Latest / Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin / EPISODE 19: Military Parents - These 5 Strategies Build Confidence When You Leave
Transcript
- 0:00Speaker 1: Deployment time. Let's turn stress into smiles with practical tips
- 0:04Speaker 1: for kids and caregivers left behind.
- 0:07Speaker 2: Welcome to Parents Talk, the podcast for parents who want
- 0:10Speaker 2: to raise confident, resilient kids and build strong self esteem.
- 0:14Speaker 2: Hosted by Francine Jelene aka Princess Francie and founder of
- 0:19Speaker 2: the Confidence Club for Kids. Each episode gives you actionable
- 0:23Speaker 2: parenting tips, tools and strategies to help your children thrive,
- 0:28Speaker 2: break the cycle of negative childhood programming and grow and
- 0:32Speaker 2: is self assured empowered adults. Let's get started.
- 0:36Speaker 3: Jody is writing a series of books called Soldier Mom. First,
- 0:41Speaker 3: I'm going to give Jody the mic for a few minutes.
- 0:44Speaker 1: And I want her to talk about her books.
- 0:46Speaker 4: Okay, thank you, Francine, and I'm really excited to read
- 0:49Speaker 4: here today. So first of all, we're having a great
- 0:52Speaker 4: time at the Military Infhones conference also called Mike but
- 0:56Speaker 4: this is our first time here and we are enjoying
- 0:58Speaker 4: every minute of it. Just wanted to spend a little
- 1:00Speaker 4: time with you to talk about some things that are
- 1:03Speaker 4: really important to us, so real quickly, I wrote a
- 1:06Speaker 4: couple of books, all of them with the Soldier Mom title.
- 1:09Speaker 4: But there's some subtitles, and this one is about Memorial Day,
- 1:12Speaker 4: and then I have.
- 1:13Speaker 1: One about heroes.
- 1:14Speaker 4: And you're going to see why I want to talk
- 1:15Speaker 4: about both of these based on our conversation today.
- 1:20Speaker 3: Okay, Soldier mom is so cool because Jody's been deployed
- 1:27Speaker 3: before and she's a mother, so she could give parents
- 1:31Speaker 3: a really good perspective on what to do if you
- 1:36Speaker 3: are a deploying soldier, sailor airman. KOSTI, what are we forgetting?
- 1:44Speaker 3: I think we hit them all.
- 1:45Speaker 1: Marine? Do we hit them all? I think we get.
- 1:48Speaker 3: But any service out there, we don't mean to disrespect you,
- 1:52Speaker 3: but well you know, I was Navy, an Army. Jody
- 1:55Speaker 3: was army. Sometimes we forget about the other services. But
- 1:58Speaker 3: that's besides the point. Are you deploying? Has your significant
- 2:03Speaker 3: other deployed? Has your children's other parent deployed? Maybe aunt, uncle,
- 2:11Speaker 3: grandparent deployed? How can we help families when there's a
- 2:18Speaker 3: deployment somewhere in their.
- 2:22Speaker 4: Mist So I think it's important if parents don't already
- 2:26Speaker 4: know what it means to be deployed, right, So, a
- 2:28Speaker 4: deployment for a military person usually means that they are
- 2:32Speaker 4: no longer in their home station. They are somewhere else.
- 2:36Speaker 4: So there is a difference between a mobilization and a deployment. Right,
- 2:39Speaker 4: deployment usually means overseas. Mobilization also means gone, but maybe
- 2:43Speaker 4: they're in the United States supporting in a different role.
- 2:47Speaker 4: Either way, it means that some parent is not there,
- 2:51Speaker 4: or maybe a caregiver. Maybe it's grandma or an uncle,
- 2:54Speaker 4: and maybe they live with them, but somebody significant in
- 2:58Speaker 4: their life is gone for an extended period of time.
- 3:01Speaker 4: And we're talking it could be anywhere from goodness, three months,
- 3:04Speaker 4: which doesn't seem very long, up to a year, sometimes
- 3:07Speaker 4: even a little bit longer. So they're missing a lot
- 3:09Speaker 4: of birthdays, anniversaries.
- 3:11Speaker 3: Holidays, all these plays, school plays, big games, graduations, all
- 3:16Speaker 3: these things that are significant events in our kids' lives.
