Latest / Self Love Podcast / I found Peace with things I was afraid of.

Transcript

I found Peace with things I was afraid of. · Self Love Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning, familia.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: How's everyone doing?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everybody's having an amazing day.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hi guys, welcome to another episode of Self Love Podcast.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: How's everyone's week doing?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everybody is getting excited and ready for Halloween.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I am.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, I'm not going to dress up this year.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Financially, I am not there to be able to do the costume that I want to do, but I might just use one of my old costumes just for the heck of it.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I probably just stay home.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't feel the need to want to go out this year or even go out with my nieces and nephews.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to stay home and be in my own little world and at peace.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: But um on today's segment, I don't even know how to start this, guys.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to even initiate this conversation.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like it's a conversation I've always been afraid of talking about or even bringing up.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like lately in therapy, it has been teaching me to be more vocal, more comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations even within myself, not with others.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because unfortunately, I don't really have much people to turn around to and speak to about anything I'm going through.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't talk to anybody.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that is my friends.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: My friends are all, you know, do living their own lives, doing their own things, and uh my friend is Alia, she's the only one that checks up on me, and she's the only one that actually knows a lot of the things that are going on within myself, my relationship, and my family.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but other than that, like I don't really talk much uh besides my therapist.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like my therapist is my best friend, she's an amazing person.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Shout out to my therapist, Valerie.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I do want to talk about family history.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I touched upon it uh a little bit on some other episodes about you know little things that I didn't like or how my family mistreats me.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I also do feel like I have left a lot of things out for the sake of people's images.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, for the sake of not wanting to start any drama with my family, and even me being that way and even being peaceful, I still have drama with my family.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just like, you know what?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna speak up, I'm just gonna talk about it.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, there's no way I can get through them uh to I don't know, talk about any hurt or anything they have created within the family or even within myself.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um but not being in a different mindset, I don't know if it's called growth or just you know being exhausted over everything, but now I understand what people meant when they say that family will not always be your family, and I think I had a hard time accepting that all my life because I kept you know getting myself involved in my family, not too involved, you know.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: There was an incident where I got too involved uh with one of my brothers' relationships, only because obviously there was a kid involved.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, that was the only reason why I got involved.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: The only reason why I got involved is for that child.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I could care less what was going on in the relationship, I can care less what was going on between them.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I just didn't want that kid to go through similar situations that we went through as kids.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's where I fucked up because I feel like that's when everything went downhill in my family.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, somehow I became the villain because of that situation.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh somehow, because of that, I was titled the nosy one.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um I don't know why when I don't even I don't even talk about them.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even talk bad about them to anybody or even talk about any of their secrets because I know damn well that I know a lot of their secrets, and I have not mentioned none of them to anybody.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: One, because I feel like as a family member, you're supposed to stick with your family no matter what.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: When even when you don't, I guess, agree with a lot of their choices, but you're supposed to be family and protect them, you know what I mean?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's the way that I see it.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: But when it comes to beasts, it's not like that.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And second, and I'm sorry to say this, but it's the what I feel.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm embarrassed of a lot of the choices that my family has made.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: A lot, and I'm not just talking about my extended family.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I lost connection with them a long time ago, so I'm not really, you know, worried about that.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about my immediate family, which is my siblings, my sister-in-laws, and my parents, and my stepdad.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of choices that my mom has made, I am embarrassed, I am embarrassed about.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And not once have I said anything, not even to my own siblings, and I'm pretty sure my siblings don't even know what I know.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the choices that my brothers made, which are extreme.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I'm gonna say.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: They're extreme choices that they made that for some reason it just got brushed off like it's nothing.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I guess it's because it's their men or straight men, so they that's what my mom thinks, because I know a lot of things about them.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: But for some reason, I'm the one that gets looked down upon.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Which I haven't made mistakes, I've made mistakes, but not to the extent of like my siblings, but for some reason I'm the one that gets treated like I'm shit, like I'm the problem, like I get involved in all their bullshit, and for some reason my family became people I cannot trust anymore.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't trust my family, not one bit.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Starting with my mom and my brothers, and the only reason is because I believe that when it comes to family, for instance, if when not I know that a family is never perfect, but when a family member comes to you, even your own sibling, guys, your own sibling or even your parent, if you come to your parent and you're talking about the deepest secrets or just even things you want to let out because you don't know who to talk to, it's so it can stay within you guys, right?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure everybody feels the same way.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure everybody agrees that it's supposed to stay within your family because that's what family does is protect.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to my family, it's not like that.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: For some reason, we have to you know what?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna say we because I've never been that way.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: They have to tell the whole world everything that we tell them, but yet some of them, and I'm not gonna say who, including my mom, they like to keep some secrets of their own to themselves because they don't want people knowing anything, but yet they like to share everybody else's business, and what sucks is these are your own children, so you're hurting your own children, you're spreading your own children's secrets for what I don't know.