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Why Parenting Gets Easier After the Third Kid - EP027 · Freedom Flip

0:00
Both the mom and dad robbed themselves of the fun by not having enough kids.
0:04
Got a boy, got a girl, I'm done.
0:05
By third and fourth, you're like, wow, this is so cool.
0:08
Your first kid, there's no space between what's happening and how you're responding.
0:11
By the third and fourth, there's just this expansive space to be like in the moment.
0:15
Wow, this is so cool.
0:17
I sold my business.
0:18
That was the most poor I ever felt because there wasn't money and growth coming into my account.
0:22
Now I've got this chunk of money and I'm just slowly eating it away.
0:26
I felt so poor, so worried about money and spending.
0:29
So it doesn't matter.
0:30
The numbers of one zero, one more zero.
0:32
It's two to three times the wealth.
0:33
So basically, yes.
0:34
We just have a virus.
0:35
Somehow this virus is in our brain.
0:37
It says more money.
0:38
And that's really what you would call an arrival fallacy.
0:40
When I arrive here, I'll be relaxed.
0:42
Well, that's a fallacy.
0:43
Peter, when you're my age, all you will care about are your kids and grandkids.
0:46
And you want as many as you possibly can.
0:49
You do not care about the bank account.
0:50
You know you're going to die, regardless of where you are financially.
0:53
You just want to spend time.
0:56
What is a relationship, right?
0:57
So me and a wife, a girlfriend, anything.
1:00
It's a crazy surveillance program.
1:02
They're watching me every minute of every day.
1:04
They're watching all the weird stuff I do.
1:06
They watch me with other people.
1:07
So they find out the buttons immediately.
1:09
Kids, it's that times two or 10 because they know they're dependent on me.
1:15
So they're really attuned to looking for all the buttons, right?
1:19
And I think while we, prior to having kids, we all think our spouse is the worst.
1:23
The moment you have kids, you're like,
1:25
Oh my gosh, these kids find all of my buttons.
1:30
Like we all think like, I'm thinking of, you know, a couple of wives I know and husbands are like, he did it again.
1:37
And it's like, well, of course he did.
1:38
You gave him the nuclear power, right?
1:41
You gave him the button.
1:42
And I think if you invert that and flip it, that's the fun part of parenting of being like, why is this pissing me off?
1:48
Like, why is it getting me so angry?
1:50
And yeah, we still should do it with our spouse, our partner, our girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever.
1:54
Still 100%.
1:55
I just think it amplifies it with kids because they know the food, right?
2:01
Their food gets cut off in our hardware, right?
2:06
Our lizard brain.
2:07
Food gets cut off if I'm not in a relationship with this parent.
2:11
Right?
2:11
Like that's deep.
2:13
My girlfriend or my wife, that's not the case.
2:16
Like they don't, they can go make their own food.
2:18
Why are they pressing the buttons to you, which is the person that can cut the supply?
2:22
Because you want to know what would cut the supply for your food, for your safety, for your water.
2:28
What is the reason of they needing to know?
2:30
Because we want to know where the boundaries are.
2:32
So because then we can feel safe.
2:34
And if we don't know where the boundaries are, we don't feel safe.
2:37
This is the way I see it is they're testing it to figure out
2:40
Like think of it this way.
2:41
And you've been around families like this.
2:43
When you have the, I told you twice, like I'll count to 10.
2:46
This is how big the boundary is to feel safe.
2:49
You do not step out of this boundary.
2:50
And as this expands, they're figuring out, where does it end?
2:54
One that makes people, it makes me laugh so hard, but it makes people cry.
2:57
Five-year-old looks at me and goes, I don't love you, Dada.
3:00
It's like, okay, I love you.
3:02
I don't love you.
3:03
Very stern, very serious.
3:04
Okay, I love you.
3:05
I'll always love you.
3:06
I love you, Dada.
3:07
And so now it went from here to here, right?
3:10
Or to hear.
3:11
And he's realizing, you know, I'm obsessed with the kind of triangle of interdependence.
3:15
The base is unconditional love, right?
3:17
He's wondering, is a comment the button?
3:19
You know, let's say I'm a reactive dad or mom.
3:21
I don't love you.
3:21
What?
3:22
What?
3:22
I do so much for you.
3:23
Like, oh, okay.
3:25
It shrinks.
3:25
Safety circle has shrunk.
3:27
Like now I know the boundary.
3:28
It's right there.
3:29
Let me ask you now, why do women test men?
3:33
I think it's a lesser extent of the same thing.
3:36
They're not worried about food and water.
3:38
I mean, maybe there's a little bit of lizard brain.
3:40
They still are like there's a man, woman, male's provider, woman's the heart and soul of the home, right?
3:45
Like creating the home, creating the child, right?
3:48
Doing things that we could never do.
3:50
I think it's a little bit of the same.
3:51
Like where do I lose Peter?
3:53
Where does he walk away from me?
3:54
I can't believe you did that.
3:56
I'm leaving for today.
3:57
Okay.
3:57
The safety boundary gets tighter, right?
3:59
Like the circle of comfort, right?
4:02
It's getting tighter.
4:03
Like I know that's, I can't go there.
4:05
But what is the point of knowing that?
4:07
For me,
4:08
For the kids or for the wife in this case?
4:11
I'm not a psychologist.
4:12
My own experience in relationships with kids, partner, et cetera, is they want to know that because when they figure out where that is, then they can play within their circle and feel safe, right, or feel comfortable.
4:25
And if it's broader, okay, they have more creativity, they have more knowledge, they have more space to explore.
4:30
There's a really good quote says, a relationship is only as deep as you can be honest, right?
4:35
So the depth, we're very deep, because I'm gonna be honest, like you've asked me direct and deep questions, I've asked you to answer and what I believe and what feels honest.
4:43
So our relationship is deeper and deeper and deeper.
4:45
When you go meet with someone that's just money, money, money, you're like, well, why are you making money?
4:51
and you hear like BS, right?
4:53
Okay, it's just the relationship's not as deep.
4:55
I think it's the same with a wife, a girlfriend, a kid.
4:58
When they start feeling that's not honest or you've gotten in this place of discomfort, they can't go there.
5:04
That area is not allowed.
5:05
So now it restricts the depth of the relationship and it restricts, it makes them have to sit inside this circle or this box that might get tighter or larger based on how, and you feel it, right?
5:14
When someone's really done work on themselves, you feel more relaxed, right?
5:17
I think about these Buddhist monks
5:19
you can sit with them, then nothing's going to like, I mean, even there's a quote about Buddha, right?
5:23
This murderer is walking down the road, approaches him.
5:26
And Buddha says, I know you're here to kill me.
5:28
It's okay.
5:28
Before you do that, rip off that branch.
5:31
And he rips off the branch and he goes, now reattach it.
5:33
And the guy is trying to, and it all clicked.
5:35
And the guy went and became a Buddhist monk and, you know, had killed thousands of people.
5:39
It's like when you meet people deeply comfortable with themselves in all these situations that don't have to force the change or discomfort or...
5:47
I mean, think of how broad that circle or that box is.
5:51
It's expansive.
5:52
And then we get to kind of relax.
5:54
And I think that relax of tension allows us to work through our own buttons and issues and challenges.
6:00
But when we're tense, when it's a tighter, confined area, right?
6:04
We're bumping up against walls, everything I say, right?
6:07
Like the circles like get so tight.
6:08
It's like...
6:10
as a kid or a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, any of it.
6:13
The theory that I heard that to me makes a lot of sense, this is not about kids, but I want to share with you and then see if you can connect this and if it makes sense because I'm not fully understanding your theory.
6:25
Yeah.
6:25
So the reason why women test men that are in a partnership relationship, in a loving relationship, and even friends, but let's just talk with the husband and wife.
6:36
The reason why wives test husbands
6:39
Even after being married, even after having kids, they will test men and they will keep testing men.
6:44
It's because they want to make sure that you are emotionally and mentally stable to handle anything that will come to attack us.
6:55
And therefore, you are going to be stable to be the protector of the family.
6:59
And therefore, she can trust you.
7:01
And what happens when the men, and we all do, we failed a test, what happens?
7:08
They come back with more and more.
7:10
And they keep checking.
7:11
That's what women do with men.
7:13
That's a theory that I heard and to me makes a lot of sense.
7:17
And...
7:18
They test to make sure that we are emotionally stable to handle difficult situations.
7:25
And if my wife saying something silly flips me out, then just imagine what's gonna happen when someone tries to rob us or attack us
7:35
Or she's delivering a baby.
7:36
Yeah, or the baby is going crazy or anything.
