Latest / Uncluttered and Unfiltered: The Podcast For Women Over 50 / DOWNSIZING WITH DIGNITY: HELPING AGING RELATIVES WHILE AVOIDING FAMILY DRAMA

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DOWNSIZING WITH DIGNITY: HELPING AGING RELATIVES WHILE AVOIDING FAMILY DRAMA · Uncluttered and Unfiltered: The Podcast For Women Over 50

• 0:04
  Welcome to Uncluttered and Unfiltered, the podcast urging
• 0:08
  you to let it go and don't look back, with nationally acclaimed
• 0:12
  professional organizer Christine Stone and self-proclaimed Hot
• 0:17
  Damn Mess radio and TV personality Eden Kendall.
• 0:22
  Welcome to Uncluttered and Unfiltered with a podcast for
• 0:24
  women over 50. My name is Eden Kendall.
• 0:27
  This is Christine Stone. She is a professional organizer.
• 0:29
  I'm professionally unorganized, but it works.
• 0:33
  It works for us. It does.
• 0:34
  And we have an episode that delves into something that a lot
• 0:39
  of us are facing and we're going to talk about downsizing older
• 0:42
  relatives and probably even your parents.
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  And it's fresh on our minds because today on the local
• 0:50
  lifestyle and entertainment television show that I Co host,
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  Christine was a guest and she talked about this very thing.
• 0:56
  So it's fresh on our minds. We are going to talk about that.
• 1:00
  But first, we haven't really touched base since the holidays,
• 1:05
  other than we recorded another episode, right, we did.
• 1:08
  So don't try to put this all in a timeline, please.
• 1:11
  But we didn't really talk in that episode about Christmas.
• 1:13
  Yes. So how was Christmas?
• 1:14
  Good. You know what?
• 1:15
  It actually went really well. OK, because you were the guest.
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  I was the host. Well, I ended up cooking most of
• 1:23
  the meals, so I kind of took over in that realm still because
• 1:26
  she has a new, new baby. The baby's three months old, so.
• 1:29
  For those who missed the episode, we did a whole full
• 1:31
  episode called When the Host Becomes the Guest.
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  It was about Christine was going to not be hosting Christmas for
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  the first. Time.
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  Ever. Ever at her home and she was
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  going to go to where her daughter lives with her new
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  baby, her toddler and husband. OK, so you said it it.
• 1:47
  So I'll start off by saying it was great.
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  We had an Airbnb right down the street from her so we could walk
• 1:54
  to her house. So that was key because it was
• 1:57
  just so easy to go grab the toddler or go over there and
• 2:01
  relieve her. So it worked out great.
• 2:04
  I'm going to tell you what I loved most about it though was
• 2:07
  when I got home I didn't have to clean up anything but like like
• 2:12
  3 little things that I had done. And I can't tell you, I don't
• 2:16
  know if it's just me, but it was so refreshing.
• 2:20
  And I didn't realize how much I would love that part because
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  when they come to visit me, I go all out.
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  I mean all out. And because there was going to
• 2:30
  be no one. It's just me and my husband.
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  I'm like, who am I going all out for?
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  So to come home, it was amazing. I mean amazing.
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  And it just, I got to go right into the new year and just I
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  loved it so. But everything went great and I
• 2:49
  really enjoyed myself and I think I behaved myself too.
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  I think I was really on my best behavior.
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  Well, we have discussed possibly having your daughter on, yes,
• 3:01
  sometime to and she said she loved it.
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  OK, good. Well, we'll we'll get that all
• 3:05
  arranged. That will be fantastic.
• 3:09
  Good. I'm so glad that that happened.
• 3:11
  I had a story I wanted to share with you.
• 3:13
  It's unrelated to any of this, but it did happen just very
• 3:16
  recently. It was our son's birthday and we
• 3:20
  took him and also his girlfriend, his beautiful
• 3:23
  girlfriend Abby, out to dinner. It was Chloe was out of town.
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  So it was just the four of us, my husband and me and Noah and
• 3:30
  and Abby. So it was a it was a nice
• 3:34
  restaurant we were headed to. They're in my car.
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  Abby and Noah, who are in their 20s, are in the back seat.
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  My husband is in the driver's seat.
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  And of course, like usual, I'm the last one to get to the car.
