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Intuition Unplugged: for Conscious Parenting with Katie Turner · The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

• 0:05
  Katie Turner: and so then my own spiritual awakening started happening and it really changed my sense of reality, like my own intuition started opening up.
• 0:12
  Katie Turner: Um, I explored that step like as a very separate personal exploration piece for a number of years as a registered, like health professional.
• 0:21
  Katie Turner: Again, we are evident like we're bound to evidence-based practices only, so you can't bring in just anything.
• 0:26
  Katie Turner: So it was a long journey of developing those skills.
• 0:29
  Katie Turner: For myself, being like this is real, but how do you make sense of it?
• 0:33
  Katie Turner: How do you get stronger in this?
• 0:34
  Katie Turner: How do you get stronger at interpreting it?
• 0:36
  Katie Turner: so it's actually helpful versus when your rational mind's getting involved.
• 0:39
  Katie Turner: And and then it was a number of years as well, too, to seek other training, like mentorship certification, to be able to do it within psychology as well.
• 0:50
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Hi Conscious Parents.
• 0:51
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's Keri here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids.
• 0:55
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that along the way.
• 1:03
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Join us becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that along the way.
• 1:05
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Join us Hi there and welcome back.
• 1:07
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I have a treat for you guys today.
• 1:09
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I have Mrs Katie Turner here, who I love blends her background in psychology and child psychology and works with adults as well and brings in the holistic approaches.
• 1:22
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love bringing in the holistic mindsets and pieces and so, katie, thank you so much for being here today with us.
• 1:28
  Katie Turner: Yeah, thanks so much for having me.
• 1:30
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, it's been really lovely to connect with so many people that have these backgrounds, and I myself have the speech therapy and teacher background and I love blending in some of the evidence-based things that I've seen and then some of these intuitive pieces that have been so prevalent in my life.
• 1:49
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I was going to ask you how did you end up bringing in the holistic side for yourself and as a practitioner of it basically.
• 2:00
  Katie Turner: But I my background psychology first, so masters of science and psychology, more research like evidence-based approaches, didn't believe, didn't have a strong background growing up any, anything like that I thought.
• 2:13
  Katie Turner: I thought a lot of the stuff was woo if people believe in it, if it helps, great.
• 2:17
  Katie Turner: But I unintentionally stumbled into my own spiritual awakening when I was early in the field and kind of burnt out and a little and a bit disillusioned with only the conscious mind focus alone, like the limitations I was seeing in the field.
• 2:31
  Katie Turner: And in hindsight I was engaging in a lot of practices that actually do help open up that connection.
• 2:36
  Katie Turner: I just didn't realize that at the time.
• 2:39
  Katie Turner: So things like meditation, like energy work, breath work, like lots of meditation, um, and so then my own spiritual awakening started happening and it really changed my sense of reality, like my own intuition started opening up.
• 2:53
  Katie Turner: Um, I explored that step like as as a very separate personal exploration piece for a number of years as a registered like health professional.
• 3:01
  Katie Turner: Again, we are evident, like we're bound to evidence-based practices only, so you can't bring in just anything.
• 3:07
  Katie Turner: So it was a long journey of developing those skills for myself.
• 3:10
  Katie Turner: Being like this is real, but how do you make sense of it?
• 3:13
  Katie Turner: How do you get stronger in this?
• 3:14
  Katie Turner: How do you get stronger at interpreting it?
• 3:16
  Katie Turner: So it's actually helpful, versus when your rational mind's getting involved.
• 3:20
  Katie Turner: And then it was a number of years as well, too, to seek other training, like mentorship certification, to be able to do it within psychology as well wow, I love that.
• 3:31
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, so you brought in some of those pieces as well.
• 3:34
  Carrie Lingenfelter: You got the certification in those areas as well.
• 3:37
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love that.
• 3:37
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And so with connecting with your intuition, I love to talk about that with parents a lot.
• 3:44
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I, for just a little background.
• 3:52
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I was very in my head when I became a mom and trying to do all the perfect things and live in the perfect box.
• 3:54
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I thought that would be what my kids need and my kids really resisted it.
• 3:58
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It was really cool and that's when I had my spiritual awakening, which has continued, and I even grew up spiritual, so it's so easy, even when you're grown up with it, to get back into your mind.
• 4:10
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Is there anything that you would tell parents as far as connecting with their intuition and what you've seen or what you feel like they could hear?