7:39
The problem is when we fail the test, because whatever, right?
7:42
Our defenses were lower.
7:43
We were stressed.
7:44
We just full day of work, anything.
7:47
Then all of a sudden, oh, we failed the test.
7:49
We're like, oh, my gosh, I don't know what's going on with her.
7:51
Typical thing that you heard a million times.
7:52
We're like, oh, maybe it's her period.
7:54
And we start with all these reactions.
7:56
And what happens is she's going to test again.
7:58
And then she's going to test again.
8:00
And then her level of confidence in us being able to provide that safety goes down.
8:06
And the tests keep increasing.
8:08
And that's when the masculinity of the woman goes up, the masculinity of the man goes down.
8:13
Think about why that is.
8:14
Because now they're in control.
8:16
And same with a kid.
8:17
But are they?
8:18
I believe so.
8:18
I think it's the same way a little dog is, right?
8:20
They know.
8:21
Look at my daughter.
8:22
She knows now when she touched the mic, you saw her light up and she started going, like, that was, oh, I'm in control.
8:28
Okay.
8:29
Now you guys are my little, you're my little toys, my minions.
8:33
Oh, dance.
8:34
Boop.
8:34
Okay, dance.
8:35
Do your little, your crazy dance.
8:37
Do your yelling, screaming dance.
8:39
Yes, but what is the reason, if it's a fun thing, that makes sense.
8:43
And with kids, I think that that makes sense.
8:45
Why would you do that if that's gonna get your dad to hit you or to shout at you?
8:51
Like it happens, I guess, almost everywhere.
8:54
You mean, why does the kid keep doing it?
8:56
Yeah.
8:57
If you're going to get punished.
8:58
Yeah.
8:58
I don't have an answer for that.
9:00
Like I can't even guess.
9:01
I think it's a, it's uncomfortable for everyone, but I think it is.
9:04
My guess is it makes the kid feel powerful.
9:08
And if you read the book, I really liked that, uh, Raising Lions, the kids are transitioning from, they think they are us.
9:15
So think of bubble.
9:16
They think they're in that bubble.
9:17
Like they're still in the mom's womb.
9:18
They're part of us.
9:19
somewhere between two, one and a half and three, they realize, wait a minute, I'm a separate bubble.
9:26
And when you have something like that, right, they think they're this bubble, that they're God and we're this little bubble.
9:33
And the whole goal in that transition from like two to three to four to five, some people truly never transition, right?
9:39
And only child oftentimes in this case, right?
9:41
They think they're this bubble and everyone else is this tiny one.
9:44
Our job as a parent is to slowly close in and make sure that bubble becomes the same size as others, right?
9:52
So they're not, they're just an interdependent piece interwoven in this world and society.
9:56
They're not this big one.
9:58
And I think when they press the button,
10:00
and we dance, it feeds that big bubble, right?
10:05
And ideally they go from, they're inside our little bubble, they're part of us, they think they're God for a moment, and then as quickly as possible, we're helping guide them to be just a part in a little bubble, right?
10:17
Like their true bubble.
10:18
And I think it feeds that part of thinking they're in control.
10:22
Think of the little dogs, right?
10:23
I love the comparison of dogs.
10:24
I love, because it's less emotional.
10:26
When you see the little dog that's like,
10:29
That owner has decided to allow that dog to believe they're in control and they're God.
10:35
Their job is to protect.
10:36
Their job is to do everything around the house.
10:38
And they're wearing this heavy load, right, that stresses them out, makes them paranoid, right?
10:44
Until however we can take that dog and let it know it's safe, right?
10:49
How does the dog know it's safe?
10:50
Things like us not reacting.
10:52
than not having a button to control us, then their bubble shrinks.
10:55
Does that make sense?
10:56
Yeah.
10:57
Switching topics.
10:58
You just had a kid.
10:59
You just had your fourth kid.
11:01
You are 36 years old.
11:03
You have four kids now.
11:04
And there is a gap of five or six years between the eldest and your new baby girl.
11:12
Yeah, five to zero.
11:14
Five to zero.
11:15
So...
11:16
What are the things that you are doing different with your new, how do you call this?
11:22
New baby born, newborn, newborn baby in comparison with your first kid?
11:27
I think the first kid is just pure adrenaline.
11:30
It's pure like this thing relies on me and it might die.
11:34
that my whole world would chatter.
11:35
And there's a disproportionate belief that it's going to die.
11:38
So that puts this tension on everyone.
11:41
And I think one of the father's most important things is just to keep repeating, look, in the US, it's only whatever, a couple hundred kids that die after six months, after nine months.
11:51
And it's just creating that grounding force so the mother doesn't feel like the kid's gonna die.
11:57
That to me is number one.
11:59
So that's number one.
12:00
When you fast forward to four, you just, that doesn't really exist in the mom.
12:03
So they get to enjoy it.
12:05
I don't think any part of having kids, moms enjoy until probably the third.
12:10
Like that's my own observation on most families.
12:12
Because the number one, it's just pure adrenaline.
12:15
This thing's going to die and it's going to be my fault.
12:17
My world will shatter.
12:18
Number two, it's holy cow.
12:20
Like none of us can take a break.
12:22
Like you need to be on that one and I'm on that one, right?
12:25
One to one, man to man.
12:26
Everybody says man to man combat.
12:27
That doesn't work.
12:29
We have to take breaks.
12:30
And especially in this new way of parenting where it's only two parents in a lot of Europe and America and a lot of the Western world.
12:37
It doesn't work.
12:37
It can't work out.
12:38
You can't do work.
12:39
You can't see your friends, right?
12:41
Because you don't integrate family into life.
12:43
And I think with three, it breaks.
12:45
And then four, it's like, oh, that was so funny when we were so... Last night, she goes, man, do you remember what it was like with the first kid?
12:52
And I was like, yeah.
12:52
She's like, I can't even remember.
12:54
She's showing a picture of just the three of us.
12:55
She's like, it's so simple.
12:57
It's so easy.
12:57
And I was like, no, it's all our software.
13:00
Sorry, what was so simple?
13:01
She looked at a picture that was just me, her, and one little boy that's a month old.
13:05
She's like...
13:06
It's the easiest thing in the world.
13:07
That was so simple.
13:08
Now, in retrospect, it's simple.
13:10
In the moment, it's the most stressful, worrisome, fearful thing ever.
13:15
So you gave me the answer, but maybe from the perspective of your wife.
13:18
So I want to know in your specific shoes, what are the differences that you feel right now with your fourth versus with the first one?
13:29
It's so much more fun.
13:31
So much more fun.
13:32
And I think both the mom and dad robbed themselves of the fun by not having enough kids.
13:37
We fall into this trap, we don't flip it.
13:38
We stop at two.
13:39
I got a boy, I got a girl, I'm done.
13:41
By third and fourth, you're like, wow, this is so cool.
13:44
It's kind of like after people meditate, right?
13:46
The more you meditate, you get space between the stimulus and the response.
13:50
Your first kid, there's no space between what's happening and how you're responding.
13:54
By the third and fourth, there's just this expansive space to be like in the moment.
13:59
Like, wow, this is so cool.
14:01
Everything, the birth, the holding it,
14:04
The anything feeding it, it's all just like there's this space for you to really sit in it, enjoy it and appreciate it.
14:11
So I have no kids yet.
14:13
So for me, it's difficult from a mathematical point of view, it's difficult to comprehend that with three, it's easier than two.
14:20
So how can you explain that to the normal, normal parent, normal man, normal woman?
14:24
Yeah, the only way I can explain is one is adrenaline.
14:27
your entire software is overwhelmed with adrenaline.
14:29
Like this thing's going to die.
14:31
Two is you're trying to run the same playbook you did with one and it's breaking.
14:35
Three, you break.
14:36
Like I had this girl, this friend of ours.
14:38
So she has one kid.
14:40
She's like, we want two.
14:42
My husband can't have any more.
14:43
I go, why?
14:44
It would break him.
14:45
And I go, yeah, that's what you need.
14:47
Because when he breaks, he's reborn.
14:49
And three breaks people.
14:51
Define breaking.
14:52
Breaking is your software system doesn't function.
14:55
It's, it's four, it's the 404.
14:57
It's wait a minute.
14:59
The mom takes care of the newborn.
15:01
I take care of the two year old.
15:02
I can't do, I can't do taking care of the one year old and the three year old.
15:06
I can't, I can't have both of those.
15:08
And the mom has the newborn.
15:09
That's not possible.
15:10
It breaks what you believe as possible.
15:12
So then you rebuild a better system of how to operate.
