Latest / Unlocking The Paradigm Portal / Be Real, Not Nice: Fundamentally Unlovable. | The Unlovable Wound (Generational Wounds Series)

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Be Real, Not Nice: Fundamentally Unlovable. | The Unlovable Wound (Generational Wounds Series) · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

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  Good morning. Welcome back to unlocking the
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  Paradigm portal. My name is Sarah, so this week I
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  am pushing the envelope a bit. If you haven't noticed, I'm
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  diving heavy into generational wounds.
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  Monday we talked about the unworthy wound that turns your
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  exhaustion into your identity. Did that one land?
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  Let it settle. Let everything settle and don't
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  rush past it. Sit with it.
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  Feel it. Recognize the discomfort.
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  That's a place to grow. And I'll be honest, today's is a
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  lot harder and it is a personal one for me.
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  It has been, I've actually worked through it for the most
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  part. But the we'll call them the
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  echoes from the past have been kicking my ass.
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  And let me tell you, I have tried to record this 12 times
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  today, 12 times. And every time something has
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  gone completely haywire sideways.
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  I've had a coughing fit. The traffic outside is bonkers.
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  The the neighbors dogs won't stop barking.
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  It just keeps, I keep fumbling because this one was my own
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  personal wound that quite literally dropped me to my knees
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  in my kitchen years ago before I started all of my attachment
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  work. So I'm going to just fumble
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  through this and if I fumble, roll with it, whatever I'm not
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  doing. This is take #13 So we're just
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  going to go with it. This is the unlovable wound, the
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  one that says that you are too much and you are not enough, and
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  you are the kind of person that people eventually leave.
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  It's super fun. And this one, it's quiet and it
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  is freaking vicious. It is, frankly, it's insidious.
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  So we're just going to dive in. You've probably never fully let
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  anyone in if this wound is impacting you, not that you're
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  aware of it. And you probably rarely, if
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  ever, let anyone see the real version of you.
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  Like the unedited one with the contradictions and the needs and
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  the parts you've decided are too much or too weird to put on the
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  table. So you let people see the
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  curated version, the mask, the one that is palatable, safe
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  enough to be loved. You probably have two sides to
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  you, the real one that hides because you feel like it's just
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  going to be rejected, and the fake one that is that exterior
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  veneer that you let people see. And when people love this
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  curated version, this mask, this exterior self, it doesn't quite
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  hit the mark, does it? And that's because underneath
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  the performance of being fine, underneath all of that is that
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  underlying belief that if the person actually knew you like
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  the real you, they would go. They would take off.
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  So you keep a distance that looks an awful lot like
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  closeness. You probably become an expert at
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  feigning closeness and you stay just far enough inside of
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  yourself that when the leaving happens and you are absolutely
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  certain that it will, you can say you saw it coming.
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  You can say it's fine, but it's not fine and it didn't start
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  with you. You may think you've been
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  protecting yourself from being hurt, but in reality, think
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  about this. Have you been protecting others
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  from the version of you that you decided is too much to be loved?
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  That, my friends, is the wound talking, not the truth.
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  And the unlovable wound is this core belief that real sustained
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  love, like the kind that sees you and and stays with you and
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  chooses you every single time, is not available to you.
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  And not because of circumstances, but because of
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  something essential in who you are.
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  It is bone deep. It's different from the unworthy
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  wound. So the unworthy wound says I
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  have to earn my place. But the unlovable wound goes
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  further. It says even if I perform
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  perfectly, the love that comes back still won't last because
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  the problem isn't what I do, it's who and what I am.
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  It is visceral. It is a sucker punch, let me
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  tell you. And it shows up as push pull
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  dynamics. And you want closeness
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  desperately. But the moment someone gets
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  close enough that their opinion actually matters, you either run
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  or you start testing and you create small disasters to see if
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  they'll stay. And you push right at the edge
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  of the relationships limits to find out if it will hold.
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  Because being blindsided by an ending is the thing that your
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  nervous system believes it cannot survive.
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  So you manufacture the crisis, and you control the exit before
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  it can sneak up on you. It's like a controlled
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  detonation. But the crazy thing is, you
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  probably don't even realize that's what you're doing.
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  Or you go the opposite direction and you become the perfect
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  partner, the perfect friend. You anticipate every need,
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  smooth every rough edge. Make yourself indispensable.