- 3:21Speaker 1: So what do we do to help them? And then
- 3:24Speaker 1: there's the other side of it.
- 3:26Speaker 3: What if one of your child's friends has a parent
- 3:30Speaker 3: or a grandparent or somebody in their life who is deployed.
- 3:33Speaker 3: How can you support them?
- 3:36Speaker 4: There's a lot I think there well at first as
- 3:39Speaker 4: a parent, As a parent, I would say.
- 3:43Speaker 1: Tell your kids what's going on.
- 3:45Speaker 4: First of all, help them to understand that they are
- 3:47Speaker 4: missing a parent, It might not seem like a lot,
- 3:50Speaker 4: particularly when they might not like mom and dad right
- 3:53Speaker 4: now because they're mad at them because maybe they didn't
- 3:55Speaker 4: get out of know extra candy or something. But with
- 3:58Speaker 4: that said, you know, kids miss their parents in different ways.
- 4:02Speaker 4: And what I would just tell my kids as a parent,
- 4:05Speaker 4: if I knew a family that was having a significant
- 4:09Speaker 4: person deploy out of their life, is that, hey, listen,
- 4:12Speaker 4: let's watch out for Susie or Jack or whoever that is.
- 4:15Speaker 4: They may be going through a really hard time. You
- 4:18Speaker 4: really need to be kind to them, kind of check
- 4:21Speaker 4: on them from time to time, make sure they're included
- 4:23Speaker 4: in things because they may just really be missing their
- 4:27Speaker 4: parent and they just need a friend to bring them
- 4:30Speaker 4: in and include them in things while that parent is gone.
- 4:34Speaker 3: And they may not want to go to a birthday
- 4:37Speaker 3: party because they're sad their parents gone. Is there a
- 4:41Speaker 3: way to encourage the child of the deployed parent to
- 4:46Speaker 3: maybe go to the birthday party when they don't want to,
- 4:49Speaker 3: or do you think it's better to just let them
- 4:51Speaker 3: do what they want?
- 4:53Speaker 4: I think it depends on the kid, right, I think
- 4:56Speaker 4: it really as a parent, you have kids that are
- 4:58Speaker 4: indifferent personalities right, So one kid might it might be
- 5:03Speaker 4: appropriate for you to go. No, I think it's a
- 5:05Speaker 4: really good idea to go spend some time with your friends.
- 5:08Speaker 1: I think you really need that. It'll really help you
- 5:11Speaker 1: and you deserve to have some fun.
- 5:13Speaker 4: Why mom and dad or mom our dad are gone,
- 5:15Speaker 4: or whoever's gone. If you have a child that may
- 5:17Speaker 4: be a little bit more withdrawal and likes that quiet
- 5:20Speaker 4: solitude and that really helps them, then.
- 5:23Speaker 1: Maybe you don't push for it. I like that.
- 5:27Speaker 3: Every child is different, every family is different, in every
- 5:32Speaker 3: situation is different.
- 5:34Speaker 1: That's something really important, really important, right, yeah.
- 5:37Speaker 3: Really important. So tell us what soldier mom does in
- 5:43Speaker 3: the books.
- 5:44Speaker 4: Oh, so soldier mom in the books. So soldier mom
- 5:47Speaker 4: really really believes in what she's doing. One, she's supporting
- 5:53Speaker 4: her country, she's supporting her community, she's supporting her family.
- 5:56Speaker 4: And of course there's all different ways that that looks.
- 6:00Speaker 4: But one of the ways it looks is making sure
- 6:02Speaker 4: that we hold on to those traditions, right that America
- 6:05Speaker 4: was built on, and one of those traditions was service.
- 6:09Speaker 4: And unfortunately, when you do have service, sometimes we lose
- 6:13Speaker 4: service members. And in that case, and because of that,
- 6:15Speaker 4: we America came up with Memorial Day, so we memorialize,
- 6:21Speaker 4: if you will, people who have passed on while doing service.
- 6:25Speaker 4: And in this case, it's a very big holiday for
- 6:28Speaker 4: us to talk about, and the tradition is to pay
- 6:31Speaker 4: homage in some way. I'm just going to open this
- 6:33Speaker 4: page real quickly to people who have lost their lives
- 6:37Speaker 4: in service to their country.