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they like that?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I know my siblings are like that because they picked that up from my mom.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because my grandmother is the same way, and it sucks because I always wanted my family to be my protectress, I always wanted my family to be those people I can come to and just talk to about anything, but realizing lately, I mean I knew this this whole time.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I just thought maybe one day they would just shut the fuck up and just be there for me or just for each other.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just not the case, you know.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I I I went and I told my parents something that I felt like, you know, I didn't I don't I really don't have I don't have nobody to talk to guys, and this is not to make anybody feel sorry for it, but I don't have anybody to really talk to about about anything that I'm going through.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: My partner's dealing with his own, you know, grief and drama, and then you know, on top of that, you know, obviously I've we've contributed to the relationship issues, so he's dealing with that, so he you know he said he distanced himself for me, so we don't really talk about anything that's going on.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We just I guess tend to push it off and just go with life, go with the flow.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my family, I can't talk to, obviously.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: My friends, everybody's too busy living their own lives, so everybody's married or having kids, so I can't feel I don't feel like I need to intervene and be like, oh my god, guess what I'm going through?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but anyways, I got sidetracked, guys.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've realized lately when I was coming to my parents, which is my mom and her husband, about situations that I was dealing with and and stuff that I just you know obviously has saved to just talk to them in a moment when they're alone.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's when I felt, you know, comfortable to talk to them because they're supposed to be my parents.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then I quickly realized that right after, shortly, everybody knew my business.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: My brothers knew.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: For some reason, my stepdad's daughter daughter, no, I don't even have a relationship with my stepdad's daughter.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I hardly see her in the 20 years they've been together or whatever, 17 years they've been together.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've never I've hardly I've never built a relationship with his daughter, so for her to ignore my business says a lot.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: But then my brothers, when I was seeing my brothers, you know, for some reason my brothers like to take dabs on each other when we're around each other for some reason.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like it it like it boosts their ego to talk shit about each other, each other's business.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a butt brother in particular that's just like my mom.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's my mom's little minion, he does everything she says, and I only believe so because my mom, I feel like she's that's the only one that she can manipulate, uh, because he's not smart enough to think for himself, he needs other people thinking for him.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: But there's one in particular that honestly thinks he's better than everybody for some reason, and I I honestly blame my mother for this because my mom goes around because she does it with me, she goes around and she talks smack about each of my siblings to my siblings or to me, kind of to like I don't know if she does it intentionally or unintentionally, but it kind of comes across like she's doing it on purpose to make us jealous of each other.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll say this, and I'll and I'll admit this within them three, it fucking worked because now I see that disaster, now I see why they hate each other.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now I understand why they hate each other because she's going around telling them things that they shouldn't even fucking know.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they felt some type of way about each other, if they came to her trusting her about I don't know, maybe a way they were feeling about brother or or or or me or or something or her, like it was supposed to stay just with her, but no, my mom has the habit of coming and telling us everything.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I'll I'll admit at one point years ago, and this is years ago, guys, because this is going this has been going on for a while.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say this I started realizing in 2019 that my mom tells us things.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's to hurt us or to get us to love her more, or if she has a hard time accepting that we're are are building our own lives, that she wants us to herself.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know because it maybe it comes across like she doesn't like nothing for her kids or anyone for her kids, and it sucks because it it just makes it seem like our our or at least to me, it makes it seem like my mom's not enemy because she's never been like that with me.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: She's never been I uh I guess lovable or protective.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: She was a great provider, don't get me wrong.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: I and I respect that from her, you know, and I admire her for that, and I've always been vocal with that with her since I was little, since I can remember.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can remember being so little that grandma used to give me two, three dollars to go to an Island Cent store when the night actually existed, like things were actually a dollar.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I would go and buy my mom cards, and I would buy instead of buying myself something, I would buy her cards and just tell her how much I love her, how much I admired her, how much I just loved everything she did for us, and I seen it, even though I was the oldest, and but I was a kid, I can see what mama was doing for me.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: But it just seemed like none of that has never been enough for my mom.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe she's just been betrayed by her own parents that she doesn't feel they need to be different with her own kids, you know.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: I would have you know you would think that that would change people to want to be different, but I feel like my mom, as much as she says that she's let go of her past and she's let go of whatever the heck she's been through, I don't think she has.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because that is the why that is the reason why she is the way she is today.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: She hasn't let go of anything.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: She has my mom's carrying a lot of trauma, and I feel like my mom's carrying a lot of resentment, and she's in denial about it.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I having this conversation here?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't feel like I can have this conversation with my family in person.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: My family's not mature enough.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: They can all be old, as old as they can be, but mentally I don't think anybody's mature to have this and the these type of conversations, these type of uncomfortable uncomfortable conversations about the hurt that we have created within each other.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then when it comes to the sister-in-laws, you know, there's one in particular that for some reason she feels entitled to treat me like shit, and I don't even have a relationship with this woman.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know her like that.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And to be quite honest, I can care less to have a relationship with her because she became an enemy before even getting to know me.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I know this is because my brother is getting to her head, and I know it's because my brother's feeding shit into her head, and I know that's my mom also putting things into her head because that's my mom's favorite.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Which I can care less, you know, they've all been my enemies, so I can care less.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: They're not any perfect for me to allow them for me to be stupid and allowed how to allow all this time for them to get to me when they're you know, they're broken people.