Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E46 - How to Set Limits When the Behavior Comes Out of Nowhere

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S2E46 - How to Set Limits When the Behavior Comes Out of Nowhere · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:15
  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:19
  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Kendall,
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  and this question is about.
• 0:27
  How to set expectations
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  when you can't prepare for what's about to happen
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  regarding limits that might need to be set.
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  So Kendall,
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  a huge thank you.
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  This is a really helpful question.
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  And it's something that I've touched on here and
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  there but never done a specific episode on it
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  in its entirety.
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  So I'm really excited about this and
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  thank you for emailing in.
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  If you have a question that you'd like me to answer,
• 0:51
  if you'd like to say hello,
• 0:52
  if you'd like to share a story,
• 0:54
  if you'd like to share a struggle,
• 0:55
  whatever it is,
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  I would love to hear from you,
• 0:57
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 1:00
  That's two Ns,
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  so B R E N N A at The Kid Counselor dot com,
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  singular kid without an S.
• 1:07
  And if you are maybe new to the podcast,
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  and maybe you have not listened to season one or you're newly into season two.
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  This podcast is designed to support you
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  in your parenting from a child-centered play therapy approach.
• 1:23
  Many of you have your children in play therapy,
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  and many of you have had play therapists recommend this podcast to you,
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  and many of you are just working to educate yourself
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  and be the best parents that you can be,
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  grandparents,
• 1:36
  caregivers,
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  someone who loves kids.
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  So really glad you're here.
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  Thanks for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
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  And this is a really special group of people that truly
• 1:47
  love kids and truly want to be at their best.
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  So Kendall,
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  I appreciate your email
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  and any of the rest of you,
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  I,
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  I would love to hear from you.
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  So let me read parts of the email and then we'll dive into this.
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  Our child's play therapist recommended your podcast and techniques,
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  and we've already seen a meaningful shift in our big feeling 7 year old.
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  Episodes 10, 11,
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  and 12 of season 2 have been especially helpful.
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  Kendall,
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  I'm so glad to hear that.
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  One area we're struggling with is how to respond when we
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  haven't had a chance to set a limit in advance.
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  When the behavior seems to come out of nowhere,
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  for example,
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  if his brother walks by after a frustrating moment,
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  our child might suddenly hit him,
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  quote,
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  for no reason.
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  We typically respond with a consequence like you can't play with your
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  brother right now and you need to go to your room.
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  This often leads to an epic meltdown with
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  sobbing and screaming that it wasn't his fault.
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  He was just frustrated.
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  We're unsure how to turn this situation into a moment for choices.
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  We try saying you're frustrated,
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  you're never allowed to hit,
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  but how do we follow up with clear choices
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  and natural consequences in line with the ACT model?
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  If
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  you're not familiar with the ACT model,
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  that is the 3 step process of limit setting.
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  So we acknowledge the child's feeling,
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  we communicate the limit and we target alternatives for the
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  behavior so that the need can still be met.
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  So if that is completely foreign to you,
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  and it sounds like I'm speaking a different language,
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  first I am.
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  The child-centered approach is very much a different language.
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  And so if you feel like this is gobbledygook at times,
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  it is essentially the equivalent of learning to speak a different language.
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  You have to learn the concepts,
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  master the phrase,
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  master the words,
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  and change the way that you speak just like it would be
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  if you were learning German or French or Spanish or whatever.
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  So,
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  yes,
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  very much so.
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  This sounds like a different language because it is.
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  It is the language of child-centered play therapy.
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  If ACT just is something you've never heard of before,
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  that likely means you've not listened to earlier episodes,
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  so please go back and do that,
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  especially starting in season two,
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  I kind of walk you through the seminal training,
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  meaning
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  the very basic and foundational concepts of
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  child-centered play therapy in a parenting approach.
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  and episode one has,
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  or sorry,
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  season one has all kinds of things if you'd like to go back there as well,
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  but season two was a little bit more of a teaching type of season.
