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10 things I wish every woman knew · This Daring Adventure

0:03
Welcome to This Daring Adventure Podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life.
0:14
In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be.
0:22
Here is your host, mindset mentor and life coach, Trista Guertin.
0:33
Trista: Hey, everybody.
0:34
Trista: Welcome back to This Daring Adventure.
0:36
Trista: I am very excited about this episode.
0:40
Trista: I wanted to do something a little different.
0:44
Trista: Building on the last couple of episodes, the three things that are changing my life and the three things, the three ideas that have really helped.
0:55
Trista: Today, I'm doing a list of ten things I wish every woman knew, and these are things I wish I had known before I started coaching.
1:05
Trista: Not that I needed to know them before.
1:07
Trista: Well, the thing is, is, is I learned them when I started being coached and as I became a coach.
1:15
Trista: And honestly, they're things that probably...
1:19
Trista: well, they would have definitely served me decades ago.
1:24
Trista: But I, I do believe that, we learn things when we're ready and when we're supposed to.
1:33
Trista: And so even though it would have been really helpful to learn them a long time ago, I do believe that it's never too late.
1:44
Trista: And these are important ideas and concepts that can serve anybody at any point in their lives.
1:53
Trista: And I try to make sure that every woman that I coach hears these things from me and learns them and hopefully is able to apply them to herself and her own life.
2:10
Trista: And I wanted to share them with you today.
2:13
Trista: It was a lot of fun for me to put this together.
2:17
Trista: They are not things like invest sooner, wear sunscreen, or don't spend two hundred dollars on shoes that hurt your feet.
2:25
Trista: Although, yes, that's all excellent advice.
2:28
Trista: But I'm talking about things that would have fundamentally changed the way I experienced my life and that subsequently have, and I try to live them every single day.
2:41
Trista: These are things that now I understand because of coaching, because of the work I've done on myself, and because of the hundreds of conversations I've had with women about their lives.
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Trista: And because I've had the privilege of seeing how our brains work when we're afraid, overwhelmed, and doubting, and uncertain, and disappointed, and heartbroken, or trying deliberately to figure out what comes next and to get unstuck I came up
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Trista: with 10.
3:13
Trista: I st- I was going to start with three, and then I thought, "Well, I'll go to five."
3:18
Trista: And I thought, "Ah, you know, there are 10 actually," and I could probably keep going.
3:22
Trista: But let's start with part one.
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Trista: This is 10.
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Trista: 10 things I wish every woman knew, especially the woman who thinks she should have it figured it all out by now, especially the woman who looks around her life and thinks, "Is this it?"
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Trista: Especially the woman who has spent years being the good girl, being responsible, capable, reasonable, and has quietly started wondering what she actually wants.
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Trista: So, if you and I were sitting down over coffee and I could tell you the 10 things that I genuinely believed could change your life, these would be them And the first one...
4:09
Trista: Now, I really didn't put these in order, but Definitely the first and most important one, even if you don't take anything else from this episode, is that there is nothing wrong with you.
4:26
Trista: And this is where I wanted to start because I think on some level, most women are walking around with this quiet assumption that there's something wrong with me.
4:41
Trista: And maybe you don't say that in those exact words.
4:46
Trista: Maybe you sound like, "Why can't I just get over this?
4:51
Trista: Why am I still thinking about him?
4:53
Trista: Why can't I make a decision?
4:55
Trista: Why do I keep procrastinating?
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Trista: Why don't I have more discipline?
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Trista: Why am I not happier?
5:01
Trista: Why do I care so much about what people think?
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Trista: Why do I keep doing this?"
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Trista: And underneath all of those questions is often the same conclusion and the same underlying belief.
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Trista: I shouldn't be like this.
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Trista: There's something wrong with me.
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Trista: I'm not good enough.
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Trista: And this is a personal one for me.
5:28
Trista: I spent years...
5:30
Trista: I discovered self-help back when I was 18, probably earlier.
5:37
Trista: And so I was trying to fix myself, trying to figure it out And coaching taught me something completely different.
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Trista: There's nothing wrong with me.
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Trista: I'm not broken.
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Trista: I'm human.
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Trista: I have a human brain doing human brain things My brain was trying to protect me.
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Trista: It was trying to avoid discomfort.
