Latest / Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler / The Psychology of Your 20s with Jemma Sbeg

Transcript

The Psychology of Your 20s with Jemma Sbeg · Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, it's Thursday. Ye it's Chelsea Lately Day.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: I mean sorry, Dear Chelsea Day, Dear Chelsea Lately, Dear
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: Chelsea Leader.
• 0:07
  Speaker 3: It's all the thing, you know what. I always thought
• 0:08
  Speaker 3: that was a brilliant piece of branding. That it is,
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: like everything you do has your name in it.
• 0:12
  Speaker 4: It's beautiful.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Well, you know what, it's really hard to come up
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: with titles.
• 0:16
  Speaker 3: So I ran with you.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: You were just I'm planning a big tour next year,
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: a big stand up tour, and we were going around
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: titles because tour names usually don't have my name in them. Okay,
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: they usually are words, so this isn't unusual.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: But you're right.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Everything I don't know is it good branding or is
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: it a fucking annoying.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: What did I have to say? Oh I had something
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: I was going to do that I actually have something
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: to tell you. Okay, great hit me de may.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: I've been taking Spanish sloshs this three times a week
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: and I almost started crying during my class this morning
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: because it was I was so frustrated.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: That's what she's dealing with? Was it subjunctive?
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: A fifty year old woman who's getting emotional about not
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: understanding certain things.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Now she just only speaks to Spanish, so I'm missing
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: half of it. I mean, I'm assuming I'm going to
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: get it some time. But whatever, Yeah, you just gotta
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: smile a nods sometimes.
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: But I read this article yesterday that I was like,
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: I have to tell Chelsea about this. It was in
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: the cut and the title is this economist crunched the
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: numbers and stopped dating men, and she's never been happier.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: All I see on social media is that how happy
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: women are who are alone, single and child Yes, it
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: even goes on to how much.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Longer we live.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: I'm not trying to live longer, but I know that
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: I'm talking, well, you're gonna.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Live like one hundred and twenty.
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: But she talks about like she did the research, and
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: she was like, I could actually be doing she was
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: married to a man.
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: She goes, I.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: Could actually be doing less domestic labor if I was
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: single than being married to a man. And now she's
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: married to a woman and they are co parenting beautifully
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: and having a great time, and.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: They get along and they actually can actually into it
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: what the other person might need ahead of that person asking.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I mean, I was just training with ben Bruno.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: My I went on to say, I'm at eighty five
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: percent from all of my medical issues this year, so
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: I'm now back training with my foot is healing.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Everything's good. I'm doing so well.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: I decided to pop over to a visa for the
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: weekend for her friend's birthday celebration.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: So I'm leaving tomorrow night this weekend, Yes, this weekend.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I decided, you know what, fuck it, I'm going to go.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: I was like, I can't go, and then I was like,
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: I'll gick up for a couple of days and then
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: I have to go to New York anyway, because you know,
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: the US Open is starting and I have some shows
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: in Westampton. By the way, there's still shows tickets for
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: the twenty second August twenty second Westampton. I've been staying
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: with my friend Kat, who is a home She should
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: be a home healthcare nurse is what she should be.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: She is so such a caretaker, you know, and it's that.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: You've needed it. I could take care of people.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: In financial ways only that is what I and Pep talks,
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean, like emotionally, philosophically, that kind
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: of thing. But when I started staying there, because of
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: course my house is still not done. The new date
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: is August twenty fifth, when I returned from New York,
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: and we'll see about that. So anyway, I was, oh,
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: when I moved in with her, I was like, listen,
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: I she cooks all the time. I was like, I
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: really would like to learn how to do a couple
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: of basic things, like I want to be a little
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: bit more self sufficient. So she started out showing me
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: like little things to do when you're cooking, and how
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: to use an air fryer, how to use an oven properly,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: like you know, I don't have the attention span like
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: my brain. Just I found a word that describes me today.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: This is unrelated to my domesticity or lack thereof.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: It's called enumerates.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Somebody who doesn't understand math, like I can multiply divide
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: very quickly, like my cousin Molly can't act.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: She she if you go, If I say, okay, it's
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: three o'clock, we have to.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: Be somewhere at six, she uses her fingers. She's like
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: three four And I'm like, okay, I'm sart. Yeah, yeah,
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: she's very smart, but like I'm like what And I'm
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: like you know, I want to meddle with the multiplication
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: tables when I was in like third grade, like any multiplication.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: I mean maybe not four digits, but you know, but
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: anything that's like long division over my interest rates anything
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: like that.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Fuck recoop.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: I don't understand, you know. So anyway, I went and
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: moved into Kat's house. That's who I'm staying with, my
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: friend Cat, and she was started showing me little things
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: to cook, like basic recipes that I.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Could make, and then something within like.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: The first week, we just started going out ordering takeout.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: And then last night she's like, I haven't cooked since you.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: Moved in, basically, And I'm like, I know I've broken you.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: I've made you into me, like I've turned you into me,
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: like you know, bring us things in people, and half
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: of the stuff I get delivered, I don't even eat.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: It's so wasteful, right, And so last night she did
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: cook for us, and I haven't learned anything. I mean,
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: I think I know how to use an air fryer,
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: which will be helpful if I ever moved into my
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: actual house. There's actually a shoot at my house on
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: the twenty fifth of August. Fingers CROs, I mean the
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: construction company just has to know that. But I've tried
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: this move before where I'm like, okay, I'm moving in,
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: ready or not?
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Here I come.
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: So that was six months ago.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: That was six that was six months ago, and then
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: six months before that. But who's complaining?
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: Because my life I'm beautiful and fun and I've been
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: writing in my gratitude journal every morning.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: I have two gratitude journals.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: You write down like three things that you you know
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: would make today a great day. Then you make write
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: down three things you're really appreciative of, and then you
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: write down like your mantra, your three whatever, three things
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: you want to say to yourself that day. And then
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: at night you get it and you're like, what are
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: what are three highlights of the day. It's like takes
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: less than five minutes.
• 5:32
  Speaker 4: Love that.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: And then I do my full one, like where I
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: write down twenty things I'm grateful for, however many the
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: page will fit. And that's helping most days. But today
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: I started off, you know, I did that, and then
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: I took my Spanish my zooms. It really pissed me off,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: and then I went to Ben Brunos and I got
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: my strength back. And now my hair's wet from sweating
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: because I took a shower before my workout instead of
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: after my workout. I do things a little differently around
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: your people. Okay, working backwards.
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: Well, guest today she is all about the Psychology of
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: your twenties.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: Oh, yes, yes, this is good.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: This is yes, all about the Psychology of your twenties podcast.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: She is the host of an author of a new book,
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Person in Progress. Please welcome, Gemma. speG Hi, Gemma. So
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: nice to meet you.
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: Yeah, lovely to meet you.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: But as well from America to Australia. Doug is coming
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: into Say hello, Doug, say hello, Say hello Doug.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: Doug.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: You have to look the other way. I love every
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: time we feed him, he comes over to thank me.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: Oh he comes over to say thing. Oh no, actually
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: I think he wants food anyway. So Jemma hosts a
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: podcast called the Psychology of Your Twenties, and you talk
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: about you have a lot of interesting subject matter and
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: chats about what it is like to be in your
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: twenties today.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: And first I want to ask you what.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: You think is the difference between being in your twenties
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: today versus previous periods of times.
• 6:52
  Speaker 5: That's like the million dollar question, right. I feel like
• 6:54
  Speaker 5: if I could answer that in one word, it would
• 6:57
  Speaker 5: be there is more more, more, more technology, more opportunities,
• 7:02
  Speaker 5: which is amazing, but then also more competition, more of
• 7:06
  Speaker 5: a choice overload, more pressing threats from the economy, from
• 7:13
  Speaker 5: the climate.
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: I think that there.
• 7:15
  Speaker 5: Are ups and downs, right, there is it's kind of
• 7:18
  Speaker 5: giving with one hand, taking with the other. As a generation,
• 7:21
  Speaker 5: you know, we have a lot more freedom, We have
• 7:23
  Speaker 5: more options in terms of who we say it, how
• 7:26
  Speaker 5: we express ourselves, what we want to do for work,
• 7:28
  Speaker 5: but that can also come with a lot of downsides
• 7:32
  Speaker 5: and a lot of additional stresses that maybe previous generations
• 7:35
  Speaker 5: didn't have to deal with.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: It always comes back to social media for me, right,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: because that's pretty much the real biggest, the biggest difference
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: in our society is that everyone knows what everyone else
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: is doing and when they're not invited, which I think
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: when you're in your twenties you still care about that stuff.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think there's a lot of people in
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: their fifties that still care about that stuff. So one
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: of the things that you talked about recently in one
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: of your episodes was about the ability to handle being
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: disliked or the just ability to be disliked.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: So what did you learn from talking about.
• 8:09
  Speaker 4: That so much?
