Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / What to EXPECT after you breakup with a Narcissist

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What to EXPECT after you breakup with a Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people.
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  Today we're going to be talking about what to expect when you
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  recently break up with a narcissist, like when the
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  breakup is fresh, like what is going to happen next.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist. And welcome to another episode
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  of The Narcissist Code. No, no, no, no, no, no.
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  Yeah. What's welcome back folks?
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  Welcome back, welcome back. So yes, before we hop deep into
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  today's episode, y'all make sure if you haven't, check out the
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  kids book on Amazon. Remember, It's Not Your Fault
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  helps kids understand narcissistic toxic relationship
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  dynamics. Telling the Truth is a
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  conversation starter to talk about tough subjects with your
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  kids and whatnot. But what to expect when you a
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  fresh breakup? What the what is a narcissist
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  going to do when you freshly break up with them?
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  Like when it's fresh? There's like a a recency bias to
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  the breakup, like the next day. So for you, don't expect to
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  immediately feel better like a sigh of relief.
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  You might, you might like say you, it's a possibility exists
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  that you could feel a sigh of relief once you break up with
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  this person, once you send that break up text message, once you
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  load up the final load of the truck, once you get away from
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  them, you know what I mean? Or once they break up with you,
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  Sometimes you might feel a sigh of relief, but a lot of times
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  it's going to hurt a little bit. Y'all, so many people get out of
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  these relationships. I think you have the false start
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  that you I mean, sometimes you couldn't, you could immediately
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  feel better. But so many people get into it
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  and get out of it and think you're immediately going to feel
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  better. You're going to feel weird.
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  Yeah, sometimes you're going to feel weird, especially if the
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  relationship has any kind of like link doesn't always matter
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  as much as intensity, but linked matters.
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  You know what I mean? You can be in a three month
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  relationship and it can be intense as hell and take a long
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  time for you to heal from, right?
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  But if you're in a 20 year relationship, 20 year marriage,
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  30 year marriage, 40, that's the long as I hear the long as I
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  hear it was 4343 year marriage. And y'all just break up.
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  Expect a little bit of pain, expect to hurt, expect to miss
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  the person a little bit. Y'all, it's understandable. 20
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  years is 7300 days, 7300 you might be one day no contact 7299
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  more to go to catch up. That's a long time.
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  Allow yourself to grieve, forgive yourself.
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  Allow yourself a little room to feel your feelings are valid.
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  You can, you can miss somebody that hurt you. 7300 days.
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  If it's ten years, 3600 days, it was five years, 1800 and so on
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  and so forth. Two years, not what 2 1/2 years
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  is about 900 something I guess. But yes, you're going to, you're
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  going to hurt a little bit. Y'all.
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  It's and it's understandable. It's OK absorb it.
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  Some people might feel you might feel a sigh relief like you
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  might feel a sigh relief. You might feel you're going to
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  feel different. You know that person is not
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  around. You might be scrolling on TikTok
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  or Instagram or Facebook and see a meme that makes you think of
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  them. And you are.
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  Damn this remind you want to send it to them.
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  Oh, this inside joke. But you're no contact.
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  You don't live together anymore. You're not, you're not together
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  anymore. You just file for divorce.
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  You see what I'm saying? Allow yourself the space to
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  grieve. Allow yourself the space to heal
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  because he's going to he's going to hurt a little bit.
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  Y'all, the trauma bond just because like the way I describe
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  it like it's like this y'all damn, the way I describe it is
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  like this. You let let's let's just say
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  your relationship is a vehicle like you, you're in this
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  relationship vehicle with your narcissistic partner or wife or
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  husband, whoever this is, right? You're in this relationship
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  vehicle with this person. You're riding alone.
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  You're speeding down the highway all of a sudden.
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  Yeah. You're not wearing any
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  seatbelts. You're speed.
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  You're both speeding down the highway, not wearing any
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  seatbelts, and then all of a sudden the your narcissist, the
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  partner slams on brakes or you hit a brick wall.