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  So if you're unfamiliar with ACT,
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  I would highly recommend going back.
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  OK,
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  Kendall,
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  so
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  I think it's really important to raise this
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  question because often we try to set limits
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  and we want to be proactive.
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  So if we know that a child is going to struggle with bedtime,
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  if we know a child is going to struggle with eating dinner,
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  if we know that a child is going to struggle with getting on the bus on time.
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  Those are limits that we can set proactively to set everyone up for success.
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  That is a very powerful tool in your parenting toolbox
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  because if you recognize there's a pattern of behavior,
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  you're able to tackle it preemptively and proactively.
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  So that is a helpful scenario.
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  I think I also need to acknowledge,
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  however,
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  that limits are only needed when they're needed.
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  So we can proactively set an expectation of behavior
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  and provide limits ahead of time because we know this is a pattern.
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  But when we don't know that something is coming,
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  Then we are going to tackle it in the
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  moment because limits are only needed when they're needed,
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  so there's an interesting balance to be struck
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  where yes sometimes we proactively address things and then sometimes
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  we just wait until we need to set a limit
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  and in this scenario I think it's a little bit of both,
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  so I'm gonna walk you through both sides of this
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  so that you can kind of see what this approach would look like.
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  First and foremost,
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  the limit that would be set ahead of time because proactively we know
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  that this is something that needs to be addressed.
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  You said that you have a big feeling 7 year old and then you said another brother.
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  I don't know if you only have 2 children or maybe more,
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  but I'm gonna go with the 2 child model because you only mentioned two in the email.
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  So in that scenario,
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  you're going to say to both of your boys.
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  In our family,
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  we take care of each other
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  and we're kind to each other,
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  and we never hurt each other.
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  Notice that that is proactively establishing expectation.
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  The key to this being effective is doing it at a neutral time.
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  So this has to be said ahead of time,
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  preemptively when no one is tired,
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  when no one is hungry,
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  when no one is bored,
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  when there's no emotional charge,
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  when nothing has just happened that was contentious between the two of them,
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  it's a very neutral
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  factual declaration.
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  In our family,
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  we treat each other with kindness,
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  we treat each other with love,
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  and we never hurt each other.
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  OK,
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  so you have to repeat that several times
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  to make it very known to the boys that is the expectation
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  that would be the only proactive setting a limit of sorts ahead of time.
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  What you've really done is set an expectation of
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  behavior because the limit isn't needed until it's needed.
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  So now the boys know
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  that the other one is never for hurting.
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  Then at that point,
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  if at any moment
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  your 7 year old walks by his brother,
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  gets frustrated and hits him.
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  Now you fall back on the expectation that has already been set.
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  Wherein you say I'm gonna make up a name.
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  Jake
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  You chose to hit your brother and your brother is never for hitting.
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  All right,
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  so now we've acknowledged the behavior and we've
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  reinforced the expectation that has already been established.
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  You can add in the why,
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  so it's sometimes helpful for a child to hear the why behind the limit.
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  So
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  you chose to hit your brother,
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  but your brother is never for hitting because no one in this family is for hurting.
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  If you want to go broader,
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  you can say people are never for hurting,
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  but I think it's probably a little bit more impactful if we keep
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  it isolated to the family since we've already said in our family,
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  we are always kind,
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  we're always loving,
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  and we never hurt each other,
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  so you're going to fall back on what's already been established.
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  So now behavior came up quote out of the blue for no reason,
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  and we immediately acknowledge what has happened.
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  Jake,
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  you chose to hit your brother and your brother is never
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  for hitting because your family members are never for hurting.
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  All right,
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  so now that's the A and the C of the limit.
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  Now,
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  we're moving into consequences.
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  So this
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  pattern has already been established of expectation.
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  He violated the expectation.
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  So I'm going to tweak the wording of what you said you would typically say.
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  So you said you would regularly say,
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  you cannot play with your brother right now and you need to go to your room.
