Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #438 People Matter, Things Don't

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#438 People Matter, Things Don't · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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Speaker 2: Now. I think sometimes as parents, we kind of feel
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Speaker 2: like we've told our children time and time and time
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Speaker 2: again what needs to happen. We go through that induction
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Speaker 2: process and clearly nothing is getting in because it doesn't
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Speaker 2: matter how many times I tell her, we still end
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Speaker 2: up with the same result. And now here's the stars
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Speaker 2: of our show, my mum and dad.
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Speaker 1: Well, we've made it through day one of our children's
0:33
Speaker 1: first day at school and oh, mostly happy Kylie. Everything
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Speaker 1: seems to have gone okay. This is Justin and Kylie Calson.
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Speaker 1: We are the founders of Happy Families dot com dot you,
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Speaker 1: and I'm the author of six books about raising happy
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Speaker 1: kids and the parenting expert on chall nine's Parental Guidance. Kylie,
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Speaker 1: you are on Zoom with me today because we're still
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Speaker 1: trying to work out how we're selling our house and
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Speaker 1: moving to the coast, and we don't get to be
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Speaker 1: together as often as we need to be. But the
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Speaker 1: podcast continues. It's surviving and so are you. How are
1:04
Speaker 1: you going with the kids and me not being there
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Speaker 1: for a few days each week.
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Speaker 2: Well, they're now all back at school. Life is getting
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Speaker 2: a lot easier.
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Speaker 1: A bit of extra time on the beach for you,
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Speaker 1: is how what are you saying?
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Speaker 2: Maybe but I won't rub it in?
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Speaker 1: No, no, please, please, please don't because this Brisbane summer
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Speaker 1: sure has been hot and sticky. Hey, We every now
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Speaker 1: and again love to answer listener questions, and this one
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Speaker 1: caught my attention for a whole lot of reasons. It
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Speaker 1: comes from Alex, who says, our six year old daughter
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Speaker 1: keeps trashing her glasses and it's getting really expensive. In
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Speaker 1: nine months of having glasses, there have been five repairs needed,
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Speaker 1: and other than one incident that wasn't her fault, they've
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Speaker 1: all been because she was, you know, being six. A
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Speaker 1: couple of days ago it happened again, and now there's
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Speaker 1: one hundred dollars bill for a new lens. This time.
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Speaker 1: I was there when it happened, and she burst into it.
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Speaker 1: Is I externalized my frustration by making sure she knew
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Speaker 1: that it wasn't her. I was upset with the situation.
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Speaker 1: While it was obvious I wasn't happy. As the first
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Speaker 1: words out of my mouth were double the usual volume.
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Speaker 1: I reined it in and there was no shaming, of
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Speaker 1: punishment or consequences. For those that think there's a difference.
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Speaker 1: She cried about it and kept saying she was sorry,
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Speaker 1: But she also cries and says sorry she drops an
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Speaker 1: ice cream. How can we help her learn to take
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Speaker 1: responsibility and ownership given that sending her to school with
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Speaker 1: broken glasses isn't an option As a she needs them
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Speaker 1: to see and be I'd rather buy new glasses every
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Speaker 1: week than shame anyone, let alone her. What I'm really
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Speaker 1: mindful of is that at the moment, she's self confident
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Speaker 1: resilient enough to be comfortable wearing glasses. She currently likes
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Speaker 1: wearing them and brushes off the occasional playground taunt as
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Speaker 1: the other kid's problem, not hers. But that might not
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Speaker 1: always be the case, and so Alex is basically saying,
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Speaker 1: what am I supposed to do? I could buy a
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Speaker 1: dozen pairs online from Asia or not worry about it,
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Speaker 1: But that seems to send the wrong message on many levels,
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Speaker 1: regarding personal accountability, buying you way out of responsibility, the
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Speaker 1: ethics of disposability, and environmental ways. I mean, this is
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Speaker 1: a thoughtful question about a six year old who really
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Speaker 1: just is having a hard time with protecting friscryption glasses,
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Speaker 1: which are expensive.
