Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Glad you asked - Q&A | Ep. 115

Transcript

Glad you asked - Q&A | Ep. 115 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hey there, wonderful parents.
• 0:08
  It's Cheryl Lang here with the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:12
  And today we're about to open up our overflowing mailbag and dive into some questions that you, our amazing listeners, have sent our way.
• 0:22
  From picky eaters to dramatic expressions, we're exploring it all.
• 0:28
  So, get ready as we navigate these parenting adventures together.
• 0:41
  Cheryl: It's so good to be back with y'all again today.
• 0:43
  Cheryl: I know.
• 0:43
  Cheryl: It
• 0:44
  Ellen: is.
• 0:44
  Ellen: And it's like summer right now.
• 0:45
  Ellen: Oh, I know.
• 0:45
  Ellen: Well it's kind of
• 0:46
  Christie: freaky.
• 0:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 0:47
  Ellen: You know'cause it's what,
• 0:48
  Cheryl: 75?
• 0:49
  Cheryl: Well, it's so funny because we keep coming and go.
• 0:53
  Cheryl: Oh, it's so cold today.
• 0:54
  Cheryl: Oh, it's raining today.
• 0:55
  Cheryl: Oh, it's got snow today.
• 0:57
  Cheryl: Oh, it's hot.
• 0:58
  Cheryl: But this
• 0:58
  Christie: is Oklahoma.
• 0:59
  Christie: It is Oklahoma.
• 0:59
  Christie: And it's the same month.
• 1:00
  Christie: You have no idea what season or month we're talking about.
• 1:03
  Christie: It's the same month.
• 1:04
  Cheryl: Yes, it's crazy.
• 1:06
  Cheryl: Oh, funny.
• 1:06
  Cheryl: All right.
• 1:07
  Cheryl: So I experienced something last week.
• 1:10
  Cheryl: It's again a little thing.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: And I had seen things online.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: But I, like, I've seen, um, Tesla's self driven.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: Things, but I've never been in one, and so a friend and I went to lunch and she had, I don't know, a nice SUV, I think it was an Infiniti, I'm not sure, and when we went to back out of the driveway, on her screen in the front was a full view, like a Perfect camera view all the way, like a movie, like a three, six
• 1:42
  Ellen: from
• 1:44
  Cheryl: the top.
• 1:45
  Cheryl: So obviously it's satellite, but it wasn't blurry.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: It was better than Google maps.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: It was absolutely clear as if she had a boom over them.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 1:58
  Cheryl: You could see in absolute panorama.
• 2:02
  Cheryl: Nice movie all the way around.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: Five feet in every direction.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: That's wild.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: I
• 2:07
  Christie: didn't know about that.
• 2:08
  Cheryl: I?
• 2:09
  Cheryl: I've never heard of it.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: I went, this is fantastic.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: And the men in my family would just laugh and go, oh, if we could have gotten it for you.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: I have really good direction, like I know right now what direction I'm facing, North, South, East, and West, and most places I'm really good figuring out, and oh, I've been here, and I turn here.
• 2:29
  Cheryl: But I don't have spatial awareness, particularly backing up.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: And so, starting with Bill, then my son's, Mom, you've got three feet on either side of you, but it feels like six inches to me.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: Mom,
• 2:43
  Ellen: you're hitting the car, so the
• 2:46
  Cheryl: next car is usually mine.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: Well, no, mine is, because I won't move, because I'm so scared.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: And stand in front of me, anyway.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: So, I could have used that.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: And I thought, maybe I'm the only one that didn't know about it.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: No.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: Then, when we were driving.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: On the road, instead of a rearview mirror, she has, again, a movie of what's going on behind her.
• 3:07
  Christie: Oh, in place of the rearview mirror.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: You could flip it to the rearview mirror, but I mean, it was a movie of everything going around, uh, two thirds coming up to, you know, like you would have your peripheral vision.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: And I said, is that hard to get used to?
• 3:22
  Cheryl: And she goes, very.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: I bet.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: You know, so.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: I mean.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: Amazing.
• 3:27
  Christie: Our cars don't fly yet, but it's about there.
• 3:30
  Ellen: I'm still in the dark ages, because I don't even have a beep or anything.
• 3:33
  Ellen: It's just, I'm on my own, make sure the mirrors are working fine and
• 3:38
  Christie: back up.
• 3:39
  Christie: Right.
