Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1031 - 7 People of Highly Effective Villages

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#1031 - 7 People of Highly Effective Villages · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: once answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 2: When we got married, I would fly from Rockhampton to
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Brisbane to see my dentist one because I was a person.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel like a number with him.
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  Speaker 2: He knew my family, he knew me, and he loved
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  Speaker 2: seeing me grow and progress. And now here's the stars
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: of our show, my mom and dad.
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: So Kylie, today it's all about you. This is a
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  Speaker 3: topic that you thought would be great and we're going
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  Speaker 3: to dive straight into it. We're going to talk about
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: the seven or so people parents, assistance, people who are
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  Speaker 3: around that we need to have in our parenting village.
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  Speaker 3: And the reason this is all about you is because
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: if there's one thing that you say a lot on
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: this podcast, and you know this because you've been going
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: back through all of our old podcasts and listening to them,
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: it's that it takes a village. So I'm excited to
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: dive into this. I mean, we're going to be talking
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: about the butcher, the baker, the coundlestick maker. Who is
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: it that we need when mum is down for the count,
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  Speaker 3: needs help, needs support, can't do it? All on our own.
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  Speaker 3: What do we need in our parenting support village?
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  Speaker 2: So I'm going to say neighbors, teachers, friends, community leaders,
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  Speaker 2: medical professionals, surrogate aunts and uncles, and surrogate grandparents.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, so that's your list of seven. Let's break it
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  Speaker 3: down and go through them one at a time. Where
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  Speaker 3: do you want to start at the top?
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  Speaker 1: Neighbors?
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  Speaker 3: Okay, it takes a village, and it starts in your neighborhood.
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  Speaker 3: There's a lot of research. Now this is mainly American research.
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: America is a very it's a different place to Australia.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: But I think this research will really resonate with people
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  Speaker 3: whether they're on the Australian continent or the American continent.
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  Speaker 3: And that is that we see well being increase when
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: neighborhoods feel safe.
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  Speaker 2: And that's definitely been our experience oh so much. We've
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  Speaker 2: lived in neighborhoods where nobody had a front fence, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and it's just had the ability to roam wherever they
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: wanted to and it was just delightful. We've also lived
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  Speaker 2: in neighborhoods where everybody has an electric gate, yeah, and
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  Speaker 2: it literally stops social interactions.
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  Speaker 3: Well just on that. The last house that we lived
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  Speaker 3: in when we were in Brisie for that five years
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  Speaker 3: or so, we had no gate at all on our property,
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  Speaker 3: but it was a battle ax block and we were
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: sort of up behind the neighbors in front. The thing is,
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  Speaker 3: we had dogs, and so we installed a gate because
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: we didn't want the dogs escaping. There's laws about that,
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  Speaker 3: we have to keep the dogs contained. There was no
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: easy way to contain them without a gate on the driveway,
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: but we put the gate all the way up towards
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  Speaker 3: the house. In spite of that, you actually had conversations
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: with people who said, oh, yeah, I don't like to
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: drop by because you've got the gate and the gates closed,
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  Speaker 3: and it just makes it feel like the house is
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: not accessible.
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  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 3: Obviously, we can only do what we can do. Sometimes
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: we've got gates, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we have fences
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: and sometimes we don't. But this idea that the neighborhood
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: needs to feel safe and the kids really you want
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  Speaker 3: them to have the capacity of the freedom to number one,
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  Speaker 3: roam up and down the street and see their friends,
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: but number two, to know that they're safe while they're
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: doing it.
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  Speaker 2: And I think that that's the beautiful thing. We're now
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: in a neighborhood where on any given afternoon I will
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: get a text message from another parent in the street
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  Speaker 2: to just say, hey, just checking in. Is my daughter
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  Speaker 2: at your place? Which feels great because it's usually me
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  Speaker 2: I don't have a clue where she is because there
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  Speaker 2: are so many children in the street and they just
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  Speaker 2: love hanging out together.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to say something that I know you won't
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  Speaker 3: want me to say, but I think that it matters
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  Speaker 3: for illustrating just how important it is to have great neighbors,
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  Speaker 3: and when we're talking about this village, that really is
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  Speaker 3: so important. That's why we talk about it as often
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  Speaker 3: as we do. Being in a neighborhood we feel safe,
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  Speaker 3: psychologically and physically matters so much. Many many years ago.
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  Speaker 3: In fact, I'm going to share two experiences, many many
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  Speaker 3: years ago, when our eldest was only maybe three years old.
