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Lia Allen: The Moment I Almost Gave Up · Why I Believe

0:01
Hello and welcome back to Why I Believe.
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I'm your host Michelle Von Ruden and today I'll be chatting with Leah Allen.
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Leah, can you give us a brief introduction of yourself?
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Sure.
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ah name is Leah Allen.
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I'm actually from the East Coast in case anyone is interested from Pennsylvania and I am a marketing strategist.
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I would like to say I'm a relationship marketing strategist.
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So what that means is that I help people network effectively so that they're in the right room saying the right things and getting the right results.
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So that's what I do.
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And it's funny because I was just going through some boxes and I found my old um one of the.
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Spiritual gifts inventory and one of my spiritual gifts.
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It was so cool.
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I mean from like we're talking 30 years ago was uh Exhortation and I'm like I'm doing exactly that.
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I'm in marketing.
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I'm sharing the good news.
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So I love it
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That's awesome.
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And you mentioned 30 years, but about 30 years ago, you said you were born again.
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Can you tell us a little bit about that and what you mean by that?
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Sure, it's really like 30, 35 years.
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I should have the date.
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I actually have a certificate from when I was baptized somewhere.
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But uh I was in a really dark place.
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I literally was driving down the road and thinking about driving off a bridge.
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I was in a really, really dark place.
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My life was out of control.
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I was out of control.
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I was drinking, doing drugs.
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I had a business.
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On the outside, everything looked
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Like I had it all together, but that's not what was going on internally.
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And I don't know what stopped me from driving off that bridge.
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I actually had a plan to drive off that bridge, but something stopped me.
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And then I ended up talking to a friend who found me a counselor to get some help.
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And during that counseling time, first of all, I identified that I had some demons, if you will, that I was dealing with, and it was causing me to uh numb myself.
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And when I came out of that counseling, I found myself at a church.
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And at this church, I found some incredible people who loved me as I was, even though I felt ugly and unlovable.
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And they gave me a safe place to land.
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And during that time, I really accepted Jesus.
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Like I thought I had accepted Jesus before, but I did not.
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So this was the time when I really accepted Jesus.
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uh
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It's been a, you know, initially it was a roller coaster ride because you have your ups and your downs, especially when you're dealing with alcoholism and drug addiction and all
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this stuff that goes around it.
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But once I got through that, I really believe God took it away from me.
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I remember one day just it wasn't there anymore.
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Like there was never even an instinct to drink or drug.
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I am so clean of it.
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It is such a blessing.
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And I know that God removed it from me.
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Wow.
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Well, first I want to say thank you for seeking help and not following through on your plan.
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mean, that takes real courage, real courage to say, okay, I need help and I'm not going to do what I thought I should do.
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I'm going to go try something else and reaching out because that's one of the hardest things to do is reach out and ask for help.
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absolutely.
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And I'm a girl from the Bronx.
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I don't ask for help.
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A girl from the Bronx who doesn't ask for help.
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So what made you reach out to your friend?
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I knew she was going through a hard time oh also and I had remembered her saying that she was in counseling so I just asked her what she was doing and she pointed me to her
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counselor and it's interesting because her counselor was a secular counselor, wasn't a Christian organization and he was the kind that really called it like it was so he didn't
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play games.
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He's like, know, what were you doing when all this was going on?
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I was hanging out doing the same thing.
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um He was real and that's what I needed and God knew what I needed.
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So I love that about God is that he didn't give me a soft, foo-foo person who was just going to say what I wanted to hear and listen to my words.
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He called me out on my stuff all the time and I really, really needed that.
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Oh, I think that's so vital.
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What you said is that you knew your friend was going through something she had shared with you that she sought help.
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Right.
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And I think a lot of times what I've heard is that when people are going through alcohol and drug addiction, that there's some shame associated with that.
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Right.
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And you don't want to, you don't want to say that you don't have it all under control.
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No, and honestly, was considered, I mean, I was on the board of directors of the chamber of commerce in my area.
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I mean, I was kind of what they consider a mover and shaker.
