Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / Why New Managers Fail at Career Coaching
Transcript
- Lucas: If we've helped you think through a career move or decision, I want to ask for a small favor. Honestly, if today was worth a coffee to you, that's the link — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It keeps the show ad-free and lets us keep digging into these details. Luna: Yeah, every little bit helps keep the lights on here. Thanks for listening, guys. Lucas: Let's get back to it. So, I was reviewing some exit interview data from a mid-sized tech firm last week, and there was one pattern that kept repeating. People weren't leaving because of pay, and they weren't leaving because of bad culture. They were leaving because they felt invisible. Their managers knew their names, sure, but they didn't know their trajectory. And that got me thinking about how we talk about career development in those early ninety days of management. Luna: Right. Because most new managers are so focused on hitting their own quarterly targets that they treat career talks like a box-checking exercise. Like, just fill out the form and move on. Lucas: Exactly. And it creates this weird paradox where the person who was promoted for being great at execution is now expected to be an expert at navigation. But navigation requires empathy and foresight, which are different muscles. When a new manager tries to coach someone they used to sit next to, they often default to giving advice based on what worked for them personally. Which is usually wrong for the other person. Luna: That makes sense. You can't prescribe the same medicine to everyone just because it cured you. Some people want to stay technical specialists, others want to manage. A one-size-fits-all approach fails instantly. Lucas: Spot on. The problem is that new managers don't have a framework for that differentiation. They see a direct report and they assume that because they were ambitious, everyone else should be too. Or worse, they assume that because they struggled with work-life balance, no one else should either. It's projection masquerading as mentorship. And the result is that high-potential employees leave because they feel stuck in a role that doesn't fit their actual ambitions. Luna: So how do we break that? Do you start by asking them what they want, or do you lead with where the company needs them? Lucas: Neither, actually. You start by mapping the gap. Before you even talk about five-year plans, you need to understand the current state of their skills versus the requirements of their next potential role. It's less about dreams and more about diagnostics. Most new managers skip the diagnostic phase because it feels unstructured. They jump straight to goals. But goals without context are just wishes. Luna: I like that. Diagnostics first. It feels more objective, less emotional. Like you're looking at data rather than feelings. Lucas: It is data-adjacent. You're looking at competency gaps. For example, let's say you have a developer who is incredibly fast at coding but terrible at documentation. As a new manager, your job isn't to tell them to stop coding. It's to show them that if they want to move to senior architect, documentation is a hard requirement. You connect the behavior to the outcome. That’s the leverage point. Most managers just say, 'you need to improve your writing.' That’s useless advice. Saying, 'this is what blocks your promotion,' is actionable. Luna: That’s a huge difference. One feels like criticism, the other feels like strategy. It changes the whole dynamic of the conversation. Lucas: Precisely. And this is where the relationship with former peers gets tricky again. If you’re managing someone who was your equal six months ago, they might resent being told what they need to improve. They remember you making mistakes too. So the credibility gap is real. You have to earn the right to give that feedback by showing that you’re not judging them, you’re investing in them. Luna: But how do you show investment without taking up all your time? New managers are already drowning in operational work. Lucas: You structure it. You don’t wing it. There’s a specific type of meeting I’ve seen work really well called the Growth Sync. It’s separate from the weekly status update. In the status update, you talk about what’s done. In the Growth Sync, you talk about what’s next. Ten minutes, twice a month. Just ten minutes. You review one skill, one project, and one obstacle. That’s it. It’s low friction for you, high value for them. Luna: Ten minutes is manageable. It’s not another hour on the calendar. And it forces you to be concise instead of rambling about general vibes. Lucas: Exactly. Conciseness is key. Because when you ramble, you reveal your own insecurity. You’re trying to sound wise. When you’re concise, you sound prepared. And preparation signals respect. It tells the employee, 'I’ve thought about your future before we sat down.' That builds trust faster than any grand speech ever could. Luna: I’ve definitely seen managers try to play therapist during those chats. It always feels awkward. Keeping it structured probably saves everyone from that cringe. Lucas: Absolutely. Therapist mode is for outside the office. Your job is to be a strategist. Think of yourself as a consultant hired by the company to optimize the employee’s output and satisfaction. You’re not their friend. You’re their advocate within the system. That distinction matters. It allows you to be honest about market realities without being harsh. Luna: Advocate within the system. I like that framing. It removes the personal element from the tough conversations. Lucas: It does. And it helps when you have to deliver bad news. Like, 'you’re not ready for that promotion yet.' If you’re framed as the advocate, you can say, 'Here is exactly what you need to do to get there. Here is the timeline. Here is my support.' It turns a rejection into a roadmap. Most new managers just reject the request and hope the employee goes away. That’s a failure of leadership. Luna: Yeah, hoping they go away is the worst thing you can do. It breeds resentment. Giving them a roadmap gives them something to fight for, even if it’s hard. Lucas: Fight for is the right word. Ambition needs fuel. If you cut off the fuel, the engine stops. But if you give them the right octane, they’ll run further than you imagined. The mistake new managers make is assuming that silence means agreement. It doesn’t. Silence usually means disengagement. Luna: So checking in isn't enough. You have to actively probe for that engagement. Ask specific questions about their progress on the roadmap. Lucas: Yes. Don't ask 'how are things going?' Ask 'did you complete the module we discussed last time?' or 'what blocked you from finishing the draft?' Specificity drives accountability. Vagueness kills momentum. And momentum is what keeps people employed. People leave when they feel stagnant. They stay when they feel they are moving forward, even if slowly. Luna: Movement over perfection. That’s a good mantra for both the manager and the direct report. Lucas: It is. And it reminds us that career development is iterative. It’s not a one-time event. It’s a series of small adjustments. Like steering a car. You don’t turn the wheel forty-five degrees to change lanes. You make micro-corrections. Your job is to help them see the road ahead clearly enough to make those corrections. Luna: Micro-corrections. I think that’s the antidote to the overwhelm new managers feel. They think they need to solve everything at once. Lucas: They do. And that paralysis leads to avoidance. They avoid the hard conversations because they think they need a perfect solution. But there is no perfect solution. There’s just the next step. And your job is to help them take that step. Not carry them across the finish line. Carry them. That’s micromanaging. Guide them. That’s leading. Luna: Guide, don't carry. Simple rule, but easy to forget when you’re stressed about your own deadlines. Lucas: Especially then. Because when you’re stressed, you revert to command and control. It’s the path of least resistance. But it’s also the fastest way to lose your best people. They don’t want to be commanded. They want to be guided. Recognizing that shift is the hallmark of a mature manager. Luna: So the takeaway is really about shifting from commander to guide. Using those short, structured check-ins to keep the momentum going. Lucas: Exactly. Structure the conversations, map the gaps, and provide the roadmap. Let them drive. You’re just holding the map. And if you do that consistently, you won’t just retain talent. You’ll build a team that trusts you enough to tell you the truth when things are going wrong. Which is the only way you survive your first year. Luna: Trust built through structure. That’s a powerful way to end the conversation. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. Let’s see if our listeners can put that roadmap to work this week.