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ADHD Parenting Burnout: The 3 Stages, the Signs, and What Actually Helps · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

0:00
Apryl: If you have ever felt stressed, overwhelmed, or burned out from parenting, this episode is for you.
0:08
Apryl: We're diving into ADHD parental burnout, what it is, what it's not, the signs for it, and some things that you can do to help.
0:18
Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
0:24
Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone.
0:30
Apryl: I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr.
0:36
Apryl: Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for.
0:44
Apryl: Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom.
0:53
Apryl: So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
0:58
Apryl: Hey there, welcome back to the Racing ADHD Podcast, the podcast for parents raising ADHD kids and the grown-ups who love them.
1:05
Apryl: I'm your host, April Bradford.
1:07
Apryl: Before we dive into this episode, this is what I want you to leave this episode with.
1:12
Apryl: Number one, I want you to feel genuinely seen.
1:15
Apryl: Like you finally have someone who has named the things you've been feeling and you haven't put a name on it, been able to like put your thumb on it of what it is, being able to feel seen and not feel guilty about it.
1:29
Apryl: And number two, I want you to walk away with a handful of small, real things you can actually do in the life that you actually have, not just some, oh, that sounds nice, but there's no way that I can do that with my reality, right?
1:45
Apryl: I want to start talking about what burnout really is because I think a lot of us are walking around saying these things when really it truly is burnout.
1:56
Apryl: You may be saying, I'm just tired.
1:59
Apryl: I'm a bad mom.
2:00
Apryl: I'm literally losing my mind.
2:04
Apryl: I need a vacation.
2:06
Apryl: Like I've got to get away.
2:08
Apryl: And sometimes it is just being tired.
2:12
Apryl: And that's what we're gonna break down in this episode today is is it tired?
2:17
Apryl: Are you just tired, or is it true burnout?
2:20
Apryl: Because those are two different things.
2:22
Apryl: And when something like a good night's sleep and or you know, a few hours of quiet time to yourself, if that genuinely resets you, that's stress.
2:37
Apryl: And stress is a real thing, but it's time limited, and rest usually helps.
2:43
Apryl: So that's what I want you to remember as we're going through this.
2:47
Apryl: If you can, you know, get away for a few hours and you come back feeling rejuvenated, you feel good, you get a good night's rest, you maybe take a nap, you do some of those things, and you come back and you're like, oh, I feel good, like we're good now.
3:03
Apryl: That's stress.
3:04
Apryl: That is different than burnout.
3:06
Apryl: Those two words I feel like get thrown around together and tied in together.
3:11
Apryl: So you just feel like, oh, I'm stressed, I'm burned out, right?
3:14
Apryl: But burnout is actually a true condition.
3:18
Apryl: Researchers Isabel Roscom and Moira, and I'm going to butcher her last name, Moichel Gizet.
3:27
Apryl: Totally butchered that, just so you know.
3:30
Apryl: They studied about 900 parents and developed what's called the parental burnout assessment.
3:37
Apryl: And they described burnout in three very specific stages.
3:42
Apryl: When we go through these, I want you to just pay attention to see are you in any of these stages or are you just stressed?
3:52
Apryl: Okay, because if you are burned out, I want you to get the support and help that you need.
4:02
Apryl: So let's dive into those three stages.
4:04
Apryl: Stage number one is physical and emotional exhaustion.
4:07
Apryl: Here's the key with this one though, it's not general tiredness.
4:11
Apryl: This really like hit me when I was researching this and read this one because I'm like, oh my gosh, I've totally been this mom.
4:20
Apryl: So again, it's not general tiredness, it's exhaustion that's specifically tied to your parenting role.
4:28
Apryl: You might get to work and feel relatively functional.
4:31
Apryl: You might see a friend and feel almost like yourself, but the moment your child walks in the door, your tank just drops.
4:37
Apryl: Or when you have to like, you know, it's like bedtime and you have to do those things and you're like totally exhausted thinking about it.
4:44
Apryl: That's parental burnout.
4:46
Apryl: Again, it's parenting specific.
4:48
Apryl: And I have totally been here.
4:51
Apryl: Summer brings it on more, I feel like, and you may feel this way too, because we don't have that respite of school.
4:59
Apryl: We, you know, have our kids home with us all day long, so we never get that break.
5:03
Apryl: And so the that burnout does come quicker.
5:07
Apryl: So pay attention now, definitely with summer here, and you know, having the parental responsibility all day long.
5:17
Apryl: You may find yourself starting to slip into parental burnout.
5:22
Apryl: And again, I want you to know this is not being a bad parent.
5:26
Apryl: Okay, we'll get into this a bit.
5:28
Apryl: This is literally your brain protecting itself.