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Speaker 2: Kylie, we have our fair share of prescription glasses in
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Speaker 2: our house, and we do have one child who we
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Speaker 2: had to replace arms on her glasses no less than
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Speaker 2: three or four times.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, that's right. What did we do? I'm just
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Speaker 1: thinking about in relation to responding to Alex and what's interesting.
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Speaker 2: As I was reading it, I was actually thinking he
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Speaker 2: was going to tell me that she hated wearing them
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Speaker 2: and she was actually breaking them on purpose, and that
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Speaker 2: was what the big problem was. But he nailed it
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Speaker 2: on the head. She's a six year old and our
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Speaker 2: daughter was actually a little bit older than that. But
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Speaker 2: when we actually watched what was going on, she was
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Speaker 2: just being a kid. She was rumbling tumbling with her sisters,
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Speaker 2: and her glasses got in the way and they cracked
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Speaker 2: each time.
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Speaker 1: Have you noticed that kids generally don't take responsibility for
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Speaker 1: anything at all. They don't take responsibility for their bedrooms,
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Speaker 1: they don't take responsibility for the dirty plates, they don't
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Speaker 1: take responsibility for very much at all. And this is
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Speaker 1: an opportunity for us to just step back and consider
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Speaker 1: when is it appropriate for children to start taking responsibility.
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Speaker 1: I know that there are some people right now who
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Speaker 1: are grown adults who are thinking. My partner, my adult
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Speaker 1: partner that I've been living with for last in twenty years,
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Speaker 1: doesn't know how to take person or responsibility for some things.
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Speaker 1: It's a developmental reality that if you're raising a child,
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Speaker 1: especially a child who's only about six, that you are
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Speaker 1: going to encounter these kinds of challenges and trying to
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Speaker 1: force developmentally inappropriate things at a developmentally inappropriate time simply
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Speaker 1: doesn't work. It's kind of like saying to your six
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Speaker 1: month old, get up and run. They're not going to
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Speaker 1: do it. They're six months old. So Alex, my first
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Speaker 1: piece of advice is, let's just acknowledge the developmental reality
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Speaker 1: that six year olds aren't good at taking responsibility as
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Speaker 1: a general rule. Some kids obviously, yes, but most not
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Speaker 1: so much.
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Speaker 2: I think sometimes as parents we kind of feel like
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Speaker 2: we've told our children time and time and time again
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Speaker 2: what needs to happen. We go through that induction process
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Speaker 2: and clearly nothing is getting in because it doesn't matter
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Speaker 2: how many times I tell her, we still end up
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Speaker 2: with the same result. But that's part of their learning process,
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Speaker 2: going over and over and over and over and over
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Speaker 2: and over the same things, and eventually she will get it,
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Speaker 2: but at six, it's going to take some time.
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Speaker 1: So the example that I like to use is learning
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Speaker 1: to write a name or learning to tie up shoes.
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Speaker 1: These are not particularly challenging tasks. As adults, we've got
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Speaker 1: it down without I mean, we do it automatically, we
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Speaker 1: don't have to think about it. But you think about
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Speaker 1: how many times you had to show that child how
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Speaker 1: to type those shoelaces, how many times you had to
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Speaker 1: put the pen in the hand, show them how to
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Speaker 1: hold the pen and get them to write their name,
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Speaker 1: or even brushing their teeth. I mean dent to say
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Speaker 1: that you're supposed to brush your kid's teeth until they're seven.
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Speaker 1: They're not supposed to do it on their own until
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Speaker 1: they're about seven, because it's a somewhat complicated procedure that
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Speaker 1: needs to be done well, needs to be done right.
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Speaker 1: So when it comes to looking after things, remembering, regulating,
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Speaker 1: managing emotions, managing behaviors, pausing and planning, the brain actually
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Speaker 1: can't do it. So more than anything, Kylie, as much
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Speaker 1: as I do agree with what you've said, I keep
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Speaker 1: coming back to those two words developmental reality. The child's
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Speaker 1: brain has not developed to a point where it's going
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Speaker 1: to sink in, and you're going to say it again
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Speaker 1: and again and again and again, and then one day
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Speaker 1: it will sink in, and it will sink in for two reasons.
