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Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the Just -The Poison of Flattery and the Pursuit of Truth 5.5.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Here why one of the main ways a person can have a detraction
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  from removal from humility is having yes men that people who
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  the word he uses people mechanism people who praise him
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  all the time and they make him into a big deal.
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  They tell him how great he is. Why?
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  Because that feeds right into the arrogance and does not allow
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  you to be a real person to know really what you're holding.
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  So he's like this. Sometimes people praise
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  literally is our works. Sometimes people are literally
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  the opposite of being praised. You could have this is a very
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  common thing. I don't know why this is.
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  You could have a mean guy who people like to praise that he's
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  nice. You know, you always imagine
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  like that, that the evil dictator who has people around
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  him who he's not nervous if he's not sure if he's being a bad
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  person, a nuclear person and he's like in the movies,
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  whatever. And it's people are telling him,
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  oh, you sorry you're so nice. Sorry you're so caring.
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  He said beside the same says that's a normal thing when you
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  allow flattery to be part of your world, they praise you,
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  they build you up and sometimes literally to the opposite of
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  your strengths. That's how far it goes.
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  So you have no clue to truth. Viennese sobs.
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  So and the reality is da da Adam Kala, people's minds are light.
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  People's minds are simple. So therefore they will fall for
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  this sketch. It's very common for people to
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  fall for this sketch between all Kalash and his nature is weak
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  with Pattaya Binakaya and he can be at peace very easily.
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  So you can have a guy who knows the truth, he knows that he
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  messed up, he knows that he's not doing great, but just
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  because of the fact that he has a few people telling him be
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  doing great, Sir, you're amazing.
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  That allows his simple mind, because our minds are not really
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  dumb, but our minds are open to feeling good.
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  We all want to feel good. So if I have an easy good feel,
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  which is someone telling me I'm good, that allows me to continue
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  on my merry way, not changing a single thing because hey, they
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  say I'm good, I must be good, I must be great.
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  If they say it was great, it must be great.
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  I'm going to move on. Flattery is the essence of fake.
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  Flattery feeds into a fake persona.
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  Now, Flower does not need to be a lie, but it does need to be.
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  It needs to pile on on the positive whether it exists or
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  doesn't exist. Could be a lie, could not be a
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  lie. Either way it's creating a lie.
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  The lie is me living with this belief that I am doing
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  everything correct and therefore I do not need to work on
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  anything and therefore I'm not going to be humble.
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  It's dangerous characteristic. It's just as.
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  One of the people, one of the groups who are, do not have a,
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  one of the groups who are not including Allahabad groups are
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  caught. The group of Hamachi Muhifem
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  Mahanaphim, people who flatter all day long.
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  They don't make it to a llama, but that's shocking.
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  That doesn't mean that they they lie.
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  Exactly. Those people, those people are
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  constantly whatever you call them, There's a lot of different
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  words for these type of people. The people who you know, they go
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  with it and say, oh, you're amazing, you're unbelievable.
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  And they're doing it to make other people feel good at once.
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  But if they do it to pump other people up and that's the way of
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  getting ahead, that is considered and they do it as a
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  norm. They're part of the cop, the
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  group. And like, it's a wild thing.
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  They're not sinners. They're not people do terrible
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  things. They're not relying on a shin.
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  They don't like them to the people.
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  Exactly. So what happens?
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  When a wealthy guy goes into a shul right and they come and
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  they put him sit next to the rabbi over.
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  There. OK, so these things are very,
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  very complicated. You always have the out that the
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  Gemara tells us to respect wealthy people.
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  You always have that out. But you got to still be very,
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  very careful. Sure.
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  Be very careful not to overdo it.
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  Absolutely correct. Right, you could see them, but
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  you don't have to go and make a whole.
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  It's very unbelievable. I thought I used to make fun fun
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  of Ish Yazim have dinners, holiday and school dinners,
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  annual dinners, right? And they have guests of honor,
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  Parents of the year. He's always joking about the
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  fact we don't have the we don't have parents of the year.
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  It's very convenient. The parent of the year happens
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  to be no one knows how his kid is doing.
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  Your mother isn't mother of the year.
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  My mother, that's a hard 1. That's because the institution,
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  sure, she's a wonderful woman, but the institution needs some
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  help also. We all want this is how it plays
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  out ready. Everyone of us wants to be known
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  as successful people. We want to be known as nice
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  people. We want to be known as kind
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  people, caring, good fathers, good husbands.
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  We want to be checking every box regardless of what we are.
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  So if someone tells us that we are that we're going to
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  immediately say, oh, wow, I really am.
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  That fits. That's exactly what I am.
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  So we're going to allow the flattery to fear right into our
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  hope, which is I want to be Mr. X.
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  The father is alone is telling me they have Mr. X.
