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Music, Dance & Mental Health: The Amsterdam Events Where Parents and Kids Can Let Go · Dam Parenting

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Welcome back to Down Parenting, and this is day seven of our 12
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Days of Christmas. If today is quieter, or if you
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finally found a moment to breathe, this episode meets you
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there. Parenting across languages and
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cultures can carry a lot of invisible pressure, especially
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during moments when family identity and expectations
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collide. Day 7 is about easing that
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pressure. Many multilingual families carry
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quiet pressure to do. It right to.
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Do it enough to not mess it up. In this episode, Mimi from
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Growing Up Multilingual helps parents slow down, reconnect
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with their why? And release the guilt.
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That often surrounds language decisions.
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Welcome back to Dan Parenting. I'm Eva, and I'm so glad you
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joined us again today. We're continuing our monthly
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multilingual parenting series with Mimi from Growing Up
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Multilingual, and we're so lucky to have her here with us each
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month. In this episode, we're digging
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into something that isn't really talked about enough.
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The stress behind raising multilingual children, the
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pressure to get it right and the guilt of not doing enough or the
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fear of messing it up. It's all really heavy and it's
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all very real. This isn't about adding more to
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your To Do List. It's actually about tuning in,
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getting clear, and finding your peace in your journey.
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We're here to help you release that pressure, reframe your
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thinking, and make multilingual parenting feel more connected
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and more sustainable, not just for your child, but for you too.
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So whether you're walking faulty laundry or just taking 5 minutes
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for yourself, stick around. You're doing more than you
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think, and today's conversation might just help you see that.
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Hi, Mimi. Hi, thank.
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You for having me again? Well, great to have you back for
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the second episode. So today we're going to tackle
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something many parents feel but often don't talk about, which is
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the stress and the pressure that comes with raising multilingual
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children. So why do you think that this
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gets overlooked so often? I think it gets overlooked
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because multilingual parenting is often framed as either a huge
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gift or perhaps a huge challenge, but rarely people
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look at it from the perspective of a very emotional journey and
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there is always this quiet pressure to get it right.
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And not very many people talk about it in my experience.
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Like what if we mess up? Maybe we will completely ruin
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our child's future connection to culture, identity will ruin
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their future opportunities. Some parents really feel like
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they're on some step of this journey and maybe they'll learn
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some new facts about some new research.
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And then they think, Oh my goodness, I completely messed it
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up so far and I've wasted so much time.
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And in that stress, we rarely talk about how heavy it can feel
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in the day-to-day. We kind of talk about all this
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is what we're going to do, this is how we're going to approach
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it. Which strategy am I using?
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Is it one parent, one language most of the time?
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Is it minority language at home? But nobody talks about the
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actual pressure and stress that people feel on a day-to-day
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basis. I know all about it, you know
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all about it. We've talked about this a lot
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and it's often very much hidden on the routines, strategies and
3:11
best intentions because again, we all do it because we want the
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best for our children. That's for sure.
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Let's start with the emotional side.
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What are the more common stresses you see with
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multilingual parents who they might not realize that it's
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actually weighing them down? You know, they're so many
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stresses. So many.
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The biggest one, feeling like you're never doing enough.
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Maybe you feel like you're doing too much.
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There is a huge amount of guilt behind this.
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Am I pushing my child too much? Am I not pushing them enough?
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Then again, comparing your child's progress to other kids,
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how come we have the same constellation?
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How come my friend's son or daughter are much farther ahead?
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How come my child is not there? How about maybe I missed the
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window already? Maybe I completely messed up
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something. I just recently talked to
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somebody and it was a very, very emotional discussion because
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they felt that they missed the window.
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And it's never too late. Of course, if you have the
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opportunity to provide exposure, always do it.
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But you can never miss a window. You just have to reframe how you
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approach it. Or if you are passing on a
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language that is not your native language, if you've decided for
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this path, maybe you worry that you're not fluent enough, that
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you don't sound native enough and native is in quotation marks
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because this is a whole different topic that I'm not
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going to get into right now. But and a huge fear that perhaps
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your child won't be accepted because they want sound like
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their peers when you go to when you go visit your home country
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and they don't quiet. Perhaps they want sound quiet as
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their peers where you live and in the language that they're
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being schooled in. And these are, these are all
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real stressors that often sit very quietly under everything we
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do and very often guide us in a certain way, sometimes in the
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wrong way, because then often we tend to push too much.
