Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1128 - You Find What You're Looking For

Transcript

#1128 - You Find What You're Looking For · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: wants answers. Now.
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  Speaker 1: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson. I'm here with my
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  Speaker 1: wife and mum to our six daughters. Kylie, missus Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families say Hi, Kylie. Hello, Today it's older better Tomorrow
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  Speaker 1: You're so good, I'll do better. Tomorrow is the day
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  Speaker 1: where we analyze the week that was. We try to
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  Speaker 1: work out how we're going with this parenting business, this
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  Speaker 1: parenting thing, and see how we can do better moving forward.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to go first today, Kylie, because mine's Oh
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  Speaker 1: it's one of those ones. Yeah, it's one of those.
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  Speaker 1: I love how you're mocking me already.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not mocking you, right, just feel the heaviness.
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  Speaker 1: Well you got stuck into me. I don't know yesterday,
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  Speaker 1: the day before, maybe it was this morning. I can't remember.
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  Speaker 1: I get confused on what day. Things happen a lot,
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  Speaker 1: but one of our kids is just driving me up.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna say it's our fourteen year old. Fifth
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  Speaker 1: fourteen year old, seriously, like, how many times do we
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  Speaker 1: have to go through this fourteen age gap?
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  Speaker 2: Once more? One after this one?
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  Speaker 1: But we're still in it with child number five, and
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  Speaker 1: I've had a remembrance. I've realized this many times. You know,
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  Speaker 1: when you're looking to buy a new car and you think, oh,
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  Speaker 1: that's a nice car. I haven't seen those around before,
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  Speaker 1: and then you start to see them everywhere. It's like
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  Speaker 1: everyone has bought that car. You think, my goodness, where
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  Speaker 1: were they all? I've only just discovered them because you've
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  Speaker 1: really just started looking at it yourself. It's that whole
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  Speaker 1: you find what you're looking for? Is am I saying
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  Speaker 1: that the right way? Help me out here? You know,
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  Speaker 1: when you spot what you spot, you see now you
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  Speaker 1: find what you're looking for. And the fourteen year old's
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  Speaker 1: just been annoying me ongoingly to the point where I'm
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  Speaker 1: almost pre agitated. If I walk into the room and
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  Speaker 1: I know she's there, I'm already annoyed before she even
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  Speaker 1: does anything. Does that make sense? Do you ever get
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  Speaker 1: that with me?
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  Speaker 2: I remained silent, and so I walked into.
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  Speaker 1: The room the other day. She hadn't done anything, but
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  Speaker 1: that was kind of the issue. She hadn't done anything,
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  Speaker 1: and the room was a mess, and I said, seriously,
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  Speaker 1: and it's amazing how our brains work.
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  Speaker 2: They literally look for proof to validate whatever it is
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  Speaker 2: we're thinking.
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  Speaker 1: And lately, something that's really been on my mind is
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  Speaker 1: just how much I want our daughters to be living
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  Speaker 1: a life like we had when we were kids, which
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  Speaker 1: means no screens, lots of time outside, exploring, time with friends,
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  Speaker 1: lots of freedom, totally different to what the world in
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  Speaker 1: twenty twenty four has been. And I walked to the
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  Speaker 1: room and she was on a screen, and she was
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  Speaker 1: sitting there and it was messy. And the line that
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  Speaker 1: I've actually used more times than I would like to
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  Speaker 1: admit is you're just not a participant in life. I
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  Speaker 1: think I've used that line maybe ten times over the
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  Speaker 1: last couple of weeks. I looked at her. She met
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  Speaker 1: my eyes as her eyes started to light up because
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  Speaker 1: his dad, and he's in my space and maybe I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to get a hug or maybe we're going to
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  Speaker 1: have a nice interaction. I growled at her, and my
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  Speaker 1: eyes went hard, and I said, you are such a
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  Speaker 1: non participant in life. Look at the mess of the
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  Speaker 1: room and you're sitting there on your screen, and it's
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  Speaker 1: whatever time of the morning. It was like it was
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  Speaker 1: well and truly time to be out of your pajamas
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  Speaker 1: and getting on with things, and you're not a participant
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  Speaker 1: in life. And then she said something snarky at me,
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  Speaker 1: and the light from her eyes disappeared, and I retaliated
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  Speaker 1: with something snarkier back because I'm the parent and I
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  Speaker 1: know better and I'm observing this and you're arguing with
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  Speaker 1: me about something that you don't know anything about. And
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  Speaker 1: it kind of escalated from there, and it didn't get
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  Speaker 1: any worse than that, but it was snarky, it was
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  Speaker 1: backwards and fords and I just thought far out. I've
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  Speaker 1: got a PhD in psychology, i write pairing books for
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  Speaker 1: a living, and I've just gone and done this, and
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  Speaker 1: you're in the room next to us. And as I
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  Speaker 1: walked out of that room and walked into the office
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  Speaker 1: so that I could just breathe a little bit and
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  Speaker 1: distract myself and try to recalibrate, you and missus Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families walked into the room and you were not Misshappy Families.
