Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why do you keep going back to Narcissists?

Transcript

Why do you keep going back to Narcissists? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful folks?
• 0:03
  Today we're going to be talking about why you keep going back to
• 0:07
  a narcissist or toxic person. Like why don't you keep going
• 0:10
  back into the toxicity even when you know physically, logically
• 0:14
  that it's not a good thing. That is wrong.
• 0:16
  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
• 0:17
  I'm a self aware narcissist and welcome to another episode of
• 0:20
  The Narcissist. Welcome back, folks, welcome
• 0:40
  back, welcome back. Yes, yes, yes, trying a new
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  camera set up. Y'all, so bear with me with a
• 0:44
  few minutes. Oh, there you go.
• 0:45
  It's fine. I'm doing this in 4K on stream
• 0:48
  yard with a different little different set up today.
• 0:51
  But yes, why do you keep going back to a narcissist?
• 0:54
  Like when it, when it, you know logically, it doesn't make
• 0:58
  sense, right? You know that this person has
• 1:00
  done you wrong. You know that this person is not
• 1:03
  right for you. You know that this person is
• 1:04
  probably the worst choice that you can make when it comes to
• 1:07
  healing, when it comes to growing, when it comes to trying
• 1:09
  to thrive and survive in any type of you know, any type of
• 1:13
  environment or whatnot. You understand that you get it
• 1:15
  right. You know it logically.
• 1:17
  Your logical brain is just like this person is abusive.
• 1:21
  This person is a liar. This person is a cheater.
• 1:24
  Your logical brain says that type of stuff, right?
• 1:27
  So you understand it, you get it on a from a logical standpoint,
• 1:30
  it makes sense to you, right? But emotionally it doesn't Emo
• 1:36
  yo. Like your logical brain and your
• 1:38
  emotional brain are on two different wavelengths.
• 1:40
  Your logical brain is like standing on business.
• 1:43
  Your logical brain says this doesn't make any damn sense.
• 1:47
  This person is a liar. They're a cheater.
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  They're abusive as hell. Physically, mentally,
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  emotionally, they've done everything possible in their
• 1:53
  life to ruin my life, right? They've done everything wrong.
• 1:57
  They just have. They just didn't have done
• 2:00
  everything wrong. Seriously, they've done every
• 2:03
  single thing wrong but your emotional brain.
• 2:05
  But like, but I love them. What if I what if I'm
• 2:07
  overreacting to the cheating? What if I'm overreacting to the
• 2:10
  STD or the STI? What if I'm overreacting to them
• 2:13
  having a baby with somebody else or being pregnant by somebody
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  else? What if I'm overreacting?
• 2:16
  You're not. That's The thing is you have to
• 2:20
  learn how to accept right there that you're not overreacting.
• 2:23
  You're not, you're being real, you're being true, you're being
• 2:25
  who you need to be in the situation right here, right?
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  You're doing exactly what you need to be doing.
• 2:30
  And that's hard for so many people to reconcile, right?
• 2:33
  It just is. It's one of those things that's
• 2:35
  hard for people to reconcile emotionally and mentally.
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  It's the the pain that it's like logically, you know, you should
• 2:41
  be, shouldn't be there, but emotionally, the pain that you
• 2:44
  feel when you're not with this person is damn near unbearable.
• 2:47
  The trauma bond kicks in. Yeah, I'm talking about the
• 2:49
  trauma bond. But we're going to talk about it
• 2:50
  on a different level. We might, we might not even say
• 2:52
  the words trauma bond anymore. Just try to put in a different
• 2:55
  space. It hurts so bad to leave this
• 2:57
  person, right? It's caused you so much
• 3:01
  internal, external pain, right? You're like, you can't eat, you
• 3:06
  can't sleep. Every second of the day you're
• 3:08
  thinking about this person. It hurts so damn bad.
• 3:12
  You're like in the withdrawal pot, like you're getting off of
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  drugs. You're shaking, you're cold.
