Latest / Dear Chelsea / Time to Give Your Family the Boot

Transcript

Time to Give Your Family the Boot · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Oh God, welcome to summer. Huh, summer is we are
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: in the thick of it. I love it. I love it.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. I love it. I've
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: had so much fun this summer between work and vacation
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: and then work and the vacation and then work. And
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I will be in Canada performing at the Great Outdoors
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Comedy Festival in Edmonton on August, so tickets are available
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: for that. There's just so many exciting things happening. I mean,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: this has been turned into a jam packed summer. People
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: really want to be out. People are horny. I always
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: loved summer, but now I just like when summer wraps
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: up because that means ski season is on the approach. Well,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: you know what the problem with summer now is is
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: that it's too hot everywhere because the planet is melting
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: and I can't even imagine what it's like for people
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: who don't have air conditioning. My friends went through that
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: heat wave in Vancouver and they were like dying and
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: it was like, I mean, they would Marco Polo me
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and they would look like they were passing away. I'm like,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: are you guys serious about this heat? But I didn't
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: take into consideration and what that must be like without
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: a c well, their bodies aren't acclimated to that sort
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: of temperature increase. No, no, no, So yeah, it's only
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: going to get worse and worse. But I did read
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: something interesting about heat domes. So heat domes are part
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: of what makes you know, it's just like a heat wave,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: what creates a heat wave. But yet that's exacerbated by
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: global warming and climate change. So while we have these
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: weather patterns, you know, it's not like global warming. It's
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: a it's a product of all of it, right, and
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: it's or no, maybe I said that wrong. I say
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: so many things wrong. I don't even know what's up anymore,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: sideways upside down from behind. Sorry anyway, you know what
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: I'm saying. It's hot, you know, and I think we
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: can all agree it's too hot. It's not pleasant at all.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: You know, it's just no one's going to take it seriously,
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: these older politicians, because they love the heat. I mean,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: they want to sweat through every layer of clothing they wear.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: But it's like mosquitoes are everywhere now. So you go
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: over to someone's house in the valley and you can't
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: you come back and you're eating alive. It's just like,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: why are there There were never mosquitoes in California, not
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: that I picked up on. That was an East coast
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: thing because of the humidity, and now it's a West
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: coast thing. And I'm not into it. And I don't
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: know anybody who is into fucking mosquitoes. And if you
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: do know, somebody tell them, I said, to funk off,
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: or tell them to call in because they need help.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: I just I just have a problem. You know. I
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: don't mind bugs so much. Everyone's either scared of spiders
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: or they're scared of snakes, right, like bugs or snakes. Obviously,
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: I'm scared of snakes. I've talked about this publicly privately
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: to anyone who will listen. I once saw a snake
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: on safari and my said, I slapped my sister across
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: the face when I saw it because I was so scared.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: And our safari guide was like, you're in Africa, what
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: did you think was going to happen? And I said,
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: I I didn't think I was going to see a
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: snake outside my room. That's what I didn't think. So
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: I hit my sister across the face because that's the
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: reaction I have when I see a snake. I have
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: to hit somebody, and I hit her and then I
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: went to kick her and she blocked me, but then
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: held onto me tight because she knew that I was
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: having a childlike reaction to snakes, which I always do,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: And it was almost like she stopped me from having
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: a seizure. Even though I don't have epilepsy, I would
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: like my body would involuntarily react without me. So that's
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: what happened in Africa. And I was trying to hook
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: up with our safari guide, so that put the ki
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: bush on that as soon as he saw me so
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: scared of snakes, he lost all respect for me. I
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: saw a snake on my hike the other day where
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Freeman trail, and I shoot it off the trail. I've
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: a rattlesnake. No, it was not a rattlesnake, but I've
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: tried to have more respect for animals when I'm in
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: their space. So it was slithering across the little track
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: and then stopped, and so I took a sick and
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: I just tried to get it to go down the
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: hill because I'm I feel like you know, I mean,
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I mean your home I'm on your territory, and normally
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: I would be repulsed or terrified, but I just tried
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: to remember, you know, he doesn't want any trouble. I
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: don't want any trouble. So it's just that's what I
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: have to remember when I see a snake. He doesn't
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: want any trouble. My problem is that I believe they
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: want trouble and that they will chase me, and that
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: I My friend was telling me the other day to
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: come to Bowen Island because her parents are there, and
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: then she proceeded to tell me two stories about snakes
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: that she found. She found one in the water. I
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: was like, that's it. One swimming in the water. Why
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: are they in the water? Water moccasins. That's why we
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: won't get in a lake anymore. I'm reading this book
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: called Atomic Habits, I think it's by his names by
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: James Clear and this is more about like achieving your
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: goals by changing your identity. And one of the things
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: he says is like we are in charge of the
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: perception we make for ourselves. So instead of the example
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: that he uses in the book is if you were
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: a smoker and someone offered you a cigarette while you
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: were trying to quit. Instead of saying, oh, I'm trying
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: to quit, you would reply with, oh, I don't smoke,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: and so in that way, I think you just need
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: to retrain your brain to say I'm not afraid of
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: these snakes. Like the more you tell your self, the
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: more it becomes part of your identity, so that repetition
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: of habit. So maybe you just need to start saying
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: how much you love snakes every day. Okay, I mean,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I guess I could try that, but okay, yeah, I
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: mean I hear what you're saying about being in their
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: land or on their you know, on their turf. I
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: get that that's true. Same goes for sharks. Then you
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: know you're in their water. And that's why I don't
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: get in the water. I'm just never gonna stop swimming
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: in the ocean. I can't stop, won't stop. I love
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: the ocean and I love swimming, and I love sitting
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: with my nieces in the water, you know, on Nantucket
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: or Martha's Vineyard. This year we went to Nantucket, but
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: we usually we go to Martha's Vineyard. But I have
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: to say I would give them both rave reviews. And
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: I kind of like Nantucket a lot, which is kind
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: of weird because I'm such a vineyard her But I
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: don't know. Eventually I'm going to want to shack up
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: there one of those places with my family. Yeah, as
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: my sister and I transition into late life lesbians, we
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: could probably move. We probably want to be bi coastal.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: I mean, all lesbians should be by coastal, right, I think.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: So it's the only way. Do you want to give
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: a quick one off advice because we have a submission.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: I love a one off Sure, Okay, this submission says,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I have a crush on a colleague at work,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: and I'm trying to figure out how to take the
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: friendship further while remaining respectful and appropriate. Any advice would
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: be great, Leah, what do you think? Okay? So, okay,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: let's answer it first. As a woman, I would definitely
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Since men can't approach you in the workplace and you
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: have a crush on him, it's important that you let
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: him know because he can't take that chance right now.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: So what's a cute way to do that? Do you
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: think either a note or a text or something cute?
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: But I think it's up to you to kind of
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: just say, like, what's the most respectful way to say it?
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Like I have to ask a question, how do they communicate?
