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The Hoover: 5 Survivors Share How They Were Pulled Back In · The Mental Healness Podcast

0:01
Hello, Chris. Guest, what is going on?
0:05
Oh man, I've been using a lot of your material just to get
0:08
through these past year and a half.
0:11
It's been crazy. Unfortunately, I have a an ex
0:16
that's a woman, so it's even harder for people to believe a
0:20
lot of what's going on. So a hoovering example I have is
0:25
she tried to throw our family home into foreclosure.
0:28
Oh Lord. Wasn't successful in court, then
0:33
decided not to show up to the court hearing but then have the
0:38
audacity to ask me to debrief her.
0:42
What on the court hearing? What?
0:46
Set some time aside in my day to debrief her.
0:50
No, ma'am. Tell me about the court hearing
0:53
that I caused. Yes, yes, but true to form, she
0:59
comes from a narcissistic mother.
1:02
This is the same type of woman who said she's gonna check my ex
1:05
partner's cervix when she goes into labor because, you know,
1:10
just because she's a she's a labor and delivery doctor or or
1:14
nurse, shall I say. But the hospital is 10 minutes
1:19
away, so what's the point? Check she gonna check her
1:24
service personally. Yes, personally, this is the the
1:29
mother with a adult daughter, that's what, yes.
1:36
What the what, how, how we get here?
1:39
The same woman who posted a child unclothed getting a diaper
1:45
changed on Facebook. Oh, Lord of Mercy for the
1:48
weirdos. Yep.
1:51
And then decided that her mother didn't need boundaries when it
1:56
came to our child. Yep.
2:00
So. But yeah, that's the type of
2:02
stuff that happens right there, though, because I I literally
2:05
just did a video about Mother Gothel from the movie Tangled.
2:10
How she? That's so funny.
2:12
I called her that. I called her that.
2:14
Because you see how if you go watch Tangled, you see how
2:17
Mother Gothel programmed. Programmed Rapunzel to come into
2:26
her life, to see herself as the victim, like to see me as the
2:30
victim. Like if if I'm mother Gotto, I
2:32
program Rapunzel to see me as the victim and to see me as the
2:35
savior at the same time. So you, it makes you seem like
2:38
you owe me something. So your ex's mom feels like she
2:42
owes her something, like she owes her her life.
2:44
She owes her her existence. So it's very difficult when you
2:47
grow up in it with a narcissistic parent.
2:50
They make you feel like you're that you owe them something.
2:53
So it's very difficult to disconnect from that mindset
2:56
when you get older and whatnot. Yeah, I started to pick up on
3:00
the I didn't know what enmeshment was until I started
3:04
to go to therapy and figure out that a lot of what was done is
3:08
not normal. I was told a story and I
3:12
remember clearly I was told a story that the mother apparently
3:16
had cancer and her lower intestine and she decided to
3:22
call her ex-husband back to their country where they're
3:26
from. And apparently the cancer
3:29
magically disappeared when he came back the and she was trying
3:37
to get back with him during that time.
3:39
And my ex had to stop the mother from getting back with him.
3:44
And I'm like, nothing about this story sounds peculiar to you.
3:49
She was literally walking around her country looking for blood
3:53
that matched her mother's blood type and all of that stuff,
3:56
'cause everything there is a la carte.
3:58
It's not like the US. So.
4:01
You got to go shopping for blood like that.
4:04
Everything. Everything is you pay per.
4:07
Oh dear. Oh, sorry, Bessa.
4:11
I was like, wait, nothing about this story sounds strange to you
4:15
that a tumor just magically disappears when your father
4:19
shows up and she tries to get back with him?
4:22
Anything is is possible with the blood of Jesus in love.
4:25
You know that's that's they'll tell you.
4:28
That's what they'll tell you. Yeah, yeah, it's 100 percent,
4:32
100%. They one of the aunts is
4:35
specifically has religious psychosis, talks about the van
4:39
lifting off the ground and take them to a funeral real fast and
4:44
flowers raining from the sky. You name it, they sit at the
4:47
front of the church, might I add.
4:50
The you gotta say, the closer you sit to the front, the the
4:52
more likely you ought to get hit with that Holy Ghost, the the
4:54
holy wind up there up front. That's wild.
4:57
That is that is, that really is wild.
4:59
Goodness gracious. I literally have the craziest
5:02
stories, Lee. I can send you some of my
5:04
material and you can read it 'cause you the the things that I
5:08
have gone through, you would not imagine how I'm still standing
5:12
today and not in a loony band. Yeah, send it to me.
5:15
It's like, send, send it to me. Can you hear me?
5:17
Hey, hey, hi. How are you?
5:19
How you? Doing.
5:20
I'm good. How are you?
5:21
I'm doing. Pretty good.
5:23
Awesome. Yeah.
5:25
So this is actually a funny question because I was in a
5:28
relationship with a narcissistic person for almost 15 years and
5:32
it was very on and off and I was constantly being hoovered and I
5:37
just didn't realize it obviously until I finally left the
5:40
relationship. But there were so many times,
5:44
like I don't specifically remember a time he hoovered me
5:46
by saying like he called me months after we broke up.
5:49
And so I, I organized my closet, I color coordinate it, right?
