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When a highly sensitive man waits to be loved... (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know that you may have been years or decades without the love, care, intimacy, affection of a woman in your life.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something that is that loneliness causes anguish and sorrow and suffering.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I want to acknowledge that before we get into this journal entry today.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And because I think it's it's something that that we just need to acknowledge.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that that's that's that's that's true.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because I, you know, being married to my husband for nine years, we've been to together 11 as a highly sensitive man, and I'm a highly sensitive woman, and I I do believe that there is softness that can be had in having a relationship with someone else, someone who loves us, who sees us clearly, and and really, you know, yeah, can love us for who we are and accept us.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I have my husband, so I'm really grateful for that.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I I want to acknowledge that, you know, I'm coming from a place of being in a relationship.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: But from all the comments on videos and just just thinking about this topic, I've or this this feeling, this sense of of longing for relationship, I've had some some thoughts.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's it's important to think about what it is that relationships are are offering us, what it is that we're looking for in a relationship on a on a deep, you know, foundational level.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: We we want someone who understands us.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: We want someone who lets us be ourselves.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we all have to to moderate ourselves to be in relationships in some way.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a bit of a dance, but we want we want to just kind of exhale and and be our be the most like ourselves as we can.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: We want someone who finally sees us for our good qualities and someone who sees our bad qualities and says, we all have bad qualities, you know.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I I have mine and I accept you for yours, and you know, we'll we'll we'll work it out.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Someone to feel safe with.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is this is something that's really important to acknowledge because a lot of us grew up in in families that maybe didn't feel safe.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so we have this sense of wanting to feel safe with another human being because the world doesn't feel safe, most people around us don't feel safe, our family might not feel safe.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, we want that sense of safety.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I also think we want someone to to belong, belong with, belong to, you know, that that there's a sense of a kindred spirit-ness of being sort of seeing the world in a similar way.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, we're never going to see the the world the same way as someone else because we're all unique.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: But these are some of the things I think that underlie what it is that we want, why we want a relationship.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the relationship is kind of a symbol for these things that we're longing for.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we when we think, you know, think that when someone finally chooses us, you know, we'll finally be okay.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the thing is, is that a relationship with someone else doesn't replace our relationship with ourselves.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, because I was that that quote of like, wherever, wherever we are, or wherever we go, there we are, right?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I found that to be true, you know, in traveling places, other places in the world or being in different relationships.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, I'm still here with me, you know, like, oh, I'm still still the same thoughts, still the same stories, still the same feelings.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like okay, you know.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so perhaps that we need to start by first giving ourselves some of these things that we're longing for from the relationship.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we can think about these things even if we're in relationship right now.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like for myself, I've been thinking about these things.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um it doesn't matter if if you're single or not.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's these are really good questions.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because we need to be okay with who we are under the mask that we show the world, if we're going to have the relationship that we're longing for.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think here's the thing, like, you know, we have you perhaps you have this imagining, you know, this vision of you'll meet someone and then slowly reveal yourself over time, you know, and and and she'll she'll understand, you know, because we want to hide and, you know, um and kind of open up over time because it feels less scary that way, right?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I think, and I'd love to hear from you in the comments if this has happened to you.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: What actually happens is that the relationship gets built around this masked self, this, you know, this kind of yeah, not this the self that is not quite you showing up how you are on the inside.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it's built around the adapted version of you.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's the version that you think will be most accepted by this this woman or this person that you're entering into relationship with.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then after sort of six months, you know, a couple of years, 10 years, I've heard, you know, like you kind of wake up one day and you're you feel like your true self, the hidden self, whatever we want to call it, needs to breathe, needs space to be itself again, and you kind of bring that out a little bit more, a little bit more.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And your partner says or thinks like you've changed, and you think, nope, this is the first time you're actually meeting me.