• 8:11
  Speaker 5: It's kind of scary what you just said, that you
• 8:12
  Speaker 5: still care about that at fifty sometimes because I was
• 8:15
  Speaker 5: hoping that I would age out of that conundrum.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I think I think many people do, and then some
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: people don't. It's just like anything else. I remember growing
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: up and having my friend's parents be so invested in
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: my friend's life, like I remember her mom. I had
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: two friends and their moms were just so interested in
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: everything and wanted to orchestrate everything and be involved in
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: every party and wanted to know everyone who had a
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: crush on every And I was like, these women are
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: reliving out there, living out their fantasies vicariously through their
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: own children, like alpathetic. But then you know, you get
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: to be that age. I mean, I don't have that
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: problem because I don't have children, so I'm not like
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: trying to live vicariously through them. But I've definitely seen
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: some of my friends be trying to live out their
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: fantasies through their children.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Sure, so that's a different beast.
• 9:03
  Speaker 5: I think it all comes back to like this very human,
• 9:06
  Speaker 5: very instinctual urge to just be accepted and to belong
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: and to feel like you matter. Like one of my
• 9:12
  Speaker 5: favorite quotes or ideas is that the only thing that
• 9:15
  Speaker 5: anyone wants is for someone else to bear witness to
• 9:18
  Speaker 5: their life. And that doesn't have to be a romantic partner.
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: It could be friends, it could be your colleagues, anyone
• 9:25
  Speaker 5: around you. You want to feel like if you were gone,
• 9:28
  Speaker 5: people would care, and so that fear of missing out
• 9:31
  Speaker 5: and that fear of being disliked, I think comes back
• 9:35
  Speaker 5: to that very primal need. You know, any of those
• 9:39
  Speaker 5: instances where you weren't invited to the party, You know,
• 9:43
  Speaker 5: you weren't invited to your friend's wedding even though you
• 9:45
  Speaker 5: thought you were really really close. Those are all instances
• 9:49
  Speaker 5: where you're like, Okay, maybe my perception of my social
• 9:53
  Speaker 5: circle wasn't accurate, And that's really scary because that could
• 9:57
  Speaker 5: mean that come the end of my life, come tomorrow,
• 10:00
  Speaker 5: I could be a lonely person, especially as like in
• 10:03
  Speaker 5: your twenties, I think I've noticed that further along I've
• 10:07
  Speaker 5: gotten into my twenties, you're not quite sure yet how
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: to ride the wave, Like your first big friendship breakup,
• 10:12
  Speaker 5: is like huge and like life altering because you've never
• 10:16
  Speaker 5: experienced it before. But you know, my mum such a
• 10:19
  Speaker 5: wise woman. She was like, by the time you get
• 10:21
  Speaker 5: to like my age, like you've had that happen and
• 10:24
  Speaker 5: you know that you're gonna survive. Maybe like in your twenties,
• 10:26
  Speaker 5: you just don't have that experience. Yeah, I don't know
• 10:28
  Speaker 5: if that's something that you found absolutely.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: I mean, and the more you experience anything, the more
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: used to you you get. You know, it's just like
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: going to prison and getting a only benetraated every single day,
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: and but that didn't happen before you.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Were in prison, and you're like, oh my god.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden, a few months go
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: by and it's five pm and you're like, Okay, my
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: boyfriend's coming over, and that's what's going to happen in
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: my life.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: So, I mean, unfortunately, the human condition.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: What is amazing about the human condition is we can
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: almost acclimate to anything. I think it's really all about
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: a sense of self and it's about how much inner
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: work willing to do between the ages of twenty and
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: fifty to get to a place where you are so
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: confident and secure in who you are that you aren't
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: really swayable or as vulnerable to outside sources as you
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: are to your own self esteem. You know, like how
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: you feel about yourself is more important than how others
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: feel about you, and how you feel about yourself is
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: more important than getting invited to something. But I know
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: that's more of a you know, kind of philosophically spiritual
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: way to look at things when you actually have enough experience,
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: And we've kind.
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: Of talked about this before, where it's like that doesn't
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: necessarily just happen because you get older. It is also
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: something you have to put effort into and work to
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: grow toward.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because we can get upset about really small shit, right,
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Like you can get upset about the dumbest shit, and
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: you can also choose to not get upset about anything.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: You could get delayed and your flight. You'd be at
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: an airport for five hours waiting for a plane and
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: be in a perfectly happy mood and read a book
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: and occupy yourself, watch a fun show whatever. Or you
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: could be a fucking cunt about it and be sitting
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: there screaming and pissing and moaning. You know what I mean.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: I guess you think sometimes you would outgrow that behavior,
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: but it's also your personality and what you're willing. Like
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: I used to have a very rageful, crazy reactive personality.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: Now I go I.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: You know, if things aren't going well or if I'm upset,
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: I go within.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: I don't act out.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: I take my business upstairs and deal with it myself
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: like a big girl.
• 12:29
  Speaker 6: You know.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: I wish I had those tools when I was younger,
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: But I don't think that's every twenty year old. I mean,
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: some twenty year olds are pretty mature. And I'm sure
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: you know because you're doing this podcast, so you talk
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: to a lot more people in their twenties.
• 12:41
  Speaker 5: Oh one hundred percent. And also like we all have
• 12:44
  Speaker 5: our hot we all have our thing, so I'm gonna
• 12:47
  Speaker 5: like fully call myself out. I really have never had
• 12:50
  Speaker 5: a problem with people not liking me, Like that's a
• 12:52
  Speaker 5: big one for me, and I say it as such
• 12:54
  Speaker 5: a blessing. Also, you kind of have to have that
• 12:57
  Speaker 5: attitude if you're gonna do what we do right, like
• 13:00
  Speaker 5: having a somewhat public face, having people know what you're doing.
• 13:04
  Speaker 5: I've just never had a problem with it organically, but
• 13:08
  Speaker 5: when it comes to other parts of my life, I
• 13:10
  Speaker 5: really really suffer when it comes to like anxiety over
• 13:14
  Speaker 5: the future, overthinking my future. That's something I wish I
• 13:16
  Speaker 5: could turn off. And then there's other people who will
• 13:19
  Speaker 5: be like, oh, you know, I am paralyzed by this
• 13:22
  Speaker 5: idea of people not liking me or whatever it is.
• 13:25
  Speaker 5: But I have like no worries that I'm going to
• 13:27
  Speaker 5: figure it all out, Like I don't worry about the future,
• 13:29
  Speaker 5: Like what are you talking about?
• 13:30
  Speaker 7: You know?
• 13:31
  Speaker 5: I don't think about like really big questions around like
• 13:35
  Speaker 5: where I'm going to turn up, What's going to happen?
• 13:37
  Speaker 5: Am I going to be Okay? I don't worry about money.
• 13:40
  Speaker 5: So I do also think that it's personality, and then
• 13:42
  Speaker 5: it's just like whatever your brain I think the insecurity,
• 13:46
  Speaker 5: like whatever your big insecurity is is what it latches onto.
• 13:50
  Speaker 5: So maybe like anger is like, oh am I worried
• 13:51
  Speaker 5: that I'm not going to be in control, and so
• 13:53
  Speaker 5: I have this like very vibrant emotional reaction because it
• 13:57
  Speaker 5: feels like the biggest thing I could do to bring
• 13:59
  Speaker 5: anything back into my control or any number of things
• 14:03
  Speaker 5: like that, where it's like it all links back to personality,
• 14:07
  Speaker 5: but also in security and individual differences about what is
• 14:10
  Speaker 5: your heart and what is your kind of journey through
• 14:14
  Speaker 5: that as well?
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: You're saying heart like heart like you're like you're.
• 14:18
  Speaker 5: Like your heart like a big hard rock, Like what
• 14:21
  Speaker 5: is your heart?
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: Okay?
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I was like, Okay, she's staying hard. Okay,
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: we don't use it that way.
• 14:27
  Speaker 4: So that's good to know.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: I'm glad you explained that you talk about breaking up friendships,
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: which is a good subject matter because that happens at
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: any phase in life to people. And I guess the
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: first time it is the worst time, right. It's kind
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: of like it can be very hard to recover from that.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: So what have you did that happen to you?
• 14:48
  Speaker 5: Yeah, And it's happened to me a few times, and
• 14:50
  Speaker 5: I will say there did come a point where it
• 14:53
  Speaker 5: happened like maybe three times in a year, and I
• 14:55
  Speaker 5: had to be like, I'm the problem, Like this is
• 14:57
  Speaker 5: not this is a me thing. It was a especially
• 15:00
  Speaker 5: at like this very pivotal point in my life when
• 15:02
  Speaker 5: I was leaving university college and I basically had this
• 15:06
  Speaker 5: huge falling out with my roommates, with this person who
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: had been my best friend throughout my college university days.
• 15:13
  Speaker 5: Like best friends, we thought we were going to be
• 15:15
  Speaker 5: each other's bridesmaids. She was going to be the auntie
• 15:18
  Speaker 5: to my children, and I think the reason it was
• 15:23
  Speaker 5: a breakup, but it felt more like a fizzle. It
• 15:25
  Speaker 5: felt like we'd fallen out of love with each other,
• 15:27
  Speaker 5: that there were these things that had always bothered us
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: about each other, almost like a relationship that we just
• 15:33
  Speaker 5: kind of swept under the rug because we were friends,
• 15:37
  Speaker 5: when maybe if that was in a romantic relationship, it
• 15:40
  Speaker 5: would have ended decimated the relationship sooner. But because it
• 15:44
  Speaker 5: was a friendship, everything was a little bit less, just
• 15:46
  Speaker 5: a tiny bit less intense, and it was this fizzle,
• 15:50
  Speaker 5: and then it was this huge break where I just
• 15:54
  Speaker 5: never heard from her again, never heard from her again,
• 15:56
  Speaker 5: almost overnight, and never really knew why. And then you
• 15:59
  Speaker 5: have to kind of go back and examine your behavior.