5:54
And he calls me months after we break up and he's like, I just
5:58
wanted to, I'm just cleaning my room.
5:59
And I just wanted to know, like, how do you color coordinate your
6:02
closet? How do you organize it?
6:03
And I was like the rainbow. Like, what do you mean?
6:06
Like, it's just the rainbow. And he was like, oh, oh, OK.
6:11
Well, what have you been up to? And Yep.
6:14
And that's how he would get it. Like, he would just call me for
6:17
a, like, out of nowhere, just something so stupid and random.
6:20
And then he would, you know, bring it into like, how are you?
6:23
Oh, what are you doing? And this last time that he had
6:27
hoovered me two years ago, after I left him, he hoovered me back
6:30
a year after. I didn't know he had a
6:33
girlfriend. He already had a girlfriend.
6:35
He moved to my hometown and he came back saying that he changed
6:40
and all this stuff, that he had a whole year to reflect and do
6:43
all these things and yadda yadda yadda and I just felt kind of
6:48
stupid in it. I kind of got wrapped up again
6:50
in it. I knew I was being love bombed
6:52
though and hoovered but still fell for it and it all blew up
6:55
in my face that he had this girlfriend and all this crazy
6:58
stuff. But I had gone through being
7:00
hoovered so many times to the point where I would get back in
7:04
this relationship when I didn't even want to be like I I would
7:08
question myself, like, why? Why am I with him if I don't
7:11
even want to be with him? You know, it was very hard.
7:13
So what would be? I'm just curious, what would the
7:15
answer be to that question right there?
7:17
When you ask yourself that question, what were you were
7:19
saying to yourself in response, if anything?
7:23
I I truly think I was trying to justify it.
7:26
Like I was like I would get back in this relationship and I
7:30
wouldn't, I didn't feel good because he obviously he cheated
7:32
on me several times. He was, you know, addicted to
7:35
corn. Like all the stuff like, and so
7:38
I would question myself and I think I just had to justify it.
7:42
Like I would tell myself all the good things, all the good times
7:45
that we had, like all the good things that he would do for me.
7:49
And often times when he would Hoover me back into the
7:51
relationship and that, you know, beginning again, the love bomb
7:55
phase all over, he would gift me things and he would buy me
7:59
things that were, you know, on my wish list for years or
8:02
something like things I really wanted.
8:05
So I would kind of justify it as like, well, I don't want to be
8:08
with him, but maybe it's, you know, maybe I should because he
8:11
is good to me. He he does take care of me.
8:13
He does provide like he does pay the bills and fill my gas tank.
8:17
Like, so I would justify it like through those through, through
8:20
like the things that he was doing for me to stay there.
8:24
Like, even though I would feel uncomfortable, like, you know
8:28
what I mean? Like, I still, I don't know.
8:32
And now it's like, through working through that, I've had
8:34
to like, really forgive myself for, you know, keeping myself
8:38
there when I knew I shouldn't have stayed.
8:41
Yeah, I was just, I was just curious because when people,
8:43
when I hear people, because everybody has their own internal
8:46
dialogue or monologue that goes on in their head when they say
8:48
stuff like that. I was just curious, what were
8:50
you saying to yourself? Because somebody else in the
8:52
chat might be having that same type of thought process and that
8:55
might help them. It's like, oh, I think the same
8:57
thing that helps me wake up. I'm thinking the same thing,
9:00
girl. Hell yeah.
9:01
Gas money, Right You you see what I'm saying?
9:03
Oh, whatever the case may be. So that right there could be a
9:07
possible thing right there. You see what I'm saying?
9:08
That right there could help other people.
9:10
That's why I just ask because sometimes we don't like this
9:12
part. Part of healing is being able to
9:14
introspect and see how we got here so we don't get there in
9:18
the same place. Like it's just kind of like
9:20
driving down the road. You get lost, you took that left
9:22
turn, you're not going to take the same left turn.
9:24
I, I got lost down there. I ain't going down there again.
9:26
So you're not going to take the same turn, right?
9:30
Yeah, exactly. And I, I do, I I've had friends
9:34
as well that, you know, we're still in toxic relationships and
9:38
they've stayed the same way that I justified saying I see that.
9:42
Like, you know, they'll tell me like, oh, but he, he's a
9:44
provider. Like he takes care of us and he
9:46
does all this stuff and I'm like, but that's not an excuse
9:49
for to treat you like shit as well and do these things, you
9:52
know? And some of my friends don't
9:55
come to it and they stay. But for me, it did take me a
9:58
long time. It takes people a long time,
9:59
I've noticed, to get out of those.
10:01
Cycles, if you think about that, that that provision dynamic
10:05
right there. A lot of times people have been
10:07
conditioned to think that provision means access to do
10:10
anything you want or you should be able to get over something
10:13
like what he pays the bills. So I should forgive him for
10:16
cheating. I should forgive him for doing
10:18
this. You know, he should be able to
10:20
do this type of stuff right here.
10:21
So sometimes it's been kind of like built into you, you know,
10:25
as opposed to just being your own natural thoughts.
10:28
This is something that's kind of been implanted within you and it
10:30
grows, right? So sometimes that happens right
10:33
there. Yep, Yep.