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I allowed even broken people to even get to my head where they're not we're not doing any better than me, you know what I mean?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not coming from a place of hate, guys, because don't get me wrong, I love my family, I would always love my family, I would stand up for my family if I need to, but it's just some there's just certain things that I feel like it's time that we fucking face it, that we face it somehow in some way, and it and I feel like a lot of families tend to fall into these routines, into these habits, and people just grow to hate each other when they can just pause for a moment and talk through everything, through the pain, through the hurt, but this all starts with my mom because my mom is the very first person to shut everything down, even when it comes to I don't know, us possibly you know, having a conversation to fix the family.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: My mom shuts everything down, she doesn't care to want to change the family dynamic, they're used to that, and they want to stay that way.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Well, at least that's what it seems like, you know what I mean?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, going forward, I don't think I want to spend the holidays with them anymore, and I'm okay with that, I'm at peace with that.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay missing out, I'm okay not showing up anymore, I'm okay with just backing up and just building my own life because they just continuously show me who they are and just they're not people I want to sit with no longer.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: They're not there for my good interest, they're not do they're not there doing any good for me at all.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: If anything, they've been the people that have held me down my entire life from growing.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it took me a while to accept that.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was a hard pill to swallow, guys, because I you know, growing up as a kid, up to when I moved out, like they were everything I knew.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it was kind of hard to let go of that and and and let go of the hope that maybe one day one day we would just love each other and be there for each other, but it just doesn't seem like it.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: It just feels like it gets worse and worse and worse.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if it has anything to do with, like I said, with my mother, or it has to do anything to do with the fact that my brothers don't feel the need to change, or if if if they're really with these women that are really this controlling, because let me tell you this: none of my sister-in-laws are that great of a people.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: The only one that I feel like she's a great person is my sister, my niece and nephew's mom, because she's an incredible mom, she's an incredible person.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's just she has no guidance either, you know.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: She's dealing with her own things on her own, too.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: She's the only one that I respect because she doesn't really get involved in people's business, she kind of minds her own.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Has she involved all of us in theirs?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, because she just wanted to be helped.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, family just tends to talk shit.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: But the women my brothers tend to choose are always women that are broken.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the way that I see it, they're women that they can groom to what they want.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because a lot of these girls that they're with, especially the ones they have now, they have a lot of mommy and daddy issues as well.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: So they dump that shit on my on my siblings, and then my siblings just tend to always, I don't know, dump it within each other, and then they let the wives control them.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that's the reason why I don't know, my mom has a problem with them being with this type of woman because not the women are pulling them away from their mom.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because, yes, my brothers really are mommy's boys, and uh I don't know, because my mom has had an issue with everybody, she's had an issue with all the sister-in-laws I've ever had, she's had an issue with all my partners actually, and I know that a lot of it with mine has to do because I'm gay, because they've never accepted that I was gay, they never have.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I understand that now, and that's the reason why I pulled away from my family, why I stopped showing up.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because I knew I was like, well, they're never gonna accept me as a whole, because they verbally told me we accept your last life only because you're related to me.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Only because of that.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: So to me, that their actions and what they say and what they show me proves that they don't really approve of my life.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Which I can care less because I've always been the type of person that I used to live my life happily no matter what.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I you know, it's just I don't know why my mom always has an issue with everybody, and it's with every single fucking person she has a problem with, and I hate that she's like that because my mom is not perfect, and she damn well knows she's not for her to be going around judging people and looking down on people, like if she's the Virgin Mary or whatever you guys want to call it, but it's just I don't like that about my family.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like that they think they're perfect, that they think they're better than everybody.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: What they want to know, they fucking have the deepest, ugliest secrets, and yet they can tear people down.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they tried doing that with my part, my current partner, and that's the reason why I keep my current partner away from them.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: My partner, I kid you not, my partner and I have been together for we've gone on together for four years already.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say my partner in the four years has only seen my family a good 10 times, and I'm okay with that.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: At first, it would bother me because I'm just like, why don't you want to build a relationship with my family?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so one day he told me, you know, I was like, I just don't feel safe with your family, you know, X, Y, and C.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't blame him because he was right.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: So when we started working on each other, and then I kind of started realizing, well, actually, just accepting who my family really is.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, I understand why now he doesn't like coming around.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm okay with it.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with it.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with it because I am not going to let my family get in between my relationship, especially now so with my partner, that him and I are really trying to rediscover who we both are together and grow together and evolve together.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, even though I have my moments, I don't want to be in a relationship for certain, you know, for certain reasons, like it's it's a beautiful thing that we have been growing together.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just it's it's crazy, you know.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like everything I wanted to do with my family, it's happening with my partner, and I'm accepting it now, you know.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I think my problem.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: My issue that I had with my partner was just the fact that he didn't want to get close to my family.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: But now, like I said, I I understand him more now why he doesn't want to.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, I don't blame him.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: My family is not anybody I would want to I guess bring people around.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's why I distanced myself all my life and make m made my own friends and made my own friends my family because they have been my protectors all all along, you know what I mean?