• 16:02
  Speaker 5: And recently I actually saw her. She lives in Sydney now,
• 16:07
  Speaker 5: which is where I live, and it was actually quite
• 16:10
  Speaker 5: a beautiful moment. I was like, do you guys have
• 16:11
  Speaker 5: sushi train?
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: We don't have it, but I know what it is, Yes,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: explain what it is.
• 16:16
  Speaker 5: Well, basically I'm pitching anyone who's listening. The best big
• 16:19
  Speaker 5: franchise Idea for America, which is basically a tiny train
• 16:23
  Speaker 5: like you sit it like a counter, and this train
• 16:25
  Speaker 5: carrying all types of sushi like comes around and you
• 16:27
  Speaker 5: can like pick what you want.
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: It's sounds wonderful.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know what you're talking about.
• 16:34
  Speaker 5: Yeah, that is it's vital for the story. So I'm
• 16:38
  Speaker 5: sitting at one of these and it's kind of like
• 16:40
  Speaker 5: onto the street. Like where I'm sitting, you can kind
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: of see out these glass doors, and across the road
• 16:46
  Speaker 5: I see her and her obviously her new boyfriend, and
• 16:49
  Speaker 5: we haven't seen each other in probably two to three
• 16:51
  Speaker 5: years at this point, and they're standing at the lights
• 16:55
  Speaker 5: and she's like looking at him and she just looks
• 16:58
  Speaker 5: so happy, so happy, And I had this huge inclination
• 17:03
  Speaker 5: to like go out and run to her and be
• 17:05
  Speaker 5: like I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,
• 17:07
  Speaker 5: like I miss you, yea, I know, it's been a
• 17:10
  Speaker 5: long time, and I just kind of left it. I
• 17:12
  Speaker 5: was like, she everything's worked out for her, she's got
• 17:14
  Speaker 5: this beautiful boyfriend. She's in this beautiful city on this
• 17:18
  Speaker 5: you know, the main street, like she's probably going to
• 17:20
  Speaker 5: get dinner, and I think it's also those moments where
• 17:23
  Speaker 5: you realize how, like with most breakups, you mature from it,
• 17:27
  Speaker 5: you get something from it, even then when it's really
• 17:29
  Speaker 5: really painful, And that was just like a beautiful full
• 17:32
  Speaker 5: circle moment for me. It's nice the sushi train.
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: Yea at the sushi train.
• 17:36
  Speaker 7: I do.
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: I love what you say about like you needed to
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: examine your behavior in that moment, because there have been
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: a few relationships that fizzled like that, and I wonder
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: you know there are certain times when like, yes, I'm
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: the problem, and other times when you just find yourself
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: outgrowing a friend group or outgrowing a friendship. And what
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: would you say? Are the ways that someone can tell,
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: like am I the problem? Am I the asshole here?
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: Or maybe you just outgrew these folks. That's a really
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: really great question.
• 18:01
  Speaker 5: I think the best way to tell is is your
• 18:05
  Speaker 5: life changing? Is there something about your life right now
• 18:08
  Speaker 5: that is causing your transformation or an evolution or do
• 18:11
  Speaker 5: you feel like you're the same that you've always been.
• 18:14
  Speaker 5: Maybe that's actually why your friendships are also fizzling, because
• 18:18
  Speaker 5: you're stagnant, you're unhappy, like you're kind of taking things
• 18:21
  Speaker 5: for granted. The other way, I think it's really easy
• 18:23
  Speaker 5: to tell if it is you. That's the problem is
• 18:27
  Speaker 5: the level of like conflict. Now, I'm going to say this,
• 18:31
  Speaker 5: for women, conflict does not look the same in their
• 18:34
  Speaker 5: friendships as it does for men. And I was talking
• 18:37
  Speaker 5: to my partner about this, about this like kind of
• 18:40
  Speaker 5: fight that two of my friends are having at the moment.
• 18:42
  Speaker 5: Are very like, it's very intricate, And he was like,
• 18:45
  Speaker 5: how how did you even know that they were fighting
• 18:47
  Speaker 5: in the first place, like when you were in this
• 18:49
  Speaker 5: room with them, when you were having dinner, And I
• 18:51
  Speaker 5: was like, it's the pauses, it's the silences. Like You've
• 18:54
  Speaker 5: got to remember, conflict isn't an all out fight, it's
• 18:57
  Speaker 5: are they avoiding you? Like, are these people perhaps excluding you,
• 19:02
  Speaker 5: not because they don't like you anymore, but because maybe
• 19:04
  Speaker 5: you're just bringing a really negative bad vibe or because
• 19:07
  Speaker 5: you've done something that's offended someone that you haven't owned
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: up to. Those are some of the more subtle signs
• 19:14
  Speaker 5: I think that there's conflict to miss.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like most men just like can't pick
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: up on those subtle things, like.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: Just those nuances all for sure.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think another topic that people are obsessed
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: with and it doesn't I guess it starts in your twenties,
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: but it probably starts earlier than that, is falling in love.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: And I know you've talked about this on your podcast,
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Finding Love and the idea that they may not find it,
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: which I find to be just a silly, silly notion
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: because I've never met anybody that's never been in love,
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: you know, unless they're eight, So I find that most
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: people do find love.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like it's different?
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: Oh, it's a really great question.
• 19:55
  Speaker 5: Honestly, I wish that you could come on my show
• 19:56
  Speaker 5: and tell people that because I perfect, like I think,
• 20:00
  Speaker 5: I just don't believe it coming from me because I'm
• 20:01
  Speaker 5: not older.
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: And why has people writing and all the.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Time that people are constantly asking that this that on
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: our podcast, But I just always also, I just feel
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: like it's one of those facts of life, like it's
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: going to happen. And the longing and the pressing and
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: pushing for things. It's like it's one thing to have
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: an intention for something, but to be actively constantly pursuing
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: it almost defeats the intention of what you want, you
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: know what I mean, if you spend so much time
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: almost it's almost like it becomes like you're begging for
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: something and things happen in a natural way, and like
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: you have to kind of accept that that's one of
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: the natural things that happen in life, and that it
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: will happen like it is very likely to happen, more
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: likely than unlikely.
• 20:44
  Speaker 5: Here's the thing, though, I think with everything else in
• 20:46
  Speaker 5: our life, right, we're told to be really like go
• 20:50
  Speaker 5: for it, really proactive, and to have like a five
• 20:53
  Speaker 5: year plan, to have all these other things like if
• 20:55
  Speaker 5: you want something, if you want the promotion, work for it.
• 20:58
  Speaker 5: If you want the dream house, save for it. And
• 21:00
  Speaker 5: then when it comes to love, you're right, you can
• 21:04
  Speaker 5: put yourself out there, but there's nothing that you can
• 21:06
  Speaker 5: really control.
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: Sometimes.
• 21:08
  Speaker 5: That's where I think the fear of never finding anyone
• 21:11
  Speaker 5: comes from, is that it's unpredictable. There's not like a
• 21:15
  Speaker 5: there's no structure for finding your soulmate the way that
• 21:18
  Speaker 5: there's a kind of a structure for finding all the
• 21:21
  Speaker 5: other things that you really want in life. And I
• 21:24
  Speaker 5: gave this analogy to someone the other day, which is like,
• 21:27
  Speaker 5: remember when you were in high school and you just
• 21:31
  Speaker 5: couldn't wait to graduate, and you thought about it like
• 21:35
  Speaker 5: all the time and you were like, oh my god,
• 21:37
  Speaker 5: I just wish that I could be done with this
• 21:38
  Speaker 5: and you know what's going to happen, right, But there
• 21:41
  Speaker 5: is still this like longing that is filled with time,
• 21:45
  Speaker 5: and it's like within that time where you want to
• 21:47
  Speaker 5: make plans, you want to do fun things that you
• 21:49
  Speaker 5: just want this final closure of like I'm going to graduate,
• 21:53
  Speaker 5: I'm going to find the love of my life before
• 21:55
  Speaker 5: the rest of your life kind of starts.
• 21:57
  Speaker 4: Does that make sense?
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: It does, but it's just so backwards when I hear that,
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: it's like before your life starts. I remember thinking that
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: when I moved out to LA I was like, when
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: my life begins, and my life will begin when I
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: have a career, That's when my life begins. And all
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: those years leading up to getting the career are part
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: of my life too. But for some reason at that time,
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: they didn't feel like it was like, when I become successful,
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: that's when everything starts.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: That's when it begins.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: And I now realize how silly of a mindset that is,
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: because yes, I was driven, but I also missed out
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: on a lot of being present and enjoying the time
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: and the ride and the climb and all of those things.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: It was always a means to an end. It was
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: always a temporary part of my life. And I'm not
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: sure if that attitude got me to become successful or
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: if I could have, or if there was more to
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: be taken out of like more of a bite to
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: be taken out of life at that moment, you know.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: I think when we have our minds so focused on
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: our goals, we can sometimes like miss the forest for
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: the trees too much focus.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's one thing to have an intention and.
