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You ask, I answer...Questions about Mother-in-laws · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey Doc David here.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Today I'm going to answer some listener questions.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Head Trink Inc.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your answers to life, relationships, and daily live.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hey all.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Show.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: This is your host, Doc David.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I have not posted for a while because I have been on vacation and it was a lovely vacation.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Let's see, what did I do?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I went to Bend, Lake Tahoe, Death Valley, Disneyland, the Redwoods.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: So think of it as a big loop of California, except they didn't go through the middle of California, which is kind of miserable.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, I went on the way back, I went through the middle a little bit, but then bypass over San Francisco and went to the Redwoods.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I missed Galaxy's Edge by one day, but I couldn't have gotten in anyways because you needed reservations long ago.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: And for those of you wondering, what's Galaxy's Edge?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and other it's also known as Star Wars Land, but the official name is Galaxy's Edge for all of you Star Wars aficionados.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, it was a great, it was a great trip.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: It was a great time.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: We have a motorhome, so we just uh hung out and drove in the motorhome all the all that way.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I I've been telling people I got into a big argument uh with my wife one of the days, and um I was the one at fault.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I can freely admit that.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to admit it at the time, but um in retrospect, I was um the one at fault.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I am not perfect for those of you that think I am.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully, no one thinks I am, because I'm definitely not perfect.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so occasionally I get emails from people, and I store up the emails so then I can actually have one episode where I answer a couple of the emails.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: And uh the theme of the the emails that I'm gonna be talking about today have to do with mother-in-laws.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um it is so the the relationship between uh daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws is so interesting.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I I know some relationships that are great and others that are strained, and they and it seems like what happens before the marriage, um, like bad interactions potentially color the rest of the relationship after the marriage.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm gonna answer, I'm gonna go through the question uh and then I'll give my answer.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you don't agree with my answer, that's completely fine.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um what I would say is email me your um other suggestion that you may have to my answer, um, and I may post it if I like it.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: If I don't like it, then I won't post it, and I won't tell you.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um so here goes the first first question.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, my mother-in-law interferes with our relationship.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's my husband mom, but she has tried to do terrible things to me.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: I do not expect my husband to completely stop communicating with her, but I do expect him to keep her away from me and our kids.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: I fear what she will do next in order to destroy our relationship.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: We have also been to counseling over this, and I'm thinking about a divorce to get her out of my life.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Am I just overreacting?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: I just do not know what to do.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I would say yes, you probably are overreacting, but I'll I'll expound.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um so first off, I don't think you should divorce to get rid of your mother-in-law.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: I think the uh ramifications of a divorce just to get rid of a mother-in-law are uh it's fairly extreme.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it and if your relationship with your spouse is otherwise good, I I would not suggest you get a divorce.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's not fair to your kids, it's not fair to your marriage, it's not fair to yourself to divorce, and I get that it's not fair also to have to be deal with your mother-in-law, um, but I think there's different ways to deal with a mother-in-law.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: So you should be very clear, I think, with your husband, um, about what your expectations are in regards to your mother-in-law and get some type of agreement on this with him.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so if that means you will you and the kids will not be going to family functions, you and the kids will not be going to um on family vacations or family events or holidays or things like that.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Your husband, it's important for your husband to know that.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I definitely agree that you need to protect your kids, but if your husband's being reasonable about things um in regards to mother-in-law, so basically saying, yeah, okay, we don't you don't have to show up for things.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um I definitely think it's unreasonable to divorce because, again, of your mother-in-law, it seems like there's many other things you can do, and and I know the the listener had said they went to counseling.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's a great option because having a third party to talk about some of the things that are going on, again, I think like the often the way that I've get described, like mother-in-laws get described to me is that they're sociopathic.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: They they have no um feelings and they're just out to ruin the daughter-in-law's life.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think that's more rare than um most people would think.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Generally, I don't think mother-in-laws are out to ruin people's lives.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: I think what often happens is they've raised the son and there's some grief over the disconnect that happens, andor the son is dumb and he complains to his mom about his wife, which guys don't ever do that.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: That is really stupid if you do that.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because who's your mom gonna side with?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Your mom probably is gonna side with you over your wife, and then your wife looks to be like the bad guy.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: So, guys, don't do that.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, not a good idea.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about uh let's go to the next question.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um that's kind of a long question.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to find a shorter question.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Here we go.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna this is a longer, it's like three paragraphs, so I'm gonna try to shorten it.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: So hi there.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'll start by saying I admit my mother-in-law and I are two totally different people, and I tend to fake who I am around her for fear.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh if I'm if I'm myself, she'll realize just how 100% her and I are opposite.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a problem.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: You should be as authentic as you can appropriately appropriately be.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um I admit also my opinion of her is biased because I am aggravated easily by the way she acts and treats us.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know how much of this question is me overreacting and how much is legitimate.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: My mother, my husband's mother insists on bringing over her own snacks and food every single time she comes to visit, about once a month.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Inevitably, she brings fruit, all seasonal, that she likes to buy at roadside stands or farmers market.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is that every single time she plops the fruit down onto my kitchen table and like clockwork, little flies come out of it and disperse themselves around my house.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: After she leaves, I start trying to round them up, but we've gotten a chronic fly problem.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: I have had fruit flies, and oh my goodness, even after you get rid of fruit, they they still are able to populate somehow.