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Speaker 1: Number one, repetition, but number two, the developmental progress, the
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Speaker 1: maturation of the brain will get us there. So the
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Speaker 1: second critical thing that I think we've really got to
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Speaker 1: hit home with in terms of helping our younger children
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Speaker 1: to be responsible for their things, is to set them
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Speaker 1: up for success. There are certain things that you can
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Speaker 1: do to alleviate the likelihood of these breakages happening. It
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Speaker 1: might be by some glasses that are less likely to break.
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Speaker 1: It might be having one of those headbands that go
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Speaker 1: around their head so that the glasses don't get dropped
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Speaker 1: or scratched. Instead they just sort of hang around their neck.
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Speaker 1: There are different ways that you can set your children
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Speaker 1: up to be successful, different reminder systems, different habits that
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Speaker 1: you can form and create together, and I would say
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Speaker 1: brainstorm them with your child.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, having conversations each time it happens to understand what
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Speaker 2: took place and maybe what we might do next time
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Speaker 2: so that it doesn't happen again, will be ongoing, but
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Speaker 2: will definitely be an opportunity for learning and growth for
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Speaker 2: both parent and child.
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Speaker 1: Hey after the break. Three more ideas to help kids
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Speaker 1: to learn to be a little bit more responsible when
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Speaker 1: they're developmentally not quite there. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
7:47
Speaker 3: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
7:50
Speaker 3: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
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Speaker 3: of Disciplined as a webinar to help parents set limits
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Speaker 3: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at Happy
7:59
Speaker 3: Family dot au slash shop.
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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, And I'm wondering,
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Speaker 2: what is the third thing that we can help parents with.
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Speaker 1: Okay, so, in terms of getting our children to be
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Speaker 1: a little bit more responsible, especially when they're young, I'm
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Speaker 1: going to speak directly to this issue of the glasses.
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Speaker 1: This may not apply to everybody's situation. The first two
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Speaker 1: ideas certainly do. But the third one is have you
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Speaker 1: heard of insurance? Like optometrists and dentists other healthcare providers,
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Speaker 1: people who provide services and goods to you often sell
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Speaker 1: insurance packages, and I reckon when you're dealing with little
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Speaker 1: kids and these health items, these medical items, whether it's
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Speaker 1: glasses or whatever else it might be, I reckon it's
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Speaker 1: worth spending the extra few bucks and getting that insurance
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Speaker 1: because you can all but guarantee that the kids are
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Speaker 1: going to lose something, breaks something, damage something, or cause
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Speaker 1: other sorts of upset. So that's my third idea. It's
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Speaker 1: a really simple one. My fourth one, this is where
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Speaker 1: I'm going to get a little bit hard and heavy,
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Speaker 1: and I don't recommend this especially as a first or
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Speaker 1: second or even third option, But at some point sometimes
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Speaker 1: we do have to teach our kids a little bit
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Speaker 1: of a lesson. And so it might be that Alex
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Speaker 1: sits down with this precious little six year old who's
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Speaker 1: having such a hard time with these glasses, and that
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Speaker 1: Alex says to the six year old, you know what, kiddo,
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Speaker 1: this is the fifth time this year that we've had
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Speaker 1: this problem, and I know you feel terrible about it.
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Speaker 1: Do some emotion coaching, make sure that she feels safe,
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Speaker 1: make sure that she knows she's not quote unquote in trouble.
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Speaker 1: But once things have calmed down, and there's been lots
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Speaker 1: of hugs. I think that Alex might say to the
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Speaker 1: six year old, when you break things, there's some sort
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Speaker 1: of a cost that's involved, and together we need to
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Speaker 1: work out what price is reasonable for a six year
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Speaker 1: old to pay. It might be that the nex year
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Speaker 1: old has to pay the price of giving triple the
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Speaker 1: hugs on a Saturday morning until the glass situation is fixed.
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Speaker 1: Or it might be the six year old has to
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Speaker 1: help one with the dishes or dad with the dishes
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Speaker 1: every night until the glasses are paid for. Maybe it's
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Speaker 1: going to be three weeks worth of dishes, even when
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Speaker 1: you don't want to do them and you've got tired legs.
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Speaker 1: But there should be some level of accountability, some opportunity
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Speaker 1: to be making up for it. If that's going to happen.