15:15
Okay.
15:16
So what is that better system?
15:17
The better system is realizing these kids are already have so much of the knowledge internally.
15:22
Like they're going to survive on a core level.
15:25
It's just survival.
15:26
You realize they're going to survive.
15:27
You just want like there's have you have you seen the joke?
15:29
The comedian that's so funny.
15:30
He says, we don't hang out with anyone except three and more kids.
15:34
We won't hang out with any families.
15:35
Oh, you haven't seen this.
15:36
Oh, quick summary is he says, when there's one kid, they're just too stressed, right?
15:41
He goes, two kids, there's a lot.
15:43
There's just this, there's a lot going on and they're feeling way more stressful, way more stressful because two, there's no breaks.
15:50
With one, people are like, oh, I get a break, then you get a break.
15:53
And it's very fun.
15:54
It's like, there is a false belief that eyes need to be on this kid every hour of every day.
15:59
Which is like, dude, the third and fourth kid, you forget about it.
16:02
I'm being serious.
16:03
You put them in a safe place so their older siblings can't kill them.
16:06
And you forget about them, right?
16:07
There's a story.
16:08
I was at your house and the new baby was not born yet.
16:12
And your wife was pregnant.
16:13
And we are all hanging out inside of your house in the living room.
16:17
that is attached to the kitchen and you have a garden, right?
16:20
And the smaller one, she was outside and she's two years old, maybe.
16:26
I think she's two.
16:28
So we are all inside and we're like, oh, someone says, oh, I think that was your wife.
16:32
So like, oh, we need to get the little one.
16:34
she's outside in the garden, right?
16:36
And we were like, oh, okay, yeah.
16:37
And she was just behind the couch.
16:39
Like, nobody noticed.
16:41
Nobody paid attention.
16:42
And we started all laughing, like, yeah.
16:45
Oh, remember, because she said something.
16:47
She goes, I'm here, or something like that.
16:49
Yes, and...
16:50
And I think that showed, and it may sound for people that don't know you or don't understand your setup or didn't have the experience that I had by staying at your house that you just don't care and you don't give a f*** and you're not paying attention to your kids.
17:04
But I describe your setup as a very organized chaos because it's a normal thing, right?
17:11
It's chaotic.
17:12
It's not adult life and just two adults doing their thing.
17:16
Of course, you have kids and they're doing their life and...
17:19
And there's so much freedom, so they are not really doing, they're not like stuck in whatever thing now the parents put them to be doing.
17:26
And the chaos is creativity.
17:28
That's where creativity is born, in the chaos, right?
17:32
The militant structure, right?
17:34
You don't have creativity, right?
17:36
You got to stay in the tight band, right?
17:38
You got to stay in this tight circle of comfort.
17:40
Just for my daughter, if she were outside, it's fenced in, right?
17:44
Right.
17:44
Now, we know she can't get out of there, so she has her really brought to her.
17:49
It's a huge world of comfort within that fence.
17:52
And a lot of these parents still need to be watching.
17:54
Kids don't want Big Brother.
17:56
They don't want to be watched.
17:57
They want to make a mistake.
17:58
They want to poke themselves and say, oh, I shouldn't poke myself anymore.
18:00
They want to learn through these.
18:02
And I really like the Jonathan Haidt book, Anxious Generation.
18:05
Yeah.
18:05
His key phrase for people that broke my brain was, we overprotect in the real world, underprotect in the digital world, right?
18:13
So we're way too on top of kids in the backyard.
18:15
Like, let them, there's a fence.
18:17
They can't get out.
18:18
You know, let them make mistakes.
18:20
Let them get a little scratch.
18:21
Let them go.
18:22
Don't watch them.
18:23
Give them that freedom, that confidence builder.
18:25
It's online where we're like, here, take my phone.
18:27
And we don't look.
18:28
Not good, right?
18:30
There is a world of bad things.
18:31
Why is that happening?
18:32
Why parents do that or make that mistake?
18:35
They're tired.
18:36
I mean, my honest thought is they're just like worn out and they're like, take the dopamine hit because then you won't be bugging me.
18:41
You won't be pressing my buttons.
18:42
Because that is 10 years, 10 years after they were born, right?
18:45
So they've been, you're saying they've been doing this military indoctrination or surveillance and after 10 years, like, you know, I've just...
18:54
Although it could be at four.
18:55
I mean, truly.
18:56
Truly.
18:57
I mean this sincerely.
18:58
Or three, my son is really good with phones.
19:01
He's getting better than me and he's five years old.
19:03
That's not very difficult, to be honest.
19:05
You're right.
19:06
By intention.
19:07
I don't want the phone.
19:08
But I know it's here.
19:10
When I walked out, he had it and he had a game.
19:13
Now, I like him having the phone to call people because I want to teach this independence.
19:18
So he'll call.
19:19
Four years old, he's calling and he's arranging dates where his cousin would come and get dropped off.
19:23
Or he'd get his grandma to come over.
19:25
Right.
19:25
I love that.
19:26
Right.
19:27
To me, that's cold calling.
19:28
That's calling what you want and getting what you want.
19:30
But I don't want him on game.
19:32
I don't want him on video games or bad websites or this other stuff.
19:36
To me, that's the fence.
19:37
Right.
19:38
Outdoors, I have the physical fence.
19:40
I need a tight fence.
19:41
Right.
19:42
Which is I don't really trust them with phones.
19:44
That's I trust them with almost anything.
19:46
I would trust them with weapons, not weapons, but equipment.
19:48
things that could hurt them, right?
19:49
Somebody like we're with a butter knife.
19:52
Like I'll let him play with that at four, knowing that at worst we're gonna have a cut, but at most he's gonna understand the confidence.
19:58
Even down by the street, a lot of people are like, okay, well, how do you push these to extremes?
20:02
You know, what about them going in the street?
20:04
We talk about the street.
20:05
We talk about the consequence of getting hit by a car and how you're dying or you're going to a hospital and you're maimed.
20:10
We go look at a squirrel that's been squashed on the street and we say, what would happen to that squirrel?
20:15
They go, he didn't look both ways.
20:16
Yeah.
20:18
And he's, you know, he's dead.
20:19
So it's creating, letting them understand these boundaries and making them broad enough that they can be creative in that chaos and make their own mistakes.
20:26
Then they learn for life.
20:28
And that's where you see these kids that really compound growth and learning.
20:31
Parents, you are saying, okay, having two kids is the peak of stress and having three, it forces you to change the software.
20:42
You have to change the way that you are doing things because there is no alternative.
20:47
Anything that forces exponential growth, you break the former system.
20:52
Zero to one exponential, right?
20:54
You went from I can do whatever I want with my girlfriend, my wife, whatever, to suddenly 100% growth of kids.
20:59
Holy cow, I'm a slave because my software says this kid needs to be watched every minute, every day.
21:04
Okay, so suddenly you're a slave.
21:06
Step two, you have two kids.
21:09
Okay, not all, we as a couple were a slave.
21:12
With one kid, we as a couple are a slave.
21:14
Someone has to be the slave to the kid every minute.
21:16
Step two, we split.
21:18
Each of us as individuals is now a slave to a kid.
21:22
We can switch which kid, right?
21:24
Step three, three kids, right?
21:26
Exponential growth, enough increase of 50%.
21:28
This isn't possible.
21:29
Brain breaks.
21:30
We can't both be slaves to three kids.
21:32
That breaks us, right?
21:34
Which then second mountain, new software system.
21:37
Well, how are we going to operate in this new norm of three?
21:39
Oh, wait, Billy's fine after a day.
21:42
I barely watched him.
21:43
Oh, he's fine.
21:45
Oh, we were doing it in a stressful way.
21:47
We don't have to.
21:48
That's what changes, right?
21:50
And then four, that just compounds.
21:52
Would it be correct to say that now the more kids you have, the more you focus on the really important things and you stop focusing and wasting your time in that really didn't matter that you thought that matter, but it didn't really.
22:08
It's the quote our friend told us.
22:10
You know, he said, nothing really matters unless it matters.
22:13
And then it's like the only thing that matters.
22:15
And when it matters, it really matters.
22:16
Yeah.
22:16
When it matters, it really matters.
22:17
Like, totally true.
22:19
You know, it's spot on.
22:20
And I think we get so lost in all these things that do not matter with parenting.
22:24
You know, one, you laughed at with me.
22:26
I do not care if the kids are dirty, ever.
22:28
I do not care, right?
22:29
I can vouch for that.
22:30
Yes, that's 100% true.
22:32
Why would that be a higher priority, right?
