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Ephesians 6:1-4 (Missing End) · Providence Baptist Church - Sermons

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  Let me ask you to take your copy of God's Word and turn to Ephesians chapter 6.
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  As stated previously, we're taking a single Sunday break from our study of Daniel
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  ! to address the fathers and potential future fathers of our congregation.
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  First, before delivering any exhortation, dads, I want you to know that we see the
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  hard work that you are doing, and we are generally very proud of you. I'm looking at two dads
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  rocking babies to sleep in the back corner right now, and it's wonderful. Being a father
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  is not easy, and we are seeing your efforts and the fruits of your labor. I don't know
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  if any of you pay attention to the Babylon Bee, but one of the headlines from this morning,
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  I don't even know why I was on Twitter this morning, but nonetheless, it said,
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  entire nation takes a day to celebrate useless parents, which is the suggestion of our culture
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  that dads play no part in parenting except to follow the child to begin with. And it's,
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  of course, tongue-in-cheek, but your labor matters. But that said, we all have improving to do in our
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  parenting. So I also do not want you to stop growing in your fathering, but please take today's brief
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  exhortation as an encouragement to do well and not in any form as condemnation. Second, the Greek word
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  rendered in verse 4 of Ephesians 6, fathers, can also mean parents, although it's a different Greek
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  word than we see translated as parents in verse 1. Now, I appreciate the translation of the word into
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  our English word as fathers, as dads are to be the heads of our households and ought to be giving
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  leadership in the raising of children, with mothers as helpers in this most precious responsibility.
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  So either way, you think it ought to be translated. The point is this, moms, don't let the teaching of
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  this text be lost on you. Now, further this morning, if you're not a parent, don't check out on us. I hope
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  that you will be encouraged as we consider the ways that our Heavenly Father disciplines us. Godly
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  parenting is meant to model, it's meant to be an outflow of the way that we are parented by God. So I
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  hope you'll find that encouraging. Now, today we're going to give particular attention to verse 4,
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  but to set the stage a bit, we'll begin reading in verse 1 of Ephesians chapter 6. Before I read, let me remind
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  you, beloved, that this is God's word to us, written for his glory and our good, and so we would all do well
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  to listen to it in order to believe its promises and obey its commands. Ephesians 6, verse 1 and following.
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  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, this is the
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  first commandment, with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.
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  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction
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  of the Lord. So again, we're going to spend most of our time on verse 4, but before we do that,
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  children, let me have your attention. There's kids in the room that can hear me and understand what I'm
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  saying, but the Apostle Paul is speaking to you in verses 1 through 3, and he tells you that it is good
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  for you to obey your parents. Your parents were given to you as a gift from God to help you follow
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  him so that your life will go well, and by his definition of that, not ours. You ought to listen to
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  the godly discipline of your parents, and you need to extend forgiveness to your parents when they mess
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  up, because they have and they will mess up. Now, children, you're done. Let's focus our attention
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  on verse 4. The first half says, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. Fathers, and by proxy,
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  mothers, are exhorted to not anger our children. But is this possible? We have experienced anger from
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  our children when our discipline is careful, and it is gentle, and it is fair. I can remember Judah as a
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  two-year-old sitting in timeout screaming and me correcting him and telling him that if he continued
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  to do so that I would spank his bottom, and he balled up his little fists, and he got this angry
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  look on his face, and he pounded the floor, and then guess what happened to little Judah? We had been
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  very patient with him in the process, but he got angry nonetheless, right? Are we being told here to
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  tiptoe around our children's feelings in such a way that we ensure that they will never get angry?
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  After all, anger is a condition of the fallen heart. Those of us who are redeemed, who have
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  new hearts, still find ourselves getting angry. So is it even possible to not anger a child?
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  Votie Bakken once said at a conference I attended, and he said it in his big deep voice, which I can't do.
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  He said, do you know why babies are so small? Because if they weren't, they will kill you the first time
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  you didn't give them something that they want. We have all witnessed the fury of an infant.