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  I'm going to believe it. I'm going to drink that kool-aid
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  'cause if it's right into with the persona I want to have, you
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  know what that allows that allows me to not work at all.
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  You have situations, I'll give you an example.
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  You have situations where husbands, young husbands get
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  married and their wife not really so happy with them, but
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  they were there at the time that they, they give me to their
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  family. She's not so happy, but this
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  young man has a mother who tells him all the time, you're the
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  best, you're #1 you're unbelievable.
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  There's such a thing out there. A mama's boy is a real thing.
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  And they get married and the wives can't handle it because
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  the husband really believes he's Mashiach because the mother told
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  him so. And yet she's facing a different
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  album and she can't handle it. And she's got no one to talk to
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  because this guy has the belief from his mother or from other
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  people who came before him, from his teachers, whoever else who
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  in that light he was great. But you know, there flattery did
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  for him. That flattery made him unable to
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  be a good husband. Whereas if the parent would ever
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  tell him the truth, whatever it would be somewhere real with
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  him, he would have the opening to recognize where he is flawed.
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  We do not want to be people who are reliant on the compliments.
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  You do not want to be people who are busy with the yes men.
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  And those lift me up because when I am, I have no clue the
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  truth. Sure, I could handle Flower did
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  flattery and move on, but I don't know the truth.
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  I don't know whether I'm a good guy or a bad guy and nobody's
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  telling me the worst thing in the world would be to have
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  people around you that are making you feel good.
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  Nobody's telling me my issue and people can go 20304050607080
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  years of their life and I have no clue where they're a flaw.
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  They don't know where there's an issue.
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  They don't know the whole 'cause they only made sure they got rid
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  of anybody. They disconnected.
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  There are people out there who disconnect from those who have a
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  hard time with them. They just cut them out.
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  Goodbye. Now they don't, they don't make
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  it that that clear, but just flows above.
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  And then they're only around people who are pro them, who
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  give them compliments, who encourage them, which is a good
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  feel thing, you know, very nice feel good thing.
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  But at the same time, they do not have a clue where they are
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  for. And they live life thinking that
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  the best guy, not knowing at all that they have major problems in
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  this area of character. That's really why God gave us
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  wives literally for this reason. One of the main things that
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  wives do is this and that they pick at the areas that you
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  thought you were great at and they say, how are you doing this
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  line? You know, you give me so much
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  time to the office to work other people.
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  What about us? What about?
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  Yeah, a little bit more balance buzz, No.
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  Huh. Why?
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  You only pick a, you know? It's like in wrestling, the guy
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  would go for your weak leg, you know?
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  Yeah, they always go with the weak leg.
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  The rabbi. Gets it.
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  Also the rabbi gets it. Also.
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  You got to go recording every press every rabbi gets.
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  It Also makes you feel every rabbi gets.
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  It the rabbi. Gets it.
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  Every rabbi gets it more than any layman gets it for sure,
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  because the rabbis are much more imbalanced in this area.
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  OK, because they have a call, which in their mind, that phone
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  call is, you know, a life altering.
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  And it's so important for that person, for that family.
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  And the wife says, what about our family?
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  This is par for the course all day long for many rabbis out
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  there. Such rabbis.
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  This is not the Madras. But he.
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  Didn't sue the Mila and his son very similar.
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  More exactly somewhat some. I don't know if I was soon.
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  You mean showing so much care? Tell me.
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  But not he didn't do Milan and his son.
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  Maybe it was a soccernet issue. It's somewhat similar, yes.
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  Every leader has to deal with this funny balance, which is
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  they are dedicated to the call but they have to worry about
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  their children. I remember going to Israel every
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  time I go, usually bring up this topic and the rabbits always
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  always tell me something like this.
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  Your children are heard about SAT Torah too.
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  Teaching your children is also spreading qurah.
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  Don't lose sight of the reality. It's very common.
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  Someone once gave me a line which I didn't like, but I'll
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  take it anyway. And he give me, put him, put me
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  on my path. As long as this, this such a
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  thing called Rabbi's son syndrome.
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  I said thank you very much. I'm a rabbi's son.
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  I appreciate that. But Rabbi's son syndrome is that
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  this is a fear of a lack of attention.
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  It's a real, real thing because of this imbalance, because of
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  being busy with the community and not being busy with the
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  family and who sets them straight every time to wife.
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  Only the wife can set them straight and tell them that guys
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  or tell the husband that unless you focus on your family, you
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  can do major things you can influence to.
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  That's what all of the community and your own children.
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  How so long could be suffering. It's a reality that's very real.
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  That can happen in a minute paying these people.
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  Why? Because they're busy with the
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  call. They're busy with good things.
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  Everyone is telling them they're the greatest.
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  You know, this rabbi, what he does, it's my marriage.
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  Unbelievable. And his own marriage can be one.
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  That's OK. I'm not saying it's a bad
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  marriage, but it's one that needs more attention.