10:35
And that's exactly, you know what kind of happened to me.
10:38
Like I, I just, I stayed longer than I should have and I knew
10:42
that and I knew I kept going back for the wrong, for the
10:45
wrong reasons. But, you know, I mean, often
10:48
times you get trauma bonded and that trauma bond is very
10:51
difficult to break. And that's what I found myself
10:55
trapped in and trying to justify, like staying with a
10:59
cheater and a liar and a manipulator.
11:01
Like it was, it was very, very hard.
11:04
But yeah, he did Hoover me many, many times.
11:07
Well, I'm glad, I'm glad you were able to make it out there
11:09
and navigate and thanks, thanks for having on here and sharing.
11:11
Because like I said, they can help other people, but who might
11:13
be in very similar situations and telling themselves the same
11:16
thing. Right, 'cause like the point is
11:17
to show everybody that you're not, this is not a solo thing
11:21
that you're just going through by yourself.
11:23
There are other people that understand it as well, you know.
11:27
Yes, exactly. And I think for other, for
11:28
anybody that is listening, that is going through this or healing
11:31
or trying to justify like the way I did, I would really just
11:35
say, you know, like just because they're doing something good for
11:38
you, like providing or giving you gas, like you can do that
11:41
for yourself. You can do it yourself.
11:44
You do not that person to provide for you or give you gas
11:47
or take care of you, buy your clothes, whatever, you can do it
11:50
yourself. And you just really have to
11:52
believe in yourself. And it's hard with a toxic
11:54
person because they will, you know, 'cause you so much self
11:57
doubt and break you down. But like you really just should
12:01
believe in yourself and and you be your own provider and take
12:04
care of yourself and just get away from that person.
12:07
Like that's the best bet for sure.
12:11
Love yourself, hey? Thanks for thanks for sharing
12:13
that right there. Thanks for sharing that.
12:15
Yeah. And I think you hear me.
12:19
Yes. Can you hear me?
12:20
Yeah, What's going on? Hi, nice to talk to you.
12:23
I follow you on YouTube and everything.
12:25
I was just watching one of your videos actually.
12:28
So I, I guess I would like to ask about your thoughts as far
12:33
as Co parenting with the narcissist.
12:35
My kids father, we have twins together and recently he's been
12:42
coming around again. But like in the beginning of the
12:44
relationship, well, in the beginning of, you know, after my
12:49
twins were born, he wasn't really like around.
12:51
And it took a little while for me to understand that he didn't
12:55
really, like, to me, it seems like he didn't really care about
12:57
them. So I gave him like a lot of
12:59
opportunities to try to be there and be present for them.
13:02
But I just feel like he was doing like less than the bare
13:05
minimum. And I felt like I had to like,
13:07
protect my kids from that and also myself from like the
13:11
inconsistencies. So I did go no contact for a
13:15
while. We had like off and on, you
13:17
know, throughout the years. And recently, actually, I had a
13:22
letter delivered to me in the mail from court, you know,
13:25
because there was a visitation order put in place.
13:27
And so he basically went to court.
13:30
He recently found my address and then I had to go to court to
13:34
like appear because he was holding me in contempt for not
13:37
following the visitation order. And I just because of like all
13:42
the back and forth with court over the past few years, it felt
13:45
like so overwhelming to me. So I just, I reached out to him
13:48
again and I was like, OK, I guess, you know, we can just
13:53
figure this out between ourselves and like, avoid the
13:56
court stuff. So I, he agreed to do like
13:59
visitations for right now, like while I'm still there.
14:03
So we're meeting up in like a public place.
14:05
And then last Sunday was the second time he saw them.
14:09
It had been almost a year at that point.
14:11
And I mean, I guess everything it has been OK.
14:14
But just knowing his pattern and stuff, I have very low
14:17
expectations and I'm still not really convinced he cares about
14:21
them to be honest. So I, I don't really understand
14:23
what his like end game is here. And like, I'm not, I don't know,
14:27
he's not aware whatsoever. So I know he hasn't been doing
14:30
any of the work. He still is not providing for
14:33
them financially or you know, anything like that.
14:36
So I guess I would just like to know your thoughts on that.
14:39
So he's using the kids to stay in your life.
14:41
Is that what it is? Is that what he's doing?
14:43
Yeah. I mean, I kind of figured it was
14:45
like that for a while, like just to have access to me.
14:48
And because I'm a single mom and I don't have much of A support
14:51
system, he kind of, he like was so certain that I would need
14:54
him. And I've been taking care of
14:56
them essentially on my own this entire time.
14:59
So I do think it's a way for him to gain access.
15:02
But also I feel like the only reason he even tries to reach
15:05
out ever is because his family is pressuring him too.
15:09
But I don't think like, if it was up to him, I don't think he
15:11
would. Yeah, I mean, so typically no
15:13
situation right there like they they are specifically using the
15:17
kids to try to stay in your life.
15:18
They're not you. You're not really Co parenting
15:20
if you have to meet me at the park and see right, that's not
15:23
Co parenting. That's just this supervised
15:29
visitation. That's not that's not Co
15:30
parenting. You don't have to ask about
15:32
school and hey, this kids have homework.
