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S2E19 - Diffusing Power Struggles: A Play Therapy Approach to Parenting · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
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  I give you insight awareness and
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  enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, we are moving into
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  power struggles as a topic.
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  So as previously discussed, we went through
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  foundational principles,
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  then we went through the four pillars and then
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  we did the practical application of those four pillars.
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  So now we're kind of diving into a little bit more topical kinds of discussions
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  undergirded with the play therapy principles.
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  So, one of the most common issues and my most commonly listened to podcasts
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  revolve around power struggles.
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  Understandably because as a parent,
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  we know that power struggles are a part of parenting
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  and it's a part of childhood,
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  but it can be very difficult to know
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  how to most effectively navigate those power struggles.
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  So when we're thinking about
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  power struggles and the power dynamic,
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  it's really important to be mindful
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  that
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  there are reasons behind the power struggles. Number one,
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  number two, we have a framework
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  for responding to
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  the power struggles.
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  And then we have some principles that will guide
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  the way in which we communicate and interact.
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  So
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  the child-centered play therapy approach does provide a foundation
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  and a framework for how to navigate power struggles.
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  And that's what we're going to dive into today.
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  The path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts now.
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  Ok. So let's start with the why the why matters.
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  We talk about that a lot, especially when I train therapists.
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  I'm constantly asking them but why, but why
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  and we have to understand that our children not only as they're young,
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  they ask us why all the time,
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  but that should be something that we are very
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  cognizant of.
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  If there is something going on, there's a why
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  and if we only focus on what's going on,
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  we don't have the insight that we need.
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  So if a child is power struggling with us and, and you might be saying, well,
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  what exactly is a power struggle?
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  Ok. So you ask a child to do something
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  they willfully disobey or they say no or they throw
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  themselves on the floor or they give you attitude,
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  any kind of
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  struggle in which both of you want a different outcome.
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  So it's time to go to bed. No.
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  Will you go brush your teeth? I don't want to.
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  You cannot have that toy in the store and they throw themselves on the ground.
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  Ok. So all of those are powers struggling scenarios.
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  The why
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  is
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  the child wants control?
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  And let's unpack that because
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  that might actually cause you to bristle a little bit like, well, yeah, too bad kids.
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  You know, it's, I'm the one that's in control. I'm the parent.
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  Well, let's, let's dive into that for a second.
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  Kids have control over very little in their lives.
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  So when we recognize that kids feel very powerless
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  and feel very out of control almost every minute of their day,
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  every day of their lives,
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  then of course,
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  it makes sense that they're going to grasp at any
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  measure of power and control that they can take.
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  So when we see things through that lens,
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  we're not mad about a child being a
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  power struggling, difficult, frustrating,
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  control, grabbing little being,
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  we're going well. Yeah, of course, they're gonna try to have some control.
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  They don't have control over very much.
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  Now all of a sudden there's a layer of understanding. So this is why the why matters
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  because we have to see things in context of the child's perspective.
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  They don't have control over anything.
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  So they have a few grabs, they're going to try to have.
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  And once we get that,
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  then we're able to say, OK, so now I know why this is happening.
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  I have a more effective path moving forward.
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  So it's rooted in control because
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  they are trying to take it anywhere they can get it.
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  Our framework
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  is such that allows us to know exactly what to do
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  when the child is power. Struggling with us.
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  You've learned the four pillars
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  you're going to use three of the four
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  in a power struggle
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  probably in equal measures.
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  But I bring that up to make sure you're aware you have a framework.
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  This isn't oh great. My kids power struggle with me. I have no idea what to do.
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  Let me try this. Let me throw this out there. Let me,
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  you're going to fall back on three of your four pillars.
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  So first and foremost, you're going to reflect the child's feeling.
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  You really don't wanna go brush your teeth right now.
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  You're sad that
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  you can't have the toy.
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  Every child's feeling is always valid.
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  If behavior is inappropriate,
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  that warrants a limit which we're going to get to in a second. But
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  feelings are always valid.
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  So we're going to acknowledge how the child feels
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  that will diffuse the intensity of the power struggle right there.
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  If a child feels heard and understood and validated,
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  they don't need as much power and control.
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  It may not happen the first time you do it.
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  But if you do it consistently,
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  you will notice that the child automatically
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  diffuses the intensity of what's going on.
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  So we're going to acknowledge what the child is feeling
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  because it's valid and we're going to hope that
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  it diffuses the intensity of the power struggle.
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  Ok,
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  then we give choices. Why do we give choices? Because
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  one of the things that we can do to consistently give children a measure of power
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  is provide them with choices.
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  Let's go back to the choice giving pillar.
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  When we provide choices, it helps a child consistently know
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  that they are given a measure of power and control.
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  So that's the antidote to power struggles is
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  the more choices you can provide the child,
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  the less they will need control in other situations.
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  And then we're going to set limits if the behavior warrants it.
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  Now, as I mentioned before, there's a framework here,
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  let me be very clear.
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  The framework gives you the skills and the tools to know what to do.
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  So therefore you can be confident
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  in your response.
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  But I think more than that
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  it allows you to stay neutral.
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  I know some of you are rolling your eyes and going. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Right. Right now.
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  But
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  when a child is escalating
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  and when
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  they are grabbing for power
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  and when this is a control issue,
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  the more neutral you stay,
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  the less it blows up.