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  You what? What happens if you hit a brick
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  wall? The relationship or the car
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  stops. But guess what happens?
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  Physics says the people or the the things that are inside the
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  vehicle keep moving. Just because the relationship
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  stops does not mean the feelings or the people won't keep moving.
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  You see what I'm saying? Allow yourself that space to
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  heal. It's recent, it's fresh.
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  Even if it's not super fresh, even it's been a month or two
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  and you still crying, it's OK, you're healing.
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  You're right, you're moving forward.
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  This, that's what you should expect.
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  Expect to feel different. Expect to feel weird.
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  Expect not to look online and just say you should be healed by
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  now. Don't do that people tell you
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  you should be healed by now. They're just going to rush.
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  They feel like you maybe I made a mistake.
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  You're going to start questioning yourself you Maybe I
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  made a mistake, maybe I did this maybe I did that.
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  Like maybe it was my fault. Maybe I was too over
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  overbearing. Maybe I was too jealous.
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  Maybe I was this maybe I was that.
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  They're trying to they're a lot of these thoughts are going to
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  cross your mind and it's OK y'all.
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  It's like your feelings are valid but don't self gas like
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  yourself into going back to this person or reaching out to your
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  toxic ex. The abuse was real.
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  The abuse was on them. The healing is on you.
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  So that's what that's that's what you should expect.
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  Expect to heal, expect to grow and sometimes expected to feel
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  weird when you can like you don't.
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  It's going to feel weird when you can look over your shoulder
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  and you can do something without looking over your shoulder and
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  without looking over your shoulder and your narcissistic
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  partner is messing with you or calling you or reaching out to
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  you, something like that or just judging you.
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  They're not trying to hurt you or harm you or something like
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  that. It's going to feel different.
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  It's going to feel weird. Allow yourself that space.
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  Allow yourself that healing space, that healing grace is is
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  coming to you. You're going to get there.
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  You're going to heal. I promise you, you're going to
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  heal. It's just going to take a little
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  while to get there and it's OK. It's OK.
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  You're going to get there. I promise you, you're going to
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  get there. It just takes a little bit to
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  get there. And like this is what I tell
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  people as well. You might, you like see it's OK
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  to miss the person, but it's not OK to allow them back into your
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  life and to to continue to hurt you.
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  That's what I tell people right there now from the narcissistic
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  part of things, from the narcissistic side of things, the
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  recent, the more recent the breakup.
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  Like in my mind, they might try to move on quickly.
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  The narcissistic person, toxic person might try to move on
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  quickly. Y'all just broke up yesterday.
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  They got somebody's car in the driveway today.
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  Y'all just broke up two days ago.
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  They're already on a date posting pictures about being in
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  love with somebody else. Y'all just broke up last week.
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  They're already, sometimes they might have already moved someone
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  in. Narcissistic people don't like
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  to be by themselves emotionally, physically, they can be by
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  themselves for a little bit, but not emotionally.
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  They feel like they always need somebody to be in a relationship
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  with. I'm going to do a video soon
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  about narcissists and their attachment style.
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  I tend to think narcissists are avoidance.
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  You know what I'm saying? But you hear that You describe
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  an avoidant person is pretty much describing a narcissist not
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  but not to that the the crazy degree and this type of stuff
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  happens so much. Y'all like they might try to
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  move on quickly, but guess what, just because they try to move on
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  quickly, not all of them, not all of them will try to move on
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  quickly. Some of them will lose their
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  damn minds and try to come back and get you back.
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  Some of them will be blowing your damn phone up, popping up
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  at your house, emailing you, calling your friends and family,
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  calling their friends and family if y'all have kids, calling the
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  kids to ask what's going on with you, What are you happy?
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  I don't know. I have no idea what what
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  happened, what went on here. Like this is understandable too.
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  They're going to do this type of stuff.
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  It doesn't make it OK, but some of them are going to do this
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  now. Or is every narcissist going to
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  do this? Be reaching out and losing their
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  mind, going crazy? No, some of them will ghost, go
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  ghost on you and not try to reach out to you, not try to
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  Hoover you. And then that's like, it doesn't
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  mean they don't want you back anymore.