15:34
You're like you're not that's not Co parenting, like you're
15:36
just doing supervised visitation.
15:38
So it seemed like in that's all he, if that's all he's trying to
15:42
do and you have to be around, it just seemed like he's definitely
15:45
just using the kids to just stay, to kind of remain in, to
15:50
remain in your orbit. Because you say his family's
15:52
pressuring him too. But are they?
15:54
Not helping because they are. They not watching the kids for
15:56
you anything on the weekends or they're not doing.
15:58
Anything. No, my twins are two.
16:00
They're going to be 3 in July. But him and his family, he's
16:05
probably taking them on his own maybe three times so far their
16:08
whole life. But because it, it has been
16:10
because of me, because like he would just do a lot of things
16:14
like crossing too many boundaries, like giving other
16:17
women my address, women that he was dealing with, my
16:19
information. There was like some DV involved
16:23
too, like in the beginning of the relationship.
16:25
So it, it was very, very toxic. But I'm somebody that has always
16:28
kind of had strong boundaries. So I would try to reinforce, you
16:32
know, boundaries, but it has been off and on like throughout
16:35
the years. And then this has been like the
16:37
longest stretch that I had gone. No communication.
16:41
I'm even in therapy and everything because like I will
16:44
say, dealing with him really did a number on me for sure,
16:46
especially being a new mom. And just like, you know,
16:49
everything I experienced, it pushed me to the point of having
16:52
to do so much research on narcissism.
16:55
And I think that's actually how I found you.
16:58
So I, I feel like I had to kind of like try to understand him in
17:02
order to know how to deal with it because it's not like a
17:05
typical relationship where you can just walk away because
17:07
there's children involved. So I, I realized early on like
17:11
he was gonna try to use that as a way to stay connected to me.
17:14
But as far as his family, like they would help out, but I don't
17:18
even trust him to take them on his own anymore because there
17:22
have been women messaging me, you know, on Instagram and stuff
17:25
saying that they they did things to my kids at one point when
17:27
they were just a few months old, you know, so that was only one
17:30
of the times he had them. And so every time I let him take
17:34
them on his own, like he would just blatantly, you know, cross
17:37
boundaries or have other women, I don't even know who they are
17:41
around my kid. I like, I don't, you know what I
17:42
mean, to try to get the action out of me.
17:44
I think so that's kind of why I don't even allow him to take
17:49
them anywhere right now. The ones few times I did, I even
17:52
had a air tag in their car seats just because I needed to know
17:55
what was going on, you know? So it's kind of weird because
17:59
like I guess you have to have some type of level of trust when
18:02
it comes to Co parenting, but I don't ever see myself trusting
18:05
him again and I don't know if I should, I mean.
18:07
I, I, I, I wouldn't unless he he proves himself to be trustworthy
18:11
because honestly I wouldn't. It just sounds like he's just
18:14
using the kids to stay because like he's not attempting to take
18:16
you to court. There's no.
18:17
He still doesn't even have a job.
18:20
I mean actually he doesn't have a job it's been like 3 years.
18:24
I mean, he makes money not legally, but like he, he has
18:28
told me himself, him and his family have told me like that I
18:31
just want to live off of his money, even though I never did.
18:34
I never depended on him financially.
18:36
So I think it's just because he knows we're not together
18:39
anymore. He feels like it's not his
18:41
responsibility to take care of them financially, you know, So
18:45
as far as everything else, it doesn't really add up because
18:48
he's not really taking the slept to better himself and actually
18:52
be, you know, a decent parent to them, be a father.
18:55
But then he'll turn around and say I'm just not allowing him to
18:58
be in their life, as if it's just because I'm bitter.
19:01
That's basically the whole narrative.
19:03
So the. Narrative's not going to change,
19:05
though, That's what he's always going to say because that that
19:07
benefits him. It just keeps allows him the
19:09
ability to stay on the outside and not come in right, just like
19:12
allows him to be on the outside looking in.
19:14
Just saying, you know, she she just keep my kids from me and
19:17
and whatever gave me I had the he allows him to put Facebook
19:20
posts up and just like daddy's coming for you, he's he'll be
19:22
there sooner or later, right. But like I say, I don't
19:25
necessarily I don't necessarily think you have to worry about Co
19:27
parenting, right? It just sounds like you guys got
19:29
to protect your babies because like it doesn't sound like he
19:32
putting in time, effort, energy to be a Co parent like you say.
19:35
He's not. He's not.
19:36
Work. So he's not like even trying to
19:38
legally get right to be around the kids, not like it's a
19:40
danger. No, he he's he owes almost
19:43
17,000 in back paying child support right now and he just
19:47
makes random, you know, random payments maybe like, you know,
19:51
once every six months or something like that since
19:53
they've been consistent. So yeah, it it's been a lot, but
19:57
like, I don't really, I just don't understand like his
19:59
reasoning for doing this now it. Really is just to if I can do
20:04
the bare minimum, if I, if I can show up once or twice a month
20:08
for a couple of hours, then technically I'm not a I'm not a
20:11
deadbeat. And so that's right.
20:12
So sometimes it's just to keep that it, it really is just to
20:15
kind of keep the reputation going forward or take a couple
20:17
pictures or whatever the case may be and be able to do that
20:21
type of stuff right there right. So I I.