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  Speaker 3: One morning, I was getting ready for work. This was
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  Speaker 3: back when I was a radio announser. I think, well,
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  Speaker 3: maybe i'd just become a student, but I was getting
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  Speaker 3: ready for work, and I think that you were either
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  Speaker 3: dealing with one of our children, or maybe even in
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  Speaker 3: the shower.
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  Speaker 2: If it's the story. I think you're telling I was
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  Speaker 2: breastfeeding the baby.
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  Speaker 3: Ah, so you were breastfeeding the baby, and I was
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  Speaker 3: completely absent mindedly doing my own thing, getting ready for
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  Speaker 3: work because that was where my head was. And we
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  Speaker 3: got a knock on the door. It's like six forty
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  Speaker 3: five seven am. One of the neighbors has got our
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: three year old, our four year old, however old Chanelle was.
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  Speaker 3: She'd somehow gotten out the front door and started wandering
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  Speaker 3: down the street. We'd never actually met this neighbor before,
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  Speaker 3: but he just happened to see this little girl and
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  Speaker 3: happened to know that there were a couple of little
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  Speaker 3: girls where we were, so he brought a home. That's
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  Speaker 3: a great neighborhood. Compare that like how many years later,
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  Speaker 3: twelve thirteen years later, when our youngest daughter escaped from
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  Speaker 3: the house. This was a house where we didn't have
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  Speaker 3: a screen door or a front fence, and you were
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: vacuuming the house. I wasn't even home, but you know
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  Speaker 3: what it's like. You're in the house, you're doing the vacuuming,
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  Speaker 3: it's noisy, you're not really supervising your children. One hundredercent
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  Speaker 3: at the time, and you thought that she was actively
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: engaged in one activity, but she'd gotten board of that
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  Speaker 3: and stood up and somehow got the front door open
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  Speaker 3: and went for a walk. And when I say went
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  Speaker 3: for a walk, I mean she walked down the street,
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  Speaker 3: around the corner, around another corner of another street, and
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  Speaker 3: ended up near the kid's school, which was about two
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  Speaker 3: hundred meters away. Fortunately, a good friend of ours and
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: neighbor brought a home there, but our next door neighbors
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  Speaker 3: called child protection and Dobb desin for not being vigilant parents.
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  Speaker 3: It's one of those things you can't control it. In
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  Speaker 3: two episodes, twelve years apart, thirteen years apart. I don't
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  Speaker 3: think that that's a pattern. I think that there's enough
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  Speaker 3: evidence that things were okay. But being in a neighborhood
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  Speaker 3: where that happened, we couldn't get out of there fast enough.
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  Speaker 3: We also really wanted to get a screen door on
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  Speaker 3: as quickly as we could as well. But great neighborhoods matter.
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  Speaker 3: What was your second one?
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  Speaker 1: Teachers play a huge part in our kids life.
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  Speaker 3: They so much.
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  Speaker 1: They are literally there every day.
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  Speaker 3: To every teacher who does this work, thank you so much,
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  Speaker 3: Thank you for caring about.
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  Speaker 2: Our kids and The best thing we can do is
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  Speaker 2: to recognize and see our kids' teachers as part of
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  Speaker 2: their village and work together to support our children in
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  Speaker 2: whatever way they need. The times that we've had the
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: capacity to do this, our kids have flourished.
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  Speaker 3: One of my favorite stories that I share in my
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: presentations involves a mum who stormed into the school blew
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: up at a teacher because she was convinced that the
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: teacher wasn't doing his part in helping her fourteen year
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  Speaker 3: old daughter to thrive and flourish and excel at school.
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  Speaker 3: And he just listened to this withering, blistering attack that
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: she made on him, and at the end of it,
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  Speaker 3: he said, I really appreciate how much I love your daughter,
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: and I really appreciate that you come and shared this
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  Speaker 3: with me. And then he invited to sit down with him,
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  Speaker 3: and they sat side by side of the table and
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  Speaker 3: developed a plan that they could work on together as
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  Speaker 3: part of a village, as part of this community, to
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  Speaker 3: help this girl to do better at school. I wish
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  Speaker 3: that the mum had been more charitable at the beginning,
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  Speaker 3: but I'm so grateful for a teacher who was willing
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  Speaker 3: to forgive her lack of discretion and her volatility, and
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  Speaker 3: still invite her into a warm and careful conversation about
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  Speaker 3: how they could support the community around this girl.
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  Speaker 1: The third one's friends.
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  Speaker 2: It seems like such an obvious one, but each of
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  Speaker 2: these people in our village requires intentional effort, intentional action
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  Speaker 2: to create the relationships that you want. And helping your
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: children cultivate positive interactions with their peers is so important.