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: What's their communication form? I think a safe bet is
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: always to do a small work gathering, so a happy
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: hour where it's not a ton of people, it's not
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: everyone in the office, but maybe like five or six people.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: So that way, there's not as much pressure in the
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: initial interaction outside of work if you've not hung out
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: outside of work yet, because then you can kind of
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: use that as you're jumping off point to do something
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: just you too, you know, like, oh, how great happy
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: are it was? You had so much fun? Maybe you
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: guys would want to get dinner together sometime. So I
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: think that's a non invasive way maybe to approach that.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: So that's a good first step. I don't know what
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: your work situation is like, but yeah, that's a good
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: thing to do because then you can kind of make
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: some inroads at that event where you can kind of
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: flirt a little or whatever, get the vibe going. And
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: then after that, I think a little note is cute.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Who does that anymore? You know, it's cute to write
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: a little note, leave it on his desk, just something
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: that's a little flirty, like, hey, I had a great
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: time with you the other night. I would love to
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: go out with you alone, Like this is after that little,
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: you know, group activity, I would love to go out
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: with you. I would love to do it again. If
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: you're interested, let me know, Like that's kind of harmless
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: if not, no worries. I think it's nice for women
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: to reach out to men, especially during this time right now.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: What do you think agree? I don't know what, what
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: more sound advice you could get. I think that women
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: coming into like their voice and their power in those
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: situations and saying this is what I'm interested in, and
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: that is that is hot for a woman to do,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: To be the one to kind of take that step
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: and put herself out there in that way. There's no
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: greater feeling after you make a move like that to wait.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I love it. I mean, yeah, sometimes you don't get
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: the answer you want, but it's so exciting to take
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: a leap like that, Like I love reaching out to
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: someone who doesn't know that I'm interested in, just like
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: kind of putting it out there. I love it. And
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: I've been rejected doing that and I'm still fine with it.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: So what if it were a man. For we're a
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: man who had a crush on a colleague and I
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: was trying to figure out how to take the friendship
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: further well remaining respectful, I think I would say to
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: write a note. Also, I would probably give the same advice,
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: but I would really emphasize his propriety and his approach
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: and make sure that it doesn't feel intimidating in a
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: pro appriate. You don't have to say that to women,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: but that would be what would differ from my advice
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: to a man. Yeah, as a man, you need to
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: be respectful of her space and that it is a
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: workplace for her, and you don't want to have any
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: woman on the defense at work if you're interest in
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: her is not not wanted or not reciprocated. Rather so
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I think, And if you're a gay man, I would
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: my advice would be whip out your but chucky and
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: just let it rip. Chuck. Yeah, that's what I haven't heard.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Oh really, but chucky, that's our that's our family word
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: for penis, but chucky, kaslopis and Pikachu. Oh and then
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: boom c is a fart. We don't say fart or
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: and we don't say. We say take a should you be.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: If somebody has to go number two, we call it
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: a should be. So we have a lot of code
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: words in our family, but we all understand what they mean,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: and so do all our friends. Leah, hope that solved
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: your problem. Yeah, Leah, good luck with that problem solved.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: If you guys end up together, I could call us, Okay,
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: we're gonna take a minute and we're gonna have some
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: time for some ads and we'll be right back. Bert
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: can't see the steps for some reason from the bed,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: like even though he walks down them every morning, sometimes
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: he doesn't remember where they are, which is in line
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: with his brain chemistry, because every time I come home
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: it feels like I have to reintroduce myself too. So
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: when he comes on the bed, if he doesn't see
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: the steps in the morning, I've well twice now he's
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: fallen off the bed. I'm surprised he survived, and it
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: also explains why he's very slow, because he has obviously
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: several head injuries or concussions over the last few months.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: But when he does fall off the bed, it is
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: a an alarming sound, but not alarming enough for me
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: to get up because I know that his fur is
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: patting him, and as a parent, that's really all I
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: can hope for or ask for. Actually, I did start
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: carrying a cabbage patch kid around the house and was
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: breastfeeding it to convince Bert and Bernice that I actually
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: am maternal and I am a mother because my Bell keeps.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: My Bell's my housekeeper, and she keeps telling me the
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: reason why the dogs love her so much is because
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: she is a mother, and they know that I'm barren.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: So I tried to counter that with my cabbage patch
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: kid that I found, and well, I'm not producing milk.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: But Bert as also not really paying attention because as
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: soon as my Bell leaves the house, he goes to
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: sleep for the night because it's like it's sucking over
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: his his day is over, so he goes to sleep.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: So anything I do, that's my window to be with them.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: And they both don't want to be with me because
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: they're pissed that my Bell left, and so in that time,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: whatever I do is useless because their eyes are closed anyway,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: because they're so miserable because they hate me so much.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I'm glad those two can't talk. You know, they wouldn't
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: have anything nice to say. No, definitely, not not to me,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: that's for sure. I mean Bernice came up the other morning,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: climbed up someone was there was a workman in the house.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: She climbed up the little doggy steps. I'm in my
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: bed on my computer in my bathroom in the morning.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: She climbs up the doggy steps, walks right over to me.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: I go, and I put my hand out to Petter,
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: and she runs in the opposite direction and runs off
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: the bed like I'm a rapist, like I've beaten her,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: and runs off the bed, runs down the stairs. What
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: what the fund is that? Why? Team? But why is
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: she coming up to taunt me like that? Is she
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: playing with me? Their emotions? I don't know. I mean
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: these two dogs, honestly, the next two dogs I get,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: I might not get chows. I need some a little bit.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I mean I know I will, because they're just fucking cute.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: And I love having a furry snuff leophagus in my
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: bed every night, whether he wants to be there or not.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: He doesn't even know what's happening, because you know, I
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: carry him, I carry him downstairs after he passes out
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: on the floor. He's like a furry slinky. His dead
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: weight and his dead skin. You know, I have to
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: put him over my shoulder, and then I bring him
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: upstairs and I threw him on the bed and he
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: just never wakes up. Nothing, nothing will wake him up
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: once she's gone, unless he is off the bed. Bert's
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: been letting me pet him, and that's been very exciting.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: I know. Well, his body is such a wonderland that
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: if you you know, just even touching his fur is soothing.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: It's like almost self soothing. When I touched his body,
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: it feels like your fingers can get lost in his
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: like head and neck meat. Yeah, and under army we've
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: got two big flaps, right, and the hair is so soft.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: I know, I love it. He's really like a teddy bear. Okay,
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: so you want to go into callers right away. Let's
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: just get into him, all right, Let's just get into
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: it then. All right. Well Katie out of Corona, California.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: She's thirty one, right, Dear Chelsea, my husband just want
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: to say something about your voice. It's you know, it's
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: very soothing. It's almost like a laxative. I used to
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: have this thing where my mom would call me when
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: I was like, moved to California, and as soon as
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: I heard her voice, I had to go to the
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: bathroom because she was so relaxing that it helps, like
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: just relax me. And my sister said the same thing.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: She goes, Oh my god, that's so funny. When I
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: was at college and I talked to mom on the phone,
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: I had to go to the bathroom too, like it
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: just lets everything flow. Okay, I'm going to take that
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: as a compliment, so I would say that your voice
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: also has that effect on me, because not yet, but
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: I think one day I will. I can't wait for
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: that day. She writes, Dear Chelsea, my husband and I
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: recently had our first child, the first grandchild on both
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: sides of the family. We spent the last four years
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: living in Europe and just moved back to California, closer
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: to our families who are Trump supporters. We are not.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: My husband and I are currently struggling with certain family
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: members who continuously make racist and insensitive comments. For example,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: one family member in particular hates the Black Lives Matter
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: movement and all the blacks on TV now and how
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: he's boycotting the NFL. Another family member will make rude
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: comments about illegals and all the Mexicans taking over. Needless
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: to say, my husband and I are tired of this
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: type of behavior and do not want them speaking this
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: way in front of our daughter. They already think I'm
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: a liberal snowflake who's too sensitive, so I feel like
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: no matter how I address these issues, they're going to
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: blow me off. It's such a terrible position to be in.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: But it should also be noted that in her written submission,
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: she did put quotes around things like blacks and illegals
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: because she was directly quoting family members. Okay, Katie, what's
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: going on? What's what's the situation? But now that you're home,
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: Hi Katie, Hi, thank you for having me on. Sorry
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: about your parents they suck and grandparents aying you want
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: to say they're good people, right, because they would never
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: speak this way in public or around these groups of people.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: So it's where's the disconnect of why would you speak
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: that way in front of my husband and I who
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: don't share these same views and don't speak that way,
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: especially now that we have a child. I don't want
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: them speaking that way in front of her ever, And
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: I feel like we're not the only people going through
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: this right, Like, everyone has a family member who will
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: make an insensitive comment, and we need to move away
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: from Oh, Grandpa's just being grandpa or Mom's just always
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: been that way, And it's how do you set those
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: boundaries with your family members and your parents who didn't
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: raise you to be this way. You know, we're taught
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: to be considerate of other be polite, respect authority, and
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know where that disconnect is now with our
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: parents generation in particular. So I think it's just really
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: hard because you love them and you want them to
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: have a relationship with your child, but it's also this
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: is not okay, and I don't want this to hurt
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: our relationship, but this can't continue. So what what kind
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: of conversations have you had thus far? Have you told them?