20:22
Think that's to be? Part of it right there.
20:24
So yeah, unless you guys take you to course, I'm not.
20:27
I wouldn't necessarily worry about copying.
20:28
I would just make sure you just keep doing whatever.
20:30
You need. Yeah, well, that's the issue is
20:32
that he did. And the judge actually found me
20:34
in contempt because there was a visitation order that I wasn't
20:37
following because of everything that had happened.
20:40
Yeah. So that's kind of when I was
20:42
like, all right, I mean, I feel like I don't have a choice now.
20:45
So I guess like, what would be your advice as far as, you know,
20:48
dealing with him? Because we've had two visits so
20:50
far. I do like try to keep the, you
20:53
know, the conversations to a minimum when I'm dealing with
20:55
him just because. Short, sweet, like it's just
20:58
like grey rocking works like you don't have to get into any type
21:00
of deep emotional conversation because it's only before a few
21:02
hours. It's just like being able to
21:04
prep yourself before you go there and then be able to kind
21:07
of separate yourself from the situation when you leave.
21:09
It's kind of like you have to have some decompression stop
21:12
when you leave whatever, like some type of to decontaminate
21:15
yourself and whatnot as well, 'cause I, I.
21:17
Like I said. Just for a couple hours.
21:18
I wouldn't necessarily worry about too much, like just
21:20
preparing yourself mentally for him to try something and try to
21:22
right maybe try some. Based on his patterns already,
21:26
yeah, that makes sense. That's.
21:27
What we'll say right there. All right.
21:29
Thank you. Thanks.
21:30
For hopping on, be safe. Hey, what's?
21:33
Up nothing. I've been watching you probably
21:35
since 2020 or 21 on Facebook. You've actually helped me a lot.
21:43
I've referred you to a lot of people that I know that are
21:47
like, in narcissistic relationships and are trying to
21:49
get out and they're like, I don't know, Stew, I don't know
21:51
how to handle it. I was like, you need to go watch
21:53
Lee Hammock. He'll tell you, you know, he's
21:55
got you. You don't have to go anywhere
21:57
else but there. But yeah, I've been in a lot of
22:03
say. I've been in five relationships
22:05
in 33 and four of the five have probably been like the most
22:09
narcissistic, abusive relationships ever.
22:13
The last one I was just in was a year and a half and like I was
22:17
taking care of dying people's grandparents, mentally
22:22
challenged sisters, helping with food stamps.
22:25
And this dad, well, I knew they had an addiction and it didn't
22:31
bother me. So I was helping out and I, I
22:34
found out like maybe we'll say 6-7 months things started to get
22:38
weird. They started to act weird and do
22:41
different things. And like this was a long
22:43
distance relationship. On top of it.
22:45
I was travelling like I've travelled 33,000 miles back and
22:48
forth to go visit somebody and I found out that they had another
22:54
addiction that I didn't know I was helping them out with
22:56
secretly I guess they were calling girl and getting like
23:01
pictures and videos and stuff with money.
23:03
I was sending to after knowing that I'm a single mom and you
23:08
know, I already don't have anything.
23:10
So I was giving out putting into my budget of a month of like,
23:13
OK, I got like 20 bucks, 30 bucks I can give you a month.
23:17
And when I found everything out like I didn't understand,
23:20
thought he was going to be violent.
23:21
Yeah, he'll like he would get mad because I understood like
23:24
addiction, you know, he's going to be calling me down and saying
23:27
this then whatever when he's upset.
23:29
When you found everything out you you ended things with him
23:31
and he tried he tried to suck you back into the relationship.
23:35
When I found everything out, I was visiting, he attacked me
23:39
physically. I've got his teeth marks on my
23:42
face. He's 40, about 40 years old.
23:48
But I did stay with him for a bit.
23:50
He went and got help with his addiction because not because he
23:55
wanted to, but because of his physical health and diabetes.
23:58
He lost his toe that I was helping him take care of and I
24:04
helped with his diabetes and everything.
24:08
But we don't we don't really talk now.
24:11
It's been like about two months. But he is doing a smear
24:14
campaigns to try to get like, you know, try to get me to say
24:18
something or react and be all crazy and whatnot.
24:20
Because also on top of everything, I'm a streamer.
24:23
I'm on another app and this is where we met.
24:25
So he's over there telling everybody I attacked him and
24:29
then I'm the crazy one and you know, doing the whole this then
24:32
other I'm, I'm ugly. I got nobody da da da da da.
24:37
And the whole time on top of everything, well, everything was
24:41
OK. He didn't tell me he had an
24:45
issue with his stuff not working properly.
24:50
So in in this situation right here, you say he's doing a smear
24:53
campaign, right. Just trying to get you.
24:55
Yeah. So that, that right there,
24:56
there's, I think I might have mentioned this earlier, but the
24:59
smear campaign can be a can be a form of a Hoover, right?
25:02
It's just like when you are, when the smear campaign is going
25:05
on and whatnot, they're talking junk about you.
25:08
Sometimes it really is just to get you to notice and just to
25:12
get you to reach out to them, right?
25:13
Just get some because how do you get them to stop talking?
25:16
You want you reach out to them directly, right?