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  The minute I cross the threshold of my house into the garage to
• 3:49
  then get in the car and then it's to me.
• 3:51
  My phone has attached to car play.
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  Oh my God. And I was listening to a ROM com
• 3:58
  a a a book, a romantic comedy book that had witty banter,
• 4:03
  which is why I chose it. But it also had some extremely,
• 4:07
  extremely steamy explicit sex scenes, which is what was
• 4:13
  playing. Oh my gosh, when?
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  I got in the car, so I want you to picture my son and my son's
• 4:19
  girlfriend, Abby and my husband in the car and immediately on
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  the radio, loud is this. And the narrating is always so
• 4:28
  quenchy, you know, for those scenes, it is a man's voice.
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  So I took down her lace panties. And it's going on and on about
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  this very outrageous, sexy. And I'm losing my mind and I
• 4:42
  can't get it to turn off. I'm trying on my phone to get it
• 4:44
  to turn. Off yeah, I never know.
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  I'm trying on my. Radio so I finally reach over,
• 4:49
  Steve is backing the car out and I turn off the ignition.
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  He lost his mind, lost his mind. The argument that ensued I.
• 5:00
  Mean he. Was obviously right, but he did
• 5:03
  end up having to take back, you know, saying that it was dumb.
• 5:06
  Like I said, I did a dumb thing. I'm not dumb, you know well.
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  But it was probably because he's thinking from the man brain like
• 5:13
  you're going to ruin the transmission.
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  Or, you know, not from our brain.
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  Our brain wouldn't even think that.
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  And he's like, what if we were on the highway?
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  I'm like, we wouldn't have done it.
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  Right, if you're on the highway. On the driveway and I'm losing
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  it. I'm so embarrassed and I know
• 5:26
  how dirty this book gets. You know I.
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  Mean you're just yeah, see, even technology gets you in the car.
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  It's it's out to get me. Because I never know.
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  I would never know how to turn my car, my phone off from
• 5:40
  connecting to the car. Because once you do, you never
• 5:42
  get it back. I swear.
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  Well, I ever I. Usually I plug it into
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  something. It just decided Bluetooth was
• 5:49
  the way to go and it just decided to entertain the troops.
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  It was really, really embarrassing.
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  So that was my little story from this past week.
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  Yeah, well, at least you read, I mean, or listen, that's true.
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  You know, oh, and, and, and Speaking of getting older, and
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  we're going to talk a little bit about memory and things like
• 6:09
  that when it comes to your aging parents and downsizing.
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  But I did have a very senior moment, as they used to be
• 6:15
  called last night. I turned on my shower, got it
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  really nice and hot, started doing some other.
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  Things I've done this. Well, in the course of that, my
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  husband told me he was going to run up to the grocery store.
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  So then my daughter calls and I'm Facetiming with her, and in
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  my mind I'm getting more angry that my husband is taking up all
• 6:33
  the hot water in the shower, which he's not in because he's
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  at the grocery store. And then he calls me from the
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  grocery store and it rings in because I'm on the phone anyway.
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  And I'm like, how is he calling me?
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  OK, I'm the one using all the hot water.
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  I had that shower running at least 15 minutes.
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  You don't understand how happy this makes me because I always
• 6:56
  feel alone when I do things like that.
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  Now when I forget that I've done it could be anything.
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  I can leave the show. I've left the shower on before
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  and forgot and just went about vacuuming and doing laundry and
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  then I'm like what's that noise? Oh my God, I forgot I'm running
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  the. I was literally getting hot
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  under the collar at him for for taking such a long shower.
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  What if I didn't have any hot water to use?
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  Which is really very rarely an issue, but.
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  Yeah, I think you know what I call this though?
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  When you have too much on your brain, like too much going on
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  that you forget about something that's not really that
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  important, like, you know, taking a shower or whatever,
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  when you're talking and Facetiming and I it's
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  multitasking, but something gets, you know, thrown to the
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  side that's embarrassing. So that's yeah, it's crazy.
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  Anyway, OK, so like we mentioned, you were on our
• 7:51
  television show today and you talked about making space for a
• 7:58
  new chapter. Yes.
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  And by that we mean your aging parents are downsizing.
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  Your great Aunt Bertha is going into a retirement home.
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  Yeah. You know, it could be a lot of
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  lot of different things. So there's a lot to that, and
• 8:14
  there's a lot of anxiety and there's a lot of heartbreak.