• 3:40
  Christie: I hope nobody's there.
• 3:40
  Christie: Like the olden days.
• 3:41
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: And, well, the olden days, see, you don't remember.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: You, you didn't do it electronically.
• 3:50
  Cheryl: You had to.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: Do you remember?
• 3:52
  Christie: I remember
• 3:52
  Cheryl: having to manually fix your mirrors.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: You had to manually fix your mirrors and then there's cranking up and down the windows.
• 3:59
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:00
  Christie: I saw a little video the other day where they had a, maybe a 40, 30, 40 year old on one side of the door and like a 10 year old on the other side of the door and then the narrator was saying show me how to Answer a phone or show me how to roll down a window and and their gestures were so different It was really enlightening
• 4:20
  Cheryl: because I wonder if the kid would say what do you mean roll down a window?
• 4:23
  Christie: Yeah, I can't remember the terminology they use but yeah, it may have been Put down the window, something a little more neutral.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: Yes, I remember somebody's trying to say, Mom, what do you say?
• 4:31
  Cheryl: Hang up a phone.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Oh, there's so many terms.
• 4:34
  Cheryl: We use hangovers that will be gone soon as well.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: So, oh, what an interesting age we live in.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: Isn't it true?
• 4:42
  Cheryl: Um, and so it's here today.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: We have just got a stack, except it's an electronic stack, not a physical stack, of questions that parents have sent us and we haven't done a real Q& A in a long time.
• 4:57
  Cheryl: So y'all wanted to jump into a variety of different things?
• 4:59
  Cheryl: Yeah, I love that.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Yeah, sounds good.
• 5:01
  Christie: Yeah, I think those are my favorite episodes, just to talk about these popcorn questions.
• 5:05
  Christie: Yeah, that's true.
• 5:07
  Ellen: It really is.
• 5:07
  Ellen: And sometimes I have to really rack my brain, Because my grandkids can do whatever they want to, you know.
• 5:13
  Ellen: Because they're perfect.
• 5:13
  Ellen: Yes, they are.
• 5:14
  Ellen: They never do anything wrong.
• 5:15
  Ellen: Of course
• 5:16
  Cheryl: not.
• 5:17
  Cheryl: What a terrible race.
• 5:18
  Cheryl: If we raised our children to, you know, pros and cons.
• 5:21
  Cheryl: But it's true
• 5:22
  Ellen: though.
• 5:22
  Ellen: I mean, my kids always say to me, how come they never, how come they're so well behaved when they're at your house?
• 5:27
  Ellen: Like, I
• 5:27
  Cheryl: don't know.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: Well, cause I don't expect anything of them.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: Probably.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: Let's just enjoy each other, you know.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: And we couldn't just say, let's enjoy each other for our children.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: I tried it.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: It didn't work.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 5:41
  Christie: you gotta be
• 5:42
  Cheryl: a mom.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: Okay, so here's what one listener wrote in.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: How do I respond when my child describes hard things with strong language?
• 5:53
  Cheryl: Like, I just don't want to go anymore, ever again.
• 5:59
  Cheryl: I don't want to learn to do this.
• 6:02
  Cheryl: And so forth.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: Our son describes his feelings in big, dramatic ways.
• 6:07
  Cheryl: I just said that
• 6:08
  Christie: yesterday.
• 6:12
  laughter
• 6:13
  Cheryl: When he's mad, sad upset.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: He blurts out the worst thing he can think of to describe his experience.
• 6:20
  Cheryl: And I think she said he's like six, eight years old.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: What do y'all think?
• 6:26
  Cheryl: He's a drama
• 6:27
  Ellen: expressionist.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: Well, because
• 6:28
  Ellen: I talk like that, right?
• 6:30
  Ellen: Even now as an adult, I'm like, that's the most horrible thing
• 6:33
  Christie: ever, never doing that again.
• 6:35
  Christie: Oh, I know.
• 6:36
  Christie: My husband heard those words.
• 6:37
  Christie: He would think it was a quote from a direct quote from
• 6:41
  Cheryl: our kitchen.
• 6:42
  Cheryl: So all guilty is charged because My kids, Oh, Mom, you're so dramatic, you know, and it's interesting because sometimes you use the word drama and I go, No, drama is different from dramatic.
• 6:54
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Yes Okay, dramatic is using expressive large words and drama is enjoying the chaos and I'm not into that.
• 7:04
  Christie: Okay.