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  Is that possible? That's almost probable.
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  That's how real it is. And that's because of the
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  flattery or because of the people telling how great he is
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  that this is, this is available to happen.
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  And this man has to stop and check himself by the door and
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  say, am I being a good husband? Yes or no?
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  It does not matter what people say.
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  It simply matters about the reality on paper.
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  And if the answer is yes, and he is a very good guy and the
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  answer is no, and he's a very normal guy, and that is the risk
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  we're dealing with right here, right?
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  I can, if it's Shamores de Varima, Eliot's even P Shamino,
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  when he has people telling him that he's a great person, he can
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  sue Borcheris. He's going to go into him.
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  Flattery goes in like poison. Flattery is poison.
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  And this person is prone to being flattered and therefore
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  being made arrogant and therefore falling.
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  It's very normal. Gives an example, gives a few
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  examples. All right, These people thought
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  that they were Mashiach. They thought they were gods
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  because people taught them so. And this is a very common
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  concept that there are people around you who you trust be your
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  mother, your siblings. You know, you have people who
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  deal with the crisis and they fall back on their siblings,
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  which is a nice thing. Siblings are there for support.
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  That's a beautiful thing. But siblings also in a good
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  sibling situation also could tell them you go for it, you
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  fight it out. You're right there room.
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  They're crazy, very nice, wonderful thing to give you
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  sibling support. It's a beautiful thing.
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  You know what? You also think you're creating a
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  monster because you're not allowing that person to face the
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  music. You need to allow a person to be
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  real with the world and not be fooled by the people in this
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  corner telling him he's great. If you allow that, if you allow
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  them only to hear the corner, you're running the risk of the
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  person living a sketch. Not real, not genuine existence.
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  You never want to be that person.
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  You want to be the person who is not shocked when someone tells
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  me, you know, no, I notice you're not really, you know,
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  maybe you're not praying me out properly or someone gives them a
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  random copy of God's comment that doesn't take him off his
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  game. If you can't handle insults or
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  you can't handle comments and you're in for need to be open
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  for the genuine real reality and not only open to hear the
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  flattery of what people say. All right, as we are is our
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  reality. I do after these events.
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  Just give me an example after these events.
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  I got this from Mori prior to an event.
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  Probably today isn't time. I sit down and I write notes and
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  these notes are very strong, which means I write a whole list
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  of things that were good and things that can be better next
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  time. And for me, it's a little bit of
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  a tough toe to swallow. I spent a, we spent a week on
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  this with endless amount of hours on last night, endless
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  amount of hours, Arun Hashem. We had sat at the Shamaya in a
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  million ways between the people that came within learning that
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  happened between the food. If I tell you the miracles with
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  the food and the fire and these things, everything was the Alpha
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  Hashem and the police block off. And then the amount of people
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  that came and the weather was insane, right?
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  You had to Hashem in every area. Now I have to pick and try to
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  find where the issues are. And trust me, I'll find them and
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  I'm going to sift through it and make a list.
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  And the next year the hope is to do it and do it better.
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  And then we'll find flaws next year too.
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  Trust me. And maybe it'll rain, who knows?
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  Maybe it'll be this, maybe that, hopefully not.
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  But you have to be able to be critical on yourself.
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  After you make a sale and you sell to Walmart, if you're able
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  to stop and sit down and say even though we got Walmart and
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  even though we did great and even though we execute very
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  well, I am sure that we left money on the table and I'm sure
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  we can do better next time. But if any of the things you're
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  going to criticize really in your hands?
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  Maybe, maybe not. Yes, because of course you have
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  beat the hornbeat. You still have put yeah for him
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  and you could say. Like you can't control who
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  comes, you can't control how much of it you got covered by
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  donations, you can't control the weather, you can't even control
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  if people are enjoying themselves or not.
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  I know all you can do is make sure the food gets there and
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  it's the best of the ability. It's organized.
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  Like at the end if we start to like chisel at it.
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  That's part of the reason. That's exactly the reason why in
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  certain areas I did not micromanage this item.
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  I didn't. I couldn't micromanage just kind
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  of mental block because if I would micromanage and it would
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  have rent would have been OK. So you put all the time in in a
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  strange way if it didn't work out.
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  So because of that, I looked a lot of the chance and I show me
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  it'll be get delivered in a crazy way.
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  All right. But that was a little bit of my
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  fight. Do I overdo this and then have
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  the risk of the whole thing being a flop?
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  Right. That's my issue.
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  OK, It's a lack of Peter horn. I got to work on my Peter Horn.
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  I got to figure it out. But my point is, in the original
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  point, it got to be open to criticism.
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  They have to be open to the ability to say we messed up here
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  and there. Other places you do that, you're
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  real with yourself. If you don't do that, you're in
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  for it. Give us some of this.