5:32
Apryl: So again, this is role-specific depletion.
5:36
Apryl: So this is stage one of burnout when you start to notice that you're exhausted when it comes to things specifically tied to your parenting role.
5:45
Apryl: Stage two is emotional distancing.
5:48
Apryl: So you'll notice obviously the symptoms get more severe as we go through these stages.
5:56
Apryl: So stage two is that emotional distancing.
5:59
Apryl: And this is the one that for us parents, it creates the most guilt because what this looks like is you just start going through the motions.
6:10
Apryl: So, you know, managing the schedules, making the lunches, doing all of the parenting things, but you're just like checked out, you're not there, so you're emotionally checked out.
6:21
Apryl: You still love your kid, but it's like it's coming through this like thick wall of glass, like you just can't like touch it anymore, it's not tangible anymore.
6:31
Apryl: You're like, no, I still love them, but like there's there's like a wall between us, right?
6:37
Apryl: Parents describe this feeling like an imposter, like they're watching themselves parent from the outside.
6:44
Apryl: So if you've experienced this, again, like I said, this is not you failing, this is not bad parenting.
6:52
Apryl: This is your brain protecting its last reserve.
6:56
Apryl: It's literally your brain putting up protections to protect you.
7:02
Apryl: So again, this is not your fault.
7:06
Apryl: This is not bad parenting, this is self-protection.
7:10
Apryl: It's literally your body taking over and protecting itself.
7:14
Apryl: And then we have stage three, which is loss of parental fulfillment.
7:18
Apryl: So this is where the meaning just disappears.
7:23
Apryl: So when things that used to matter, like bedtime stories or you know, like the hugs, the cute notes, the I love you, mom, they just don't even register anymore.
7:34
Apryl: You feel almost nothing.
7:36
Apryl: And then you feel terrible for feeling nothing, and then you land in that guilt cycle, which then makes everything worse.
7:46
Apryl: So those are the three stages: stage one, that physical and emotional exhaustion, stage two, that emotional distancing, and then stage three is the loss of parental fulfillment.
7:57
Apryl: One thing to pay close attention to here is that burnout is distinct from depression because the depletion is role specific.
8:09
Apryl: Okay, so when you're not parenting, you may feel relatively okay.
8:14
Apryl: If it's in all aspects of your life, then that may be a sign of depression.
8:20
Apryl: Again, this is a meaningful clinical distinction.
8:26
Apryl: And also means that intervention looks different too.
8:31
Apryl: Researchers have actually now developed a scale specifically for parents of ADHD years.
8:37
Apryl: It's called the parental burnout and ADHD scale because they found that standard burnout tools were missing things that are unique to our experience.
8:47
Apryl: I found that very interesting.
8:49
Apryl: Let's talk about why ADHD families are uniquely vulnerable to this.
8:54
Apryl: And you're probably going, I already know.
8:56
Apryl: Like I live this life every day, right?
8:59
Apryl: But let's talk about it.
9:00
Apryl: You may be thinking, yeah, but everyone gets burned out, right?
9:04
Apryl: Every parent gets burned out.
9:05
Apryl: Parenting's hard.
9:06
Apryl: Why are we talking about it specifically for ADHD families?
9:10
Apryl: And again, this was another point that I found very interesting is that they've done research on this.
9:15
Apryl: I mean, obviously, they have their own burnout tools, scales for this.
9:20
Apryl: They've done research, and parents of children with ADHD are 4.41 times more likely to experience parental burnout than parents with neurotypical kids.
9:31
Apryl: That's 4.41 times more likely.
9:36
Apryl: That's pretty dang high.
9:38
Apryl: Here's why they experience higher burnout rates.
9:42
Apryl: Number one is that is what the researchers call the hidden regulation load.
9:48
Apryl: Some of you, I think, are probably already aware of this, and some of you, depending on where you're at in your journey, may not be aware of this yet.
9:58
Apryl: But it's something that I think helps us when we understand it to be able to comprehend it and wrap our mind around it and be able to say, okay, I need help.
10:10
Apryl: Like I, this is me, right?
10:12
Apryl: So the hidden regulation load is when you have an ADHD child, you're not just parenting, you also are doing all of the co-regulating for another person's nervous system in real time all day long.
10:29
Apryl: So your body and your brain is constantly in the background, just constantly running, doing things like anticipating the meltdown before it happens.
10:39
Apryl: You're reading the tone of the room and adjusting preemptively.
10:43
Apryl: You're mentally rehearsing the transition before it starts.
10:47
Apryl: You're constantly making micro decisions all day long.
10:51
Apryl: Do I push?
10:52
Apryl: Do I wait?
10:52
Apryl: Do I step in?
10:53
Apryl: Do I let it play out?