• 7:04
  Christie: Okay.
• 7:05
  Christie: I see that.
• 7:06
  Christie: Okay.
• 7:06
  Christie: I think, I mean, I went to a parenting seminar one time and, um, the speaker said, value passion wherever you see it.
• 7:15
  Christie: Oh my.
• 7:15
  Christie: And, you know, I would always kind of jokingly laugh and say that to myself when my child was throwing a temper tantrum or, you know, just these exaggerated responses.
• 7:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:24
  Christie: Oh, well, value passion wherever you see it.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: Well, I would like to have taught that to my kids.
• 7:29
  Cheryl: And so now when they're older and saying, Mom, you're so dramatic.
• 7:35
  Cheryl: Value, passion, where you
• 7:36
  Christie: you see it.
• 7:37
  Christie: Here it is.
• 7:39
  Christie: Yeah, I mean, I think that some, in the moment, things feel like they're never going to end, or they're the biggest thing on the planet at the time.
• 7:49
  Christie: And I think it's very relatable, whether you're six or 46.
• 7:53
  Christie: And
• 7:55
  Ellen: having wrong expectations for age groups.
• 7:57
  Ellen: You know, and you know, a young child is going to over exaggerate how they feel as a teenager will over exaggerate.
• 8:05
  Ellen: And it's something we help our kids learn.
• 8:07
  Ellen: But how do you really feel?
• 8:09
  Ellen: Kind of try to draw out and give them maybe a little different vocabulary, but they're just expressing stuff very passionately and they don't
• 8:16
  Cheryl: know.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: I really like that.
• 8:18
  Cheryl: Let's figure out, like, what is the origin?
• 8:21
  Cheryl: What's beneath this?
• 8:22
  Cheryl: Like you're saying, what's going on?
• 8:24
  Cheryl: And then, How can we word it to help them the best?
• 8:27
  Cheryl: Yeah, well I
• 8:28
  Christie: think, like I said, whether you're 6 or 46, whatever your age, you've never lived this life before that you're living today.
• 8:35
  Christie: So if you think of a 6 year old, what do they have in their day?
• 8:38
  Christie: They have breakfast, they have school, they have, their TV shows are their favorite apps.
• 8:45
  Christie: They've got brushing their teeth and soccer.
• 8:46
  Christie: Maybe an annoying sister or brother.
• 8:49
  Christie: And so these things are the components of their day that they're learning to navigate.
• 8:54
  Christie: And if one of them is frustrating, it's, it's very clumsy trying to figure out how to communicate your feelings about.
• 9:01
  Christie: frustrations in life.
• 9:02
  Christie: And I think about the series we did last summer when we learned all about the brain and whole brain child and how the amygdala just kind of hijacks your, your responses.
• 9:14
  Christie: And that might be kind of what's going on here is he's, he's kind of triggered and in a panic because I do not like this moment I'm in.
• 9:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:21
  Ellen: And I think that's all they know at that age, you know, I mean it really that's part of growing up is when you realize this moment will pass, you know, because that's the hard thing.
• 9:30
  Ellen: A little child, a teenager, they're in the moment and it feels like it's going to be this way forever and I hate it.
• 9:38
  Christie: Which is relatable.
• 9:40
  Carol: Both of these, what you're saying, Christy, I'm so thankful that I've learned that.
• 9:45
  Carol: I wish I had learned it decades ago.
• 9:48
  Carol: The idea of connecting with their emotions and then helping them, go back and listen to those episodes It's so good.
• 9:57
  Carol: Like, name it, to tame it it.
• 9:59
  Carol: You know, and Ellen, what you said is the way I might have responded in the past, is either commiserate too much, and then not equip them, or go, oh, you know, you're fine, you're fine, you know, oh, just get over it, attitude, whether I said those words or not.
• 10:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:18
  Carol: And I really like what you're saying, Christy, that we connect with them, value how they're feeling, but then help them name those emotions And work their way out of it
• 10:32
  Christie: Right
• 10:32
  Ellen: I think learning as a parent to make that a quick process, because I could see some moms going, I can't do that every single time.
• 10:41
  Ellen: My child has a meltdown.
• 10:43
  Ellen: But learning tools within yourself to help them move forward more quickly and recognize, okay, it's okay.
• 10:52
  Christie: Yeah, it is one of those things where a little bit goes a long way.