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: To know this is what I want to do with
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: my life and take steps to get there. But it
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: doesn't have to be every facet of your being, just
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: like finding a love doesn't have to require like all
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: of your effort. It can happen in a natural, easy
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: going way when you have a natural, easygoing attitude about things,
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: which I don't think you get when you're in your twenties.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: I think that takes time to build.
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: It does feel like one of the defining feelings of
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: being in your twenties is that feeling of like, well,
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: my life hasn't started yet, or I'm falling behind, and
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: like am I doing enough? And I'm not where I
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: thought I would be by now. It's almost overwhelming. We
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: get a lot of emails about that as well.
• 23:42
  Speaker 5: Oh my goodness, I feel that way as well all
• 23:45
  Speaker 5: the time, and it's exactly the same. It's like the
• 23:49
  Speaker 5: predominant feeling. I want to say something that based on
• 23:52
  Speaker 5: what you was saying, Chelsea, And it's the story of
• 23:55
  Speaker 5: how I met my potna because I totally believe in
• 23:58
  Speaker 5: your philosophy on like a full dating detox, Like didn't
• 24:03
  Speaker 5: date for a long time. It was just like I
• 24:06
  Speaker 5: just I'm gonna not gonna leave space for it. And
• 24:08
  Speaker 5: then I think it was like six months to a
• 24:10
  Speaker 5: year later, I was in like Bali with all my
• 24:12
  Speaker 5: friends and they had all come out of these like
• 24:16
  Speaker 5: terrible breakups, and they they just wanted to, you know,
• 24:19
  Speaker 5: have sex. They just wanted to get laid, like they
• 24:20
  Speaker 5: just wanted to have the fun holiday experience. And I
• 24:23
  Speaker 5: was like, yeah, I'm gonna get it on that and
• 24:26
  Speaker 5: I redownloaded the apps. The first person I match with
• 24:29
  Speaker 5: hit it off with. It just happened, and we've been
• 24:32
  Speaker 5: together for two years now. I love it almost longer.
• 24:36
  Speaker 5: And I think it's that like just let it, just
• 24:38
  Speaker 5: let it be but the actually what your point was
• 24:41
  Speaker 5: is in your twenties. It's kind of like, but when
• 24:44
  Speaker 5: is the like when is the letting it be starting?
• 24:46
  Speaker 5: Like when is the chill time starting? Like can I
• 24:49
  Speaker 5: do that now or is that going to like take
• 24:51
  Speaker 5: away from the planning time later? Is that going to
• 24:53
  Speaker 5: take away from like the fun successful times in my
• 24:56
  Speaker 5: thirties if I like take a time, if I take
• 24:58
  Speaker 5: time off, if I take a break, if I'm not
• 25:01
  Speaker 5: doing everything the way that everyone else is The thing
• 25:05
  Speaker 5: I always say, though, is like what's this finish line?
• 25:07
  Speaker 4: Why racing twys well?
• 25:08
  Speaker 8: Right?
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: Because it's like your life is if your life doesn't
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: begin until you're what thirty, Like if you're in your
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: twenties preparing for your life to begin, when does it
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: begin twenty five thirty? And then what happens when you're
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: forty fifty you're dead? Like what is the cycle of
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: like the thought of a twenty year olclerus. I know
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: when I was twenty, I never thought beyond five years,
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: Like you know what I mean, It wasn't I'm sorry,
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: I never thought beyond five months. You know, I thought
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: about the future, but the future was way beyond five months.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: And the immediate future was, you know, the real day in,
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: day out of everything.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: So I don't know. I wonder if more like.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: Younger people were able to kind of not be so
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: I mean, I don't want it because I don't want it.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: To confuse it with the word lazy, I don't mean
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: being lazy. I mean being very clear about what you
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: want in life and knowing it, but without being crazy
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: aggressive about it. I guess what I'm saying, And I
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: think a lot of people would probably disagree with that
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: because a lot of people would say you have to
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: be crazy aggressive to get what you want.
• 26:09
  Speaker 4: Oh, I don't agree at all.
• 26:10
  Speaker 5: I think that like having passion and genuine love for
• 26:13
  Speaker 5: what you're doing is more important than discipline because you're
• 26:16
  Speaker 5: actually fall in love with the process. I also think
• 26:20
  Speaker 5: the biggest thing that hassued that anxiety that you were
• 26:23
  Speaker 5: explaining around like thinking way too far in advance, thinking
• 26:27
  Speaker 5: that life ends at thirty or forty, was having age
• 26:31
  Speaker 5: gap friendships, with being friends with women and men who
• 26:35
  Speaker 5: are a lot older than me. And I have this
• 26:37
  Speaker 5: amazing friend called Emma who I do pottery with, and
• 26:40
  Speaker 5: she's in her fifties. She has two kids who are
• 26:42
  Speaker 5: almost my age, the amount of just solid advice that
• 26:47
  Speaker 5: she gives me, and just perspective of being like, what
• 26:50
  Speaker 5: are you talking about? My fifties are like the best
• 26:53
  Speaker 5: years of my life. I'm having more fun than I've
• 26:55
  Speaker 5: ever had, I'm more relaxed than I've ever had. It
• 26:59
  Speaker 5: just suit so much of my anxiety that I think,
• 27:02
  Speaker 5: and I'm saying this and it's gonna like almost I'm
• 27:05
  Speaker 5: gonna stab myself in the back. Like sometimes another twenty
• 27:07
  Speaker 5: something year old can't tell you that because they don't
• 27:09
  Speaker 5: have the experience of that time.
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: Does that make sense? Like, yeah, it's really important.
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think I guess it goes back to
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: what you were saying at the beginning, which is everybody
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: wants to be seen. Everybody wants to be you know, valued,
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: and everyone wants to matter because if you don't matter,
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: then you feel invisible. And so that's very common. And
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: I think that starts early. You know, that starts like
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: when you're a teenager, because that's that's when that because
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: when you're a kid and you have your parents and
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: if you if you have an ideal childhood, you're getting
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: all this love and attention, you don't have time to
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: think about anything else. But if you if you have
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: a single parent, or you don't have two parents, or
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: you're not brought up in a loving home, then your
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: circumstances could be different.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: You know, earlier on you.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: Could start to feel alone or I think the feeling
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: people jump to is to is it's more of a survival, right.
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: It's survival. You have to survive whatever circumstances you're in.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: And I think in your twenties the idea of survival
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: becomes a little bit more abstract, you know what I mean.
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: It's not real survival. It's like social survival, love survival.
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: You want to you you think everything is the most
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: intense it could ever be, and everything is so much
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: more important than it is, even though certain things aren't
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: fucking important. It's a kind of the over accent of
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: importance on everything. I think that's what I definitely don't
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: miss from my twenties is thinking like the end all
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: be all, Like there's one love of my life. There's
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: going to be one love and he's gonna understand me
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: and he's going to be my soulmate, you know, which
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: is a pile of garbage.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: There isn't who wants one lover or anyone bunch of yeah.
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: Exactly like my sister's my soulmate, you know the one
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: I'm talking about. And yeah, I think there's just a
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: lot of I would hate to be twenty years old today.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: And I don't want to say that because I'm sure
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: twenty year olds are fine, but I when I think
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: back at my twenty year olds, I'm just like, oh
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: my god, there was there was nothing like this shit
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: that you guys have to deal with.
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: Gumma, are the twenty year olds fine?
• 29:08
  Speaker 4: No?
• 29:09
  Speaker 5: No, the amount of like the anxiety levels are just
• 29:13
  Speaker 5: like through the frickin' roots.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, I don't even think I understood what anxiety
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: was until like a few years ago. Same and because
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: it was, you know, the over explanation of it. In
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: society now almost everyone has anxiety, which is causing me anxiety,
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: you know so, and you want to.
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: Think about why that is?
• 29:30
  Speaker 5: Right, Like, I always get these comments from people who
• 29:34
  Speaker 5: are a lot older, being like, what do you have
• 29:35
  Speaker 5: to worry about?
• 29:36
  Speaker 4: Like, you don't have kids, you don't have you know,
• 29:39
  Speaker 4: a mortgage.
• 29:40
  Speaker 5: You don't have any of these things. And I'm like,
• 29:42
  Speaker 5: look at the environment that we're living in. Look at
• 29:44
  Speaker 5: the context. How could you not be an anxious wreck
• 29:47
  Speaker 5: right now? Like nothing about our environment is stable? Yeah,
• 29:51
  Speaker 5: it was so overstimulated. Everything is constantly changing. Read any newspaper,
• 29:57
  Speaker 5: it's horrific. Like, how as a generation that's like now
• 30:01
  Speaker 5: responsible for that future? Guys, we're getting very deep here,
• 30:04
  Speaker 5: but you know you feel responsible for that future.
• 30:06
  Speaker 4: You are the future.
• 30:08
  Speaker 5: How are you meant to feel sane knowing that everyone
• 30:12
  Speaker 5: thinks it's going to shit?
• 30:14
  Speaker 8: Right?
• 30:14
  Speaker 4: Like, I don't know.
• 30:15
  Speaker 5: I just feel like it's a that's a common reason
• 30:18
  Speaker 5: for the anxiety levels, and then you have to.
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: Worry about like what your dream job is? Like what?
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: Well, on that note, should we talk to some people
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: with anxiety?
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely. Okay, we're gonna take a break and we'll
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: be right back with Gemma's Bag.