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  Speaker 3: Friends at school, friends outside of school equally, if not
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  Speaker 3: more important, because sometimes school can be a hard place
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  Speaker 3: and knowing that you've at least got some friends somewhere else.
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  Speaker 3: I was actually one of the most unpopular kids in
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  Speaker 3: my grade. I just had a horrible, horrile time right
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: throughout high school. But I had some great friends from church,
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  Speaker 3: and they were the ones who literally got me through.
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  Speaker 3: They were the ones that I look forward to seeing
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  Speaker 3: a couple times a week during the week and also
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: on the weekends go surfing and whatever. It was so important.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to add something else about that whole friend
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  Speaker 3: thing by Kylie, and that is that our kids need
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  Speaker 3: to see us valuing and investing in our friendships as well.
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  Speaker 3: Adulthood isn't just about going to work and doing the chores.
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  Speaker 3: We need to show our kids that we have social
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  Speaker 3: lives and that we value those friendships as well, so
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  Speaker 3: that they know how to do it.
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  Speaker 2: So Number four is community leaders, whether it be church leaders,
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  Speaker 2: youth group leaders, sports coaches, people who have a significant
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  Speaker 2: degree of separation from what your life is and specifically
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: what your children's life is, and just sees them in
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  Speaker 2: a completely different life in different space. Is such a
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  Speaker 2: beautiful space for our children to be seen for them
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  Speaker 2: and not for the family unit that they belong to.
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  Speaker 2: And I love that community leaders have always been a
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  Speaker 2: part of our village. They have always been there to
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  Speaker 2: nurture and strengthen our children in the ways that work
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  Speaker 2: for them.
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  Speaker 3: So I'm going to just quickly say something here, and
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  Speaker 3: that is that if you're hearing this one and thinking, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: it doesn't exist, I would ask what are you doing
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  Speaker 3: in your home and in your family to be a
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  Speaker 3: part of the community. As we're getting busier and busier,
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  Speaker 3: and as we're becoming increasingly individualistic, it gets harder and
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: harder to really invest in the community. But being involved
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: in the netball club or the soccer club, or the
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: surf club or the park run group, the local organizing
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  Speaker 3: committee there, or being involved in a neighborhood community group
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  Speaker 3: of some kind. It makes a difference. And having the
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: kids involved, having your family anticipating fully in these kinds
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: of things, or your local church if you have a
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: religious orientation, these things will make a difference and build
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: your community. I think there's I just I'm so glad
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: that you said that. What's Jeff forgot what number up to?
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: Well we have to number five five.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's go medical professionals. I know this one probably
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  Speaker 2: may to some people feel like a bit of an
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  Speaker 2: odd one, but growing up we had the same doctor
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  Speaker 2: my entire life. So by the time I became an
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: adult and I was looking to get married and I
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: needed to have specific conversations with him. He was a
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  Speaker 2: village member, yep, that I had confidence in going to see.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: It was built over years and years of going because
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: I had a sore finger, or I broke my leg
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: or all of those things. And he saw me grow,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: so he understood my family, my family dynamics. He saw
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: me as an individual. My dentist is another person. Nick.
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  Speaker 1: When we got married, I would fly.
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  Speaker 2: From rock Hampton to Brisbane to see my dentist one
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  Speaker 2: because I was a person. I didn't feel like a
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  Speaker 2: number with him. He knew my family, he knew me,
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  Speaker 2: and he loved seeing me grow and progress. He also
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: knew my idiosyncrasies around dentists and the fact that I
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: hate them, and he was really gentle and kind. All
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: of those things meant that I felt like I had
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: medical professionals that were on my side. They were in
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: my village.
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  Speaker 3: And my doctor just thought I was funny because I
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: showed up one day and I was worried because one
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: of my pecks, one of my pecks, was bigger than
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: the other one. I took my shirt off and I said, look,
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: I'm my body's not right. I've got my right peck
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: is bigger than my left peck. And he just thought
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: that I was his favorite client, his favorite patient from
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: then on. Because I was worried about different sized pecks.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: He explained that was normal. But having him there, I
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: couldn't talk to my parents about this. There's no way
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: I was going to talk to my parents about how
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: my right peck was bigger than my left peck and
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: I was insecure about it. I was worried about it.
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: I needed to see the doctor. So I love that
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: you said that. One I wouldn't have thought about putting
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: that in my village list, but I love that you
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: said that.
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  Speaker 2: Aunts and uncles, if we've got blood relatives around, having
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: them be a part of our kid's village is so important.
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  Speaker 2: But if we don't, who are adults in our lives
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: that can play surrogate aunt and uncle to our children,
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: who are safe, almost parental figures that can be there
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: when our kids don't feel like they can come to
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: you as mum and dad to share their worries and
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: their concerns.
