Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / Mini-Series EP 2: The Many Feelings of Miscarriages (Trigger warning)
Transcript
- Heidi Lindeman: Welcome back to the Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans podcast. This is a little mini series on early parenting and just talking about my journey becoming a single mother by choice and just what that was like because man do I have some stories about that whole journey. So last week I talked about the deciding how to become a, why I became a single mother by choice and kind of gave a little Couple of moments in there talked about miscarriages. So that's what this one is about. So I know that can be a tender topic for many people, especially if you have had miscarriages or you're trying to get pregnant and having a really hard time with that. So I'm just going to share what it was like for me and I'm going to be really honest and raw with it. So it's a jerk to you. You can listen to it or you can not. Do what is best for you. I found kind of two different cams of people. There's the people who find ⁓ the stories around miscarriage is really helpful because it helps them feel like they're not alone. And then there's another set of people who find that listening to those stories is extremely painful and sad and brings up a lot of ⁓ deep emotion that is really, really hard to be with. Anyway, so do what... is good for you. Skip this one if you don't want to listen to it. It's totally fine. Or listen to it. Also really great. Alright, so... The setting of the first story starts in the beginning of 2019. I had decided I was officially ready to try to become a mom. And I had a friend who had offered to help make that happen for me. and we... went to a hotel to make that happen. We did artificial insemination. I did not. That's all you need to about that. And I was so longing and desiring and hoping that it would work. And then it did. And I got pregnant. And I was amazed that I got pregnant on the first time. The first time I tried. I got pregnant. And I was so excited. I happened to be a intern at Peoplehouse. And I went into one of our group gatherings where all of us interns, we sit together and we are talking about what's going on in our lives. how being a therapist is, what kind of support we need, and we just talk about that to each other. And I shared in that group that I was pregnant. And I was really looking forward to that. And it was very early, like super, super early. Like I think I had literally taken a pregnancy test like a couple days before, and then I shared this. And I just felt this excitement, this warmth in my chest, this almost like a giddy thrill that it had worked and I was gonna have a baby. I'm so excited. and then a few weeks later I can't even quite remember where I was when I... when it started. I don't actually remember where I was when I started bleeding for the first time with my first miscarriage, but I know that I did. At some point I started bleeding and I knew that that probably wasn't a good thing. and I got really sad. really really sad and I went to my group the people house group that day it was a Thursday and I was super sad and I told them that I thought I was having a miscarriage and that evening I was actually going to hang out with a friend. When I did, I didn't tell her that I was having a miscarriage, but I kind of knew that it was happening. And that was the only day that I really functioned during that miscarriage. The next day, I got home and I went to bed. My body was just exhausted. and they're laid in my bed. And then every time I got up, I would get up and I would go to the toilet, and I would to go to bathroom. And I would see the blood. And it would remind me again that I was having a miscarriage. And the wave of grief and sadness washed over me. My body felt heavy. It felt hard to just walk to the bathroom and back to my bed. But I did. When I got back to my bed, I took off, I think probably a week of work. Because I literally physically hurt. I felt exhausted. and the period that I had. was not like a normal period. It was much heavier, much more intense, more cramps. But all I could do was lay in my bed and cry, watch movies to distract myself, and then get up to go to the bathroom when I needed to go to the bathroom. Try to eat some food every now and then. And I was just devastated for about a week. It was a really, really long week. And I didn't really want to be doing much of anything. And then at some point had to go back to work. I to go back to my life. And I was still sad, but the ⁓ physical exhaustion wasn't as much after the whole process, after the whole miscarriage process finished. And that miscarriage brought up a whole stirring of emotions and feelings and ⁓ doubts and questionings if how I had chosen to become a mom was really what wanted to do. So I waited for a while until I even could get back to imagining how am going to