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it sucks, you know.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to have that family dynamic where we can all be together and close together, but it's just I closed that door a long time ago.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: I closed that chapter a long time ago.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care anymore.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't care to build a relationship with my brothers anymore.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care to be involved in anything of theirs anymore.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just simply feel like they pushed me away.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: For a very long time I felt guilty.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I was the one that pulled away, which I did, but they are the very reason why I became the way I had to become.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: To protect myself, to protect little Sergio, because that's all little Sergio has ever wanted all his life to this day, is just to feel loved and protected.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that's why I've always fallen into all these broken relationships, even friendships, throughout my whole life.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was always getting attached to what felt normal, what felt like home.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: But now I I see things different.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know things are different, and I accept the difference now, and I'm okay with that.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm okay with just being by myself.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you know the partner is dealing with his own things and we don't talk or stuff like that, like I'm okay.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm really, guys, like the peace that I have within myself now, guys.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Even I guess you know, surprised of you know, things that used to bother me years ago, things that used to like just trigger me.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like now I'm just like, oh okay.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just it's it's not that I don't care, I just feel like I'm just not there anymore, you know.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just it's I don't know if it's called growth, I don't know if it's exhaustion, like I don't know what it is.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't care anymore to give in into anything that is not serving me and my soul good.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I all I want to do now is just focus on myself and grow and just go after my dreams, guys.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've had so many dreams throughout my life, and I feel like a lot of my dreams have never really changed, it stayed the same.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that you know, a lot of people may not agree with you know what I'm trying to do with life, but it's what's it's it's it's what's what's working for me, you know, and I'm and my purpose.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what my purpose is, but that's what I'm trying.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's what life is about.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's trying to discover and try different things.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that's why I always wear a different type of hat throughout life, trying to, you know, try different things.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: I've done the makeup, I've done the singing, I've done this, I've done that.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like I like I don't know what I want to do.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to see which one lands.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what the discovery of life is, that's what we're here for, to live this human experience, guys, is for us to figure out what is that our soul is missing.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: And for some reason, with me, it has always just been love.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Love to accept love and to receive love and to give love.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the only way that I can think about doing that is just by fixing myself, honestly, healing myself and never changing who I am as a person.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: And just continue spreading love to those amongst that feel like they don't have a voice that have felt or are feeling broken, how I used to feel.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Also, potentially, you know, help other people.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: It has never been to it to intentionally hurt others.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is my life experience.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if I'm speaking about X, Y, and Z or things that have happened to me, and I'm sorry, but you guys are just part of my life, you guys are part of my hurt, and part of that it's accepting it and being vocal about it.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I spend the majority of my life not accepting it.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was in denial.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was in denial and in denial, and I kept showing up, and I kept, you know, loving and I kept forgiving and I kept showing up and I kept forgiving and I kept showing up until now I'm just exhausted, guys.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care anymore.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care to know what the fuck's going on in my siblings' life.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care to know what's going on over there anymore.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care to be invited to anything anymore.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I definitely don't want to sit at the same table with them anymore.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been that type of person that I can't fake the funk.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that was another issue that I had with my ex relationship, is that I can never fake it, I guess, when it comes to if I don't like you, if I don't feel any, you know, if I feel a bad attention from you, like I show it, like in my facial expressions.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why the fuck I stay home.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because I can.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot be there and fake it.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I have been faking it for so fucking long when it comes to my family to sit at the same tables, at birthdays, and barbecues, and then you know, I'm at peace here, and then I get over there, and then I always leave my mom's house feeling uneasy, feeling upset, you know, because they're always for some reason I'm always the target.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I, you know, I it's like I become the fucking, you know, that donkey in the wall where I just show up and all of a sudden it's like, oh, they start focusing on everything that I'm doing and talking shit about everything that I'm doing.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then they start doing it amongst each other, and it's just I can't.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can't anymore.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: My sister-in-laws don't even like each other.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: My sister-in-laws don't even like my other siblings, or some a few don't even like they don't even like me.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that is a lot of a lot of it has to do because my siblings push it in their head, which I don't I don't care because I have nothing to prove to them.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: Heck, one of the women don't even like my mother.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: And regardless of how I feel about my mom, I would always fucking protect my mom, and I'm always going to stand up for her because that's still my mother in the end of the day.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I've been asked to mind my business and I say anything.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, fine.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you like to be disrespected in your own home, even from people that are not even your own family, so be it.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: Don't fucking tell me your business, don't tell me your fucking drama, don't tell me how you're feeling because your little coon your little son's girl is doing this and this and that.