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  Well, this is like a trending thing right now.
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  So many people are going through this because we live so much
• 8:21
  longer and so they're dealing with aging parents.
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  And in the past couple years, I've had so many adult children
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  call to help them get rid of all their parents stuff because they
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  have to go into assisted living in over 55 community or they're
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  just downsizing to like a one or two-bedroom condo apartment and
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  they can't take a household full of stuff in a house they grew up
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  in probably 30-40 fifty years they lived there.
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  So it's a real task. And when you're dealing with
• 8:58
  adult children and elderly parents, it can get very, very
• 9:03
  heated sometimes because you're wanting the parent that you used
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  to know and they're not really there anymore.
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  I mean, they're at a different phase of their life.
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  And I'm not talking just if they have dementia, if they don't
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  have dementia, just they don't have the energy.
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  They don't have, you know, it, they're making a huge change in
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  their life and they don't like it.
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  So there's so many things wrapped around it.
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  And, you know, it's hard to think about people not having
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  the energy. But just recently, I was in a
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  circumstance where I was like, I just don't have the energy for
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  this conversation. And it was about something very
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  mundane around the house. Sometimes you just don't have
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  the energy to address even the simplest decisions, right?
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  So. Let alone big ones.
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  Let alone big ones. So you've put together 6 tips
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  that I thought were so spot on. So let's run through these 6
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  tips. And it started with one that I
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  think everybody can use at any stage of their.
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  Decline, right? That's true.
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  And that is? That is before you even start
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  know where the items that you're getting rid of are going.
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  If you don't do that, it ends up just being in piles all over the
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  house and it causes more stress. It doesn't make the situation
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  better. It makes it worse, especially
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  for the person that you're decluttering, which is a mom, a
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  dad, whoever it is, because they will pick through that, they
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  will have regret. They will say, now wait a
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  minute. I, I, you know, or a family
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  member will come over and say, why are you getting rid of this
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  and make them feel guilty and then they'll want to put it
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  back. So it's so important.
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  Where are you donating? It?
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  Is a relative coming over to take some of the furniture?
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  Are you consigning items? Are you, whatever you're doing
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  with them, have a system and I like to use the painters tape,
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  post it, note whatever you want to do to have a system on who is
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  taking what so it doesn't get confusing.
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  If you're doing a donation pick up and you don't want them to
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  take something that you're giving to a relative.
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  You want to have this really planned out and I can't tell you
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  how how important that is. So that's the first thing.
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  Don't even start the project till you decide where
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  everything's going. OK.
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  Because if you were to just say this plant right here, it's not
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  going to stay. If you put it a pile with
• 11:27
  something else, then you have to sort twice because now you have
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  that other pile you have to go through and say, OK, but of the
• 11:32
  things I'm not keeping what goes where this time you're just
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  immediately going gift, donate, right?
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  Throw out it's it's usually keep, donate, give to family and
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  friends, whatever you don't want but you think it's valuable
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  enough to give to one of your family members in junk removal.
• 11:50
  I mean you want to keep it very simple.
• 11:53
  Do not give too many categories really make it simple.
• 11:57
  And also having a staging area, whether it's a garage for me, I
• 12:02
  prefer a garage unless it's the heat of summer.
• 12:04
  Then I usually pick a different place because we're in Florida,
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  but having a garage where you take things that you do not want
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  or a guest bedroom, someplace you could stage it so that
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  everything is in one place. Having things all over the place
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  will just get to be a disaster as the process moves on.
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  So having a staging error. The next thing is when you are
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  dealing with elderly parents, you need to go small.
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  You need to do small areas and complete them, whether it's
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  start with just one bedroom and nothing else because their
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  stamina is not going to last long and it they get frustrated.
• 12:46
  So you need to pick one area at a time.
• 12:50
  It will take longer. So know that it's just reality
• 12:55
  though. You cannot go in there and say
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  we're going to do the whole hike.
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  It's too overwhelming and you're forgetting how emotional this is
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  going to be. So start with one area and
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  finish it and know that you have have to work in shorter windows
• 13:10
  when it comes to decluttering a house that you're dealing with
• 13:14
  older people. OK.
• 13:17
  So that's one. Going back to setting realistic
• 15:15
  expectations, it's really hard to know how much emotions going
• 15:20
  to come into this until you start going through things.