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Trista: It was trying to keep me safe, repeating familiar patterns, seeking approval, predicting danger, keeping me inside what it already knew And so nothing was going wrong.
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Trista: My brain was actually functioning exactly the way it should or was designed.
6:25
Trista: But understanding that changed everything for me.
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Trista: And it was a pattern that I re- saw repeated in coaching over and over again with the women that I was listening to, the women I was coaching, me as I was getting coached.
6:42
Trista: I saw this over and over again And it dawned on me that this was the pattern.
6:51
Trista: Every woman thought she was doing it wrong.
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Trista: Every woman thought there was something wrong with her.
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Trista: And I realized one day, wait a minute, you can't tell me that every single woman is walking around this planet with something wrong with her.
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Trista: And if we're all feeling like this, then the common denominator has to be that we're all human, and we're just having a human experience.
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Trista: And somehow along the way, we've decided that it's about us That somehow we're so unique and special and so wrong.
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Trista: But it's, it's not that at all.
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Trista: You're having a human experience with your human brain.
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Trista: There's nothing wrong with you.
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Trista: But there are tools and skills that you can learn so that you're not treating yourself as the problem, and you can finally get curious about what's happening And drop the judgment, and then learn how to move yourself forward.
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Trista: And that is game-changing.
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Trista: So there's nothing wrong with you, I promise you The second is you are not doing life wrong.
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Trista: And this one is closely related to there's nothing wrong with you.
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Trista: There is no secret committee somewhere handing out report cards on how well you're doing life.
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Trista: Nobody is sitting there going, married by 30, excellent.
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Trista: Divorced at 47, minus 12 points.
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Trista: Changing careers at 52, hmm, concerning.
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Trista: Don't know what she wants at 55, failure.
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Trista: And we have been programmed, we have absorbed so many ideas about what a successful life is supposed to look like and how we're supposed to be that sometimes we don't even realize we're measuring ourselves against them.
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Trista: We're just following along and using that as the measuring stick.
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Trista: You should know what you're doing.
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Trista: You should have more money.
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Trista: You should have a better relationship.
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Trista: You should be happier.
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Trista: You should be more generous.
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Trista: You should be more confident.
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Trista: You should have it all figured out by now Says who?
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Trista: Who made all these rules?
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Trista: Who decided Listen, you're not behind schedule.
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Trista: This is your life.
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Trista: And maybe instead of constantly asking, "Am I doing this right?"
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Trista: We could start asking ourselves a much more interesting question: How do I want to do it?
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Trista: Because this is where you take the power back, your power back And you start being intentional and deliberate.
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Trista: And this is where you find your joy, excitement, and passion And drop the judgment because you're not doing it wrong I promise you.
10:09
Trista: All right.
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Trista: Number three is you don't have to believe everything you think.
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Trista: This is also a game changer.
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Trista: We think up to 60,000 thoughts per day.
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Trista: Our brain is offering us constant thoughts And so this is one of the most useful things I've ever learned Some of the thoughts that your brain is offering you are going to be useful and helpful and insightful and
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Trista: hilarious, and others will be nonsense and not helpful.
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Trista: And yet most of us were never taught how to separate having a thought from believing a thought Your brain will tell you you're gonna embarrass yourself, it's too late, nobody wants that, you're not qualified, you'll probably fail, you
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Trista: shouldn't do that.
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Trista: And we believe it.
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Trista: We go, "Okay, right.
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Trista: You're right."
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Trista: And then we, we live our lives according to those thoughts And again, you go back to the idea that the brain is trying to protect you and keep you safe.
11:26
Trista: So it means well, but it's gonna default to the setting where it's like we're, you don't wanna necessarily take a risk, and you're gonna err on the side of caution And it will tell you to lie on the
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Trista: couch and watch Netflix because it's easier, it's more comfortable, it's more fun, and you can do whatever you want to do tomorrow or next week, or maybe just not at all because maybe it's just not for you after
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Trista: all But imagine if every notification that popped up on your phone automatically became an instruction you had to follow.
12:05
Trista: I- w- you'd think it was ridiculous.
12:07
Trista: You'd think, "This is, this is, this is not possible.
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Trista: Doesn't make sense."
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Trista: But that's often exactly what we do with our thoughts A thought is something that your brain offered you, and that's it You get to examine it, you get to question it, you get to decide whether you want to
12:31
Trista: keep thinking it.
