Latest / From My Planit to Yours... / Episode 13: "I'm a People Pleaser" is an Excuse For Self-Abandonment

Transcript

Episode 13: "I'm a People Pleaser" is an Excuse For Self-Abandonment · From My Planit to Yours...

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, welcome to Planet Butter.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's my alien voice.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you guys like it.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Picture this.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: You hopped on the band rocket and now you're on Planet Butter.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: A world made of delicious, sparkly peanut butter volcanoes and an adorable disco ball of self-reflection is whirling around in her red convertible.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Self-Friendship Podcast
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: The key to understanding self-friendship and my greater mission of united individualism is the two ends of the spectrum required to create this cultural shift.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Adults and kids.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Adults have been conditioned out of their parties of one, which is why I start adults with practicing self-friendship so they can return to their innate party of one.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Kids, on the other end, are born as their party of one, and when they're surrounded by a culture of adults who practice self-friendship, kids can then be conditioned into their self-friendship practice, allowing them to sustain their already existing party of one, rather than perpetuating this current cycle of conditioning people out of their party of one.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you've got any questions about that, please email me.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to explain, chat about it, answer any questions, and potentially shift my perspective on something.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm super excited about the release of Planit Butter's first picture book, Planit Butter Party of One.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: The book is where the world of Planit Butter comes to life, and Blissy, the disco ball of self-reflection, bops around showing exactly what self-friendship looks like in action as her party of one.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: The ebook is now available on Amazon KDP and this week I will celebrate another review written by M. Roberts.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: They gave the book five stars and titled it a fun light read uplifting and makes you smile and wrote
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, M. Roberts!
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yay!
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad everyone's enjoying the first book.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Please continue to check it out and review.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's super helpful.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: The hard copies are still on their way and I gratefully already have a lot of interest from bookstores, concept stores, hotels, cafes, and more.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you or anyone you know has a cute, cool, local bookshop anywhere in the world or concept store or hotel or la la la la la that might be interested in offering some copies, reach out to me.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to meet with you.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you, of course, to Planit Butter Substack subscribers.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: You guys really make this show possible.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I recently added a seven-day free... Well, I guess not that recently anymore.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I semi-recently added a seven-day free trial option if you want to get a feel for my writing.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or I also added a new tip option out of respect for those who want to support me and simply don't want the commitment of a subscription.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: That said, to be notified of new episodes and receive more content, sign up for my Substack.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: As for the podcast, if you want to email me your answer to any of the episode questions or share a story about your party of one, selffriendshippodcast at gmail.com.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Today, I'm going to tell you my answer to last week's question, a comment on the one thing concept, a snippet from the creative act by Rick Rubin, a note on practicing walking and how it influences your life, normalizing being independent in a workout class, and
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: A Trick I Use Every Morning Why It's More Selfish to Have Kids Than to Not Two New Mantras Creativity in Relation to Yin and Yang Why We Should Read Things That Have Nothing to Do with Ourselves What to Do Instead of Looking Up Answers How to Handle Yourself with Strangers Who Suddenly Approach You Why the Phrase People Pleasing is People Pleasing Itself A Note on Consequences
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Our Relationship to Time and Feeling Overwhelmed.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then we'll finish up with a brand new question for you to self-reflect, self-connect, and email me if you so desire, selffriendshippodcast at gmail.com.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: My answer to last week's question, which was, what is a trait that you have, quote unquote, on lock that you do not want to lose?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: This question was inspired from my friend commenting on my ability to not care what people think.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: However, I will give a new answer this week to continue my self reflection.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so I don't want to lose my ability to play.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, it's my thing.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I pride myself on my ability to make basically anything and everything fun at all times.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, when things need to be taken more seriously, I understand that, but there's still a way to make it enjoyable.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: It is not to disrespect or be too silly.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is simply to make it fun.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can be fun and serious at the same time.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Duality.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Email me your answers if you want to.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: SelfFriendshipPodcast at gmail.com.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, a comment on quote unquote one thing.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So in society, there's a concept about committing to one thing and then expanding from there, right?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: While I understand that, I actually don't think it's natural for people to do that.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that we can actually enhance our skill sets by not focusing on only one thing because we allow ourselves to explore ourselves in one