• 15:22
  I see it all the time because it's my business, but people are
• 15:26
  always so shocked how 1 little thing can stop you in your
• 15:30
  tracks. You could have to talk about it
• 15:32
  for 20 minutes. There's a story behind it, so
• 15:35
  just be realistic on how long this is going to take.
• 15:39
  That's why I always tell people if you need to be out of a place
• 15:43
  in three months, start early. Don't wait till the end because
• 15:48
  it's going, whether any, anytime, whether you're moving,
• 15:52
  dealing with elderly parents, you want to start early.
• 15:55
  Don't wait until the last minute because emotions always get
• 15:59
  thrown into it. So especially with all the
• 16:03
  sentimental items. And then you're going to have to
• 16:05
  figure out what to do with those sentimental items that they want
• 16:10
  to keep. So do you want to create a
• 16:12
  memory box for them? Do you want to take a picture
• 16:15
  for them and let it go and make a photo album for them?
• 16:18
  Whatever it is, Decide ahead of time what you're going to do
• 16:21
  with all the sentimental items. Does some, does a grandson want
• 16:25
  it or somebody else in the family want all this memorabilia
• 16:29
  from their child? Whatever it is, decide where
• 16:32
  it's going to go. OK, So we've got realistic
• 16:36
  expectations. We're starting small, we're
• 16:39
  making a plan. And then we took a break on the
• 16:42
  TV show there. So that's why we kind of
• 16:44
  naturally were like, hmm, let's pause.
• 16:47
  OK. So moving, moving forward, now
• 16:51
  we're back at it and what's next?
• 16:54
  In order to get through this, you need to ask guided questions
• 16:58
  and that means you want to ask, have you used this in the last
• 17:01
  year? Will this work in the new place
• 17:03
  you're moving into? Will it fit?
• 17:05
  These are questions that are simple.
• 17:08
  Sometimes yes or no. Or if it's a maybe then you will
• 17:12
  have a maybe pile and it's OK to have a maybe pile and go back
• 17:16
  and revisit it. If you are successful at this,
• 17:19
  the maybe pile will become A to go pile.
• 17:22
  I've seen it all the time. Once they really get rolling and
• 17:26
  they see how happy the decluttering has made them, then
• 17:30
  the the maybe pile becomes usually A to go pile.
• 17:34
  So asking guided questions will help you get through this and
• 17:38
  celebrate the progress. I cannot tell you, especially
• 17:42
  when you're dealing with people of a certain age really
• 17:46
  celebrating. Oh my gosh, look at that.
• 17:49
  We did the whole entire garage. This is amazing.
• 17:53
  Tomorrow we're going to tackle this because you did such an
• 17:57
  amazing job. You may act like, well, it
• 17:59
  sounds like you're talking to a child.
• 18:01
  It's sad that you're talking to a child, but everyone likes to
• 18:04
  see they've accomplished something and they want to know
• 18:07
  that. They want to feel like the day
• 18:09
  wasn't wasted. They want to know that, oh wow,
• 18:12
  we did my whole entire bedroom. I can't wait till tomorrow when
• 18:15
  they we tackle the Home Office or the kitchen.
• 18:18
  You really want to really celebrate the milestones.
• 18:21
  I, I and I do it all the time and it really does work, really
• 18:26
  does work. And of course, last but not
• 18:29
  least, hire a professional organizer.
• 18:33
  I cannot tell you how experienced we are in this and
• 18:38
  we are not emotionally involved. So we can step back and we can
• 18:43
  kind of be the mediator. And I just had a client and her
• 18:47
  daughter and this worked wonderfully.
• 18:51
  She was so happy to not have to do the things that is my job.
• 18:57
  Like I'm the one that made sure everything was donated and went
• 19:01
  to where it was going to go. She didn't have to worry about
• 19:04
  any of that. If her mom got stuck on
• 19:07
  something. I was the one that could give
• 19:08
  the questions and really give the nudging and it worked
• 19:12
  perfectly. So if you really really do not
• 19:16
  think you could do this and you want like the referee, the
• 19:20
  person in the middle, hire a professional because of their.
• 19:24
  What are some things that you should ask someone if you're
• 19:28
  considering hiring them for this particular kind of
• 19:31
  organizational project? Should you, you know, maybe ask
• 19:35
  them if they've experienced this particular kind of thing before?