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't fucking care.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to know anymore.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I pulled away.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I just don't care anymore.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's only at their convenience that they want you to get involved.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I I I can't do it anymore.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can't fake the fucking funk.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot sit in the fucking table and pretend like just at birthdays and holidays, we're a fucking family when literally let's see 360 days out of the year, we fucking hate each other.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: And we only pretend five days out of the year, which is the holidays, or sometimes for birthdays we get together.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can't fake it anymore.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can't be there with a bunch of hypocrites and just be like, oh my god, we're so loving, or or or oh my god, like what you're saying and doing, it's right.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because a lot of the ways that they are is not right, and there's it's not okay, but they're so beyond broken that they feel they're right.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, but the moment that somebody speaks up like me and tell them, like, hey, you're that's not the way to do it, all they can really do, guys, is just turn around and attack you and your insecurities.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why I just stay quiet now.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I mind my fucking business.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is why I don't come anymore.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I'm at peace now, not checking in with nobody.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at peace with minding my own fucking business.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because I really want to show them that I haven't been the issue because I hadn't even come around, and they still have problems.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: So that's should tell you a lot.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but you know, when it comes to his sister-in-laws, I don't I I I I try to keep a cordial with them because they're my brother's girls.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: One of them changes one every fucking year or so often, can't make up his fucking mind or even get himself together.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then the other one, you know, obviously she's dealing with uh her kids and and and this one, and then the other one, I don't know what I don't know why she don't even like me.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I never build a relationship with her, I never talk bad about her.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can care less about what's going on with them.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't know if it's called her Dembi bougie or they think they're better than everybody, but if this girl feels too comfortable talking down to me sometimes when I'm around her, and I know that a lot of it has to do with because this bitch is insecure herself because she's broken and she comes with her own little issues.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'll I'm I'll be stupid if I allow her to make me feel any type of way, which I don't, it's upsetting.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: And some of the times I stay quiet and I don't say nothing because she says some really dirty stuff, and I don't mean dirty like nasty, I just meant like dirt that I'm just like, how the fuck do you even know that?
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that it's my sibling, or I know for a fact that it's my mom telling her stuff, and I know that my mom, and I've only known because yes, even though my sister-in-laws may not like me, they tell me everything.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: They have told me that my mom badmouths about me a lot not only to them, but even to my siblings, and I it feels like I I I don't understand why they are like this when I don't do a single thing to my family, I have not done anything to hurt them intentionally.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: Besides putting one in jail, but I'm not going to get to that just yet.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'll get to it in one point, but I'll tell you that it was for a good reason and it was to protect my mom.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's all I'm gonna say.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm okay.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with it, guys.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with being the villain in their stories.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay being the bad person, I'm okay being the one that's being left out out of everything.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay being the one hated from all my sister-in-laws because they're not fucking perfect.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're as broken as them.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I and they're there dealing with them.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not gonna l make them think that they got into me when they they haven't.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: They really haven't.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's just that I don't feel like they should be in family business.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care even if you're fucking married into the family.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to family business, it's family business.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're nobody, you're you have your own family business.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I mean, I don't really care anymore if even if they listen to this and and and they're over there getting upset because I'm talking about it.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't care anymore, to be honest with you.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: You never have the best interest of me, anyways.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: You guys never protected me anyways, and this is not to say that I'm being bitter because I'm not.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the most happiest I have ever been now.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I'm the most peaceful I've ever been my entire life, and I think it's because I came to a lot to realization of a lot of things, I came to accept a lot of things in life, then I'm okay with it.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing that scares me is that you know, obviously me getting old and being by myself, but I mean that's just life.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's just life, guys.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like maybe that would be the case.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that it's not.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that maybe one day we can actually fucking sit down for once and talk as a family without the spouses and just let things out, and then sit these bitches down too and have them fucking figure their shit out and go fix themselves too.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because these bitches, uh-uh, they be acting way too comfortable, especially at other people's homes.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but uh it's just as of right now, I just don't care.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm too focused right now on myself.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like God has been helping me get through life, and I feel like God has been a lot, a lot, guys, a lot more present in my life these past few months.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I just want to focus in that.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want to continue focusing that.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: I want to continue to grow, I want to continue to disconnect myself, and I want to just go after my dreams.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: I feel them.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I feel they're really near.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: I just I feel like God's telling me like there's just certain things I need to work on and let go of before He can bless me with anything.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sticking with that.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sticking with that, and I'm not gonna let no one, including my own family, to take that away from me because it's it's it's mine, it's mine, you know?