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: multiple facets of our assumed interests and though we should never assume I hope that when you are committing a lot of your time to something you are interested in what you are committing your time to so when you choose to commit yourself to a variety of your interests I
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really agree with the one thing thing.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I gotta say about that.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's called learning.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, now a little snippet from the creative act by Rick Rubin.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I opened to this page randomly the other morning and I really was excited to share it with you guys.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, there is never a shortage of awe and inspiration to be found outdoors.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: If we dedicated our lives solely to noticing changes in natural light and shadows as the hours pass, we would constantly discover something new.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nature transcends our tendencies to label and classify, to reduce and limit.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: The natural world is unfathomably more rich, interwoven and complicated than we are taught and so much more mysterious and beautiful.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Deepening our connection to nature will serve our spirit and what serves our spirit invariably serves our artistic output.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's a reason we are drawn to gazing at the ocean.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is said that the ocean provides a closer reflection of who we are than any mirror.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just going to let you guys sit with that for a bit.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Write something down if you feel so inspired.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Go for a walk.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Stare at the ocean if you can.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And there you go.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a note on practicing walking and how it influences your life.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So think about every single time you get up to walk somewhere, anywhere, whether it's the kitchen, the bathroom, 10 miles on the beach, five blocks on concrete, whatever your environment might be.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And think of it as a practice every single time.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about practice or you think about walking as a practice every single time you get up to walk, whether it's four steps or four miles, you'll start to understand and you'll start to think about other things that you do consistently as a
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Practice, I think.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is a theory, okay?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: So let me know if it happens.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when you think about things as practice, they tend to be more intentional because you're trying to do something and improve upon it, which is hopefully what you're doing with your life every day because life is really practice anyway.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's why everybody always says that nobody knows what they're doing.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's because everybody is just practicing being alive and exploring the infinite possibilities of what that looks like.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: and for every individual, it's different.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you think of something as small as walking as practice, if you're fortunate enough to walk, of course,
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Then it might start to influence the way you think about other things differently.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: You might even become a more intentional person overall because you'd be practicing paying mind, paying attention, being conscious.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about the way your feet move and land and your legs move and your hips move and your spine moves, if every part of your body moves with the way you walk every single time you walk,
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: you'll be you walk so often I hope even again even if it's to the kitchen or to the bathroom basic needs you're you're walking that is required for your basic needs even when you do that if you think about it as practice
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: you will be practicing thinking also so that conscious effort of thinking will naturally inevitably be applied to the rest of your life slowly but surely now normalize doing your own thing in a workout class I think this is very important because I always do that every class that I choose to go to when I choose to go to a workout class is
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Everything that I'm being advised to do, they are just suggestions, recommendations, a menu of options.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: That does not mean I need to do it.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's my class and it's my body.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not going to do that just because you're telling me to.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how I roll.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think anybody should roll like that.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I would hope that everybody
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps like the timing of the class, the community, of course, the competitive potential, competitiveness, potentially, you know, it varies.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, at the end of the day, if we don't practice our independent thinking with something like moving our body and listening to our body is really the fundamental aspect of this, then we're
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're Not Really Taking Responsibility for Yourself.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: you know do what works for you you can use it as a suggestion you can use it to fuel your creativity for how you move your body it's not to make it harder make it less hard like it's not even about the level of challenge I hope you choose to challenge yourself but simply if your body doesn't like something or you don't feel like doing it just respect your body and don't do it do something else that you do want to do and there's nothing wrong with that and it's more about the independent thinking that it is