• 4:19
  Katie Turner: I think there's just so many layers to it.
• 4:21
  Katie Turner: I think one thing nobody really tells people like you can go to the baby classes, you can get prepared, you can learn about parenting, all the things, but nobody tells you like actually becoming a parent is going to bring up your own stuff and bring access to your own stuff in this very intensified way that if you weren't to become a parent, you probably wouldn't have it hit you as hard.
• 4:39
  Katie Turner: So there's always a bit of a balance of okay, what if this is our own childhood stuff that's coming to the surface, that like we're now in the adult position, like processing it from a different way as we're also parenting.
• 4:50
  Katie Turner: I think there's the piece of working with our actual nervous system and how our bodies and brains store more intense emotional experience differently than positive emotional experience is a big one for parents because it's not just about having the tools and being like I want to talk to my kid like this or react this way.
• 5:08
  Katie Turner: We all have trigger points where it's our own nervous system to regulate and work with the triggers that come up for ourselves in parenting.
• 5:16
  Katie Turner: I also think, like I worked a lot with women Women still are, in our culture and society, the main ones who seek out help and have less stigma around that.
• 5:26
  Katie Turner: But I work with men as well too, and I think we can get so individualized of think it's our own personal problem of I'm being too hard on myself.
• 5:34
  Katie Turner: I have all these impossible expectations as a mom, but it's so cultural and systemic and, like this time period, I do a lot of work with cycle breakers and there is this shadow side to it that people don't really talk about, of like when you know, okay, there's epigenetic trauma, what we're passing down to our kids.
• 5:51
  Katie Turner: It can go so far to the other side of I don't want to do anything to screw them up that it's paralyzing for people or there's a lot of shame with it.
• 6:00
  Katie Turner: And I've I work with women so often carry these impossible standards of I'm not doing enough and this like mom guilt which isn't actually guilt, like guilt is as a pure emotion is I've done something wrong or against my value system, and guilt is meant to motivate us to do better.
• 6:18
  Katie Turner: If our kids steal or lie or throw something, if they feel guilty, it's not a bad thing.
• 6:21
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We're like hey that's good, you're not a psychopath, let's work with that.
• 6:23
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Let's not a bad thing.
• 6:23
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We're like, hey, that's good.
• 6:24
  Katie Turner: You're not a psychopath.
• 6:24
  Katie Turner: Let's work with that.
• 6:25
  Katie Turner: Let's not go into shame or blame you, but be like how do we move through this and actually apologize.
• 6:29
  Katie Turner: What do we do differently next time?
• 6:31
  Katie Turner: Guilt has a purpose to it, but most moms it's like this cultural shame and women and moms carry that and I've never seen a case of dad guilt in the way moms carry it.
• 6:47
  Katie Turner: Usually if men are coming into therapy with I don't feel good about this.
• 6:48
  Katie Turner: It's okay.
• 6:48
  Katie Turner: There's usually actually something going on.
• 6:49
  Katie Turner: It's usually not this crushing societal weight of impossible expectations of I should always be regulated, I should be having a career, I should be doing all these things with them, I should give them one-on-one attention all the time and never lose my temper.
• 7:01
  Katie Turner: I think there's all.
• 7:04
  Katie Turner: And with the intuition piece there's always sorting out all the external noise and belief system stuff with what's actually true.
• 7:11
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, I feel like when we're building up that intuition piece, it does make it so much easier when you are feeling that triggered piece, like to connect with yourself and be like what is triggering me right now.
• 7:24
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's made it so much easier for me I have I'm a sensitive, highly sensitive person and then raising two highly sensitive kids and married to a highly sensitive person, so I think just that intuitive piece it's I'm starting to get to the point where I can hear it so much faster as I continue to build it.
• 7:42
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Okay, this is this moment that is making me want to yell right now.
• 7:46
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Or, yeah, is it a trauma piece for me?
• 7:49
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Or is it simply like that I'm feeling overstimulated or the screaming is just taking over my kids?
• 7:57
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Screaming is too much for me, so it's really helpful in that way for me.
• 8:01
  Katie Turner: For sure and I think that, like mindfulness, like that awareness and self-reflection and what's going on in my internal world is a big one because in into a pure intuitive information comes through our sensory, like it comes in different ways.
• 8:15
  Katie Turner: A lot of it's finding our dominant ability and like continuing to work with that.
• 8:18
  Katie Turner: It's usually easier when it's something that's not high stakes or like we have a lot of emotion invested in.
