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Your Partner Is Not The Problem...The Cycle Is · Trauma Free Relationship

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Have you ever felt stuck in your relationship when you try to
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talk about something important to your partner?
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Does it feel like small things can become big arguments?
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Or do you ever get nervous about how your partner is going to
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respond before you even bring up the conversation?
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If this sounds like you and your relationship, then here's a
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little hint about what may be going on.
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Your partner is not the problem, the cycle is.
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Today we're going to unpack this.
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We're going to learn about what a cycle is, why and how it comes
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to dominate the relationship, and how to start coming together
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against the cycle as a couple. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm your host, Tom Philp, and
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I've been working for years helping thousands of couples
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break out of their painful patterns that keep them stuck so
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they can learn to communicate better, repair more quickly, and
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stay connected longer. Let's get started.
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OK, at the opening here, I'm just talking about a couple of
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different scenarios, right? That one is you may be able to
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kind of predict how your partner responds.
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And if that's the case, then quite frankly, you're probably
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in a cycle before you even start the conversation because your
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body is already primed to expect it to go poorly.
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And the cycles taught you over and over and over that it will
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go poorly. Or if you feel like, you know,
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we start talking about small things and we end up in these
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huge arguments about nothing, Well, that's because the cycles
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taken over. And the cycle is just simply
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these painful patterns that couples can get locked into.
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And when those patterns persist for a long time, they can come
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to dominate the relationship. They can break down trust.
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They can increase resentment. And ultimately, they break
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connection for the couple. They can't seem to find a way
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past the cycles or through the cycles in order to repair and
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reconnect. So as I said, we're going to
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break this down and we're going to understand this a lot better
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because this is so, so, so important for so many couples to
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be able to recognize about the relationship.
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And let me say this too, of the thousands of couples that I've
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worked with, this is the very first thing that we do in our
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work together. We learn the cycle and the
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couple learns how to come together and recognize the cycle
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when it happens. And then they learn tools and
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techniques in order to break out of the cycle.
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Because when they can restructure the cycle, then
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they're in a much better position to actually get their
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needs met in the relationship and really feel a safe sense of
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connection. OK, why do cycles happen?
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Well, first of all, they happen because we have something called
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a protective instinct. And so when when we get
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triggered by something, we move into our protective instinct.
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Another name for these cycles besides say patterns, painful
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patterns, is patterns of protection.
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Because that's what really happens is when we move into
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these cycles, one or both partners have moved into their
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protection. And it's really difficult for
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them to be able to break out of that once they're in it.
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So often times couples might think or say to themselves, you
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know, if my partner would just listen more or if they were more
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sensitive or if they didn't shut down or my partner attacks me
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all the time. They're always criticizing me.
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I can never get it right for my partner.
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These are the kinds of things that keep us stuck in the idea
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that our partner is the problem. But there's a way we're showing
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up and there's a way we're contributing to that as well.
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And so we only see our partners reaction, especially when we're
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in our protection. When we move into a defensive
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place, what we're doing is we're sensing a threat, a threat to
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our cells or threat to the relationship.
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And when we sense a threat, our body is primed to protect us.
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But when it's primed to protect us, what it's doing is it's
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looking outward for the threat. It's not reflecting because it's
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not in a place and in the in the part of the brain to be able to
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recognize, oh, right now I might be contributing to this problem
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as well. It can't see that.
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That's why our protection is is on one hand, it's it's needed
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and necessary. On the other hand, it is such a
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detriment for us being able to connect and to restructure and
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break these cycles in our relationship because we don't
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see our place in it. We don't see the system that
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we're both inside of, meaning me and my partner.
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When the cycle takes over, we create this system and it's
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really hard for either partner to be able to recognize what's
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happening. And so when all this happens,
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the brain says, oh, OK, I feel a threat here.
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And now I've got to either neutralize the fret threat or
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I've got to avoid the threat or however you know, your body's
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learned to respond to this. And, and the threat is coming
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from my partner, it's not coming from me.
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I doesn't I doesn't see how it's contributing to it right now.
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And so it's just trying to new neutralize the threat as much as
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possible. So when couples focus on who is
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wrong, they miss the real problem and that is the pattern
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between them. And so one of the things we
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talked about and sort of a mantra and trauma free
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relationship is your partner's not the problem.
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The cycle is your partner's not the problem, the cycle is.
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And So what does the cycle exactly look like?
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Well, first of all, a cycle is is just a system, OK?
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And it is a repeating predictable loop that creates
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escalation and disconnection in a relationship.