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: that I'm encouraging of course and yeah so practice self-friendship in your workout class do what works for you embrace understand and enjoy yourself when you move your body and you can still be in the community and if somebody has a problem with it that's their problem that's not your problem oh hey
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, my friend Heather Thrills who I think I mentioned last episode also but she's just so wonderful.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: She is a boxing and yoga instructor, trainer, coach and she during her yoga class on Friday night at Core Power Yoga in Santa Monica she reminded everyone to ask yourself, how are you?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I loved that of course and it also reminded me to share with you guys something that I do every morning that I think might be helpful for you guys which is
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I Look at Myself in the Mirror
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: and so it's like I and you as an adult I think it's honoring yourself as a parent to your inner child and that ability and that self friendship of communicating with myself first thing in the morning and asking such a loving and caring question how did you sleep is such a really pleasant way to wake up to myself and
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: My Morning Routine Has a Bunch of Other Steps but I've shared that previously and this one I don't think I have actually shared and I thought it might be helpful because the how are you that Heather proposed we ask ourselves can be really powerful and my concern is that for some people maybe they feel silly or they don't know when or they don't know how to answer it and can they be honest and all these other variables so I thought maybe by sharing what I do which is
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: saying something as simple as how did you sleep and then answering honestly and looking at yourself in the eyes and talking it out asking yourself questions oh why did you sleep well why didn't you sleep well what did you dream about do you remember your dreams anything of that nature and just engage in the conversation with your inner child kind of look at it like you're talking to a you're
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Your Child's Itself.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And see how it makes you feel.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of inner child, I thought this was hilarious, but I don't know.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Some people might be upset, but get over it.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just kidding.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, it's actually more selfish to have kids than society acts like it is.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is just for playful thinking, but really think about this.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: so society makes it like the people who don't have kids are selfish like a lot of the times I'll hear women say oh I'm too selfish to have kids and I actually I feel like a lot of there's like well there's oh there's a lot to say here I'm gonna keep it short
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: and basically it's like think about this why are you for the people who choose to have kids why are you having kids because you want to that's selfish period it's a want it's not a need and I actually think that that's cool so there's just this like narrative about people who choose to not have kids as them being selfish because they don't want to give their time and energy to
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think both sides are selfish like is the point and I just want everyone to be a healthy amount of a healthy selfish a secure selfish is what I call it anyway I just thought it was funny to acknowledge that it's actually more selfish to choose to have kids than society acts like it is and it's also selfish to not have kids both ways are selfish
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Often Selfish and I think that's a great thing.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: New Mantras What I exude is what I receive.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: What I exude is what I receive.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you like that one here's the other one today my work is to exert so the universe knows the level I'm willing to receive hope you guys like those now creativity and yin and yang being a creative is cool because I feel like I'm constantly back and forth between feminine and masculine energy which makes me feel balanced and I think that's very important because a lot of the time I feel like in work atmospheres there's it's a more masculine energy in business
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just the nature of business.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: However, when you're creative and that's your business, you get to do both.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's healthy and balanced and I love it.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I just wanted to tell you guys that.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Read something that has nothing to do with you.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: You'll still apply it to yourself is the thing.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: So even though something has zero to do with you, it's only natural to attempt to apply it to yourself, relate to it, connect with it, connect it to something else because humans are social creatures.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to offer that we consider not reading things that we think we
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: something that we think will just expand our minds into other ways of thinking and being because no matter what you're going to attempt to relate to yourself and because of that you might have really interesting discoveries okay now what to do instead of looking it up
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: and that means your answers to the questions that you have because we live in such a society that offers immediate gratification in so many ways and we can look up answers on the internet and get the answers basically immediately I want to encourage people to just give themselves the gift of wonder by not looking it up
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Initially, you're obviously welcome to look up the answers to things.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's very helpful that we have access to all this information, but I don't want us to lose that sense of wonder.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Wonder the answers.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: See what you can come up with from your own previous knowledge and experience and just wonder for a second.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just give yourself the gift of wonder.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: handling yourself when you're suddenly approached by a stranger I was walking in Venice and I was on a call with a friend and I passed by a group of guys who are hanging around tents at the Venice library and one of them sprinted over to me and I turn and the first thing he says is I'm not gonna attack you and I was like I didn't think you were I'm on the phone though and he said oh I'm so sorry and I said have a good day and then we carried on our way that's it