• 8:24
  Katie Turner: So practicing with it it's keep it light, have fun.
• 8:27
  Katie Turner: We want it for the bigger things of should I do this or that, keep my kid in this school or stay with this pediatrician?
• 8:33
  Katie Turner: But it's it's often harder to get that access when there's a lot of emotions involved and that's where it is such a dynamic process of being like, hey, what's this bringing up for me?
• 8:41
  Katie Turner: All that old like belief system stuff, our own nervous system stuff, it's almost like static on the radio signal line.
• 8:48
  Katie Turner: If we can, the more we can clear that, the more of just knowing can come in and we need space to get out of our rational mind, like walks, meditation, something.
• 8:58
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yes, the space is so helpful and, like you said, we put so much pressure.
• 9:02
  Carrie Lingenfelter: If we're trying to figure out something like changing their schools, which we went through last fall mid-year, we did have so much pressure and then it just shut us down and we got so stuck where we couldn't hear.
• 9:12
  Carrie Lingenfelter: But I think, knowing it's not something, if it's going to happen it will.
• 9:17
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Maybe you'll see signs several times or maybe it will continue to.
• 9:21
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's always a process too.
• 9:22
  Katie Turner: Sometimes we just want the answer.
• 9:24
  Katie Turner: Our intuition doesn't follow our logical, our ego mind is like just tell me what to do.
• 9:27
  Katie Turner: And intuition is more a process.
• 9:30
  Katie Turner: It's more like how do we feel, moment by moment.
• 9:32
  Katie Turner: I'll often compare it to almost like a GPS system or a compass, but it only tells you like turn left, right now.
• 9:38
  Katie Turner: It doesn't tell you like all the steps that are going to come up.
• 9:40
  Katie Turner: So we often have to still be in the process, like talking to the school, being like is there anything we can do?
• 9:49
  Katie Turner: Let's give this a try.
• 9:50
  Katie Turner: Let's start looking at other options.
• 9:51
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Let's go to their open house, because it's all a feedback loop.
• 9:53
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yep, yep, yeah.
• 9:54
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And for us it came three different times.
• 9:56
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It wasn't like, it was like just it just kept bombarding us.
• 10:00
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It was like this person said this, then my son said this and yeah yeah, it's nice.
• 10:06
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's okay if you make the wrong decision, like you're still going to have chances the volume will come up.
• 10:11
  Katie Turner: It's not yeah yeah.
• 10:12
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So I love that because it takes away some of that pressure if I don't make it right now, we're gonna lose it or things.
• 10:18
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So, yeah, if is there a piece that you would tell parents for kids that if parents want to help their kids to keep these conscious pieces, I feel like my kids I don't know about you, but so many kids and my kids have these conscious pieces that they're born with and these questions and wanting to connect with others and these pure hearts.
• 10:42
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I really am focusing on trying to help my kids stay conscious into adulthood.
• 10:48
  Katie Turner: Yeah, that's amazing.
• 10:49
  Katie Turner: Kids stay conscious into adulthood.
• 10:51
  Katie Turner: Yeah, that's amazing.
• 10:52
  Katie Turner: I think even just that alone is like such a game changer, because it's a relatively new shift in parenting, where emotional maturity, self-awareness, self-reflection those aren't strong skills for most of our parents' ancestors.
• 11:04
  Katie Turner: If we go back a few generations, there was a lot of survival.
• 11:08
  Katie Turner: There wasn't a lot of knowledge.
• 11:09
  Katie Turner: We have the double-edged sword of almost too much information and knowing what to sort through and not getting paralyzed by it but it also is positive of at least there's options, at least there's tools.
• 11:18
  Katie Turner: So for anyone who's doing their own work and already aware of it, I'm not as worried for their kids, because it's like if they know when their stuff's too big and they're going to get their own adult support for that.
• 11:27
  Katie Turner: A lot of it too, I think, is like for sensitive kids.
• 11:31
  Katie Turner: They pick up on so much of what's going on and I think all kids do so it but the adults, if we're cut off from everything, if we're in our heads, if we're not connected to our own emotions, if we're not taking that responsibility for our own emotional regulation, maturity, it's like then kids they learned, they get the message not to trust what they're sensing and feeling.
• 11:52
  Katie Turner: So there's a line of even really sensitive kids, if you still need to be the adult, even really psychic or gifted kids, don't ask them questions that are not developmentally appropriate for them, even if they get answers and other pieces, if go to someone else, for that that's not, it's not developmentally appropriate, even if they can channel or connect with other things.