10:55
Apryl: Your brain is in active cognitive and emotional labor all day long.
11:02
Apryl: So it's not passive patience.
11:05
Apryl: Like literally, your brain is like constantly doing this that we may not, like I said, may not even recognize that we're doing it.
11:12
Apryl: Like we've just gotten so used to it.
11:15
Apryl: Because I think with our kids, you know, they they're babies when they start out, and then this kid is different than our other kids, and it's like you just get used to it over time, so you don't realize that your brain is doing this.
11:30
Apryl: And the research shows this was there were so many things that were so like eye-opening and interesting to me with this research, but um, the research showed that the ADHD symptom severity explains 62% of the variance in parental emotional exhaustion.
11:52
Apryl: So, depending on how severe your kiddo's ADHD symptoms are, can increase that parental emotional exhaustion by 62%.
12:02
Apryl: So if you feel depleted before the obvious conflict even starts, this is why you've already been working for an hour before anyone even raised their voice.
12:14
Apryl: Like your brain was just constantly going.
12:17
Apryl: Like, I feel like I am playing mental whack-a-mole constantly of trying to keep everyone regulated, everything calm, everything okay, right?
12:31
Apryl: And that's not even to say, not only are we doing the co-regulation, we're also being their executive function skills and having to do all of that as well.
12:43
Apryl: Another crazy stat to me was that parents who are four or more years into the diagnosis show significantly higher distress than those who are earlier in the journey.
12:58
Apryl: These symptoms are cumulative.
13:01
Apryl: So the longer you've been carrying this, the heavier it gets, unless something actively changes.
13:07
Apryl: So, unless you get help, unless you get the support, the system, the things, which we're gonna talk about in this episode, it's just going to accumulate and just get heavier and heavier and heavier to carry this load.
13:23
Apryl: And then I already hinted at this, but the second reason is that invisible mental load.
13:28
Apryl: In most ADHD households, one parent becomes the default ADHD manager, and they do all the things like making sure the medication is given.
13:39
Apryl: They're the ones going to the IEP appointments, they're the ones communicating with the teacher, they're the ones who are doing the behavioral implementation, they're the ones doing the emergency school pickup, the emotional first aid.
13:52
Apryl: They do all this while also managing their own job, their own nervous system, and their own life.
13:59
Apryl: This is not sustainable without support.
14:03
Apryl: And yet, so many of us, this is just our regular Tuesday.
14:08
Apryl: And when you hear this, it's like, oh my gosh, yeah, I get why I feel so exhausted.
14:14
Apryl: In our household, because I am the neurotypical parent, I feel like I carry even more of the load because Brian tends to, because he is ADHD.
14:28
Apryl: He gets dysregulated easier.
14:30
Apryl: And the executive function, I have to carry a heavier load than he does.
14:35
Apryl: I carry more of just like this research was showing, there's the one parent who carries it.
14:40
Apryl: And that's definitely me.
14:42
Apryl: And it and it is exhausting for sure.
14:46
Apryl: And then the third reason is social isolation.
14:52
Apryl: And I'm sure you have felt this as well.
14:56
Apryl: Because ADHD is invisible, parents of ADHD kids face constant judgment.
15:01
Apryl: And I'm sure you're like, yep, been there.
15:04
Apryl: And it's from the people who don't understand it.
15:06
Apryl: And it can be family members who think your kid just needs more discipline, the neighbors who have noticed things, the people in the grocery store or the restaurant giving you the you know, stare down of like, why don't you get your kid to calm down, right?
15:22
Apryl: The teachers, and over time, that lack of empathy from your social network, it doesn't just feel lonely and you feel isolated, it actually accelerates the burnout.
15:35
Apryl: Research shows that family resilience and parent-child intimacy are two of the strongest protectors against burnout.
15:43
Apryl: And when those things erode, and again, ADHD puts a lot of pressure on both of those, then the burnout speed picks up.
15:54
Apryl: And finally, the fourth thing that the research shows is it's consistent that mothers carry a disproportionate share of this.
16:04
Apryl: Mothers show significantly higher psychological distress than fathers across study after study.
16:11
Apryl: And this is because most in most households, moms are still doing more of the invisible ADHD management, and that management has a measurable cost in the research.
16:27
Apryl: So that is the research behind it.
16:32
Apryl: And I don't want you to feel this episode is not to make you feel down like, oh my gosh, like this is my life.
16:42
Apryl: It's to like make you aware so that we can do something different.
16:48
Apryl: Because you can do something different, you can get help.
16:50
Apryl: Again, we're getting to that.
16:51
Apryl: That's at the end of this episode.
16:53
Apryl: There was a piece of research from Ohio State University that found when parents recognized they were burned out and actually named it, said, you know, like I'm burned out, they were more likely to reach out for support.