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So the last thing I wanted was people to know that I was a broken human, right?
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That I had issues.
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wanted everybody to think I was okay.
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And I was so not okay.
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So it was, it was the most humbling time of my life.
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I've seen that so many times where people have looked towards their achievements for their identity.
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Right.
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And I think that happens really a lot in high achievers.
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We look for all the things that we've done and accomplished.
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And but we have this void and we still like we're trying to fill it.
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We don't really know what to fill that with.
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And, you know, some of us turn pick a bad habit, pick a vice.
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Right.
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Gambling, food, alcohol, drugs.
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Right.
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There's so many of them that we can pick.
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But we're all trying to fill this void.
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And I know for me, I couldn't fill that void until I came to terms with like, I need to be feeding my origin, which is a child of God, right?
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Instead of feeding all of these extra things that are earthly and worldly and not of his design.
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Exactly, exactly.
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It's so easy to get caught up in the world and not realize that this is a spiritual battle, not a physical battle.
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I'm happy to see that he brought you through all of that.
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But there are times, and I've said this so many times on the podcast, there times where we're like, okay, now we've accepted God, he's part of our life, everything's gonna be
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smooth sailing.
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Yeah, not so much.
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So Jim and I were, I was married to my husband.
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We've been together 44 years.
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So we went through this together.
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He had his own journey.
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I had my journey.
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And for a while we actually separated during this time because we both were broken, right?
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So he wasn't a believer.
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I wasn't really a believer.
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I sort of grew up in the church.
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He sort of grew up in the church, but
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We didn't understand that personal relationship with God that everybody really longs for that emptiness.
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um On the other side of this, we were able to work through a lot of stuff and came back together as a stronger couple.
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We learned what behaviors were not working and what was causing a lot of it, right?
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But then life happens, right?
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So there were consequences for my actions.
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I had some bills that got
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needed to get paid because I made bad choices and all of those were like reminders of the crap that I created if you will during that crazy time and um it was hard because I wanted
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God to just like fix it like you know you said you'd fix everything and it's not fixed right but he wants us to walk through it with him and that's what I learned is that he
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doesn't take stuff away he gives us the strength to go through it with him and that's
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the lesson I needed to learn.
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Everyone has different lessons.
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I think the hardest lesson that I had to learn and it took many years.
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I mean, I'm not talking 30 years.
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I'm talking like, I'm still working on this one every single day is surrendering to him because surrender has always been a challenge for me.
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So every time I feel myself doing something in my own power, which is what I do a lot is I remember,
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God, this is yours.
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I don't need to do this.
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And I put it down and I let him help me lift it.
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And when I do that, I am so much more, if you will, powerful and so much stronger during those times.
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But I still every day have to make that choice to do that.
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Yeah, and that's difficult for somebody who was used to being in control all the time and, you know, working towards whatever they wanted for themselves and for their family.
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So how do you do that?
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How do you say, okay, need Leah, you need to stop.
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This isn't about you.
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This is about God.
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Change it.
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And how do you do that?
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Honestly, it's it's uh not a conscious thing that goes on like all of a sudden I'll be in the middle of doing something and then I go What right now is a really good time.
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We're trying to buy a new house Our goal is to create a multi-generational home and I'm the kind of person who once I make up my mind it's a done deal and I just keep moving
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forward and
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But there are other people involved in this conversation.
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There are other people involved in this decision.
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And I have a timeline in my head, but not everybody's on the same timeline.
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So I have found myself feeling really frustrated with the process because it's not happening the way it's supposed to happen, which is my way.
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learning to let go of the process, learning to let go of how it's supposed to do and just know that
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that God has the end in mind.
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So even just this weekend, I was at a ladies retreat and we had a time to pray and inter-flect.
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And during that time, I gave it back to God because I keep trying to pick things up because that's how I do things.
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I'm a fixer, I'm a doer and learning to just say, okay, God, this is yours.
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If you want this to happen, it's going to happen.
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I'm just going to keep moving forward one step at a time, packing a box, going through my things and decluttering and downsizing.