• 12:10
  Katie Turner: But I think the piece is like as an adult we can validate of yeah, I'm just stressed today, but it's not anything you're doing so we can validate of, yeah, what you're picking up is correct, but still developmental, appropriate boundaries, and the adults are in charge of doing this and we can do our best to advocate for them, to help them get through situations.
• 12:29
  Katie Turner: But parenting is almost like this ongoing one of my mentors explained it as this ongoing relay, baton, relay, toss where you're constantly being like am I holding the bar?
• 12:39
  Katie Turner: Or like when is it time to pass it over to you?
• 12:42
  Katie Turner: When do I have to let it go?
• 12:43
  Katie Turner: When does your child have to actually take it themselves?
• 12:45
  Katie Turner: Because as they get older, it's like then we need to actually it's not just about not doing anything that's going to traumatize them.
• 12:53
  Katie Turner: We want to teach them resiliency as well and, like how to advocate and ways, be a guide to help them think about the world in a different way.
• 13:01
  Katie Turner: Um, because I think it's like we didn't necessarily need the world to not be like to be completely accommodating, of sensitivity and everyone getting it.
• 13:08
  Katie Turner: But if there was like one or two safe adults who could be like, oh no, like it's not okay if an adult yells at you like you didn't do anything, like yeah, maybe you should have been listening in class, but that's not an appropriate reaction.
• 13:18
  Katie Turner: Like that's it makes sense.
• 13:20
  Katie Turner: You feel upset, like adults are responsible Cause I was like into adulthood when I realized, oh like not.
• 13:25
  Katie Turner: All adults are actually emotionally adults.
• 13:29
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Oh like not all adults are actually emotionally adults.
• 13:32
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We're all growing and changing and, yeah, I think that's an interesting piece because I think, even as parents, we start to see our parents in a different view.
• 13:41
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Right, and that's healing in itself as well.
• 13:44
  Katie Turner: Yeah, and triggering and healing.
• 13:47
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, it's very true.
• 13:50
  Katie Turner: Yeah, cycle breakers are often like in the middle, like gentle parenting their own parents and their kids, and they're like this is a lot.
• 13:56
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We need support systems too oh my gosh, I love that.
• 13:59
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I hadn't thought about gentle parenting our own parents, but that is yeah.
• 14:03
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Instead of heart-to-heart parents, it's like heart-to-heart people, connecting with everyone.
• 14:07
  Katie Turner: When people who are taking that, who are responsible for their own energy, who are who can reflect, who like to self-reflect, who are growth oriented, who are like working towards more emotional maturity.
• 14:17
  Katie Turner: I think we need those networks, yeah, yeah, even if they're just a few.
• 14:22
  Katie Turner: Yeah.
• 14:24
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, that's totally.
• 14:24
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love that so much and I think that that connection, like you said, having that person to turn to and being able to acknowledge what's going on in our kids' lives and it gives them so much, so many more tools in their pocket, versus putting on these layers of protection that we had to remove as we were adults and going through our own spiritual awakening process yeah, so I really love that.
• 14:47
  Katie Turner: And it's not just because it's like parenting's almost like two arm hug.
• 14:50
  Katie Turner: You have the love and the limit part too, so it's like we need both and I think some of it too is like there's times for protection and there's times to get involved and like advocate, protect your kid.
• 15:01
  Katie Turner: But there's other times where it's like we are raising them to be adults in the world as well.
• 15:05
  Katie Turner: So we want there's some.
• 15:07
  Katie Turner: There's times for mama wolf energy, where it's like lick the cubs, cuddle them at home and then nip at their heels to have them run.
• 15:14
  Katie Turner: We have to work with them and that's where the intuitive piece is knowing your kid, knowing their temperament, knowing how and having support to be like okay, when do I push a bit more?
• 15:23
  Katie Turner: And when they're not comfortable with it, when this isn't what they want to do, when instinct is because we can over correct if we didn't get enough, if we had things too hard.
• 15:31
  Katie Turner: One way, it's very easy for people to swing almost in defense.
• 15:34
  Katie Turner: The other way, of no limits, or I don't want to say no to them at all or make them do hard things because no one protected me or advocated for me.
• 15:41
  Katie Turner: Versus now, how do you be there for them and then also challenge them to grow, to grow the resiliency within a zone of comfort, because spiritual beings in a human nervous system it's like part of being here in this world is some level of emotional overwhelm or trauma.