• 10:55
  Christie: You don't have to sit in the depths of the soul for hours on end, but enough to, you know, a lot of times we hear people say, don't be your child's friend and, and there's some truth to that and that it's probably a whole episode, but they do need a friend in that moment.
• 11:10
  Christie: They need someone to enter into the emotion with them for just a minute, enough to validate it and then to redirect them out of it.
• 11:17
  Christie: Someone that has the perspective of a mature adult, which is a lot of times not what I did.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: Y'all just did that with me because our whole life is not this podcast.
• 11:28
  Cheryl: We're actually friends.
• 11:30
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:31
  Cheryl: And there was something I was struggling with and y'all did exactly that.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: Y'all sat with me, let me express what I was doing and my self focused and self feelings, all my emotions.
• 11:43
  Cheryl: And then y'all loved me and you spoke into it and walked with me out of it.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: We
• 11:48
  Ellen: helped give you perspective.
• 11:49
  Ellen: Yes.
• 11:50
  Ellen: Because you touched on that a little bit, Christy.
• 11:52
  Ellen: I think that's what our kids need, is we give them a perspective.
• 11:55
  Ellen: It's not going to be like this in an hour from now.
• 11:58
  Ellen: It's not going to be like this forever, depending on what the issue is.
• 12:01
  Ellen: Because that's how, when you're in the moment, you feel like this is it.
• 12:05
  Carol: Right.
• 12:05
  Carol: But, like we've talked about before.
• 12:08
  Carol: We want to validate their emotions instead of saying, get over it, validate it, and then as it's appropriate, help them walk out, which is what y'all did.
• 12:16
  Carol: You didn't say you're just being self centered and selfish, Cheryl, get over it.
• 12:20
  Carol: You commiserated me, you listened, you loved me, and then slowly began to give me perspective.
• 12:26
  Carol: And i was able to listen
• 12:27
  Christie: But the opposite wouldn't have been a good friend either to just crawl in the hole with you.
• 12:31
  Christie: That's right.
• 12:31
  Christie: And overly validate and give you excuses and give you reasons to continue in that space without causing you to redirect and refocus on the perspective.
• 12:41
  Cheryl: And sometimes when you're not balanced, and you don't have perspective, that you want to be gentle.
• 12:48
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:49
  Cheryl: You end up doing them.
• 12:49
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: And then you stay there with
• 12:51
  Ellen: them.
• 12:52
  Ellen: Well, yes, because sometimes what triggers your child triggers you too.
• 12:56
  Ellen: And so you're triggered together on the same issue.
• 13:00
  Christie: Well, just to get a little more specific, I had a child who was had some high sensitivity and there would be scenarios that she would.
• 13:10
  Christie: Really, I mean, get extremely upset about things and just what you're saying, like I was triggered because I felt insecure as a mom.
• 13:19
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:19
  Christie: What am I doing wrong?
• 13:20
  Christie: Do we keep going to this, this setting that, you know, panics her every time?
• 13:25
  Christie: How do I help her grow through it?
• 13:27
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:27
  Christie: I don't know what to do.
• 13:28
  Christie: You know, there's all those like questions in your own mind.
• 13:30
  Christie: I feel
• 13:31
  Ellen: like a failure.
• 13:32
  Ellen: Yes.
• 13:33
  Ellen: Because I don't know how to adequately help this child with their emotions.
• 13:36
  Christie: Right.
• 13:37
  Christie: And even more so if.
• 13:38
  Christie: If there's embarrassment involved, if it's a public and people are watching and all eyes are on you and it's loud.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: So you're telling me we've looped back to taking it personally?
• 13:49
  Cheryl: Always.
• 13:50
  Christie: Well, you
• 13:50
  Ellen: know, sometimes, you know, because we had five kids.
• 13:54
  Ellen: Depending on the children that were more similar to my husband, I could ask him, Why did this child respond this way?
• 14:01
  Ellen: Because that's so beyond how I would have responded as a kid or anything.
• 14:06
  Ellen: So it's just like off the charts to me.
• 14:08
  Ellen: And then he would explain.
• 14:09
  Ellen: Duh duh duh duh duh duh.
• 14:11
  Ellen: Oh, that makes sense.
• 14:13
  Ellen: Now that you explained that, because I just, I honestly didn't know.
• 14:17
  Ellen: That maybe that was hurting their feelings because to me, they could care less, but they got their feelings hurt or they got embarrassed or whatever.