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: like there's so much to unpack here usually when something like this happens I'm being asked for a lighter or like I'm getting asked out on a date but my ability to say grounded in myself and have my boundaries while being kind and disarming allowed us both to carry on our ways if I had reacted harshly or I did assume he was
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: attacking me then a totally different result would have occurred also I feel terrible that he thought that I thought that like I don't really have words for that one but it reminds me of of the shark video it reminds me of the shark video that I made about a month ago
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sharks aren't our enemies we assume that they're attacking us so then they do attack us because they perceive us to be a threat to them because we're reacting in a scared and threatening way towards them so by default though they are faster swimmers and obviously larger and stronger and bigger teeth than we have so they end up
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: seeming like they are attacking us but they're not attacking us they think we're attacking them because we're getting scared of them who they aren't doing anything wrong but if you're walking on the street and you're not doing anything wrong but then you see somebody and you assume they're doing something wrong so then you start freaking out then they are going to be like well why is that person freaking out and then they're going to do something to protect themselves and then if you get hurt you think you're right that they hurt you but really they were protecting themselves because you were being a crazy asshole oh
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you stay calm and gently guide the shark in another direction or human being, then everyone keeps on swimming and walking peacefully.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why the phrase people pleasing is people pleasing in itself.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: I follow a woman named Simone Grace and I think her last name is soul or seal.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's spelled S-E-O-L, but the city soul is spelled S-E-O-U-L.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know if it's somehow still pronounced the same or if it's seal.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, she wrote an idea.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: What if we stopped calling it quote unquote people pleasing and started calling it quote unquote self abandoning, which is what it really is.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the word perfectionism.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't actually have to do with perfection, which is a nice idea.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: As Liz Gilbert said, Perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Pleasing is a nice idea.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: People pleasing sounds like a nice thing to do.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not really that, is it?
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's about abandoning yourself.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I got all excited and inspired.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, if we consider it from the lens that it is self-abandonment, which it is,
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Then we can also consider that the phrasing itself is a self-abandoning phrase, which is wild to think about because the phrase, it makes it about other people, whereas making it about yourself and your contribution to your actions, you're intellectualizing it to say that you're doing something to please other people.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: But the idea of pleasing them also comes from your own mind versus recognizing that it is self-abandonment.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: And to say it's people pleasing when it's only in your mind that you're pleasing others which is really just a way to please yourself is almost an excuse as to why you're self-abandoning rather than taking responsibility for what is actually happening which is self-abandoning.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to let you sit with that, reflect on it.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: People-pleasing is self-abandoning and the phrase people-pleasing is a way to excuse your self-abandonment.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: and make it sound like you're doing something in favor of others as if it's even a nice gesture when really it's only you who's even deciding that it's a nice gesture but no matter which way you slice it you are self-abandoning and so I just want people to sit with that marinate reflect and let me know what you think a note on consequences consequences can be positive or negative
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like it often has a negative connotation and I just want to highlight that the reality is it can be positive or negative.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, our relationship to time and feeling overwhelmed.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Time Doesn't Change, Our Perception Does.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: So when we have a huge list of to-dos and we end up multitasking and therefore feeling overwhelmed because time feels like it's moving quicker because we're doing multiple things at once, it's not that the time itself is changing, which I know you know this, but you feel like it's moving faster because you are dividing your attention, which means you're dividing your amount of time that you are actually giving to each thing that you are
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: Dividing Your Attention 2.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Planit Butter.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: More Consciously and Intentionally by exclusively focusing on one thing at a time.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is where one thing at a time actually becomes a different conversation because it's under the context of focusing.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, moving on.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the question of the week.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: How do you react when a stranger gives you a little attitude?
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to tell you a lot about yourself.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Get ready.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Have a beautiful week.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Check out Planit Butter Party of One and I'll see you on Planit Butter.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Bye!