22:35
So here's an interesting thing that's not traditional with babysitters or nannies.
22:38
I look at my babysitters and nannies, I say, you have one job.
22:41
Do you know this, Pablo?
22:42
You have one job.
22:43
The kid should not die while you're here.
22:44
And they're like shaking.
22:45
They're like, what?
22:46
Like even talking about it, right?
22:48
It's the opposite of what everyone else wants to talk about.
22:50
I'm like, your job is not.
22:52
And I'm like, do you know the top five ways a kid dies?
22:54
They're like, no.
22:55
And then we go through it, right?
22:56
We talk about, all right, pool, number one.
22:58
Under five years old, United States, pool is number one when you die, right?
23:01
So, okay, we'll think about bath might be drowning, a fall, you know, medicine, basically, something poisonous.
23:07
You can go through the three, four things and you say, this is where I want 80% of your headspace on, those things.
23:13
I don't care if they're dirty.
23:14
I don't care if they get a cut.
23:15
I don't care if they stub their toe and are crying.
23:18
I don't care about that.
23:19
I love them and I don't care about those things happening because I care so much about the other things not happening.
23:26
And our simple brains can only handle so many computations.
23:29
I don't want to overwhelm them.
23:30
And I think as a father saying that to a mother, to a wife, a girlfriend, or a babysitter, it actually gives them a way broader space of comfort to be creative about what they're doing and how they're doing it.
23:39
But you leave zero tolerance on the things that cause death.
23:45
Like zero, like these are how you will lose your job.
23:47
These are how you will not be invited back because this will change their life.
23:50
And it's a, it's a one-way door, not a two-way door, a two-way door that you can always come back.
23:55
The one-way door is they have, they have this damage or they're dead.
23:58
I lost my child.
23:59
Now, some people may say, well, you can afford to have a nanny.
24:05
I can't.
24:06
Therefore, I'm just going to, I don't want to have only one kid because I don't want a single only child.
24:12
And that has, in many cases, not always, but many cases has certain types of behaviors that we may not like, especially if we grew up with siblings.
24:20
But that's it.
24:21
Two is maximum, you know?
24:23
So how would you, I mean, I don't want to sell it, but kind of, how would you sell this to someone that kind of really afford a life of nannies and so on to have, dude, have more kids?
24:35
Yeah, I think the only way to sell it is why do they have kids in the first place, right?
24:40
It's like there's this breakthrough of...
24:42
Your whole world changes when a kid comes out.
24:45
Granted, you're stressed, but it's just your whole perspective.
24:48
It's actually a huge relief because when you have kids, no longer are you the sun with everything circling it.
24:54
Now you're circling this child.
24:57
The center of the solar system is now the kid.
25:00
The same thing happens when you have your third kid.
25:03
You stop thinking that that one kid is in the center of the two.
25:07
And now you realize like they can all circle on their... All right, but that's very hippie woo-woo.
25:12
Okay, just go more tangible.
25:15
I don't have enough money, dude.
25:17
It's easier.
25:17
The older kids help raise them.
25:19
Three is a magical number where they're not fighting each other.
25:22
They're playing.
25:24
So if we're only brothers, you and me are brothers, we're going to be like, oh, here's Pablo's button.
25:28
And you're going to be like, here's Peter's button.
25:29
We go back and forth, button, button, button, button.
25:32
When you get the third one in, instead of doing the button, they're like, all right, I'm done playing with Pablo.
25:36
I'm going to go play with my sister.
25:38
Sarah, because he's pressing my buttons.
25:40
I don't want to deal with him.
25:41
Solved, right?
25:42
You have fewer fights, you have fewer problems.
25:44
The four-year-old, especially these girls, here's a crazy fact.
25:47
Who raised the kids the largest percent of time in cultures, the kids being six and under, in cultures that are five, 10,000 years old?
25:54
Who spent the largest portion of time raising them, taking care of them?
25:57
The older sister?
25:59
Correct.
25:59
Six to 12 year old girls, 27 to 28% of the time.
26:03
Way more than parents.
26:04
25% were the top 10 closest family adults or family member adults, not parents.
26:10
The mom was 20% of the time.
26:11
You reframe it as like, that's how we're supposed to raise families.
26:15
And having these things happen forces some of that.
26:17
So you can't afford a nanny.
26:19
If you couldn't afford a nanny, I would say you become really close friends with your neighbors, right?
26:23
And you share with them.
26:24
You do more communal with them.
26:26
I lived with my grandma my entire 20s.
26:28
You know, I would go move in with my grandma, my aunt, my uncle, whomever that doesn't have kids that lost their husband that whatever, or that the friendly old lady down the street and people laugh at me, but I'm a hundred percent.
26:39
I've lived with my grandparents for my twenties.
26:41
I would say, Hey, can we live with you?
26:42
We'll pay you some rent.
26:43
I would create the communal environment and whatever I weigh in, whatever means I have.
26:47
And I think we don't use our creativity, come up with that, or we create artificial constraints.
26:51
Oh, I can't do that.
26:52
We can't live there.
26:54
That would be embarrassing.
26:55
Those things are what force people into prison because now they're in an unideal situation to raise.
27:00
Whether you have two or three kids, it is a lot of work.
27:03
I would argue it's less work at three because the kids are fighting less because they take care of each other because they have more fun because there's an older one to take care of the youngest one.
27:10
All of these things get easier.
27:12
That's the shift.
27:13
And why do you think that, let's say, people that have a good job, they're not rich, but people that have a good job, have a good income, I don't know what that's called, middle class, middle upper class, whatever you want to call it, they tend to stop at two and they bring the money thing as an excuse.
27:31
But then you have in multiple countries, including, I guess, the USA, people that have little to nothing, they have tons of kids.
27:40
I mean, let's just go back to our great grandparents, right?
27:43
That maybe grew up in the war and they have 10 kids.
27:46
But why?
27:48
Why do you think?
27:49
I think two things to answer your question in a deeper way is assume I'm full of it, right?
27:53
Like just ignore everything I said.
27:55
Go talk to the people who have three or more kids and ask them.
27:59
Anyone.
28:00
Go say, hey, you have three kids.
28:01
You have four kids.
28:02
How many should I have?
28:02
Should I stop at two?
28:04
When they're three and above, they say, have as many as you can.
28:06
It's amazing, right?
28:07
Because they broke through that wall, right?
28:09
Now, I can view it as, no, they're biased because they always were going to have more kids.
28:13
No, a lot of them were like, yeah, we're going to only have two, then we got pregnant.
28:16
We got three.
28:17
They broke through the wall.
28:18
If you ask people two or fewer how many they should have, guess what they're going to say?
28:21
Zero, one, two.
28:23
like tops.
28:24
So I think that's one.
28:25
Those are one, check the receipts, as you say.
28:27
And I love hearing you say, Pablo.
28:29
The second one is go talk to people who are in 80s and 90s and ask them.
28:32
And that really hit me.
28:34
A guy, I don't know if you met, he's in his 70s and he had two kids and they were really distant ages, like 15 years between each other.
28:41
And he looked at me dead seriously.
28:43
He goes, Peter, when you're my age, all you will care about are your kids and grandkids.
28:46
And you want as many as you possibly can.
28:49
You do not care about the bank account.
28:51
You know you're going to die regardless of where you are financially.
28:54
Just want to spend time.
28:55
And the studies support that.
28:56
Grandparents who spend time with their kids live longer or healthier, right?
28:59
Have fewer injuries, all of these things.
29:01
It just supports it, right?
29:03
And that comes full circle to live with them.
29:05
Let your grandparents live in the house.
29:07
Your parents live in the house.
29:08
Go live in their house.
29:10
Like go back to how we've done it for five or 10,000 years.
29:12
Stop testing this new way that we've tried for the last 100, 150 that create 50% of divorces, stressed out parents that are overweight, unhappy, and miserable, regardless of how wealthy you are.
29:22
How wealthy you are has no tie to whether or not you go live with the family, the friends, the multi-generational, and they're happier.
29:30
Go look at, you know, in the US, all these Mexican families that have like three generations under a three bedroom house.
29:35
They're happy.
29:36
Yeah, they have less space.
29:37
Of course.
29:37
Well, go outside.
29:38
Go on a walk when you need your alone time.
29:40
Go to a library.
29:41
Right.
29:42
But that is a way that actually works versus this other way.
29:46
And in the USA, it's very common for families to be separated because one kid decides to live in this state and then another one, and then the husband of this kid is like that.
29:57
And then you have at the end of the day, everyone is just, it's all over the place.
30:02
And you may see the family, I don't know, three times a year, Thanksgiving and something like that.