• 14:25
  Ellen: And having your spouse or a friend who can see things can sometimes really help you see, Oh, well, you're not crazy.
• 14:33
  Ellen: They're not crazy.
• 14:34
  Ellen: That's just their, that's just their perspective right now.
• 14:37
  Ellen: I
• 14:38
  Christie: think sometimes we, we, um, make the mistake of seeing our kids as, I don't know, like a monolith.
• 14:45
  Christie: Maybe like as a six year old or as a girl or as a boy or as a, you know, a category.
• 14:51
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:51
  Christie: And instead of like, you're saying a person, you know, and so sometimes we forget they have personalities they're growing into and it may be somebody else that can shed light on to their personality that's different than yours.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: And sometimes they're trying on a different outfit, you know.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: Or they're hanging with a friend that tends to be more dramatic or less dramatic and they're just Oh, that's a whole other episode.
• 15:16
  Christie: Or a, a TV show.
• 15:18
  Christie: There were certain TV shows because of certain characters that we did not watch unless they were at Grandma's.
• 15:23
  Christie: And they would say, we got to watch them.
• 15:25
  Christie: I'm like, oh, okay, great.
• 15:26
  Christie: Just don't act like that.
• 15:27
  Christie: But yeah, I mean, certain personalities that they were like Oh, that kind of looks cool.
• 15:32
  Christie: I want to be like that.
• 15:33
  Christie: And yeah, it can be contagious.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: And sometimes it's
• 15:38
  Ellen: just timing.
• 15:39
  Ellen: Sometimes you just need to walk away and let them finish working out whatever it is and then you can come back around later when everybody's calmed or, you know, because a lot of times I would send a kid to their room, but not as a punishment.
• 15:52
  Ellen: I'd go, go sit on your bed for a little bit and figure out what you're thinking and you're feeling.
• 15:57
  Ellen: And then I would maybe empty the dishwasher or do something.
• 16:01
  Ellen: Then I'd go back in and check.
• 16:03
  Ellen: And that gave them some time to sort of think about, Oh, well, actually, I'm really mad because this happened before.
• 16:09
  Ellen: And now I'm mad because of this.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: And that's sort of like what you were talking about from whole brain Child, the taking the deep breath.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:17
  Cheryl: And I have really seen that as a great tool, you know.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: Oh, I've gone to my room many
• 16:23
  Ellen: times,
• 16:23
  Christie: you know.
• 16:24
  Christie: Ellen, take a deep breath.
• 16:26
  Christie: I'll be back.
• 16:27
  Christie: Yeah, I think another tool, you guys talking about tools, this parent seems to be really concerned about the actual vocabulary the child's using and so I think it's appropriate to have words that your family doesn't use.
• 16:40
  Christie: You know, we had some that were just, we don't want, we don't want to use that word or we want to save that for life or death situations, you know, and so if there are some of those words coming into play that you'd rather them not be using, hate might be one of those, you know, give them the tools and the vocabulary to use, you know, okay, hey, but remember, there's probably a better word we can use.
• 17:01
  Christie: What about this one?
• 17:02
  Christie: Does this feel like it fits better?
• 17:03
  Christie: I
• 17:03
  Cheryl: like that positive way of saying it.
• 17:05
  Cheryl: You know, that's a great way to phrase it.
• 17:08
  Ellen: Save the hate for something really important.
• 17:10
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:11
  Christie: Mushrooms.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: That's
• 17:17
  Christie: appropriate.
• 17:18
  Christie: Yeah, yes.
• 17:19
  Christie: Leave it for the mushrooms.
• 17:22
  Christie: Anything
• 17:22
  Cheryl: else on this?
• 17:23
  Cheryl: think it's,
• 17:24
  Ellen: that's just hard because you know, the, everything has to be aligned properly sometimes for you to have the right
• 17:30
  Christie: response.
• 17:31
  Christie: You know?
• 17:31
  Christie: Your mood.
• 17:32
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:32
  Christie: Your mood.
• 17:33
  Christie: Everyone needs to be fed and slept.
• 17:35
  Christie: Exactly.
• 17:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:36
  Christie: Well, I'm
• 17:37
  Cheryl: projecting myself on this parent.
• 17:39
  Cheryl: The thing is not take it personally, but hearing the words, all of this.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: I need to step back, take deep breaths, I need to be the one so that I can engage well.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: So you're not
• 17:53
  Ellen: reacting to their reaction.