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: This week, we'd love to hear from people who perform
• 30:35
  Speaker 3: and drag. If you're a drag performer and have questions
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: or would like some life advice from someone who's an
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: expert on the topic, please write into Dear Chelsea podcast
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: at gmail dot com.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: And when we're back with Gemma's Bag, Okay, what do
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: we get our back?
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: Well, we're gonna start with a couple of callers today.
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: Our first caller is Michelle, and Michelle says, Dear Chelsea.
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: I'm twenty five years old, and over the past two years,
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: I've questioned my sexuality and recently accepted that I'm gay.
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: I haven't told many people, and I'm not sure when
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: I will fully come out. I live in a small town.
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: It's a cute mountaintown where I can do all the
• 31:10
  Speaker 3: things I love, like trail running, climbing, and skiing. I've
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: met some great people and have formed some really meaningful relationships.
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: I have also been given a huge career opportunity here.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: I was recently asked to be a partner in a
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: business that I really believe in and care about. However,
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: since coming to terms with my sexuality, I have struggled
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: with the idea of staying in my small town. I
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: don't have many friends in the queer community here, and
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: I've recently realized how important it is to have that.
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: I can't help but think I might be happier living
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: somewhere bigger and more diverse. However, the work opportunity is
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: keeping me here, at least for the time being. We've
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: discussed opening locations in other cities, but I just don't
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: know how well that would go over with my boss.
• 31:49
  Speaker 3: I just don't know if I can stay here long term.
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: Is it crazy to want to try something that I
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: don't even know would be worth it? Should I risk
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: the opportunity that I have now? Any advice is so appreciated.
• 31:59
  Speaker 3: Michelle Hi, Michelle, Hi, Hi?
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: How old are you?
• 32:04
  Speaker 7: I'm twenty five?
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: Oh? Perfect? This is the perfect age range.
• 32:08
  Speaker 4: This is literally right up my alley. Yeah. Do you
• 32:11
  Speaker 4: mind telling you what what mountain town do you live in?
• 32:13
  Speaker 4: Or is that too? Are you going?
• 32:15
  Speaker 7: I live in Jackson Hallwayoming.
• 32:16
  Speaker 4: Oh my god?
• 32:17
  Speaker 3: Nice?
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: You see, we were going to say that.
• 32:19
  Speaker 4: I thought's crazy.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: I was as soon as you said mounttown.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: I was like, Oh, she's from Jackson holl Okay, anyway, I'm.
• 32:27
  Speaker 7: Not from there, but that's that's where Yeah, that's where
• 32:29
  Speaker 7: I live.
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: I understand that you live in a small mountaintown, but
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: I feel like you're Do you have any information that
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: leads you to believe that your coworkers or your boss
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: is going to have an issue with you being gay?
• 32:40
  Speaker 7: No? No, no, no, no, So that's not the problem.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: What is the problem.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: You think You're not going to find enough community there,
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: right right, I see, I feel like you have a
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: great job opportunity that already sounds like it could bleed
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: into like going to a different city and opening up
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: different franchises or whatever the business, you know, different outposts
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: in different cities. I wouldn't want you to project what
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: you think is going to be the result of your
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: sexuality before you find that out.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I'm saying?
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: Like, have you really given yourself a chance to be
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: out and about in Jackson Hole, in your job, in
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: your community?
• 33:22
  Speaker 7: No right to good point?
• 33:24
  Speaker 9: Actually yeah, I guess my issue is also I have
• 33:29
  Speaker 9: a gay.
• 33:30
  Speaker 7: Brother, which is just a coincidence, but I.
• 33:33
  Speaker 9: Think that I see his community, and then I see
• 33:34
  Speaker 9: communities like in bigger cities about like all of these
• 33:37
  Speaker 9: other people that have friends in the queer community, and
• 33:39
  Speaker 9: Jackson Hole is just so small that it is so accepting,
• 33:43
  Speaker 9: And that's not the issue. Like acceptance would be fine.
• 33:46
  Speaker 9: The issue would be like just having that community there
• 33:50
  Speaker 9: as opposed to like living in a bigger city and
• 33:53
  Speaker 9: having a community.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: I guess I just think that you're you're twenty five
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: years old.
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: You have we were just talking about, you have your
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: whole life out of you, even though I'm sure you
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: feel like you're already halfway in the grave because twenty
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: five year olds think they're fucking old.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: But you have your like this is you have a
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: great job opportunity.
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: I would combine the two things and see how it
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: works out in Jackson Hole with the intention of moving
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: to a bigger city down the road.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: Like, you don't have to do that this year. You
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: could wait a year, you could.
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: Maybe wait two years, but you don't have to spend
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: the rest of your life in Jackson Hole. You can
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: stay in this town, develop your job, like see where
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: that takes you, and maybe that will be the vehicle that.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: Takes you to another city. You know, if you give
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: yourself some.
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: Time to just like chill out and feel the vibe out,
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: you don't know, you could fall in love with somebody
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: in Jackson Hole.
• 34:40
  Speaker 5: I'm just going to say, I do really appreciate the
• 34:43
  Speaker 5: the being young in the quick community, right, and it
• 34:46
  Speaker 5: feels like that's where it really is when you're like
• 34:49
  Speaker 5: in your twenties and let you're young and queer and
• 34:52
  Speaker 5: like in New York Annuo Leans, like in one of
• 34:55
  Speaker 5: those like Vinrent places, I do think that sometimes it's
• 34:58
  Speaker 5: like life is sometimes series of waiting rooms, and you're
• 35:01
  Speaker 5: probably in this waiting room right now where you're like,
• 35:04
  Speaker 5: can I have it all? It's like, yes, you can,
• 35:07
  Speaker 5: just not all at the same time. So you could
• 35:10
  Speaker 5: be in one of those huge cities and being like
• 35:12
  Speaker 5: I'm so accepted, I'm loved, I've got all these friends
• 35:15
  Speaker 5: and we're going to like chapel'r own gigs like super
• 35:17
  Speaker 5: fun and then be like, but my job sucks. So
• 35:20
  Speaker 5: I think like, right now, it's like you're really coming
• 35:22
  Speaker 5: upon like this major problem in conundrum, which is like
• 35:25
  Speaker 5: how come everything in my life isn't perfect at the
• 35:28
  Speaker 5: same time, Like how come I couldn't have both? So
• 35:31
  Speaker 5: I really think that you kind of have to like
• 35:33
  Speaker 5: flip the dice here. What's more important to you right
• 35:36
  Speaker 5: now knowing that you might not be able to have both.
• 35:38
  Speaker 5: Is it having the community that is brought by like
• 35:41
  Speaker 5: being like gay and like open in like a bigger place,
• 35:44
  Speaker 5: or is it having the career that then you could
• 35:45
  Speaker 5: build that community on in the future.
• 35:48
  Speaker 4: It's kind of up to you to choose, Yeah.
• 35:51
  Speaker 7: And I think just like it being so new right
• 35:53
  Speaker 7: now or new to like me accepting it. H that
• 35:56
  Speaker 7: feels like the like the bigger part is that like
• 35:59
  Speaker 7: it feels crazy to be in a big city where
• 36:01
  Speaker 7: like I could just be open and free and like
• 36:03
  Speaker 7: I don't know everyone at the store when I go
• 36:04
  Speaker 7: to the.
• 36:04
  Speaker 9: Grocery store every week. Yeah, like that feels like a
• 36:08
  Speaker 9: crazy feeling. So I think that's like the desirable thing
• 36:12
  Speaker 9: right now. But if I were to wait a little while,
• 36:13
  Speaker 9: I think it would be less exciting.
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: I would also encourage you to get involved in some
• 36:19
  Speaker 3: little community that's in your town, because there might be
• 36:22
  Speaker 3: folks that you don't know oregay or just aren't really out,
• 36:25
  Speaker 3: or maybe they are out and you just didn't know.
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: But also like maybe there's some travel opportunities here too.
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: Maybe there's like going to Pride in New York City
• 36:32
  Speaker 3: or a smaller town if that's more your vibe. There
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: are events all over the place all of the time.
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: So maybe this is like getting one friend in your
• 36:40
  Speaker 3: community who maybe you can travel with and do that
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: sort of thing. But I also think like just as
• 36:45
  Speaker 3: you begin to come out to more people, you'll start
• 36:47
  Speaker 3: to build that community, even though it's a small town.
• 36:50
  Speaker 7: Yeah, I think that's true.
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: Is there the potential.
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: Did you say with this job, there's the potential you
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: said of possibly opening up different branches or what was
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: that part.
• 36:58
  Speaker 7: Yeah, we've talked a lot about being different locations.
• 37:01
  Speaker 9: Actually, I am also in grad school and having a
• 37:04
  Speaker 9: really hard time finding nurse partitioner clinicals. So we've talked
• 37:07
  Speaker 9: about just like me moving somewhere for the eight months
• 37:09
  Speaker 9: that I have to do my clinicals to open up
• 37:11
  Speaker 9: another branch.
• 37:12
  Speaker 7: So that's also an option.
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: Well, there you go.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: I mean that's two killing two birds with one stone
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: or killing no or killing one bird with two stones.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: I'm not really sure.
