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281. Ask Us Anything - Your Tough Questions Answered.. Or At Least Try To Answer · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: In this episode you get to ask us anything you want, and your questions are answered, or at least we'll try to answer them you get to ask us or you got to ask well, you got to and I'm sure they'll keep coming in and we, we are going to just go down the list.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: We're not gonna miss any some number pretty interesting questions, and first I want to say number one we're going to give you our opinion.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: That's our opinion.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: You can disagree with us, you can agree with us, that's totally fine.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: We're just giving you our opinion for what it's worth and you know you might not like it, I guess well, this is our podcast so, yeah, this is our podcast, so we're going to give you what we think in a very, very nice and respectful way.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: This is our opinions look, there's a lot of questions that we're asked that we don't have any experience in, and if we tell you we don't know we're just going to say we don't know, but we'll try to answer the questions that we can and let you know what we think.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: So this should be a very interesting podcast.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: This one's going to be a little bit different.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: We asked our social media audience on Instagram to ask us anything in our stories, and so we have quite a few questions.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Some of these are really sad, I'm just going to say.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: But we're going to try and keep this episode positive and not dwell on all the negativity that is coming in through these questions.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: But there is a lot of people that are struggling with different things, and the great thing about it is no matter what you're struggling with.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: I think for the most part, it can be overcome right If you both want to overcome.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: It is no matter what you're struggling with.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: I think for the most part, it can be overcome right If you both want to overcome it, no matter what that is, whether it's infidelity or you know whatever, if you both want to overcome and make things better, that's a very positive thing.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, absolutely Okay.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: You're just going to jump in.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Just be raw.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to be raw.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: These are the questions.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to jump in, just be raw.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to be raw.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: These are the questions.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to read them as they come and we apologize.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: We got a lot of them so obviously we're probably not going to get through them all.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: So if we end up missing some, we apologize for that.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Just because there is a lot, maybe we'll do another episode and.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I think our social media audience is probably mostly Christians, some non-Christians.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: I don't want this to get all spiritual, but we are Christians.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: Some of our answers are going to be what we believe, and if you don't- like that I'm sorry, some of these questions I'm like, eh, okay, we're just going to have to be honest.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: All right, am I just jumping in?
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Jump in Okay.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: We'll see what we're facing Once again, these are our personal opinions.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: Take it for what it's worth, all right.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: First question oh, these are tricky.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, looked at my husband's Facebook search history, saw he was looking up half-naked women.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: He said he didn't search and didn't know why that would be on his phone.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: He is denying and I don't know how to deal with it.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: That is one of the questions that we got.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Do you want me to start or do you want to start?
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: Go ahead.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: Do you want me to start?
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Give your thoughts.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, this one's tricky because you don't want to automatically blame your spouse for anything.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: Right like you'd like to be able to trust you.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: You want to be able to trust your spouse.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: This is where it gets tricky, because you don't want to like accuse your spouse of something.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe they actually didn't do, but it is his phone.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: There's probably a password on his phone.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: It's his Facebook account it's his Facebook account, and so I'm in this situation.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure you can't deny that what you're doing.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: I would hope in this situation that the husband would realize that lying is just going to make this issue worse.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just own it, like if she has been own it, and say, yeah, I made a mistake, here's what I've done.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: If you want a good marriage, you have got to admit when you're wrong.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: Well, I think, too, as bad as this is, like a wife, I think, is going to appreciate a husband like being honest and owning it and being able to trust him, rather than him denying it.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: And now she knows that he's not only doing something, but he's also not trustworthy.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: Now he's lying about it, which makes it way worse.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: We all make mistakes in life.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: Own up to your mistakes and just yeah, own up to them as hard as it is, and at least you don't lose the trust of your spouse, hopefully, if you own up to something at least you don't lose the trust of your spouse, hopefully, if you own up to something.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: The sad part of this one is that there might be something deeper going on.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: If you're looking up half-naked women, there could possibly be a porn issue.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: There could possibly be some kind of addiction.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, this is the kind of situation where you're like whoa slap in the face.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: I had no idea this is where our relationship was and might be.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: An instant cry for something deeper that's going on and and instead of freaking out on your spouse like I, I think I think a lot of the times I don't want to justify ever being dishonest because it's not okay, but I think a lot of times spouses deny stuff because they feel a lot of guilt or they know they're going to just get destroyed and they maybe don't feel safe with their spouse.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Right, like I can't be vulnerable with why I'm struggling with something, because I'm not safe with you, and it's never okay to lie or to lust or any of those things like we talk about, but this is the kind of situation that can either make or break your relationship.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: But this is the kind of situation that it can either make or break your relationship.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: You can freak out and scream, which is what most people will do, and be like how could you do this to me?