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Trista: You get to decide whether it's helpful.
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Trista: And that little bit of separation is life-changing because suddenly you aren't trapped inside your thinking.
12:44
Trista: You can have that awareness and go, "Wait a minute."
12:48
Trista: You can observe it.
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Trista: And once you observe your thinking, you can start changing your relationship with it, and that's where you get intentional and deliberate.
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Trista: You change your thoughts, you'll change your emotions.
13:03
Trista: You change your emotion, you'll take new action.
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Trista: You take new action, you will create a brand-new result for yourself.
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Trista: This is how you create whatever it is you want Number four, and again, this is really important.
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Trista: I'm gonna go through and say that about every single one.
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Trista: But number four is learning how to feel your emotions, because this will change everything as well, and I wish we were taught this in school.
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Trista: I wish I'd learned this many, many, many years ago.
13:38
Trista: I learned physics, and I learned geography, and I learned how to identify a dangling participle.
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Trista: But nobody sits us down, when we become teenagers, especially when they're, we have all these big emotions, and say, "By the way, you're going to experience disappointment, rejection, grief, embarrassment, jealousy, shame, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear, and here's
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Trista: how to be with those emotions without letting them run your life."
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Trista: Because they ran my life all over the place, up and down, and backwards and forwards And it wasn't helpful, and it wasn't necessary But learning how to be with those emotions would've been more useful Learning how to be
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Trista: with them instead of trying not to feel them Learning to work and eat and scroll and overthink and people please and stay busy and try and control other people and avoid the conversation and not take the risk because
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Trista: we didn't want to feel those emotions.
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Trista: And then we wonder why our lives start getting smaller.
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Trista: But one of the most important things I teach my clients is how to experience emotion without immediately needing to fix it or escape it or make it mean that something has gone wrong.
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Trista: It's not an emergency.
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Trista: it's okay.
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Trista: You can experience it and get through it.
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Trista: And then you can create the emotion that you want to drive the actions that you wanna take in order to create the result that you desire And alongside that work, we also address the nervous system.
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Trista: And this is something that I've recently started working on.
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Trista: It's breathing, it's grounding, it's slowing down.
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Trista: It's learning how to help your body feel safer when your brain is sounding the alarm.
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Trista: Because imagine what becomes possible when discomfort isn't an emergency anymore.
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Trista: It's not a reason to panic You learn how to have the conversation.
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Trista: You learn how to hear no.
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Trista: You learn how to make a decision powerfully You can leave, you can begin, you can try, you can fail, you try again.
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Trista: And there's a freedom in that.
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Trista: There's an ease, there's a peace, there's a calm that comes from doing this work, and it is powerful.
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Trista: And I will tell you that since I've added that nervous system component It's changed everything for me.
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Trista: Again, all these things have changed everything for me, I know, but it's true Number five is that you have far more power than you think you do.
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Trista: And this one really gets me because I see women handing away their power all the time without realizing they are doing it They're handing it to their past, to the husband, to their ex, to their boss, to their
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Trista: mother, to their mother-in-law, to their age, to the economy, to politics, to something that somebody said 10 years ago to them, to whether somebody approves of them, to whether somebody work- or something works for the first time We
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Trista: start believing we can feel better when something outside of us changes.
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Trista: And yes, there are gonna be circumstances that are gonna challenge us.
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Trista: But you have so much more influence over your experience of your life than you realize You get to decide what you make something mean.
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Trista: You get to decide how you want to react and respond and experience it.
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Trista: You get to decide what you want to do next.
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Trista: You get to decide what you want to tolerate what you want to allow into your life You can decide what you practice believing, what you want to think, and how you want to feel.
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Trista: You get to decide whether fear gets a vote, and whether fear means stop, or whether you experience it and you keep going.
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Trista: You get to decide whether somebody else's opinion becomes your instruction manual And you can decide again and again and again And you can change your mind And you don't have to feel guilty, and you don't have to feel
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Trista: regret This is enormous power.
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Trista: And learning how to work with that and harness it, again, changes everything.
19:17
Trista: I know, but there you go.
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Trista: It's really amazing, amazing stuff Now, number six is your past does not define your future.
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Trista: Another great one.
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Trista: Listen, your past is going to explain some things.
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Trista: It's gonna explain a lot.