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And I'll say, I'll do it one step at a time.
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But at the end, it's God's decision where we end up and how we end up.
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And so that is going to be for me.
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I think this whole process has been about me remembering to let go and let God.
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Mmm, let go and let go, that's so good.
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Mmm.
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Yeah, I think it's always a process because even, you know, one of the things that you mentioned is that, you know, you thought you knew your faith beforehand and you thought
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your husband knew the faith.
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You guys kind of grew up in the church and as one of my previous guests said, you know, they inherited their faith and then they chose it.
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So during this whole time when you and your husband separated, did he also come back with a faith too?
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He did actually, and uh if anything, he's the one who pushed us more forward because I was actually going to a Bible-believing church for a little bit during this crazy time.
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But somebody told me in the church, well, you can't be a Christian and depressed.
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And so I started questioning my faith because in his world, it was an old school, old man, Christian, and he basically said, I can't be depressed.
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But I was, I was really depressed.
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I didn't know what was going on.
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So I started questioning whether I was a believer or not.
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So I didn't go back to that church.
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um But my husband found a church because, and he needed a big church because he wanted to kind of get lost in the church.
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He didn't want people to see him.
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He wanted to be there, but not be seen, if that makes any sense.
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And I was in a small church where everybody knew everybody.
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So he didn't want that.
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So we ended up going to this big church and for a long time it served our purposes.
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We loved it.
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um
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We ended up finally having children after 16 years of being together.
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And we started to raise our boys in that church.
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And then at some point we got to the point where we needed more meat and not as much milk and honey.
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And so that's when we left that little, that big church and went to a smaller church where there was intimacy, where there was real dialogue and conversation and where God for us
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showed up.
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So, you know, I feel like one of the things that I have learned about my journey is that it is a journey.
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ah There is a moment of conversion, if you will.
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I do believe that there's a moment where you make a decision, but it's not like you make a decision and it's done.
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You got to keep making that decision all the time.
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You got to keep making a choice to follow Jesus, to change your ways.
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And what I love about God is that he is so gentle and so
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caring that he does it in ways that helps us get through it.
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Like if he gave me the Bible and said, okay, memorize this.
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And when you've got it down, come and become a believer.
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It wouldn't happen, right?
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But he gives us one thing at a time.
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He, it's like an onion and he unpacks, takes off the layers.
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And so initially there were certain things that I said, I'm not going to do this anymore.
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But then there were other things I was like, oh, you mean that's not okay too?
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Like it took me time.
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to figure out what are the things that were holding me back.
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And once I figured that out, I did it a little at a time.
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He didn't just, you know, give me the whole list of this is what you need to do to be a believer, because the truth is there's nothing I have to do but other than believe in Him.
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But He does give us a sweet life when we make choices to live a more holy life.
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And that's the process we're all in once we make that decision is letting go of things that don't serve us.
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maybe adding things that would serve us and knowing when to do that.
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that's awesome.
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Yeah, you know, with so many times that we forget that we have to get our reps in, right?
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And all the things that we do, we want to get some, you know, when we talk about our kids, we're like, I want to get better.
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Okay, we have to practice.
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And that's true of their faith, too.
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It's true in all the things that we want to do.
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Yeah.
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when I say that, I don't mean like works, because I don't believe that works are going to get us into heaven, if you will.
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But I do believe that God gives us the strength to live holy lives.
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uh But that requires us to be open to that.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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So you guys had two kids, right?
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Two boys?
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Yeah.
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So one's 26 now and one's 23.
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And even after the kids came, didn't stay easy.
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You mentioned one time that you experienced what you would consider a modern miracle or an answered prayer.
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What was that for you?
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there were so many.
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was trying to think, cause I know that was part of uh one of the conversations there.
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So when I first got saved.
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We were going through a difficult financial time and I literally had no food in the cabinets.
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I had a box of oatmeal and some water and I forget what else in the cabinet.
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I think I had maybe a few eggs.
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It was so bad.
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We were down to like the dregs and I thought, how am I going to do this?
