Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / The Smartest Jokes You'll Hear Today | Allen Strickland Williams

Transcript

The Smartest Jokes You'll Hear Today | Allen Strickland Williams · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
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• 0:02
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• 0:05
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• 0:08
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• 0:19
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• 0:27
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• 0:51
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• 0:57
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• 1:11
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• 1:17
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• 1:24
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• 1:27
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• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Comedy Central stand-up present Alex Brick with Williams Give it up for Alex Brick with Williams.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I had to wake up early today.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone here ever woken up early?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's the worst, right?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Told my friend I had to wake up early.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: He gives me one of these, he goes, hey, you know the nice thing about waking up early.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: You get a lot of stuff done.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Ever hear that bullshit?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yeah, you want to know what sucks?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Doing stuff.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Doing like anything sucks.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Especially during the daytime.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Daytime's the worst time to do anything.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing good has ever happened during the day.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it, daytime.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: So when they made us go to school.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: So we have to go work at our jobs.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: 911 happened during the day.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like first thing in the morning, too.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Eight forty eight AM, rude awakening.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Hid the snooze on that.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Daytime sucks.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Nighttime's where it's at.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: We're drinking, we're laughing.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Who knows?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: People might even fuck later.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Math.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Nine out of ten fucks happen at night.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Nine out of ten elevens happen during the day.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: People try to come at me with breakfast.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Alan, breakfast, most important meal of the day.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: When is the best time to eat breakfast?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: 3 a.m., drunk as fuck.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Nighttime wins again.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: You'll still don't believe me that nighttime is just all around cooler than daytime.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Think about the two things we associate most with night and day.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Day, the sun.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: The sun is a fucking loser.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: The sun is that nerdy kid in the front seat of class, same spot every day, nothing better going on, total buzzkill.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: If you look at the sun too long, you get a headache, and then you go blind.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't wear enough sunscreen, you get cancer.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And in a billion years, the sun will literally explode and destroy everything humanity has ever known.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Not very tight.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Meanwhile, the moon is dope.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: The moon is so chill that sometimes at night doesn't even show up.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's big and red for no reason, all in your face.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's too hungover, it's got a chill and a hammock.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it shows up during the day, crashes the sun's shit, like, let's do it, nerd, pregaming, 2 p.m.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: The moon is cool.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: The only time that the sun is ever cool is during an eclipse when the moon is like, he's with me.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: That was joke number one.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm originally from Florida.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Wu is the state motto of Florida, that is correct.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Florida's a weird place.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: If you've never been there, I have this analogy I like to use to explain it.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'll share with you fine folks tonight.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, if America is the Walmart, then Florida's that McDonald's inside the Walmart.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you've ever been to one of those McDonald's, but it's always really weird.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a guy waving a gun around for no reason.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: There's an iguana at the cash register.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's a meth deal by the sodas.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: There's a meth deal on the menu.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually pretty good meth.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: You can get that.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm from Jacksonville, Florida.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's like the bathroom inside the McDonald's inside the Walmart.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Water's always overflowing and limp biscuits always playing.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Very aggressive bathroom situation.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Jacksonville's interesting because Jacksonville's actually like the northernmost part of the state of Florida.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: But it's actually super southern in culture.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like all my family are rednecks, uh, I was raised Southern Baptist, my mama was a casserole.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: But if I ever say that I'm from the South and someone from like Alabama or Georgia hears me say that, they always go, Florida, that ain't the South.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Back in LA every year, around Thanksgiving, there's this uh billboard that PETA puts up every year.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, PETA, they don't want you to eat meat and stuff like that.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it's around Thanksgiving, it's got a picture of a dog on it.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Says you wouldn't eat your dog, so why would you eat a turkey?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, okay, pretty good point.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I went home and I ate my dog.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Pita.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Does anyone else ever deal with this problem?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I find that I can come off as pretentious and off-putting to people who are inferior to me and dumb.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Where am I snobs at out there?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Politics are still happening, we cannot stop it.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um my biggest issue with the uh with the 2016 Trump-Clinton election was that like Trump didn't plan anything the whole time.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like he didn't write anything down, he didn't have a script, he's just making shit up, you know.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: He's like asking the crowd for suggestions.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: What are you gonna build?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: A wall! Who's gonna pay for it?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Mexico.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that sounds good.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Let's do that.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: And Clinton like had a script, she wrote stuff down, she stuck to it maybe too much, and Trump won.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: And that just makes me feel like America as a country chose improv comedy over stand up.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't think that's good.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think we can zip-zap-zop our way out of this one.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: When the class war starts, we can't just go and scene and start a new country.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people still can't wrap their heads around how Trump won, and uh, I'm from Florida, so I get it.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I bet you all get it too.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Uh there's an appeal to Donald Trump, besides the racism.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: There is an appeal to Donald Trump.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: And the appeal is that Donald Trump is daddy.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Donnie's daddy, baby.