Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Navigating Parental Anxiety on the Road to Real Connection

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Navigating Parental Anxiety on the Road to Real Connection · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, I just want to say thank you for taking some time to hang out here with me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And today's episode is actually uh geared towards my parents.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, not my parents, just the parents who are listening.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, parents who ever have felt anxiety creeping in, especially in a world of uh headlines, new threats, the constant stream of advice telling you what your teen should be doing or what you should be doing to keep them safe.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, because the truth is, um, and as a parent myself, for those of you who don't know, I have my I have five kids, 20s all the way down to preteen.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the truth is we cannot out-parent the internet, we cannot out-control society or culture, and we cannot fix what we refuse to connect with.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: So for those of the parents out there who are listening who have felt that anxiety of trying to somehow control and to um kind of you know get in front of all the things that could eventually affect their teenager, um, I want to kind of dive into that with you because I do think that there is um a myth of protection through control, right?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think, and and as somebody who does, I admit I I get I I like to to control things because I feel like, you know, I have some certainty with that.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I think many of us do.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: We have to kind of also call out the fact that right now, a lot of us feel that parenting um feels at times very reactionary.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, when we think about it, and this has happened to me, you know, a turnaround and a new app has shown up or a new social media thing has shown up.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And um, you know, for a lot of parents, I think that as soon as it shows up, there's this rush to set limits on it, or, you know, there's a news story that breaks and we feel pushed to double down on rules.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: And really what's happening is that we're getting scared.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I don't want to discount that.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, understandably, we are getting scared because at the end of the day, as parents, we're trying to protect our kids, we're trying to keep them safe.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: But when we try to protect without connection, it actually backfires.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And what I mean by that is if your teen or young adult doesn't feel safe coming to you, they're not more careful.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: They're just more secretive.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: They find ways to keep things from you.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we lead our kids with fear or control or panic, what we're actually doing is unknowingly building walls.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: And those walls don't feel safe, but instead our kids uh figure out ways to kind of scale them, so to speak, right?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: They um they see the walls, but they just figure out ways to get around it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: So what protects them isn't necessarily more filters.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: What's gonna actually pay dividends is the relationship that you are cultivating with them.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: The relationship that you cultivate with them, where they feel seen and they feel heard and they feel valued and they feel witnessed, that's actually what's gonna protect them.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's the foundation.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's gonna be your safety net.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: That is gonna be the limits that you're trying to set with the apps and stuff.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually the foundation comes back to what is that relationship that you're building with your children?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: So you might be thinking to yourself, all right, comedy, that's great.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but you know, first of all, there's all these outside outside stimuli.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: But then also, I mean, you're saying connection, but what is that, what does that really look like?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that's a great question.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what what kind of what kind of connection does safety look like?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: This is an important question to ask.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not necessarily going to look exactly the same for everybody.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I can say it's not having uh a perfect, peaceful house.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's not always being the cool or the chill parent.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's not always having the right answers.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: What connection looks like is um it's as a parent, it's being vulnerable uh first and foremost.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: And what I mean by that is it is being vulnerable with your own self.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to be honest with yourself about your own feelings and your own thoughts so that you can work through those.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: But beyond that, when you're with your with your teenager or your young adult, it's about listening without judgment.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it involves letting them speak even when it is hard to hear and slowing yourself down so that you're not rushing in trying to fix it or compare it to something else or compare it to what you went through, uh, or to criticize them.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if you catch yourself every time that they're saying something, it suddenly is about you, that would be a good way to recognize that you're not really listening to them.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: You're actually in your own story.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's also important to validate their feelings, even if it doesn't make sense to you.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, even if you feel like they're being so dramatic, to them it matters.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's important to validate.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: And it's important to celebrate who they are, not just what they're doing.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because when they feel seen, not just because of what they're doing, so that we're actually teaching them that your love is not conditional, it's not transactional.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: That sticks.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, letting them fail, letting them stumble, letting them learn to get back up and not rescuing them every time, but being there to support them, that's going to create connection.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Cheering them on, even when the win is small, even when they're struggling, letting them know I am in your corner no matter what.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Even if it doesn't have the outcome that we're looking for, I am here.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Leading with your own kindness and not passivity and not permissiveness, but genuine compassion.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: And remembering that boundaries with love are actually a way that you can create a connection with them.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: So when you're creating boundaries, you're not creating these strict walls.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: You're creating, you know, ideas and lines for your teenager and young adult so that we can actually uh truly connect on a deeper level.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Not everybody talks about the dangers out there.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: We don't, you know, and not all households are talking about.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: I know I I definitely been around people who would try to shield their kids from even the news because, you know, they didn't want them to know that that stuff was out there.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: But, you know, those things matter.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we have to talk about those things.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because what's even more dangerous uh than not talking about some toxicity or what's being on the internet or peer pressure or what's happening in the news is if your teenager or young adult doesn't feel safe at home, or if your child feels that they have to walk on eggshells around you, because what happens is that teenager or young adult learns that they need to hide.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And that's more dangerous than having the difficult conversations.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's more dangerous than taking the time to actually communicate with them.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because when kids don't feel emotionally safe with us, they're gonna find somewhere where they think that they do.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Even if it's not the place that they really are safe, if they perceive safety, they're gonna go there.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: So even if that place becomes the dark, darkness or people that are not good for them, you know, that when we think about the kids who find people on the internet, they're perceiving safety with those individuals.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: So if they don't feel emotionally safe with us, they're gonna go somewhere.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so we have to do our best to find a way to create this connection with our kids.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: So if we're actually serious about protecting our teenagers and our young adults, it's less about managing and controlling their behavior.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's gotta be more about building true connected relationships with our kids.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because when they are willing to come talk to you about those things that are scaring them or that we would be scared of, of potentially them harming our kids, that's how we're gonna protect them.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: That communication, that connection is gonna be the ultimate protection.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I want you to think about this.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a parent and you're thinking, okay, stuff out there does scare me.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you're you're kind of some of this is hitting home.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to think about just a couple questions as you're mulling this over.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know, uh think about first of all, well, number one, what am I scared of?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I it's really important to be like, what what are the things that cause me the most anxiety?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because you really need to become aware of the things that are are frightening you.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: But then I really want you to take it a level deeper is when was the last time I I really, and if I'm being honest with myself, I really have listened to my teenager without immediately responding or fixing or correcting or offering advice, but just let them talk and sat there and heard them.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to think about that because sometimes we don't even realize that we're doing it and ask yourself and think about like what message do I really want to send to my to my child when they're when they are sharing something with me?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do I want to react from a place of fear or do I really want to react from a place of groundedness and and trust?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: And how can I create more space for connection between myself and my teenager?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Let me be clear.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: As a parent, I continually mess up.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: So this doesn't mean that we're gonna get this perfect, but what it does mean is that if we are a parent who really wants to focus on protecting our kids, it does mean coming back to the value of the connection and the relationship that we are building with our children, uh, coming back to building a curious, grounded, and respectful relationship with them.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's how we are going to protect them.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: What we're really going to do is raise teenagers who aren't just protected, but they are supported and they know that they're loved.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: If this has resonated with you or you feel like it would be helpful for somebody to hear, I would love for you to share it with them.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, if you'd like support with anything related to parenting or just in your own life trying to figure out how to move to the next level and want to understand how coaching could help you do that, feel free to book a time with me anytime at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Username It's Authentic Me.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.