become a mom again. But I knew that I didn't want to try with my friend again. I wanted to go a different route. So in that ways, the miscarriage was kind of a blessing, though it was excruciating and painful. That's when I then found a known donor, Just a Baby. It's called Just a Baby, the known donor app. And then that was the process. Talked more about that in the last one. Okay, so then the second miscarriage. after once I found the donor, we tried a couple of months. I don't remember how many times, but it definitely was more than once. was maybe three. four months before I got pregnant. When I got pregnant again, of course, I was so excited. And I have always been somebody that right away I have shared the news of my pregnancy pretty early with everyone. ⁓ particularly my really close friends. And I remember I was for the first one, I'm sorry, I'm going backwards a little bit, back to the other story, but I remembered now that I was, as I'm thinking about this, the... It was around Valentine's Day because I had that dinner with my parents and ⁓ my brother and my for Valentine's Day. ⁓ And I was going tell them then that they were going to be grandparents and an aunt and an uncle. But instead I had to tell them that I a miscarriage. And that was a... ⁓ hard conversation and I had brought my friend with me as a supporter so that she could be there for whatever happened, for whatever would happen with me and my family. They were very sad for me. They were also very sad that I had a miscarriage, which meant that they were also excited that I had gotten pregnant. So that was a helpful awareness that they were kind of on board or okay with me getting pregnant. on my own and they definitely let me know how sad they were and how sorry they were that that happened to me. Anyway, that was the first miscarriage. Okay. So that's when that happened, around February. I think I was six or seven weeks then when the miscarriage happened and when I was gonna tell them. I think it was gonna be eight weeks when I was gonna tell them and the miscarriage happened like right around the seventh week. Okay, so back to I find my donor, this different guy. This guy that was not my friend before. The only purpose he had in my life was to be a donor. We try three or four times, get pregnant. And I felt really connected to that baby. That's what I remember about that one. I remember feeling like there was this internal deep knowing and awareness. and kind of a peace that came over me with that one. There was also a part of me that was really anxious and really nervous that I might have a miscarriage again. just remembering the story here. So then, okay, so I'm pregnant and I go to my parents' This was right at eight weeks. And... I told them that I was pregnant. And it was lovely. We had a great time. ⁓ these cute little t-shirts about for everyone. It's like the uncle and aunt and cousins and grandma and grandpa. But we call them Omanopa, because it's Omanopa shirt. And I just kind of gave them to all of them so they could have them. ⁓ It was a really fun night. I felt really great. felt really optimistic. And then right before I left, I went to the bathroom. And when I went to the bathroom, I wiped and there was a little bit of blood on the toilet paper. And I freaked out internally. I got really scared. was like, ⁓ God, I this isn't a miscarriage. I hope that's not what's happening. I hope it's just like a spotting. because sometimes spawning happens early in pregnancy and you're okay. And then I didn't tell my parents and I said goodbye and I walked out of the house and I got into the car. My heart was pounding. It was a racing. I was so scared and nervous. And I called my friend and I called them and I told them that I thought I was having a miscarriage and then I had to drive home and I was like, can you just please help me talk to me for a little bit so I can get home without being a sobbing mess and so I can go safe driving. And they did. They talked to me. They helped me. calm down enough so that I could drive home and be safe as I was driving. That night I had a lot of anxiety and worry and I went to bed because I got home kind of late. And the next day I had a... No, had earlier that week I had had a ⁓ ultrasound scheduled, the eight week ultrasound and they didn't tell me anything. So it wasn't with the OB, was with the the techs, ultrasound tech people. They just literally do the ultrasound and they give you no information. Their faces are completely like, could not tell if they're, this is a good thing, if this is not a good thing, like what's going on here, they don't know. ⁓ And the next day called and I was like, think I'm having miscarriage. But I want to be seen. I need to be seen now. ⁓ I went in. They couldn't see me. Maybe I'm getting my story mixed up, actually. I think I had an ultrasound scheduled for the next day, so I knew I was going to go there. I knew I was going to go there, so I went there. And then I had the ultrasound, and in the ultrasound their faces were flat. And then I walked upstairs to the OB department, because I asked the ultrasound, like, am I having a miscarriage? And they said, I can't tell you. That's how it went. That is totally how it went. ⁓ and I walked myself upstairs. And this was... March. 