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And all these stressors feel really personal because we feel
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like we're failing, we're failing, but we're also failing
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our children. And this is, this is all very,
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very personal. And language is very personal,
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especially the home language that we're passing on or we are
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really wanting to pass on and trying because again, it's
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identity, it's culture, it's belonging.
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And it's, it's the fear that our child will not belong.
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So when we feel like we're not doing enough, it's very easy to
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slip down the road where we feel like we are, not like we're
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failing. It's something that is really
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fundamental. And then we tend to zoom in too
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far on details. So we somehow we sometimes
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forget about the big picture. We sometimes forget about what's
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really going on, the fact that we're not failing, but we're
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just caring a lot and we're trying to achieve a lot.
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If you have a family that might come to you and feel like they
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don't, they're not doing enough or they're not, they haven't
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done it right, what do you say to someone who comes to you with
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that kind of. A fear.
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I think the first thing I would say to them is that they're not
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alone, that they don't have to do it alone.
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And this is one of the fundamental fears that majority
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of parents raising a child with multiple languages face.
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Because when it's a shared fear, then it's a smaller fear.
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And I would want them to know it's that it's not.
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It's not about adding more to your To Do List.
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It's about tuning in and getting clear about what you're aiming
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for and what you need to do to get there rather than trying to
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cover everything possible and check mark everything that you
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feel like you need to accomplish.
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Because feeling like I need to accomplish certain things and
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actually the things that I need to accomplish very often are two
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completely different things. So what feels like not enough is
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often a signal that you need to let go, take a step back, and
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try to reconnect what matters to you, what your goals are, what
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matters to your child, what matters to you as a family.
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Because it's not about doing more, it's about doing more
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meaningful things, things that are more meaningful.
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I need to rephrase this. Speaking about meaningful and
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the intentionality in learning and in the language of parenting
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as well, can you explain to the listeners and also myself why
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does both matter? There is the concept of
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mindfulness and intentionality, and mindfulness sounds probably
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very like a pop term. And it's not maybe less than
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something you can hold on to and do something with.
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But in the context of raising a child with multiple languages,
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it can be super, super useful. Because what mindfulness is in
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its core is being in the moment. It's noticing what your child
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responds to, what makes them light up, and really doing it
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with curiosity and not with judgment.
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Really noticing what is working, what your child likes and enjoys
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choice. Then intentionality comes into
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play because then it's what you actually do with all those
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observations that you've made. And intentionality is the
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deliberate action that you take the action on purpose based on
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what you've observed. So together they give you
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clarity. And clarity is very, very
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powerful when you focus on your language, goals and when you
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plan your different activities. So for example, I often talk
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about, and I mentioned the meaningful bit before, it's very
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important when you do certain things, when you read books or
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play different games with your children to focus on what's
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meaningful for them and not what you think it's meaningful.
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And I'm absolutely guilty of this when it comes to books
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because I often have ideas of what would be good, what is a
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cool book, and my children don't always think the same way.
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So I've been really trying to pause and observe and it's
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really, really difficult because you know, life is hectic and
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when you need to pause and take a break and be more observant,
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it can be very difficult. So it's it's always a work in
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progress, but you need to pause and see where they where there
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is resistance, where they, for example, in my case, if you're
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offering a book and they're not interested in it and just pause
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and see what is going wrong, why they're not interested.
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Ask them if you can have a conversation.
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Just see what they like and then plan the intentionality bit.
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Plan on what you can do next based on what you've observed.
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So you. Spoke there about work in
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progress are some of the expectations or shoulds that
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parents can let go of right now, and ones that just cause more
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stress than support. One of the biggest things that I
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come across is this fantasy of a balanced, multilingual child.