17:09
Apryl: And when they reached out, both their stress and their children's stress went down.
17:15
Apryl: That's why I want you to hear this episode.
17:19
Apryl: Not to feel like down about your life, but to be able to put a name on this and get the help that you need, right?
17:28
Apryl: Reach out for support.
17:31
Apryl: This awareness is not just self-reflection.
17:35
Apryl: It is literally the first action step that leads to better outcomes for your whole family.
17:40
Apryl: Again, they found that when you reached out, when parents reached out to get help, the whole family's stress went down.
17:48
Apryl: Not just theirs, but their child's stress as well.
17:52
Apryl: So let's talk about what it actually looks like across three different areas.
17:57
Apryl: We're gonna talk about emotionally, physically, and behaviorally what that looks like.
18:01
Apryl: Emotionally, you snap and then you spiral into guilt.
18:06
Apryl: The snapping and the guilt have become their own loop that you can't seem to break.
18:12
Apryl: You snap, you feel guilty, and then there's shame, and then that just that actually depletes the ability to not snap again.
18:23
Apryl: Like it's just constantly depleting you over and over again the more that you go through that emotional loop, and then you feel numb and disconnected from your child, and it's again, it's not that you don't love them, it's just distant.
18:40
Apryl: Like you're going through the motions, you feel trapped, you feel resentful, like you're doing everything and it's never enough.
18:48
Apryl: The things that used to feel fun with your child, like a movie night or reading together or playing a game, now feels like an obligation.
18:57
Apryl: That's what burnout looks like emotionally.
19:00
Apryl: Physically, you're tired, and sleep doesn't fix this tiredness.
19:07
Apryl: You wake up depleted.
19:09
Apryl: You may have physical symptoms like headaches and stomach aches.
19:12
Apryl: You may be wired and tired where your body won't slow down, but your brain is completely fried.
19:19
Apryl: Research actually links chronic parental burnout to elevated cortisol and elevated inflammatory markers in the body.
19:29
Apryl: So this isn't just emotional exhaustion.
19:32
Apryl: It's literally measurable in your bloodstream.
19:35
Apryl: It's literally physical.
19:37
Apryl: And the research connects it to long-term health risks, including cardiovascular disease.
19:43
Apryl: So this is not in your head when you feel like, oh my gosh, like I just need to buck up, I just need to do better.
19:50
Apryl: I just, if I just get a better schedule, like I'll be fine, right?
19:55
Apryl: If I could just be consistent.
19:57
Apryl: No, like this is truly in your body.
20:00
Apryl: And then number three is behaviorally.
20:03
Apryl: You may find that you start to avoid the things that you used to be able to handle.
20:06
Apryl: So just the day-to-day, like emails, the call, the laundry.
20:11
Apryl: You've pulled back from friends because it's just too much to explain.
20:14
Apryl: And with your child, you're going through the logistics without the connection.
20:18
Apryl: You're doing what has to be done, but you're not really there.
20:22
Apryl: So recognizing this is not admitting defeat.
20:28
Apryl: Again, just like the research showed, it is the first action step.
20:33
Apryl: And this first step leads to seeking help, and seeking help leads to better outcomes for not just you, but for your child as well.
20:44
Apryl: So, what can we do that actually helps?
20:48
Apryl: These are five things from the research.
20:51
Apryl: Number one, and we've actually talked about this quite a bit on the podcast.
20:57
Apryl: Um, and when people, you know, ask, like, what helps with ADHD symptoms?
21:03
Apryl: Number one thing, gold standard, is behavioral parent training or BPT.
21:11
Apryl: This is the most researched intervention for ADHD families.
21:17
Apryl: And this is why it works so well.
21:21
Apryl: When you have reliable tools to actually work, the helplessness lifts.
21:26
Apryl: A 2025 review of 40 studies found that 27 of those studies showed that behavioral parent training reduced parental stress and increased parental competence.
21:40
Apryl: This was not as a side effect, it was a documented outcome.
21:45
Apryl: And this is why when you feel like you have no tools, every behavior feels like a crisis.
21:52
Apryl: But when you have a strategy, even if it's an imperfect one, you feel like you can influence what's happening.
21:58
Apryl: You feel like you have a Some control in the situation.
22:02
Apryl: And that self-efficacy is one of the strongest protectors against burnout.
22:09
Apryl: Again, another thing that I found very interesting.
22:11
Apryl: When we feel like we have something, something to help with the situation, some sort of control, number one strongest protector against burnout.
22:20
Apryl: So behavioral parent training is huge.
22:26
Apryl: And another thing, which we talked about on the podcast that was um like treating ADHD without medication, and I think the one with medication too.