- 6:39Speaker 1: Right.
- 6:39Speaker 4: I know that sounds like a really big idea, but
- 6:42Speaker 4: these books really gently walk the child and the parent
- 6:47Speaker 4: on how to have this conversation, because it's very important
- 6:51Speaker 4: for us to remember that America was built on sacrifice, loyalty,
- 6:58Speaker 4: service by people, and some of those people lost their
- 7:02Speaker 4: lives and gave the ultimate sacrifice. So and here it
- 7:05Speaker 4: talks about how many of us across America do that.
- 7:09Speaker 4: And as long as we're remembering the purpose, that's what's important.
- 7:13Speaker 4: I think for soldier moms, she wants to share that
- 7:15Speaker 4: good news.
- 7:16Speaker 1: It doesn't sound like good news.
- 7:17Speaker 4: Because people lost their lives, but the good news is
- 7:20Speaker 4: is we have a lot of Americans that are benefiting
- 7:23Speaker 4: from the freedom that that loss of life was built on.
- 7:27Speaker 3: And another thing that I think is important to talk
- 7:30Speaker 3: about is if your child's friend lost a parent, for
- 7:36Speaker 3: through military service. Yep, how do you recognize that. I
- 7:45Speaker 3: don't know that there's a good right answer for that. Again,
- 7:48Speaker 3: I think it really depends on the situation. I have
- 7:51Speaker 3: not been in that situation, so I cannot speak.
- 7:53Speaker 4: From experience, but I've had to deliver that news. I've
- 7:57Speaker 4: had friends that I've lost, I've had family members I've lost,
- 8:00Speaker 4: some in service and some not in service.
- 8:03Speaker 1: The loss is still very, very great.
- 8:06Speaker 3: Right.
- 8:06Speaker 4: One of the things in Memorial Day that we just
- 8:09Speaker 4: talked about was how that sacrifice is being memorialized, and
- 8:16Speaker 4: several things across the country. There's parades, there are changing
- 8:21Speaker 4: of the guard at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier
- 8:23Speaker 4: in DC.
- 8:24Speaker 1: There's things that happen in Chicago.
- 8:25Speaker 4: A lot of the big cities really do a lot
- 8:28Speaker 4: to really bring the remembrance. Part of why these folks
- 8:32Speaker 4: are important to us. I will also say they're heroes
- 8:36Speaker 4: to us.
- 8:36Speaker 1: Right. That's where they say people that.
- 8:38Speaker 4: Have lost their life for something bigger than themselves, in
- 8:42Speaker 4: this case, selfless service. They gave their own life to
- 8:47Speaker 4: a bigger cause. America another country that we've supported to
- 8:51Speaker 4: be free.
- 8:52Speaker 1: Right.
- 8:52Speaker 3: Putting out fires, putting out fires, a police officers rescuing people.
- 8:57Speaker 3: So this book, which is my other book, talks about
- 9:00Speaker 3: heroes and how we have big ones and small ones.
- 9:03Speaker 3: You can be a hero by going and doing in
- 9:06Speaker 3: service to your country. You can also do it by
- 9:08Speaker 3: doing community help, maybe working in a soup kitchen, or
- 9:11Speaker 3: maybe working in a food pantry, or even what if
- 9:14Speaker 3: you're even little guys can do some kind of hero
- 9:20Speaker 3: heroic action by getting something off of the shelf for
- 9:23Speaker 3: an elderly person that can't reach it in a store.
- 9:26Speaker 3: So they come in big and small gestures, and that's
- 9:28Speaker 3: really important for them to understand as well. You know what,
- 9:30Speaker 3: we are here at the Military Influencers conference, right, and
- 9:35Speaker 3: I see so many people and wheelchairs, so many people
- 9:39Speaker 3: who have lost lens. So what if parents encourage their
- 9:45Speaker 3: children to maybe do some yard work for a disabled.
- 9:48Speaker 1: That right, right, And that's part of it. You know.