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  They can get so extremely angry because they're hungry or they're tired. Surely Paul doesn't want
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  us to center all of our child training on our children's feelings in such a way that they always
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  get their way. So what does he mean? Now, two details are going to help us understand his meaning.
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  First, in the text, the word provoke is in the present tense, which means that it speaks
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  to a state of being. He's not just talking about an action. He's talking about the very being of our
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  children. Paul is saying, do not make your children provoked with anger. Don't make them children who
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  would be defined by their anger. So it would seem that this is a deep-rooted type of anger, an anger
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  that is set against the father and against the father's leadership. The second detail we can note,
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  if we look to the parallel passage in Colossians chapter three and verse 21, Paul uses the same
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  word provoke, but with a different qualifier this time. He says, fathers do not provoke your children
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  lest they become discouraged. So when we take these two details together, it becomes obvious that Paul
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  is not exhorting fathers to avoid our children ever becoming angry with us for this is inevitable,
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  but rather to parent them in a way that they do not turn against our good parenting in angry
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  discouragement. The last half of the verse gives us the adverse of this. What is then the opposite of
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  this to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord? When we see the word discipline,
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  we automatically think, at least I do, of punitive action, right? Being a harsh consequence to something
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  that's been done. But that is not at all what Paul has in mind. His idea is much broader. The word
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  discipline means to train. It's the same word that we use for discipleship. When a top athlete is referred
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  to as disciplined, we don't think of them as receiving daily spankings, right? It's not what comes into our
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  mind, but of carefully training their bodies for whatever task they have set themselves to. This is
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  what Paul is referring to. And our children need two types of discipline. They need instructive discipline,
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  being told and shown how they are not to act. Beloved parents, we will not do this well if we do not know
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  how our children are to act and how they are not to act. We are not the ones who define that.
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  We can only learn this from God's word. Do not take your cues from this world about how your children
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  should or shouldn't act, but rather from God's word. After all, we're to bring them up in the
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  discipline and training or the instruction of the Lord. If all of that is packed into the word
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  discipline, why then does Paul also say instruction, right? I think some people will read this and think of
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  the negative consequence and the positive, but actually quite the opposite is true. The word
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  instruction, the Greek word means warning. Our children need to know that the eternal consequence
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  for them not obeying God is eternal punishment. They need to understand that the temporal instructive
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  discipline and temporal corrective discipline of their parents is not ultimately aimed at their
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  external behavior. It's a good thing that our children learn how to behave appropriately, but that's not the
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  main point. It is ultimately aimed at their hearts. We want our children to fear and love God.
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  This is the great end of all godly parenting, right? So we're to discipline and instruct.
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  That is why we must discipline and instruct our children by God's word and why we must discipline
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  and instruct our children according to God's ways. So not only does the last half of verse four tell us
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  that we should discipline and instruct them by God's standard, by his word, but in consistency with
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  his character. We are supposed to parent our children the way God parents us, the discipline and instruction
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  of the Lord. So to help us think about this a little bit, I for many years wondered what exactly or how
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  exactly do I avoid doing this work of provoking my children to anger? And then I came across a book that
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  I'll come into you. It's got one of the worst book covers I've ever seen, but the content of it is so
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  good. And it's called the heart of anger by Lou Priolo. And he gives in there 25 ways that parents
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  provoke their children to anger. And these are observations that he's seen across as many years of
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  biblical counseling. These are on the back of your bulletin for you. And I think there's some extra out
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  there in the hallway. If you want to grab them at some point, we do not have nearly enough time today to
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  talk about every one of these things. And some of them are a little bit redundant. They overlap a bit.