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Like how hateful that is, so like what they're talking about,
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: how hateful that is to have around your daughter to
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: talk about blacks on television and he doesn't like the
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: Black Lives Matter movement, Like that's hate driven. Yeah, And
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: I think with my husband side of the family, I
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: don't feel as comfortable as with my own family. So
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: I just say, yeah, things are changing, you know, and
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: kind of leave it at that, and if my husband's
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: not there, I don't know what more I could really say.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: I guess having a bigger backbone and being like, hey,
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: that really makes me uncomfortable. It is insensitive and not
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: even sorry it makes you uncomfortable. It's that's just how
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: things are now. But with my side of the family,
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: I'll say, you know, like, I don't like that? Can
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: we please? Like? That is really mean and it's kind
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: of out of nowhere. They have no reason to feel
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: this way about these groups of people. See this is
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: bad for me because I have no tolerance for that,
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: And I would argue, who cares? Then you to keep
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: your daughter away from them, then they shouldn't be around
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: that kind of hate. But I know people care about
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: seeing their families and they want their families to be
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: involved with their children at least that's what I hear,
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: So I get that angle of it. I can't tell
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: you how many questions we get like this. People are
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: always writing in about cutting out friends and family out
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: of their lives because of racism or bigotry, all of it.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: And but everybody's not a lost cause. Like if you
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: can really demonstrate the hate and the harm that black
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: families have grown up with and and all BIPOC people
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: and all marginalized group have grown up with and the
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: hatred and bigotry against them, and how damaging that is.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: You know, like facts are facts. I mean, look at
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: how many black people were shot the week Derek Chauvin
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: was convicted. You know, look at what had happened. I mean,
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: it's undeniable that there is the system working against black
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: people in this country, and that they're part of it.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: We're all part of it, but they're actively perpetuating it. Yeah,
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: and to be irritated with it for no reason because
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: it's not actually affecting their day to day life, to
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: me is mind boggling. And I want our daughter to
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: grow up. I'm hoping that our kids generation doesn't see
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: any of these conflicts or oh, how can we help
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: these people? Or yeah, that's really rough that they've gone
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: through this for so long, or seeing a homeless person.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: Instead of being like, oh, they made bad life decisions,
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: it's how can we help, Like let's move away from
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: being negative or seeing things as a negative way and
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: turning around is how can we help How can we
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: make a difference to Yeah, how can we enforce change,
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: and how can we go with change and be supportive? Like,
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: what is your family's excuse for saying I hate all
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: these black people on TV? I mean, what do you
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: say when they say something like that, Yeah, I mean
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: that recently just happened. When you said we have like
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: post your questions, I was like, we literally just had
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: that awkward situation in our home and all I said was, well,
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: change is happening because it caught me so off guard
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: because there is no reason. We also grew up in
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: Orange County. We live in southern California, So let's talk
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: about white privilege already like this, The diverseness is not
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: in our community. It's not, and it makes us uncomfortable
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: when we're faced with it because that's not something that
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: we've dealt with. Because those people are actively being supported
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: in our own community. I think it would behoove you
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: to have a really like heart to heart conversation with
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: them without trying not to get emotional and just being
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: very pragmatic and practical about it and saying this is
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: what I will accept around my child. I will not
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: instill hate into my child. I will not instill bigotry
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: into my child. It's not enough to not be racist.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: I'm anti racist, you know, you want to be actively
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: anti racist, which means having very little tolerance for people
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: who behave that way unless they're willing to work on it,
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: you know, and they obviously don't seem like they are.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: So my advice to you is not coming from a mother,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: it's coming from a person. I would literally threatened them
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: seeing their grandchild unless they actually started having healthy conversations
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: about what is happening, you know, That's what I would do.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: And that's not the right decision because I'm probably a
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: lot of parents would argue because they don't want to
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: take their kids away from their grand parents. But think
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: about what your parents are offering to them, you know,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: is that relationship important to you because it's important to you,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: or is it important to your grandchild? Well, and I
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: don't want it to get to the point where I'm
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: not comfortable leaving my child alone with them because I'm
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: afraid of what they're going to say when we're not
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: around either, right. I think it's the presentation, right, because
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: they think you're a liberal, a snowflake, and that you're
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: super sensitive and you care too much about everybody and blah,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: blah blah. That's not a bad thing. It's only seems
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: like a snowflake thing when people are emotional about it,
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: right when they're when there's emotion in the conversation. So
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: if you could leave the emotion aside and talk about
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: the practicality of like the world that your daughter is
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: going to grow up in versus the world your parents
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: grew up in, and how she needs tools to live
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: in that world and to respec act everybody in that world.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: They taught you to grow up respecting people, right, Like
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: that's something you can bring up. Am I supposed to
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: teach her not to respect black people and brown people
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: or immigrants, Like there's no Christianity in that, and there's
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: no democracy in that. That's just not human like good
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: natured nous. It's just not so any discriminatory behavior, and
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: even saying it is not acceptable in your presence, even
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: saying it, because you know, I I won't allow myself
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: to be around anybody who speaks in that way about
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: women or about marginalized groups. I will not be in
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: that situation and not say something. And that is my
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: commitment to being anti racist, not just being against racism.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: So you literally just took every thought out of my
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: head and presented it, because there is no excuse anymore
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: for this sort of conversation to be going on unless
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: the conversation is how to progress or thoughts and feelings
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: that you've had and you want them challenged. Like obviously
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: your family is very set in their ways on both sides,
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: so it's hard because you don't really have a safe
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: haven when you're with your extended family. You never know
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: who you're going to get it from. But positioning it
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: as a decision you're making on behalf of your daughter
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: will force them to rethink how they're going to communicate
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: because if that relationships mean anything to them, if that
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: relationship means anything to them, they will have to adjust.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: And I come from the Midwest, so I'm in the
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: same position as you are, where it's a very specific
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: mindset and thought process in regards to anyone unlike you.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: Any difference in someone is something that's not okay and
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: that's not embraced. So I feel for you. I mean,
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: these conversations are really fucking annoying to be having with
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: the current landscape, Like you need to get on board,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: but you have to have it. You need how you
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: need to go into these things very direct and transparent
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: with how you're feeling and what you're thinking. That it's
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: not okay, and you should show them my documentary on
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: and called Hello Privileges Meet Chelsea. There's a four women
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: from Orange County who sound exactly like your parents, who
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: were arguing with me about why they think, you know,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: it's inappropriate for black people to have any sort of
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: advantage at this point, like affirmative actions wrong. We shouldn't
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: be giving black people any sort of upper hand. And
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: it's like, that's actually exactly what we have to do
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: because we've had the upper hand for so many, so
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: many years. It doesn't matter that we weren't here during
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: that time, or that our ancestors were here during that time.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: We're still benefiting from the system that is subjugating people
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: of color. We are still benefiting from it. So of
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: course there's something for us to do. And your work
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: is with your family and your in laws. What's your
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: husband's stance on like the status of your relationship, Like
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: have you thought about withholding your grandchild from them? I mean,
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: I really hope it doesn't come to that. But we
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: literally just moved back from being gone for four years too,
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: And I guess it just caught us off guard that
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: it had gotten so heightened because these weren't actually conversations
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: that were being had when we lived here before. And
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: so in my point of view two and my when
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: I brought that up to my husband, that just made
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: me uncomfortable with that comment. I was like, if we
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: were black, or we adopted a black child, or if
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: our daughter had a disability, wouldn't we want them represented
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: on TV being stood up for by big groups that
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: could actually make a change Like that would be really
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: important to us and our families argumentatively if our daughter
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: was in that situation. But because we're removed from it
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: for some reason, they think it's okay to make those comments.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: And I think we're just caught off guard that there's
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: that big disconnective. We did grow up in church. How
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: is that loving people? How is that being kind or
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: even just a good citizen where you're living? It's not
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: right right there. I mean, church is a great place
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: to start, because these people can hang their hat on
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: religion and Christianity and then discriminate against people that is
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: not godly. That is not what that religion is about.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I've looked into it. So I think you really have
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: to have like a real come to Jesus with them
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: and be like, these are the rules. Are are you
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: going to be able to follow them? If not, I'm
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: so sorry, but I can't have my child around you,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: Like I really, I I tough love in this situation,
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: I think is I would say to do that. They're
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: still having a hard time grasping the concept because this
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: is also something that I've seen with white people. There's
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: like a missing cog somewhere that they can't quite grasp
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: why you have to be anti racist that it's not
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: just about keeping the comments yourself. It's about acting on
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: behalf of other people and like being vocal when you
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: see racism, and you need to remind them that there's
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: a very famous person in history who had the sort
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: of viewpoint and mindset about people with a difference, and
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: that was fucking Hitler. No one wants to be compared
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: to Hitler. So the next time you hear your dad
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: or father in law saying something, to be like, oh
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: you know what, that sounds exactly like Hitler with the Jews,
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: Like is that how you want to come across? Is
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: that how you want to be represented with that sort
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: of mind conditioning. No, no one wants that sort of association,
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: so that will really make them think. I mean also
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: the idea that you know, like it's just in dispute
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: putable to go over the statistics of how many black
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: men have been shot in the back of the head
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: or in the back running away from cops who ended
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: up having no weapons on them, Like I'm sure your
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: parents would be like, well, they should have just complied,
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: or even if you don't comply, a officer's job is
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: not to escalate the situation. It's to de escalate the situation.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: So there's more proof in the putting of the statistics
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: of what's happening disproportionately to black men being murdered by
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: police officers. That is the root of racism. And how
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: could any man or woman not have a problem with
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: kids being killed by police officers? How could you know?