- 9:51Speaker 4: One of the things about Soldier Mom talks about in
- 9:53Speaker 4: all the books is not only the service to country,
- 9:55Speaker 4: but the service to her community. And one of the storylines,
- 9:59Speaker 4: as a matter of fact, talks all about supporting veterans
- 10:02Speaker 4: day in a way that she is supporting her community veterans.
- 10:07Speaker 4: That's another way to give back. It doesn't have to
- 10:09Speaker 4: be in uniform. It could be, like I said, in
- 10:12Speaker 4: big and small ways.
- 10:14Speaker 3: That's right. It doesn't take a lot. Sometimes maybe just
- 10:19Speaker 3: passing out bottles of water to veterans in a parade
- 10:24Speaker 3: that shows support.
- 10:26Speaker 4: And it doesn't even you don't even have to just
- 10:28Speaker 4: be about veterans. It could be about your next door
- 10:30Speaker 4: neighbor needs there. Maybe you live in someplace that gets
- 10:33Speaker 4: ten inches of snow in one blow.
- 10:35Speaker 1: I don't. I live in this house. That's right.
- 10:37Speaker 4: But with that said, go shovel the neighbors sidewalk because
- 10:42Speaker 4: maybe they can't, maybe they're shut in. Maybe you bring
- 10:46Speaker 4: them dinner one night, or you bring in the mail
- 10:49Speaker 4: for them. These little things are could lift the spirits
- 10:53Speaker 4: of those individuals and you become a hero in their minds.
- 10:55Speaker 3: At okay, we started talking today about the employing parents.
- 11:02Speaker 3: So how can another family help a family who is
- 11:07Speaker 3: going through this whole deployment thing.
- 11:10Speaker 1: I love that because we can tie this together.
- 11:12Speaker 4: So remember we're talking about being a hero in big
- 11:14Speaker 4: and small ways. What if you're teaching your kids to
- 11:19Speaker 4: reach out to a family that has a deployed parent
- 11:22Speaker 4: and by just supporting them, Hey is there something I
- 11:25Speaker 4: can do around the house to help. I know you're
- 11:27Speaker 4: a couple of hands down. I can cut the grass,
- 11:30Speaker 4: I can rank hey, I can take Susie down to
- 11:33Speaker 4: the playground for it.
- 11:35Speaker 3: I'm I could babysit for your kids to give you
- 11:38Speaker 3: two hours to yourself.
- 11:39Speaker 1: Who mom wouldn't love that? Or what dad?
- 11:42Speaker 3: Or you know, hey, whatever, Well, any parent would like
- 11:46Speaker 3: that even if they have both parents at home. But
- 11:50Speaker 3: now imagine mom is deployed. Dad's home with the kids
- 11:57Speaker 3: by himself, and that most dads don't have to be
- 12:03Speaker 3: mom and dad at the same time. How big would
- 12:07Speaker 3: it be for dad to get a babysitter to come
- 12:10Speaker 3: in so he could go play golf with the boys.
- 12:12Speaker 1: Yes, that'd be great.
- 12:13Speaker 4: And not that we don't live our dads. We think
- 12:14Speaker 4: they're very, very important, but we know we do know
- 12:17Speaker 4: statistically for a mom to be deployed it does create
- 12:21Speaker 4: some different kind of ripples throughout the family household.
- 12:24Speaker 3: That's right, because face it, kids need their mommies. They
- 12:32Speaker 3: carried them for nine months, they've rocked them, they've held them,
- 12:36Speaker 3: they've done everything for them. Most dads are more the
- 12:40Speaker 3: play monsters, right, and now dad.
- 12:45Speaker 1: Is the nurturer. He has to do everything. He has
- 12:47Speaker 1: to do everything.
- 12:49Speaker 3: How many dads cook dinner every night, wake the kids
- 12:56Speaker 3: up to go to school, give them baths at night,
- 13:02Speaker 3: and not that they care, they're their kids, but they
- 13:06Speaker 3: weren't built the same way moms were. And it's not
- 13:11Speaker 3: saying that when dad leaves, mom doesn't need help. I'm
- 13:14Speaker 3: just saying, sometimes we forget we need to support the
- 13:17Speaker 3: dads at home because mom's getting deployed. It's really kind
- 13:23Speaker 3: of a new thing, isn't it.