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  Because if you are necessary enough, maybe they won't leave,
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  and if you are useful enough, maybe that can substitute for
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  lovable. But here's what makes this wound
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  particularly brutal. It is self confirming.
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  The distance that you keep creates the disconnection that
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  you feared. The testing strains the
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  relationship until it breaks and the over functioning breeds
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  resentment. And every time something ends,
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  the wound says ha. See right there, proof.
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  Oh the unlovable wound does not wait to be proven right.
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  It engineers the evidence and then it calls that evidence
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  reality. It's self gaslighting.
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  And where did it come from? Let's go back.
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  Just like on Monday, the generational map before I get
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  there. There is no judgement, no shame
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  and no blame. Those are my 3 hard and fast
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  rules. No breaking that.
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  Got it. We are scientists observing
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  patterns. That's it.
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  So as always, this wound did not originate with you, but it
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  travels differently than the unworthy wound.
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  So the unworthy wound gets passed through messages about
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  productivity, right? Well, the unlovable wound gets
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  passed through the quality of emotional presence.
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  What happened when you brought your full self into the room as
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  a child? And starting with the Silent
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  Generation, they loved their children, but the emotional
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  vocabulary of that era was essentially non existent, hence
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  the name Silent Generation. So they managed the logistics of
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  care, food, shelter, discipline, and that was considered the full
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  expression of love. Children who needed more were
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  told directly or through consistent withdrawal, that
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  their emotional needs were excessive and that being easier
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  to manage was the same as being loved.
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  Then come the boomers, and they inherited that template.
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  They understood more than their parents that children had
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  emotional needs but had no road map for meeting those needs
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  because no one had ever met theirs.
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  It's the blind leading the blind.
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  So love was conditionally present.
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  It's warm when you're easy and it's cooler when you're
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  difficult. And the message may not have
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  been spoken. It might have, but it may not
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  have been, and it was received. The hard to love parts of you
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  are the parts that Make Love go away.
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  And then we move into Gen. X Oh my lovely Gen.
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  X. And Gen.
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  X took all of that stuff from the Boomers in the Silent
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  Generation into the divorce epidemic of the 70s and the 80s.
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  And many Gen. X kids watched love end.
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  They watched families dissolve. And the wound for Gen.
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  X often looks like a bone deep conviction that permanence isn't
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  real, that love is temporary by nature, and that the smart move
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  is to expect the ending. So the wound showed up
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  differently with Gen. X.
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  It wasn't necessarily I am unlovable.
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  It's that love is not realistic and it doesn't stay.
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  It's like jaded around love, period.
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  So then we go to the millennials and they got the wound wrapped
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  in a paradox. So they were told that they are
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  special and beloved while raised during this intense outcome
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  focused parenting that prioritized achievement over
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  presence. A lot of millennials have their
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  boomer parents now. It's so funny.
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  I'm just going to side note this.
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  I'm noticing my throat is getting all clogged and gunky
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  and that for me is a sign of my own resedual wounding trying to
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  come up And like, shut me up. If you remember my first
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  Saturday or Sunday deep dive, I talked about how speaking and
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  using my voice, it would literally, I felt choked off.
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  And it's literally what happens when things hit a little too
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  close to home. So I apologize if I start
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  coughing. Oh, OK, where was I?
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  Millennials. Millennials.
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  Outcome focused parenting and it's all about achievement over
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  presence and love probably felt abundant in the abstract, but
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  like oddly thin, so to speak, in the specific.
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  And the message that they would have received is I am loved for
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  the version of me that succeeds. I'm not sure anyone would stay
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  for the version that falls apart and then we move on to Gen.
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  Z. Oh Gen.
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  Z, Oh no matter what anyone says, they have it so beyond
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  difficult. Gen.
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  Z is navigating this with 0 precedent because lovability is
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  now being publicly quantified in real time with followers and
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  comments and the algorithm deciding what gets seen.
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  And the curated self has become so normalized that the real self
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  has nowhere left to breathe. I have witnessed this with my
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  kids and with kids abroad. They, the mask, that's all they
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  know. Most of them really don't have
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  that solid sense of self inside. So the mass becomes what they
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  project out and who they truly believe that they are.
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  It's not, they're not even aware that they have this dichotomy.
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  It's really challenging to watch.