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  And I think by design, right? I think that Lou wants you to read through these things and apply them very
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  carefully to your heart to think, am I doing any of these things? Is there any way that I'm developing
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  this kind of sinful anger in the hearts of my children? So I do want, I'm going to read through them and I just
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  want to make some notes at a couple of them. You'll note the ones that I bold faced on the back of your
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  bulletin. Those are the ones I'll stop and make a couple of comments about just to help us think
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  well about this together today. And of course, I would commend to you that book, especially if you
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  have a child who you find is particularly angry as a child. So let's talk about these just briefly.
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  Number one, a lack of marital harmony, right? If there's not peace in the house, how can we expect
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  our children to be at peace? Number two, establishing and maintaining a child centered home.
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  Number three, modeling sinful anger. We cannot expect our children to not have hearts of anger.
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  If we have hearts of anger, this is what we're expressing to them. They are watching us. They are
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  being discipled by the way we act, even when we're not trying to disciple them. James writes in James
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  chapter four, beginning in verse one, what causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not
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  this that your passions are at war within you? So what's happening in our hearts is what causes
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  the types of strife that comes out of us. And the beginning of verse two, he says, you desire and
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  do not have. So you murder, right? We want our house to be peaceful. We want our house to be clean. We
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  want our children to be obedient. We want to not be bothered when we get home. And so we get angry.
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  We say in essence to our spouses or to our children, I wish you didn't exist when we act in this way
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  toward one another, right? So modeling sinful anger is a way to provoke this kind of anger in your
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  children. Number four, habitually disciplining in anger, right? So there's the anger now aimed in the
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  instruction of our children. Number five, scolding our children. Number six, being inconsistent with our
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  discipline. Our children will never learn to obey if the expectations that we set for them are not
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  clear, if the consequences are not clear, and if the corrective discipline is not consistent, right?
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  Adults like this kind of thing, right? Have you ever worked a job where you didn't really know what your boss
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  expected of you, and you weren't really sure what would happen if you didn't meet the expectations?
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  That's a frustrating place to work. I've worked in those kinds of environments. Like, we love this kind of
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  clarity, what the expectations are, what the consequences will be, and then with our children, we need to be
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  consistent following through with that discipline. I wonder how many of you prepared your children for today.
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  Did you talk to them about what you expected of them during our time together? Why your expectations are
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  important, and what would happen if they were not obedient? This is an example, right? If not, I want to
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  encourage you to try to do so next week, or the next time you go to grandma and grandpa's house, or, right?
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  You may be surprised what your children can accomplish when you set very clear expectations for them,
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  when you give them very clear consequences, and you follow through with those corrections.
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  There's been a trend lately that I've seen from a lot of Christian parents. I call it the parenting with
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  grace trend, which really is a perversion of grace, and this means that we will, in an attempt to express
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  our father's love, we will overlook some of your sins. We know the consequence would normally be, but we're not
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  going to give you that consequence, because we want you to understand that our God is a God of grace.
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  But this is not the way that God deals with us. There are always temporal consequences for our sin.
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  What we have paid for us in Christ is the eternal consequences of our sin. Praise be to God, right?
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  We deserve death. We deserve hell. But if we believed in Jesus, he has taken on the punishment of death for us.
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  But God does not dismiss the temporal consequences. There are still consequences for our action. Why?
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  Because he loves us. So if you're getting caught up in this parenting with grace trend, let me just say to you
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  that you're not being loving, you're being lazy.
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  And I fall into that trap a lot, right? I give the so-and-so, come here. And they don't come on the
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  first try. And it's so much easier just to say it again than go through an entire discipline process
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  with them. But the loving thing to do is to say, I expect you to obey me the first time, right? And to
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  track through with whatever consequence we have laid out for that. The way that we parent with grace
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  is that when our children don't act like our children, and anytime my children disobey me,
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  they are expressing that they don't believe that I love them and I care for them, right? They're not
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  acting like my children when they do that, right? The grace piece is I don't hang a free child sign
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  around their neck and set them out on the curb, right? The grace I show them is that they're still
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  mine, that I love them and I care about them and I want them to be corrected for their good,
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  right? This is the way I follow through consistently. And I don't do this perfectly,
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  but this is the work that we ought to be doing, being consistent in our discipline, right?