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And as I mentioned, this can also be called patterns of
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protection. But a cycle is a repeating
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predictable feedback loop creating escalation and
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disconnection. And it keeps couples stuck.
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So here's sort of what it looks like.
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There might be a trigger and then partner A will react and
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then partner B reacts to partner A, which then causes partner A
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to react to partner B, which creates escalation and
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defensiveness and protect protection strategies, which
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creates disconnection and ruptures in the relationship.
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So each person's protective strategy sort of unintentionally
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triggers the other partner. That's why they're also called
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patterns of protection. But notice the feedback loop
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there. There's a trigger.
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Partner A reacts, Partner B reacts to partner A, and then
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partner A reacts to partner B. And then the escalation grows.
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And then disconnection grows, which creates ruptures.
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And then when couples don't have the tools to know how to repair,
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then those ruptures can linger for hours, even days at a time,
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which really breaks down the relationship.
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And that's why these cycles are so destructive to a relationship
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is because they can last a long time without the the know how to
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to repair. Let's talk for a minute about
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some of the the rules of cycles. What, what are some of the
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governing principles, if you will?
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Well, first of all, a couple is seen as a living system with
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patterns, feedbacks loops, and organizing principles.
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What do I mean by that? I mean as a relationship coach,
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as a therapist myself, I do not see a couple when they're
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sitting in front of me as two individuals.
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What I'm looking for is how did these individuals come together
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to create a pattern for how they deal with and and negotiate
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certain aspects of a relationship.
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For example, one of those aspects might be how do we
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handle conflict, right? And these patterns were
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developed early in the relationship and when they grew
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into painful patterns, negative patterns of interaction, then
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they can become really rigid and dominate the relationship.
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O When we talk about how do we handle conflict, some couples
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learn to avoid conflict or to be explosive in their pattern
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towards conflict, or they, they felt like they had to win over
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their partner. They couldn't agree to disagree
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or they couldn't have enough respect to tolerate different
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views. I mean, there's lots of things
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that can happen in, in terms of negotiating conflict, but a
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pattern grew out of how the couple learned to negotiate
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that. Another thing the couple learns
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how to negotiate is vulnerability.
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When one partner shows up vulnerable, how does the other
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partner respond and how do they handle that vulnerability?
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And how in turn does the vulnerable partner then feel
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safe and secure to do so in the future?
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So patterns can be created around all of these essential
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elements that that have to be negotiated in the early stages
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of a relationship. And so patterns can be created
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and with that, feedback loops can occur.
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So when one partner struggles to handle the other partners
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vulnerability, he or she might shut down, might pull away,
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might try to dismiss it or quickly solve the problem.
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This teaches the other partner that my partner can't handle my
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vulnerability, my partner can't handle my vulnerable emotions
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and it's not safe to me for me to come to my partner.
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And so they don't do that. And as a result, it creates a
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feedback loop because their protection of, of not feeling
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safe to open up and be vulnerable, their partners
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protection to not be able to tolerate that vulnerability
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teaches each other that their protective patterns are what
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dominate, not, not the, the connective patterns.
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And so the feedback loops occur. And ultimately what happens is
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the couple creates what's called organizing principles.
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And what that means is that they now have a rule of thumb for how
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they handle vulnerability in the, in, in their, in their
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relationship. And this rule of thumb is not
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necessarily ever spoken. It's not like they sit down and
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say, he said, you know what, I'm really not very good with
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vulnerability. So it would be great if you
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could just not be vulnerable around me or not need me in that
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way because I really struggle with that.
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Oh, that's not going to work for me because, you know, I like to
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be vulnerable because it's part of how I connect and I need a
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partner. So gosh darn, that's going to be
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really hard to not they don't sit down and speak these things
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out in the open, right. And, and it's sort of like
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families that we grew up in and the way our family handle
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vulnerability or the way our family handled emotion, period.
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And some families emotions never talked about, right?
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What is rewarded, what is seen and acknowledged is performance.
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And so if you've got an emotional issue, well, you need
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to put that away and you just need to deal with it on your own
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because we don't deal with that in the family.
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That's not something caregivers ever explicitly say to their
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children. It's something they act out on
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their behavior. And that becomes an organizing
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principle, meaning the the system gets organized around
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that principle. And the same thing happens in
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couples. They end up the system gets
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organized around this rule of thumb, this principle that that
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if goes on long enough, if never seen called out, restructured
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becomes extremely rigid so that every time a vulnerability might
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come up, that principle is going to organize itself in the same
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way. Hope that's hope that's clear.
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So that's one one of the rules, so to speak, around cycles.
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Another one is circular causality, right?