• 37:25
  Speaker 9: Also, I guess like also hard, like little things like
• 37:28
  Speaker 9: Jackson Hole housing is horrible, so like leaving is kind
• 37:32
  Speaker 9: of scary because then you don't know if you're going
• 37:33
  Speaker 9: to get housing when you come back. It's just all
• 37:36
  Speaker 9: but yeah, I definitely have the opportunity, and I'm definitely
• 37:39
  Speaker 9: not complaining.
• 37:40
  Speaker 7: I live in like the most beautiful place ever.
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: So yeah, but you're in grad school, you've got a gig,
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: you've got a job, Like, you're comfortable with your newfound sexuality.
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: Like all of these things are awesome to know about yourself.
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: You're ahead of the game. So these are all good things.
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: The future is bright. You just have to figure out
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: what you're gonna do. And it sounds like I think
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: I know exactly what you're gonna do.
• 38:02
  Speaker 9: Yeah, I think. Yeah, I guess I do too. Talking
• 38:05
  Speaker 9: it out is definitely beneficial too.
• 38:07
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: And the most important thing, like the biggest takeaway is
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: it is so important to identify what you want out
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: of life, you know what I mean. It's so important
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: to hear you say like, this is who I am,
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: this is my sexuality, this is what I want, all
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: of those things. Saying that out loud is just so valuable,
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: Like these things will all come true for you. Yeah,
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: so great, have a great life, Michelle, It's gonna be
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: all this.
• 38:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, this is all really exciting for you so much.
• 38:36
  Speaker 7: Yeah, thank you so much for all the advice.
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. And enjoy the town you live in
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: while you're there.
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, okay, thanks Michelle.
• 38:46
  Speaker 7: Okay, thank you.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: Take care.
• 38:48
  Speaker 3: I have so many friends who didn't come out, which,
• 38:51
  Speaker 3: by the way, this is also fine, but like didn't
• 38:53
  Speaker 3: come out until they were in their thirties or even
• 38:56
  Speaker 3: in their forties in some cases, and like this is
• 38:59
  Speaker 3: so great for her. I'm so excited for her.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: What about Will Harper Harper? What's Harper's last name?
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: Don't know Harper's last name.
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: I always I want to say Harper Lee every time,
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: and then that's the author. But she she, I mean
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: she just came out and when she was in her fifties.
• 39:14
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 39:15
  Speaker 5: It's so hard though, because it's like there's this whole
• 39:17
  Speaker 5: thing of like being young and queer and like having
• 39:20
  Speaker 5: all those opportunities like living in Sydney, I say all
• 39:22
  Speaker 5: the time, and I live in like Newtown, which is
• 39:25
  Speaker 5: like the gay capital of Australia. And you see that,
• 39:30
  Speaker 5: and I'm sure she's seeing that and being like that
• 39:32
  Speaker 5: looks so fun and like exactly what we were saying before.
• 39:35
  Speaker 5: It's like, that's where my life is going to start
• 39:37
  Speaker 5: when that happens. Like I don't want to wait. I
• 39:39
  Speaker 5: don't want to wait. But I think she's gonna I
• 39:41
  Speaker 5: think everything's gonna turn out so perfectly for her.
• 39:43
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 39:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and she'll expand her community when it's the right time.
• 39:47
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.
• 39:48
  Speaker 3: Well her next color is ray and she says, Dear Chelsea,
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: I need your advice on being homesick, but also on
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: being too emotionally exhausted to go home. Here's the situation.
• 39:59
  Speaker 3: What about five years ago, I moved a little over
• 40:02
  Speaker 3: fourteen hundred miles away from my family, and honestly, the
• 40:05
  Speaker 3: distance worked wonders for us. It's given us the space
• 40:08
  Speaker 3: we've needed to heal our relationships, and we're all closer
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: than ever. I miss them dearly, but every time I visit,
• 40:13
  Speaker 3: the goodbyes are oscar worthy tear jerkers. I've tried every
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: family member for the airport drop off, trying to find
• 40:20
  Speaker 3: the one that won't make a scene, and spoiler alert,
• 40:23
  Speaker 3: they all do. It's gotten to the point where my
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: return flights are filled with dissociation, panic attacks going through security,
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: and I spiral into a post visit funk that lasts
• 40:32
  Speaker 3: weeks after returning. Every time I get back to my life,
• 40:35
  Speaker 3: which I might add is going great, it takes forever
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: to remember that homesickness doesn't mean I need to sell
• 40:40
  Speaker 3: everything and move back. It just means, well, I miss
• 40:43
  Speaker 3: my people, and that's not a bad thing. It's not
• 40:46
  Speaker 3: just airport drop off either. Oftentimes I'll visit for a
• 40:48
  Speaker 3: full seven days and we barely make it tonight too
• 40:51
  Speaker 3: before someone's tearing up over the impending farewell. Don't get
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: me wrong, I appreciate the love, but I am so tired, exhausted,
• 40:58
  Speaker 3: spent in between wanting to visit more and wanting to
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: avoid the emotional Olympics, and by the time I recover,
• 41:05
  Speaker 3: it's time for another visit and we do this all
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: over again. I do want to hold space for everyone's
• 41:10
  Speaker 3: emotions and all that jazz, but I'd love to be
• 41:12
  Speaker 3: honest and just say, y'all, I need you to be okay.
• 41:14
  Speaker 4: Please?
• 41:15
  Speaker 3: Am I the asshole here for feeling like I need
• 41:17
  Speaker 3: to manage everyone's emotions? Please give it to me straight?
• 41:20
  Speaker 3: Ray Hi, Ray, Hello?
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: Why is your family crying? What's up? How many people
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: are there? What's their problem?
• 41:30
  Speaker 6: It's like four of us in total, including my niece now,
• 41:33
  Speaker 6: who's starting to be old enough to like feed into
• 41:36
  Speaker 6: all of this emotion that's around her.
• 41:39
  Speaker 5: A baby crying is going to be that would be
• 41:41
  Speaker 5: so hot. It's like you've got the adults and then
• 41:43
  Speaker 5: you got the child.
• 41:44
  Speaker 4: The child.
• 41:45
  Speaker 7: Absolutely, yeah, No, it's it's not.
• 41:48
  Speaker 6: It's like I get phone calls every now and then
• 41:50
  Speaker 6: saying like we miss you, when are you coming back?
• 41:52
  Speaker 6: And they'll be like they'll put her on the phone,
• 41:54
  Speaker 6: and now she's the one who's like, when are you
• 41:56
  Speaker 6: coming back?
• 41:57
  Speaker 7: So it's a lot I don't know.
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: And you emotionally depleted because of their emotions or are
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: you also emotionally is it emotionally difficult for you to leave?
• 42:07
  Speaker 6: It is emotionally challenging for me. But the times that
• 42:10
  Speaker 6: I've had a friend, like a non biased party, like
• 42:14
  Speaker 6: drop me off at the airport, it's all fine. Yeah,
• 42:16
  Speaker 6: like the life's fine. Coming back here is fine, not
• 42:19
  Speaker 6: a big deal. But yeah, anytime I've had family members
• 42:21
  Speaker 6: drop me off, it's it's okay, so awful.
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: Do you know how to take a fucking uber?
• 42:28
  Speaker 6: Yes, But I'm saying like during the times that, like,
• 42:31
  Speaker 6: you know, we're sitting down for family dinner all night,
• 42:33
  Speaker 6: two out of seven, and my dad's just looking at me,
• 42:36
  Speaker 6: tearing up and stuff, thinking about how I'm gonna leave already,
• 42:39
  Speaker 6: you know, it's like I want to be kind of like, guys,
• 42:43
  Speaker 6: get your shit together.
• 42:44
  Speaker 7: But I talked to my therapist about this and she's like,
• 42:47
  Speaker 7: you need to.
• 42:47
  Speaker 6: Be grateful that they love you so much, And I'm like,
• 42:51
  Speaker 6: I get that, but I also want.
• 42:53
  Speaker 3: To but both can be true, right, you can be
• 42:56
  Speaker 3: grateful and also be like get your shits together.
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: It's not productive and it's clearly not helpful to you
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: when you're leaving and who knows what's going on. I mean,
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: it's not productive for any of you together and your
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: family to be crying about leaving when you've just got somewhere.
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: That doesn't make any sense.
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: So absolutely, and you've never broached the subject with your family.
• 43:19
  Speaker 6: No, I'm really trying to like let them have their
• 43:22
  Speaker 6: feelings and I'm not trying to like make them feel any.
• 43:25
  Speaker 7: Type of way.
• 43:25
  Speaker 6: But it's just getting to a point where it's making
• 43:29
  Speaker 6: me want to move back. It makes me forget about
• 43:32
  Speaker 6: how good my life is here. And it's not really
• 43:34
  Speaker 6: like me to want to just like give up everything
• 43:38
  Speaker 6: just to go back and like coddle everybody. But that's
• 43:41
  Speaker 6: the way it makes me feel.
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: But that's guilt. That's guilt.
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So they're making you feel guilty by their behavior
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: and they're not intentionally making you feel guilty, or maybe they.
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: Are, I don't know, but that's neither here nor there.
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: What you're feeling is guilt, and that's not a reason
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: to do anything, do you know what I mean?
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: You didn't do anything wrong. You're living your life.
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: You can't go back and live with your parents because
• 44:01
  Speaker 2: it'll make them feel better, then you're sacrificing yourself.