22:38
Apryl: I think we talked about it on both.
22:40
Apryl: But combining behavioral strategies with medication and using a behavior-first approach actually produces better outcomes than medication alone.
22:52
Apryl: So the behavioral piece is huge.
22:55
Apryl: And one thing that I like to say is pills don't teach skills, but they help make it so our kiddos can pay attention and actually do the skills, right?
23:07
Apryl: So very um key here.
23:10
Apryl: This is another thing is that I found very interesting.
23:13
Apryl: You don't have to find like a 12-week formal program for behavioral parent training.
23:18
Apryl: Learning even two or three concrete strategies and practicing them consistently changes the experience of parenting.
23:26
Apryl: And that's exactly what we do here on Raising ADHD is giving you those strategies to put into place so you feel like you have some control over the situations.
23:39
Apryl: Number two is self-compassion.
23:44
Apryl: Multiple studies have confirmed that self-compassion has a significant negative relationship with parental burnout.
23:52
Apryl: So the more self-compassion that you have, the less burnout.
23:56
Apryl: There's a longitudinal study showing that self-compassion at baseline predicted lower burnout six months later.
24:03
Apryl: So this is not just a feel-good idea.
24:06
Apryl: It's actually measurable and it's a documented buffer for burnout.
24:13
Apryl: Dr.
24:13
Apryl: Kristen Neff has a three-step practice and it's super, super easy.
24:19
Apryl: You can do it right there in the moment.
24:21
Apryl: You don't have to have, you know, a journal.
24:22
Apryl: You don't have to have a quiet space, you don't have to have anything.
24:25
Apryl: It's literally step one.
24:27
Apryl: I notice I'm struggling right now.
24:30
Apryl: Just naming that.
24:31
Apryl: Like just naming that you are struggling.
24:34
Apryl: You don't have to fix it, you don't have to justify it.
24:36
Apryl: You're just literally just naming it.
24:38
Apryl: I'm struggling right now.
24:39
Apryl: Number two, other parents feel this way too.
24:43
Apryl: So identifying that you are not like a unique snowflake, like this is hard, and other humans find this hard too, is step two.
24:53
Apryl: And number three, may I be kind to myself right now?
24:58
Apryl: Not I need to do better, or tomorrow I'll try again, or if I would have just done this, you know, like berating yourself.
25:05
Apryl: No, may I be kind to myself right now.
25:08
Apryl: So that's it.
25:09
Apryl: It's just those three sentences.
25:10
Apryl: You just stop in that moment.
25:12
Apryl: I'm sure you're like, how in the world is that gonna help?
25:15
Apryl: But again, what's happening here is actually there's neuroscience that's happening here.
25:21
Apryl: There's something happening in your brain.
25:23
Apryl: What's happening is you are interrupting that guilt-shame loop.
25:28
Apryl: That guilt-shame loop is one of the primary engines keeping burnout going.
25:33
Apryl: That is huge.
25:34
Apryl: I'm going to re-say those three things that you're going to say to yourself again.
25:38
Apryl: When you notice that you've had a hard moment, you're going to just notice it.
25:43
Apryl: I notice I'm struggling right now.
25:46
Apryl: Other parents feel this way too.
25:48
Apryl: May I be kind to myself right now.
25:52
Apryl: That's it.
25:53
Apryl: And again, it's rewiring your brain.
25:56
Apryl: The more you do this, the more it's going to rewire your brain.
25:59
Apryl: And it's going to rewire your brain for self-compassion instead of self-deprecation, because that self-deprecation just leads to greater burnout.
26:09
Apryl: Number three is mindfulness and the right kind of community.
26:12
Apryl: A 2024 randomized trial of an eight-week mindfulness and compassion-based group found large effect size for parental burnout, meaning it made a meaningful and measurable difference.
26:25
Apryl: Research on parent-to-parent support groups consistently shows they reduce both stress and anxiety, not because of the information that you're learning in those groups.
26:35
Apryl: It's because of normalization.
26:37
Apryl: It's because you're like, oh my gosh, someone else gets this.
26:40
Apryl: You realize that another parent who loves their child just as much as you love yours also lost it this week.
26:47
Apryl: They also snapped.
26:49
Apryl: That breaks the isolation and the shame of it.
26:55
Apryl: It helps the grip of shame loosen.
26:59
Apryl: You need an ADHD-specific community and not or and a community that has nothing to do with your child's diagnosis.
27:10
Apryl: You need both of those.
27:12
Apryl: One restores your sense of competence and shared experience, and the other restores your sense of self.
27:19
Apryl: That person that you are outside of being a parent of an ADHD.
27:24
Apryl: Okay, so you need a community.
27:26
Apryl: Okay, number four is the nervous system regulation.
