. I didn't feel it. And I was like, wait a second. That was the moment that I realized like I have been in something, and I didn't have the name for it at the time. I didn't have the name for the Motherhood Matrix, but I had been in something and I was now out of that. And it was like I wanna know it. I wanna learn it all. I wanna know it all. I want you know, so then I just started like diving in and learning and and implementing it into my coaching and all of that. And I was just like, you know, I didn't I never thought I would write a book even at that moment, but I was like, more women need to know this. Like I wish I would have known this right. And that was kind of like the catalyst of like I need I need to get this out there. Kelly Jedele: Were you still working for the Air Force at that time when you had this? Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: Yeah. Yeah, so I was working for the Air Force still in twenty twenty and yeah, still in the midst of of my leadership role there and all that. and actually was able to bring some of the things I was learning within my coaching there, which was great. So Kelly Jedele: Yeah, amazing. And so where was the transition out of the Air Force into the the direct coaching? Amber Pecoraro: Yeah, so that actually happened last year when the new administration came in. I had been I actually had like what I feel like was my dream job in the government where I was able to kind of make my job what I wanted, which was a coaching position. And Kelly Jedele: Nice. Amber Pecoraro: I was I was developing the workforce, I was doing coaching programs with leaders and loving it. And then when the new administration came in the off and came in office, their their goal was to shrink the size, right? And I totally get that. and But I foresaw that coaching was not my career field. Okay. So so I foresaw that I was probably gonna have to move back into contracting, negotiating defense contracts, which was what I was kind of doing before. and that I likely wouldn't be able to keep doing the coaching. And and for me that was just like a no-go. I've I feel so strongly about what I'm called here to do. And so I'm like, I I have to be able to do this. And I had already kind of started things on the side. I you know, I had clients and and website and those things going on, but I was like, okay, maybe now's the time. time. And so yeah, it was twenty twenty five, spring of twenty twenty five that I ended up leaving the government and and taking that next step and which actually allowed me the space to actually write the book, which was amazing, right? So Kelly Jedele: That is fantastic. Yeah. It's so funny how life works that way where you know you're either pushed into something or pulled and or life circumstances make something an opening like that for you. That's fantastic. Right. Yeah. You wouldn't have planned that or Yeah. Well, Amber Pecoraro: Yes, yeah. Something I never would have foresaw and it was like, okay, God is literally putting this breadcrumb front of me like it's time to pick it up, you know. Kelly Jedele: I am personally so glad that happened. I'm sorry that it did. And I'm very grateful that you've stepped into this realm where we probably wouldn't have met. So that's great. Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: Exactly. No, I am so thankful too. Like God has a plan. Kelly Jedele: Yeah. So you have a framework, the four Ps. walk me through that and pick one. Show me what, you know, like on a Tuesday, what it would be for a mom with a calendar, full calendar. Amber Pecoraro: Yeah. So the my four piece framework is really taking like You know, a regular mom that's out there that's like feeling this overwhelm, feeling like she's in this matrix, like, what are the the things that she can implement within her life, right? That's not gonna take two or three hours to totally rewire her brain and body, right? But like, what are these small things that she can implement within her day to really move the needle and feel this change, get herself out of this motherhood matrix? And so that's really what the four Ps are. And so they are the first one is prime, priming your your body and brain for safety, really telling your brain. Brain what you want it to expect and see in your day, okay? Kelly Jedele: So powerful. Amber Pecoraro: And then pruning is really like pruning away those things that don't really serve you anymore, right? It could be commitment commitments, it could be responsibilities, thoughts, it could be, you know, your phone, right? Like get beyond social media too much, whatever that is, it could be those things. So that's that that's what really creates space for you to fill your life with what you actually want and you actually need. and then the third one is pause. And that is like literally within that you know, you know, the stimulus and the reaction, right? That those moments. And I'm sure everybody Everybody can relate of like, you know, thinking of a moment where you're like, my gosh, like whether it's my kids are fighting or I'm running late to something and I feel like, okay, I can go this way or that way, right? And a lot of times it happens so quickly that we just go on auto autopilot. Yeah. But but in that in that moment Kelly Jedele: Yeah. yeah. You just react. Yeah. Yeah. With this reactor mode. Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: In that moment in that space, that is where our true power is. And so it's it's practicing see like seeing that moment for yourself and saying, choosing like who do I want to be in this moment, taking a breath, right? And and and it's it's quick, but like practicing that really does help rewire. And then the fourth one is possibility. And I love this one because it's really taking neuroplasticity, which is our brain's ability to rewire itself based off of new experiences. learning new things, novelty, right? So so this really helps with that rewiring process and it's actually kind of fun. So it can be something as small as like, okay, I'm I'm just gonna go to a different coffee shop than I normally go to, right? Something new, or brushing my teeth with a different hand or anything like that. Or it could be something bigger like taking an art class or traveling somewhere in your in your general area that you've never been to before, right? A park or something else. but that really that that novelty, that newness really allows our brains to see different neural pathways, right? If we're running that same pathway of like, I I need to do more, I need to do more, or I'm not doing enough, right? It like lets us starts to wiggle that loose and be like, no, I'm actually doing a lot. Right? Like it starts to build those new things. and so it I would encourage like literally you could do this today after this, you listen to this or tomorrow morning. Priming is so powerful. you know I did it this morning. I did it this Kelly Jedele: It is. It is. Amber Pecoraro: morning. Like literally you can you can as your if your little alarm goes off You can keep your eyes closed and you can still allow yourself to visualize the way you want your morning to actually go with the people that you are going to be with, whether it's your kids or your coworkers or your team or your husband or wife or whatever that is, visualizing your interaction with these people. And so not on top of the visualization, also the feeling, right? The feelings that you want to feel in your body. Kelly Jedele: That makes it that makes it powerful. Amber Pecoraro: Yes, yes, that Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: that calmness or that presence or joy or whatever that is, feel that in the moment because what you're doing when you do that is you're literally programming your brain for what you want it to find and look for and experience. So you're you're wiring it for that day. And so that now as you step into maybe some chaos, right? If my kids are fighting or screaming or running late, it's like my brain's like, okay, we can still look for the presence. We can still look for maybe play. How can I like get my six-year-old to do something by maybe chasing him or playing with him versus being like, get out of the car? You know, like so it's allowing your your it's trading your brain like this is what I want to experience. Kelly Jedele: Well, and what I what I hear in that is being intentional. Like just really aim for what you want and really ask yourself, like what do I want? Don't just be on reaction mode all the time, like reacting what other people's needs are. Which as moms, that's so and employers, business owners, that's you Amber Pecoraro: Mm. Kelly Jedele: know, if we're not careful, we go to our inbox re and we're just reacting all day long instead of like putting the intention forward of what's important for us for our day to get started. I think that's so powerful. Amber Pecoraro: That's so true. And and that's using what we can understand about the way our brain works, right? So like right now, like if the motherhood matrix is running in our subconscious, when we bring things to our conscious mind with like you what you said, making it intentional, that is bringing it to your conscious mind. And when it's there, we can actually choose what we how we want to react. We can decide, right? We can use our will to do that. Kelly Jedele: And I think when when I was a a young mom and had an early business, my my business was really young, it my reaction to things was just, you know, so quick and responsive. And I I would have a moment where I I did I just didn't like how I responded. And so I and I still I still do this, but it's less often. But I mean I used to have these moments when I talked to my daughter, you know, she was six or seven. I was like, I'm so sorry. That I d that's not how I wanted to respond in that moment. Like I I really wanted to do like be more patient, more kind with you. And can we redo that? Can we replay that and have that, you know, conversation again and try again? And then I would get better at catching myself. But you have to be so aware of what's going on for yourself and your child and your environment or your, you know, whatever is happening at work or the office or clients, like so that you're not and I can now my mantra is when I'm on a difficult call or difficult conversation, stay calm. Like stay calm in the moment so I can listen to what their needs are and not react. Amber Pecoraro: Yeah. Well and and the beautiful part of what you just said is you are not only modeling that for yourself as you're practicing it, but you're modeling it for your daughter and for Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: and for your employees, right? That like it's not that we don't feel those feelings, but it's that we number one, don't have to make it mean anything bad about us. It Kelly Jedele: Right. Amber Pecoraro: it really just means we're human, right? That we're we're that we're having Kelly Jedele: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: this experience. It doesn't have to mean that I'm a bad mom or bad you know, leader or whatever. It just means that I'm human and I have these feelings and that's okay. And also that it as we become more conscious of that and as you practice it as you have, that now it becomes easier and easier because you've created those new neural pathways in your brain that like, I don't have to like freak out or feel like I'm behind or that I'm not doing enough if I'm not doing these certain things or I'm not successful at these certain things, right? Kelly Jedele: Yeah. How have those steps and that that just framework have helped you in your life as you've gone through, especially the last year with so many changes? Like not having, you know, that every day going to work, you know, that the Amber Pecoraro: Mm. Kelly Jedele: office thing and having writing your book, there's a lot of dedication in that. How has that affected your life in the last year? Amber Pecoraro: I mean it's yes, the four Ps have