• 17:55
  Christie: Oh.
• 17:56
  Christie: I know.
• 17:57
  Ellen: When my children see me bite my tongue.
• 17:59
  Ellen: Literally.
• 18:00
  Ellen: Literally biting my tongue.
• 18:01
  Ellen: They go, oh, mom's really mad.
• 18:03
  Ellen: And they'll say, and you can tell when dad's really mad because the vein in his forehead kind of pulses.
• 18:10
  Cheryl: Oh, my goodness.
• 18:11
  Christie: So they're paying a lot of attention.
• 18:13
  Christie: They sure
• 18:14
  Cheryl: are
• 18:15
  Christie: That's hard.
• 18:16
  Christie: Well, I felt my heart rate going up just a little bit as you were reading the question, honestly.
• 18:20
  Christie: I mean, I know that moment of where just the emotions are exploding and my kids actually know.
• 18:27
  Christie: And be doing a deep breath look on me.
• 18:29
  Christie: You know, they can kind of see like mom's having a moment because I've done it so often in their life.
• 18:35
  Christie: Just take a deep breath and have to recenter myself before I can engage with them.
• 18:40
  Christie: So you're
• 18:40
  Cheryl: saying we're all in process.
• 18:43
  Christie: Yes.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: Yes okay.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: That's great.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: All right.
• 18:47
  Cheryl: Here's another one.
• 18:48
  Cheryl: Um, and I hear this regularly from parents.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: I have a picky eater who would absolutely refuse fruits and vegetables.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: Absolutely refused.
• 18:59
  Cheryl: That's the way it was written here again.
• 19:01
  Cheryl: No amount of coercing, bargaining, threatening would change her mind.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: I tried to sneak pumpkin bread and banana bread and rice cauliflower in the soup, but now at 14, she eats jalapenos, onions, and bananas, and occasionally a Caesar salad.
• 19:18
  Cheryl: I will sometimes try to sneak in a scoop of greens in a drink.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: Sometimes I feel like a failure in this area as I try to feed my family in a healthy way.
• 19:30
  Cheryl: What am I doing wrong?
• 19:32
  Ellen: Probably nothing.
• 19:34
  Ellen: You said 14.
• 19:35
  Ellen: That kind of sums
• 19:36
  Cheryl: it up.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: Well, look, it says there's a history of being a picky eater.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, they made the
• 19:40
  progress
• 19:41
  Christie: up until age 14.
• 19:43
  Christie: Wow.
• 19:44
  Cheryl: So, did y'all have picky eaters?
• 19:46
  Cheryl: Do you identify with this?
• 19:47
  Cheryl: Oh, I was
• 19:48
  Christie: a picky eater.
• 19:49
  Cheryl: Well, you already mentioned your hatred of mushrooms.
• 19:51
  Cheryl: Yes,
• 19:52
  Christie: yes.
• 19:52
  Christie: And so it took me until adulthood to actually, you know, and now there's really, other than mushrooms and if there were a mound of onions, I pretty much eat everything.
• 20:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:02
  Christie: And so I can be hope for everyone.
• 20:03
  Christie: But yeah, I did have picky eaters.
• 20:06
  Christie: Um, mostly, I, I mean, I, I kind of cooked to the center, you know, where they all overlapped.
• 20:13
  Christie: I tried to make sure everyone had something healthy that I knew they would like, you know.
• 20:18
  Christie: Everyone pretty much liked broccoli, so we had a lot of broccoli.
• 20:20
  Christie: You know, certain things that I knew they would eat, but then throw in a little curveball that would stretch them a little bit.
• 20:27
  Christie: Well, I like
• 20:28
  Cheryl: this.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: Talk about stretching.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: That's a good word.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: Because I really didn't have picky eaters.
• 20:34
  Cheryl: Yeah so I can talk about this, but not really identify
• 20:37
  Christie: with it.
• 20:38
  Christie: So I have two that would have always been able to eat anything and then I have a couple that have some sensory issues and and it took me a while to realize that my own pickiness was like a sensory issue.
• 20:50
  Christie: So we got to where we would say you just have to touch it to your lips or lick it or experience in some way and that was even a big step with some of my kids on certain foods.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: I really agree because talking to friends that are OTs that are saying, there are selective eaters, and sensitivity issues okay?
• 21:10
  Cheryl: I knew somebody, grown man, he would eat nothing white.