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Husband's an athlete, he runs, so when that black woman
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: last year got shot running in his own neighborhood, literally
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: brought two s my eyes because looked at my husband.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like, you can go running any goddamn time and
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: I never have to worry about you. Like, how is
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: that fair that citizens in their own neighborhood are not
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: safe just because of the color of their skin like that.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: It's one how is this still an issue? And it
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: shouldn't be. And I don't want that to be an
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: issue for our daughter ever. No, no, no, no, And
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: it won't because your daughter is going going to grow
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: up in a completely different world. And I think people,
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: you know, older people are just so stuck. They just
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: don't see the whole picture and they can't. People don't
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: like change, and Katie, that's that's the world that you
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: create and maintain for her. So again, as harsh as
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: it may seem like, you have to do what's right
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: for your family, and if that means withholding those interactions
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: to make sure she is growing up in that space
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: where there's inclusion, like, that's what you have to do.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: It's not a position anyone wants to be in, but
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: it's your responsibility as a parent to guide her and
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: keep her safe and surrounded and with people who have
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: an outlook more aligned with the world that she will
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: be living in. Yeah, you should also if I don't
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: know if your parents would read a book about this,
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: but probably not. But yeah, okay, so you can recommend it, well,
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: you should Recast by Isabel Wilkerson. That's a great book
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: for anyone to read because it really gives you a perspective,
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: like a thirty thousand foot perspective from so many examples
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: of racism, how it lives on in this country and
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: what black people go through in an original way. And
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: it also actually compares, you know, what they did in
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: the American South. It shows that the Nazis and Hitler
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: studied American South and what Jim Crow did during that
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: time and all the laws that they did to separate
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: and segregate black people from white people with swimming pools
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: and eating and busses, and that the Nazi studied that
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: because they thought, oh America's got it. How do we
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: discriminate against Jews in this way? So they studied the
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: American South. So Nazis studied America and people don't know that.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: I didn't know that until I read that book to
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: get a blueprint of how to discriminate. So we are
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: the kings of it, you know, we did it in
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: the grossest way possible. So I think that, Yeah, you
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: really have to get your thoughts together in a letter
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: or a conversation I know, I can tell that you're
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: sweet and nice and emotional, So you might want to
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: write a letter because as sometimes I feel like when
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: I make an argument, I just want to leave the
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: emotion out of it, you know, put your facts down
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: or what you're going after, Because are you willing to
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: actually take your daughter away from them and their relationships
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: with her? If if those type of conversations continue to happen, Absolutely,
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: because it just it's so uncomfortable and I never want
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: a my daughter speak that way. I would be horrified,
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: and I don't think that's fair to her to be
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: put in that situation either, because it is negligent today
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: to not try to change your point of view or
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: at least just don't speak that way. Like if I
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: can't change their mind, I can't change their mind. But
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: the boundary is don't speak that way in front of
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: me or my daughter. Yeah, yeah, that's a good place
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: to start. And then once you have that agreement, you know,
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: I'm sure, I mean they're obviously gonna say yes, they're
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: not gonna be like, oh, we can't not be racist
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: around your daughter. But once you have that agreement, it
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: allows you a new platform to kind of grow from right.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: So then you have a new understanding and that's your baseline,
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: and then you can work towards little small things, you know,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: acts of kindness on your your behavior can demonstrate your
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: anti racism without imploring their anti racism, right Like, you
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: can't make them be anti racist, but you can show
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: them what you're doing to be anti racist, so that
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: they're seeing that demonstration over and over again. And that
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: is a way to get through to people, not necessarily
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: by trying to convince them, but just showing how you're
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: going to operate in your life from now on. Sure,
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: so I think that would be a good fresh start.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: You have the conversation, do it with your husband, write
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: a letter to from both of you or an email,
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: whatever you're into, and and have it be from both
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: of you. You have to be a unified front for sure,
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: and you can either have the conversation or write it
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: and and just say these are the rules. Let me
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: know if you guys want to move forward. We love you,
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: we would love for you to have a part in
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: our daughter's life. And we've been gone for four years.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: We'd hate to miss another four. But we're not We're
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: not going to be accepting of this behavior. Yeah, that's
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: accepting of this behavior is a good way to that. Okay,
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: and keep us most did okay, let us know how
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: it goes. Okay, thanks for calling, Katie. I feel for you.
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: I know what. Yeah, I am so glad. I don't
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: have any something fucking Trump supporters in my family. I
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: mean at this point, uh, don't even get me started.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Conversation just fucking annoyed the ship out of me. Not
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: because of her, it's just like, I just don't understand
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: how this is still and why do you? You know,
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: the question debate, why are you what's your problem with it? Like?
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: What is the resistance to Black Lives Matter? How is
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: it hurting you? Like? What is it you? Well, because
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: the right perpetuates all of these conspiracy theories and all
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: of these lies about oh that leads to looting, and
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: then everybody's you know, it's it doesn't lead to looting.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: That's like, that's not a big part of the Black
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: Lives Matter movement. Those are extremists that are on the
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: left or who knows where they are, but those are extremists.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: That's a small percentage of people, so that you use
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: whatever excuse they want. They can say, well, why don't
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: black black people are getting shock because they don't comply
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: with the police. Punishment for not complying with the police
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: isn't getting at Nobody deserves to get murdered. So like,
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: look at fucking Kyle Rittenhouse, that little white asshole that
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: went up and and he was a white guy. Nobody
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: shot his ass. They calmly took him into custody. I mean,
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: after he killed people. I don't know how you how
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: you argue the facts and the evidence in these scenarios
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: where black people are disproportionately executed. Because Republicans don't like
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: the word disproportionately, they think that doesn't make you know,
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: they'll argue anything they say it's not true. They have
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: no facts to back up their data, and the facts
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: that they do get are usually fake because the right
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: has all these like fake news things going on all
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: the time. When they call us fake news, talk about
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: projecting anyway, my blood pressure is going up less anyone
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: else who's dealing with us. Just to wrap that part up,
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: anyone else who's dealing with us or has to have
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: those conversations I've had them. If you have a racist
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: family member, your only choice is to stand your ground
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: and make that decision that you will not engage. That's it.
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: It's hard, but you need to do it well, not
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: in age or stand your ground, because standing your ground,
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: I think does mean engaging to a degree like saying
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: this is no longer acceptable to me, like you, this
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: is not an acceptable dialogue that we're going to have.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: You can present Hey, you can make this change and
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: we will continue. And if you don't, you have to
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: exit those relationships that you're not going to provide you
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: anything beneficial. Like that sort of mindset is not okay. Yeah, well,
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of people really struggle with exiting
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: from their familial relationships. I'm for it, and see I
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: don't have that issue, that's why, right, right, nor do
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: I so. But the thing, I mean, she did say
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: she was gone for four years, so in the four
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: years when Trump was president. It's like these people were
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: indoctrinated by the right wing media and these conspiracy theories.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: I mean, seriously, what is your problem with Black Lives
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: Matter people defending themselves peacefully is that they're convinced it's
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: not peaceful, that everything is an architect of the left,
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: and you know, and over liberal people and we're allowing
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: black people to loot like they form this narrative. But
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: if they have been convinced of this ideology, then they
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: can be convinced of a different like if they were
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: gone for four years and they learned this exactly. So
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: if you're swayed like that, then you can be unswayed.