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And I literally had someone show up at my door with two bags of groceries that day when I was praying to God and
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I just asked for God for help on how to feed my husband, because it was just the two of us at the time.
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And um it was a coworker who said she was like early, she was very young, she was probably in her early 20s, still living at home.
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And she said she won groceries and her house was full of groceries.
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So she went and shopped and she said, who can I give this to?
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And she thought of me.
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Now I don't know how that really played out.
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I don't remember, I mean, it's so many years ago, I don't remember if I was mentioning how tight things were or if I had mentioned that I didn't have a lot of food.
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I don't remember that, but I do remember that the miracle was that I had food to eat.
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And I always tell people when they're going through a hard time, I said, God never leaves you nor forsakes you.
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And I have never gone without a meal because God has always provided.
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Another time was when our electric got shut off.
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This really gives me an emotional moment because um it was just we went through a lot of hard times, a lot of tight times.
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And this was even after I was a Christian.
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I'm like, I don't understand.
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It's supposed to be easy, right?
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But it wasn't.
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And my husband was working two jobs.
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We were trying to make ends meet.
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was just so both my boys were diagnosed with celiac.
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So feeding them was extremely expensive.
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So a lot of our money went towards
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special needs of feeding them.
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And that's why our
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sorry Leah, can you explain what Celiac says for those who may not understand?
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Yeah, celiac means that they can't eat or um be around wheat, gluten, um rye, barley.
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There's a bunch that fall under that category.
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And when they do eat it, they get very sick.
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And so that started when my son was six and we've been dealing with it ever since.
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And I remember at one point I was looking at our food budget.
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It was over a thousand dollars a month just to keep them fed because they were so hungry all the time.
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And that's part of the celiac thing is that their body can't absorb the nutrition properly.
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I was trying to figure, you know, that's why we're having such a hard time.
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wasn't that we were bad with our money.
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It's just, was only so much money to go around and feeding my boys was the number one thing.
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So anyway, my electric got shut off and we were at a soccer game with a homeschool group that my kids were in.
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And I mentioned to my pastor's wife, she said, are you okay, Leanne?
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I said, no, I'm not.
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When I got to the park with the kids, my gas light came on.
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And I just thought, that's like a kick in the pants, man.
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Not only did my electric get shut off, but I can't, now I'm not even sure if I can get home.
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I was very upset, but I was trying to keep it together because the boys don't need to know what's going on, right?
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You don't let your guys know.
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And my pastor's wife just handed me money, cash to put gas in my car.
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And I figured out a way to pay the electric bill by making a few phone calls and juggling a few things.
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And the electric went on, I think the next day.
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But I just remember thinking God was right there in that moment because we were at a soccer field and my pastor's wife was there and she was so compassionate and so loving.
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And she handed me cash to put gas in my car and she made sure that I got home safely.
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And the electric went on.
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And God just takes care of all our needs, you know, talks about the, what the birds of the sky that he loves them and he adorns them, right?
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Well, he loves us even more.
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So even if we go through hard times, I believe that he allows those times to first of all grow us, but also to show his power.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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So things eventually got better, right?
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And how are things today?
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How are you walking in your faith today?
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How are, how has your life changed?
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Gosh, that is so cool.
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God is so good.
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um I don't worry as much as I used to.
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I was such a stressed person.
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I walk today in faith, complete faith.
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I know a peace that surpasses all understanding.
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It doesn't mean life didn't get hard.
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The hard times didn't stop coming.
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They did.
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But God was there always.
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And I knew he was there before they happened.
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So I can give an example.
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Five years ago.
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When COVID hit, went through probably the biggest, most hairiest time of my life.
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My husband lost his job during COVID.
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My dad was dying of congestive heart failure, so I had to quit my job to help take care of my dad and my mom.
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um We put him on hospice.
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He finally died in April.
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And then the following October, my sister had a medical emergency and passed away.
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after days in ICU.
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And I remember just thinking like it was just this heaviness in the middle of all of this, God gave us a business to start because we decided, well, my husband lost his job.