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  Speaker 3: You had this as a teenager, particularly, I feel.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: Like I've always had this. I've always had people in
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: my life who have just loved me.
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: I used to call them auntie and uncle. So there
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: was a lady down the road, and when I say
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: down the road, I'm talking about like eight hundred meters
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: down the road. But though were just part of our
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: part of our extended family, and part of our village,
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: and was Uncle Hillary and Arnie Debbie. And that's just
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: what we used to call them. And they were not
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: related to us in any way, shape or form, But
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: back in those days, that's what you used to say
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: as well, everyone was your uncle or you're a artie.
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: We don't tend to say that stuff so much. We've
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: got one more, is that right? Or have I lost
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: count again?
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: No?
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Last one?
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: Surrogate grandparents. If your grandparents are around, like for some
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: of us we've lost our grandparents, they've never actually already died,
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: and so finding other older people. The wonderful gift of
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: our retirees, our great nomads, what if you want to
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: call them our older generation, is they have the time
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: that us busy parents don't have, and they can. Their
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: greatest gift is the time that they're able to spend.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: So we've got a few neighbors who fall into this bracket,
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: and they're not only our neighbors, but in so many
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: ways they play a surrogate grandparent for our nine year old. Specifically,
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: she loves going and knocking on their doors, playing with
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: their cat, and swimming in their pool, selling her little
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: trinkets and bracelets that she makes with her beads. Down
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: on their corner, they bring out their furniture, so she's
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: got a table to show everything on. She's just and
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: they'll sit there with her because they have the time.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: To do it.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: Which brings me to you've actually said the word that
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: I really wanted to emphasize. If we want to build
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: up these seven people, bring them into our parenting village,
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: create a parenting village. It comes down of time. Time
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: doesn't matter whether or not maybe it's your local watcher
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: or the local grosser or something like that. The village
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: builds as we have those brief, almost meaningless interactions at
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: the beginning, Hey, how are you going, Yeah, nice to
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: see you. Or if you go down to the local
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: cafe and they remember your favorite drink, they know that
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: I love that smoothie, they know that somebody else loves
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: that particular coffee, and you have these slow but growing,
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: simple interactions that build into a bit more of a hey,
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: how are you going? Or Hey, no kids with you today?
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: Or hey this or the conversation builds, it develops and grows,
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: and all of a sudden, this person becomes somebody that
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: you share something with a little bit extra one day.
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: The relationship grows through time, involvement, and investment.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: So we've been on the coast now for about eighteen months.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: I've been going in and out of the post office
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: for eighteen months, and one of our daughters has just
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: taken on.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: All of your book posted right. And if you haven't
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: side job.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: If you haven't yet ordered a book from Happy Families
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: dot com dotu, the Parenting Revolution is available and Annie
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: would love to pack it for you and post it
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: so that she can earn some pocket or she can
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: earn a wage, she can earn some money. But really,
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: you just want to build up the village at the
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: post office, don't you.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: Well I went down to the post office and I
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: explained to Vicki down there what needed to happen. And
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: I said that my daughter was going to be taking
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: this on. And she was literally I made her day.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: She was like, oh my gosh, I've got some news
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: for you. I am going to save you so much money.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: So she talked me through it, and I said to her, Okay,
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: this all seems like a little bit. She said, it
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: is a little bit overwhelming to start with. She said,
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: but let's just do it here for now, and then
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: we can work on the next step next next time.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: So when I went in the next day, she said,
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, she said, you left, and she said,
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: and I must need a life, she said, because I
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: thought of another way I can save you more money,
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: and so every day we go in. Now, Vicki's so excited. Oh,
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: you've only got a small pile today, Kylie. You know,
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: she's so aware of who I am that her face
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: lights up when she sees me. And we talk about
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: feeling time poor, and it's real. We have so many
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: time restraints on us, and it feels like to build
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: this village is going to be all consuming and take
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: up a lot our time. The reality is it isn't
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: going to happen overnight and it is a slow gain.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: But once you're there, that village actually helps with this
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: feeling of being time poor. This village takes your kids
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: under their wings. We've had so many beautiful people over
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: the years who literally played mum to them when I've
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: had a new baby, and they've taken the older kids
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: under their wings and just loved on them when they
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: felt like Mum didn't have the capacity to. And I
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: just feel so blessed that those people have had so
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: much beautiful and positive influence in my kid's life. It
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: doesn't detract from who I am as a parent, It
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: doesn't take diminish my efforts.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: What it does is it adds to it.
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: The Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: about making your family happier, please visit us at happy
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: families dot com dot IU. It's the Happy Families Podcast.