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: I feel betrayal.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: And then you lied, which is human nature to do right.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: You can also be like something's really, really wrong and this is our opportunity to get everything out, get some therapy, get a professional to really help us out here and turn this around, because marriages can be turned around, but it's it's how this couple is going to embrace what just happened and the next few steps that are going to happen.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: whether this is all you know what I'm trying to say, yeah, I would say first of all, the wife has to confront the husband and say, okay, I'm, this is what I found.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: I'm going to give you a chance to explain.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: I want you to be honest with me and I'm going to give you a chance to explain it.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: And then and then have that good discussion and, you know, determine if he's, if he's still lying or if he's being honest, and try to understand the deeper issues of why he's doing that and listen to him as to why he's doing that and just really have those deep, hard discussions so that you can resolve the issue and understand why he number one, why he was doing that and why he's maybe not being honest with you.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: And then the next part I just want to add before we spend too long on this question is betrayal hurts really, really, really bad.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Like she's gonna feel very, very broken and betrayed.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: She's gonna feel that that's 100% normal and she should, and so he's.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: He's gonna have to be very, very when this all comes out and hopefully he's honest about it, about what's happening and why it's happening.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: He's gonna have to be very, very when this all comes out and hopefully he's honest about it, about what's happening and why it's happening.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: He's going to have to be patient with her because that right, there is going to cause some resentment and some closing up possibly and lack of intimacy for a while until it's resolved.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: And that's where it gets tricky with couples, right, because something happens like that and all of a sudden it's like well, don't touch me, yeah.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: Right Yep, all right, yeah Right, yep.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: So all right, moving on to the next next one, bringing up the sex topic in relationships.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: This wasn't really a question, it was just like it's hard to bring up the sex topic, so I think we expand on this all the time.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: We do.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so we have the intimate conversations uh, that make it a lot easier where you can get on the phone and have the phone be prompting those questions.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: Um, you have to talk about sex expectations.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: How?
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: How can things get better if you're not talking about it?
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: I would say the intimate conversations are the best.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: We also have a great workbook all the barriers that keep couples from having the sexual intimacy they desire in our shop.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: That's a great workbook tool as well.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: Those are kind of the two things that I would say I wish there was an easy thing to just say oh, here's an easy way to do it.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: It's never easy to talk about it, but there are things that can make it a little bit easier and it's something you just you have to do.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: But I would go first to the intimate conversations.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Which is why we created it, because it got easier for us.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Right, it was hard, it got easier.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Once you do it, it starts getting easier.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: For sure, Ski Next one how to navigate sex with ED or erectile dysfunction.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, let me jump on this one first.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: Jump on it first, I think this is a good one.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: I think you first need to understand what is causing it.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of causes of it.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: Some people it's pornography right and they can't get aroused.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: Other people it is a legit health issue, which they have great medication and great things, great therapies and things that work really well.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: So if it's a physical issue, then you could approach it that way.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: If it's stress or anxiety, I think the first thing you need to do is identify what you think is causing the issue and then you can begin to, you know, address it in that way for sure, for sure, and I like that you brought up stress, because that can be huge.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: So how, what kind of things can you do to kind of alleviate?
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Alleviate some of that?
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: well, we've talked about that in previous podcasts and rather than going too far into things, I think number one.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: If you can, like I said, identify what the issue is, um, then you can figure out how to address it the right way.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: Rather than just say hey, here's something I'm struggling with.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: I have no idea what to do.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: That's got to be kind of like hard and embarrassing sometimes for some guys, even though it shouldn't be right.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: And I would say too, there's a lot of things you can still do that don't have to be intercourse Like you can still please your wife in a lot of different ways.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I was just going to bring that up.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Like it's important to remember that there's alternative ways to be intimate.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: So instead of just saying, well, I'm struggling with this, therefore we can't do it, I would say, hey, there's still a lot of things we can do.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: For sure, there's intimacy aids, as we talk about, which are great things, and I would say, if you're a man that has ED, it's still a great thing to use an intimacy aid to please your wife.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: There's still a bonding and connection doing those things and just still being intimate that way.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Penetration, so to speak, to make things really intimate and connecting.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: Absolutely okay.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Moving to the next question how to make husband understand that his sexual, his sexual past is unfair expectations of me.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: How to make sure that his past doesn't create unfair expectations of his wife I'm not really sure what that means, but I think I'm reading into that.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Maybe he had a sexual past that was a lot, maybe different than what his sexual relationship was with his wife.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: Maybe he's, maybe he's wanting to do certain things she doesn't want to do.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to say this, and this is just my opinion Like, if you truly love someone, the physical act or doing certain things is, it should be a lot less important, right, the act of like, actually making love, and if that means it's missionary every time, if you truly love your spouse, that still should be.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: I mean, we always talk about spicing things up every time.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: If you truly love your spouse, that still should be.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: I mean, we always talk about spicing things up, but if you know your spouse feels uncomfortable with something, why would you ever want to put your spouse in that situation?