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So as as a relationship coach and a therapist, again, I don't
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see a couple as as separate individuals, so to speak.
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What I see them is 1 causing reactions in the other, which
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then causes reaction back to the other.
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This is the whole trigger. A responds, which then causes B
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to respond, which then causes A to respond to B, and the
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feedback loop continues. And that's a little bit about
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what a feedback loop is. It's circular causality.
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And I hear this a lot. And what this looks like in
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relationships is a couple will sit down and they might be
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recounting A disagreement they had during the week and they
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might say have different, very different versions of that.
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And so one partner might jump in with the other partner telling
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the story. Go.
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I didn't say that. I only said that after you said
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this other piece. You're leaving something out.
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Well, I didn't say that. That's not how it went.
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It went like this. And So what they're doing is
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they're telling me that there was circular causality in the
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relationship, but neither of them, because they had moved
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into the protection, their protection, are accurately
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seeing that causality. And so they're they're
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eliminating certain things. What they're remembering is how
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what their partner did that felt threatening and how they respond
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and they're not putting all the pieces together because they
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just simply can't. Their brain was blocking certain
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things out because it was in its protection.
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So circular causality, that feedback loop that happens is
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definitely a part of what cycles are an additional rule if if you
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will rules. Probably not the best name for
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these. I'll have to think of something
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better, but an additional an additional governing principle.
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Maybe that's a better way to say it is that a couple functions as
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a Co regulating nervous system. So if you've listened to any of
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my other podcasts, you will be we're aware of how much I talk
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about attachment and attachments really important, not just not
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just beyond attachment styles. Those are fine.
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They're they're kind of they're descriptive of how people might
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respond when they feel feel threatened by their partner or
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threatened by their identity or something.
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So you know, it, it's nice to kind of help people understand
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characteristically how they might respond when they feel a
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threat to the relationship. But beyond that, attachments
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really important because modern attachment theory looks at a
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couple as a Co regulating nervous system.
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When you've been with your partner 18 to 24 months, if
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you've been with them that long. Another reason we we as as
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relationship coaches and therapists don't see you guys as
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separate individuals is because you've been with each other long
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enough that a a firm attachment has taken hold and your nervous
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systems are now wrapped around each other and you Co regulate
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each other because that's part of what the attachment system
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does. It is a biological wiring to
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another human being and it creates dependence whether we
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like that or not. That's how it works.
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That's just a truth of attachment.
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We all want to think we're more independent than we really are.
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But just go home and have your partner give you a certain look
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or use a certain tone and and observe how your body reacts and
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you know immediately how dependent you are on your
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partner. So your partner might come in.
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Let me give you an example. Your partner might come in and
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they might have had a bad day at work.
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Well, you might have had a great day and you're excited to tell
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them something. But immediately, soon as they
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walk in the door, you sense something's wrong.
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And all of a sudden that's just like a bubble being burst inside
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you. Oh, I'm not going to say
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anything right now because it's not going to go over well.
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I'm not going to get the reaction I thought I was.
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And so as a result, I'm just going to hold on to this news
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until my partner is in a better place.
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That's because your partner is Co regulating with you, right?
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You sense their mood. Your mood drops to kind of match
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theirs a little bit more. Even though you might have been
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excited, you don't rush right in and tell them that because you
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want them to be excited for you. You want a certain kind of
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reaction to help you feel good about your good news.
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And you know, in this moment, you're not going to get that
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reaction. So that's kind of just an
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example of Co regulating nervous systems.
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And that's another way that that these governing rules or
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principles work. When we start talking about
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cycles, another one is that couples organize themselves into
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stable patterns. And those are those painful
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patterns I've talked about or those cycles that is so much the
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topic of this podcast. But here's the caveat.
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They will organize themselves into these stable patterns, even
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if the pattern is painful. And that just breaks my heart
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when I actually say that. And I hope it does yours a
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little bit too. I see couples stuck and in
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painful patterns and they stay in these patterns for years and
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not get out of them. So they will, they will
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stabilize these patterns because that is just kind of how they've
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told themselves that the relationship is.
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Well, it's just the way we are. It's just our dynamic.
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It's just the way my partner is or it's just the way I am.
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And so they don't realize that there's this pattern that
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actually was Co created by each other and they actually have
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some power and control over it. But they will, they will
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organize into these stable patterns and they will persist
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in these stable patterns, even if the pattern is painful.
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And so here at Trauma Free relationship, one of the mantras
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we have is change the cycle, change the relationship.
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And that means that even if you are working on yourself, even if
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your partner's not part of that change with you, they're,
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they're not part of the development and growth that
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you're going through right now, you can still have an impact on
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the relationship, a profound one, I would say, because if you
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change the cycle, you force the relationship to change, you will
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force your partner to respond differently.