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: And there's a way to.
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: Have like a healthy, balanced visitation with them whenever you
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: choose to go home and also live your fullest, best life,
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: and they kind of have to get on board with that.
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: What do you think, Jemma, all right, I totally agree.
• 44:21
  Speaker 5: I totally agree. I've got some solutions. I think that Chelsea,
• 44:25
  Speaker 5: you've put now on the head it's guilt. I really
• 44:29
  Speaker 5: think that they should be coming to visit you a
• 44:30
  Speaker 5: little bit more as well.
• 44:31
  Speaker 4: I know it's hard with like.
• 44:33
  Speaker 5: Little kids, but if the main thing for you is
• 44:36
  Speaker 5: like coming back and the homesickness and the disruption to
• 44:40
  Speaker 5: your routine and your like sense of joy with your
• 44:43
  Speaker 5: current life, maybe it would work better if it's like
• 44:46
  Speaker 5: they're in your home, they're in your place. Your return
• 44:50
  Speaker 5: return after they've left is less of a calm down.
• 44:54
  Speaker 5: Also loved the advice get like a friend to drop
• 44:56
  Speaker 5: you off. I have this problem with my family as well.
• 45:00
  Speaker 5: Oh and it's exhausting, right, It's exhausting. Yeah, And sometimes
• 45:05
  Speaker 5: I'm like I don't really can I come home for Christmas.
• 45:07
  Speaker 5: I don't want to deal with that. And it's love them, Yeah,
• 45:10
  Speaker 5: you love them so much, but you're like, I want
• 45:14
  Speaker 5: to move forward with my life, but I also don't
• 45:17
  Speaker 5: want to lose this relationship that we have that is
• 45:19
  Speaker 5: so beautiful.
• 45:20
  Speaker 4: What am I going to do?
• 45:21
  Speaker 5: And I think the way I've really dealt with that
• 45:23
  Speaker 5: is like we're going to meet in neutral places. So
• 45:25
  Speaker 5: now we go on family holidays together where the experience
• 45:28
  Speaker 5: is like, oh, I'm so sad that we're leaving this
• 45:30
  Speaker 5: beautiful place. Or they come and visit me fifty percent
• 45:33
  Speaker 5: of the time so it's not as jolting. And also
• 45:36
  Speaker 5: they appreciate that, like, my life is really lovely. And
• 45:40
  Speaker 5: if I was to move home, I'm gonna give that up.
• 45:43
  Speaker 5: If I was to move back to Melbourne, like, I'm
• 45:45
  Speaker 5: not going to have this, and surely that's what they
• 45:47
  Speaker 5: want for me more than they want my presence. See
• 45:51
  Speaker 5: if they take the bank, See if you can do
• 45:52
  Speaker 5: Christmas wherever you are.
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: See that's a great idea.
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: That's a great idea to switch it up so you're
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: not going to their house all the time.
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: And how frequently do you see them. It's like once
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: a quarter, once a physical quarter. Yeah, break it up.
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: But I also don't think I think you should.
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: I think there's a way to have a conversation like
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: with your family and not necessarily face to face, like
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: maybe in an email.
• 46:20
  Speaker 8: Text to ahead of time, not a text that seems
• 46:25
  Speaker 8: maybe like a family email to be Like, listen, you, guys,
• 46:29
  Speaker 8: I know it's emotional when I come home.
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: I feel the same way about you guys that you
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: feel about me. But it really weighs heavily on me
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: every time I leave, and I have this overwhelming guilt.
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: And I know you're not intentionally.
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: Just let them off the hook right right away, Like,
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: I know you're not trying to make me feel guilty,
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: but it's becoming more difficult for me to visit you
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: if this is how I have to leave, Like, I
• 46:51
  Speaker 2: don't want all these tears. It's it's you know, it
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: makes it pulls at me, and I don't want to
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: stop visiting you. So isn't there a way we can
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: figure out, you know, a more like pleasant way to
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: spend our time enjoying each other's presence rather than fearing
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: each other's absence.
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: Absolutely write that down like I'm taking.
• 47:14
  Speaker 3: Say, Ray is actually like our first color ever, who's
• 47:16
  Speaker 3: actually writing things down?
• 47:19
  Speaker 5: Because it's true the family, your family, that's true that
• 47:24
  Speaker 5: the time spent should just be loving and enjoy and
• 47:27
  Speaker 5: a reunion.
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: Not foreboding and oh no, she's gonna have to leave again.
• 47:32
  Speaker 2: That's like very fearful, very guilty behavior. And there's so
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: many nice ways to say that without making, you know,
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: making it something like you know, it doesn't have to
• 47:41
  Speaker 2: be cantankerous or vitriolic. You're just saying out of love,
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: like it's getting harder for me to deal with leaving,
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: and you know, I have a full life here. I'm
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: very happy, you know. So I mean, do they actually
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: put it on the table for you to come move back?
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: Do they suggest that a lot?
• 47:58
  Speaker 6: Oh yeah, they're always like we have a room for you,
• 48:00
  Speaker 6: we have some land, we can put you something on, like,
• 48:04
  Speaker 6: you know, if you ever need to come back, you know,
• 48:05
  Speaker 6: we've got spare funds for you to get you back here.
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: So that's all I mean.
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: So you should definitely be clear as an adult woman,
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: you should just be clear of being like I also
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: would rather you guys not keep saying that every time
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: I come home. It's almost like you're ignoring my life
• 48:20
  Speaker 2: and the presence, you know, Like, I have a life,
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: I'm happy. Don't you want me to be happy. I'm
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: your daughter, you must want me to be happy. I
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: am happy, So can you please let me be happy
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: so we can all be happy together?
• 48:33
  Speaker 6: Yeah?
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: I think you should like say say that too and
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: let them know, you know, because that's all.
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: It's all very manipulative.
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: And even though they're your family and they love you,
• 48:41
  Speaker 2: that's who you manipulate, the people that are closest to you.
• 48:44
  Speaker 3: That's true. Have any of them been to visit you
• 48:46
  Speaker 3: yet or not yet?
• 48:47
  Speaker 6: They've all been out here once, Okay, okay, they've come
• 48:51
  Speaker 6: out here separately in the five years that I've been here.
• 48:53
  Speaker 6: So there's definitely some opportunity for some more visitation on
• 48:57
  Speaker 6: their end, for sure.
• 48:58
  Speaker 2: And then maybe you guys can find somewhere to go
• 49:00
  Speaker 2: away for one of the holidays like Christmas one year.
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: That'd be sad.
• 49:04
  Speaker 6: Jemma, I really love that. I love the idea of
• 49:06
  Speaker 6: meeting in like a neutral place.
• 49:08
  Speaker 4: It's really good.
• 49:08
  Speaker 5: And then you do activities rather than just sitting at
• 49:11
  Speaker 5: the harm that you go out and do stuff rather
• 49:15
  Speaker 5: than just being like, oh, let's go through the baby album, like.
• 49:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah, your old room.
• 49:20
  Speaker 5: It's like no, like, let's go see, let's go to
• 49:23
  Speaker 5: the zoo, let's go like go get coffee.
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and make sure you don't forget to mention you
• 49:29
  Speaker 2: know how lucky you are to have such a loving
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: family and how.
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: Lucky you know you are. You know, absolutely because you are.
• 49:37
  Speaker 6: Thank you so much for not making me feel delusional,
• 49:39
  Speaker 6: because now I said, I'm getting a second opinion here,
• 49:42
  Speaker 6: because the first time around my advice was like people,
• 49:45
  Speaker 6: I'm like, wait, I.
• 49:46
  Speaker 5: Am your therapist sucks. Just gonna tell you that. Sorry,
• 49:49
  Speaker 5: I know that that's probably not right, but.
• 49:53
  Speaker 4: You should get any one.
• 49:54
  Speaker 6: It might be time for a switch up.
• 49:57
  Speaker 3: It's never a bad thing, all right, Ray, thank you
• 49:59
  Speaker 3: so much listening to this podcast. So let to send
• 50:04
  Speaker 3: this to her. It's fine.
• 50:05
  Speaker 6: Well I see her tomorrow, so I'll we'll sure we'll
• 50:08
  Speaker 6: find out, all right.
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: Thanks for calling, and good luck with everything.
• 50:13
  Speaker 7: Thanks so much. Nice to meet you all.
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: Bye, nice bye. Okay, we'll take a break and we'll
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: be right back with Jemma Sbeg. And we're back with
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: Jabs Beg.
• 50:27
  Speaker 3: We are back. So we have one final question. This
• 50:30
  Speaker 3: comes from Brianna. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty
• 50:33
  Speaker 3: six year old woman, and I've recently started a new
• 50:35
  Speaker 3: job as a marketing coordinator for a small company. I
• 50:38
  Speaker 3: previously worked as a bartender since I was eighteen years old.