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  Speaker 1: You gave it to me. Do you have any idea
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  Speaker 1: what you say to these girls? Do you know what's
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  Speaker 1: coming out of your mouth? Have you listened to how?
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  Speaker 1: And you gave me the whole correction and direction versus connection,
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  Speaker 1: the bucket spill, you know, the whole thing.
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  Speaker 2: Where I might have asked you how your bucket was looking.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a relationship that you have and it's a bucket,
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  Speaker 1: and the water in the bucket is the connection, and
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  Speaker 1: the air in the bucket is the correction and direction.
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  Speaker 1: And you quite quickly pointed out to me that there
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  Speaker 1: was no water in my relationship bucket with our fort
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  Speaker 1: and year old daughter, whole heap of hot air. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and what's the point of carrying a bucket full of air?
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  Speaker 1: Whether it's no point, I believe you just gave me
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  Speaker 1: the doctor j business. So my older beddit tomorrow? Is
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  Speaker 1: this what you're looking for? You find? And for whatever reason,
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  Speaker 1: over the last week or so, I've had it in
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  Speaker 1: my mind that this kid is not actively participating in life,
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  Speaker 1: and therefore any any sceric of evidence that supports me
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  Speaker 1: I feel obliged to point out to her, to highlight
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  Speaker 1: for her, to demonstrate her inadequacies and incompetencies around it,
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  Speaker 1: as if that's going to motivate her, as if making
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  Speaker 1: her feel worse about things is going to make her
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  Speaker 1: feel better about life or move her into a better space.
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  Speaker 2: The two most damaging words in any relationship. Always and never.
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  Speaker 1: So you should never say never always. Is that what
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  Speaker 1: he's saying when we're looking.
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  Speaker 2: For proof, it's you always do this, well, you never
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  Speaker 2: do that, and the damage that it does to a
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  Speaker 2: relationship because you're always looking for proof to prove your point.
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  Speaker 1: Well, but I didn't say you always or never. I
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  Speaker 1: just said you're not participant in life. Not helpful, not helpful.
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  Speaker 2: After I had a conversation with you, I might have
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  Speaker 2: had a conversation without fourteen year old.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, I don't know about this.
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  Speaker 2: And she said, he always does this and he never
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  Speaker 2: does that. Ah, And I just said to her, I said, well,
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  Speaker 2: I've sat there and I've spoken to dad and I've
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  Speaker 2: told him what needs to happen to make things better.
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  Speaker 2: I said, but it goes both ways. I said, you're
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  Speaker 2: giving me a big long list of all the things
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  Speaker 2: he does wrong, but I think you're missing all of
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  Speaker 2: the good things that exist in your relationship. She went
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  Speaker 2: really quiet, And I think it's just it's really important
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  Speaker 2: for us. Whether it's a parent child relationship, or partnered
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  Speaker 2: a relationship, or even just a friendship, we can always
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  Speaker 2: find something to grumble about. But we miss the richness
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  Speaker 2: of relationships if that's all we see.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, as you were saying that, I remember my favorite
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  Speaker 1: story of all time when it comes to parenting, and
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  Speaker 1: it's not a parenting story at all. It's the one
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  Speaker 1: about the young man who hears about the gold rush
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  Speaker 1: and races out, gets his pans, sits down by the
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  Speaker 1: river and starts panning for gold. And all he finds
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  Speaker 1: is these rocks every now and again or cracker rock
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  Speaker 1: open and see some gold flexing them. But he's certainly
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  Speaker 1: not getting the nuggets that he's hearing about everyone else finding.
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  Speaker 1: As he's packing up and getting ready to go home, destitute, despondent,
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  Speaker 1: and looking like he's going to have to move back
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  Speaker 1: in with the parents while he tries to re establish
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  Speaker 1: himself in life, a wealthy prospector walks past and points
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  Speaker 1: out the pile of rocks, comments on how big it is,
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  Speaker 1: and when the young man scoffs and says, I came
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  Speaker 1: here looking for gold and there is none, the prospector
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  Speaker 1: picks up one of those rocks, cracks it open, and
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  Speaker 1: points to the gold flex. The young man says, I
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  Speaker 1: don't want gold flex, I want nuggets like you've got
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  Speaker 1: in your pouch. And the prospect is wearing a pouch
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  Speaker 1: bulging with gold on his waist. And the prospector opens
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  Speaker 1: the top of the pouch and the young man looks
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  Speaker 1: in only to see to discover that there are no
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  Speaker 1: nuggets in there. It's just thousands and thousands of tiny
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  Speaker 1: flecks of gold. The prospector says to the young man, son,
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  Speaker 1: it's the steady accumulation of these flecks of gold that
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  Speaker 1: has made me wealthy. In family life, it is dirty,
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  Speaker 1: and it's rocky, and it's messy, and our fourteen year
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  Speaker 1: olds have attitude, and sometimes they don't participate in life enough.