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And so we say change the cycle, change the relationship, OK,
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stop fighting your partner, start fighting the cycle.
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Your partner's not the problem, the cycle is.
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So what can we do to begin to try to restructure some of these
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cycles? What can we do to begin to see
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this pattern play out and do some things differently?
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Will the first one you have to do is you have to be able to
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recognize some of the early warning signs.
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And one of them is like I mentioned earlier in this
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podcast, which is. You know, if you feel like you
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know exactly how your partner's going to respond before you even
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bring up the topic, then you're already activated, you've
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already been triggered, and you're already going in
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contributing to the cycle, the cycles already started.
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So recognizing those types of early warning signs, another
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early warning sign. You and your partner are sitting
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there having a lovely conversation together, no big
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deal. And then all of a sudden, uh oh,
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something feels off. Uh oh.
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In the communication, I call it the Otto moment because in the
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communication, something, something now took a turn and,
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and, and they're, they didn't understand something you said.
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Or now you're repeating yourself a couple of times, which is
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another early warning sign because you're not feeling heard
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or understood. And all of a sudden you can just
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feel in your body that shift that begins to happen and it's
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that uh oh moment. So recognizing some of these
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early signs is really important. Being able to recognize the
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pattern when it starts is extremely important as well.
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What does the pattern look like? What, what different types of
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patterns do you as a couple, you and your partner fall into?
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Because understanding and being able to recognize that pattern
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is crucial to being able to restructure it.
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And then of course, another thing you can do is as you begin
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to recognize those early warning signs, as you begin to really
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understand what your pattern looks like, then you need to be
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able to catch it early before it gets heightened or starts.
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And so, for example, one of the patterns, and this won't be news
21:45
to you if you've listened this podcast very long, is the pursue
21:48
withdraw pattern, right? So a more anxious style attached
21:51
person is in a relationship with a more avoidant style attached
21:54
person. And they can create these
21:56
vicious cycles and, and these painful patterns can persist in
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the relationship and they can start over small things and they
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can take on a life of their own. Being able to know that, oh,
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that's often times the type of pattern that we get into when I
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get activated, meaning when I get triggered, it activates my
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nervous system and I start to get scared because I'm afraid my
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partner's going to shut down or not hear me or start arguing or
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not be able to just respond to my feelings.
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And when that happens, I know that I can go into fight or
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flight. I can be flooded with anxiety.
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I can become very critical and very demanding and, and very
22:37
blaming and that shuts my partner down even more.
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Eventually he or she might actually just get up and walk
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out and leave the conversation. And then I feel worse because I
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feel so alone and so unseen. Recognizing that type of pattern
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really helps you be able to notice what that looks like and
22:56
the early warning signs that can kick that pattern off.
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So it's really important to be able to understand the specific
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type of pattern that you, you have in your relationship.
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Couple of things you can even say when you have that uh oh
23:12
moment, pay attention to that moment.
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That is the crucial moment for you to go, uh oh, I think we're
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doing that thing again. And you can even say that your
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partner, I think our cycle is starting, right?
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I think our cycle is starting. Can we stop and slow this down?
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I feel myself getting, getting triggered a little bit.
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Can we slow down or I noticed I've repeated this about three
23:35
times. I'm really not feeling hurt and
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I'm feeling like my I'm starting to get triggered a little bit
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and that could prove, you know, start our cycle up.
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Can we can we pause for a moment?
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This feels like the pursue withdraw pattern again.
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Do we feel like we're getting caught in this?
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Let's pause before we get pulled into our cycle.
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Let's slow this down. Instead of standing up and and
23:58
being almost too close to each other, let's create a little
24:01
space. Let's go sit down.
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Let's change different rooms. Let's do something different to
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try to interrupt and prevent this cycle every single time,
24:11
every single time we want to try to interrupt the cycle.
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So those are so just some different ways to be able to
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begin to see some of the early warning signs and to be able to
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begin to interrupt that cycle as well.
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OK. I hope you found this helpful
24:28
and beneficial. I'm sure we're going to be
24:30
talking about cycles much more in our future.
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I'm going to try to do sort of a series on cycles here because
24:37
it's something I've touched on for sure, but I don't think I
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focused in on it enough. And it is something that really
24:44
can come to dominate so many relationships out there and keep
24:48
couples stuck and unhappy in their relationships as well.
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Thank you so much for listening. As always, I'm Tom Phillip here
24:58
to remind you to stay grounded, clear and connected.