Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / The Invisible Tax Of Mentorship Advice
Transcript
- Lucas: I want to start with a story about a friend of mine, let’s call him David, who is a senior product manager at a mid-sized fintech company based in Austin. He came to me last month feeling completely stuck, not because he lacked opportunities, but because he felt like his voice had been erased by the very people trying to help him. Luna: That sounds frustrating. Did he have a bad relationship with his boss, or was it specifically about the mentors outside his direct team? Lucas: It was both, actually, but the external mentors were the bigger issue. David has three formal mentors now. One is a VP at a competitor, one is a former colleague who moved into consulting, and one is an executive coach he hired himself. Each of them gives him excellent, detailed advice on how to run meetings, how to structure emails, and even how to phrase his weekly updates to leadership. Luna: So he’s getting great input, but maybe losing his own style in the process? Lucas: Exactly. And here is the twist: when I asked him what he did last week to solve a major stakeholder conflict, he couldn’t remember the core of his own argument. He started reciting a three-step framework that his executive coach had taught him. He wasn’t thinking; he was performing. Luna: Wow. That is a dangerous place to be. It’s like he outsourced his brain to three different people simultaneously. Lucas: Right. And this isn’t just David. I see this pattern constantly among high-potential employees in their late twenties and early thirties. They treat mentorship like a subscription service for confidence. They pay with their time, they pay with their ego, and eventually, they pay with their agency. Luna: So the lesson is to have fewer mentors? Or just be more selective about who you listen to? Lucas: It’s deeper than selectivity. It’s about the type of advice being given. There is a massive difference between coaching that builds your muscle memory and consulting that solves the problem for you. Most mentors don’t realize they are slipping into consultant mode because it feels good to fix things. Lucas: Let’s go back to David. The critical moment happened during a quarterly planning session. A key stakeholder pushed back hard on his roadmap. Instead of pausing to think, David immediately pulled out the email template his VP mentor had sent him two weeks prior. He copied and pasted the opening paragraph, adjusted the dates, and hit send. Luna: Did it work? Or did it fall flat because it didn’t match his actual relationship with that stakeholder? Lucas: It fell flat. The stakeholder replied, asking why David was using such formal language when they usually joke around. David panicked. He then forwarded the thread to his executive coach, who told him to apologize and send a more casual follow-up. By the time the dust settled, David had spent forty minutes managing the fallout instead of solving the original problem. Luna: That is exhausting. He’s essentially running on autopilot, and the autopilot keeps crashing because it doesn’t know the terrain. Lucas: Precisely. This is what I call the 'Advisory Loop.' The more you rely on external frameworks for internal decisions, the less you trust your own judgment. And ironically, the people giving you advice often benefit from this loop because it makes them feel indispensable. Luna: Do mentors do that on purpose? Or are they just trained to solve problems? Lucas: Usually, it’s unintentional. Most successful professionals were promoted because they are good problem solvers. When they see someone else struggling, their instinct is to hand over the tool that worked for them. They forget that the tool only works if you understand the mechanics of how to use it yourself. Luna: So the mentor is giving David a fish, but David needs to learn how to fish. But maybe he’s so hungry he just eats the fish and forgets the ocean. Lucas: That is a perfect analogy. And the tragedy is that David thinks he is learning. He sees the templates, the scripts, and the frameworks as evidence of growth. He doesn’t realize that he is becoming a curator of other people’s ideas rather than an originator of his own. Luna: This reminds me of the concept of 'analysis paralysis' but inverted. It’s 'solution paralysis.' You have so many solutions available that you can’t choose one. Lucas: Yes. And in the modern workplace, especially with remote work, we are increasingly disconnected from the context of our decisions. We lack the non-verbal cues, the office gossip, the shared history. So we turn to mentors to fill in those blanks. We ask them not just for strategy, but for social calibration. Luna: That’s a heavy lift for a mentor. To tell you not just what to do, but how to fit in socially? Lucas: It is. And when they do, they often impose their own social norms. If David’s VP mentor values aggressive negotiation, David might start acting aggressively, even though his natural style is collaborative. He starts misaligning with his team because he is wearing a mask prescribed by someone who doesn’t work there anymore. Luna: That must cause friction. How does the team react when their manager suddenly changes personality? Lucas: They notice. People are incredibly sensitive to authenticity. When a leader starts sounding like a LinkedIn influencer or quoting a consultant’s playbook verbatim, the team loses trust. They wonder if David is listening to them, or if he’s just waiting for the next prompt from his mentor. Luna: So the cost isn’t just personal stress. It’s professional reputation. He’s trading credibility for competence. Lucas: Exactly. Competence is knowing how to do the task. Credibility is trusting that you know you’re doing it. David has the first one, but he’s losing the second. And in leadership, credibility is worth ten times more than competence. Luna: So how do we break this loop? Do we tell people to stop seeking advice entirely? Lucas: No, that would be absurd. Advice is vital. The key is changing the format of the interaction. We need to move from 'directive mentoring' to 'Socratic mentoring.' Instead of giving answers, the mentor should ask questions that force the mentee to articulate their own reasoning. Luna: That shifts the burden of thought back to the employee. It’s harder for the mentor, too. It’s easier to just give the answer. Lucas: It is. But if the mentor asks, 'What do you think the stakeholder’s underlying concern is?' instead of 'Tell them this,' David has to engage his own empathy muscles. He has to sit with the discomfort of not knowing. Luna: That discomfort is where the growth happens. It’s the gap between the template and the reality. Lucas: Right. And here is a practical tip for listeners: audit your last three mentor conversations. Write down exactly what your mentor said. If more than half of the sentences were declarative statements—advice, instructions, corrections—you are in directive mode. You need to push back. Luna: Push back? Isn’t that risky? What if the mentor gets offended? Lucas: A good mentor will appreciate it. You can say, 'I love this insight. Before I implement it, can you walk me through how you arrived at this conclusion? I want to make sure I’m applying the logic, not just the result.' This forces the mentor to explain their framework, which you can then adapt to your own style. Luna: That’s brilliant. It turns the advice into data that you process, rather than a command you obey. Lucas: Exactly. You become the editor of your own career, not just the writer. You take the raw material from your mentors and you edit it to fit your voice. If you don’t edit, you’re just reading aloud from someone else’s script. Luna: And that script is probably outdated anyway. Context changes fast. Lucas: It does. Especially in technology and finance. The playbook from five years ago doesn’t apply today. If you are following a rigid framework, you are already behind. You need agility, and agility comes from trusting your own instincts. Luna: But how do you build those instincts if you’re new to the role? You can’t just guess. Lucas: You build them through small, low-stakes decisions. Start using your own judgment on minor issues. Send the email in your own words. Run the meeting with your own agenda. See what happens. The feedback will teach you faster than any mentor’s template ever could. Luna: Fail safely. Learn the rhythm of your own voice before you try to sing someone else’s song. Lucas: That’s it. And if you mess up, you learn from the mistake. If you follow the template and it fails, you don’t know whose fault it is. Was the template wrong? Or did you execute it poorly? Ambiguity breeds anxiety. Clarity breeds confidence. Luna: So the goal isn’t to avoid mentors. It’s to use them as mirrors, not maps. Mirrors show you who you are. Maps show you where others have been. Lucas: Perfect distinction. Use the mirror to refine your identity. Use the map only to check the terrain. Don’t let the map dictate your destination. Luna: David still has his three mentors. Has he changed anything yet? Lucas: He has. He started ending every session with a question: 'What is one thing I should figure out on my own next time?' It’s awkward for them at first. They want to keep fixing things. But slowly, they’ve started pulling back. And David is starting to sound like himself again. Luna: That’s a win. It’s quiet, but it’s real. Lucas: It is. And that’s the kind of career growth that doesn’t make headlines, but it sustains you for decades. Not by adding more voices to your head, but by clearing the room so you can hear your own. Luna: Here is a question for you, Lucas: do you think companies are incentivizing this behavior? Do they want leaders who think independently, or leaders who can replicate success across teams? Lucas: That’s a fair challenge. On paper, they want independent thinkers. In practice, they want replicable processes. Standardization reduces risk. If every manager uses the same email template, the brand voice stays consistent. But consistency is not the same as effectiveness. And it certainly isn’t the same as innovation. Luna: So we’re trading long-term agility for short-term predictability. Lucas: We are. And in a market that is shifting this fast, as we see heading into late twenty twenty six, predictability is a liability. Agility is the only currency that matters. But building that agility requires individuals to take ownership of their own development, not just outsource it. Luna: It puts the ball back in the player’s court. Which can be scary. Lucas: It is. But it’s also the only way to play the game for real. So, Luna, if you were advising a junior employee right now, would you give them the template, or would you ask them to write the email? Luna: I’d ask them to write it first. Then I’d read it and ask, 'What were you trying to achieve here?' If they can articulate the intent, I’ll help them polish the delivery. But I won’t write it for them. Lucas: That’s the standard. And it’s harder work, but it pays better dividends. Because when that junior employee eventually becomes a leader, they won’t be confused. They’ll be clear. Luna: Clearer than anyone holding a script. Lucas: Exactly. And that clarity is what separates the managers who last from the ones who burn out.