• 15:54
  Katie Turner: We don't want to be the main source of it, but it's like we want them to be resilient and be like, if bad things happen in life, you will be able to get through this.
• 16:05
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, I love that so much.
• 16:07
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I think I was talking to somebody.
• 16:09
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Actually, several parents have told me they were latchkey kids as well in the 80s and 90s growing up, so I feel like we had this huge shift and now we have and I don't know if that's where the helicopter mom came into play, right, or even like the positive parenting piece I feel like so many people have shifted into the opposite extreme.
• 16:28
  Katie Turner: Some of it goes too far where it's like very supportive and like helicopter parenting is a lot of research that shows it's not helpful because you have less confident kids.
• 16:37
  Katie Turner: You have less resilient kids, like they do need to make mistakes, like we want them to know.
• 16:42
  Katie Turner: I mean, got like some of the good enough parenting research or common parenting research is responding to them about 30 of the time and again our intuition will know like they really need me.
• 16:50
  Katie Turner: Right now.
• 16:50
  Katie Turner: I need to drop things and go, versus no, they're uncomfortable, they want me to drop things and go, but they can wait this out and it's actually going to be good for them and I need to go manage my anxiety or what's like.
• 17:02
  Katie Turner: How much of this is my own stuff coming up?
• 17:05
  Katie Turner: But again and again, I find this is also tends to be more of a case for women than men.
• 17:09
  Katie Turner: There's, of course, going to be differences.
• 17:10
  Katie Turner: I'm not saying all men are all women, but moms often go one way to the other where they're very soft, very gentle.
• 17:16
  Katie Turner: There's great stuff around attachment, parenting Okay, this is why we don't do this and very gentle.
• 17:20
  Katie Turner: But then it can get to this point where it's like I have told you 15 times, pick up your stuff, and then it's like aggressive, and then the kids are scared.
• 17:32
  Katie Turner: They do it, but then it swings back and mom feels super guilty and horrible.
• 17:34
  Katie Turner: But it's also that's part of finding that firm the mama wolf nip at the heels, energy of enough.
• 17:40
  Katie Turner: Sometimes it's time for a boundary, and this isn't mean, but it's healthy for them, it helps reduce their anxiety and it's part of your own self care.
• 17:48
  Katie Turner: So you're not getting to the point where you're losing it, which is okay, because you've said it a million times and they actually have an adult mental capacity.
• 17:55
  Katie Turner: This isn't that they can't regulate it.
• 17:57
  Katie Turner: They're actually pushing a limit here.
• 18:00
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, definitely.
• 18:01
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Our gifted kids that are coming in their brains work so quickly and they are on it.
• 18:06
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They're looking for those right Like how far can I push?
• 18:09
  Katie Turner: mom, all the best.
• 18:10
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I am getting out.
• 18:11
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yes, totally, I love that limit piece because I feel like so many times, yeah, we do go to that opposite, that extreme, with the attachment, parenting, positive parenting, those pieces, and we leave behind those limit setting pieces.
• 18:25
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I've also spoken with my son, who's nine, and I mentioned to him mom's going to support you, mom's going to help you.
• 18:33
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I'm here.
• 18:33
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Part of my job also is challenging you and I've told him I'm watching your body to see if you're ready for a challenge and I'm going to try to choose those moments appropriately for you.
• 18:44
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That's part of my intuition that I'm using, like you said, and knowing those times, but also it's part of my job to help you become an adult and part of that is challenging you.
• 18:56
  Katie Turner: And, yeah, yeah, I've had similar conversations more at a lower developmental level for my four and five-year-old too.
• 19:02
  Katie Turner: To be like this is part of loving you.
• 19:03
  Katie Turner: And like I, know this is hard, but we're going to talk about this because, like I love you, I want you to have friends.
• 19:13
  Katie Turner: We can't treat our friends like this, even if we don't want to have this conversation, like we'll have it in smaller bits, we'll thinly slice it, but like we're having this till you're, till you get it and you're nicer to your friend, next time we have a play date and then it does click it and they do better.
• 19:24
  Katie Turner: But it's like sometimes there's stuff that's uncomfortable and they don't want to do it.
• 19:28
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, and I love you had mentioned love and limits and in my mind I was thinking for adults, setting limits, because that's been something I've had to learn as well.