20th, 18th, 17th, somewhere in there, of 2021. No, of 2020. It was March something of 2020. was mid-March 2020. and I... We had known that COVID was a thing, but not everything had shut down yet. So there were masks that were, that the doctors were in. There was like hardly anybody in the doctor's office in the OB section. There was, it was like a ghost town. felt very weird. And I walked up there and I rang the bell. That was the only thing I think I'm having a miscarriage. I had an ultrasound downstairs just now. I need somebody to tell me what's going on. And they got me in. It was so amazing that they could do that. that there was some doctor and she looked at the ultrasound and she said, yes, you are having a miscarriage. And inside I felt this ball in my throat that you know when you want to cry but you don't want to cry and this deep drop and deep sadness and how terrible that was. I didn't cry. I mean, I have a hard time crying in front of people. but my whole heart dropped. I was devastated again. And she told me that there were, it was about nine weeks. She told me there was a couple of options. I could just let it take its course and it would just do its thing. And I wasn't bleeding a lot, so was just like spotting, so there wasn't a lot of blood. ⁓ So it hadn't fully gotten to that place yet. Or she said there's some medication she could prescribe to me that would make the Miscarriage happen faster. and I thought about that. And I elected to take the meds to try that, to see how that would go. Because I knew the last one, just doing it naturally, was exhausting and painful and hard. So I got those meds and I called my friend, same friend that I had called the day before. And I asked them if they could come over after work to be with me during this process. ⁓ And I... And they said yes. So I waited a little bit before I took the pills. And there was actually pills that you insert vaginally if you don't swallow them. And then nothing kind of happened for an hour or so or two. Not a whole lot was going on. And eventually my friend went home because they came over after work. And I waited until they were there so that I could... have support during this because I didn't know how fast it would work, what was it going to be like. And I still want to be alone. And things had started before they left, but it was just a little bit of blood, kind of like a period starting again. And then I tried to go to bed. And I had intense cramping, a lot of pain, pain that wouldn't allow me to sleep. it was, they were contractions is what they were. And then I kept having to go to the bathroom and there were clumps of blood and clumps of... some of them felt pretty big and it was a very odd sensation as they were coming out these big clumps of blood potentially one of them being the baby I don't know how big it was at that point but that came out. And it was probably about four or five hours of intense pain, intense cramping. Feels like I gave birth. Quite literally, it felt like I gave birth during those hours. And of course, afterward I was exhausted and I was sad and I went to bed. And I, because of the previous miscarriage, I like, I'm probably going to need to take off some time. So I took off the next day. And then I was like, I'll just see how it goes. And then the next day my mom came over because she wanted to support me because I had to tell her, I told her after I went to the doctor that I was having a miscarriage. So she came over and kind of hung out all day. I felt kind of normal. It was odd. My body didn't really hurt that much. I had fairly good energy. I wasn't a little tired because I sleep super well, but I was just like, think I'm just a little tired, but I feel kind of okay. And I wasn't really sad. And I wasn't crying all the time like I did in the last one. And was really fascinating to me. What is this? This is so different. And then the next day I was like, man, I can go back to work because I feel fine. So there was just something about maybe it was the meds that helped the process move along faster that made it so my body wasn't so exhausted at the end of it. I have no idea. I don't know why it was more sad. Maybe the first time it was more sad because I didn't even expect to have a miscarriage and the second time I was like I knew a miscarriage was a possibility. But. You know, just went with it. And so then after that miscarriage, since I have now had two, I went to my OB and I sit, I guess I was sitting on the bed, the table, the doctor table, and talking to my OB about the fact that I've had