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The fantasy that and I say fantasy and not even a myth
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because it's my multilingual child is not a multiple
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monolingual children in one and you cannot base your
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expectations for their language development based on monolingual
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children. So if my one of my home
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languages is Bulgarian, I cannot expect my children to speak and
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express themselves in the same way as children their age in
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Bulgaria. This is not how multilingualism
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works. Even as adults, we don't use all
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all our languages equally. That's why I digress a little
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bit. But This is why it's really
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difficult when we ask children to translate and say, oh,
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translate this, translate this and they don't know the words
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sometimes because a multilingual child is not multiple
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monolinguals in one another. One is the the myth of
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perfection. This is just so out there, I
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would say because there is no first of all there, there's no
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perfect way to raise a multilingual child because
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everybody does it in their own unique way based on their unique
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needs and wants, their unique family constellation, even if it
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looks the same on paper. And don't expect any perfect
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levels of language because I hear very often parents saying
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Oh my child speaks 3 languages and they're all perfect in all
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three languages. And there is no such thing as
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perfect. We all learn language according
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to context, in different context and for different purposes.
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And this is how our language develops depending on how we
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need it, what we need them for and where we use them.
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Another thing, I would like them to let go of our rigid routines
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that don't fit their real life. As we've said in the previous
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episode, everything needs to flow seamlessly.
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Everything needs to be meaningful and it needs to be a
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part of your child's life. It doesn't.
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It shouldn't feel like it's an add on because otherwise it
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feels like a chore and you don't want to get into this area of it
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feeling like a chore. Speaking of which, for the
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parents who are actually feeling that way, so you know, they
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could be burnt dead or unsure or even just overwhelmed like many
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of us are, what are a few small things that we can do this week
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to ease the load and reconnect with our why we're going down
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this path? I'm going to offer some very,
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very simple things, and don't distant before you try them out.
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Build one small ritual, you can call it whatever you want.
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Just one small thing that you do together with your child.
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Could it be coloring? Could it be talking during
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meals? Could have been a game of sorry.
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Whatever feels natural to you, whatever comes natural for your
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relationship with your child. Just try 1 little thing and
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build it consistently. When you start feeling that
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there is stress building, notice it, but don't judge.
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Don't judge yourself. Don't judge your child because
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they're not doing it fast enough because they forgot a bunch of
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words that they knew last week or they don't say things that in
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your mind they're supposed to be saying.
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Just take it as it comes and notice what is happening.
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When you feel like you're not doing enough, try to tell
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yourself, I don't feel quite sure today, I'm too tired.
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There's so much going on and give yourself some grace because
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language development has ebbs and flows and you cannot expect
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for your child to perform the same way all the time.
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But you cannot expect for yourself to perform the same way
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and be able to provide the same amount of input and exposure all
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the time. Some days, providing very high
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quality exposure and engaging is going to be very easy.
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Other days, not so much. Give yourself some grace and
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when you're unsure, when you're stressed, reconnect with your
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why. Remind yourself what matters.
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Your child matters. Your connection with your child
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matters. The purpose why I want to pass
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this language. What does this language mean to
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me? Why am I doing this?
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For the wow factor or to actually for my child to be able
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to talk to grandparents or to be able to one day potentially go
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to university in this language. Whatever your why is there are
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many different why's and one why is not better than the other.
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As long as it's it's your purpose, it's good enough for
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your circumstance and talking about practical strategies or I
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talked about my newfound hobby of coloring or newly discovered
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again and it's been really interesting.
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I noticed that when my children are engaging with an activity
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that is really, really interesting to them, they talk
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more. So whatever it is, whatever
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works for your child, if it's building or drawing or playing
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with something, because a child's brain relaxes into the
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task that they're really enjoying and they become more
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focused on doing. They don't focus on saying the
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right word, finding the exact right way to express themselves,
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trying to think about who am I going to make a mistake now or
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not feeling self-conscious. They don't think about any of
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this and just language flows more freely, more naturally and
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they feel more confident because they don't think about the
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quality of the language they produce.
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And this is exactly what you want.
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You want them to keep talking. You want them to continue
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producing. And during such activities,
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there's so much less pressure and they don't monitor
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themselves, right? They're just focused on
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expressing. So find, I'm going back to the
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one small ritual. Find one of those small things
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that work for you and for your family and do it because this is
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gold. Because this is 1 fantastic way
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for them to build fluency and to build confidence in producing
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the language in talking. You mentioned there about ebbs
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and flows. I know you've said that language
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plants are living documents. Can you explain what you mean by
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that and how being honest about your capacity, you know, as
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parents, being overburdened or stressed is actually a strength
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in this journey? Yes.