• 19:37
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I know you're mainly focusing setting the limits with the kids, but do you also talk a lot about that for setting limits for mom?
• 19:44
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, I work a lot with.
• 19:45
  Katie Turner: I'm highly sensitive and empathic as well.
• 19:47
  Katie Turner: That's what I specialize in working with mainly, and so I find a lot.
• 19:50
  Katie Turner: I've even got more specialization and even personality disorders and the impact of that because I find a lot of the clients that I work with sometimes there's stuff going on in their own life and sometimes the stress level for them is dealing with emotionally immature adults that have a more kind of significant role in their life whether it is like an ex-partner, co--parenting in-laws like a boss, because the just the stress of those dynamics is so much higher than regular conflict.
• 20:18
  Katie Turner: If you're looking at high levels of immaturity and reactivity or if you're getting into suspected personality disorder territory, it's like a whole other pile of chaos.
• 20:26
  Katie Turner: I think the piece with the limits part like a lot of it.
• 20:29
  Katie Turner: It is really it's love and limits and it's limits, limits in service of love, because it's really more of a.
• 20:35
  Katie Turner: I like some of Brene Brown's research where she was following wholehearted living people and she had her own kind of hypothesis of maybe they're spiritual or they've gone through something, and then her research found that they were the most boundaried, and she's she was surprised by that, but it's, if you're really clear on this is what I allow and don't allow and this is what happens if you cross that not as an ultimatum or I'm angry with you, but it's okay, we'd love to see you for the holidays.
• 20:58
  Katie Turner: There's going to be no drinking, all right.
• 21:01
  Katie Turner: Okay, then you can't come.
• 21:02
  Katie Turner: It's your choice.
• 21:03
  Katie Turner: But if your drinking has been a problem and it's causing dysfunction at, you can choose if you want to attend or not.
• 21:13
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yep, yep, I love that.
• 21:15
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And there's so much personal growth that goes in these limits too.
• 21:18
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Last night I went to dinner with my husband and they were trying to sit us outside because they gave away our table that we had reserved inside and my husband said no, I'm not sitting outside, it's 50 degrees, please find us something inside.
• 21:31
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We had a reservation and I was blown away.
• 21:34
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I was like, wow, normally your people-pleasing tendencies would have just put on a jacket, suffered, and I think my parents, we would have ended up sitting outside and I was like, thank you for this.
• 21:45
  Katie Turner: I didn't realize how much people-pleasing there was going on in my life yeah, and I love that because I do a lot of work with, again, highly sensitive people.
• 21:52
  Katie Turner: I think we tend to take on too much for other people or feel really bad about things and carry too much emotional responsibility for others.
• 21:58
  Katie Turner: Especially if we're respecting our own boundaries and are not at overwhelm ourself or out of patience, then we can set the limits in a more loving way.
• 22:07
  Katie Turner: There's no harm in asking and adults, we can separate that a lot easier where it's not about losing your mind and yelling at the hostess.
• 22:14
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Be like where's our table.
• 22:15
  Katie Turner: But it's not about losing your mind and yelling at the hostess, be like where's our table, but it's no, actually we're.
• 22:18
  Katie Turner: This isn't really okay.
• 22:18
  Katie Turner: This is why we ask we can be kind, we can treat you like a human being and still ask for what we need yeah and I think that's what often what we that's what we want to teach our kids to do is be like how do you stand up for yourself and still be a good person?
• 22:30
  Katie Turner: Give people the benefit of the doubt until they've really shown you otherwise, and then when do you need to maybe protect yourself?
• 22:35
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, yeah, I love that.
• 22:38
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So I was going to shift into a different area.
• 22:40
  Carrie Lingenfelter: You had mentioned, good enough, parenting, and I love that term.
• 22:43
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I use that term with my podcasting too.
• 22:45
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's okay, I'm going for a B level podcast here.
• 22:48
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We're just, we're doing, we're getting our message out there.
• 22:50
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What does it mean in the parenting setting?
• 22:54
  Katie Turner: More of the research about good enough parenting is kids don't need perfect parents and there's no such thing.
• 22:58
  Katie Turner: Right, there's not perfect people, but now I'm forgetting the researcher name on it.
• 23:03
  Katie Turner: I'd have to look it up.
• 23:04
  Katie Turner: But it's more about good enough is like we respond enough.
• 23:08
  Katie Turner: It's about some of the research is about if you respond to about 30% of the cues or their wants for attention it's a relatively new generation that kids get the amount of adult attention.