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: I would argue, I just never give up everyone when
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: it comes to this topic. I don't give up on people.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: I will send you books, I will get no response.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: If you said something that I don't like, that sexist
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: or racist, I will follow up and make sure that
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: your views are changing, and if they're not, I won't
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: give up until you are extremely patient. I have no
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: patience or tolerance for it, Like I just can't have
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: the conversation, but you do, and you will continue to
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: have that as long as you see some sort of
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: growth or challenge to their Well. It's like what even
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: white guys who think they're progressive aren't. They think they are,
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: but they're still sexist and they're still racist. And it's
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: true because it's not even it's not even your fault.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: You've internalized it. You it's been passed down. Yes it's
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: and it's it's been taught and you know, and we've
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: been learning this our whole lives. So it's not your fault,
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: but it is your fault if you don't do anything
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: to correct it and to dismantle it. And I've noticed
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: that too. My friend who was like, oh, it's reverse
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: discrimination with women, now, it's like, what, Like, that's not
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: the way you can think about that. We've been discriminated
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: again since the beginning of time. So there's going to
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: be a little leg room where we're going to get
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: some advantages. I don't know how straight women are dealing
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: with straight men. I don't know either. I mean, I'm gonna, yeah,
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: we've already gone over this, but obviously I'm gonna have
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: to start sucking women. You know, I'm in full support
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: of that. It really does turn me on when I
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: see you get so worked up over political issues and
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: racism that like you will not back down like you
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: and you are so impassioned by it when you're talking,
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: it's like, oh, like I could listen to you speak
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: on the subject, and then I think you could listen
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: to me speak about a lot of things. I could
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: you could read me the phone books so romantic our
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: next mission comes from Marissa. She's from Connecticut. She's thirty.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm currently in a gray area
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: with a recovering alcoholic. Last October, he got his second
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: to you hy and has been clean, sponsored and in
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: therapy since. I'm skepticals to remain with this person for
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: fear that he may potentially relapse or, like other addicts,
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: find a different addiction. We were together for ten years,
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: and the d u I pushed me off the edge.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: He seemed determined to stay away from alcohol, and I
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: do still love this person. Should I walk away completely? Mersa? Marissa,
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: what's going on? How are you? I'm well, thank you?
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: How are you? I'm good. I like your lavender walls. Cute,
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: thank you. This is my office in my house. Nice cute.
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: Thank you. So you've been with your guy for ten years? Yeah,
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, if you're counting right now, it's more like
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: ten and a half. Well, nobody's counting a half a
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: year or so, don't worry at So, yeah, we had
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: just celebrated our ten year anniversary last September, and a
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: week after that the d o I happened. So that's
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: we've been in a kind of gray area ever since?
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: So has it been? Was that his first dui or
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: a second dui? That's that was the second dui? And
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: when was the first one? That was earlier in the relationship.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: It was either the first or second year we were dating. Okay,
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: so at least he went like nine years between the two. Right,
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: ideally he would never get another d u I again.
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: But right, yeah, what are the conditions of his drinking? Like,
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: is this like he's out for a night with his
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: buddies and then just happens to getty dui? Or does
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: he have a problem He has a problem. Of course,
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: you could make the point that any time there are consequences,
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: that means the person has a problem. But you know
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: what I mean, Yeah, I mean since the night of
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: the second du i, he has not drunk. He recognizes
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: that he does have a problem, he has taken steps
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: to not drink, and he has a sponsor. He's in therapy.
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: So far, so good. I mean, but our relationship prior
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: to that, like a year prior, it was not well
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: because he was just he had always drank, but it
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: just got to the point where it was sloppy, slurring,
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: falling down the stairs, just every night, and it was
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: just embarrassing, like in front of his parents, two friends, families.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: It was just a lot to deal with. And how
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: long has he been sober? Now? About six or seven
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: months now because it was last October, right, So I
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: have your feelings for him changed? I mean they had,
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: they had changed a little bit even prior to the
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: d O. I just because like with the alcohol and everything,
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: I had kind of been like done. I would say,
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: I'm not really done at this point. If he could
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: stay clean, if he could stay sober, then I feel
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: like this relationship can be successful. But I'm still skeptical
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: because I mean, he's an addict, so I don't know.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: Addics relapse. Addics do relapse, but addics also get clean
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: and stay clean, and sometimes it takes a couple chances,
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: you know, And if you are willing to see it through.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: Do you have children? I do not. Oh well there
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: you go a total bonus around, so you don't have
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: to deal with that and those decisions related to your children.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: I mean that already is like a victory lapse. So
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: pat yourself on the back for not having any children.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: I am so that you don't have to tell them
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: their dad got to d u I when they're older.
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: But I think you should give him another chance. I
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: think you your heart is in it, right, You're just
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: you're obviously it's not a beautiful turn on to see
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: somebody wasted, slurring, falling down the steps. But real love
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: is kind of looking. That's not who he really is, right,
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: that's not who he is when he's wasted. Who he
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: really is is a different person. And it sounds like
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: he's taking all the steps that he could possibly take
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: to get there, right right, Like I'm just worried, Like
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: if he gets a third du I, like, that's it,
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: he loses his license forever. I know. But you can't
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: think about if he gets a third d u I.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: You have to think about supporting his sobriety and being
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: there for him and him taking the steps on his own.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: You can't think about what if that's not going to be.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: That's not helpful in moving forward, that's helpful and staying stuck.
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: So you have to think positively and move forward positively,
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: like this is it, he's well, and you take it
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: one day at a time. He's going to meetings is
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: the term, I know, sweetheart, to a meetings. I gotta
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: do you. I once too, I had to go to
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: a meetings for that, but you know what, I didn't
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: get a fucking second, do you. I got one when
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: I was twenty one, and then I never got one
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: again and now I have a driver. So um. So yeah,
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: I think you should stick it out. It sounds like
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: you love him and you want to stick it out,
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: and you're just kind of letting that narrative of what
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: if control your attitude about the situation when you should
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: flip that and you and look at all the work
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: he's done in six months, and as long as he's
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: staying serious about being sober, then you should be serious
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: about staying with him, right. Yeah, I'm glad to hear
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: you say that. And I knew that you yourself had
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: just the one d U I. So I was curious
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: as to what your opinion with me. Well, like, I
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: think everybody can funk up, right, they make mistakes, but yeah,
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: making them multiple times is not hot, So you kind
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: of can just you have people who change. Yeah, it's hot.
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: One can change. Yeah, And listen, you know he's only
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: in six months of sobriety. If he can do this
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: for another two years, can you imagine where he's going
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: to be in his life, and how much more secure
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: and self assured he's going to be an intern, how
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: secure you're going to be with the relationship once he's
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: proven more time to be sober. So yeah, I mean
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of addicts out there, so you know,
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: don't hold that against him as long as he's trying. Yeah,
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: he is. And you said that he's going to a
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: A and I know that they offer Alanan, which is
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: for those affected by alcoholics, and I've been to a
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: few of those meetings and it was actually really insightful
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: and helpful because it's such a process and for me
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: my mentality, which it seems like you're kind of spice, see,
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: and so in that moment you may be like this
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: is it like the next one? We're done? And it
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: is a process, So he may fall off the wagon again,
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: and it's about how he's correcting those things, Like we
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: can't hold him to never making another mistake, but how
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: he's going to keep correcting those mistakes and hopefully you know,
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: they say the first year is the hardest and that's
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: the largest margin of error, and then after that hopefully
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: less and less and less and him having a drink
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: and not getting drunk. That's not something that you want.
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: But sometimes people can catch themselves in their addiction like, oh, ship,
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: I really should not have done that. It broke their sobriety.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: But they know like I need to stay on track,
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: I need to get back to a meeting, I need
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: to do these things. So you being there to support
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: him could really make a world of difference. And how
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: he continues, you know, on his sobriety right, and this
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: time it is a little bit different because after the
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: first d u I, he's still drank afterwards, and now
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: he has stopped, and he never once said after the
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: first d u I, I'm done, I have a problem,
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: I'm going to stop, And now he has so well
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: it's almost like we need to kind of forget the
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: first d Y because he was twenty years old like that,
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: you know, everyone fucks up at that age. Now at thirty,
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: hopefully he's thinking like this is not how I want
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: to enter my third decade, like as a sucking drunk
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: getting a d u I, Like, I'm not in a
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: frat anymore, Like I need to get it together. Does
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: he know does he sense your ambivalence a little bit?
