Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Have Imposter Syndrome
Transcript
- Lucas: You know that feeling when you walk into a room and you're absolutely certain everyone else belongs there and you don't? That you're about to be found out as someone who doesn't actually know what they're doing? Luna: Oh, I think every single person listening just nodded. That's imposter syndrome in a nutshell. Lucas: Right. And here's the problem: that feeling doesn't just make you anxious—it actively stops you from seeking mentorship. A 2023 study from the Journal of Vocational Behavior found that people with high imposter syndrome are 40 percent less likely to reach out to a potential mentor, even when they know it would help their career. Luna: Because you're afraid that if you ask for help, you'll confirm you're a fraud. I've been there. Lucas: Exactly. So today I want to talk about a counterintuitive move: leading with vulnerability. The idea that admitting uncertainty doesn't weaken your ask—it actually strengthens it. Luna: I love that. But Lucas, doesn't that go against every piece of advice about 'fake it till you make it' and projecting confidence? Lucas: It does. And that advice has its place. But mentorship is a different animal. When you're asking someone to invest time in you, they need to see that you're self-aware and coachable. A mentee who pretends to have it all figured out is actually harder to help. Luna: So what does leading with vulnerability look like in practice? Lucas: Let me give you a specific example. I talked to a senior engineer at a large aerospace company—let's call her Priya. She's been in the industry for about eight years, but she felt stuck. She wanted to move into a technical leadership role, but she was terrified to ask the VP of engineering for mentorship because she thought he'd realize she didn't know as much as he expected. Luna: Classic imposter spiral. So what did she do? Lucas: She used a script I've recommended before. She said: 'I'm working on a project that's pushing me outside my comfort zone, and I have a feeling you've faced similar challenges earlier in your career. I'd love to hear how you navigated that uncertainty. Could I buy you coffee for 20 minutes?' Luna: She admitted uncertainty explicitly. And it worked? Lucas: The VP said yes immediately. And later, he told her that her honesty was refreshing. He said most people try to impress him, but he can't really mentor someone who's performing. He needs to see the real challenges. Luna: That's powerful. So the vulnerability actually built trust instead of undermining it. Lucas: Exactly. And Priya ended up getting promoted six months later—the VP became her sponsor. But it started with that one conversation where she let down her guard. Luna: I think a lot of us worry that if we admit doubt, the potential mentor will think we're incompetent. But what you're saying is the opposite—they see someone who is self-aware and serious about growth. Lucas: There's actually research on this. A 2021 paper in the Academy of Management Journal found that mentors rated mentees higher on potential when the mentee disclosed a specific area of weakness and asked for help, compared to mentees who presented themselves as fully competent. The key is that the weakness has to be relevant and framed as something you're actively working on. Luna: So it's not just 'I'm bad at this'—it's 'I'm working on this and I think you can help.' Lucas: Right. The frame matters. You're not saying you're hopeless. You're saying you have a specific gap and you respect the other person's expertise enough to ask for guidance. Luna: That's a big shift in mindset. But what about people who feel like their imposter syndrome is so deep that they can't even get to the point of asking? They're paralyzed before they start. Lucas: That's real. And I'd say start smaller. Don't ask for a mentor—ask for a single conversation. Frame it as: 'I'd love your perspective on one thing I'm wrestling with.' That lowers the stakes for both of you. You're not committing to a long-term relationship. You're just asking for 15 minutes. Luna: And often that one conversation leads to more. Because the person sees your potential and wants to keep investing. Lucas: Exactly. And if the conversation goes well, you can say something like: 'This was incredibly helpful. Would you be open to me reaching out again in a few weeks?' That's a low-pressure way to build a mentoring relationship over time. Luna: I also think there's a role for peer mentorship here. Sometimes the fear of approaching a senior person is too high, but you can find someone at a similar level who feels the same way—and you coach each other. Lucas: Absolutely. That's a great bridge. But I want to circle back to something: a lot of listeners might think, 'I have imposter syndrome, so I'm not ready for a mentor. I need to fix myself first.' That's exactly the opposite of the truth. Luna: Say more about that. Lucas: Mentorship is one of the most effective ways to overcome imposter syndrome. Because when a respected leader takes you seriously and invests time in you, it gives you external evidence that you belong. Their belief in you can slowly overwrite your self-doubt. Luna: That's a really hopeful message. So if you're listening and you feel like a fraud, the thing to do is not to hide—it's to reach out. Lucas: Exactly. And I want to give you one more concrete example. I worked with a marketing manager at a consumer goods company—let's call him James. He had been passed over for a promotion twice, and he was convinced it was because he wasn't good enough. He almost quit. Luna: Ouch. What happened? Lucas: He finally agreed to meet with a senior director he admired. And in that meeting, he was honest. He said: 'I've been passed over twice, and I'm struggling to understand what I'm missing. I'm starting to doubt whether I belong here.' The director didn't think less of him. She said: 'I'm glad you said that. Let me tell you what I see.' Luna: That's the moment everything changes. Lucas: It did. She pointed out that his work was strong, but he wasn't visible enough to the leadership team. She became his sponsor and helped him get a stretch assignment. Six months later, he got the promotion. Luna: And none of that would have happened if he hadn't admitted his doubt. Lucas: Right. And that's the pattern: vulnerability opens the door. Visibility and sponsorship walk through it. Luna: You know, speaking of visibility and support—I think a lot of our listeners have found that this podcast itself has been a kind of mentor, helping them think through career moves. And if we've helped you, one way to keep this conversation going is to support the show. We're ad-free and listener-supported, and you can do that at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, that's a great point. Even a small contribution helps us keep producing episodes that dig into these real career challenges. And we truly appreciate everyone who's been part of this community. Luna: Alright, back to imposter syndrome and mentorship. So Lucas, what about people who have actually been successful and still feel like frauds? The ones who have the promotion, the title, but still feel unworthy. Lucas: That's incredibly common. In fact, some studies suggest imposter syndrome peaks not when you're struggling, but when you've just achieved something big—because now you have more to lose and you're afraid you'll be exposed. Luna: So the higher you climb, the harder it can be to ask for help. Lucas: Exactly. And that's why having a mentor at a similar or higher level is so critical. Because they can normalize those feelings. I've had senior executives tell me they still feel imposter syndrome when they walk into a boardroom. Hearing that from someone you respect is incredibly validating. Luna: So if you're a senior person listening, maybe consider being more open about your own doubts. It gives permission to others. Lucas: That's a great point. Leaders who model vulnerability create a culture where mentorship can thrive. And that benefits everyone. Luna: Alright, let's make this actionable. For someone listening right now who feels imposter syndrome and wants to find a mentor, what's the one thing they should do this week? Lucas: Write down one specific challenge you're facing—not a general 'I'm not good enough,' but something concrete like 'I struggle to present data to executives.' Then identify one person in your network who excels at that. Send them a short message: 'I'm working on improving how I present to executives—your presentations are always so clear. Would you be open to a 15-minute chat about how you approach it?' Luna: Short, specific, and honest about the gap. Lucas: Exactly. And if that feels too scary, start with a peer. The goal is just to take the first step. Luna: I think that's the key takeaway: imposter syndrome wants you to isolate. Mentorship wants you to connect. And connection is the antidote. Lucas: Well said. So next time you feel like a fraud, remember: that feeling is a sign you're growing—and the best thing you can do is ask someone who's been there to show you the way. Luna: Thanks for joining us on The Career Mentor Podcast. We'll be back next week with another conversation.