30:07
Right?
30:07
So how, and that might be maybe a problem.
30:11
for the USA mainly, many other countries, I would say like Argentina is, you were born in Buenos Aires, you will tend to live in Buenos Aires and everyone will live in Buenos Aires.
30:21
So you are 30 minutes away of everyone.
30:24
So what would you say?
30:25
And again, let's just say that people from the USA are watching this and it's like, yeah, but what is the guarantee?
30:30
Okay, I get it.
30:31
Yeah, get as many kids as possible.
30:33
I'm gonna have four kids, five kids.
30:35
I'm not rich.
30:36
I'm not gonna be rich.
30:38
And what are the odds that my kids are going to be close to me when I'm older, geographically speaking to me?
30:45
I mean, as everything in life, I would flip what you just said.
30:48
I would move to my kids.
30:50
If they're set on moving somewhere else, I'd be around them.
30:53
Got it.
30:53
But you have one that is living in Florida.
30:55
The other one is living in Arizona.
30:56
The other one is living in New York.
30:57
The other one is living in L.A. And it's a great answer, right?
30:59
You're in...
31:00
Florida during the winter, you know, you're in LA during the, during the summer, you, you, you go seasonally.
31:07
I would do something like that if I were quote retired, or I would find that I would try and find my own job.
31:12
If I need to still work and I'm 70, 80 years old, I'd go work near them.
31:15
I think that that unit, and I think one other pieces, some people, you know, their family dies.
31:20
There's situations that are outside of their control.
31:22
They're terrible.
31:23
You create your own family.
31:24
Like that, that's my view.
31:25
There's blood and there's like blood.
31:27
Right.
31:27
So you create your own family unit wherever you are.
31:30
The grandma that lost her husband and kid doesn't talk to her could become your grandma.
31:34
Like you can adopt them.
31:36
She can adopt you.
31:37
If you don't have the ability with your own family, whether they don't live, whether they live across the country and nobody wants to move in a stubborn situation.
31:44
I think a lot of that comes back to fear, right?
31:45
It's fear because it's uncomfortable to make that relationship with someone.
31:48
It's fearful to quit your job and move somewhere else.
31:50
Those things are all fear-based, right?
31:53
But I think there's ways to overcome them, whether it's new family or going back to your old family.
31:58
But let's go with the example of the old family.
32:01
I'm just going forward 20 years from now, when let's say our generation starts retiring to 30 years from now.
32:08
And how realistic is for someone that is not rich?
32:12
Now, we may get into how to get rich when you still have 30 years to retire.
32:17
But let's just say that they are not rich.
32:18
Therefore, they are not financially independent.
32:20
They just kind of say, like, I'm just going to go and live in Florida.
32:23
And then I'm going to live in this.
32:24
And then I'm going to live in that.
32:25
They are like, well...
32:26
And I cannot find a job here.
32:28
And by the way, I'm 65 and I'm 70 and I'm f***ing tired, dude.
32:31
Like, what are you talking about?
32:32
Just keeps coming back to like, why am I in a unique situation?
32:35
Go move in with your 90 year old roommate at any age.
32:38
For me, I was 22 years old, moved in with my 93 year old roommate.
32:43
Oh, she happened to be my grandma.
32:44
That was that was my roommate from 23.
32:47
to whatever, 30.
32:49
So why did you do that?
32:51
I did that because I had no money and I wanted to do, I wanted a different life.
32:54
I wanted to have a better life in terms of financially, time, freedom, financial freedom, all these things.
32:59
Looked at it and thought, if you want a different life, you can't follow the same path as everyone else.
33:04
You have to choose, you have to make different decisions.
33:06
My different decision was to go do that.
33:08
My friends, his parents and grandparents were both living in homes that they didn't love.
33:12
They both sold their house and bought a bigger house together.
33:15
So you have a pair of grandparents, a pair of parents, and he wants to start a business, left the whole financial world, and now he lives in that house.
33:23
So you have three generations under one roof, loving life, doing their thing.
33:27
Well, so that is kind of like a hack that you are mentioning about how to...
33:32
save money?
33:33
I think when people are in deep fear around money, they can't think clearly and they just keep marching in their little box, their prison.
33:40
So without resetting some of that, they're always just going to say, well, I won't have food or I will die.
33:46
Or it comes back to these five questions get to our death around fearing death, right?
33:50
We're not going to have enough food to eat or something.
33:52
So if you can recalibrate that, you get a lot more creativity and freedom to think.
33:56
What percentage of people moved with their grandparents to save money, would you say?
34:01
My guess is sub one or two percent.
34:03
Okay, got it.
34:04
I do think it's going up with your parents, which is a little bit more comfortable you're seeing in the U.S., but really it's desperation.
34:10
It's like now it's becoming popular or more common because people have gotten so desperate.
34:15
To move to the basement?
34:17
To move to the basement.
34:19
In your 20s.
34:20
Okay, but they are doing that because they are saving money.
34:23
Saving money or because they literally can't afford it.
34:25
Like the prices of apartments, the inflation and back to the Bitcoin stuff, the inflation has made it so expensive.
34:29
It would be very interesting to see what is the percentage.
34:33
Funny enough, I also lived with my grandmother.
34:35
Wow, I didn't know that.
34:37
You didn't know that, yes.
34:38
I can't remember how many years I lived with her, but it was not, I would say that it was a couple.
34:42
How common was that?
34:43
Zero.
34:45
It was, but my grandmother had a big house.
34:48
It was the biggest house that I've ever seen in my life.
34:50
And I mean, we had like two floors and then a little, so I was living at the top with total massive heat, super hot, whatever.
34:58
But I'm like, yeah, I don't care.
34:59
It's so funny you say that.
35:00
She was so happy.
35:02
to cook for me and she was so happy to clean and to wash. And I was like, this is a no brainer.
35:08
It's a complete hack.
35:09
It's a level up.
35:10
So we had the same thing.
35:11
My grandmother had a huge house.
35:12
The problem was it was falling apart and no one was putting money into it.
35:16
And so it was a huge house, but I was above the garages in what was a converted attic.
35:20
And so the heat didn't really work.
35:22
So I was like sleeping in check.
35:23
In the attic?
35:24
Yeah, it was converted from attic to a room.
35:27
I was in the same.
35:28
The cold and hot were like, it would get really, really bad.
35:31
I'd wake up and sweat on the sheets.
35:33
I didn't care.
35:33
And it gave me extra money to go build the business and to travel.
35:37
And for me, traveling was really important at that stage of my life.
35:40
That is so funny, how the similarity in the stories there.
35:45
And I think as we talk about parents, right, this is becoming more common, right?
35:49
Maybe we were on the front edge.
35:50
Hey, look, that's happened forever.
35:51
You live with your family.
35:52
But we were on the front edge, and now more people in their 20s are doing that, right?
35:56
I look at families, there should be a moving back in, right?
35:59
There should be a, and some of this is like, look, I don't want to be around my mom.
36:03
Why wouldn't you want if your parents were awesome?
36:05
Maybe because they weren't.
36:06
I think a lot of them say, even if they aren't, but I would say, even if they aren't awesome, you just set up boundaries.
36:12
Like you, you have an open, you get over the fear and you have a discussion like, Hey, we just want this part of the house.
36:17
Can we, this be ours?
36:18
This is our space that, you know,
36:20
We don't want to come in your bedroom ever.
36:22
We'd ask that you not come in our bedroom.
36:24
Like set up some reasonable, like this is our space to have a little more comfort or whatever it is.
36:30
Double click on that.
36:32
If you have an incredible relationship, let's just say like your grandmother and you, I'm just going to guess, right?
36:38
She hated me, by the way.
36:39
But I'll talk about it.
36:40
Later, truly.
36:42
Maybe that doesn't apply.
36:43
I don't know.
36:44
But do you need to have a conversation about the boundaries?
36:48
Oh, not at all.
36:49
I think if you're in a great relationship, it doesn't matter at all.
36:51
Well, that's what I'm saying.
36:53
I'm talking about for the people that aren't in a good relationship.
36:56
We are talking to the people that are 30 years old, 35 years old.
37:00
And what you are saying is, do not stop at two.
37:04
Just keep going because it gets better.
37:06
And then we are talking about money and, okay, I'm not financially free.
37:11
And therefore, I can't.
37:12
How can I afford to keep the family together?
37:14
And what do you say?
37:15
Well, maybe just the whole family needs to come together.
37:18
That's step one.
37:19
Than separation.
37:20
But then the question is, why would the kids want to be around military indoctrination people, right?