27:29
Apryl: And this is for you, not for your child.
27:33
Apryl: We talk a lot about co-regulation.
27:35
Apryl: We hear that all the time.
27:37
Apryl: Everyone's talking about, oh, you need to be, you need to co-regulate, you need to regulate, you need to co-regulate, you need to help your kid regulate, right?
27:44
Apryl: But it's like, oh my gosh.
27:47
Apryl: And if you haven't heard co-regulation, what that is, it's the idea that it's child's regulated nervous system borrows stability from a parent's nervous system.
27:59
Apryl: So here's the thing though, that only works if you're regulated.
28:02
Apryl: You cannot pour from an empty nervous system.
28:05
Apryl: Dr.
28:06
Apryl: Steven Porgis has he created the polyvagal theory, which talks about this slow diaphragmatic breathing, which literally activates the vagal break.
28:20
Apryl: It physiologically slows your stress response.
28:24
Apryl: So what that is, is like breathing with your diaphragm, like belly breathing.
28:28
Apryl: That's a way that you'll hear it stated a lot.
28:31
Apryl: Instead of like breathing uh shallow and have like your chest and shoulders go up and down, it's like that deeper breathing where your belly goes in and out.
28:39
Apryl: So belly breathing can help with this.
28:41
Apryl: I mean to say, some people though, if you struggle with anxiety, breathing like this may cause some anxiety, but try it, see if it works.
28:51
Apryl: If it is causing anxiety, then that's not a strategy for you, right?
28:55
Apryl: But it could be very helpful.
28:58
Apryl: Um, a 10-minute walk, a warm shower, splashing cold water on your face, five minutes of music that you love.
29:05
Apryl: These aren't luxuries that you get after you get to kitchen clean or after you do all the chores for the day or after you get your kid in bed.
29:14
Apryl: These are functional recovery tools with a neurological basis.
29:18
Apryl: One thing that I want you to remember here is that perfect co-regulation is never the goal.
29:24
Apryl: We can't be perfect.
29:24
Apryl: We're human.
29:25
Apryl: Repair is.
29:26
Apryl: I actually have a whole episode on repair and why that's so much more important than um the actual blowup itself.
29:36
Apryl: We're human, we all lose it, but when we repair, that actually, like I said, it has a way bigger effect on your ghetto than the yelling does.
29:46
Apryl: What repair looks like, like I said, go watch the whole, listen to the whole episode.
29:51
Apryl: I'll put the link in the comments.
29:53
Apryl: But what you pretty much do is you when things are settled down, when everyone's calm, you go back and you're like, hey, I'm sorry, I was flooded with emotion, and I responded in a way that I was not proud of, and I'm so sorry.
30:08
Apryl: That not only helps repair the relationship with your kiddo, but it also is modeling accountability and resilience simultaneously for them.
30:16
Apryl: It's one of the most powerful things that you can do for your ADHD child.
30:23
Apryl: And finally, number five is micro recovery, not macro recovery.
30:28
Apryl: Here's the trap burnout parents fall into is waiting for the big break.
30:33
Apryl: So waiting for the vacation, waiting for summer break to be over when school's finally back in, waiting for this phase to pass.
30:43
Apryl: Because while you're waiting, like we talked about, a lot of parents, this gets worse.
30:50
Apryl: The research shows the farther you are into diagnosis, the worse this gets when you're carrying that weight because it compounds.
30:58
Apryl: We have to do something now.
31:00
Apryl: Dr.
31:01
Apryl: Roscom, one of the lead burnout researchers, frames it this way: you burn out when there's an imbalance between stress and resources.
31:11
Apryl: That means you can intervene on either side, either reduce the stressors or increase the resources.
31:17
Apryl: And for most burned out parents, one of the easiest and most immediate things you can, levers you can pull here is adding resources, not waiting for those stressors to disappear.
31:29
Apryl: Research supports small, deliberate recovery moments woven into your actual day.
31:34
Apryl: So the five-minute breathing practice, a walk around the block, 10 minutes of something that has nothing to do with your child.
31:40
Apryl: I actually did a reel recently on um why I think that iPads can be a lifesaver for ADHD families.
31:48
Apryl: And talking about how um, do you remember when you had your baby and before you could leave the hospital, you had to have training on shake and baby syndrome?
31:57
Apryl: And the whole key is is put your baby in a safe spot, like the crib, where you know they're fine, let them cry, walk away, walk away and make sure you're okay.
32:05
Apryl: Tell you're okay, right?
32:07
Apryl: Same thing here.
32:08
Apryl: Sometimes it's giving them the iPad so that you can have 10, 20 minutes to yourself.
32:14
Apryl: That's okay.
32:15
Apryl: That is that safe spot.