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  Praise be to God that in Christ, Romans 8, 1, there is therefore now no condemnation, right?
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  We will not be found guilty eternally for our sin. But the author of Hebrews writes in chapter 12 and
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  verse 7 that it is for discipline that we have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son
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  is there whom his father does not discipline, right? Our God is consistent with us to help us,
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  to train us in righteousness, and we need to be doing the same. We need to be extending that to
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  our children as well. So work at being consistent with your discipline. Number 7, having double standards.
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  Number 8, being legalistic. Number 9, not admitting you're wrong and not asking for forgiveness.
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  Parents, if we ever get anything right, it's by grace alone. Amen? Because God has helped us get it
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  right. So we have all the reason in the world to be humble in our parenting and no reason to be proud.
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  We will make mistakes. We will make mistakes. And the parent who is striving to not provoke their
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  child to anger will be willing to admit their wrongs and ask their child for forgiveness.
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  Ask their child for forgiveness. You can ask my children. I have issued countless apologies
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  to them. And I can tell you, it is a humbling thing to ask for the forgiveness of a two-year-old.
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  And, you know, your father corrected you. You needed to be corrected, but I corrected you in anger.
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  And I should not have corrected you in anger. Will you forgive me? It will melt your heart for
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  a two-year-old and say, sure, dad. Right? Dad, it is good for your soul and it is good for your
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  family to ask for forgiveness when you have been wrong.
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  Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew chapter 7, verse 3, speaks about removing a log from your
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  eye to see clearly the speck that's in your brother's eye. If you'll allow me a little bit of
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  editorial privilege, I'd like to read verses 3 through 5 to you. Why do you see the speck that
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  is in your child's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your
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  child, let me take the speck out of your eye when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite.
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  First take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your
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  child's eye. We ought to always view our own sin that way. Our sin is always the log and other sin
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  is the speck, right? And we ought to work to remove that. So be willing to be humble and admit that you're
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  wrong and ask your children for forgiveness. Number 10, constantly finding fault. Number 11,
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  parents reversing God-given roles, right? Women in the house having to step up and be the lead
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  disciplinarian. Number 12, not listening to your child's opinion or taking his or her side of the
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  story seriously. I heard a story, a friend of mine told me a story of his friend who got home and his
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  mother had told him he had to go tell his father what he had done that day. And the son began telling
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  the story and the father got angry with him and decided to discipline him. And the son was trying
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  to continue to talk and the dad would not hear what he had to say. So he spanked him, sent him to his room.
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  And after, you know, the dust had settled, he went to his room and he said, now you can tell me what
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  you wanted to say. And he said, mom already spanked me. He didn't take the time to hear him,
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  right? And to understand that the punishment had already been delivered. But he was just meant to
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  tell his father what had happened. Number 13, comparing them to others. Number 14, not making time just
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  to talk. Number 15, not praising or encouraging your child. Our children need to know that we delight
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  in them. Not because of anything particular that they have done, but just because they are. Our love
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  for them doesn't need to be conditional, right? We just need to say to them, I love you. I delight in you.
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  You bring me great joy just because you're mine. Father's Day is a great day for that. Dad's just
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  to say happy father. I'm so glad I'm a dad. You made me a dad. I'm so glad to be your dad. We have
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  so much opportunity to build relational equity with our children by constantly telling him that we love
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  them, that we are proud of them, that they make us happy.
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  We ought to always view our own sin that way. Our sin is always the log and the other sin
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  is the speck, right? And we ought to work to remove that. So be willing to be humble and admit that
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  you're wrong and ask your children for forgiveness. Number 10, constantly finding fault. Number 11,
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  parents reversing God-given roles, right? Women in the house having to step up and be the lead
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  disciplinarian. Number 12, not listening to your child's opinion or taking his or her side of the story
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  seriously.