• 23:17
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, they do now.
• 23:18
  Katie Turner: Okay.
• 23:19
  Katie Turner: But I think it's about again and the work when I'm working with clients.
• 23:22
  Katie Turner: I really want to break it down to be like I think it's a piece of as a parent or as a mom, like when your kid really needs you and you need to prioritize them.
• 23:29
  Katie Turner: Yes, they're the center of your world, in the center of your little family solar system, but there's times where it's okay if they're a little bit anxious at school, but they're okay, you can finish up your workday and they can ride out the day and be a little uncomfortable.
• 23:43
  Katie Turner: If it's dangerous and it's unsafe and it's traumatizing for them.
• 23:47
  Katie Turner: That's a higher level of intensity and anxiety.
• 23:49
  Katie Turner: That's okay, we got to do something about this and this needs to be addressed.
• 23:52
  Katie Turner: If this is an unsafe, dangerous situation, we are not comfortable.
• 23:56
  Katie Turner: This is really not good for them.
• 23:57
  Katie Turner: Versus okay, they can handle this.
• 24:00
  Katie Turner: If they're crying for us, it's usually our parent instinct almost knows this is more an emergency.
• 24:04
  Katie Turner: They really need me to drop stuff.
• 24:06
  Katie Turner: I might need to take that day off, work tomorrow.
• 24:08
  Katie Turner: Other things versus this can actually wait.
• 24:10
  Katie Turner: Or they're like bored and they can.
• 24:12
  Katie Turner: I can finish making dinner and they can entertain themselves and if they want to wine, they can wine.
• 24:17
  Katie Turner: I can set a limit here.
• 24:18
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yes, yes, I love that that's so perfect Cause, or perfect that's so wonderful Cause.
• 24:25
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We are trying to stress that perfection so often.
• 24:27
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So, yeah, what does it look like to increase presence, so switching gears when we're having the time to sit down and be engaged?
• 24:36
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What does that look like?
• 24:38
  Katie Turner: yeah, I think it's really not.
• 24:40
  Katie Turner: No phones, phones away, phones are a big one.
• 24:42
  Katie Turner: Trying not to multitask, sometimes we have to because it's just modern day life is different than past generations too.
• 24:49
  Katie Turner: Most families have less and less support.
• 24:50
  Katie Turner: You usually don't have the same village, so I think it's doing it's going to be different for every situation, so I'm very careful of that.
• 24:54
  Katie Turner: Like I don't have the same village, so I think it's doing it's going to be different for every situation, so I'm very careful of that.
• 24:58
  Katie Turner: Like I don't want to shame anyone, or because it is conscious, parenting is also a privilege the resources you have the access to either financial support, actual practical support.
• 25:07
  Katie Turner: I would be a far worse parent if I was in more survival mode and couldn't afford help or other things.
• 25:14
  Katie Turner: I think it's.
• 25:15
  Katie Turner: I don't want to dismiss that because what our, like our level of access and privilege is really going to dictate, like how can we take care of our nervous system?
• 25:22
  Katie Turner: Are we sleeping enough?
• 25:23
  Katie Turner: Are our basic needs met?
• 25:24
  Katie Turner: That is all foundational to be regulated ourself.
• 25:28
  Katie Turner: But I think, in terms of the present piece, it's more about like when are those moments that you can really connect with them?
• 25:34
  Katie Turner: And I often talk with parents about if you can schedule your day around, like when your kids are more likely to open up, like a lot of research has shown, like dinner time, like rituals of connection, stuff are really important.
• 25:46
  Katie Turner: So it's like, where are those family rituals where you do have that one-on-one time Like?
• 25:50
  Katie Turner: Is it like bedtime routine, meals together when you can it may not be every day like morning routine?
• 25:58
  Katie Turner: Um, kids and teens often they'll often open up more as they're going to bed, where it's like really inconvenient for parents.
• 26:04
  Katie Turner: But if you can or if you have the flexibility, I try to say okay, if we can, within reason, schedule our own day and make spaces for this, because we can always get kids to open up when they don't want to, but then, right before they're going to go to bed, they're like oh, this happened at school and you're like okay finally yeah can we build that?
• 26:22
  Katie Turner: into a bedtime routine then, so we have some chat time perfect.
• 26:26
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love that yeah it's so true when they finally feel comfortable and they've let everything from the day go.
• 26:32
  Katie Turner: Yeah, someone would be like I gotta go.
