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Stop Self-Abandonment · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, and welcome back to the Spiritual Shitshow podcast.
• 0:03
  I am Julie Nguyen, and this is the place where we make room for the sacred, the messy, the magical, and the very human experience of being alive.
• 0:12
  Today, I wanna hold space for a really tender question.
• 0:16
  What is actually standing between us and the abundant, fulfilling, deeply alive life we say we want?
• 0:26
  Because I don't think it's always a lack of opportunity.
• 0:30
  I don't think it's always a lack of talent, vision, resources, or desire.
• 0:35
  sometimes the thing keeping us from abundance is this quiet, repeated way we abandon ourselves.
• 0:42
  And I'm recording this because this is a sentence I have been sitting with.
• 0:48
  Abundance is not only money.
• 0:50
  not just this perfectly curated life, the big house, the dream job, the loving relationship, the booked calendar, the full bank account.
• 0:58
  Abundance is aliveness.
• 1:01
  It's having room to breathe, to create.
• 1:05
  It is trusting your own ideas.
• 1:07
  It is being able to hear your inner voice without immediately shutting her down.
• 1:13
  It is letting yourself want what you want.
• 1:17
  It is receiving love without having to become someone else to keep it.
• 1:22
  It is creating a life where you do not have to leave yourself behind in order to belong.
• 1:29
  And on the other side of abundance, I have been finding something else.
• 1:34
  And this is the tender part.
• 1:37
  Abandonment.
• 1:39
  Not always abandonment by somebody else, but self-abandonment.
• 1:44
  The moments when we override our truth.
• 1:47
  The moments we minimize our dreams before anyone else can reject them.
• 1:51
  The moments that we feel lit up by an idea, and then we do absolutely nothing with it because it feels too weird, too big, too wild, too much, too embarrassing, too unlikely.
• 2:02
  The moments when we stop speaking because we are afraid that honesty might cost us love.
• 2:08
  That is what we're talking about today.
• 2:11
  Welcome to the Spiritual Alphabet.
• 2:14
  Today's episode is brought to you by the letter A.
• 2:18
  Abundance, abandonment, anchors, allowance, accountability, and frankly, a little bit of audacity So let's start here.
• 2:29
  You cannot create an abundant life while continuously abandoning the person who is meant to live it.: You can have the vision board, you can have the affirmations, you can have the manifestation journal, the crystals, the morning routine, the matcha, the moon water, all of it.
• 2:44
  But if every time your soul offers you a desire and you respond with,"That's too much," or,"Who do you think you are?" Or,"People won't like that-" then we need to lovingly call it what it is.
• 2:57
  That is self-abandonment.
• 3:00
  And this is not about blame.
• 3:02
  This is not about shaming yourself for having protective patterns.
• 3:06
  most of us learned these patterns for a reason.
• 3:09
  At some point, being quiet may have helped you feel safe.
• 3:13
  At some point, shape-shifting may have helped you belong.
• 3:16
  At some point, minimizing your needs may have helped you survive a difficult environment, a family system, friendship, workplace, or relationship.
• 3:27
  Your nervous system is not trying to ruin your life.
• 3:30
  It is trying to prevent pain based on old information.
• 3:35
  But old protection can become a current prison.
• 3:39
  there comes a moment in personal mastery when we have to say,"I understand why I learned this, and I am no longer willing to let it run my whole life That is accountability, and it's hard.
• 3:54
  But it is not punishment.
• 3:55
  It's accountability, taking responsibility for the ways we participate in our own disconnection.
• 4:03
  Because sometimes the gap between where we are and the abundance we desire is not a lack of worthiness.
• 4:10
  It's the habit of leaving ourselves I wanna talk about anchors.
• 4:16
  what are the anchors keeping us from the life we desire?
• 4:21
  Fear is one.
• 4:22
  Fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of being judged, fear of changing, fear of being seen, fear of being misunderstood.