32:17
Apryl: That's the equivalent of the shaken baby syndrome.
32:20
Apryl: Give yourself that time and don't feel guilty about it.
32:23
Apryl: That is a lifesaver for compared to the airplane.
32:27
Apryl: That's you putting your oxygen mask on and saving yourself so that you can save your child.
32:33
Apryl: Also, this was something that I found in my research that I think can be very helpful for some of you who are in burnout and don't have family support, don't have the social support.
32:45
Apryl: There is a place called the Arch National Respite Network.
32:51
Apryl: And you can find it at Archrespite.
32:55
Apryl: That's arch archrespite.org.
32:58
Apryl: And what it is, it's a network that helps parents find and fund temporary relief care by state.
33:09
Apryl: So if you've never looked it up, that may be something worth looking up for you.
33:13
Apryl: Especially if you, you know, like I said, you don't have that social support, you don't have family, maybe you live out of state, you need someone.
33:21
Apryl: This is a resource that could really help.
33:22
Apryl: That's the resources side.
33:24
Apryl: And as far as the stressor side, the executive function demands of ADHD parenting are enormous.
33:30
Apryl: Like we talked about earlier in the podcast.
33:33
Apryl: You can reduce your own cognitive load by externalizing as much as possible.
33:39
Apryl: Visual schedules on the wall, a shared family calendar, a homework launch pad by the door, prescripted phrases for your most common flashpoints.
33:47
Apryl: That's exactly what we do in the foundations course.
33:51
Apryl: We do all of this because when the environment can do the work for you, your head doesn't have to carry as much.
33:59
Apryl: And we talk so much about it as for kids doing this for your kids, but doing it for yourself too, and setting it up for your kids so that you're not carrying the load for your kids and yourself.
34:11
Apryl: It is absolute game changer.
34:15
Apryl: So making sure that you can have your environment do as much of the lifting of the stressors as possible so you can get out of carrying so much in your head.
34:28
Apryl: And just a little side note: a few weeks ago, I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed.
34:35
Apryl: I had a lot of work projects that were going on.
34:41
Apryl: We had a sudden loss of my brother, and so not just professionally, but uh personally, there was just so much going on, and I just felt like my nervous system was on fire.
35:00
Apryl: And what I ended up doing, something that was super helpful for me, is I took sticky notes and I just wrote down every single thing that was in my brain that was my brain was holding at that moment, and I put them on my bedroom wall, and then I looked at them and I noticed there were some things that I had like open loops that needed to be closed.
35:26
Apryl: Like, if I just finish these three things, like that's gonna make my load a lot lighter, and just doing that sticky note activity was such a relief for me because my brain didn't have to carry all of that anymore.
35:43
Apryl: My brain wasn't over functioning to try to hold all of that because all of the sticky notes are now on the wall, and guess what?
35:50
Apryl: Some of those sticky notes are still on the wall, but my brain, because it was trying to hold everything in, everything felt uh urgent.
36:00
Apryl: Like I have to do this now, or else like I'm either gonna forget it, or just everything felt urgent, but then seeing it on the wall, I could actually like prioritize things, and it was an absolute game changer and something that I needed then.
36:17
Apryl: So that's something as well that can be incredibly helpful if you're just feeling that like absolute overwhelm of oh my gosh, everything is urgent.
36:26
Apryl: So, to wrap this up, here is the raising ADHD reframe that I want you to take from this episode and keep somewhere you can actually see it.
36:34
Apryl: Your well-being is not separate from your child's outcomes, it is an ADHD intervention.
36:40
Apryl: Your well-being is an ADHD intervention.
36:43
Apryl: And I want to be very specific here because I know some parents hear that and think it sounds like something nice someone says to make you feel better about taking a nap.
36:50
Apryl: That's not what this is.
36:51
Apryl: Hopefully, through this episode, you've heard that's not what this is.
36:56
Apryl: The research is very clear.
36:57
Apryl: Parental burnout positively correlates with child behavior difficulties and parent-and-child conflict, family resilience and parent-child intimacy, which burnout directly erodes, are the strongest protective factors for both parent and child.
37:14
Apryl: So when your stress goes down, your child's stress goes down.
37:18
Apryl: This is documented.
37:21
Apryl: This is measurable.
37:22
Apryl: They have done research on this.
37:25
Apryl: So that means taking care of yourself is not what you do after you've handled everything else.
37:31
Apryl: I'm going to say that again.
37:32
Apryl: Taking your care of yourself is not something you do after you've handled everything else.
37:37
Apryl: Burnout recovery is part of the treatment plan.
37:40
Apryl: Not the vacation, not the reward for surviving it.
37:43
Apryl: It's part of the plan.
37:45
Apryl: So take care of yourself first.