• 50:41
  Speaker 3: She must be in Canada or something. I bartended through
• 50:44
  Speaker 3: college and always made great money, so after graduating, I
• 50:47
  Speaker 3: kind of got stuck in the industry and wasn't thinking
• 50:49
  Speaker 3: about looking for a different job. I started to get
• 50:52
  Speaker 3: sick of it and decided it was time to start
• 50:54
  Speaker 3: a more stable career. And now that I have that,
• 50:56
  Speaker 3: I'm realizing it may not be what I want. At
• 50:59
  Speaker 3: my entry level position, I'm currently making less money working
• 51:02
  Speaker 3: eight to five Monday to Friday than I was working
• 51:05
  Speaker 3: maybe thirty hours a week at a bar. I'm picking
• 51:08
  Speaker 3: up weekend shifts at the bar for extra cash, and
• 51:10
  Speaker 3: I'm starting to feel burnt out. I'm also struggling with
• 51:12
  Speaker 3: the lack of freedom that comes with the eight to
• 51:14
  Speaker 3: five and feel like I don't have time for things
• 51:16
  Speaker 3: that I love to do, like working out or going
• 51:19
  Speaker 3: to a yoga class. I hate sitting at a desk
• 51:21
  Speaker 3: all day and it feels like the company I'm working
• 51:23
  Speaker 3: for doesn't have enough for me to do, so I'm
• 51:25
  Speaker 3: extremely bored and feeling very unfulfilled and how there. Yeah,
• 51:29
  Speaker 3: I also have a passion for traveling and scupa diving,
• 51:32
  Speaker 3: and I know that working in the corporate world will
• 51:34
  Speaker 3: limit the amount of time I can travel compared to
• 51:36
  Speaker 3: being able to take time off whenever I want. While bartending,
• 51:39
  Speaker 3: I'm torn between wanting to stick it out and give
• 51:42
  Speaker 3: it some time to get the experience and hopefully move
• 51:44
  Speaker 3: up to a different position or company that I enjoy more,
• 51:48
  Speaker 3: and saying fuck it and going back to bartending. Any
• 51:50
  Speaker 3: advice is greatly appreciated. BS. Your podcast is currently the
• 51:53
  Speaker 3: only thing getting me through my long, boring days at
• 51:55
  Speaker 3: the office.
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: Much love, Bran sounds that sounds so boring. Honestly, that
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: job sounds awful. I would go back to bartending. Honestly,
• 52:06
  Speaker 2: you feel like you're adventurous, you want to do more
• 52:08
  Speaker 2: things with your life. Sitting in a job hoping that
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: you're going to get promoted at some point to a
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: different position, Still be at a desk where you're still
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: if you're not. Some people are meant to be sitting
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: at desks and some people are not.
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: I'm not. I can't sit behind a desk.
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: I can't even sit on a couch without you know,
• 52:25
  Speaker 2: like this, I have to sit Chris cross apples halls.
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I can't even do anything. You know, like
• 52:31
  Speaker 2: I get it. I totally feel you. And I would
• 52:33
  Speaker 2: say that's your.
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: Deep inner self telling you this is not the way
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: you want to go through life.
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: And if you can go through life being a bartender
• 52:43
  Speaker 2: making probably twice as much money as you're going to
• 52:46
  Speaker 2: make at that entry level office job and working half
• 52:49
  Speaker 2: as much, and I have all that extra time to
• 52:52
  Speaker 2: do all of the things that you want to do,
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: like yoga or scuba dive or travel, then I think
• 52:56
  Speaker 2: it's a no brainer. What I would say also, is
• 53:00
  Speaker 2: just because it's this isn't the job, does it mean
• 53:03
  Speaker 2: that there isn't another job out there for you that
• 53:07
  Speaker 2: can like use your creativity or your brain in a
• 53:10
  Speaker 2: way that you would be more attuned to do or
• 53:15
  Speaker 2: better equipped to do. I'll say you should keep thinking
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: about what you what you are passionate about. You know,
• 53:20
  Speaker 2: maybe you are maybe you're so passionate about scuba diving
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: you want to become a dive master, maybe you're so
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: passionate about travel you want to be a flight attendant
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: or you want to be in some sort of you know, run.
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: A travel group.
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: Like you should look to your areas of interests that
• 53:33
  Speaker 2: are really like that take up your time, and and
• 53:37
  Speaker 2: look at job opportunities in those areas.
• 53:40
  Speaker 3: And you know, what is a great side hustle while
• 53:43
  Speaker 3: you're learning to be a scuba master? What is a
• 53:45
  Speaker 3: dive master bartending all pay the bills while you're seeking
• 53:49
  Speaker 3: out the thing that you're actually passionate about.
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what do you think, Jemma?
• 53:53
  Speaker 5: I agree with everything above. I will say one caveat.
• 53:56
  Speaker 5: I have a six month job rule. So if you're
• 54:01
  Speaker 5: still within that six month period, I know it might
• 54:04
  Speaker 5: sound counter to what you want us to say, but
• 54:06
  Speaker 5: wait out the six months. You don't know whether it's
• 54:10
  Speaker 5: just the adjustment that's scary or whether it's actually the job.
• 54:14
  Speaker 5: I know it sounds like it's pretty boring, so I'm
• 54:17
  Speaker 5: guessing that, like, maybe you get six months and you
• 54:20
  Speaker 5: still hate it, but then you can say like, I
• 54:22
  Speaker 5: gave it a shot. I tried this, it didn't work,
• 54:27
  Speaker 5: instead of leaving after two to three months and being like,
• 54:29
  Speaker 5: maybe I just didn't give it enough time, and then
• 54:31
  Speaker 5: finding yourself in that cycle of like feeling bad and
• 54:34
  Speaker 5: then going back and then hating it and blah blah
• 54:36
  Speaker 5: blah blah blah. Also like I don't know, I'm someone
• 54:38
  Speaker 5: who hated working a desk job, worked a desk job
• 54:41
  Speaker 5: for like a long time, always knew I didn't want
• 54:44
  Speaker 5: to do it, but I use it as my security
• 54:47
  Speaker 5: net to do something else that was more what I
• 54:50
  Speaker 5: wanted to do. So there isn't one way to go
• 54:52
  Speaker 5: through it. You can work the corporate job, get maybe
• 54:57
  Speaker 5: a couple of promotions, start making good enough money to
• 54:59
  Speaker 5: be planning full a new branch to your life. As
• 55:02
  Speaker 5: of right now, though I'd say maybe time to get
• 55:05
  Speaker 5: out of that.
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: I think the six month rule is good, you know.
• 55:09
  Speaker 2: I think that's a good kind of barometer too. I
• 55:12
  Speaker 2: don't think it has to happen tomorrow. You know, you
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: can wait a little bit and see, but either way
• 55:18
  Speaker 2: you're probably leaving.
• 55:19
  Speaker 3: So yeah, that's the story. All right, Well, Branda, let
• 55:23
  Speaker 3: us know how it goes.
• 55:24
  Speaker 2: And we can go to rep Okay, Okay, Well, Jemma,
• 55:27
  Speaker 2: thank you so much for coming here with your twenty
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: year old self and giving advice to other twenty year olds.
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: We really needed it.
• 55:33
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm glad that you guys learnt how absolutely fucked
• 55:36
  Speaker 5: it is for us.
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: I know, I don't love that part, but I guess
• 55:40
  Speaker 2: I understand it. But I think every generation, every like
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: you know, is dealing with their own ball of bullshit.
• 55:48
  Speaker 2: But it always feels like whatever the youngest generation is
• 55:52
  Speaker 2: right now, it has it the worst, you know what
• 55:54
  Speaker 2: I mean, Like before that it was the thirty year
• 55:57
  Speaker 2: olds and now so it's it's really hard to say
• 55:59
  Speaker 2: if it's just that period of your life or if
• 56:02
  Speaker 2: it really if the world is really a scarier place
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: than it was.
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: And I am of the belief that the world is
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: a scarier place than it was.
• 56:12
  Speaker 2: Any sense is over, there is no longer innocence.
• 56:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I have to agree with that one.
• 56:17
  Speaker 3: And Gemma, where can everyone find you?
• 56:19
  Speaker 5: So have my own podcast It's called The Psychology of
• 56:22
  Speaker 5: Your Twenties. We talk about a lot of what we
• 56:23
  Speaker 5: spoke about today. You can also follow me on Instagram
• 56:27
  Speaker 5: at that Psychology podcast or at Gemma speG dema with
• 56:31
  Speaker 5: a J, spg with a B.
• 56:33
  Speaker 3: And you can pick up a copy of Gemma's new
• 56:35
  Speaker 3: book Person in progress at the link in the description.
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: Thank you, Gemma. Have a great rest of your night.
• 56:42
  Speaker 4: Morning morning, morning, morning, have.
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: A great rest of your morning, Gemma.
• 56:45
  Speaker 4: Thanks much, Thanks so much, Thanks bye bye.
• 56:48
  Speaker 2: Okay, my remaining dates for Vegas. There are remaining dates
• 56:52
  Speaker 2: for this year. Summertime is coming and I will be
• 56:58
  Speaker 2: in Vegas at the Cosmo my residency on August thirtieth,
• 57:03
  Speaker 2: and then November one and twenty ninth. November one and
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: November twenty ninth, I will be in Las Vegas at
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: the Cosmo performing inside Myself at the Chelsea.
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason.
• 57:16
  Speaker 4: Okay, thank you.
• 57:19
  Speaker 3: Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea
• 57:21
  Speaker 3: Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
• 57:25
  Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod.
• 57:29
  Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
• 57:33
  Speaker 3: producer Catherine law And be sure to check out our
• 57:35
  Speaker 3: merch at Chelseahandler dot com