• 4:30
  And can we be honest just for a moment?
• 4:32
  Sometimes we're not afraid that we're gonna fail.
• 4:35
  Sometimes we are afraid it might work because if it works, then we have to become visible.
• 4:41
  We have to hold more.
• 4:42
  We have to stop pretending we don't care.
• 4:44
  We have to let ourselves be witnessed in our bigness, and that can feel vulnerable as hell Another anchor is childhood programming.
• 4:54
  Maybe you learned that being good meant being agreeable.
• 4:58
  Maybe love was inconsistent, so you became hyper attuned to everyone else's moods.
• 5:04
  Maybe you learned that having needs was inconvenient.
• 5:08
  Maybe you were praised for being easy, selfless, low maintenance, helpful, quiet, mature, or independent, and those qualities are not bad, but they become a requirement for being loved.
• 5:20
  But when they become a requirement for being loved, we can start to confuse self-erasure with connection.
• 5:28
  We start thinking,"If I accommodate enough, they'll stay.
• 5:33
  If I don't ask for too much, I'll be safe.
• 5:37
  If I become what they want, I won't be abandoned." But here's the hard, clear truth.
• 5:44
  When you abandon yourself to keep love, you may keep the relationship, but you lose intimacy because intimacy requires a real you.
• 5:55
  Not a polished you, not a palatable you, not a version of you built entirely around making sure somebody else is comfortable, but the real you.
• 6:05
  I want to name something carefully here.
• 6:08
  This is something that I am chewing on in my own mind and in my own life.
• 6:13
  Many women prioritize harmony and have received a deep messaging that partnership, approval, and being chosen are measures of our value.
• 6:29
  That can create a powerful impulse for us to shape-shift in relationships.
• 6:34
  Not because we are weak, because we are human, and attachment matters.
• 6:40
  We want to be loved.
• 6:42
  We want to be chosen.
• 6:43
  We want to belong.
• 6:45
  there is nothing shameful about that.
• 6:48
  But the question is: What are you trading for that belonging?
• 6:53
  Are you trading your voice?
• 6:55
  Are you trading your desires?
• 6:57
  Are you trading your creativity?
• 6:59
  Are you trading your boundaries?
• 7:01
  Are you trading your weird, beautiful, inconvenient, brilliant self?
• 7:05
  Because love that requires your disappearance is not the abundance you are looking for.
• 7:12
  I'm gonna say that again just for my own heart.
• 7:15
  Love that requires your disappearance is not abundance.
• 7:20
  It may be familiar, it may be intense, it may even feel like home, but familiar is not always nourishing There is a line in spiritual teachings that in different forms says this: You are not here to be made smaller.
• 7:36
  You are here to remember your inherent wholeness And I love the idea from the Bhagavad Gita.
• 7:44
  We are invited to take aligned action without being consumed by attachment to the outcome.
• 7:51
  So in other words, do the thing that is yours to do.
• 7:56
  Say the thing that is true.
• 7:59
  Make the art.
• 8:00
  Send the message.
• 8:01
  Set the boundary.
• 8:03
  Apply for the opportunity.
• 8:05
  Rest when you need rest.
• 8:07
  Wear the thing.
• 8:08
  Start the weird little project.
• 8:11
  Let yourself be interested in what you're interested in, and then release the desperate need to control whether anyone understands it, approves of it, claps for it, or even stays.
• 8:24
  That is not easy.
• 8:26
  I am in it right now myself, but it sure does feel freeing.
• 8:33
  Self-abandonment often starts with the belief that other people's response to us is more important than our relationship with ourselves, and I am here to invite you into a new agreement.
• 8:45
  My relationship with myself is not negotiable.
• 8:49
  That doesn't mean we become selfish, rigid, or incapable of compromise.
• 8:53
  Compromise is a healthy part of relationship, but compromise is not the same thing as chronic self-betrayal.
• 9:01
  Accommodation is not automatically love.