• 19:40
  The only reason I asked that is because, you know, there are a
• 19:42
  lot of reality TV shows out there and there are somewhere
• 19:45
  they'll portray an organizer as someone that's, you know, Iron
• 19:48
  Fist and don't you dare put that back.
• 19:51
  And then there are others that are just more gentle and you
• 19:55
  know your relative better than anyone from the outside so.
• 20:00
  So that's a good question and the reason why that's a good
• 20:03
  question because I have people ask me, So what is it like, what
• 20:09
  it what, what are the steps? And also they give me the
• 20:13
  information I need. Like if you're going through
• 20:16
  with someone over 556575 that has memory issues that are now a
• 20:22
  concern, whether it's the start of dementia, Alzheimer's,
• 20:26
  whatever it is, the organizer needs to know that because
• 20:30
  that's a big deal on how you're going to handle the situation.
• 20:34
  Because they generally remember things like from the past that
• 20:39
  they can remember everything from the past.
• 20:42
  It's just 5 minutes ago, 10 minutes ago, an hour ago they
• 20:46
  have a problem with. So that makes it even harder
• 20:50
  because they love the memories. Those are good times for them.
• 20:55
  Those are something that I can't tell you how many times you're
• 20:59
  dealing with someone who starts crying who and then you're
• 21:03
  getting like all teary eyed because you're a human being.
• 21:06
  And so you really do want to know what is going on.
• 21:11
  Are they mad they're moving out of the house they've been in for
• 21:15
  50 years? That's something you need to
• 21:17
  know too because you don't want to go.
• 21:18
  Come on, let's get this show going because that's not the way
• 21:21
  to handle that. They don't want to move, but
• 21:24
  they have to move. So you need to know all these
• 21:27
  things things when you are hiring a professional organizer
• 21:30
  and you need to meet with them for a consultation before you
• 21:34
  hire them to make sure your personalities mesh.
• 21:38
  I always say that because every organizer is different and does
• 21:41
  things in a different way and you want to know that you can
• 21:44
  kind of click with them. Have you ever had a scenario?
• 21:47
  And I'm totally putting you on the spot right now.
• 21:50
  We have not talked about this. Have you ever had a scenario
• 21:53
  where you sat down with somebody and they were the one hiring,
• 21:56
  but it's somebody else they want to get organized and you had to
• 21:59
  tell them, listen, you know, I'm not going to go in there and
• 22:02
  just pound my fist. We're not going to do it in a
• 22:05
  bullying fashion. Oh yeah, absolutely.
• 22:09
  Also, I have people who I meet with and they don't want to get
• 22:14
  rid of anything. Yeah.
• 22:15
  And I'm like, well, I that will never work because mostly 100 a
• 22:23
  hundred, not even 99.9 a 100% of the time if you don't get rid of
• 22:28
  things, you're not going to be happy with me.
• 22:30
  And the end result, because it's always about having too much
• 22:33
  stuff that you no longer need or use or want or even like.
• 22:38
  And only until you're getting into it.
• 22:40
  Do you know, oh wow, she was right.
• 22:43
  And I've been doing this for over 15 years.
• 22:46
  So I, that's one thing I do know and that's why I think a
• 22:50
  consultation is so important because when someone says, well,
• 22:54
  I don't want to get rid of anything, then I always end up
• 22:57
  saying then when you are ready, you know where I am, feel free
• 23:01
  to call me, but I don't want you to just be disappointed at the
• 23:06
  end. I want you to be super, super
• 23:08
  happy and say, wow, I couldn't have done this, this is great.
• 23:12
  And you won't be if we get rid of absolutely nothing, you just
• 23:15
  won't be. So yeah, I'm, I'm honest, but
• 23:18
  I'm not, you know, fist up and get rid of that.
• 23:22
  And that's one thing I think people are really surprised
• 23:26
  about, at least me. I don't know about other
• 23:28
  professional organizers. They think I'm going to come in
• 23:31
  and tell them to get rid of everything.
• 23:32
  And when I don't, when I say, you know what, I think you need
• 23:36
  to keep that. I think that's something you're
• 23:38
  going to, right getting rid of. They're like shocked because
• 23:41
  they think my job is just to go in and tell people to get rid of
• 23:44
  everything. And it's not.