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: So I I would just say, I would just say, find whatever works for both of you and what you feel comfortable with, and then build upon that, because you can still build upon things within a certain arena or a certain boundary.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: Like, right, you can still do a lot of things and and experiment and figure out a lot of things within that parameter of feeling comfortable right and I was gonna add love is respect, so like if you truly love your spouse, you're gonna respect their respect, their feelings.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's that simple yeah.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: It's a hard balance to be like, okay, we should try things, we should experiment, we should have fun, but at the same time, if someone's like no, I don't feel comfortable with that, like that's a no I would never If you love your spouse.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: You would never push that.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: If I knew something was uncomfortable for you, I would not continuously push that.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: Exactly, you know that's good.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I respect that.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: I love you, okay.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: The next question is do you feel like there are multiple stages of marriage each couple will go through.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: We did an entire podcast on this.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you're going to have the.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: Where do we begin I?
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: wish I had that episode in front of us.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to say correct me if I'm wrong newlywed stage, first few year stage, bringing in kids and toddlers stage, teenage, midlife stage, kids leave the house, retirement stage and then older stage.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: That's kind of how I would break it up.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I'm sure there's stages in those stages, but we kind of, would you agree?
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: yeah, I'm 48, so we're kind of in the kids getting older, things like that, starting to move out, so and I feel like our marriage has been through a bunch of different stages and each stage brings new trials and struggles, but also new opportunities and things.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: I think that's totally natural and normal and I would say change isn't always a bad thing.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Right, like sometimes change can be a really good thing.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: And enjoying the journey and recognizing that things are going to change and be different, and recognizing that things are going to change and be different, there's going to be seasons in your life where you're going to be able to experience and do a lot of things and sexual intimacy may come easy, and then there's going to be other times where that's a lot.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: There's a lot more challenges and trials and things like that, just based upon what's going on.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Good question.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: I think the tip I would give in this not that we've been through all the stages, but we're looking forward to the next stage, but we love the stage we're in but I think the best tip I could give personal opinion is just to and it's hard to when you're in it, but then you get in the teenagers.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: I love the teenager stage Like this is so great.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's just because we have Our kids are independent and we can do a lot of fun things with them.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: And some people hate that Because I mean, some kids are really hard but you still have each other and I think that enjoying now we're realizing that our kids they want to be with their friends, they want to move on, they want to be independent and that's helping us to realize how important our relationship is in this stage.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: And so, making sure that we build on this stage, make sure our marriage is amazing, because they are starting to leave.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: It's just going to be the two of us at the end of the day for sure super important to just remember, right.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: Um, okay, next tip or next question.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: I was the only one pouring into our marriage for 15 years now, and now that he's putting in effort, I feel burned out any tips to help she's pouring in, pouring and pouring into the relationship.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: And now he's realizing he needs to okay tips.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: What would you say to this?
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: I don't really know, it's a hard question.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: And now he's realizing he needs to Okay.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: Tips.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: What would you say to this?
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: I don't really know, it's a hard question.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I don't really know what they're referring to.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: I mean, we've kind of experienced that in our relationship, I think if I was to say it.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I was going to say we were kind of similar.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: So I don't know.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think, I don't know.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I mean I think.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: I don't think there's.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I could be wrong because I don't want to put words into her mouth, but I feel burned out.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know if it's burned out, that's the word.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: I think it might be.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: I feel a little bit of resentment because I put in all this work all this time and you haven't, and now you're just finally like starting to do that I think that's what's so great about marriage is that it's not 50 50.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: It's like one one person is too busy or too tired or too stressed out, like the other person steps up, right and she's awesome for giving and giving and giving all those years and yeah, yeah, she might be like feeling a little resentment, like but now it's his turn.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Right now it's his turn.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: I was just gonna say, if you're looking at it from a team standpoint, there's nothing wrong with saying you know what I carried us, whatever that meant for this time.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: Now it's your time to kind of take over.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: I need a, I need a break, so to speak.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: But if you're, if you're looking at it from a team effort, regardless of who's doing more, of the work, I think that'll take away some of the resentment, and especially if he's taking more of the load now and giving you a time to kind of.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: You know what's the word.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: Like you know, relax not really relax, because you can never relax but yeah, but this, this whole answer is going to come down to like conversation, like, like why are you feeling like this?