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  And this is why the why matters because if you go, OK, they just,
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  they don't have a lot of control.
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  So they're trying to get control right now.
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  I know why this is happening and I know what to do to handle it.
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  You can stay neutral.
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  Let's go back to the rules of thumb, which this is season two.
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  So if you have just joined season two, first of all, welcome. So glad you're here.
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  I'm so excited that the audience is growing and more and more
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  of you are finding out about us and joining this group.
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  This is a group of super committed parents that truly care about their kids
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  and really want to have the skills so that they can parent effectively.
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  So
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  you found good company
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  if you joined in season two, however,
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  it'd be helpful to go back and listen to some season one episodes because
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  I did a Rules of Thumb series where we talked about principles and parenting
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  and one of which is be a thermostat, not a thermometer.
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  So when we talk about a power struggle and when we talk about staying neutral,
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  and we talk about understanding the why
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  we are a thermostat.
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  The function of a thermostat is that we adjust according to what's going on
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  a
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  thermometer just reads the room.
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  So if your child is at a 10, you're likely going to be at a 10 as well.
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  But
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  if you are a thermostat, the child's at a 10, you come down to a two,
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  the more neutral that you are,
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  the more there's a balance,
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  there's a dynamic nature to relationships.
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  So when your child goes to 10 really quickly
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  and you put yourself at a two,
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  not only are you modeling for a child, what self control looks like
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  and what emotional regulation looks like,
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  but you're also helping to bring them down a little bit,
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  the thermostat, make thermostat makes adjustments, right.
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  So let's, let's talk through these pillar options.
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  So child is power struggling with you.
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  You reflect what's going on,
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  you really wish that you didn't have to go to bed,
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  but it's bedtime,
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  it's neutral.
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  And then here's the thing in that scenario,
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  there may not be a behavior that requires a limit.
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  So you would just provide choices.
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  You can choose to go to bed right now or you can choose to go to bed in two minutes.
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  Which do you choose?
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  Or you can choose for me to read you a book or you can choose for me to
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  stay in your room for three minutes
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  once you're in bed, which do you choose?
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  Notice that
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  you're giving a sense, sense of power to the child when you give them choices
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  and you're diffusing the intensity and helping
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  them feel heard by reflecting their feeling.
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  But the reality is it's bedtime.
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  It doesn't have to be
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  get in bed.
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  Why is it that every single time I tell you that it's bedtime, you fight with me.
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  I don't wanna have a fight. Get in your bed right now.
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  Ok. Totally different vibe.
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  You really don't wanna go to bed. You love staying up. But you know it's bedtime.
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  So you can choose to go to bed right now or you can choose to go to bed in two minutes.
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  Which do you choose?
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  Do you see the difference thermostat? Not a thermometer? Right?
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  And understanding the why what kid wants to go to bed.
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  What kid wants to be told when to go to bed?
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  Would you, if you were in the middle of watching a show or reading a book or
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  talking to someone or doing whatever, would you want someone to walk out and go? Ok.
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  Get in bed.
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  That's annoying.
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  Let's put ourselves in our kids shoes. No one likes to be told what to do.
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  No one likes to feel they have no control over their lives.
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  And if you're right in the middle of something
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  and someone just walks out and goes too bad,
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  go do something else.
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  You would be mad too.
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  So
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  if we understand our child's behaviors
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  and we understand the why
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  we just neutrally respond because we have our framework,
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  we're going to reflect a feeling we're going to
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  provide choices and if a behavior warrants it,
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  we're going to set a limit.
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  But the point of all of this is that it doesn't escalate.
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  Power struggles are power struggles. When there's escalation,
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  you ever notice that if one person doesn't en engage
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  and if one person stays really calm and neutral,
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  even if the other person tries to escalate it or tries to ramp it up,
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  it doesn't go anywhere.
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  The other person might get really ramped up, but collectively nothing happens.
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  This is why the child-centered play therapy approach
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  and the play therapy parenting approach is so effective
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  because you are confident that you know how to handle it.
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  You have the skills that you need.
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  You can understand the why,
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  you know, the principles that guide your behaviors
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  and your neutrality keeps things at a calm level. That's exactly what you want.
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  You want your parenting to be calm.
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  The little segue is the path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts
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  now
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  that's what we want.
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  We want to be calm, we want to be confident and we want to be in control.
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  Well, in a power struggle scenario,
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  you can be all three
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  because you know
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  what's going on,
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  you know what you should do and you know the principles that undergird it
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  and then there's no escalation.
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  So I hope that you find that helpful. I hope that that encourages you this week.
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  If you find yourself in a moment where your
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  child is starting to engage in a power struggle,
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  you now have something fresh in your mind
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  to help guide and
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  influence the way that that goes. I'd love to hear from you if you have a huge win.
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  If you have a huge fail, if you have somewhere in between,
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  I'd love to hear your stories.
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  You can shoot me an email brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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  or you can
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  phone into the voicemail line.
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  If you would like, you can leave a message that I can listen to and respond to.
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  And that number is 813-812-5525.
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  But this week, your goal is to recognize when a power struggle is starting
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  and respond in
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  an intentional way, which is from the child-centered play therapy perspective.
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  All right, y'all,
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  thank you for being with me each week.
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  Thank you for the time that you spend working on being the most effective parent
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  that you can be and raising the most happy kids that you can raise.
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  There is no greater work. So I hope that you feel very encouraged.
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  We'll talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.