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'm the most confident I've the most confident I've ever been in my entire life.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: The most confident mentally, the most confident physically, the most confident emotionally.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel very confident, guys.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just I don't know.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: I feel very confident and I'm just ready for the next big thing.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like this is why I'm dipping my toes into different things now.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um I stopped sharing Certain things with my family, certain things with my mom.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is this I've been keeping things with myself just because I feel like if you don't have the best interest in me, like I said, I don't feel the need to want to share anything with you anymore.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like it just isn't.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I just don't I hate that every time I come, like, and I know that a lot of it has to do because I always wanted my mom's uh approval, but every time I come to my mom about something, it's always a disappointment to her, even if it's something good, even if it's a good change or something, like it's always like, oh god, here we go.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's always like uh like like she doesn't want to deal with it.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I well, I don't know if she's like that with my siblings, but at least with me, she's like that with me.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't like it, you know.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: And at first for a while, it it it it it affected me.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: If it affected me, and I just now I don't care.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't care, and now I just I want to keep them to myself and I want nobody to put their bad juju in anything.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to keep a lot of my goals to myself, and I feel like a lot of my goals that I have been keeping to myself have been coming true.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, they actually have been working, it has been you know working in my favor.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I felt like okay, like maybe this is the secret of life is just to keep some shit to yourself.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are some certain things that my partner don't even know about.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: I keep I that I keep to myself, and they're not extreme secrets, they're just like goals that I feel like I don't want nobody to tarnish them because I know that a lot of people tend to say bad things out of anger, and I all know people tend to say things out of self-insecurity.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I also believe in the power of the tongue.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: I believe in the power of the tongue that if people put bad juju on your project or your dreams, it just never comes true, and then eventually that's when the insecurities kick in, and that's self-doubt.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: So now I've learned to just keep my mouth fucking shut and not share a single idea or a single dream or a single next step or nothing.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: The only person that knows my goals and a lot of my dreams and my next chapters and all that stuff is my therapist.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: She's the only one that knows everything because I release obviously everything with her, but but this is to say, guys, this is not to intentionally hurt nobody.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is not intentionally to to portray my family to be these ugly ass people because they're not, they're wonderful people when they want to, they have great hearts when they want to, they just have really bad habits, they have really bad habits that they need to break.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um they have a lot of trauma they're carrying that they I feel like my family needs to face.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think my problem was that I was trying to heal everybody at the same time that I was healing myself, and I had to accept that we are all going through our own healing journey, whether if it's happening now or if it's gonna happen to them in a year from now, or if just maybe they're never gonna heal, but everybody's in their own healing journey, and just because I'm already you know healing and trying to get ahead doesn't mean that they're they are mentally ready to do that.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, I just share this because I know that there's a lot of you that might have been dealing with the same things, and this is just to show you that it's I guess an everyday person's life, and it's okay to pull away, it's okay to be your own character, it's okay to protect your own peace.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I've always said this in all my episodes it's okay to be yourself, guys.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay not to interact with situations like that when it comes to family.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because, like they said, family is not always family, and I think that's the reason why I stay away from social media because we've always painted, like, oh my god, look at this, we're such a perfect little family, like the Kardashians and this family and that family.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's all just a marketing strategy, it's just to get you guys to get engaged, it's just to get you guys to buy into this, to get you to to to believe that life is perfect when you have money, and this is why everybody's so fucking miserable down here.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: When reality, guys, you don't fucking need none of this.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need all this materialistic materialistic bullshit, we don't need all the things that exist today.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like what what we're here for is to work on ourselves solely without the attachment of all the bullshit that humans have created around here.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we've normalized it, and this is why I feel like shit's going downhill now.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, look at how stupid society is now, given who's running the country, you know.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but like I said, this is not to make anybody look bad or make them feel bad, it's just to bring it up to their attention because I'm pretty sure they're listening, even though they talk shit, even though they say they haven't listened to it, I'm pretty sure they have listened to it.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: And and this is I feel like this is the only way I can speak up and talk to them.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because I I I don't even know, guys.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: And one thing that does bother me too is that my brothers feel they need to tell all their girlfriends all the time that not to talk to me.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it's only only to me, guys.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: Only to me when I'm literally the one that minds my fucking business.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: That literally minds my fucking business.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't get fucking involved in with none of their crap.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: So for my brothers to feel that insecure to tell their girlfriends that don't talk to Sergio.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe because I I I I don't sugarcoat shit for nobody, guys.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't sugarcoat shit for my family, I don't sugarcoat shit from my brothers' girlfriends either.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like when my brothers' ex-girlfriends used to come to me and tell me their problems, just like you already know who you're dealing with, dealing with.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: You knew who he was before you got with him.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you crying?
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you coming to me?