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: What is it that I didn't do that I can do better now and how can we kind of fix this situation?
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: Because I'm like I really don't know how to answer unless I know exactly what she's talking about, and I think the biggest thing that will help is don't go back to like a 50-50 marriage and say it's scorekeeping.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: We have to be keeping score of who's doing what, so don't look at it that way.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: For sure, For sure.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: The next one is resentment in marriage affecting sexual intimacy.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: 100%.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: Everyone's been through that or is going to go through that.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: When you feel any kind of resentment, I mean resentment might be one of the biggest barriers, right?
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: Like something happened.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: You're upset.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: You're having a really hard time getting over it.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: You're having a really hard time getting over it.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: You're having a really hard time forgiving.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: You have to eventually forgive doesn't mean you have to forget yeah, I like that.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: Right, you have to forgive, but it doesn't mean you have to forget but it also means, if you are forgiving, you can't just keep bringing up and make it a cause, a problem, like when you, when you, forgive something and you're like okay, we're gonna move on, we're gonna have a happy marriage.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna let this go.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: That means stop bringing it up and obviously we don't know what happened.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: But I would say, be a little bit compassionate, because if you're, how often are we holding resentment towards someone where we have weaknesses ourselves, right like we all make mistakes.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: So show a little bit of compassion and recognize that, hey, he maybe he or she made mistakes and, and you know, recognize that you make mistakes as well, so right, and you would expect that passion from the other person as well, if you made mistakes or fell short or did something that caused resentment.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: And I just to point it out again like when there is a resentment, it is going especially when there's a resentment, the wife feels it against the husband and he he's craving that intimacy to feel like forgiven and move on, but like that's a real wedge for a woman, like mentally to be like I, that's the first thing that's gonna go is one of me wanting to be intimate with you, right like I'm in not in a good place.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: So forgiving and letting go and moving on is so important because intimacy is so important.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: It's such a key part of, like, a healthy and passionate marriage.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: But when there's a resentment it's the first thing to go.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: But I will say this too.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: But if you're holding on to resentment and then cutting that connection off, it's not going to get better.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: It's not going to get better, it's only going to get worse, for sure.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: You know, I don't know.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: You gotta, you gotta figure it out, find that balance, talk about it and learn.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: Learn to forgive, and it looks different for everyone absolutely.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: next question um, my husband has no time for wife and shows no love.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: Um, I guess let me reword that so it's all right, my husband has no time for me and shows no love.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: That's pretty much what she's saying, and this can go both ways.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: We hear this both ways, tip.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, obviously you're going to invest time and energy into something that's important to you and it sounds like he has other things that are important.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: I think sitting down and having that discussion expressing how you feel and asking him why he doesn't prioritize your relationship and your marriage and just having that tough conversation and finding out what the deeper reason is.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: I think oftentimes we make it complicated, but for most issues, if you can find out what the problem is, then you can figure out what do we need to do to address it.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: But if you don't know what the problem is, you can never address it.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: For sure, for sure, I think, to go along with this one, which can go both ways.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I think couples do need to do a better job at setting boundaries around phones.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: We talked about all that time.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: But I think if you sat down and you both looked at your each other's screen or your own and each other's screen time, and had this conversation like, oh, your screen time is two hours, but you don't have time to connect like everybody's on their phones, it's hard for me to imagine a husband never having time for his wife like, unless you're working like multiple jobs and then you have hobbies on top of that or some big church service thing like how do you not have?
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: how do you?
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: not have time, like are you playing video games?
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Are you watching too many shows?
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: Are you scrolling your phone?
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Like everybody has time.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: We just need to rearrange our priorities.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: So there's some.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: There's probably a deeper disconnect going here, right, I don't know if that was helpful.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: Was that helpful?
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: Next one Okay, I'm going to skip that one.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to be reading that one.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: The next one after that one, the next one after that one how to make a long-distance marriage work.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: We did all the usual things.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: I need new ideas.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: We don't have a ton of ideas for you, but we have the right people to do.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Their names are Elaine and Abe Romero.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: They are a long-distance married couple, gosh, I think they have been going long-distance for years and years.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Right, their podcast is called Love is in the air love is in the air, yep and they just literally talk about long distance marriages.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: So I'm just gonna send you straight to them we've had them on early in the podcast in one of our.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: You know I'd say first 50 episodes probably first 10 episodes and so you can also search that, but they are really good yeah, go back to one of our first episodes about long distance marriages, and she is actually a therapist, so she has a lot of credibility for talking about this.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so we're just going to send you their way.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: They're awesome.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: Do I just accept?