• 9:06
  Silence is not automatically peace.
• 9:09
  Being easy to be around is not the same thing as being fully alive.
• 9:15
  And I don't know about you, but I want to know what it feels like to be fully fucking alive.
• 9:24
  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is disappoint someone with your honesty.
• 9:29
  So how do we begin?
• 9:30
  How do we move from abandonment towards abundance?
• 9:35
  Let's go through the A's, starting with number one, which is awareness.
• 9:40
  You cannot change a pattern you refuse to see, and this is the hard part because we have to be able to look at ourselves and then give ourselves a lot of love, self-compassion, and forgiveness.
• 9:53
  But I want you to start noticing your abandonment cues.
• 9:58
  What happens in your body when you are about to override yourself?
• 10:02
  Maybe your throat tightens, maybe your stomach drops, maybe you feel that instant urge to say,"It's fine," when it's absolutely not fine Maybe you have an idea, and then you feel excited, and then after that, you immediately scroll on your phone, clean your kitchen, and do everything else that is not in alignment with your idea, and you don't take action When we are able to give ourself this type of awareness, there is no judgment.
• 10:31
  It is just awareness.
• 10:33
  And I want you to ask yourself,"Where am I leaving myself today?" Where am I pretending not to know what I know?
• 10:43
  And that is a big one in this abandonment piece.
• 10:46
  I know what I know.
• 10:49
  And when am I pretending not to know what I know All right, number two is anchors.
• 10:57
  I want you to identify the beliefs that keep you down.
• 11:01
  Maybe your anchor sounds like,"If I am too much, people will leave.
• 11:06
  If I speak up, I'll create conflict.
• 11:09
  If I go after what I want, I might fail, or I might succeed.
• 11:15
  If I am successful, people will judge me.
• 11:17
  If I let myself be seen, I could be rejected.
• 11:19
  If I choose myself, I'll be alone." And I want you to write all of these anchors down because a belief that stays hidden can feel like reality, and that belief, that is not true, We do not want running the show.
• 11:37
  But once it's on paper, you can look at it and say,"That is an old story, and that is not true." Number three is allowance.
• 11:46
  This is also a big one.
• 11:48
  Allowance is giving yourself permission to be you, to have desires, to change your mind, to be complicated, to want love and also want freedom, to want partnership and also want to remain deeply connected to yourself, to be healing and still have messy days, to be spiritual and still occasionally lose your mind in traffic.
• 12:12
  Allowance says,"I do not need to earn the right to exist as I am Abundance grows where there is room, and you cannot receive a full life when you are constantly policing your own humanity.
• 12:29
  Whew.
• 12:29
  I feel that one in my core The fourth one is accountability.
• 12:35
  This is where we get real.
• 12:37
  No one can make you stop abandoning yourself except you.
• 12:41
  People may pressure you, they may have expectations, they may not like your boundaries, they may be disappointed when you become more honest, but your job is to notice when you are handing your authority away.
• 12:54
  Accountability asks,"What choice can I make today that brings me back to myself?" Maybe it's a conversation, maybe it's a boundary, maybe it's saying no, maybe it's saying yes.
• 13:06
  Maybe it is finally beginning the thing you keep calling a dream.
• 13:09
  Maybe it is getting support from a trusted friend, coach, therapist, or community as you untangle these patterns that feel deeply rooted.
• 13:19
  Small acts of self-loyalty create a new life And then number five, abundance.
• 13:28
  Abundance is not a finish line you arrive at once you have fixed every wound.
• 13:33
  Abundance is the experience of being available for your life now.
• 13:37
  I'm gonna say that again.
• 13:38
  Abundance is the experience of being available for your life now.
• 13:43
  It is looking at your own desires and saying,"You matter to me." It is becoming someone who does not need a guarantee before taking a loving step forward It is understanding that your worth is not dependent on your productivity, relationship status, body, income, popularity, or ability to be universally liked.
• 14:05
  Abundance is not everyone choosing you.