- 13:24Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it is.
- 13:26Speaker 4: And you know, women only make up somewhere between fifteen
- 13:31Speaker 4: and twenty percent.
- 13:32Speaker 1: Is a dad much It was eleven when I was in.
- 13:35Speaker 4: At the max amount when we're completely recruited and we're
- 13:39Speaker 4: full max I've ever seen is around nineteen and a
- 13:43Speaker 4: half percent. So it's fluctuated, but yeah, I mean, ever,
- 13:48Speaker 4: that's the highest and all the years that we have served.
- 13:50Speaker 4: So it is normally dad that deploys right exactly, and.
- 13:55Speaker 1: I understand that.
- 13:56Speaker 4: And we're not saying one of the either is better
- 13:59Speaker 4: or worse. What we're saying is when mom deploys, it
- 14:03Speaker 4: does change the dynamics in the family households significantly, So
- 14:07Speaker 4: we want to really reach out to the dads until
- 14:10Speaker 4: they kind of get a hang of it because.
- 14:12Speaker 1: They're doing everything right, and I mean in a living way.
- 14:16Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
- 14:18Speaker 3: Well, and Dad's most likely still have to go to
- 14:22Speaker 3: work every day yep, and do all the dad stuff
- 14:28Speaker 3: and mom's stuff is overwhelming. Okay, Mom's think about it.
- 14:32Speaker 3: Is your job overwhelming even when dad's around. Now, picture
- 14:37Speaker 3: dad doing everything that you do without training, and.
- 14:46Speaker 1: He loves his kids. He does, he does.
- 14:48Speaker 4: Listen, I'll give you a little bit experience from my
- 14:51Speaker 4: point of view. I have deployed multiple times and Dad
- 14:54Speaker 4: did have to stay home and be dead. But guess what,
- 14:58Speaker 4: my mom in law and my dad in law came
- 15:00Speaker 4: and helped, and that could not have been the best
- 15:04Speaker 4: situation more than anything else I've ever seen.
- 15:07Speaker 1: Thank you, Grandma Roro for being there for my kids.
- 15:11Speaker 4: Because dad did have to work and he had a
- 15:13Speaker 4: very strenuous job. He was law enforcement and he was
- 15:17Speaker 4: gone these crazy kind of shift hours and things happened,
- 15:20Speaker 4: you know, and she was there. That's what we're talking
- 15:23Speaker 4: about in this instance. We want parents to know that
- 15:26Speaker 4: they have other resources. My case, I had in laws
- 15:29Speaker 4: that came to help in other cases, maybe your kids
- 15:32Speaker 4: are the neighbors to the people that are deployed, and
- 15:34Speaker 4: that's where they.
- 15:34Speaker 1: Can kind of assist and help out. That's right.
- 15:38Speaker 3: It takes a village, regardless of who is deploying. It
- 15:43Speaker 3: takes a village to surround this family with love so
- 15:48Speaker 3: they know they're supported and taken care of. Because when
- 15:52Speaker 3: you are the soldier deployed, you want to know your
- 15:57Speaker 3: family is taken care of. When we're deployed, we're out
- 16:03Speaker 3: there doing very hard jobs in very strange places.
- 16:09Speaker 1: The word austere comes to mind.
- 16:12Speaker 3: And to know that our families are cared for back home,
- 16:17Speaker 3: that we don't have to worry about who's cooking dinner.
- 16:21Speaker 3: We don't have to worry about mom needing a break
- 16:26Speaker 3: because she's been twenty four to seven with the kids
- 16:29Speaker 3: for weeks on end. We don't have to worry about
- 16:34Speaker 3: who's going to take the kids to the.
- 16:36Speaker 1: Doctor when mom is sick?
- 16:39Speaker 3: Right, think about that, what happens if mom gets sick,
- 16:45Speaker 3: Dad's deployed, Who's taking care of the littles. It takes
- 16:49Speaker 3: a village, And that's all we want everybody to know.
- 16:54Speaker 3: Is there a family in your community going through this?