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  You like Dewey Cox. You know, I need more blankets.
• 3:19
  I need less blankets. You know what I mean?
• 3:21
  It's hard to reconcile, but it's hard to understand it if you're
• 3:24
  not. Like I said, when you're doing
• 3:25
  it, when you like going through it, the pain hurts so bad.
• 3:29
  And guess what the quickest way to get rid of the pain is?
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  What's the shortcut to? What's the shortcut to feeling
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  better? Going back?
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  That's a shortcut. It's a shortcut to feeling
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  better is going back, isn't it? You want the pain to stop, Go
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  back. Even though the person who has
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  caused you the most pain in your life is the person that makes
• 3:45
  you feel the best. That's why you keep going back,
• 3:48
  because it's it's a shortcut. You cannot take the shortcut to
• 3:52
  healing. You just cannot do that.
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  Doesn't work that way out. It really doesn't work the way
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  you can try to. You can try to take the
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  shortcut, but we know what happens when you take the
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  shortcut. When you taking a shortcut to
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  healing, you end up hurting even more hurt.
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  A lot of times, right when you try to take the shortcuts, you
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  end up more hurt. You're in a in more pain because
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  you go back to this person that you really don't even really
• 4:14
  love anymore. You go back to them because it
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  helps you to it helps to quell the pain.
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  It helps to quell the quell the hurt.
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  It helps to feel a different. It helps feel that you feel
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  different in this space right here, right?
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  That's why you go back. That's why I tell people like, I
• 4:30
  get it. A lot of people get it.
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  We understand. We definitely get it.
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  A lot of people, we get it because you have to push through
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  the pain in order to stay away. You have to.
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  Or it hurts so bad when I leave. Yeah, it hurts your back when
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  you go back. You might feel good for a little
• 4:45
  while. You might sleep with them.
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  You might laugh and tell a little joke here and there.
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  They might be on their best behavior for a couple of hours,
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  a couple of days, a couple weeks, and then guess what?
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  Bam, they're right back to being the same toxic, narcissistic
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  bastard as they was. They made you leave in the 1st
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  place and now you, Now you're hurting again because now you
• 5:01
  know you have to leave again. And what happens?
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  You're afraid to leave again because you know the pain that
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  waits outside that door. You know the pain is outside
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  that door right there. The pain as soon as you open
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  this door to leave or they kick you out, they throw you out.
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  The pain is outside the door, like sitting in the car.
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  You ever seen it, Dave, Dave Chappelle Show when he was just
• 5:19
  like Prince and he was doing like this with the dreads.
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  He was like, that's how it is. That pain is outside the door
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  just like that waiting on you. Pain is waiting on you.
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  It is the suffering is waiting on you.
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  But guess what? It's.
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  Yeah, if you let your logical brain understand this right
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  here, that the pain is temporary, temporary is, hey,
• 5:41
  there's no, when I say temporary, you know what I mean?
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  It's like a hint, like there's a difference between like henna.
• 5:47
  Henna tattoos are temporary, right?
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  But so all those little stick on that you get, you can get
• 5:50
  whipped with your tongue. Those tattoos are temporary as
• 5:53
  well. They last different times, don't
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  they? They do last different times.
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  That's why I tell people like temporary has different time.
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  Yeah, I'm not laughing at y'all problems, but temporary has
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  different time zones, like different like lengths of
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  different, different levels of longevity, like a hint of
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  tattoos that is going to last way longer than one of those
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  tattoos you get from the bubble gum machine.
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  It just is. But the healing, it happens,
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  it's temporary. You have to take let your
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  logical brain understand this pain that I'm feeling in this
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  emotional pain is temporary because a lot of times your
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  emotional brain is beating down the logic.
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  It's beating down the logic. The logic is like, let's fight,
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  let's hold on, we got a little bit longer.
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  The emotional brain like, no, I want to feel good.