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a fuck.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, go deal with it.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want to be with him or you don't want to deal with it, then leave him.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing goes with my brothers.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: If they bring if they've ever if they have told me stuff, I keep it up front and real and real with them.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: I always tell them, you're fucking broken.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're dealing with mommy issues, you're dealing with daddy issues, you need to focus on yourself, you need to fix yourself before jumping into another relationship.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_00: Stop trying to find your mommy within another fucking female.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: Work on yourself.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've always told my brothers this when I've had this conversation with all three of them, because I've had this conversation with all three of them in person and over the phone.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are broken.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_00: We're all broken, we're all equally as broken.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: Go focus on yourself.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: Stop trying to get into this relationship.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is why you guys are fucking unhappy.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is why you guys are miserable.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it's is and and maybe that's the reason why they hate me, because I just keep it, I just keep it real with them.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: But it's it's true.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's true, you know.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can't, and I don't say like to like to hurt them how they hurt me.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it's just more like being the older brother, like keeping it real with them.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not gonna tell you, like, oh my god, you're perfect.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: Things will get better.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, things will not get better when we know who the fuck the problem is.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_00: We get with people with have that have issues because that's what makes us comfortable because we're so used to each other's toxicity.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_00: And we need to change that, we need to grow from that, we need to become better than that.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I guarantee you that if and when my brothers decide to do that, they will not be in the relationships they're currently in right now.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: They will probably be with someone else, or they'll probably be working on themselves and then get with someone else.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: That better meets their expectation their expectations.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because right now I feel like my brothers are all in a relationship because they're too comfortable, because that's what they're used to, which is each other.
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because they seem miserable with each other.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and at one point I feel like I started sabotaging my relationship with my current partner right now because of who my family is.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so I started realizing over a year ago, like fuck, like I'm carrying all this family trauma that I need to let go.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I don't fix this now, it would not only become an issue in this relationship, if I end up breaking up with this partner, it's going to become a problem in my next relationship.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it's gonna become what?
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: Another toxic fucking cycle.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why I fell into all these toxic cycles, like I said, with all these friends and all these exits, because I was settling for what I was used to, which is my mom and my brothers.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now I have a better understanding that my dad has never been the issue in the picture.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_00: Was he out of the picture?
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was just trying to find someone that loves him and and protects him.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_00: He always was also dealing with his own demons, but in reality, everything we know if we've learned from because my dad has been out of the picture for 30 years.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be honest.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: Everything we've learned has been from my mom.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_00: Everything we have been attached to, like the toxic ways and stuff like that, is because of my mom.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: And and I just simply want her to just recognize it.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: I want her to accept it, and I would just want her to, I don't know, mentally just change her way of being.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because life is young, and I don't hate my mom.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have any resentment towards my mom.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't like how she is sometimes.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: I disagree with a lot of the things that she does, a lot of the things that she does.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, that she says.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's upsetting, it's disappointing because it's coming from a parent, for someone older, someone they should already know better.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_00: And and and like I said, like you know, life is short, and the last thing I want to do is to live in this regret that I would have, should have, could have if anything ever happens to her.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I feel like I keep it cordial with my mom.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like I still, regardless of everything that has gone through between us, like I always try to be there for my mom and tell her how much I love her.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: I text her every fucking the morning, tell her good morning, I love you, have a blessed day.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: Even when she's upset with me, even when she was upset, guys, recently, recently, the thing she only has a guess is because she says that I left her in TJ, guys, when I really didn't.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was just because financially I couldn't afford to go pick her up in TJ, so I you know, obviously I had someone else pick her up in last minute, and ever since I just it she she has it over my head, and that happened almost two years ago, guys.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_00: That happened two years ago.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: So that goes to show you how grudgeful my mom is.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: So for her to tell me, like, oh I I let go of the past, girl, you can even let go of something that happened two years ago.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you fooling?
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: But um, but yeah, like I I don't like like when that when that happened, like I took maybe like almost a whole month of not talking to my mom.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: But the whole time I was hurting, I was sad.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, Why is my mom like this with me?
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why is my mom okay with not talking to me?
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why is my mom being resentful over something fucking stupid?
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_00: You made it home, you had a ride.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you being this childish?
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just I I just couldn't understand it.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it just it's just things like that that uh just reminds me how short life is.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this all happened right before my mother-in-law passed away.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like this, my brother-in-law has just passed.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_00: And and never since then, that's what made me realize that I don't want to be grudgeful towards my mom and my brothers to regardless of how they are, because life is short, you know, life is short, and I don't wanna carry that with me.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_00: But now I understand that a lot of the hate, a lot of the hurt, a lot of the damage that they tried to try to create, it's it has nothing to do with me.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's something internal they're dealing with, and that's why I don't hold it against them.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why I I love them, why I would always be there for them.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I gotta distance myself.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta distance myself to protect myself and my peace, and that's it.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um until I feel ready.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_00: Until I feel ready that you guys, you know, have made some changes or if I've seen that things have changed, but as of right now, I don't feel the need to get myself involved.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel the need to to feel like I'm missing out on anything.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel myself wanting to get be included in anything.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_00: I just it's just not for me.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's not for me because every time that we're there, like it's like they're always fighting, they're always bickering about something.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: My part my their couples are always just bickering about something, they're always fighting about something.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_00: Each each of them, each of each of my brothers are always arguing with their spouses about something every time we're there, and I'm just like, I can't do this, I can't do this because my partner and I don't do that.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, even my partner and I have showed up to family events, being fucking upset with each other, talking shit to each other from the moment we left to the house to the moment we get there, and the moment we get there, we take off that mask and we put a different mask on, and we're smiling.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: We walk in, you know, obviously with each other, happy.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_00: Hey babe, would you like me to serve you?