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: He does, and he did prior to the d U
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: I too because his parents actually saw him on a
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: sloppy day. His mom pulled me aside and asked me
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: if he gets this way often? And I was like,
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: I'm glad you saw this. Yes he does. So I mean,
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I think he has a great support system.
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: I'm with him. His parents. They saw him at his
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: worst and they support him as well, and they want
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: him to get better. I want him to get better.
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: So can I ask? Was this a decision that he
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: made himself after the d U Y or was it
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: an ultimatum from those around him? Did he know that
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: he wanted to be sober? He did. Yeah, he made
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: the decision himself, and I think he realized how much
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: of a funk up it was because I had told
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: him that night. I was like, I'll be I'll support you,
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: but I don't want to be with you right now,
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: like i'll be your friends. And we haven't really had
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: too much of a together discussion since then, but we
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: do still live together. It's it's kind of like business
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: as usual around here. Well, I think you should also
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: start talking to him a little bit more like about
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: your relationship and about the status of your relationship and say, like,
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: I really do. You have to let go of the
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: past a little bit, you know what I mean, and
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: live in the present moment and forget about his first UI.
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: Just focus on what's happening now, which is his sobriety right,
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: and you want to be there to support him, and
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: you want to reassure him that, like, you love this
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: part of him. You love that he's trying to stay sober.
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: You love that he's making the effort, that he's got
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: a sponsor, and these are all the reasons why you're
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: still here and that you do want to make this work.
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: Don't be afraid to communicate. People need it. People need
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: to be loved and hear that they're loved, especially when
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: they're going through this. You know, he's probably so scared
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: of losing you well and embracing the change in the
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: future with him rather than holding onto the past where
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: he always feels, Oh, I have to I have to
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: take accountability for it. But that doesn't allow for much
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: growth when you're constantly looking back at the stakes that
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: you've made. I think it's kind of about setting the
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: intention for the future and what that life could look like.
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: Together while he's sober, and that's going to be much
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: more of a reason for him to continue to stay sober. Chelsea,
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: when you had your d U I, did you have
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: a huge support system like your friends and family? Were
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: they supportive? Yeah? I mean no one took it that
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: seriously because I was so young and I was just
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: a party animal, right Like, so everyone's like, oh, I
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: can't believe it took this long for her to get
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: a d U. I like, obviously that was going to happen.
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: And my d U I story was a hot mess
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: because my mom had given me my sister's I D
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: to get a fake I D when I moved to California,
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: and my sister and my mom were both Mormon, right
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: they both My mom was Morman and then she converted
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: my sister. And so when I moved to California, I
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: was nineteen and I asked my mom for Shoshanna's i
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: D and my mom gave it to me and to
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: go so that I could party. My mom's like that
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: and this is Chelsea, she needs to party, like go here,
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: like anything to get me out of New Jersey. They're like,
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: you can have whatever you want anyway. When I got
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: pulled over. I gave them my sister's I D so
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: it was it turned into this entire like it turned
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: into me impersonating somebody else. So it took like a
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: d Y and made it ten times worse than a
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: d Y because I was, you know, drunk, and I
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: called the copy racist, mean while we were both white,
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: but he was probably racist anyway because anyway, So, yeah,
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: they were supportive. I had to go to d Y
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: class for many, many weeks, but my family was very supportive.
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: My mom was actually really upset with my sister for
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: getting so upset, and when she found out I was
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: impersonating her, she filed charges, like with the FBI or something,
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: and and so my family actually got mad at my sister.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: But that's also justin that's just our dysfunctional family and
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: and the fact that I was so manipulative. But you know,
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: I never I don't do that. You know, I'm not
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: like that. And I learned my lesson, and you know,
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: it was a young time to learn my lesson, but
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: I did. And I was like, it's not really about
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: you driving drunk. It's about your putting other people, innocent
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: people's lives a danger by It's not about are you okay?
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: Are you okay to drive? It's like are other people
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: okay on the road? You know? And what if something
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: else happens? What if somebody has an accident and you
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: don't have your wits about you and then you make
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: the accident. You know, you compound that ten times. Meanwhile,
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: I drive with you, so I know you're drunk driving
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: is probably not really terrified, right me. Sober driving is
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: pretty aggressive. So drunk driving is out of my repertoire now.
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: But I did learn my lesson, and I do believe
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: people change. I know that I've changed myself, and so yeah,
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: so I think we're good. I think you're gonna be okay, Merissa,
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: and I think your relationship is going to be okay.
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: I believe in him. Okay, thank you so much, Chelsea.
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: And don't forget to communicate. Talk to him about it, right,
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: don't make it his own thing or his own burden.
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: Be there with him, not like his only support. You
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: don't want to be his strongest ballast. I mean you
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: can be, but you want to just make sure he knows, like, yeah,
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: you're in this, because your tentativeness can also trigger his behavior. Right.
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: So you just want to be open about what you're
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: feeling and what you're thinking, even if it's sometimes unpleasant
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: to say. Just be like, I'm here, I want this
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: to work. YadA, YadA, YadA. Okay, okay. I appreciate your opinion.
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much. You're so welcome, Marissa, have a
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: great day. Thank you you as well. Bye. That sounded
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: That sounded like he's got very sound advice. It sounds
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: like he's going to get a ship together. I believe
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: people get their ship together. Hopefully some people do. You know,
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: we'll hear about it. I'm sure. Our next mission comes
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: from Marie from Ohio. She's twenty one. She's a baby.
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: Oh that's cute, She writes. Dear Chelsea, me and my
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: boyfriend have been together for five years and are looking
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: to get engaged soon. I'm twenty one and he's twenty
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: and we are entirely ready to start our lives together,
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: and this past year has tested us. We moved in
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: together despite his entire family and vising us not to
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: because of their religion. I thought it would be a
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: good trial run to see if we work together. It
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: was one of the most eye opening experiences and He
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: truly is my best friend. His family is not too
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: keen on us looking to get engaged, but we are
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: ready to start this next chapter of our lives. His
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: aunt sent us a Christmas card saying something along the
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: lines of, I hope one day you're kind enough to
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: explain your thought process on why you thought it was
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: a good idea to move in together without being married.
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: What a bit. Not only am I terrified to have
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: this conversation, but I'm terrified to tell them that him
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: and I have actually sinned together. I am assuming that
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: means head sex. How do I work my way around
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: this without coming off like a bit? I love their nephew, son, cousin,
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: and religion obviously doesn't stand in my way. But I
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: don't want to offend anyone and then become that family
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: member that everyone doesn't want at the Christmas party. Help me.
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: I love everything you do and I'm proud of you. Hi. Hi,
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: How good? How are you? I'm good? Okay, So you
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: moved in with your boyfriend. You guys have been together
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: since you were sixteen? Mm hmm. Did you see how
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: quickly I did that? Yeah, it's very quick, rain man,
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: And you've been with no one else since you were sixteen. Yeah, okay,
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: and you really love him and you want to marry him. Yes,
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: he's my best friend. He's everything that I've looked for
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: in my life. And I'm sorry, someone's calling. Oh that's
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: Joe KOI how annoying. Hold on, sorry about that. You're okay?
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: I love him? Oh you do. Yes, I'm Filipino too. Oh. Actually,
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: then he got him on the phone. Hey, Joe. Yeah,
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: but I'm talking to somebody who's Filipino. And I said, oh,
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: Joe Cooi's calling and she said, can you see him? Oh? No,
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: here he is, say hi, Hi Hi. She said she
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: was Filipino. And I was like, oh, that's Joe Koy
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: so annoying. I wish you would stop calling me. And
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: then she's like, oh, I love Joe Cord and I
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, well, then I'll answer. He's so cute.
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: He's my favorite. Yeah, we're doing the podcast. I have
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: to call. I have to Joe. Are you getting into drag?
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: Kill you? All right, we'll call you back. We'll call
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: you back, Okay, bye. He gets upset if I don't
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: say I love you. At the end of the phone call.
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not your girlfriend. But I have to
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: say it otherwise he'll call back. So okay, back to you, Marie.
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about this. First of all, you love him,
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: you're gonna be with him. I think you're way too
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: young to be with someone to get married. But listen,
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: I get it. If you love somebody and your heart
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: is set on it, then there's nothing you can do
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: to change that person's mind. And I would like to
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: support that. So that's the thing. I've never like wanted
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: marriage in my life, Like, I just don't. I don't
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: think you need labels or anything. But with his family
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: like pushing marriage before anything, Like I can't even go
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: on their family vacations without being married. I can't stay
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: the night of his like his family's house without being married.