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  Get down there. I want to feel good right now.
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  Hey, XI, know I've been no contact with you because I come
• 6:40
  over there and we can clap some cheeks, please.
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  I'm hurting. I miss you so much.
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  And guess what happens when you go back to an abuser that hasn't
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  apologized, that hasn't changed their behaviors, that hasn't
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  done anything differently. They're just going to continue
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  to abuse because now, now more than ever, they think it's OK.
• 6:57
  Why would? Yeah, Why wouldn't they think
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  it's OK? Let me say it like that.
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  Why wouldn't they think that it's OK if you keep coming back
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  to me? If it's that bad, you would stay
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  away, right? Doesn't it make sense that if
• 7:08
  it's that bad, you would stay away, but you keep coming back.
• 7:10
  So it can't be that bad, right? It can't be that bad, right?
• 7:17
  That's the mind of an artist like well, you keep coming back.
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  It cannot be. It cannot be that bad because
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  you keep coming back. How is it bad?
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  But you were here. Stop lying.
• 7:27
  Stop misrepresenting how I'm treating you.
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  Stop doing it. How is it bad?
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  But how is it bad But you keep coming back because I love you.
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  Well, love don't cause the thing.
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  And love is not supposed to hurt y'all.
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  Love is not supposed to make you feel this way.
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  Let's keep it hot. It just isn't.
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  It's one of the love is not supposed to make you feel like a
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  piece of crap. OK, Good.
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  It just isn't. That's why I be rooting.
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  Yeah, I'm. I'm repeating myself.
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  I've been rooting for y'all. I do.
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  I want y'all to win. You keep going, you keep going
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  back because you think. You keep telling yourself this
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  person is going to change your emotional brain.
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  Like when you when logic is, when you are standing firm on
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  your logic and your emotional brain is telling you that
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  something is different. When your heart and your mind
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  are not in alignment, your heart will get you hurt so many times.
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  Your heart will lead you down a pathway cause your emotional
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  logical brain, your, your, your thinking brain, your brain has
• 8:27
  like this. Let's talk about it on a
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  physical level, like a real physical level right here,
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  right? Your brain, my brain is in, is
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  in my head is in my skull. My brain is so my brain is close
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  to I said my brain is close. It has the access to my eyes.
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  It's the access to my ears, my nose, my mouth, and it can
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  touch. I can access to the touch as
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  well, right? My brain has access to all of
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  that stuff. So it's processing information.
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  Where's my heart at? My heart is in my chest.
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  My heart is blind. They want to say love is blind.
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  Your heart is in your chest. You can't see.
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  You can't see nothing. You can't see anything but the
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  chest. It can only feel.
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  Your heart can only feel. So between seeing and feeling,
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  between understanding and having access to your, your, your 5
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  senses and just being able to feel.
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  Come on. That's why feeling is not a
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  sense. What's the five senses?
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  You mean what's the. I've been out of school for a
• 9:23
  while. I was thinking about going.
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  Yeah, I'm actually thinking about going back to school and
• 9:28
  getting my master's degree in actually psychology and trying
• 9:31
  to be a therapist. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
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  Let's look at the, the five senses Smell.
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  I, I just, I listened to them out when I was talking with her.
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  Smell, sight, hearing, taste, touch.
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  Where's feeling it? Where's feels?
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  Where's feelings? Feelings is not on this list,
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  right? Feelings is not on here at all.
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  So feelings is not a sense. Trust your 5 senses.
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  But you got to put that look. You can feel.
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  It's OK to feel, but you have to let lessen the blow.
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  Every day it will get better. Bully.
• 10:00
  I keep thinking about them every single day.
• 10:02
  Every day will get better. You have to tell yourself the
• 10:05
  truth. You have to find a good support
• 10:06
  system. That's why I run my support
• 10:08
  group. Y'all, my support group called
• 10:10
  the mental healers. There's a lot of people in there
• 10:12
  that feel the same way that you feel.