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What do you do?
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So he started a business.
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So in the middle of all of this, we're starting a business and doing all this crazy stuff throughout the whole.
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Oh, I forgot.
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So my dad died in April in June.
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I was lifting my dad a lot because he couldn't walk and I was putting him into the wheelchair and all of that stuff.
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I blew out my eye and I had a detached retina.
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I had to have major eye surgery where you put your head in a thing for five days, you can't lift your head up.
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It was the craziest time.
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And my mom took care of me because she, it was like to me a gift for my mom.
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It gave her a distraction to stop thinking about my dad because she was taking care of me.
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So when I look back on it now, I see the blessings in all of that.
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And then my sister passed away.
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And I remember the end of October thinking, I don't think I have another ounce of energy left to do anything.
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I slept on the couch.
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I was exhausted.
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We had to clean up my sister's apartment by the end of October.
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We didn't have much time.
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The rental place was really not very kind.
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And I remember going to a networking meeting that I went to and I asked, does anybody know the good mover?
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And I explained what I was going through and then I came home.
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To this day, I don't know who did this, but I got a call from a mover who said somebody had paid for the move.
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All I had to do was schedule it.
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I'm telling you, God is so big that he shows up in ways that you can't even imagine.
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And in that moment, I knew everything was going to be okay, and I was going to be okay.
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And I just kept putting my foot, one foot in front of the other until I came out on the other side.
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I didn't completely fall apart.
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Like if that had been my old self.
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I would have been drinking, drugging, who knows what I would have done, right?
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But it didn't even occur to me.
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I was just like, okay, I need to ask for help.
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I need to do this.
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I became very pragmatic.
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And my church family came around me and brought meals and took care of us.
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And I just knew that I was well loved and taken care of here on earth and up in heaven.
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And uh if I had not had my faith, I don't think I could have survived those years.
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Less than a year later, my mother-in-law became ill and we did hospice with her and took care of her.
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So it's just like God gives you the strength that you don't even know that you have.
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Yeah.
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Well, that's a lot to go through in a short time.
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It is.
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So congrats to keeping it all together and all the right ways.
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Right.
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I we're going to fall apart.
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We're going to grieve.
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We're going to have those things, but you didn't turn back to your vices, right?
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Which, you know, I think there comes a point in our lives where we have to make a choice.
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We either walk towards God or we walk away from God.
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But, you know, as we talked about earlier, you have to get your reps in.
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And so those challenges are going to keep coming at you.
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Right.
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and you gotta make that choice consistently.
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every day and sometimes every minute.
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Yeah, if there's anything that you would want to share, what do you want someone to take away from this today?
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um I guess no matter what you're going through that there is an answer that God is always there and even if you're a believer sometimes we get challenged and tested and it doesn't
24:00
mean that you're not a believer just means that God is just continuing the process of allowing you to he never does things to us, but he does allow things to happen and I've
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just believed that God is always there
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You are never alone.
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I do believe that God never forsakes us.
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And just lean into Him.
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And the other thing is if you don't have a church community or a fellowship, please find one, because that to me is the magic.
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I mean, you can have a great faith with God and do it alone with God.
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He will do that with you.
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But it's so much better when you have a church community alongside of you.
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And that made a huge difference for me.
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Absolutely, community is so important, all the things that we do.
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So thanks for sharing that.
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All right, my final question for you, my friend, is what is your favorite Bible verse?
24:49
What are you walking through these days?
24:51
Well, I always have loved Proverbs 3, 5, and 6.
24:54
Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
24:57
Lean not on your own understanding in all your ways.
25:00
Acknowledge him and he will direct your path or make your path straight, depending on which version you read.
25:06
Yes, absolutely.
25:09
Well, that's awesome.
25:10
But I think you've done a good job of walking that.
25:13
So congratulations to you.
25:15
And thanks again for making the choice to seek help.
25:19
That's really important.
25:20
So I'm happy you're here and that we got a chance to talk today.
25:22
So thank you so much.
25:23
Thank you.