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Trista: what happened to you in childhood, your experiences, the way your brain made sense of the world around you, the messaging, the programming, what you were taught in school, by your parents, in the media, by your culture, religion, whatever
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Trista: it is Just your experiences, what somebody said to you, whether you succeeded or failed Those are experiences that yes, have an impact on you and, and that we will carry through with us for the rest of our lives.
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Trista: But now that you're an adult, now that your brain is fully matured You have to understand that it doesn't dictate what happens next I think sometimes we look backward and then we use our history against ourselves as evidence
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Trista: for what's possible or not possible.
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Trista: We tell ourselves, "I've just always been like this.
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Trista: I've never begun with-- I've never been good with money.
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Trista: My relationships never work out.
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Trista: There's something wrong with me.
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Trista: I've never been confident.
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Trista: I've tried before.
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Trista: I've failed before.
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Trista: I'm gonna fail again."
20:58
Trista: Okay But that tells me what has happened, but it doesn't tell me what has to happen.
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Trista: We don't have to let our past define our future if it's not helpful Your past can be information instead of prophecy or a prediction.
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Trista: You can learn from it without living inside it and dragging it with you like some sort of baggage And this is where identity work becomes so powerful.
21:39
Trista: This is where processing some of the emotions where you still have an emotional charge from your past is important We're choosing deliberately what you want to think can change everything Because it, if at some point you want to
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Trista: live a different life, you wanna live into a different identity, create a different future, you have to stop asking your history for permission.
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Trista: You have to let it stop defining you.
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Trista: You have to let, stop letting it define your future Number seven is that we are here to find out what we're capable of.
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Trista: And this again is a great one, and it's probably one of my favorites.
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Trista: What if that became the experiment of your life?
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Trista: Not can I avoid failure?
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Trista: Can I stay safe?
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Trista: Can I make everybody like me?
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Trista: Can I make sure I never embarrass myself?
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Trista: Can I get it right?
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Trista: But what am I really capable of What might be possible for me in my life?
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Trista: I love those questions because I genuinely don't know the answer for myself, 'cause it changes.
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Trista: You reach one level, you will learn one thing, you accomplish something, and then say, "Hey, this is amazing.
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Trista: What else might be possible?"
23:18
Trista: And we don't know.
23:19
Trista: And that's great.
23:20
Trista: That's okay.
23:21
Trista: Let's find out I like the idea that I haven't met every version of myself yet I don't know what I'm gonna create.
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Trista: I don't know who I'm gonna meet.
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Trista: I don't know what I'm gonna learn.
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Trista: I don't know what opportunities will appear.
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Trista: I don't know what I'm capable of, of at fifty-five or sixty or seventy or eighty plus.
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Trista: But I'm gonna find out, and I am taking this year, and I am doubling down my investment and time and money and effort into finding out for myself.
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Trista: And I have big plans.
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Trista: I wanna see what's possible.
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Trista: I'm gonna decide what I wanna go after, and I'm gonna make it big and exciting, and I'm gonna have fun along the way.
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Trista: that's the adventure.
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Trista: That's what we're here for.
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Trista: So we don't need to use our life to prove anything, to prove that we're good enough, to prove that we're worthy, to prove that we're successful.
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Trista: But I'm here for myself to see what's possible and what I'm capable of.
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Trista: That's what gets me up in the morning And that work includes helping other women find out what they're capable of, and that's a beautiful thing That is work of a lifetime.
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Trista: Let's do this together.
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Trista: Let's support each other.
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Trista: Let's take what I've learned and I've applied to myself and, and help you apply it to yours, and then you can pass that on to somebody else.
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Trista: Be the leader.
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Trista: Be the inspiration.
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Trista: Set the example.
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Trista: Show up.
25:15
Trista: Go first.
25:17
Trista: Go often I go with purpose Number eight is coaching changes everything.
25:30
Trista: I guess that's a theme centrally running through all of these.
25:35
Trista: I have an obvious bias here.
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Trista: I am a coach.
25:38
Trista: I love coaching.
25:40
Trista: Love it.
25:42
Trista: But I am also someone who has been coached.
25:44
Trista: I will tell you, I just signed with a new private coach.
25:47
Trista: I'm in a business coaching.
25:48
Trista: I'm in a coaching program for coaches.
25:52
Trista: I'm in a group coaching It's amazing work.