37:28
Or I don't even know how to say it, but people that have been treating you like you are way less and therefore you need to obey me.
37:36
And these are the rules.
37:37
There's such good comments on this, Pablo.
37:39
Did you love your grandparents?
37:40
Yes.
37:40
Yes.
37:41
Who made your parents?
37:42
Parents.
37:42
Who are they copying?
37:43
My grandmother.
37:44
I mean, this is the funny thing.
37:45
From the mother's side.
37:46
Yeah.
37:46
Guess who your parents are going to say they didn't like?
37:49
Their parents.
37:49
Guess who they loved?
37:50
Their grandparents.
37:52
Possibly.
37:52
Dude, it's the cycle.
37:53
I mean, most people respond with that.
37:55
Why is that?
37:56
Well, because when they become grandparents, they don't believe they have to be in control.
37:59
They relax the way third and fourth parents do.
38:03
Yeah.
38:04
Because they don't think the kid's going to die.
38:06
And they're like, chill out.
38:07
Just enjoy it.
38:08
I haven't thought about this until we talked.
38:10
Similarities between a person with three, four, five kids and grandparents, they act a lot alike.
38:16
They stop trying to control every single thing.
38:19
I can maybe see that with you and with your wife.
38:23
I don't see that with many parents.
38:25
I see that parents are still trying to control...
38:29
most of it and i actually think having the grandparents around gives another example to kind of relax because they've already been through it they're watching the sequel i met this really neat grandpa and he goes i'm watching my kids raise their kids and i'm watching the sequel and it's like round two well you bring the primaries back in they help diffuse there's more adults with eyes there's more grounded presence of look they're not going to die if you let them out in a fenced backyard the
38:52
They can't get out.
38:53
Let them go scratch their toe.
38:55
It's okay.
38:56
That is a positive influence.
38:57
If you can do your own grandparents or parents, great.
39:00
Number one, if you can't find them, adopt them.
39:03
There's plenty of lonely, sad, empty home grandparents with huge houses like we found with our grandmothers.
39:09
Go find them if you're single, go find them if you're in your 20s, go find them if you're, you know, have a young family and bring life into their life, right?
39:17
Help extend their life and their health that research shows.
39:20
That's step one.
39:21
Nothing else matters.
39:23
It's a good question.
39:23
Step two gets in a lot of different directions.
39:25
But I think number one, that's my advice.
39:27
That would be my advice to everyone.
39:28
My brother just bought a new house.
39:31
He's married to a girl who is originally from Mexico and her parents.
39:34
And laws are moving in.
39:35
They're moving in in December.
39:36
I was like, that's amazing.
39:37
They have a bedroom set up and their own bathroom.
39:40
They're going to be in the back part of the house.
39:42
It's amazing.
39:43
I don't see so too many exemplar parents, even in our community.
39:48
Yeah.
39:48
And then you're talking about people that can afford it, that have the money and they have the time, but they don't have the software.
39:55
And I don't think that this is just a two kids versus three kids or four kids.
39:59
Yeah, I think you're right.
40:00
I think there's root issues.
40:02
And like that gets in step two is a lot more of the psychology of like, create a list of every time you get pissed at your kids or your wife, start working through these triggers.
40:10
And there's other there's other steps that are a little more complicated and overwhelming.
40:14
I don't think people can get to those when they're in this pure fear state.
40:18
And if you don't like Maslow's hierarchy, if you don't have that physiological safety of I have a roof over my head, you know, you can't move on to
40:27
you know, love, you can't move on to creativity, to self-actualization, to these other levels.
40:33
So that's why I think really step one is feeling confident and comfortable about just, I have a roof over my head.
40:38
I can buy enough food to survive, right?
40:41
And if you don't get that squared away, then you're so stressed about losing your job and you're so stressed about running your business and you're so stressed about, we break down because we can't even think past that.
40:51
And it's like flipping the script and just saying, okay, where do I lay my head down?
40:55
If I can, instead of paying $2,000 a month for rent, I pay 300 and I'm living in the home of this wonderful 80 year old that feels like the grandma I always wanted.
41:04
And I get to be the grandkids she doesn't have and wishes she has and solve her of her depression, anxiety.
41:09
And now, guess what?
41:10
They don't have to pay for a caretaker because if she falls, she just yells, Peter, I fell.
41:15
And boom, I'm lifting her up.
41:17
We're going to the hospital.
41:18
So that is for the people that have a normal job.
41:20
Then you have two other segments, let's say.
41:23
And if you have a third one, just throw it in.
41:26
Another one is you're making $200,000 a year.
41:28
And the other one is...
41:31
You sold your business, you have financial freedom, freedom of money, freedom of time.
41:36
And I haven't seen the pattern that more money equals to better parenting.
41:42
Yeah, I think that's because they haven't unwired their fear.
41:45
So what should they change in order to be able to parent in an incredible way rather than in the old way, even though now they have money?
41:55
Yeah, just because people have more ones or zeros in a bank account doesn't mean any of their software, their mental operating system has changed.
42:03
And I haven't told you this, but I really like this.
42:04
I call it moss, M-O-S or M-O-S-S, like moss on a rock.
42:09
Moss on a rock, right?
42:10
It's slippery.
42:11
It's dangerous, right?
42:13
All you have to do is you scrape it out and see what's underneath this beautiful rock, right?
42:17
It's like our brain is a rock.
42:19
Sometimes we let moss get over.
42:20
They're slippery.
42:21
They're wrong.
42:22
That's our mental operating system, moss.
42:24
They're not scraping away the moss that grew on the rock to have a stable, steady rock of clear thought.
42:31
So I may have sold my business and I went through this.
42:33
I sold my business.
42:35
That was the most poor I ever felt because there wasn't money and growth coming into my account.
42:39
You know, now I've got this chunk of money and I'm just slowly eating it away.
42:44
so poor, so worried about money and spending.
42:48
So it doesn't matter that the numbers of one zeroes, and I've told you, I call it the Norton virus.
42:52
The professor from Harvard, Professor Norton, studied a couple hundred millionaires across a million to hundreds of millions of dollars.
42:59
And do you remember what they said would make them a 10 out of 10 happy?
43:01
One more zero.
43:02
It's two to three times the wealth.
43:04
So basically, yes.
43:05
It depends, but basically, yes, one more zero.
43:07
Two to three times the wealth.
43:08
Two to three times the wealth, they'd be 10 out of 10.
43:09
We just have a virus.
43:10
It's the Norton virus.
43:11
Somehow this virus is in our brain that says more money will, and that's really what you would call an arrival fallacy.
43:17
When I arrive here, I'll be relaxed.
43:19
Well, that's a fallacy.
43:20
It's an arrival fallacy.
43:21
So if we come back and address that, whether I have $100,000, $1, $100,000, or $100 million, I'm still struggling with the Norton virus that creates an arrival fallacy.
43:31
And once I come back to that, the solution is still the same at all those different levels.
43:36
So let's go through your question.
43:38
I have no money.
43:39
Okay, go move into grandma's or like grandma, right?
43:42
Okay, I'm making $200,000.
43:44
Have grandma move in with me.
43:46
Right.
43:47
Okay.
43:47
I'm making worth $50 million.
43:49
Okay.
43:50
You have an au pair or my parents paid help or family help move into the house.
43:55
It's creating this stable structure where under this roof, I feel safe, confident.
44:00
I have enough mental clarity, right?
44:02
Because kids look, they do need some help, right?
44:04
They're not, mine are very independent and interdependent, but like they still can't drive.
44:09
They still can't, you know, deal with certain things.
44:12
Like they're still
44:14
Somebody's got to wipe the butt.
44:15
I have no problem wiping the butts.
44:17
I'll wipe, and I enjoy having that problem.
44:19
That's a problem I want.
44:21
But let's say I'm doing this call with you.
44:22
Well, now I have the freedom to think creatively to get on a business call or go work out because grandma who's living in will take care of them.
44:29
Because an au pair, because my parents who are living in that ex-spare bedroom, there's an extra hand.
44:35
That frees you to really start working on the buttons.
44:38
Now I can go to the list.
44:40
Okay, Pablo said this, I got mad.
44:42
My kid said this, I got mad.
44:43
My wife said this.
44:44
Okay, let me work through that.
44:45
Oh, wow, it's my mental operating system.
44:47
Scrape away the moss that's on the rock, right?
44:50
Moss, mental operating system.
44:51
Okay, let me rethink this.
44:53
Okay, when they do this, oh, that's what my dad would do when I was 10.
44:57
I'm just repeating a software.
44:58
Oh, that's what my boss does.
45:00
I'm just copying them.