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  It just means they're not, they're not going to pursue you.
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  They're going to allow you to be the one that reaches out to them
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  and complete what people refer to as the reverse Hoover.
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  You're going to end up hoovering yourself back into the
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  relationship because you read it.
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  You read about narcissism and a narcissistic abuse coach or
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  video told you that every single narcissist will Hoover you and
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  try to get you back. But yours isn't.
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  So you feel weird. You start questioning yourself,
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  right? And then you end up reaching out
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  to them because they haven't reached out to you.
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  They're not hoovering you. You're going to question
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  yourself worth here. A lot of people, so many people
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  question their self worth based on whether or not they get
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  hoovered, you know, based on whether or not the narcissist
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  tried to come back into their life.
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  So many people question their own self worth, like I, I must
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  not be worth much because I didn't get a Hoover.
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  I must not be. They must not care about me
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  enough because I didn't get a Hoover.
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  They didn't reach out to me. They just went ghost on me.
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  Maybe I wasn't the love of their life like they said.
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  Maybe they you, maybe there's maybe that you're going to
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  question yourself a lot. It's understandable.
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  You are, you're going to question yourself.
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  You, this type of stuff is going to happen and it's
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  understandable. I'm just telling you right now,
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  it's understandable that you're going to feel a certain type of
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  way. Just allow yourself that space
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  to heal because narcissists, they don't heal the same way you
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  do. Narcissists are trying to avoid
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  the pain. So they're trying to throw
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  themselves into a new relationship or they're trying
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  to throw themselves into something else, a career, new
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  career, a new hobby. They're trying to throw
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  themselves. They're trying to avoid the
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  pain, avoid the shame. They're trying to avoid it all
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  and get rid of it as opposed to dealing with it and battling it.
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  You know, this is super fresh. You know, right after the
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  breakup, expect a lot of this type of stuff.
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  So you can, I did this video so you can plan it.
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  You can plan for it. So you're not super shocked when
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  this person doesn't reach out to you or they do reach out to you.
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  You're not super shocked when they're calling your phone and
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  blowing your blowing up, calling your job or whatever.
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  You're not super shocked when they're by emailing you or
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  writing you letters and things like that.
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  You're not super shocked when they try to buy your forgiveness
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  when they try, when they try to now they try to change.
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  You're not super shocked like because narcissist, they're
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  scared. The first thought that goes into
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  their minds when you recently break up with them is that you
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  have to have somebody else. You must have somebody else.
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  So they could be losing their mind, accusing you of be, having
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  someone else, accusing you of leaving them for someone else,
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  and they going to be mad as hell because sometimes their paranoia
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  kicks in and it makes them actually believe that you did.
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  And if you did, hey. But if you didn't, it would just
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  be just buckle up because their paranoia doesn't go away because
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  you can't prove to them that you're not talking to anybody
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  else. The only way you can prove that
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  is by letting them move back in or calling them or being with
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  them all day. You see what I'm saying?
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  That's the mindset, that's the mentality.
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  So this is the type of things you should expect when you get
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  out of a task relationship like recency, when you recently leave
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  a narcissist, like refresh when you're fresh out of a
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  relationship with a narcissist. This is what to expect from your
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  side of things. And this is what to expect from
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  the narcissist side of things. Anyway, y'all think I'll tune
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  into another episode. Y'all know I truly appreciate
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  every single one of y'all. Make sure you subscribe to the
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  channel if you haven't already. Check out joining my support
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  groups or taking one of my courses right here at
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  courses.mentalillness.net. You know, I'm super thankful for
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  every single one of y'all like and subscribe.
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  And as always, thank you so much for making it to the end of my
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  video. I'm extremely grateful for you.
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  Have no idea. If you haven't already, make
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  sure you go ahead and subscribe to the channel.
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  Help us reach more people and click on the screen to watch
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  another video or to browse to another playlist.
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  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
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  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
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  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
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  I will see you in the next video.
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  Peace.