• 14:09
  Abundance is you choosing not to abandon yourself when they don't I want you to hear this.
• 14:17
  Your ideas are not too wild because they are wild.
• 14:22
  Your dreams are not too embarrassing because they matter to you.
• 14:26
  Your sensitivity is not a flaw because it makes some people uncomfortable.
• 14:33
  Your truth is not too much simply because it requires more honesty from the room.
• 14:39
  Your life is not meant to be an endless audition for approval.
• 14:43
  You do not need to shape-shift your way into love.
• 14:48
  You do not need to shrink your way into safety.
• 14:51
  You do not need to abandon your deepest self in order to have a beautiful life.
• 14:57
  In fact, the beautiful life may begin the moment you stop I truly feel this entire podcast at the core of who I am, and it actually makes me wanna cry a little bit.
• 15:09
  I wanna offer a little bit of home play, a practice that we can do together.
• 15:15
  It's the self-loyalty experiment.
• 15:19
  So for the next seven days, ask yourself this question: What would self-loyalty look like here?
• 15:27
  Doesn't mean you have to show up perfect.
• 15:29
  It also does not mean you need to blow up your entire life, Although sometimes that does feel nice to think about.
• 15:35
  This is not an invitation to make some dramatic declaration just because you listened to this podcast and now you're feeling empowered and spiritually feral.
• 15:45
  I love a little spiritual wildness, but it's also important to stay grounded.
• 15:51
  I want you to think again, what would self-loyalty look like here?
• 15:57
  I want you to commit to one small act of self-loyalty each day.
• 16:02
  Maybe you say what you actually want for dinner.
• 16:05
  Maybe you stop over-explaining a boundary.
• 16:09
  Maybe you spend 20 minutes on a creative idea that keeps calling you.
• 16:14
  Maybe you tell the truth when someone asks how you are, and it doesn't have to be just,"I'm fine." Maybe you can say,"I'm really working through some things today," or,"Ah, I'm a little quiet," or,"I'm a little neutral today.
• 16:25
  How are you?" Maybe you let yourself rest without earning it first, and rest without any guilt.
• 16:32
  Maybe you wear the outfit, dress up, allow yourself to feel good.
• 16:38
  Maybe you stop chasing a response.
• 16:39
  Maybe you choose not to edit yourself mid-sentence.
• 16:43
  And at the end of each day, I want you to write three things.
• 16:48
  Where did I abandon myself today?
• 16:50
  And be easy on yourself.
• 16:53
  Where did I choose myself today?
• 16:56
  And what is one loving action I can take tomorrow?
• 16:59
  And that's it.
• 17:00
  No shame spiral, no gold star charting, no turning healing into another performance.
• 17:05
  Just honest, compassionate, loving noticing.
• 17:10
  This is repair, and a repair that we can make within ourselves.
• 17:16
  It's a repeated devotion of love and worthiness to yourself.
• 17:23
  Every time you choose self-loyalty, you loosen an anchor, and every time you loosen an anchor, you make room for more abundance.
• 17:33
  Thank you for being here, for being willing to look at that tender place, and for choosing curiosity over judgment.
• 17:41
  This work is not about becoming a different person.
• 17:44
  it is about coming back to the person you were before you learned that love required you to leave yourself and before you started thinking that you were too much.
• 17:54
  You are allowed to take up space.
• 17:57
  I want you to practice allowing yourself to be seen.
• 18:02
  And I want you to practice, too, allowing yourself to want more and being okay with that.
• 18:08
  You are allowed to be loved without becoming less of yourself.
• 18:12
  And most importantly, you are allowed to stay.
• 18:16
  Stay with your dreams.
• 18:17
  Stay with your voice.
• 18:18
  Stay with your truth.
• 18:21
  Stay with yourself.
• 18:23
  Thank you for joining me in this journey of self-remembering, and I'll see you next time on the Spiritual Shit Show podcast