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  That is
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  Consequence,
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  but it is you in charge
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  and it is you dictating the outcome.
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  And the tweak of that is that it becomes very clear that he made a choice.
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  So we're going to tweak the language here.
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  So after we say Jake,
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  you chose to hit your brother and your brother is never for hitting.
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  You chose to hit him,
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  therefore,
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  you choose to go to your room for 10 minutes.
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  Next time,
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  if you choose not to hit him when you get upset,
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  you choose not to go to your room for 10 minutes and
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  you choose to stay down here with the rest of the family.
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  Notice now you've made it really clear that there is a choice to always be made,
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  but in this moment,
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  the choice has already been made.
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  You knew that your brother wasn't for hurting.
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  You chose to hit him anyway.
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  So because you chose to hit your brother,
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  you choose to go to your room for 10 minutes.
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  But you,
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  that's the negative choice negative outcome.
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  You also want to present the positive choice,
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  y'all,
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  this is important.
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  We're very quick to focus on the negative,
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  but choice giving and especially ultimate choice giving,
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  which is when we do the if thens.
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  By the way,
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  if you've never heard of the regular choice giving versus ultimate choice giving,
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  again,
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  please go back in and listen to earlier episodes so you can get caught up.
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  When we move into ultimate choice giving,
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  it's very important to recognize that the positive and
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  the negative are both presented every single time.
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  If you choose not to hit your brother,
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  you choose to stay down and be with the family
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  and not go to your room.
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  But if you choose to hit your brother,
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  you choose to go to your room by yourself.
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  Now it's very clear
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  that
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  Jake,
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  in my scenario,
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  I'm air quoting Jake,
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  has a choice to make.
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  Now,
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  in the scenario where he already hit his brother,
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  he already chose the outcome,
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  but next time he can choose a different one.
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  And when he
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  says
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  I was just frustrated and it wasn't my fault,
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  and there's an epic meltdown with sobbing,
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  there's several things going on.
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  First of all,
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  he feels guilty and ashamed.
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  Second of all,
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  his emotions have de-escalated again,
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  and his brain kicked back in.
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  In the moment,
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  his brain was taking a nap
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  because emotions are always going to override
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  the cognitive.
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  Kids are not rational,
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  kids are not cognitive,
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  they're not thinking their way through things,
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  they're feeling their way through things.
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  He felt upset,
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  so he behaviorally reacted.
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  It's an experience,
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  it's an emotion,
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  and it's a behavior,
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  and they're all tied together.
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  He didn't think at all.
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  This is why when we say,
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  what were you thinking?
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  Why did you do that?
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  What made you think that was a good idea?
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  And they say,
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  I don't know,
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  it's true.
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  He did not know why he hit his brother.
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  He reacted because of an experience and emotion and a behavior.
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  But as those emotions de-escalate and they come back down,
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  brain comes back in
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  and brain says,
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  you shouldn't hit your brother,
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  you shouldn't have done that.
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  Now you're in trouble.
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  That wasn't,
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  uh,
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  that wasn't a helpful decision. what in the world?
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  OK,
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  the brain is now thinking again,
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  so he feels remorse,
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  he feels guilt,
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  he feels shame.
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  He probably is mad at himself.
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  He's mad that he's up in his room alone.
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  And so he's saying it wasn't my fault.
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  I was just frustrated.
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  Well,
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  the antidote to that
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  is building an emotional vocabulary for him.
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  So every time he expresses an emotion,
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  Kendall reflected to him.
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  You're excited,
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  you're proud,
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  you're glad that happened.
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  You're irritated,
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  you're angry,
• 12:16
  you're annoyed,
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  you're disappointed.
• 12:19
  Every time he expresses an emotion reflected to him,
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  why?
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  Because eventually what happens is he's going to be
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  able to recognize I feel frustrated right now.
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  And I'm able to communicate my frustration
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  verbally rather than emotionally and behaviorally.
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  Right now he is in fact showing his brother what he's feeling.