• 21:14
  Cheryl: Oh, that's interesting.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: Don't know where that came from.
• 21:17
  Cheryl: But I want to be sensitive because there's personal preference, but also sensitivity issues.
• 21:24
  Christie: Right?
• 21:24
  Christie: We, we had a kind of a rule that Not a rule, but a policy that if you didn't want what was served, your option was to go in and make a sandwich, but they had to be able to clean everything up.
• 21:35
  Christie: I was not going to make a second meal, but they had to make the sandwich themselves, clean it up, and I needed to not know that it happened in the kitchen.
• 21:42
  Christie: And so one of my girls does not like soup or anything combined.
• 21:47
  Christie: Casseroles kind of wear you out, anything like that.
• 21:50
  Christie: Is she the
• 21:50
  Cheryl: more sensitive?
• 21:52
  Christie: So she came in and realized we were having soups.
• 21:54
  Christie: Like I said, sometimes I would just prepare a meal that I knew was going to get pushed back.
• 21:59
  Christie: So she came in and I said, Hey, you know, I know this isn't your favorite meal, but what about tonight?
• 22:04
  Christie: If you just stretch yourself and let's just be thankful for the soup that you have.
• 22:08
  Christie: Huh.
• 22:08
  Christie: That's good.
• 22:08
  Christie: And she said.
• 22:09
  Christie: But, Mama, can't I just be thankful for the sandwich?
• 22:13
  Christie: Yes.
• 22:14
  Christie: And I was like, well, I mean, the gratitude is there.
• 22:17
  Christie: What do I do with that?
• 22:18
  Christie: You know, she was grateful, but it was just so, it's kind of, you know, that strong willed mind.
• 22:23
  Christie: She could not get past it.
• 22:24
  Christie: the soup.
• 22:25
  Christie: It was a big deal.
• 22:25
  Cheryl: But again, is it strong willed or sensitivity issues or is it personal preference?
• 22:30
  Cheryl: but you know, because I had one.
• 22:33
  Cheryl: They just couldn't do it.
• 22:35
  Cheryl: They would gag on the food.
• 22:37
  Cheryl: Not fake.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: They really did gag.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: Also, I've heard from the experts that I respect say don't make dinners a battlefield.
• 22:47
  Carol: Right Dinners are supposed to be this wonderful, huge connection and we're sharing this and as everybody gets older and it gets more complicated, you know, you have to fight for time, staff, family, meals.
• 23:00
  Carol: And so they, for lots of reasons, they say don't make it a battleground.
• 23:04
  Carol: And actually a lot of them say Don't worry about it.
• 23:07
  Carol: Keep offering good food Do that and be pretty balanced, but don't make it an issue.
• 23:15
  Carol: Well,
• 23:15
  Christie: I will say my, those two little ones that were sensitive to, to foods and picky, um, did their meal prepping together last week in my kitchen.
• 23:25
  Christie: And there were plenty of vegetables involved and they made good choices.
• 23:29
  Christie: And so there is hope and they had to kind of coach themselves in that direction.
• 23:33
  Christie: I didn't really do a lot of the I mean, it was what you said, just modeling healthy choices and, and they've wanted to try to grow in this area.
• 23:42
  Christie: And my adult life, like you're saying, Ellen, it gets embarrassing sometimes when you're in an adult setting, you're like, I'm eating like a four year old, I've got to grow up at some point.
• 23:52
  Christie: I guess I'll eat this broccoli.
• 23:54
  Christie: And then you realize, oh, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated.
• 23:57
  Ellen: And it's really hard if you're not naturally a picky person.
• 24:00
  Ellen: I mean, I joke about it.
• 24:01
  Ellen: The only thing I won't eat is liver and onions, you know.
• 24:04
  Ellen: Just really, it's liver, not the onions, but, but So, not coming from that perspective, it was really hard for me to understand when people would be picky.
• 24:13
  Ellen: And not having picky children, I can't, I'm not.
• 24:17
  Ellen: Identify with
• 24:18
  Cheryl: it.
• 24:18
  Cheryl: And
• 24:19
  Ellen: now I'm hungry.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: I know.
• 24:24
  Cheryl: One of the things, you know, I would encourage our listeners to not have any Guilting and shame into it.
• 24:32
  Ellen: Making your children aware in a non guilty way that, that there's other people that don't have what we have.