25:57
Trista: It's the best work of my life I am grateful every single day that I came across coaching There were things about myself that I simply could not see on my own.
26:12
Trista: There were things about myself that I simply could not change on my own.
26:16
Trista: There were things that I just didn't understand.
26:20
Trista: And that's because we're inside our own brains, and our own emotions, and our own thoughts, and we let our thoughts sound like facts, and our assumptions sound reasonable, and our patterns feel like personality, and that everything about our
26:33
Trista: past feels like it's a fact, and it's just going to predict everything that we are and what we can do And I needed another person who know, who knew what they were looking for to say, "Wait, did you
26:56
Trista: hear what you just said?"
27:00
Trista: What else could be true?
27:03
Trista: Is that helpful And that's what great coaching does.
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Trista: I don't tell my clients what to do with their lives.
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Trista: You know best You are the authority of your life.
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Trista: But my job as a coach is to help you see what you cannot see when you're standing in the middle of it, and that's just part of the human experience.
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Trista: I will show you where your thinking is creating unnecessary suffering.
27:37
Trista: I will help you understand your emotions instead of being controlled by them.
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Trista: I will help you regulate your nervous system, and I will help you challenge your stories that you've been repeating for years and years, decades.
27:52
Trista: I help you separate what you actually want from what fear and conditioning and other people's expectations are telling you you should-- what you should want.
28:06
Trista: And then I help you build the skills to move forward.
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Trista: Listen, you can read the books and listen to the podcasts.
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Trista: We all love a good podcast.
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Trista: You can journal, and these things are wonderful.
28:18
Trista: They all help.
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Trista: But there's something very different about having someone look specifically at your brain, your patterns, your situation, your decisions, and apply it directly to your life And this is why I believe so deeply in this work.
28:35
Trista: it is life-changing And there is nothing I think is better investment of time and money and effort than investing in your own brain and your emotions and your mental health and your nervous system.
28:56
Trista: Investing in that to me is the ultimate It's a game changer And I, I would not do anything differently And I'm happy to share that with you.
29:13
Trista: I'm happy to have this podcast.
29:14
Trista: I'm happy to take everything that I've learned and help you apply it to your life Number nine is that your mindset and emotional health require maintenance.
29:31
Trista: I think a lot of us learn some of this, and we think then we're done.
29:38
Trista: Congratulations, you've completed personal development.
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Trista: Here's your certificate, and now you will think helpful thoughts forever.
29:47
Trista: But that's not the way it works.
29:50
Trista: Your brain is still going to brain.
29:53
Trista: I love that.
29:55
Trista: You're still gonna have days when you doubt yourself.
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Trista: You're still gonna get triggered.
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Trista: I still get triggered.
30:01
Trista: I still have doubt.
30:04
Trista: I still overthink things.
30:05
Trista: I still wanna hide sometimes I still have old patterns knocking on the door saying, "Hey, remember me?
30:14
Trista: I'm still here."
30:18
Trista: This work isn't something that we finish It's something that we practice I want you to think of it like brushing your teeth or conditioning your body, tending a garden.
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Trista: You don't brush your teeth once and say, "Okay, I'm done.
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Trista: That's it.
30:38
Trista: Don't need to do it anymore."
30:41
Trista: You don't go to the gym once and say, "I'm one and done.
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Trista: That's it.
30:43
Trista: I've got the muscles."
30:46
Trista: And if you don't tend the garden daily, weekly, it gets overgrown, the weeds, all the things.
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Trista: So all of these things require maintenance, just like your mind and your emotions do.
31:01
Trista: You keep tending it.
31:06
Trista: And this is why I work on my mindset regularly.
31:08
Trista: I pay attention to my emotional state.
31:12
Trista: I notice my thinking.
31:13
Trista: I regulate my nervous system.
31:15
Trista: I meditate.
31:16
Trista: I get coached.
31:18
Trista: And there doesn't have to be a problem.
31:20
Trista: There doesn't have to be anything wrong.
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Trista: But this is how I want to live It helps me to build resilience.
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Trista: It helps me to build strength Helps me to stay calm and powerful and centered and grounded and peaceful And it helps me to grow and evolve And it helps me to go after what I want.
31:51
Trista: If there's something I don't have, if there's something I want to create, this is how I do it.
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Trista: Tending to my mindset, tending to my emotions.
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Trista: This is the work Finally, number 10, also a good one, is you are not supposed to be happy all the time.