- 17:00Speaker 3: Or I joined the military and got deployed. It never
- 17:04Speaker 3: occurred to me what was going on in these families
- 17:09Speaker 3: when dad deployed or or I'll tell you, most moms
- 17:14Speaker 3: didn't deploy back in the early eighties. They got kicked
- 17:19Speaker 3: out of the military when they got pregnant. This is
- 17:22Speaker 3: something that has really just become with mom getting deployed
- 17:28Speaker 3: since what maybe Desert Storm.
- 17:31Speaker 1: Yeah, I would say Desert Storm.
- 17:32Speaker 4: It was really when it became an I don't want
- 17:35Speaker 4: to say in vogue, but really became a presence, right,
- 17:39Speaker 4: we didn't know what to do with like female POWs
- 17:42Speaker 4: because we had them exactly was the first time they
- 17:44Speaker 4: had I mean there were a few before that, but
- 17:47Speaker 4: very very very rare. This is really when it became
- 17:50Speaker 4: more prevalent because there were more females serving in units
- 17:54Speaker 4: that wore you know out, you know, combating the enemy.
- 17:59Speaker 3: And this is something that most civilian families never think
- 18:04Speaker 3: of unless you live in a military community or someone
- 18:08Speaker 3: in your family has been in the military. So we're
- 18:13Speaker 3: just trying to bring awareness to what the family goes through,
- 18:19Speaker 3: what your service members go through, what your veterans have
- 18:23Speaker 3: been through, so you could help support your community and
- 18:29Speaker 3: be the hero, and.
- 18:31Speaker 1: Be the hero, and be the hero. Be the hero.
- 18:35Speaker 3: One meal at a time, one hour of babysitting at
- 18:39Speaker 3: a time, or maybe just taking the kids to the
- 18:44Speaker 3: park so mom could have a bath or dad or
- 18:47Speaker 3: dad yeah, or maybe dad just needs an app.
- 18:51Speaker 1: Could be a nap and a snack. It works for me.
- 18:58Speaker 3: What we'd like to know is how Sparko, Feathers and
- 19:03Speaker 3: Princess Franci can add to this conversation with Soldier Mom.
- 19:13Speaker 3: Did we strike something with you today that caused you
- 19:18Speaker 3: to take a moment and say, hey, I never thought
- 19:23Speaker 3: about that. Please put something in the comments and let
- 19:27Speaker 3: us know what resonated with you. We are going to
- 19:30Speaker 3: be collaborating on a book. Soldier Mom is coming to
- 19:34Speaker 3: Camp Confidence to talk to the kids about mom deploying.
- 19:41Speaker 3: What would be valuable information for us to bring to
- 19:45Speaker 3: the children. To your children who have never experienced a
- 19:49Speaker 3: military employment deployment.
- 19:52Speaker 1: Or maybe they have, we would like to hear from
- 19:54Speaker 1: you too, Right.
- 19:55Speaker 3: Have your kids experiencing military deployment? What would have been
- 20:00Speaker 3: valuable information to them before mom or dad left? Yeah,
- 20:06Speaker 3: so that is what we are asking you. Help us
- 20:09Speaker 3: make our collaborative venture more meaningful for the people who
- 20:16Speaker 3: can get the benefits, so we can make a bigger
- 20:19Speaker 3: impact for you. And now a public service announcement.
- 20:23Speaker 1: For all authors.
- 20:26Speaker 3: Please go to Amazon. You could get our books on
- 20:30Speaker 3: Kindel for a dollar or two.
- 20:32Speaker 1: And please leave a review.
- 20:36Speaker 3: It doesn't take but two minutes to leave us a
- 20:39Speaker 3: review and it means the world to us. And if
- 20:44Speaker 3: for me, you won't hurt my feelings if it's not
- 20:47Speaker 3: a five star review, give me honest feedback, because I
- 20:52Speaker 3: have twelve more books to write and I take feedback seriously.
- 20:59Speaker 1: It will hurt my feet, no, but I would really
- 21:05Speaker 1: love your feedback.
- 21:06Speaker 4: So yes, a book ninety nine is basically what it
- 21:08Speaker 4: cost you to get a kindle and two minutes of
- 21:11Speaker 4: your time.
- 21:11Speaker 1: So we would love to hear from you.
- 21:13Speaker 3: Yes we would. And this is parents talk. Is signing
- 21:17Speaker 3: off till next time by two