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: Okay, wait, this one goes.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Okay, I have to go back Craving intellectual conversation, but we're not super compatible in this way.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Do intellectual conversation?
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: But we're not super compatible in this way.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: Do I accept and find a good friend to girlfriend to fulfill that, or do you think my hubby can change?
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I think, you had a really good comment on this one.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: I'm going to let you go first.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Do you remember it?
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: You were talking about when they were dating, like how that changed, right yeah.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: I think the first question to ask is was it like this way when you were dating?
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: If the answer is yes, then you kind of knew what you were getting into.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: Right, if the answer is no, then obviously he's changed in a negative way.
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: And so I would say, having those conversations and finding out why he doesn't like to have those deep and intellectual conversations.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: And I would also say this too, that there's a lot of couples that are mismatched on those types of things, and you know, sometimes women or men go get those different conversations met through friends, and I don't think that's a negative thing.
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: I think it's totally normal to have friends, and we're going to have some friends that we have different types of conversations with, depending on how comfortable we feel.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: Um, I would say, if your marriage is a good marriage overall and this is just one of the things you know, maybe something you wish was better.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: Again, talk to him about it.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: But also, you know, if you have different personalities and he just isn't a deep thinker or has those deep conversations, I think that's okay.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: You can still have an amazing marriage, but maybe you're having those conversations, like you said, with a friend or something else, someone else.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: Same sex friend too.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I mean.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, correct, I totally agree with you.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: I think it's really important.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: It depends on the conversation that you're wanting.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: So if it's a deep intellectual conversation about something that has to be has to be in your marriage, I would have a talk with that and be like this needs to be important to both of us.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Please, I need you to be that person that fulfills that right.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: But like stuff that's, deep conversations that aren't necessarily like for your spouse.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: I absolutely think those you could get, those filled by your friends yeah, if it's a deep conversation.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Uh, regarding the topic like politics, or books that you've read, or education or your line of work or something like absolutely go to lunch with your friends and have those conversations.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: I think that's great totally normal, that's probably beneficial for your marriage too.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: If he's really not wanting to talk about some of those things Like, we absolutely can get some needs met outside the marriage and that's healthy.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: Okay, the next question is how can I move past hard arguments that make me not even like my spouse?
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: can I move past hard arguments that make me not even like my spouse?
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: Um, so, if you're having hard arguments, there's probably a pride issue in your relationship right, like one of you.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: One of you has to be right, and it just keeps the argument going on and on and on and they get more heated and you say things you shouldn't.
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: Um, I, I think it's like we've talked about in a previous podcast.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: It's so important just to let that pride down and recognize is this going to be important in 24 hours, in a week from now, in two weeks from now?
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: And if the answer is no, then figure out a way to resolve it.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: It isn't about who's right or wrong, it really isn't.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's just about okay, right or wrong, it really isn't.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: I mean, sometimes it's just about like okay, we disagree, let's agree to disagree and move on.
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: You know, let's not, let's not let this turn into something that really impacts our marriage.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: Now, if it's an important topic and it's something that needs to be discussed and causing conflict, then that's.
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: That's a different story and you need to keep talking about it and figure out a way to resolve it.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: But I think, in my opinion, if if you're constantly having conflict, there's there's probably like a pride issue right like you just have to be right and you can't let it go and agreed and I would say to this how can I move past hard arguments?
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: I'm wondering with this question if it's the topic that they're arguing about or the way that it's happening.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: And if he's to make me not even like him, makes me think that maybe he's aggressive or gets really, really upset, or it's the way he's handling these arguments, or they're obviously not discussions go, go.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: Listen to episode 111 yep if you live if you listen to that episode.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: I think it'll answer um all your questions that you have.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: It's an amazing episode.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: Episode 111 on conflict resolution and I.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: I think both people, both spouses, should listen to it together.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that one's marriage changing.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: Go listen to that.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: That's a game changing episode.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: Alright.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: We're going to have part two.
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: We got through a bunch of them, but we are going to have part two, so join us for the next episode following this one.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: On part two, we answer your questions and we have a lot more great questions we're going to answer.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: We appreciate all of you.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: If you need some great products, go to shopultimateintimacycom.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: We've got some fantastic products to help your intimacy in your marriage.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Go check it out at shopultimateintimacycom and we'll see you again soon.