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: He's making a lot of big promises to the children that he will never be able to follow through on, just like dad.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, kids, we're gonna build you a tree house, and the neighbors are gonna pay for it.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't make any sense.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: But I get it though, because dad's a fun guy.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: He's always got a little extra money in his pocket.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: If you're sick home from school, he'll buy you like all the McDonald's, you know.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: He's a fun guy, I get it.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: But think about growing up, think about your childhood, think about your own household.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Who actually gets shit done?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: Mom.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Mom gets shit done.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: No one likes her.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: No one likes mom, you know.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: She's not winning any polls down on the old homestead.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Always fussing over you, telling you where to sit, taking pictures with the flash on in broad daylight, you know, mom's stuff.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: But she drove us to school every day and made sure we learned to read, so I voted for the mom, you know.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but my mom voted for the daddy, so you can't trust anyone.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: There's a gun issue in the country, and like I get it, guns are fun.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: My dad's got a lot of guns, they're fun to shoot and stuff, but uh I just don't get why guns are legal in every state, but weed still isn't, you know?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Huh.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I've never been at a party or the bar and been super stoked that someone brought a gun.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, hey, keep on the DL, but uh Kevin brought a gun.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: He's gonna go out bag, pass it around, hit that shit.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: I also don't get why anyone would ever want to own multiple guns, you know?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: You can only fit one in your mouth.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all are nice listening to the political shit.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'll do some impressions for you guys, cleanse the palate, everybody likes impressions, you know.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: This first impression is of Napoleon Bonaparte posing for his goofy portrait.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you see Napoleon in like a series portrait in history textbooks and museums.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Here's Napoleon posing for his goofy portrait.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, this next impression is of an extremely unprofessional doctor giving his patient the diagnosis.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: So extremely unprofessional doc telling his patient what's up.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: Here we go.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: You sick fuck.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: His next impression is of Jesus Christ at a wine bar.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just have a water.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: My friends just had a baby boy, they put a picture of him on Facebook, he's wearing a onesie cute little number.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Said, ladies, I have arrived.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, okay, cool, this baby likes to fuck.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's a cool baby, yeah.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Take that baby out of the club.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: That baby was born, he was like, Doc, whatever I came out of, I want to get right back into.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: I like to do drugs because they make me feel good.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: One thing I like to do when I'm really bored is I like to get really high.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then I like to go to that Google Maps and I go to the street view, and I just drive.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: See what's out there in that great big world of ours, you know.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Put a little desk fan there, feel the wind in my hair.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Really live, you know.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I do smoke weed, but I don't wake and bake.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: I woke and coke.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Really gets the eight-ball rolling, you know.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Do you guys know this back in the day?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: They actually used to put cocaine in Coca-Cola.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know you still can?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's what you call a Coca-Cola classic.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I like to have sex because it makes me feel good.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anyone here has ever had sex or come to before, but it's great.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Done most of the drugs and coming still comes out on top.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times when it comes to sex, you'll hear about a woman faking her orgasm.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um I've never experienced this.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: But you never hear about a man faking his orgasm.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so I'm just here to say, no shame.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'll admit it in front of all you fine folks tonight, I have definitely faked an orgasm.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I was alone.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: I was jerking off and I just wanted to be over with.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like, get out of my apartment, buddy.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: I got shit to do.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: Fellas, just here's a heads up for the fellas.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, for men, 80% of our sexual nerve endings are actually in our butt.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: Which just begs the question: how do I get my butt inside a woman's vagina?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you know this, but as you get older, the taste buds on your tongue, they actually change with time.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Which I guess explains why now, as an adult, I love eating badass.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: I hated it as a kid.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: My mom was always like, two more bites.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he's a dirty boy.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: Every once in a while I get to have sex with a woman, that's always really fun, you know?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: But the thing is, it's like it's 2019, you know.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: We we as men need to recognize that women have a different set of bullshit and challenges that they have to deal with when it comes to hooking up and having sex, that men, frankly, never really have to deal with.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: So if I'm ever fortunate enough to bring a woman home, I like to be accommodating, you know, I like to anticipate her needs a little bit.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like uh, like maybe I'll I'll light that candle next to my bed.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's got like a wood-burning wick, nice aroma, it's kind of like a fireplace, you know, it shows you're thinking about it, it's really nice.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe I have like latex condoms and non-latex condoms because some women out there are uh actually allergic to latex, you know, we all know that.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: And um maybe I have like glycerin-free, paraben-free lube, because that's better for the pH balance of the vagina long term, you know.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: We all know that.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I have like baby wipes next to my bed for cleanup after, so I don't want to fish some dirty rag out of my hamper like a horny raccoon, you know.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe my mattress is on a bed frame and not the floor.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm not a fucking monster.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe the next morning I call a Lyft, not an Uber, because Lyft has better policies towards women.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: These are all things that everyone should know.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: But I think the most annoying thing that women have to deal with if they are women who have sex with dudes, is after he puts his dumb dick in you, he takes it out and he goes, Did I make you come?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: Feel like that's gotta be a fucking annoying question.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because first off, if you have to ask.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then second, it's like, did I, a sexual god, make you a lowly mortal earthwoman, come with my magical wizard dick?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I never do that.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: I never ask a woman if I made her come.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: I always ask her, Did I make you think?
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to give him the intellectual shocker.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: Two in the pink, one in the think.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm almost taking one thing.