25:18
They want you to directly reach out to them and that way, OK, I
25:22
just fancy talking to you. Nice hearing from you, you know,
25:25
I mean, hey stranger or something like that, when you
25:27
finally reach out, it would not so that right there, the smear
25:30
campaign can can definitely happen, but I would just say if
25:33
you are streaming and whatnot and he's just talking like
25:35
sometimes, like it's a lot of y'all knows.
25:38
I'm not even if they're saying negativity about you, that just
25:41
becomes a real life filter, right?
25:42
The smear campaign becomes a life filter because if people
25:45
that are supposed to be on your side just randomly believe this
25:49
person is just side with this person based on.
25:52
No evidence, just their. Words.
25:54
It's just like BA, you know, you OK, You going to believe this
25:57
person? Based on what?
25:59
Because they said it. OK, cool.
26:00
You're not going. You're not going to talk about
26:02
All right, bet peace. And the craziest thing about him
26:05
running this smear campaign and everything and being all nasty
26:08
and saying all this stuff, his mentally challenged sister just
26:10
passed away. But I was apparently the first
26:13
person he called when everything happened and like, kept calling
26:17
me. And after the relationship
26:19
managed, yeah, and kept in contact.
26:22
And then now that everything's done and the funeral and
26:25
everything's done with, it's back to F me.
26:29
All this other stuff. Da da, da, da.
26:32
I'm crazy. And I was like.
26:34
Yeah, but so now it's just like if he going to say, if he going
26:37
to say F you, then just got to let you got to let them let that
26:39
ride right there, right? Because people like this in this
26:41
situation, they are just literally trying to attack your
26:43
reputation for whatever reason, right?
26:46
They're just trying to bring you down to their level and to get
26:50
you, for lack of a better word, get you in the mud with them,
26:52
right? Because we're going to argue and
26:53
fuss and fight nobody. Everybody's pointing fingers and
26:57
it just becomes entertainment. It just becomes drama and
27:00
entertainment for everybody to see and point and look and
27:02
whatnot, so. I'm not going to feed.
27:04
I don't feed into it. There's no way.
27:05
And I'm like, I'm, I'm going to because I've been through it too
27:08
many times, especially like, you know, I'm like, I'm like I said,
27:11
I've been with four people out of the five, and they've all
27:14
been like just out of this world.
27:21
Joe Yeah, good, good for good for you.
27:22
Because I say, I mean like, we're getting out of that type
27:24
of stuff, right. There can be a very, very tough
27:27
dynamic. And I say when you in these next
27:29
situations, I'm I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with
27:33
dating an an addict or something like that, but I'm just like,
27:39
you know what I mean? It just.
27:40
It, it's definitely something not for the, for the weary and
27:44
you know, the weak of heart, that's for sure.
27:46
Like, like I understood a lot of things with a lot of stuff.
27:48
I understood it because I've been an addiction and whatnot.
27:51
But there's as a point there's, you can't keep making excuses.
27:54
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Because like sometimes you go
27:56
into a relationship knowing that they have these addictions and
27:59
whatnot, and a person who's not trying to get help, they just
28:02
because they just started to use their addiction as an excuse to
28:04
treat you horribly, right? It's just like, you know, I'm an
28:06
addict, why you say this to me and you become a target for them
28:10
and whatnot. So you've got to be very, you
28:12
know, I'm not. Right in the head with it, yeah.
28:15
Yeah, be very careful when you're dealing with somebody
28:16
like that. They have the type of mentality,
28:18
right, Because like they, they will drag you down into the, for
28:21
lack of a better word, they'll drag you into the mud with them.
28:23
You'll just be well. It really got me.
28:25
Really badly, right? Like I had a lot of mental
28:28
health issues and whatnot. Like I've had to.
28:30
It's been been really crazy. You said you've you've had your
28:35
own mental health issues, you said.
28:37
Yeah, well, because of everything else before that and
28:40
trauma and everything, when I got to this person, I told them
28:42
I didn't want to get into anything because of everything
28:45
I've been through. They promised me this, that and
28:47
the other. Everything was cool for a bit
28:49
and my kids don't like men and my kids were like, they actually
28:54
liked him, gravitate towards him.
28:56
So I thought everything was cool and I could deal with like the
29:00
little calm me down doing this, whatever when he was mad.
29:05
But it really became narcissistic because then once I
29:08
would tell him how I felt and what he was doing would bother
29:11
me and I was in the wrong. I'm doing too much.
29:19
Yeah, it was. Then it was just like, OK, I see
29:22
what you're doing now. Yeah, somebody would come and
29:25
say each attempt at sobriety as they get out of Jeffrey Guard.
29:27
Yeah, they could absolutely is I'm trying again.
29:30
And it would just come with a pattern of trying and failing,
29:33
trying and failing and trying and failing to the, to you know,
29:36
the, the, the chances run out, right?
29:39
Sometimes the, the, the clock runs out on them trying and
29:42
failing and trying and failing and all this other stuff right
29:44
here, right. So it's just like, as you're
29:46
healing, if you are still streaming and whatnot, I would
29:49
just like, no, I would just block them and ignore them.