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I can identify with this with this fruit fly problem.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: If you've ever had fruit flies, you know the horrific nature of them.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, they don't do anything to you, they're just so annoying, they're everywhere.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so her every time I finally get on top of them, she shows up again with more fruit and more flies.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Her house is gross with them, and she apparently doesn't notice them.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: I respect that she wants her own food.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Why I don't understand, but hey, to each his own.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: But we just moved into a new house and she showed up to help us paint.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: And again, my nice new home that was 100% 100% fly-free before she got there is now buzzing with the tiny pests since she left.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now, to be fair, they don't buzz, you can't hear them fly, but they are pests, pestilence.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: They are a pestilence, they are annoying.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm sick of it and want to know if it's okay to simply tell her I'd appreciate no more fruit and fruit coming in because it gives us flies.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: I have no idea how to put it, so it doesn't sound well like it sounds.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: So to imply someone is giving you flies is quite harsh, but true nonetheless, and I want it to stop.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: She may be used to that sort of lifestyle, but I am not and do not wish to deal with flies the rest of my life.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: So extreme.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Do I have a right to mention it at all?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And if so, how on earth can I put it politely?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Uh signed fruit fly lady.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't sign that, I just added that.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so if you think about it, she actually isn't the one giving you the flies, it is the fruit.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now you can say whatever you want to people, right?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: We have freedom of speech in this country, and so you can say whatever you want, you can say it how tactfully you want or untactfully you want.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um there's I think what's important here is that your mother-in-law, um, there's no malice or bad intent, um, I'm assuming.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really important because a lot of times, if you if there's like legitimate hostility and bad intent, I think what how you approach it is much different.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I I think you do a few things.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: You Google remedies for fruit flies, right?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like uh in my case, I would get um fly strips and just tolerate it it's it's once a month it's once a month.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to imagine that it's every time.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like I tell my clients consistently that we shouldn't use absolutes in relationships because not everything is always.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because every wait, everything is not always.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's an absolute, right?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I think absolutes in general are not good ideas.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I I think in this respect it'd be good, I good to try a sandwich approach.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: And the sandwich approach is one where you say something nice, you talk about the issue at hand, and then you say something nice again.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I think that's a great tactful way to talk about things.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not saying that the nice things you say aren't lies, they're actual things like, hey, I appreciate how you are a grandmother to my children, I appreciate how you are so giving of your time.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, something something like that.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: That there's definitely got to be a positive.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: If you if she's willing to come over once a month, that means there must be some kind of good in the relationship that's happening.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um you could bring up, so then you do use Sandridge approach.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I appreciate how you're doing this thing in our lives, you're uh coming over watching the kids doing whatever.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: But but would you be willing, and this is this is important to not make a demand, but ask if she'd be willing to do something.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: When you make demands of people, um internally, I think that that person puts their fists up because they don't want to be told what to do.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I think if you can be respectful and say, would you be willing to and then you know keep the food outside, keep it in a sealed bowl, um, and and then tell why?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because in our house there's these fruit flies and they get really hard to get rid of and they get all over things.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I totally know it's not your intent to do this, so would you be willing to do this thing?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And then you end with another compliment.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the key, I think, here would be to provide reasonable solutions.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so if she's not willing to be reasonable about this, then flies are the least of your concerns, I think.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um you can also have your husband do the conversation, but ideally you would be the one to want to want to do the conversation.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um and when I say flies are the least of your concerns, most people, when they care, when they like each other, or when they have care for one another, they're willing to do things to make life easier for the other person.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so if you ask in a respectful manner and if you give a reasonable explanation, I think it's perfectly reasonable to think that she will, you know, bring fruit over and put it into a bowl, or bring fruit over and keep it outside.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Again, it's hard to imagine that a fruit stand is selling fruit that's had that has fruit flies, because fresh fruit doesn't have fruit flies in it.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's fruit that's been sitting out and is very almost over-ripe.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's the type of fruit that's generally gonna have the fruit flies actively coming out of it.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so, I mean, perhaps it's gonna be you could again, this is all about solutions, right?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe a different fruit stand would be in order.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe when the fruit shows up, everyone just eats it really quickly before all the fruit fry fruit flies spread.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: You should say that five times fast.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Fruit flies, fruit flies, fruit flies, fruit flies, fruit flies.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I did it.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: You should try it now.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: See if you can get through it.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's a hard word to say five times fast.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so again, I hopefully your mother-in-law is reasonable and is willing to have a conversation with you about this because I mean it's something important, and I think it potentially can enhance your relationship.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, going towards things, going towards uncomfortable relationships and doing it well and doing it tactfully can create a lot of growth in your relationship with your mother-in-law.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I would encourage you to have a good specific conversation with your mother-in-law and be non-hostile to her and be reasonable and be appropriate.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, everything in this email you sent me seems to indicate that you are willing to be tolerant of her, even though you guys are opposed to a lot of things.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that's a great strength that you have.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, hey, thanks for the emails.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I would love to see more of your emails and answer more of your questions.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: My email address is headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's headshrinkinc at gmail.com, or you can find me on Facebook at DocDavid, and I you can message me and I can answer questions there as well.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Hope you're doing well, listeners, fellow head shrinkers, and we will come back to you in another week.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: Take care of the