• 26:35
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's time for a kiss now.
• 26:36
  Katie Turner: Good night, we don't have time to talk about it now yeah, and sometimes it's just like active communication as they get older.
• 26:44
  Katie Turner: It's not always about fixing.
• 26:45
  Katie Turner: You can add even young ones.
• 26:46
  Katie Turner: You can ask I think mine as young as four or five.
• 26:48
  Katie Turner: I was with certain things.
• 26:49
  Katie Turner: Some things I was like okay, I'm like I'm talking to the school or the daycare, this needs to be addressed.
• 26:53
  Katie Turner: Other things I was like do you hear some things?
• 26:55
  Katie Turner: You could try more peer stuff.
• 26:58
  Katie Turner: That's just harmless, little kids figuring stuff out.
• 27:00
  Katie Turner: It's okay, let's go over some ideas.
• 27:02
  Katie Turner: Do you want me to talk to the teachers?
• 27:04
  Carrie Lingenfelter: no, not yet.
• 27:04
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Okay, I won't, I don't have to right now.
• 27:06
  Katie Turner: If it gets worse I might have to, but so you can.
• 27:10
  Katie Turner: Kids can really kids and teens really do understand limits of confidentiality.
• 27:14
  Katie Turner: I think you can have those conversations early on and continue them into teenage years because also former latchkey kid and I think, a lot of parents it's really cool to see a lot of parents doing things differently where they're like as my kids get older, I want them to come to me to still be the adult to still be like there's going to be times where I'm going to have to, might have to tell people, or or like we might have to get people involved here.
• 27:36
  Katie Turner: It's not the like for me.
• 27:38
  Katie Turner: Growing up, there was like the parents who were like friends with their kids and they did whatever and they were like the cool ones.
• 27:42
  Katie Turner: And now, as an adult, I'm like, oh no, that's not.
• 27:44
  Katie Turner: That seems so fun when you were a teenager, but not now.
• 27:48
  Katie Turner: Or the other side, where it was like, okay, they don't know what's going on, like they're weird, like they're either strict or controlling or they're being lied to because it's not safe to actually tell them what's happening okay, or we just don't talk about this, and I think like, especially as you get into teenagehood, it's like I want that relationship with my daughter.
• 28:06
  Katie Turner: I'm like I want you to come talk to me about whatever is going on.
• 28:09
  Katie Turner: I want it to be safe, like it doesn't mean there won't be consequences, or like it doesn't mean I won't ever tell anyone else, but there's going to be limits of safety around that, because I want to help you navigate some of these decisions, especially when it gets more serious into teenage years, young adulthood, if it's like dating, sexual activity, drug use, and I think you can start that really young.
• 28:29
  Katie Turner: Yeah, yeah Like the like not reacting, but being like okay, sometimes we need to do this, and here's what's going to happen but giving them some respect in the process.
• 28:38
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yes, yes, I love the not reacting piece too.
• 28:40
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That can be challenging at times, but, yeah, staying a more neutral party in it.
• 28:45
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, yeah, that was so helpful today.
• 28:48
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Katie, thank you so much for being here.
• 28:50
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I will include everything in the show notes and I have.
• 28:54
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I'll include your book.
• 28:55
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What was the title of it?
• 28:56
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Again?
• 28:57
  Katie Turner: It's F, toxic Spirituality, and then my website also does.
• 29:00
  Katie Turner: If people want to start connecting with their intuition, it has a free place on there so you can see what your dominant intuitive type might be.
• 29:07
  Katie Turner: And then like, right now it's set up so there's like a free six week challenge Okay, some journal prompts so people can just because, again, it's like a muscle, the more you pay attention to it, the more it'll start opening up.
• 29:17
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Perfect.
• 29:18
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I am going to check that out myself.
• 29:20
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That's wonderful.
• 29:20
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I'll include that in the show notes as well.
• 29:22
  Carrie Lingenfelter: For everyone.
• 29:23
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thanks so much for being here today.
• 29:25
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thanks for having me.
• 29:28
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Well, that's a wrap.
• 29:29
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thanks so much for tuning in.
• 29:30
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Changemakers.
• 29:31
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• 29:42
  Carrie Lingenfelter: If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback.
• 29:47
  Carrie Lingenfelter: At info at heart to heart lifecom, we also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share.
• 29:54
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's hearttoheartlifecom.
• 29:57
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life, happy times.
• 30:00
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Changemaker families.