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I think what happens is that this is you know that moment, those moments where you start to be more yourself can end up being rejected in the relationship.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is years, months or years in, it can be quite heartbreaking for both sides.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know that it's fair for either person.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's fair to enter into a relationship and like try and keep yourself, you know, masked and hidden.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that takes a lot of energy, and it's it's kind of like not really being truthful with the person that you're entering into a relationship with and wanting to be loved and seen and cared for.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I know that's not always the case, but I know as highly sensitive people were so used to hiding a little bit um because we've had to do that to kind of get on in the world, that it can just be sort of second nature to do that in in relationship.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, if I think another piece of this is if we if we hide ourselves to get into a relationship with someone, we'll still feel lonely.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Still feel lonely while sleeping next to someone.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: You think, yeah, I'll get into a relationship and all shall be well.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, well, if we're not if we're not truly being ourselves and showing, showing all the parts of ourselves, like, and obviously this is like you know, we all have parts of ourselves that are in there that are that are ours, and maybe we don't go and share as deeply some parts, you know, words like traumas.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but like if we don't share those things with our our potential partner, our partner, then we'll still end up feeling lonely.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's maybe a whole nother video.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um but so while we may think that we're waiting for love, I think I wonder if we're waiting to be actually known by someone else for permission to stop performing, for permission to stop apologizing for feeling deeply, for permission to just have all our sensitivities and yeah, just just someone to to give us permission, and we imagine that someone else can give that to us, and fine, you know.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing is, is that no one can give us that permission to to do all those things if we haven't already started, uh at least started to give ourselves the permission to to be ourselves.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I think the thing is is that it's not about like maybe don't keep waiting for someone else to love you before you begin uncovering the person that's underneath the masks, the the person that they'll eventually meet at some point, right?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you know, they need to meet the person that you you are underneath, the person that you want to be seen for, the person you want to have belong with, and and perhaps that means that that it may take years to find that person, you know, um, but it's I think it's worth waiting for that person um who can accept you and love you for who you are.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think whether whether you're single and 25 or married and 70 or anything in between, all the combinations, it's like the work remains the same.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's the work of of uncovering ourselves, of unburying ourselves, as one of one of the comment one of my friends has said in the comments.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um and every I think every future relationship is about is less about finding someone to um yeah, that I said that already.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I I think I'll leave you lastly with this quote um from a uh James Hollis.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: He's a Jungian psychologist, and he says, it takes great courage to ask this fundamental question.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: What am I asking of this other that I ought to be doing for myself?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: If, for example, I am asking the other to be mindful of my self-esteem, I have a project waiting unaddressed.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: If I am expecting the other to be the good parent and take care of me, then I have not grown up.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: If I am expecting the other to spare me the rigor and terror of living my own journey, then I have abdicated from the chief task and most worthy reason of my incarnation on this earth.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I found that quite inspiring, even in my own marriage, to just say, yeah, there's lots of places where I need to look at the places where I haven't, I haven't, haven't grown up, or I haven't, you know, I'm not doing it for myself, or I'm not, you know, um looking at my my reason for being here and the my own journey.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is something that you would like to come and speak about with other highly sensitive men, or just just hear other highly sensitive men speak about living in this way, of being this way, and just where you can exhale and be yourself, then I would invite you to the library men's group, which is tomorrow on Wednesday.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm holding it weekly on Wednesdays, so um I will leave all the links below down below for you to to join us.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I would love that.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I hope that this maybe gave you some insight into your own where you're at right now.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I would really love to hear your own experience, your own thoughts about this, what it, what it stirred, and if you've been in relationship or haven't been in relationship, and what it is that you've learned.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I what I most love about this community that we're building is that, and the men's groups too, it's just that there's men in their 70s and men in their 20s and everyone in between and all sorts of different experiences and sharing those with one another really helps us to grow, you know, to grow as a as a human being and to find find ourselves and to love ourselves so that when we get into relationship, we can have a much better relationship with that, with that other.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I'm wishing you so many blessings.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Signing off for today, XOXO Kate.