two miscarriages. What does that mean? Is that, there's like, should we do some labs or something to see if there's something that's off balance with me? Is it? Is there something that I can do to make the baby stay and stick and not have another miscarriage? I was just asking all the questions because I had no idea. like, could I eat something different? Could I? I don't know. I don't know, take some kind of medication that's gonna make them the baby stick. I no idea, I just asking her all the things. And she said, you know, we don't really do anything until there's been three miscarriages in a row. I was like, okay, well, I guess then we're not doing anything, because I had only had two. And she's talked about there's all these different reasons why there's miscarriages. Sometimes it's just the way the sperm and the egg meet, that one of them is. something that's kind of wrong and if the baby were to be born it wouldn't really survive so that they just it's like biological knowing it like let's just get that out before it's a full-size full-grown baby but also we don't know a lot about miscarriages so didn't have a lot of answers there And I also knew that she told me that I should at least wait one cycle to let my body kind of rebalance. So I did that. I waited one full cycle until the next time I had a period. And after you have a pregnancy, my period was not the normal 20 days. So it was, I couldn't really judge to when it was going to be. It was a little bit longer than that. ⁓ And I through one full cycle, one full period. then. The next time I was ovulating and was peeing on ovulation sticks to try to figure this out, I was like, I'm trying again. I'm doing it. Even though it was legit COVID shut down, shut everything down the week ahead of miscarriage. So that was mid-March. So then if you can, March to April, then April to May. So May or June, somewhere in there, is when I try to get. And I got pregnant. Pretty sure it was the first time. Yeah, it was the first time. and that baby stopped. I could connect with her from, I knew the moment that I had conceived with this one. I had done that with the second one too, but I knew the moment and I could, connect with her and I would be inside and kind of like meditating and see purple. I just kept seeing this like purple aura around my uterus area. I like, that's her, that's her. And I would connect with her and I'd send her energy and I could feel her energy. And then, I played with that for the full first trimester. And along with that, there was a part of me that was anxious AF. ⁓ my goodness, the amount of anxiety during that first pregnancy was insane. I'm going to talk a little bit more about that. on the next episode. So I got pregnant with her. She is my first. She was born in February of 2021. So she's now five. And that will happen. So I'll talk about her pregnancy and my potential pregnancy and birth or just my pregnancy. see how long I'm And so then I had that baby. OK, so we're fast forwarding through more. I'm just going to put all the miscarriages together. So then. I knew I wanted to have another kid and I knew that really early after having my first when she was like three, four months. knew that. But I knew I didn't want do it now. So when she was about a year and a half, I started getting this deep craving inside. like, I gotta have a baby. I so wanna have a baby. All I could think about was having another baby. Planning out like if I have her, I get pregnant here, she'll be born here, which means that it'll make them this far apart. Does that feel like the right age? All those questions in my head, all the time. And I... was aiming for like two-ish years, something like that. ⁓ I got really excited. ⁓ And what's going on? I had these two different parts. So I had this one part of me that has this like strategic mind this Here's one of the best time would be wait until this time and then dry. And then I had this other part of me that was like, who gives a crap about time? Who gives a crap about strategy? Just do it now! Do it now! Do it now! Kind of like that. was like, oh, let's go! I'm so excited! I want a baby! I had that part of me too. So those two were playing back and forth. And then at some point, I had the when I was going to try for the baby. ⁓ I'm trying to remember what month that was. I wanted her to be born, okay, this is the kind of I am. So I am a Virgo Sun with an Aquarius Moon and a Libra Rising. My daughter, first daughter, is an Aquarius Sun. Like that is so cool, she's my moon sign. I want my next one to be my rising sign. So I was trying to get her to be, her sun sign to be a Libra. So was like, okay, so if she needs to be born, let's aim like. October 1st, because then we're pretty sure she'll be born then. Like when do I need to get pregnant? like, okay, so then I need to get pregnant in like January, February, somewhere in there. Yeah, that's when you're supposed to get pregnant with Heidi. But little excited Heidi part that was like, I don't want to wait, I don't want to wait, I don't want to wait. was like, no, I don't want to wait. So we tried to get pregnant in like September, October, somewhere in there. So the baby would, if that baby had stuck, it would have been born in like June-ish. So that part one out, that little excited one, like, I don't, all logic was like, who fucking cares? Let that logic go. Follow your heart, follow your desire, follow your inner. This is what you most desirely want. And I was excited. So I reached out to Donovan again, same guy. And he was available. Yes, my kids are going to be full biological kids. That's so cool. And then he comes over. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I got pregnant. I like, that's cool. Huh. Thought that was going to take more work. and then right around I think nine weeks. I think it was earlier, I think was eight or seven weeks. don't fully remember. I had another miscarriage. And this miscarriage, it must have been earlier. It was earlier than nine weeks. It wasn't a super painful one. I didn't take meds. It just naturally happened. It didn't take me out for full, it must have been earlier. must have been like six or seven weeks maybe. But I take the tests that tell you really, really early if you're pregnant because I'm literally trying to track it. And I was... I actually took a test when my parents were there, I I'm so excited, let me go take a test. And it was positive. Went in the bathroom positive, I'm like, whoa, look at that, I'm pregnant. And then at some point I had a miscarriage. And this miscarriage, I remember sitting on the couch, my legs were crossed, and I was feeling inside of myself and I felt the grief that was there. And I saw my own grief and I held it and I allowed myself to cry. And I witnessed that part, that. that was holding all that grief, that felt all of that grief, almost like I was outside of myself looking at myself. And it felt so sacred and so beautiful and so raw. And I felt like I deeply, deeply grieved. And after that crying session, that deep witnessing, there was a weight that was lifted off of me and I free. Yeah, it's still a little sad, but also not devastated. And there's this real power in being able to hold and witness and allow the actual feeling of grief to flow through my body that I think made that process. move more quickly, but that wasn't the point. That point wasn't to make it go more quickly. just, I felt more aware and more present with what was really happening for me. And that was that miscarriage. And then of course I had to wait another cycle. And we tried again and I didn't get pregnant. And we waited until the next time I tried again. And we were hitting right around that like January-ish time when I was supposed to have a baby. It's that logical part of me. And I got pregnant. I was like, this is weird. And then I had this part of me that wondered, was I not supposed to try all those other times? Was that actually, was that like intuitive knowing? Is like this is when you should have tried to your baby? I felt too strategic though. So it didn't feel like intuitive knowing. It felt like I had planned and tried to make something happen. It was really interesting. But then I got pregnant then. And my baby's due date was September 24th. So had she made it to September 24th, she would have been a Libra, but it would have been right on the beginning of the Libra because it changes right around the 20th. She's like, this is so exciting. I so excited with that pregnancy that I was potentially gonna have a little Libra. Like I thought that was gonna happen. Did not. She came three weeks early, 37 weeks exactly. And she's a little Virgo. But she's lovely. And that's my, those are my stories. Those are my reflections on the miscarriages. And what I think is really interesting is how different each one was, ⁓ how deeply emotionally painful the first was, and physically, was physically painful too. Draining, exhausting, emotionally exhausting. was, it was all of it. The second one was physically painful and a little emotional. The third one was not physical, it was not physically painful, but it was deeply emotional, but deeply witnessed in its emotions. So was the deep feelings were very short lived. So they're all very different. So each miscarriage has its own flavor, its own uniqueness, its own way that it hits my own body and I'm the same person. So however, if you've had miscarriages, whatever they've been like, know that you're held and you're witnessed and you're seen. You're not alone. Many, many women have had miscarriages. It's more common than most of us know. So that's the ending of this one. Next time I'm going to talk about the pregnancy with my first. We'll see if we get to the or not Thank you for listening. I hope you got what you And may you be tender and kind to yourself. Today, Mama.