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: Stuff like that. So that's why I'm like, Okay, so
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: marriages next for us, even though, like I don't like labels,
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: I think marriage is just a construct. Honestly. Yeah, Well
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't get married for his family, right, I mean,
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: that's not the reason to get married, because his family
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: is a bunch of right wing, radical religious assholes. You know.
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: That's that's where it gets to me every time the
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: religion tied to the Republicanism. It's like, really, that's that's anyway.
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: So Brandon, what do you think? Because I can already
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: feel my vagina clenching up from talking about this. I
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: just I love that you love him so much, but this,
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: I've all sisters younger than me. There's so much life
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: ahead of you, and when you're with someone from that
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: young age, it is very easy to have tunnel vision
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: on that person. And I am never someone who would
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: want to enter someone with the idea that divorce is
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: always an option. Enter someone and she's not just something
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: we bring that into it. She can't even enter each
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: other when they're at the family's house. There's a workaround
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: because they've sent together. Isn't that right? Yes, just never
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: in the presence of anyone else. So I would encourage
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: you if I were giving this advice to my sister
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: is to stay with him, you know, be happy for
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: in that relationship. You guys are both so babies, and
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: it doesn't seem like that because you're like, no, but
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: we've been neither for five years. There's you have so
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: much life ahead of you that you're going to change
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: and evolve, and hopefully you can do that together, But
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: getting married to solve an issue with his family is
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: not the solution. It's possible like resentment building later, because
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: that's almost like indoctrinating you. Right, you're adhering to their
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: rules for their system of rules, and you have your
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: own set of rules. You're an individual. You seem like
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: a smart, like sharp young lady, and based on what
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: you said, the label does not make the relationship. And
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: so you can't let someone force you into a situation
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: where you feel like you have to do something. If
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: your relationship is happy and healthy as it is right
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: now as a couple, you guys should be able to
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: find a way to keep that momentum going without the
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: influence of outside sources making you feel like you need
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: to operate in a certain way. Look at Goldie Han
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: and Kurt Russell. Yeah, look at them together for so
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: long and they're still boyfriend and girlfriend. I see them
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: a lot, and they are they are, Yeah, they love
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: each other and they have a hot, fiery relationship and
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: yeah they've never been married. That's probably why they're still together. Definitely.
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: So I would never want someone to feel like they're
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: forcing you into situation or that's a situation you have
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: to accept like I just look at you, and I
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: just see like my little sister, and it's just not
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: it's not okay to force women into this sort of
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: position where even though you love him and I'm sure
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: we'd be happy to be married, it's not really a
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: choice you would make based on what you said on
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: your own intention. Yeah. Yeah, And I guess you know
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: it's up to him to figure out how he wants
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: to deal with his family and family vacations. But you
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: know I would. I like tough love. That's why I
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: like just going. Sorry, neither of us are coming then,
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: you know, like we're fucking adults. Were twenty one years
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: old at this point, you can't. I mean, they probably
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: are still thinking of you since you've been together for
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: five years as little kids too. They're not seeing your
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: evolution or maturity necessarily because they're so stuck in their
• 54:56
  Speaker 1: own ideas of you. And so there's a way to
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: respectfully communicate these things, that that you are adults, and
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: that you are finding a way to make your relationship
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: work for you too, and that you don't have to
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: answer to his aunt or his uncle or his parents anymore.
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: If you guys are financially independent from them and able
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: to maintain your life together. That's all that matters. You
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: don't like, they can either get on board or not.
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: And hopefully they want to see you happy and we'll
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: get on board. But if not, you guys also have
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: to be okay with that. Yeah, that you're a unit
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: and now you guys are your own family essentially. Yeah,
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: you could be like it's a package deal. You either
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: get both of us or you get none of us.
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: What does he What does he think about this? What
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: does he think about his family? So he just went home.
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: We live like an hour and a half away from home,
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: so we don't get to see everyone. That often sounds
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: like that's a good plan, yes, And that's why things
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: have been like kind of spiraling, because I feel like
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: they think everything is happening so fast, but like in reality,
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: we've just been like living our own lives apart from them.
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: And then that's when we get the Christmas card from
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: his aunt. But he is in the same boat I am.
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: He's just like I hate that my family things like this.
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: I wish they didn't think like this. I wish they
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: took me more seriously because I think everything that we
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: do or say is just like, oh, you're a little young.
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: You're a little young. You don't know much yet, you
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like kind of pushing that faith
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: back onto him, even though from a young age she's
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: shown that there's definitely a divide there. Well, but I
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: think I feel like you're saying two different things though,
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: Like you're saying you're too like if you take the
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: marriage off the table, right, take that out, there's no
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: reason you need to get married, especially if it's for
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: his family. And you're twenty one, so like, you know,
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: even I understand you love him and everything, but why
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: not wait another five years till you're twenty five? Then
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: you'll know for fucking sure. Right, there's so many things
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: that haven't happened to you yet. And I know you're
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: not interested in hearing that because you're in love, and
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: I get that, But there are just so many things
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: that happened to our brain as we evolve as human beings.
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: As girls and boys, we developed differently. Our brains developed differently.
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: Our brains aren't even fully formed until we're like twenty
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: six years old for boys and some girls, Like there's
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: some things that aren't connected, you know, until we're in
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: our twenties, so it's important to give yourself the time
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: to not put yourself into situation like that, I believe,
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: and especially not for his family. So I think there's
• 57:25
  Speaker 1: a nice conversation you guys can have with them if
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: you can agree to say, like this, this is the deal.
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: We've been together a long time. If you guys can't
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: like understand that we're together, like, you know, maybe if
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: you take out the marriage thing or explain to them,
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: like the only reason we would get married is so
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: that we can sleep together at our when we're on vacation.
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: Is that what you guys want us to do? You know? Yeah,
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: that's true. It's just it's hard too because they think
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: we have a lot of faith in our lives. We
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: just have never had that conversation with them yet that
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: we are not following their footsteps. We are not going
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: to church every Sunday, we are not praying before bed.
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: So I think that's another situation that makes us very uncomfortable.
• 58:06
  Speaker 1: Then you need to have that conversation. Though, you know,
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: those uncomfortable conversations are important to have. It doesn't have
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: to be cantankerous either. You know, you don't have to
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: be yelling and screaming. You just have to say listen, like,
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: the world is changing, you know. Religion isn't what it
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: used to be. It's certainly not for us. We're not
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: doing these things, so us having to subscribe to your
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: idea of what we should be is completely an unfair
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: way for us to live. Write that down. That was love,
• 58:31
  Speaker 1: but that yeah, well an audio recording, so I can
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: just listen back to it. Okay, well, listen to this
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: and then write it down. Yeah, so I think that's
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: what you should say. That's good. Actually, yeah, that was
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: very helpful. Thank you. Alright, Marie, so let us know
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: what happens. Okay, I totally you've spoken to them at
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: some point, I will. Okay, thank you, Okay. I really
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: like Marie. I just don't think she's got the age
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: to get married. No, but she's gonna get married, so
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: there's nothing you can do about it. But yeah, I
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: mean twenty one getting married at twenty one? Do you
• 59:04
  Speaker 1: when you look at your life and if you're not
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: in your own life, it just seems idiotic. It is
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: like the first part of your life. There are like
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: fifty parts of life. Well maybe I guess let's say twenties,
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: one part, forties, another part, sixties a third part. But
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: when people are in love, they want to be together.
• 59:23
  Speaker 1: They don't see the macro, they see the micro. Yeah,
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: I appreciate that. I appreciate that for her, that she's
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: found someone she wants to do with. I just think
• 59:32
  Speaker 1: of my sisters during that age, and it's just there's
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: so much development that happens personally between twenty one and thirty. Yeah,
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: that's true. I mean, that's that's it's hard. I have
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: a niece that lives with her boyfriend and she's going
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: to get married, probably before any of us are ready.
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: But you know, we just have to suck it up
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: and let people live their own lives. Although you know,
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: if you're calling in to get advice, then we're going
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: to hopefully help you live a different life or or
• 59:55
  Speaker 1: take a step of bravery. But that whole situation is
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: just you know, she's got to deal with multiple components,
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: religion being the most annoying one. All right, well we
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: have more to cover, but let's take a quick break.