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  And This is why the mental health crisis with teenagers and
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  young adults is so tragic right now.
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  Anyways, that's a whole other side conversation.
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  So all of this is different contexts, different expressions,
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  but it's the same wound running underneath and it's the same
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  question, which is, am I the kind of person that someone
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  could actually stay for? So every generation answered
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  that question with the only tools that they had, and then
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  they pass their answer down before their children were even
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  old enough to know that they've received it.
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  And this unlovable wound, it doesn't announce itself.
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  Let me make that super clear. It operates in the background of
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  your daily choices, like a setting that no one has shown
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  you how to change, and it pops up like a sucker punch.
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  And it shows up in very subtle ways before that, in how you
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  edit yourself before you speak. You know that half second pause
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  when you assess whether what you were just about to say is too
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  much or too needy or too weird, and then you try to replace it
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  with something more acceptable. You've done it so many times it
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  probably doesn't even feel like you're editing anymore.
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  It just feels like speaking. And it shows up.
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  And how you handle conflict. So for some people, the wound
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  creates conflict avoidance so thorough that your actual needs
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  have become nearly invisible, not just to the people around
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  you, but to yourself. And you agree not because you
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  agree, but because disagreement feels like a test.
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  The relationship might fail, but then for others it runs the
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  opposite direction. So then conflict becomes the
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  testing ground. If someone can stay through me
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  at my most difficult, my most demanding, then maybe the
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  staying is real and the fighting is never really about whatever
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  the fight is about. It's about finding out if the
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  love has limits and the wound always suspects it does, so it
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  searches for them and it'll show up.
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  And how you receive love that you didn't earn, like random
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  affection, the spontaneous I love you, or the text that says
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  I was just thinking about you, It should feel good, right?
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  And it does, maybe briefly, but then that wound comes for it.
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  That freaking insidious wound comes out of the dark and
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  latches on, and it finds a way to explain it away, keeping it
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  at arm's length. Because if you let it all the
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  way in and it turns out to be temporary, the loss feels
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  catastrophic. So it's better to maintain the
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  distance. That was totally my jam, by the
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  way. I was so good at explaining
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  everything away. But it also can show up in
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  loneliness. And not the loneliness of
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  actually being alone, but the loneliness of being surrounded
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  by people who think that they know you while you know that
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  they only know the version that you let out.
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  The pretty one, the polite one, the just right one that you feel
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  is OK because they might like that more than the real you.
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  And it's the loneliness of being seen and still somehow not found
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  that's the loneliness of the unlovable wound.
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  It's not of being abandoned, it's of never fully arriving.
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  So here's the thing. The wound does not want you to
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  know. It is not evidence about your
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  nature. It is evidence about your
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  history. The belief that you are
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  fundamentally unlovable was formed in a specific context, a
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  family system, an attachment, dynamic moments in childhood
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  where your emotional needs were met with inconsistency or
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  withdrawal. The belief was a rational
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  response to that environment. And if the people who were
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  supposed to love me unconditionally had conditions
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  and limitations, then maybe the limitation is me.
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  But that is a child's logic applied to an adult's reality.
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  The child didn't have access to the fuller picture, the full
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  picture that the people who were supposed to love them
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  unconditionally were carrying wounds that they'd never
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  examined. Hell, they didn't even know that
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  examining them was an option. They didn't even know that they
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  existed. That's just what you did.
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  And the will with the excuse me there's a fumble, the
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  withdrawal. It wasn't about you being good
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  enough or worthy. The inconsistency was a symptom
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  of the parents unfinished work and their own deeply embedded
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  wounds, not an accurate assessment of what you as a
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  child deserved. And when you turn the light on,
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  when you look at the wound instead of letting it run around
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  like a little asshole in the dark, the 1st shift is that
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  locus of the evidence. The wound has been generating
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  evidence from inside your nervous system and calling it
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  objective reality. But the light lets you ask, is
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  this true or is this what I was taught to expect?
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  And the second shift is the possibility of something
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  different. The wound narrows your field of
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  vision and in the light you start to see what it's been
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  blocking the people who have been trying to reach you and
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  couldn't get all the way in because you wouldn't let them.
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  The love that was real and consistent, that the wound filed
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  away is temporary, pending further evidence.
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  This is not fast work. The wound is old.