29:50
If they just talk, if people just continue to talk about
29:52
them, I would just like, I mean, they're saying you got to block
29:55
everybody to talk about them, but sometimes you got to just
29:57
drown out the noise because that's sometimes that's what
29:59
ends up happening. Like they're just trying to make
30:00
noise to annoy you and stuff like that.
30:05
Yeah, there's always somebody coming back and telling me, oh,
30:07
he was saying this and he was saying that and sending me
30:09
videos and went on and I said that's cool, that's fine.
30:13
I'm not going to talk about him. I just wish him well, hope he
30:16
stays clean. Because once he's got clean, he
30:19
was high and mighty, holy and whatnot and didn't need me
30:22
anymore because he has no use for me.
30:25
Yeah, you see what I'm saying? When they when they, they
30:28
sometimes when they Hoover and they smear campaign and yield or
30:30
whatever, they are in need of something from you.
30:33
Just like him reaching out when his sister passed away, He tries
30:35
to use you as an emotional backdrop.
30:37
And then once he once his his grief period is over, that's
30:41
when he dips out. You know, so it's important to
30:43
protect yourself right there in that situation.
30:45
Do. OK.
30:46
Oh yes, for sure all. Right.
30:48
So thank, thank you for hopping on and sharing and whatnot.
30:50
Just be safe, take care of yourself and like I say if you
30:53
have any anything else you y'all can shoot me a mess on here too
30:55
OK? For sure.
30:57
Thank you Take. Care of yourself.
31:01
Can you hear me now? Yeah, I can.
31:01
Hear you. Hey, how you doing?
31:03
Oh, I'm doing good. I'm so grateful that you took
31:06
me. This is a great surprise.
31:08
Oh, what's up? I watch you.
31:09
I watch you on YouTube all the time.
31:11
Hey, you know, well, I I have a narcissist for 30 years.
31:19
I left him six years ago, filed for divorce.
31:22
It was the worst divorce ever. Cost me $100,000.
31:26
He lied, he cheated and my dog died last year and now all of a
31:31
sudden he bought me a $3000 dog. He offered to come and and just
31:38
all this crazy stuff trying to come back. $3000 dog.
31:44
Yeah, it's a Manchester. It's just like the one in the
31:47
picture. Oh, OK, when you're holding.
31:49
OK, OK. Wow, that's a that's a Hoover if
31:52
I've ever hear heard one before, Right?
31:55
Oh, no, because before I filed for divorce, he bought me
31:58
$100,000 Jaguar. He it, it's been, this has been,
32:03
I'm going to save you. I'm going to do whatever you
32:05
want until I bite. And then, oh, wow, John, I
32:08
really love you too. And then it's wow, you're, you
32:11
know, you something wrong with you, You know, you're not that
32:13
pretty. Gosh, you know, I should have
32:16
listened to what everybody else said.
32:17
He's called the police on me for and, and you don't know me.
32:21
I'm like never had a speeding ticket.
32:23
He has, I mean, left me at places.
32:26
He has done some horrible, horrible things.
32:30
I'm more concerned with my problem.
32:32
Why do I keep? It's like me and my kids, we can
32:36
set and be talking about all the cruel, cruel things he did and
32:40
then he'll call and we're all like, oh, it's dad.
32:42
Hi. It's crazy.
32:47
So what's the contact like right now?
32:50
He calls me, he's, he wants to constantly take all my
32:55
attention, be on the phone asking me questions.
32:58
How are you doing? I'm so concerned about you, the
33:00
kids. And you know, he's like, he
33:04
makes a lot of money, more money than me.
33:06
If my kids want a new TV, they're going to get it.
33:09
But when he goes silent on me, he goes silent on the kids.
33:13
Oh hell no. How do your kids, the kids
33:15
grown? I we adopted 3 special need
33:19
kids. So they're adults, but they're
33:22
disabled, OK. So, so he's, he's holding him
33:27
financially hostage if you don't talk to him.
33:30
He yeah, he and they get, oh, it's awful.
33:34
It's a nightmare. That's so rough right there that
33:37
that that is a different level of roughness and like of of
33:39
darkness right there, right. But you see how he uses money
33:43
and things like that to try to control like, I think, and this
33:46
is going to sound crazy, when you have a narcissistic person,
33:49
they look at financial gifts and gift and giving as a form of
33:54
love because the emotional connection tends to fade very it
33:57
fades them near a way, right? So they think, if I buy you
34:01
something that should prove to you that I love you, right?
34:04
I gave you, I gave you that dog, right?
34:06
You know, ain't no cheap dog you you get you put the dog in a
34:09
Jaguar, right, So they just like the dog can drive the Jack.
34:13
I got to I look, I trained the dog to drive the Jaguar.
34:17
That should show you that I love you.
34:19
You know, you should be grateful for that right there, right.
34:21
So that's how they get you because it's like you don't
34:23
think I love you. I wouldn't have gave you this
34:25
money, but their behaviors and stuff are different because like
34:27
when you stop giving them what they want, you see exactly what
34:31
comes after that. And I, you just asked like why
34:33
you still do something like this?
34:34
Because you feel like it sounds like you've been, you feel like
34:36
you've been held hostage. And because you have empathy for
34:38
your children, you feel required to talk to them and discuss
34:41
things with them. Of course, like, I don't think
34:43
that makes you a bad person or dumb or anything like that.