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like me to this and this and that?
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because your business is your business as opposed to stay with just you guys.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: My partner and I don't share, we don't try to put our drama out there because, like I said, it's no one's business.
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think the only thing I have ever done in front of my family is like I've was at one point, yes, when I first started dating my partner, I didn't like I didn't want him drinking because I because for certain reasons there's something that happened there between me and my partner that I'm just like I was just more of like a protection thing that I was just like don't don't do that, you know.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_00: But after a while, I I I I realized and I told them like I can't protect you.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: I can't protect my partner.
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them, like whatever fucking decision you make in live, you're gonna do it regardless.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you cheat, whether you talk to someone, whether you do drugs, whether you drink, you're gonna find a way to do it.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_00: So why the fuck am I gonna waste my time and energy, you know, stressing over you when you're still gonna do it?
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, you know what I mean?
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I stopped caring and I'll just like you know, do your life and I'll do mine.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like and for a while I know that my partner got upset.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Oh, you don't care, and this is like it's not that I don't care, it's just I refuse to lose myself over another human being.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I didn't allow my family to get me to that point, why the heck am I gonna let a partner do that to me?
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, go fix yourself, like like go get therapy, like go.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is why when people are like, oh my god, I'm going through stuff, poor mean.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, no, you're you're there because you want to.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because people can you can literally get yourself out of situations if you really wanted to.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's just me being harsh, I don't know.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_00: But with me, it's just I just don't, I don't know.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just I I maybe it's because no one has been there for me that I just don't care.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it is, it's just for me, it's just like, bro, if I can do it, you can do it.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've gone through really bad downfalls.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the only thing you can fucking do, guys, is just push through.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I've cried, yes.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've haven't been depressed, absolutely, but I still showed up to work, I still show up to I still showed up to family events when I when I was going through stuff and I faked it.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like my family, there's a lot of things my families don't know that I still know I still came over and and pretended to be okay.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just I don't know, guys.
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know where this conversation is even going.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_00: But um, but yeah, just to close this, guys.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let others opinion about you change who you are.
• 52:13
  SPEAKER_00: Continue to be yourself, but don't be grudgeful, don't be hateful, don't let other people's ways of being change you and make you just like them.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_00: Continue to have a great heart, continue to love, continue to forgive, just be smarter, be wiser, and protect your peace.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with it.
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with pulling away with from family, there's nothing wrong with building your own life.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: There really isn't, guys.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that's gonna take a while to adapt to that change once you're there.
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I'll I'll tell you this, it gets easier.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_00: There's literally a rainbow of the other side of the hill.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_00: There really is.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_00: It might take some time, but remember that a lot of the things that happen in your life, even people that happen in your life, it's for a reason.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's it's for you to evolve and grow and learn.
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_00: But it's up to you if you want to even pay attention to that sign.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's up to you if you even want to make those changes.
• 53:18
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on what's going on around you, and I guarantee you, you'll start to see patterns, you'll start to see the synchrony of numbers, so you'll start to see the synchrony of the universe, and life will start to make a lot more sense.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like a lot of you will actually wake up and see how materialistic and fake this whole world is.
• 53:40
  SPEAKER_00: But it's only when you guys are mentally ready.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_00: I can't I can't tell you guys that um that everything's gonna be perfect because it's not.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like with my family, I don't even know where we stand anymore.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I I just feel like now I'm just letting people I'm just letting them do their own lives.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_00: I just gotta stop involving myself.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_00: I I gotta stop thinking that I'm everybody's hero when I'm not.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that's just where I'm at now.
• 54:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just learning to love myself more than I love them.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm learning to put myself before them.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, I would always love my brothers, I would always love my mom, I would always respect them.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I guess I just don't fit in with you guys.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I'm just not there with you guys anymore.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope that one day we're able to sit down and actually be a perfect I know not perfect, but at least be a joyful and happy family.
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because I do miss that.
• 54:47
  SPEAKER_00: I miss that a lot, and I and I that's all I've ever wanted in life.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been a family person, and it's just I'm tired of I'm tired of making what's going on now normal and thinking that we're family when we're not.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, guys, don't forget to stay positive.
• 55:11
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to love yourselves and keep pushing in life.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, guys, like I've always said, life is not that serious.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_00: So just grow and heal and dig in deeper, guys, and just come to acceptance of a lot of things so changes can start flowing through your life.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_00: I love you guys.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.