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A lot of people assume that a language plan is set in stone
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and once you kind of set whatever you want to achieve and
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then that's it. But this is actually not true.
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A language plan is really a living Organism, if I can say
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this, and they should be, because they evolve with your
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life. And it's a very paradoxical
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thing that I always say to parents.
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But they need to be consistent while being flexible.
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Because what worked six months ago might not work anymore.
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Your child might have discovered a completely new set of
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interests, and the old interests are not valid anymore.
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Maybe you're moving to a different country, maybe you're
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moving to a different school. That's not fairly.
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This is actually growth because change, which is the only thing
17:16
that is sure nothing is going to stay the way it is.
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So by being able to adapt to the changing circumstances, you're
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actually taking stress off your shoulders by being open and
17:27
flexible. And this is this is growth.
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Growth is not sticking to your whatever ideas and paths to
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achieving those ideas three years ago.
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Growth is being able to adapt. And this is what I mentioned in
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the previous episode about meeting as a family once or
17:43
twice a year because this it's really helpful for the growth
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aspect, for the flexibility aspect.
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This really helps with adapting the plan to the ever changing
17:53
needs of the family. And when you say, you know, like
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when you have a really tough month, when there is lots of
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going on, let's say a lot of business trips or a lot of sick
18:02
days, just say this month we're dialing back this month.
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We're not going to push ourselves so much.
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You know, if you have the plan to do certain things, but you
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can't do them and you rather just sit together and watch a
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movie or play a game and it's you don't have to think about
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then just do it. Because this doesn't mean that
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you're giving up. It means that you're being
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honest and you're acknowledging what's happening at the moment
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and you're also modeling resilience for your child.
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It's also a lesson that you can give them and talk to them and
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say, well, we wanted to read today, but you know, like
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everybody's been sick and the kids don't feel like doing it
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and pushing them. It's not going to bring
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anything. So talk to them about this.
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This is something that I cannot under score enough.
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Talk to your child about everything that's happening.
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If you decide to change your routine, if you decide to change
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something, talk to them because this is, this is how you're
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teaching them resilience too, and teaching them how to adapt
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and giving them a reason and they can work with this.
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I was going to ask, what's one final thought you want to have
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the listeners take away from today's episode?
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But it kind of feels like it's that to me.
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Honest, the resilient side of things and the honesty.
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And equally, I feel like what you just said is also about
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compassionate to yourself and forgiving to yourself that you
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can't do everything. But do you have anything else
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you'd like to add? Just I cannot reiterate the
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aspect of perfection that you don't need to be perfect, that
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doing small steps doesn't mean you're not doing enough.
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When you're not replicating what they're doing at school, for
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example, when you do reading and writing at home, it doesn't mean
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that you're not doing enough. Everything you do at home from a
19:42
place of connection and a place of intentionality is a huge
19:46
contribution to the language development of your child.
19:50
And you need presence, presence to be able to see how your
19:54
child's evolving. And I always say to be able to
19:57
utilize how they change and to utilize their interests for the
20:02
linguistic purposes. It sounds bad, but it's not.
20:05
It's very practical and it's really helpful for their
20:08
language development. So being present, being mindful
20:12
and being intentional about your choices, it's really the way to
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go. Well, thank you, Mimi.
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And that brings us to the end of today's episode.
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So thank you so much for coming back and joining us on this
20:23
little series we're doing. We hope this conversation gave
20:26
you a moment to pause, breathe, and maybe even help yourself
20:29
feel a little less alone on the ups and downs of multilingual
20:32
parenting. If there's one thing to take
20:34
away from today, it's this. You don't have to do more.
20:37
You just need to connect with what matters most to you and
20:39
your family because this journey, well, it's not actually
20:42
about perfection. It's about presence, purpose,
20:45
and staying kind to yourself along the way.
20:47
If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a
20:49
friend or a parent who might need it too.
20:51
And don't forget to like, subscribe and hit the
20:52
notification button. Mimi will be joining us every
20:55
month with more honest, insightful conversations on on
20:58
rising multilingual children. And by the way, the research and
21:01
resources we've mentioned are all LinkedIn for you in the show
21:04
notes, so make sure you go and check them out.
21:05
Until next time, keep going, keep growing, and be junk with
21:08
yourself. You're doing more than you
21:10
think.