45:01
So really, I view that as probably my step to at least on my own personal journey was like create enough space and Maslow's hierarchy safety that then you can move on to some of these things like, oh, I don't feel loved.
45:14
Like for me, it was if I made somebody upset, I felt I wasn't deserving love.
45:18
So then I always avoided offending them or saying something would make them mad or I skirt into truth or white lie.
45:24
Right.
45:25
I don't want to do that.
45:26
I had to work through, no, no, it's okay.
45:28
Them being mad is not me.
45:30
Maybe they're going to grow because of that comment.
45:32
But we can't get to that without getting our house in order.
45:35
I mean, Jordan Peterson says that, right?
45:37
It's like, don't go correct the world.
45:39
Look at my own house.
45:40
Get my house in order first.
45:41
Because if we all do that, the world's going to be a beautiful place.
45:44
Rather than me going, Pablo, fix this and da da da da.
45:47
So if someone kind of do, I'm just going to go through the excuses that I can see people listening to this may come up with, which is like, well, so Peter, I hear you.
45:58
Step one, get some help somehow, get some space.
46:03
Step two, get my mental house in order, like clear the moss.
46:08
the mental operating system, analyze my current software and upgrade my software, right?
46:13
That would be your step one, step two.
46:16
So the question is like, cool, but doing a step one, you don't understand.
46:21
I just come from this other country.
46:22
I am alone.
46:23
Neighbors hate me.
46:24
It is what it is.
46:25
I love these, right?
46:26
I have a friend who's an oral surgeon just bought his own practice, right?
46:30
He's going to make like a million bucks this year.
46:32
He's still operating and I love him.
46:38
I came over and he's putting together a pergola, like, you know, something that he does shade.
46:42
It took him an entire weekend.
46:44
And he's like, I got a great deal.
46:45
You'd laugh.
46:46
It's like, you know, me being cheaper or dumb.
46:48
I just said, he goes, I got a great deal.
46:49
I only paid 500 bucks for this pergola.
46:51
It should be $2,000.
46:52
I was like, yeah, but what's the cost?
46:54
You just put this an entire weekend.
46:56
And he's working, you know, he's working five days a week hard doing, extracting people's teeth.
47:00
And it's not that he loves doing it, right?
47:02
He hated it.
47:03
Exactly.
47:03
Okay.
47:04
He hated it.
47:04
And then his wife was like, yeah, it would have only been $400 for delivery and assembly, right?
47:09
So instead of paying $500, he's paying $900.
47:11
And then he sent me a picture.
47:13
This is what broke him.
47:14
He sent me a picture and it was his son, who's only one year old, watching him put together.
47:18
And I go, beautiful.
47:19
He's learning the family operating software.
47:22
And it broke him.
47:23
I love it.
47:25
Because you literally see this little kid on a little bike, this beautiful, wonderful little boy looking over at his dad.
47:31
And he's literally downloading the software.
47:34
And the kid's like, I just want to play on the bike with you.
47:36
Now, the cool part is to his credit, like I came over with him and we got like a 200 pound size and started smelling a little funky.
47:42
And I was like, hey, man, we're going to keep this outside.
47:43
We have another one already outside because it smells funky.
47:46
You take this.
47:47
We bring it over and Teddy, my five-year-old goes, I have an idea.
47:50
And at the same moment he said it, I was thinking it.
47:52
What if we put the bounce house on top of his pool?
47:55
And he's got a pool and we, and you know, there were no wires.
47:58
So all the electrical was like 10, 15 feet away.
48:00
And we had, I had a babysitter with me that was holding the electrical.
48:03
And we put the bounce house on the pool and it was amazing.
48:05
They were sliding down in the water.
48:07
It was like a little wobblier.
48:09
It was so fun to let the kid be more creative.
48:11
And you could see this was a weekend after a couple of weekends after the
48:14
That was from putting together the pergola to playing with the bounce house.
48:17
Now, the financial constraint is all in his head.
48:20
Like he is in the top 1% of 1% earners of the whole country.
48:23
But that doesn't mean we change our moss, right?
48:25
We don't scrape away our moss.
48:27
We don't reflect on and actually look at it and the beautiful rock or our brain underneath.
48:31
There's no way that I can do step one.
48:34
And you're right, Pablo.
48:35
Because as long as you believe that, there never will be.
48:38
Well, but not me, right?
48:39
I know.
48:40
Anyone I would talk to, I'd say, anyone I would say, yeah, you've already made the decision.
48:44
That's true.
48:45
Do you want to have a discussion about ways?
48:46
Are you open to that?
48:47
If you're not, then stay in your hole, right?
48:49
Dig the deeper hole.
48:50
Go darker and darker.
48:51
Because my belief is at some point you'll dig through to the bottom of the earth.
48:55
You'll be on the other side of your life.
48:56
So my question or what I expected to hear was more like, okay, forget about step one.
49:01
Step one would make step two way easier.
49:04
I think that it would.
49:06
I just think being blunt, the mental challenge of working in the Western world of kind of nine to five, sitting at a desk, doing stuff you don't want to do for most people.
49:16
And then getting home and spending, putting kids down and getting 30 minutes at the end of the day to try and work on mental software.
49:23
I just don't see as likely.
49:24
Like, it's not impossible.
49:26
This is very, very, very hard without creating.
49:30
I look at like 5 p.m. to 8 or 9 p.m. are the golden hours.
49:34
Right.
49:35
And most people are like, I don't want to have help because I want to spend time with kids.
49:38
OK, cool.
49:39
Are you spending time with your kid from five to eight or are you doing the dishes, you know, prepping the food, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, everything else.
49:47
And the kids are watching you do these activities.
49:49
Now, if the kids are doing them with you, bravo, beautiful.
49:52
And that's what we do a lot of it.
49:53
Like, hey, let's make dinner together.
49:54
Hey, let's set up the table together.
49:56
Let's take the table down together.
49:58
But it's fun.
49:59
But sometimes I take the kids and I go have fun, right?
50:02
And I let my, if we have a babysitter there, help my wife with the newborn.
50:06
If she needs to go relax or like she didn't sleep last night for a newborn, she can sleep.
50:10
If not, she can spend time with the newborn.
50:11
I just take the kids and run.
50:12
So I want to create help, whether it's a grandparent, whether it's somebody living in, whether it's whatever.
50:18
to give us options.
50:19
Maybe Pablo just gave me this great software and I want to go dig in on why I get so angry at this thing.
50:23
Okay.
50:24
Now from five to eight, I have a little optionality to go actually unplug my software and work on the moss.
50:29
I just, I think somebody's really, it kind of comes back to, I listened to the NVIDIA CEO.
50:34
He goes, I do the hardest thing I can to start the day, the most important thing to start every day.
50:41
And it's like until someone gets their home in even some level
50:47
It's just everything else doesn't really matter.
50:50
It's just too, too difficult.
50:52
Okay.
50:52
So step one, if I can maybe say it with the different words, what you are saying is get your house in order, whatever that means.
50:59
Maybe, maybe it is.
51:01
Yeah.
51:01
Wake up 30 minutes earlier and go for a run or leave some ways or do something.
51:06
But just think about this is why I love the high school hustle stuff and getting kids more comfortable.
51:10
Me knowing like I live in a terrible apartment.
51:13
I'm squeezed in with my little family.
51:14
It's miserable.
51:15
But we go walk in the neighborhood nearby that has like some pretty nice homes.
51:19
And there's that one older lady that's so sweet.
51:21
And I see her walk her little dog.
51:23
Like what about getting over the fear and saying, hey, can we start helping you around the house?
51:26
I don't have a grandparent.
51:27
I'd love to have dinner with you on Sundays, you know, with my kids.
51:30
Okay, two months later, it's, hey, do you mind if we, you know, stayed here just the weekend?
51:34
I would really love just a weekend where we don't have a grandparent.
51:37
You don't, do you have grandkids around?
51:38
No, I'd love for you to be around my kids.
51:41
Could we do kind of a fun staycation where we stay for the weekend at the house?
51:44
Oh, yeah.
51:45
Oh, that'd be amazing.
51:46
Wow, this weekend was so fun.
51:47
You know, that apartment just hasn't felt safe recently.
51:50
And, you know, the kids just love being around you.
51:53
Could we try a month living here?
51:54
Like, would you be comfortable with that?
51:56
Like, it just evolved.
51:57
Wait, is that to live for free in the grandma's house?
51:59
Is that what you're saying?
52:00
Could be.
52:01
Or, hey, we'd love to pay $500.
52:03
We pay $1,000 for this apartment or $2,000 and it's terrible.