• 24:41
  Cheryl: But you know, that's a conversation.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: Big conversation to have, not in the moment when they won't eat the broccolis and the
• 24:48
  Christie: peas.
• 24:49
  Christie: Right, maybe you have that conversation when you're grocery shopping, or other times.
• 24:53
  Christie: Or you can show them a little
• 24:54
  Cheryl: film.
• 24:55
  Cheryl: Yeah, or we're talking about Depending
• 24:56
  Ellen: on their ages, you know.
• 24:58
  Cheryl: Loving people well, and how we want to be appreciative, which are the big issues that we want to talk about, but not battlefield.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: at the table over the broccoli.
• 25:07
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:09
  Christie: Well, it's pretty practical, and I think it's been said before, but getting your kids in the kitchen, I think, is a good way to combat some of the pickiness, and, you know, some of the Yeah.
• 25:20
  Christie: Licking of the vegetables happened in the kitchen rather than at the dinner table, and it was more fun and exploratory that way rather than getting involved into the, like you said, not making the dinner table a battle or, you know, having to say, Hey, just eat some of it, please, you know, and
• 25:36
  Cheryl: or just offer it gently, not making it a big deal, but saying, Do you want to try one bite or one lick?
• 25:43
  Cheryl: Right?
• 25:44
  Christie: Yeah, because if if the kids in the kitchen chopping up the carrots or whatever.
• 25:48
  Christie: It's, it's more exploratory and sensory.
• 25:53
  Christie: It's less overwhelming when you know I've got to eat this.
• 25:56
  Christie: And it might just be they want to eat it raw, not cooked.
• 25:59
  Christie: Well, that's a win.
• 26:00
  Christie: Yeah, you start there.
• 26:02
  Christie: There's just
• 26:03
  Ellen: less strong of a flavor, especially in a veggie if it's not cooked.
• 26:06
  Ellen: So
• 26:07
  Cheryl: yeah, we'll be flexible without catering to anyone for alternatives.
• 26:13
  Cheryl: Mom, I just can't eat eggs, or I would never offer my kid's liver, but I just can't.
• 26:19
  Cheryl: So let's offer, you know, choices.
• 26:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:22
  Christie: And ask them, what about it don't you like?
• 26:24
  Christie: If it's that it's mushy, okay, let's try it raw.
• 26:26
  Christie: If it's that you don't like the hard boiled egg.
• 26:28
  Christie: Let's try it scrambled.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: So let's bring raw liver and see if
• 26:32
  Christie: I
• 26:34
  Ellen: swallowed many a liver.
• 26:37
  Ellen: So did my dog.
• 26:38
  Ellen: I would chew it up and hand it to the dog when no one is
• 26:40
  Cheryl: looking.
• 26:42
  Christie: Anyway,
• 26:43
  Ellen: and you know, pate isn't
• 26:44
  Christie: that bad.
• 26:47
  Christie: It's a different,
• 26:47
  Ellen: totally different
• 26:49
  Cheryl: taste.
• 26:50
  Cheryl: Okay, so it's been great.
• 26:53
  Cheryl: This is fun.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: I'll remind you again.
• 26:56
  Cheryl: Parents, send us your questions.
• 26:59
  Cheryl: We love to hear from your lives and talk about where you are and what you're doing.
• 27:05
  Cheryl: Okay, so, parents, hang in there.
• 27:09
  Cheryl: Keep loving.
• 27:10
  Cheryl: Keep persevering.
• 27:11
  Cheryl: Because it's worth it.
• 27:19
  Before we say goodbye, I wanna take a moment to thank each of you for joining us today on The Parenting Podcast and for sharing your family's journey with us.
• 27:29
  Your dedication to understanding and supporting your children and shines the every question you ask and challenge you face.
• 27:38
  Your questions about picky eaters and dramatic speaking children are not about just finding quick fixes.
• 27:46
  They're about seeking deeper understanding and connection with your loved ones.
• 27:51
  It's inspiring to me to see your dedication to nurturing such healthy relationships with your children.
• 27:59
  Remember, every difficulty, even if it's just some uneaten broccoli, is an opportunity to learn and grow together.
• 28:10
  Reach out to us with your thoughts and experiences through social media, our website, or contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 28:18
  com.
• 28:19
  And let's continue supporting each other in this beautiful journey of parenthood.
• 28:24
  Until next time, take care and keep embracing the joys and challenges of raising your remarkable children.