37:48
Apryl: We're going to go back to that oxygen mask or the you know the shaking baby syndrome.
37:54
Apryl: Take care of yourself first.
37:57
Apryl: Because then you can actually help your child.
38:01
Apryl: Okay, before we close, we're gonna lighten this up a bit.
38:05
Apryl: I wanted to shout out a listener who left a review.
38:10
Apryl: Thank you so much for the review.
38:13
Apryl: This person, their name is Disappointed123455.
38:17
Apryl: And they said, I'm only a handful of episodes in, but this podcast has been amazing.
38:24
Apryl: It has helped me with tips and tricks to make our home life a little easier.
38:28
Apryl: Helped me understand my child a lot better.
38:31
Apryl: I'm excited to continue listening.
38:33
Apryl: So, disappointed123455, thank you so much.
38:37
Apryl: You absolutely made my month.
38:40
Apryl: So, thank you so much for the kind words, and I'm so glad that the podcast has been helping.
38:47
Apryl: Okay, before we go, I want to give a little pep talk for those who are listening and nodding along and thinking, I am so far past burned out that I don't even recognize myself anymore.
38:59
Apryl: And questioning, is it too late?
39:02
Apryl: It is not too late.
39:03
Apryl: But I want to say something.
39:06
Apryl: I want to be honest.
39:07
Apryl: If you are at the point where you're going through emotions and feeling nothing, where you can barely make yourself do the things you used to do automatically, where you're wondering if you're broken and broken to the point that something can't be fixed, that level of depletion deserves way more than a podcast episode.
39:28
Apryl: You deserve actual support.
39:31
Apryl: You don't just deserve it, you need it.
39:34
Apryl: So a therapist, a coach, a community, someone who can help hold this load for you.
39:42
Apryl: The research is very clear that social support and seeking help are direct interventions at this level.
39:49
Apryl: This is not optional.
39:51
Apryl: This is not indulgent, it is clinically indicated.
39:55
Apryl: So if that's you, please reach out to someone.
39:58
Apryl: And for the rest of you, the ones who caught it earlier, you may be somewhere in the middle, you're tired, but you're not completely depleted yet.
40:06
Apryl: Here's the one thing for you this week.
40:08
Apryl: Notice one moment per day that's not actually terrible.
40:11
Apryl: It doesn't have to be some magical parenting moment.
40:14
Apryl: It's not some crazy breakthrough, and it's not evidence that everything is gonna be fine.
40:20
Apryl: It's just that one moment that is maybe just neutral or slightly okay.
40:25
Apryl: Maybe it's the 10 minutes your child was on their iPad and it was quiet in your house.
40:31
Apryl: Maybe it's the way your coffee tasted.
40:34
Apryl: For me, it's the bubbles of the cold eye coke.
40:37
Apryl: And maybe it's that single exchange with your child that did not escalate into something more.
40:43
Apryl: Write it down, even if it's in your notes app, even one line.
40:47
Apryl: And the more you do this, it changes your brain chemistry.
40:50
Apryl: You're not performing gratitude toward a perfect life.
40:54
Apryl: We're not trying to be, you know, Pollyanna here.
40:57
Apryl: You are training your nervous system to notice that the depletion is not the only thing happening and that there's something else here.
41:04
Apryl: Even when it's small, even when it's quiet, even when it doesn't feel like enough.
41:09
Apryl: Because here is the last thing that I want to leave you with today.
41:14
Apryl: You don't build a lighter life by finding one giant thing that saves you.
41:18
Apryl: You build it by noticing a lot of small things over time that keep you going one more day.
41:24
Apryl: You are doing an incredibly hard thing.
41:27
Apryl: You're doing it with more love, more creativity, and more resilience than you give yourself credit for.
41:32
Apryl: If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with another parent of an ADHDer who might need to hear it.
41:39
Apryl: You never know who's been waiting for someone to name what they've actually been filling.
41:43
Apryl: And if you want more raising ADHD reframes in your week, those short, practical something you can actually use, make sure you're on our email list.
41:52
Apryl: The link is in the show notes.
41:53
Apryl: Thank you so much for being here.
41:55
Apryl: Thanks for the work you're doing every single day.
41:58
Apryl: And remember, you don't have to fix everything today.
42:01
Apryl: Just take the next kind, small step and be kind to yourself.
42:07
Apryl: All right, I'm April, and I'll see you next time.
42:09
Brian Bradford: Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD.
42:13
Brian Bradford: Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming.
42:17
Brian Bradford: Small shifts can make a big difference.
42:19
Brian Bradford: If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you would leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support.
42:28
Brian Bradford: And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement.
42:33
Brian Bradford: Until then, you've got this, and we've got your back.