52:06
Could we give you $1,000 a month?
52:08
and live in your room.
52:10
I don't think you need to start with the final one, but you build the relationship with someone that gives you energy that you feel excited by, that you're like, man, my grandma was really a jerk to me.
52:19
Or my parents were terrible to me.
52:20
This is who I wish I would have had as a parent.
52:22
Create that, right?
52:23
Like, why not?
52:24
And I think getting over that fear, then you're like, oh my gosh, this is amazing.
52:29
You know, the last one, and look, there's all levels.
52:31
I still think about being poor.
52:33
I still consider myself poor.
52:34
Like, there's times where a lot of my life, I've had no money, so...
52:37
You know, getting to a point where I do is still, I still need to upgrade my software.
52:41
You've been a great influence on this.
52:43
We did a night nanny, which only fourth kid.
52:45
We never did that.
52:46
It's very expensive.
52:47
But this amazing woman from Jamaica, lives in New York now, is 70.
52:51
She just like teaches us how to be amazing newborn parents because she's done it for 30 years all year.
52:58
And we're still learning tips and tricks.
52:59
And I always laugh.
53:00
I keep telling the woman, I'm like, you're the husband my wife always wanted.
53:03
Because she's like, before my wife even asked, she's like, I've got two waters for you.
53:07
This one has lemon, this one has lime.
53:09
You know, she's like, you know, hey, actually, when you're breastfeeding, switch this way and it'll be easier.
53:14
My wife's like, oh, that's amazing.
53:16
She's just so good, so good.
53:19
And it was like, for us, it was uncomfortable.
53:22
My wife wouldn't even ask for this.
53:23
I was like, let's just try it because it's week to week and you can always cut it whenever you want.
53:27
Let's try it and we can send her home after a week if we don't like her or don't like the environment.
53:31
And I think for a lot of these dads, when they're trying to sell their wife on this idea, because just generally or a lot of times it's a wife is less comfortable with these ideas or worried about their space, right?
53:41
They're great homemakers.
53:42
They're worried about their space.
53:43
Just saying, look, we can leave.
53:44
The minute you're uncomfortable, we leave.
53:46
The minute you don't like this, we'll leave.
53:47
The minute you don't like the nanny or someone in our house, they're gone.
53:51
Like give them the power so they always can choose.
53:53
This is the off ramp, but this is the stay on ramp.
53:56
And we always joke with my wife.
53:57
Like she was just like everyone else.
53:59
She's like, I don't want anyone in my house.
54:01
This is my house.
54:02
I'm like, I'm a good mom.
54:03
I can do, I saw this girl on Instagram.
54:05
She does it all by herself.
54:06
I can be that way too.
54:07
You know, and then it was like, let's have one person on, try them.
54:12
If you don't like them, they're gone.
54:14
We find someone else.
54:15
And then it was, that was great.
54:16
And, you know, then it's one au pair.
54:17
And at one point we had two au pairs living in the house.
54:19
You know, now we have zero and we use a lot of nannies and babysitters and everything else.
54:24
And then the night nanny was like, who knows?
54:26
And I think it comes back to if you want to live, if you're living in a terrible apartment with two kids and a wife and you hate it, right?
54:32
Go find, upgrade the life.
54:35
Use creativity.
54:36
Right?
54:36
There's other ways to do it.
54:37
I mean, look at you and me.
54:38
We were poor and we lived at grandma's when no one else did.
54:42
And it was embarrassing.
54:43
For most people would have been too embarrassed to do it.
54:45
And we said, I don't care.
54:47
I think that what would be very interesting is to dissect and to explore why you and I had no problem doing that.
54:58
But then 99% of people...
55:02
They would just not do it and they would just try to do the Instagram thing, right?
55:06
There's a quote that says, intelligence is not the absence of knowledge.
55:11
It's the refusal to acquire it.
55:13
So let's say you and I both don't have knowledge.
55:16
I say, no, I'm staying here.
55:18
I don't want to go explore or find out something else.
55:20
You're like, I'll go live with grandma.
55:22
If it doesn't work, I'll move after a week.
55:23
You've tried to acquire new knowledge where I've said, nope, I refuse to acquire this new knowledge.
55:30
I mean, you've seen it with my kids, right?
55:31
Hey, do you want the carrot?
55:33
No.
55:33
Well, how do you know you don't want the carrot?
55:34
I don't want it.
55:35
Have you had a carrot?
55:36
No.
55:37
Well, so how do you know?
55:38
If they really say no, they're refusing to acquire this new knowledge.
55:42
But if they just try the carrot, they might be like, oh.
55:45
And I joke with my son, because this happened, a real life story with my son.
55:48
And he had the carrot and he goes, that's so good.
55:50
Can I have another?
55:51
I go, they're gone.
55:52
We all ate them.
55:53
Like, it was the final fifth time I asked him, hey, this is the last carrot.
55:56
Do you want to try it?
55:57
He tries a bite.
55:58
He loves it.
55:58
Right.
55:59
And the same thing applies to moving into grandma's or moving out of the apartment.
56:03
We don't know without acquiring.
56:05
Something that really helped me a lot was having an off-ramp.
56:08
So connecting this with the night nanny, having the off-ramp of like, okay, what is the worst thing that can happen?
56:14
Oh, okay.
56:14
Okay.
56:14
If I don't like it, I just go to this other place.
56:17
No problem.
56:17
And I think that's why when I haven't talked about this before, and this is fun talking with you, is I'm obsessed.
56:23
I even thought about creating a business or a nonprofit that's like literally matchmaking of families or people with old, empty home people.
56:31
It's like, that is such a huge shift if you can figure that out.
56:36
Because, I mean, look, my grandma, they needed less help at the house.
56:41
You know, she was immobile.
56:42
She couldn't walk.
56:43
I joke that she didn't like me because I was so close with my grandpa.
56:46
She was jealous that we'd spend four or five hours talking.
56:48
So she'd be like, Peter's late.
56:49
Like, you know, she just, everybody laughed so hard because she'd just yell at me and get angry at me.
56:55
And I knew it was just like, she was a jealous older, jealous.
56:58
I don't care.
56:59
Jealous woman.
56:59
It's like, I'm taking her man.
57:01
So I never cared.
57:01
But we actually never told her I moved in because she couldn't walk.
57:04
So I was just there all the time, but she didn't know I was living there because the help was like, I think she'll get really mad because they had a full-time person helping her.
57:13
But they didn't need as much help.
57:14
And I was able to flag.
57:16
They had some people they had to fire.
57:18
They had all kinds of misdemeanors and broken laws because I flagged it.
57:21
And I was like, this isn't – they're yelling at her.
57:24
They're being verbally abusive.
57:25
We got to get them out.
57:26
I was there to help.
57:28
So I think about it like if I were living in California –
57:31
And my mom's by herself in New York.
57:33
I would love a Pablo living with his two kids in her house.
57:36
Takes my fear away.
57:37
I could probably spend less money on help.
57:40
I don't have to worry about if she falls.
57:42
Like it's a win-win.
57:43
So for a lot of these people, they're not realizing just their time, their love, their amazing energy is an asset with value.
57:50
And they're not realizing that could be an asset to the woman or man that's a grandpa.
57:55
or isn't a grandpa and wishes they were, right?
57:57
Never could have kids and their wife died and they're lonely.
58:01
Like you bring life and vigor into their life.
58:03
That's amazing.
58:04
And I think that's step one in my mind.
58:06
I love that.
58:07
It's the same thing I have with investments.
58:09
I want to find something, create staying power to prevent my monkey brain from hitting the off switch too early.
58:16
Right.
58:16
The reason I'm doing high school hustle locally.
58:18
Right.
58:19
Is because I love like I met this amazing kid yesterday.
58:21
It gives me so much energy to chat with him.
58:23
And it reminds me so much of myself when I was in high school to think of his trajectory changing because of a three hour, three hour conversation with me.
58:29
Gets me so excited.
58:30
But my staying power is is truly changing my own house, my local community of entrepreneurship.
58:36
And then I want to turn off of this playbook globally.
58:38
And yes, allow it to take off.
58:40
That's my whole point.
58:41
If I can find a primary motivator that's not tied to the external validator, I will last longer and I'm more likely to make the external impact.
58:51
A hundred percent.
58:52
If the motivation is to let's document these thoughts, the amount of conversations that we have, it's incredible.
59:00
And I wish...
59:02
Those things were public without names and things like that, or where, or let's say were spoken in public.
59:09
I think that that would be so powerful.
59:12
Brother, I gotta go.
59:13
That was awesome.