• 10:13
  But when they start, when they get when they get overwhelmed,
• 10:16
  they come drop a note in the group.
• 10:17
  Hey, I'm feeling this way. People and people e-mail me.
• 10:21
  They e-mail me, they say, hey Lee, this is what's going on.
• 10:23
  Here's a screenshot. Can you tell me what this going,
• 10:24
  what this means? I got you.
• 10:26
  That's what the mental healers is for.
• 10:28
  You can find everything mentalillness.net, my events, my
• 10:31
  courses, my groups, everything is a mental illness.net but
• 10:34
  straight to the courses and the groups is
• 10:35
  courses.mentalillness.net. But everything is on there
• 10:38
  y'all. But I'd say I'd be rooting for
• 10:41
  y'all. I've been trying to help so many
• 10:44
  people get out of this toxicity and survive and not be held down
• 10:48
  by the ties that bind. I'd be wanting y'all to win.
• 10:51
  Yes, the pain is going. It's going to hurt y'all.
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  Let's be let's keep it real. It be let's use the light, let's
• 10:55
  be logical together right now. It's going to hurt.
• 11:00
  It's going to hurt. Leaving hurts, staying hurts,
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  but guess what? Guess which hurt goes away
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  faster? Guess what guess not faster.
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  Guess which hurt goes away and can stay away.
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  When you leave, you have the you have the ability that you have
• 11:15
  the chances to do that right there.
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  You see what I'm saying? You have the chance to when you
• 11:19
  leave, you have the chance to heal.
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  You have the chance to get better.
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  You have the chance to thrive through it.
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  When you go back that chance, those chances go out the damn
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  door. You see what I'm saying?
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  Those chances go out the door. When you go back to your toxic
• 11:32
  narcissistic ex, you're leaving logic in the car, you're leaving
• 11:35
  logic at their at your house. You're leaving logic at your
• 11:37
  friend's house. Where you leaving logic and your
• 11:39
  support system. Yeah, your support system can
• 11:42
  only be so strong for you have to be strong because every time
• 11:45
  you go back, they feel bad. They might feel like, let's be,
• 11:47
  let's be real, your support system in your real life.
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  When you keep telling them what you going through, you keep
• 11:51
  telling them about the abuse. You keep telling them about the
• 11:53
  stuff that you survive and the stuff that you're thriving
• 11:55
  through, sooner or later your support system is going to turn
• 11:58
  on you. They they, they might get tired
• 11:59
  of it. Like, look, we tired of hearing
• 12:00
  about this dude. We tired of hearing about this
• 12:02
  girl. Leave them alone.
• 12:02
  We tired of hearing about them. We don't want to hear it no
• 12:06
  more. And then you can start losing
• 12:08
  your support system and they're going to start flaking on you.
• 12:10
  They're going to stop being there for you, going to lose
• 12:11
  your support system. Guess what?
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  That's what all you're going to have is this toxic, narcissistic
• 12:15
  bastard to ruin your life. They get tired.
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  Yeah, people are allowed to get tired.
• 12:21
  Your support system, your friends and family, they are
• 12:23
  allowed to set boundaries with you as well.
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  And you, I know you felt like, well, they're turning on me.
• 12:27
  No, they're not turning on you. They are tired.
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  They are tired too. They might be having a good day.
• 12:33
  Then guess what? You call and just say, oh look,
• 12:35
  I just went back and it's happening again.
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  You just ruined their day. You see what I'm saying?
• 12:39
  I'm not telling you to not call your peoples.
• 12:41
  I'm just telling you that sooner or later you have to be
• 12:44
  stronger. The more you go back, the less
• 12:46
  people believe in you. You see what I'm saying?
• 12:47
  I know it takes a survivor an average of seven times to leave
• 12:50
  for good, but let's see, let's get the average down because it
• 12:54
  could be one time. You were saying that an average
• 12:56
  is or an average is or is an average is an average.