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  Speaker 1: And the more you pointed out, the more of it
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  Speaker 1: you'll see, and the more of it will come up
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  Speaker 1: in your life. But what I discovered after you had
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  Speaker 1: that stern talking to with me is that that kid's
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  Speaker 1: actually a real delight. And I spent some time with her,
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  Speaker 1: and it was so much fun. We laughed and we played,
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  Speaker 1: and we hugged and we wrestled and we talked, and
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  Speaker 1: I just saw those gold flecks. In fact, I reckon
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  Speaker 1: there was a nugget or two floating down that river
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  Speaker 1: of the relationship of our life, and it felt really good.
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  Speaker 1: So my older bed tomorrow is really simple. Whatever you
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  Speaker 1: look for is what you'll find. Oh that's what I
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  Speaker 1: was trying to say at the start. Whatever you look
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  Speaker 1: for is what you'll find. And as you look for
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  Speaker 1: the gold flex, you'll find that the river of your
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  Speaker 1: relationship with your children is literally teeming with them. That's
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  Speaker 1: my older bed tomorrow. This is happy family. How's that
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  Speaker 1: for inspiration? What's yours?
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  Speaker 2: So a couple of weeks ago, you and I attended
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  Speaker 2: the charity event for Fathers of All.
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  Speaker 1: Girls, Fathers of Girls, That's.
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  Speaker 2: Right, and I shared the speech that I gave on
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  Speaker 2: the podcast.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we got some gorgeous feedback. I shared it
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  Speaker 1: on Facebook, like people are literally saying, I listened to
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  Speaker 1: that episode and cried in my car. I needed a
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  Speaker 1: content warning or a tissue warning or something. I nearly
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  Speaker 1: had a crash.
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  Speaker 2: But the most important thing that came out of that
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  Speaker 2: process was just this acknowledgment that our kids are desperate
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  Speaker 2: for time with us. And so over the last few
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  Speaker 2: weeks since that, I've been really trying hard. And the
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  Speaker 2: challenge I have, as lots of parents have, is the
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  Speaker 2: more children you have, the harder it is to split
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  Speaker 2: yourself between each of them. We've got a married daughter
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  Speaker 2: who's desperate for my time, and then we've got a
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  Speaker 2: child who's overseas who rings us at all kinds of
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  Speaker 2: crazy hours because she's desperate for our time. And then
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  Speaker 2: we've got another daughter who's you know, working and trying
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  Speaker 2: to kind of sort things out, and she's desperate for
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  Speaker 2: our time. And then I've got these three little girls
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  Speaker 2: who are at home who are desperate for my time.
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  Speaker 2: And it's really hard sometimes to juggle at.
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  Speaker 1: Home and you've forgot one you you're.
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  Speaker 2: Desperate for my time, and it's really hard sometimes to
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  Speaker 2: juggle it. But having shared those thoughts with all of
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  Speaker 2: those men a few weeks back, it really just reiterated
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  Speaker 2: to me that's how important it is for us to
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  Speaker 2: make the effort to be intentional about that time. And
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  Speaker 2: so over the last few weeks, I've really been intentional
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  Speaker 2: about making time to go and spend with our children,
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  Speaker 2: just to walk along the beach, go get an ice
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  Speaker 2: cream cone, a swim in the pool when it's pouring
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  Speaker 2: with rain. Just spending some one on one time with
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  Speaker 2: each of our children makes such a difference to the
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  Speaker 2: way they see the world. I honestly think it alters
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  Speaker 2: the way they see their world when we make an
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  Speaker 2: effort to spend time with them.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, kids spell love t IM.
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  Speaker 2: That's me.
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  Speaker 1: That's it really simple. It's a regular reminder that we
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  Speaker 1: share on the podcast, and yet it's one of those
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  Speaker 1: things that you kind of can't hear it enough because
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  Speaker 1: we get so caught up with so much other stuff,
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  Speaker 1: especially at the.
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  Speaker 2: End of the I mean, we're coming to the end
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  Speaker 2: of the year. This is Crazyville time. Everybody feels more
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  Speaker 2: stretched than ever and our kids can literally be forgotten
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  Speaker 2: in the process because it's just so much. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Well there's some inspiration. Kids fell love t I m E.
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  Speaker 1: And you find what you're looking for. Hopefully that will
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  Speaker 1: help you to have a better weekend with your kids.
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  Speaker 1: Hope that you can do better tomorrow. The Happy Families
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  Speaker 1: podcast is produced by Justin ruland from Bridge Media. More
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: information about making your family happier is available on our
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: social media pages, but especially at Happy families dot com,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: dot a U