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  Seeing it clearly does not dissolve it, but it changes your
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  relationship with it. Instead of being the wound, you
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  start to have the wound and something you have you can
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  examine, you can disagree with it, you can challenge it, you
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  can slowly, imperfectly begin to move differently inside of it.
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  And at the bottom of all of it, under the self protection and
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  the distance and the tests in the editing is something the
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  wound has been working very, very hard to keep you away from.
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  The knowledge that you are not too much, that you have never
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  been too much, that the people who couldn't hold you fully were
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  limited in their capacity not, and I repeat, not accurate in
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  their assessment. The wound says you are the kind
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  of person that people leave. The truth is you are the kind of
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  person who learned to leave first.
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  That is not the same thing. So that was a lot, right?
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  We're going to move on to our stone for today.
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  And again, it's a 2 parter. I'm pushing the limit with this
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  'cause I feel like 1 stone, one baby step.
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  You got that by now. SO2 parts, they work together.
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  The first part I want you to identify one place where you are
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  keeping a controlled distance, not in a relationship that is
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  actually unsafe. Let me be clear, if you are in a
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  truly toxic, abusive, unhealthy, bad relationship, that's not
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  what we're talking about. But somewhere that safety is
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  present, connection is possible, and you are still quietly
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  holding something back, just identify the place.
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  That's it. Identify where the real version
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  of your need or opinion has been replaced with the acceptable
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  one. Just notice.
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  That's it. Just name it.
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  You don't have to do anything with it or about it yet.
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  Just locate where the distance is and what it's costing you
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  now. Second this week.
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  Let something land. Just one thing.
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  When someone tells you they're glad you're in their life.
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  When someone checks on you. When someone chooses you.
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  When someone sees you, clearly let it in.
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  Don't deflect it. Don't immediately find the
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  reason it doesn't count. Don't reciprocate so fast that
• 17:43
  you never actually received it. By the way, When someone pays
• 17:47
  you a compliment, it's OK to say thank you.
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  Actually, my favorite phrase is when I get a compliment, I say
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  thank you. I am, and I've had people that
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  are really startled by that and I say because I'm practicing
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  owning it, so thank you for the compliment.
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  I'm going to see it in myself. I am that thank you and don't
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  immediately reciprocate. If someone compliments you, you
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  don't have to compliment back. It's OK to just receive it and
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  let it be real. Let it stay for like 10 seconds
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  without the wound picking it apart.
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  It's going to feel weird. It's going to feel
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  uncomfortable. Sit with it, Lean into the
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  discomfort. Because 10 seconds of letting
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  love be real, That's the crack in the door.
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  That's where we start. And you don't have to believe
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  the wound is wrong yet. You just have to let in enough
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  light that it stops being the only voice in the room.
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  So I will be back on Friday and I'm going to tackle the next
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  one, which is going to be, I'll give you a little heads up, the
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  unsafe wound. This is the one that lives in
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  the body. And after everything that we've
• 18:53
  looked at this week, it's going to make a lot of things make
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  sense. There's a reason there's a
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  method to my madness and a reason I did it in this order.
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  So I will be back Friday for that episode.
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  In the meantime, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday nights, 9:00
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  PM Eastern Standard Time is light in the dark, soft,
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  soothing. And by the way, this week each
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  of the episodes is going to be based upon the previous day's
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  episode. So the Tuesday night one was
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  based on the unworthy wound. The Thursday night will be based
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  on the unlovable wound. The Saturday night will be based
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  on the unsafe wound. And this is going to continue
• 19:30
  for a while because there's a whole lot of core wounds and I'm
• 19:35
  really enjoying digging into these.
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  So like, share, subscribe, hype, all that stuff.
• 19:40
  I will say that does not tell me that I am loved or that I'm
• 19:43
  worth something. It just helps my channel spread.
• 19:46
  So show me a little bit of YouTube love or Spotify love
• 19:49
  with all of that. Leave me some comments.
• 19:51
  I love, love, love hearing from you guys and getting feedback
• 19:56
  and seeing how we are all in this shit together.
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  OK, anyone? By the way, I've said this
• 20:02
  before, anyone who acts like I'm all healed, this is how it was
• 20:05
  done. Please disregard them.
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  Nobody has ever fully healed. We are all in the trenches
• 20:11
  together, so I'll be back.