• 12:59
  I don't even know how the definition of an average.
• 13:02
  It's like the middle, the middle number, but that's the median.
• 13:05
  You can have a person that leaves one time and be gone for
• 13:07
  good, or you can have somebody that leaves 13 * 13 + 114 / 2
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  seven. That's an average of seven right
• 13:14
  there, right? It's a horrible sample size, but
• 13:15
  that's an average of seven, is it?
• 13:18
  It's a average of 7, isn't it? But that's why I'm just telling
• 13:21
  y'all, it's going to hurt. We got to stop taking the
• 13:23
  shortcuts. We a lot of times when people
• 13:25
  get lost in the woods, that's because they take shortcuts that
• 13:28
  they take, they take the unmapped shortcut.
• 13:31
  So stop taking the unmapped shortcut to healing.
• 13:34
  You have to go down the road. You have to feel it.
• 13:36
  Your feelings are real. We get it.
• 13:37
  We understand it. You know what I'm saying?
• 13:39
  That's why you, when I say your support system might get tired
• 13:42
  and turn on you. That happens because they don't
• 13:44
  understand what you're going through.
• 13:45
  So many of them, just like they might start looking at you like
• 13:47
  you're dumb, like damn, you got it.
• 13:48
  You're just dumb. We just can't tell you nothing
• 13:50
  else, right? They might tell you that to your
• 13:51
  face, but my support group, they don't tell you that because
• 13:54
  they're going through the same thing is people is people going
• 13:57
  through similar things, rooting each other on.
• 14:00
  That's what it is. Your brother and sister, your
• 14:02
  mommy, your daddy, they might not understand that.
• 14:04
  Your best friend, they might not understand it, but the people in
• 14:06
  my group, they do. I'm in the group.
• 14:09
  I definitely understand it. Anyways y'all, no more
• 14:12
  shortcuts, shut cuts, no more shortcuts.
• 14:16
  It's going to hurt. We're not going to dull the
• 14:18
  pain. We're going to feel it.
• 14:19
  Feel it once you feel it and understand the pain.
• 14:21
  Unless you know you're alive. Were you in that relationship?
• 14:24
  It's like you're damn near dead. You're emotionally dead.
• 14:26
  The pain you feel when you leave that unless you know you're
• 14:28
  alive, they'll just let you know that as soon as you breakthrough
• 14:31
  this pain, you're going to feel better than ever.
• 14:33
  You have a like your life is worth living and they don't.
• 14:36
  They don't deserve another damn second of it, but I can say that
• 14:39
  all I want to. You have to believe it and you
• 14:40
  have to be the one to take action y'all.
• 14:42
  Anyway, y'all, I know how to ramble on a little bit longer.
• 14:45
  I got passionate. Y'all know what I get when I get
• 14:46
  that passion? I can't stop it.
• 14:48
  I cannot stop it. But like I said, Dallas, TX,
• 14:51
  we're coming your way November the 2nd.
• 14:54
  Sign up for the newsletter to get notified for the
• 14:55
  registration link and things like that.
• 14:57
  The newsletter, Everything else you can find at
• 14:59
  mentalillness.net. Me and NIA Renee, we killed
• 15:01
  Washington, we killed DC couple weekends ago and in about six
• 15:06
  weeks we'll be in, we'll be in Dallas, maybe Houston too.
• 15:10
  We're working on Houston as well, y'all.
• 15:12
  Anyways, y'all, be safe, take care of yourselves and always
• 15:16
  thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
• 15:18
  I am extremely grateful for you. Have no idea.
• 15:20
  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
• 15:22
  to the channel. Help us reach more people and
• 15:24
  click on the screen to watch another video or to browse
• 15:26
  through another playlist. There's also a link on the
• 15:28
  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
• 15:31
  you heal and understand what you've been through.
• 15:33
  Thank you so much again. I will see you in the next
• 15:35
  video.