Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Survive a Boss Who Holds You to Unwritten Rules
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's a listener story that's been sitting with me. A woman at a mid-sized SaaS company, solid performer, good reviews for two years. Then a new boss comes in, and at her first annual review under him, he flags a 'team culture concern' — she's apparently not social enough during the off-site lunches, doesn't laugh at his jokes, doesn't stay late for the post-meeting beers. Luna: And none of that was in her job description, I'm guessing. Lucas: Not a word. Her offer letter, the company handbook, even the onboarding deck — zero mention of 'must be a fun hang at the company retreat.' But now it's on her performance record. And her rating drops from exceeds expectations to meets expectations, which costs her about eight thousand dollars in bonus. Luna: Eight grand because she didn't laugh at his jokes. That is infuriating, but also — it's a perfect case study for what we're talking about today, which is the boss who holds you to unwritten rules. Lucas: Right. And I think the first thing to say is: this is not about a boss who has high standards and communicates them clearly. This is about a boss who has expectations that exist only in his head, and then punishes you for failing to read his mind. Luna: So how do you even defend against something you didn't know existed? Lucas: The short answer is: you can't, retroactively. But you can build systems that force the unwritten into the written. The listener in this case — let's call her Sarah — she could have done something subtle but powerful after that review. She could have sent a follow-up email to her boss summarizing the feedback, including the culture point, and asked for examples of what 'good' looks like. Luna: Right, so you make him define it. Because if he can't, you've exposed that the rule doesn't actually exist. Lucas: Exactly. And if he does define it — say, 'I want you to initiate at least one non-work conversation per week with the team' — then it's no longer unwritten. It's a stated expectation, and you can either meet it or push back on whether it's fair. But either way, you've converted vague to specific. Luna: I love that. Let's talk about the pre-emptive version of this. Because Sarah's problem started when the new boss arrived. She didn't know his pet peeves or his cultural quirks. Is there a way to surface those early, before they bite you? Lucas: Yeah — there's a tactic I call the 'inventory meeting.' In your first one-on-one with a new boss, you say something like: 'I'd love to understand how you like to work. What's most important to you in a direct report? Are there any things that really bother you that I should avoid?' It's disarmingly direct, but most bosses will give you something real. Luna: And if they say 'nothing' or 'just do good work,' that's a red flag in itself. Lucas: Massive red flag. Because it usually means either they haven't thought about it, which is its own problem, or they have unwritten rules they're not ready to admit. In either case, you now know the terrain is mined. Luna: So let's talk about the third tactic, which I think is the hardest — when the unwritten rule is actually a power play. Not a communication gap, but a deliberate move to keep you off balance. Lucas: Yeah, and this is where you have to distinguish between a boss who's just sloppy and a boss who's playing games. The power-play version looks like: you do exactly what was asked, and then the boss says 'well, I expected you to do it differently.' And when you ask for clarification, they get vague or defensive. That's not a misunderstanding — that's a control tactic. Luna: And the response there is different. You can't just write a clarifying email, because the boss will ignore it or reinterpret it. What do you do? Lucas: You need a witness. Or a paper trail that's not just between you and the boss. For example, you start copying a neutral third party — a senior HR person, or a trusted peer — on your task summaries. 'Per our conversation, I'm working on X with deadline Y and scope Z.' Suddenly the boss can't rewrite history as easily. Luna: That's smart. And uncomfortable, but smart. It shifts the power dynamic. Lucas: It does. And look, this entire topic — unwritten rules — it's one of those things where the best defense is structural. You want to create so many written touchpoints that the unwritten has no room to live. Luna: You know, before we go deeper into the structural stuff — I want to say something. This podcast, and the whole Fexingo network, it's ad-free because of listeners who chip in a couple dollars a month. If this episode has helped you think through a boss situation, or given you a phrase you can actually use in a meeting, that's exactly what keeps us going. It's at buymeacoffee.com/fexingo. Even five bucks makes a real difference for a show like this. Lucas: Yeah, absolutely. And it's genuinely a small amount that adds up. So thank you to anyone who's already supporting. Now — let's get back to the structural stuff, because there's a really interesting angle around how unwritten rules thrive in certain organizational cultures. Luna: Right. So what kind of culture is most fertile for unwritten rules? Lucas: Companies with low documentation and high 'culture fit' rhetoric. Think startups that pride themselves on 'no process' — that's a breeding ground. Because when nothing is written down, everything is implicit. And implicit rules are always enforced unevenly. Luna: They're enforced based on who the boss likes. Lucas: Exactly. So the boss's favorite gets away with skipping the social events, but the quiet person gets dinged for it. The unwritten rule isn't really about the behavior — it's about signaling who's in and who's out. Luna: That's a really important distinction. So if you're getting hit with an unwritten rule, ask yourself: is this rule applied to everyone, or just me? If it's just you, you're dealing with something else — maybe bias, maybe a personal vendetta. Lucas: And then the tactic shifts again. Now you're not trying to clarify the rule — you're building a case for inequitable treatment. You document who else does the same thing without consequence. You bring patterns, not incidents. Luna: Let's go back to Sarah for a second. She got the bad review, she sent the follow-up email asking for examples, and the boss — what did he do? Lucas: He actually gave examples. He said 'at the Q3 off-site, you sat with the same two people the whole time, and you left right after the dinner ended.' So now it's concrete. And Sarah can either say 'okay, I'll work on that' or she can push back: 'I sat with the same people because we were discussing the project roadmap, and I left because I had a family commitment.' The important thing is, now it's a conversation about specific behaviors, not a vague character critique. Luna: And she can also ask: is this expectation in the company's performance criteria? Is 'socializing at off-sites' a factor in anyone else's review? Because if it's not, she has grounds to challenge. Lucas: She does. And that's the other side of this — sometimes the unwritten rule is just a boss's personal preference that they've elevated to a performance criterion without anyone's consent. And you have every right to say 'I didn't sign up for that.' Luna: But saying that can be risky. Lucas: It can be. So you have to gauge your leverage. If you're a high performer in a tight labor market, you have more room. If you're early in your career or in a company with lots of replacements waiting, you might choose to play along — but at least you know it's a choice, not a failure. Luna: I think the most exhausting thing about unwritten rules is that they force you to constantly monitor for signals that aren't there. It's a cognitive tax. Lucas: It's a huge cognitive tax. And it's one reason why companies with clear, written expectations have lower turnover. Employees don't have to waste energy trying to read minds. They can just do the work. Luna: So if you're a manager listening — or if you ever become a manager — the takeaway is: write it down. If it matters enough to affect someone's bonus, it matters enough to put in a document. Lucas: That's the whole episode in one sentence. If it affects compensation, it must be written. Unwritten rules are for social clubs, not performance reviews. Luna: And for the rest of us — the Sarahs of the world — the playbook is: ask early, ask often, and force the unwritten into the written. It's not confrontational. It's professional. Lucas: You know, I want to leave listeners with one specific line they can use next time they sense an unwritten rule looming. When your boss gives you feedback that feels new and vague, say: 'I want to make sure I fully understand this expectation so I can meet it consistently. Could you help me understand what success looks like here?' That's all. It's not defensive, it's not accusing. It's just asking for clarity. Luna: And if the boss can't or won't answer, you've learned something valuable too. Lucas: Exactly. You've learned that the rule isn't really about performance — it's about something else. And that's information you can act on. Luna: Good place to land. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. See you next time.