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  He's just not identifying it and communicating it.
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  He's hitting.
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  That's his way of expressing frustration.
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  So when he says,
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  when he's sobbing and he's having a meltdown saying it wasn't my fault,
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  I was just frustrated,
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  those are true statements for him.
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  It wasn't really his fault.
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  He didn't have much control over it
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  until a child builds regulation,
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  until a child builds emotional vocabulary.
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  They don't really have a lot of ability to control
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  their behavior.
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  We this is adulthood bias kicking in.
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  We have far too high of expectations
• 13:12
  on a child's ability to think
• 13:14
  before they do things.
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  They're not capable of it.
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  Developmentally,
• 13:17
  age appropriately,
• 13:18
  they are not able
• 13:20
  to reason.
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  They cannot think their way through a scenario.
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  So he gets mad,
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  he hits
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  natural appropriate response.
• 13:29
  But as he builds emotional vocabulary,
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  as he builds regulation,
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  as he learns to comply with limits.
• 13:36
  He will naturally do that less and less.
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  And so that's why in conjunction,
• 13:42
  we're going to set limits with the positive and the negative.
• 13:46
  Jake,
• 13:46
  if you choose to hit your brother,
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  you choose to go to your room by yourself.
• 13:49
  If you choose not to hit your brother,
• 13:51
  you choose to stay down here with the rest of us.
• 13:52
  Which do you choose?
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  All right,
• 13:54
  that's very clear.
• 13:56
  It's also very important that he has an
• 13:58
  emotional vocabulary because he needs an alternative.
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  He needs to be able to say,
• 14:03
  stop,
• 14:04
  Jared,
• 14:04
  you're frustrating me.
• 14:08
  That is a very different response than hitting
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  because he's charged.
• 14:13
  So Kendall,
• 14:14
  I hope that is helpful.
• 14:15
  I hope that that gives you a little bit of insight into how to handle that.
• 14:20
  And
• 14:21
  the ACT model is designed in such a way that
• 14:24
  children learn very quickly if it is consistently used,
• 14:28
  they learn very quickly.
• 14:30
  Mom and dad get it.
• 14:31
  That's what the A is the validation.
• 14:33
  Mom and dad get it.
• 14:35
  There's a neutral limit
• 14:37
  and I have choices.
• 14:39
  And there are consequences tied to the choice.
• 14:42
  But I have control over this.
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  So I'm going to choose the outcome that
• 14:47
  favors me the most.
• 14:49
  He doesn't want to be in his room,
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  so he will naturally learn to choose
• 14:53
  to not his brother,
• 14:54
  so that he can choose to stay down with the rest of the family.
• 14:58
  That's the natural outcome of the ACT limit setting model.
• 15:01
  So Kendall,
• 15:02
  thank you so much for the question.
• 15:03
  I hope that that helps you.
• 15:05
  I hope that that helps everyone else as well.
• 15:07
  It is a struggle to know how to address
• 15:10
  surprising behaviors and kids are full of them.
• 15:12
  So just when you get a handle on one,
• 15:14
  there'll be a new one that pops up and we're always playing catch up.
• 15:17
  So thank you to each of you for committing to be there for your children,
• 15:22
  to committing to support your play therapists with whom you're working,
• 15:25
  if you have your children in therapy.
• 15:27
  And thank you for investing in your relationship
• 15:30
  and wanting to be the most effective parent that you can be.
• 15:33
  These are the decisions that you're making every
• 15:34
  single day that have a lifelong effect,
• 15:37
  long term impact as your children grow up and become parents themselves.
• 15:42
  There is a cycle and pattern of behavior that's established,
• 15:45
  and every choice that you make right now influences that long term.
• 15:49
  So I hope that that encourages you and helps
• 15:51
  you feel supported and loved because you are.
• 15:53
  We'll talk again soon.
• 15:54
  Bye.
• 15:55
  Thank you for listening to
• 15:56
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 16:00
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 16:04
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.