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Trista: We are not here to just be happy all the time.
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Trista: That's not the goal.
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Trista: Please release yourself from this job.
32:20
Trista: You do not need to achieve permanent happiness.
32:24
Trista: Sounds exhausting.
32:25
Trista: It is exhausting.
32:26
Trista: You're a human being.
32:28
Trista: You're supposed to f- experience the full range of human emotion, and you're going to.
32:35
Trista: Joy, love, excitement, disappointment, sadness, grief, fear, anger, frustration, boredom, uncertainty.
32:46
Trista: This is life.
32:48
Trista: It's okay.
32:49
Trista: Nothing has gone wrong.
32:51
Trista: This is what we're here to experience The goal is never to manipulate yourself into feeling amazing every morning.
33:03
Trista: The goal is to become someone who can experience her entire life without being terrified and avoid parts of it.
33:12
Trista: Can you embrace it?
33:13
Trista: Can you live into it?
33:14
Trista: Lean into it?
33:17
Trista: Go first.
33:19
Trista: Go with purpose And strangely enough, when you stop demanding that you feel good all of the time, it creates so much more peace You stop making a bad day mean something.
33:33
Trista: You stop panicking about anxiety.
33:37
Trista: You stop making it mean that maybe something has gone wrong.
33:41
Trista: You stop thinking that sadness means you're going backwards.
33:45
Trista: Sometimes you're just a human being having a Tuesday.
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Trista: It's okay Stop trying to be happy all the time.
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Trista: That's not the goal So those are my top 10.
34:04
Trista: There's nothing wrong with you.
34:05
Trista: You're not doing it wrong.
34:07
Trista: You don't have to believe everything you think.
34:10
Trista: Please don't You can learn how to experience emotions and support your nervous system.
34:18
Trista: You have way more power than you realize.
34:22
Trista: Your past doesn't determine your future.
34:26
Trista: You are here to discover what you're capable of and to grow and learn and evolve You don't have to figure any of this out by yourself.
34:37
Trista: And in fact, I encourage you to get help, get support Your mindset requires practice.
34:47
Trista: Your emotions need to be experienced, and you need to do this daily work.
34:55
Trista: You're not gonna be one and done, and that's okay And we were never meant to be happy all of the time.
35:04
Trista: That's not the goal.
35:04
Trista: It's not possible, and it makes us miserable And as I said, if I had understood these things earlier, I think I would have had a much different life, but...
35:18
Trista: And I would have spent much less time trying to fix myself and experiencing all the drama and all the things, and would have spent far more, much more time living and growing.
35:31
Trista: But here's the beautiful part.
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Trista: I know them now, and so do you.
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Trista: It's life-changing.
35:38
Trista: It's what we're here for So I hope, I hope you will take them to heart and, and maybe apply them to your life And if you want help, if you want support, if you've been listening to the podcast
36:02
Trista: Maybe on some level you find this helpful and resonates, and you can understand some of the concepts, and you can see yourself in, in what I'm saying, but you still wanna take the work deeper, and you still want
36:17
Trista: to apply it to your life then this is the work that we do.
36:24
Trista: In private coaching, one-to-one sessions, we take all of these ideas and apply them directly to you and your life, your relationship, your career, your business, your decisions, your confidence, your patterns.
36:37
Trista: One of them, all of them, whatever it is that you want to work on.
36:41
Trista: And often people come with one thing they want to work on or create, and it has a ripple effect on their entire lives So if there's something that you keep thinking about or there's something that you keep avoiding,
37:00
Trista: there's a change that you know you wanna make but haven't made yet, you don't need another 10 years thinking about your life.
37:09
Trista: You can learn how to actually work with your brain and your emotions and your nervous system so that you can start creating it, and that's what we do in coaching.
37:20
Trista: So if you're curious about working with me privately one-to-one, you can book a consultation.
37:28
Trista: We'll talk about where you are, what's happening, what you want, and what's actually getting in the way Because if there was an 11th thing that I wanted every woman to know, maybe it's this: Your life is not something
37:45
Trista: you're supposed to simply get through.
37:48
Trista: You're here.
37:49
Trista: You're having a human experience, and it's an extraordinary opportunity to be you.
37:58
Trista: So let's see what you're capable of.
38:00
Trista: See what you can create I'll talk to you next week