been super helpful because it's helpful like even as you know, you know them. And that's the thing here too, is like we know a lot of things, right? But it's in the practice, right? So Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Right. Amber Pecoraro: it's like when we actually practice, that's when we start to feel differently. And when we feel differently, we start becoming the person that we actually want to be. And I and that's what has happened for me. You know, I mean, you know this as a business owner stepping out and as a mom. I feel like those two things as being a business owner. And a mom is like where your conditioning almost gets like turned up high volume because it's like you are putting yourself in these positions to really grow and expand yourself, whether you know it or not, you know, like yeah, because like Kelly Jedele: Yeah, you have to evolve. Amber Pecoraro: motherhood is like you never know the right answer, right? You're just trying to figure it out. And same Kelly Jedele: No. Amber Pecoraro: with being being in business sometimes, right? You're just like you're figuring it out as you go. And so you're constantly having to like grow and expand. And it may Kelly Jedele: Everyone turns to you d for the answer. I don't Amber Pecoraro: Yes, yeah. And it Kelly Jedele: know. Amber Pecoraro: yeah. And and it makes us face those things within ourselves that maybe have always been there, but we've kind of just pushed through them where they're like, Nope, you're gonna have to face this because in order for you to get to your next level, you're gonna have to figure this pe piece out, right? Kelly Jedele: Yeah, yeah. I've heard a long time ago, our life evolves to the equal distant to the the different difficult conversations we're willing to have. And so Amber Pecoraro: Yeah. Kelly Jedele: whenever I am, you know, challenged or presented with a difficult conversation, I really allow myself like this is an opportunity for me to practice. you know, evolving as a human. And they never feel good. It's never something I want to do. And I also, you know, I'm I'm signing up for practicing all of those, you know, pausing, reflecting, being present, listening, you know, h hearing the other person out. 'Cause I'm not maybe I don't have the whole story. So it's just it's it's very helpful to be just mindful of all of that as a leader and and and Amber Pecoraro: Mm. Kelly Jedele: still as a mom, even though my girl's almost twenty four now. So Amber Pecoraro: Yeah. Well and to your Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: point, like the things that feel uncomfortable are usually a clue of the things where we can grow, right? Kelly Jedele: Yeah. Amber Pecoraro: And so as you've continued to have h difficult conversations and things like that, it's probably gotten easier and easier because you have expanded your capacity to hold that space. Kelly Jedele: Yeah, yeah. It it sometimes feels easier and sometimes it feels like I'm starting all over. Amber Pecoraro: Yeah. Kelly Jedele: It depends on the day. Amber Pecoraro: Well, I feel like that might be similar to okay, I feel like when my kids are certain age, like I'm like, Okay, we got this, we figure out and then literally they go to a different phase of life. Like my daughter just hit being a teenager and I'm like, I know nothing. Like I'm literally like I know nothing. Kelly Jedele: Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It w we're either the teacher or the student. It depends on the moment, the day and the season of Amber Pecoraro: Yes. Kelly Jedele: life. Like it's constantly changing. There's never like a a flow state where we're just like, Okay, that's it. I'm in it. Amber Pecoraro: Yeah, that's Kelly Jedele: Yeah, no, that's great. That's great. Well, thank you so much for sharing with me. I this time together's been so wonderful. I love having you here on the show and thank you for for being my friend and connecting and I look forward to just getting to know you so much more in the future as we get Amber Pecoraro: Yeah. Kelly Jedele: to walk through this life together. Amber Pecoraro: Yes. Kelly, thank you for having me on. You are so generous and you're such an inspiration. And I watch all your stuff online. And so it's it's just great to be in your presence and to be able to connect with you. and then I I think I gave you like the link for so people can get access to my four Ps. So so Kelly Jedele: Yes. Yes. Amber Pecoraro: it's if people want to call like jump start really getting in there, I have a 10 day reset. so if they sign up for that escape toolkit, they will get those four Ps where they can start practicing practice. those within their daily life and I will guide them Kelly Jedele: Awesome. Amber Pecoraro: every day to do that. So it's just it's a great way to really hold yourself accountable and really they can do it with a friend. Like sending it to a friend and doing it with them is even better because then you have somebody to talk to about this kind of stuff even more and they're with you, right? And they're helping hold each other accountable. Kelly Jedele: It's so true. And the difference between knowing it and practicing it is like a whole two different things. Absolutely. Amber Pecoraro: It's yeah. Kelly Jedele: So yeah, taking it and going. So thank you so much. So Amber, thank you. Escape the Motherhood Matrix, go get it. Amber's information will be in the show notes along with her Esc escape toolkit. So go check it out. And listen, if you're sitting there thinking that sounded exactly like your life, that's not a coincidence. It's the point. You're not broken and you're not behind. If something in this hit, send it to one woman who needs to hear it. That's exactly how this podcast grows, one fabulous conversation at a time. Strong doesn't mean solo. I'll see you next week. Bye. Kelly: That's the show. One favor before you go. Send this to one woman who needed to hear it today. Strong doesn't mean solo. I'll see you next week.