• 23:46
  It really isn't. It's to get rid of what you
• 23:49
  don't need and reorganize so that it's functional and creates
• 23:54
  peace. And you know what I mean?
• 23:56
  Just creates a home that you feel peaceful in.
• 23:59
  You can enjoy what you have more, right?
• 24:02
  But it's not surrounded by 10 things that you don't.
• 24:04
  Even. Yes, exactly.
• 24:06
  Exactly. But they kind of need to.
• 24:09
  Tell. You so OK, this is an
• 24:12
  organizational thing. So if you go back in our
• 24:15
  catalog, you'll see that a while back Christine helped me
• 24:18
  organize my closet. And one of the things she did
• 24:20
  was put in a little drawer system in the closet.
• 24:23
  That was a lot of my workout clothes.
• 24:25
  Because at that time, the way I lived my life was I went to work
• 24:29
  in the morning at a radio station.
• 24:31
  I wasn't on TV. There was a 2 1/2 year period
• 24:35
  where I didn't do TV. So in the mornings, my day, I
• 24:39
  put basically workout gear on, went to work at a radio station
• 24:44
  and went to the gym and did all these things.
• 24:46
  So that's how we did it. Well, my life is different now,
• 24:48
  right? And so the other day, I thought,
• 24:50
  why am I in the morning leaving my closet to go to get my
• 24:56
  hosiery and my underwear and what I'm going to be wearing for
• 25:00
  dressing up my earrings and all of that?
• 25:03
  Why am I doing this? So I made a swap.
• 25:06
  I love that. In the course of it, I purged.
• 25:08
  Yeah, but I made a swap. And now that drawer has things
• 25:12
  that I need to get ready for work in the morning, and all of
• 25:16
  my workout clothes are on in a dresser in another room.
• 25:20
  And I packed that the night before.
• 25:22
  So. And how are your mornings now
• 25:24
  that you did that? So much nicer.
• 25:26
  I'm still in the very beginning phases of getting used to it.
• 25:29
  Yeah, well, it does take only been a week.
• 25:31
  Back to work since the holidays so I'm in the very beginning
• 25:35
  phases but so I've had I've forgotten a few times, but the
• 25:39
  few times that I have remembered it's like a Oh my gosh, how
• 25:42
  exciting my bra is right here in the closet with the rest of my
• 25:45
  outfit. Well, the new year is the best
• 25:48
  time to do that by the way. You you look at what is my year
• 25:52
  going to look like now? Like you said, you used to work
• 25:56
  where you could go and work out clothes.
• 25:59
  Now you have to dress up. So what is your life like now?
• 26:03
  Your closet should reflect that. So if you used to, you know,
• 26:07
  work in a suit for a company or you know, and now you work from
• 26:11
  home, you should declutter your closet and really make room for
• 26:16
  the things that are going to work for the life you're living
• 26:19
  now. Sometimes you just have to think
• 26:20
  about the logistics. Right, exactly.
• 26:24
  I hope thank you listen. I learn and I grow from from
• 26:28
  this podcast in our sincere hope is that you do as well.
• 26:31
  And you may have learned in another episode that our goal
• 26:34
  for this year is to double our numbers of listeners so that we
• 26:37
  can grow our community. And the way that you're going to
• 26:40
  help us with that would be sharing us with just one friend,
• 26:43
  one sister, one cousin, your college roommate, whoever.
• 26:47
  Just tell us, tell one person about us.
• 26:49
  They don't have to love us, but they can at least hear about us.
• 26:52
  Yes, that would be great. So thank you.
• 26:54
  And if we reach our goal by this time next year, we're going to
• 26:58
  have a party. We're.
• 26:59
  Going to have a big party that's going to want to buy like plane
• 27:01
  tickets and get booked. Up.
• 27:03
  It's going to be great. Have a DJ?
• 27:05
  Come to Florida, play the oldies.
• 27:09
  Yes, play 70s disco. 70s and 80s and then also it will start at
• 27:14
  5:00. Yes, and be done by 8.
• 27:17
  Yeah, so, OK, remember with all things things, whether it's, you
• 27:22
  know, holding onto a tchotchke just because it, it makes you
• 27:26
  remember something that you didn't even enjoy doing back
• 27:29
  when it when it happened. Right.
• 27:31
  You can let it go. And don't look back.