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Speaker 1: It needs to be fun. It needs to be warm.
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Speaker 1: It needs to be about connection. It cannot be about punishment,
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Speaker 1: because as soon as we make it about punishment, that's
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Speaker 1: a problem. But it can be about the accountability. Hey,
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Speaker 1: we're going to go and have some fun now and
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Speaker 1: do that next chore. Remember we've got to do it
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Speaker 1: for twenty one days in a row. We're going to
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Speaker 1: do it for five days in a row or whatever
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Speaker 1: it is. But we're going to do it together and
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Speaker 1: we're going to have nice time. But when we break things,
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Speaker 1: we have to pay for them. This is how you're
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Speaker 1: paying for them.
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Speaker 2: You said you had five. What's your last tip?
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Speaker 1: Oh, this is my favorite one. People matter, things don't.
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Speaker 1: We've talked about this in the podcast before, Kylie. But ultimately,
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Speaker 1: we're talking about a pair of glasses and we're talking
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Speaker 1: about a six year old. And I know it's all money,
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Speaker 1: and I know it's frustrating, and I know that it's
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Speaker 1: painful quite frankly, but at the end of the day,
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Speaker 1: your daughter matters so much more than the glasses. I'm
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Speaker 1: not suggesting that kids should be allowed to get away
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Speaker 1: with anything and everything, and we've talked about different ways
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Speaker 1: that we can navigate that throughout this podcast. Ultimately, though,
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Speaker 1: the central message needs to be even if a child
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Speaker 1: has to pay something off, even if they've got to
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Speaker 1: work it off, even if you've got to pay more money,
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Speaker 1: and all those sorts of things, people matter. Things don't.
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Speaker 1: If your daughter starts to think that the thing she broke,
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Speaker 1: whether it's glasses or a vase or a plate or
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Speaker 1: a window, if your daughter starts to think that those
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Speaker 1: things matter more than she. That's when we start to
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Speaker 1: end up with some I think, some really big connection challenges,
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Speaker 1: some really big issues around well being and self worth
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Speaker 1: and those kinds of things. We need to let her
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Speaker 1: know no matter what, even if she's broken her fifth
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Speaker 1: pair of glasses in nine months. We're not happy that
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Speaker 1: the glasses broke. But people matter, things don't. And I
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Speaker 1: would actually use those four words with my daughter.
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Speaker 2: We had an opportunity to practice what we preach a
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Speaker 2: few months back when one of our children had a
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Speaker 2: bit of a crash.
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Speaker 1: Oh yes, and.
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Speaker 2: We have a two thousand dollars excess on our insurance
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Speaker 2: and she had to come up with that money. But
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Speaker 2: the reality was we weren't upset with her. We recognized
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Speaker 2: that while it could have been avoided, it could have
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Speaker 2: been a lot worse. And she wasn't being silly. She
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Speaker 2: just was a little bit inexperienced.
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Speaker 1: Inexperienced is what she was.
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Speaker 2: Yes, And the reality was that while we weren't upset
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Speaker 2: with her, it wasn't our responsibility to pay the bill,
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Speaker 2: so she worked hard and she had to come up
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Speaker 2: with that money.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I remember my initial response was probably a little
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Speaker 1: bit elevated, but I came down and I actually think
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Speaker 1: I said to her, people matter, things don't. We love you,
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Speaker 1: We know that it was an accident. We're so sorry
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Speaker 1: that you're going to have to pay the two thousand
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Speaker 1: dollars excess. We know that that's going to hurt you.
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Speaker 1: But we want you to know that we still trust
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Speaker 1: you and you're still welcome to drive the car. And
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Speaker 1: that's the whole message here. We love you no matter what.
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Speaker 1: We love you. If you break the glasses, we love you.
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Speaker 1: Smashed the car, and you know what, People matter, things don't.
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Speaker 2: It's a great message. I love that one.
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Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
13:35
Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. And if
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Speaker 1: you'd like more messages, more ideas, more ways that you
13:41
Speaker 1: can make your family happier, you can find it all
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Speaker 1: on happy families dot com dot au. We'll find us
13:45
Speaker 1: on Facebook. Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families