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: We're just breaking up families left and right. It's like,
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: if you want to break up with somebody, please write
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: in or call us because we can help you do it.
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: We can help you set boundaries. Break up, you need
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 1: to lose a family member, partner, you want to break
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: up with your spouse, a friend, a family member. No, no,
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: breakup is awful. Limits, it's our real house. I air
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: on the side of really just telling everyone to go
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: funk themselves. You're a little bit more diplomatic, although with
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: your mother you're very harsh. I mean, I but I
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: get it, I get it. I respect. Did you watch
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: The Gypsy Rose Hulu with Patricia Arquette. Yeah, yeah, again,
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: that is very reminiscent of my mom, who like made
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: us believe things were going on that we're not going on,
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: that there were dynamics being built. I mean, she's just
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 1: sucking nuts. I love her, I do. And that's the
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: moral of the story is you can love someone from
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: afar and want the best for them and not interact
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: with them. A religion is just so annoying when people
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 1: are so religious that they try that they expect other
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 1: people to follow that religion. It's just like that's the
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: opposite of what religion is is like loving all human beings,
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: no matter what they believe in or what they think
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: as long as they're kind and not discriminatory. Understand, I
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 1: don't just filtered through and like people just pick what
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 1: they want from it. Whatever is convenient to their narrative
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: is what they'll choose. When I was in high school
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: and the pastor who I went to church every Sunday,
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: and I remember there never being any like scripture present
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: or any sermon about adultery because he was constantly cheating
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 1: on his wife. So it's like that type of ship.
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 1: It's like, oh my god, it's just so annoying. And
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: my time there's any sort of sanctimony or righteousness, self righteousness,
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: it's always right, like it's always because it's like they're
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: not practicing what they're preaching at all. And no, I
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: just have so the straw that broke my back with religion,
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 1: and I grew up going on mission trips, and I
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 1: think that there is something like I like the idea
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: of going to church for the fundamentals, treat your neighbor
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 1: how you would want to be treated. And again that's
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 1: like what people do not practice unless it's convenient to them.
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 1: But when we moved here, I made leave. I go
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: to a church is called mosaic and it's in like
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: the center of kind of like Hollywood, and it's very
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 1: like the young group. It's quote unquote like cool and leave.
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 1: I did not grow up in church. So he did
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 1: not want to go, and made him go, made him
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 1: do the donation, the whole bit, and he was like
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: fucking annoyed. He got home because he's like, Okay, the
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: music was fine, Like if this is something you're really
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 1: serious about, like I will go with you on Sundays.
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 1: That's nice. Yeah, it was great. I would never do
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 1: that for a partner. He So then he started researching it.
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: The pastor who does the sermons for a very diverse congregation,
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 1: so like a lot of LGBT people, a lot of
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 1: people of color, there were some as people. There was
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 1: listed on like Joel Olstein's Top Southern Baptists Preachers and
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 1: had a sermon where he basically said that God's gift
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: was aids to eliminate gay people. And I'm like, how
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: can you be the pastor of a congregation and be,
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 1: you know, very persistent about making a donation with gay
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: people in the audience and then simultaneously be going and
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 1: doing these sermons basically saying like we should all be
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: wiped out. I mean, it's just it's so convoluted. Religion
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: is very opportunistic, I know, I know it very it's
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: it's it's upsetting too because it's the root of all
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 1: it's the root of all war and discrimination. You know,
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 1: religion persecution. It's just religious persecution, all of it. You know,
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: it's very hard. All you want is to be loving
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: and accept people and have compassion, and that can't Christianity
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: cannot involve you saying you don't like the Black Lives
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 1: Matter movement. You can't be a Christian and say that
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 1: you have a problem with that. How is that Christian
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: people defending themselves peacefully, protesting, peacefully saying we want to
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 1: be treated equally. We don't feel like we're being treated equally.
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: When somebody says they don't feel like they're being treated equally,
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: it's not your decision to tell them, yes, you are. Well.
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: People just love to take up an opposition as well
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 1: as what I found, when there's a cause going on,
• 1:04:21
  Speaker 1: if it isn't inclusive to them in the way that
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 1: it's not about them, they'll take an opposition. So because
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 1: it's Black Lives Matter, they're just like, well, I'm white.
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 1: I'm not including this. Well you fucking could be. You
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 1: could be out there marching with your black and brown
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 1: counterparts and showing support. But because it's not about you,
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: you take the opposition, you take whatever stance is not
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 1: what to me. I guess the black lives matter because
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: of where we are is the popular movement is like
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 1: people should be involved in being inclusive, but it's not
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 1: everywhere in America. I have a thing with men. Sometimes
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 1: I think men are hopeless because of the behavior they've
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 1: necessar for the last five thousand years. But I have
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 1: a thing with women, Like I don't get how a
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: woman could not a mother, someone who's a parent and
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: a mother, ever be okay with anyone else's child being
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 1: shot in a school or being shot by police. You know,
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: I don't understand how mothers can't get behind that, like,
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 1: oh my god, your child was stolen from you. People
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 1: are so self involved they don't see their children in
• 1:05:24
  Speaker 1: those other kids. They don't see that. They think that's separate, right,
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 1: that's not their kids, Like, that's that's a non issue
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: for them because it's not going to happen in they're
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: all white school, Like that's they don't associate that with
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 1: their lives. That is the other. That's not my problem
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 1: when I say school shootings, I just bring that up
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 1: because it's a Republican thing. I don't mean that's the
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: same you know, it's not the same thing as Black
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 1: Lives Matter, But it's two Republican things, you know, not
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: having a problem with Black lives matter and thinking that
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 1: it's okay for mass shootings to happen in schools all
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 1: the time, it's okay to live in a country where
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 1: it's essentially a war zone. That's Republican. And why we
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: don't have kids. That's why we're not Republicans. I'm I'm
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 1: getting tired to I'm really going to need a margarita.
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 1: We're getting one, So don't worry about that, sweetheart. I
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 1: just don't want that girl to get married. Well I
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 1: don't want her to get married either, but you know,
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 1: like that's very difficult because I don't want a twenty
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 1: one year old girl to get married, Like, you don't
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: even know what's going to happen in ten years, Like
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 1: what you're going to be into. You don't realize how
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: young you're twenty one. I thought I fucking knew every
• 1:06:27
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I am an adult. There is nothing anyone
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 1: can tell me. And now I look back at that,
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 1: I was like, I was so naive to what life
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 1: really looks like. I still feel like a baby sometimes
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 1: I'm thirty one. Well, twenty one, I was king. I
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 1: I once keyed my ex boyfriend's car because he broke up,
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 1: and then I got drunk, went over to his house
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 1: and opened the door. I had a key to his house,
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 1: and there was a woman in his bed, and then
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 1: I ran out and I keyed his car. That's what
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: I was doing when I was twenty one. You know,
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: I haven't keyed somebody's car in a really long a month.
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 1: I should keep my Bill's car, so you just have
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 1: to buy our a new one, so it'll really just
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 1: be another expense. Well, we covered racism, we covered religion,
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: We covered yeah, yeah, wow. Heavy topics. Much heavier than
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: I anticipated. This podcast is a little bit heavier than
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 1: I had anticipated it would be. Luckily, there are personal
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: stories to weave through to keep it light. But I mean,
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 1: I wasn't expecting this level of seriousness. But I welcome it,
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: and I welcome a challenge, and I want to help
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 1: people and I love everybody who's written in and I
• 1:07:35
  Speaker 1: really want to support you. So we're just gonna keep
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 1: it moving and keep it rolling and just accept whatever
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 1: comes our way. Also, I am on tour. My tickets
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 1: are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows.
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: We're going to be announcing dates as we go. You
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 1: can buy tickets a ticket master for my shows. I'll
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: be playing my next big show, I'm at the Santa
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: Barbara Bowl August one, so you can come see me there.
• 1:08:00
  Speaker 1: And then I have all the other cities that I
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 1: have already released and tickets are available and I can't
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: fucking wait. It's called vaccinated and a horny, So make
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 1: sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horny nows
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 1: and then keep them to yourself. Please, do you or
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 1: someone you know need advice on any subject, literally anything.
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 1: You can send your submission to Dear Chelsea Project at
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 1: gmail dot com Aslama lacam baby