34:45
Just that seems like the situation has what it has
34:48
manifested itself into and the fact that he's calling all the
34:51
time, he's worried about you moving on.
34:53
You see, that's the in that mind.
34:55
If I were him, I if I put myself in his 100,000 dollar $3000
34:59
Jaguar shoes, right? And think about you right now in
35:03
the situation, I'm worried about you moving on.
35:06
So I'm trying to control all your time.
35:07
That's why I'm calling you every single day.
35:09
I want you to I always want to be on the in the forefront of
35:12
your mind. So you feel bad if you move on,
35:15
like, oh, I move on. Tom's going to call me you
35:18
something TomTom. I'm cheating on Tom, right?
35:20
I'm cheating on him. He's going to think I'm cheating
35:22
on him or something like that. So that's the mentality they
35:24
want you to have. They try to plant these seeds in
35:26
your head in order to do things like this so you don't move on.
35:30
So you feel stuck with them, so you feel like you can't do
35:32
anything else. So he's trying to take up your
35:34
time. That's why he's calling all the
35:35
time. Yeah, every day is Groundhog
35:37
Day. I have got.
35:39
I think I have gotten a lot better.
35:40
I mean, when I first left, it was ruminating all day long
35:44
watching narcissistic videos. You and Sam Bachman and I've
35:49
paid to see therapy when I'm, when I'm in therapy.
35:53
Boy, that sure screwed up my life.
35:55
And 30 years is a long time to give to somebody you know.
35:59
Oh, no, absolutely. That isn't I'm 40.
36:01
So yeah, that's, that's a that's a, that's a good, good chunk of
36:04
life right there, right. That's like 3 decades.
36:07
Y'all have lived through the, the with the night that the
36:09
90's, the 2002. It's been a minute, right.
36:13
So that's understandable. And it's like it's very
36:15
difficult you to turn something off after just because you're
36:19
sad after 30 years, right? It just that the feeling don't
36:22
just disappear that there's things change up and what not,
36:25
right? So it takes a while to get past
36:27
that. And of course, the longer
36:29
typically the how it goes, the longer you're away, the longer
36:32
you're out of it, the better you feel.
36:33
But it's not an instantaneous you feel better as soon as you
36:36
leave, like, Oh, I feel amazing. There's, there's going to be
36:39
good days, bad days, ups and downs, slips and falls, all that
36:43
type of stuff right there, you know, So it's going to take a
36:45
long, it's going to take a while, but it's like the 30
36:47
years, right? Some people, some people would
36:49
be in a insane asylum bouncing off the wall after 30 days,
36:53
right? So it's just like 30 years.
36:55
It's going to take, it's going to take a little bit, you know,
36:57
So just like give yourself time. I went back and forth, back and
37:00
forth and I I've heard that the reason it takes six or seven
37:03
times is by the 6th time the woman either commits suicide or
37:07
the guy kills her because they just, they go back and forth
37:10
back and forth so much. And I think we did it like 5
37:12
times before I got the divorce and and got finished.
37:16
So for him to be doing this now is just pretty crazy.
37:20
Yeah, but that's why he doesn't want you to go into.
37:22
That's why he's just like, even after the relationship is over,
37:26
you're divorced, he's still like, well, just because you
37:29
divorced me doesn't mean I don't, I, I don't have ownership
37:32
over you. So that a lot of times that's
37:34
the way it goes right there, right?
37:35
That's that mentality that they go into the process with that I
37:38
don't, I have ownership over you in some way, shape or form
37:40
because of this scenario, because of this situation and
37:43
whatnot. So just because I release you
37:45
doesn't mean, you know, you're not mine.
37:47
Even if I, it's kind of like a, a helium balloon on the string,
37:50
just because I lose, lose my grip on a helium balloon doesn't
37:53
mean like that's mine right there, right.
37:55
So he's still claiming ownership over.
37:58
You like how much is your therapy if you don't mind me
38:02
asking? Oh, I have.
38:03
Different, it just kind of depends on what you're looking
38:05
for. Like I do, I do zoom calls,
38:07
phone calls. I do like I said, I just started
38:09
doing text message stuff like that over the the Telegram app
38:13
and whatnot as well. You can find a link in my bio
38:15
for everything you know. OK, I will.
38:18
Thank you again. Yeah, I you're doing a good,
38:20
good work. No.
38:21
Problem thank you for hopping on here.
38:23
I appreciate you sharing and whatnot.
38:24
Like I said, thanks for thank you for surviving 30 years.
38:27
That's that's amazing. I'm telling you this, this is,
38:28
this is, it's a hump. So just give yourself time, you
38:32
know, be is it love, love on yourself.
38:33
Be compassionate to yourself as well, right 'cause that self
38:35
love and self compassion is so extremely important as you keep
38:38
to continue to move forward, OK? I'm going to go on a big old
38:41
date tomorrow night, Woo. Woo, don't don't tell him.
38:46
Don't. If he if he call you doing that
38:49
date, do not do not answer that phone.
38:53
Do not. OK, Be safe.
38:56
Thank you. Bye bye.
38:57
Bye. Bye.
38:57
Bye. Bye bye.