Latest / The Salty Pastor / Women & Relationships [Ep 139]
Transcript
- [00:00:00] Grace is something that must be protected by truth, right? It grace, without truth, no longer is grace because you can't grasp it, understand it or experience it. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Salty Pastor Podcast, a podcast dedicated to helping you learn to grow and think for yourself in your spiritual walk. We are here to help guide you to help challenge you. But ultimately you're the one that has to do the work. And you're the one that has to decide what you believe in, why you believe it. So my name is Jesse Maher. I'll be your host and we can not do the Salty Pastor Podcast without the Salty Pastor himself. Dr. Douglas Peake. Well, welcome everybody. I'm so glad you're listening today. And that you're joining with us. We've got a lot of really, uh, interesting things to study today because what we're going to do is we are going to focus on what the Bible teaches [00:01:00] about women and their relationships. Wow. This is a waters where if you go to tread, yes, yes. We're going out into the deep end of the pool where we're taking our ship into the Bermuda Triangle. We don't know if we're coming back. Um, I'd like it to be known that anything Pastor Doug says that you ladies don't agree with. I also don't agree with your... Hedging your best! I still have to date at some point, Pastor Doug. So, uh, You don't want to undermine the potential of Katie. I am kidding. I believe in you Pastor Doug. I know that you're going to do the ladies right. And yes we are. It's going to be exciting today. You know, I'm going to venture forth into the unknown. The great white north, where angels fear to tread. And we are going to hopefully diagnose women in order to help them discover how to be more happy. How to be more fulfilled in their relationships, how to be more at [00:02:00] peace in life. And so we're going to start with the scriptures and what they teach about the nature of women. And then on Thursday, we're going to dig into. Why, what society is telling women, messaging women and exemplifying for women that is complicating their happiness or potential happiness, their fulfillment, their meaning in life, their pursuit of joy in all of these things. So it's going to be interesting. So I think what we ought to do. Interesting is definitely a word. It's definitely a word so, well, I just want everybody to know ladies. I am not, uh, delving into this, uh, with my own opinion. I'm just going to share with you what the scriptures teach and you make up your own mind. I hope though, to say some things that the world is unwilling to say, and in the process, your self discovery goes up. And not down. And our texts that we've been working from is Ephesians chapter four, verses one [00:03:00] through five. It says be diligent to preserve the bond of unity, you know, live up to the worthy to the calling, to which you have been called. So ladies you've been called to a great calling, a higher calling, a wonderful calling. I want you to be able to be diligent, to discover and live in that. And then in verses 17 through 32 of the vision, chapter four, he talks about how we must put off the old self and then we need to adopt a new attitude of the mind. And then he lists seven practical steps in which we can do this. So I think we need to start with the first practical step where it says each one of you put aside falsehood and speak truthfully to one another. So we need to speak truth to one another and let's discover what the Bible actually teaches. The concept of the nature of women because the nature of men and the nature of women are different, right? One is male. [00:04:00] One is female. Was this revealed to you in a vision? No, uh, it's what the Bible teaches. So I think it's really, really important to understand, uh, the notion of the nature of women is that first and foremost, you are created in the image of God. All right. So you are created with a soul that is driven by desires that reflect the image of God. So that's really important to understand, uh, the desires to be, uh, loved and to love others, to be affirmed, to be fulfilled, to be valued, to be secure and to be protected, and cared for it. These are values or desires of your soul. And it's interesting because males have desires that are a little bit [00:05:00] different. They're more of the masculine side. And I think it's really important to understand is like grace is something that must be protected by truth, right? It, grace, without truth, no longer is grace because you can't grasp it, understand it or experience it. And in the same way, The female values or drives of the soul are more difficult to experience and understand without the masculine and vice versa. You know, the masculine is difficult to understand without the feminine. The contrast is important. Learned about that a lot in graphic design or videography. If you really want something to really pop and have its full focus, you have to give something for it to contrast. If all you do is put the same color behind it or the same things, you don't see it for what it is because it's blending in. But when you start adding contrast in [00:06:00] colors or you, you put it against a contrasting background of some sort, that's when you can really go, oh my gosh, I really see the full beauty of this image or this, this artwork or whatever. And so I think, and that's what I'm saying, it's the same in, Yeah. And that's why God, when he created Adam and put them in the garden, he said, it's not good for him to be alone. You know, there's no corresponding, there's no contrast to him. So that's the first thing. The second thing the Bible teaches very specifically is that males and females, men and women fell. Okay. They sinned against God. They became imperfect and they invited evil into their own lives. They invited evil into the world, and this is called the fall of humanity by inviting evil in what they did is they separated themselves from God. It says they were naked and ashamed, so they covered themselves. So what [00:07:00] they did is. God had to remove them from his presence because imperfection cannot exist in the presence of perfection. So a person who understood this was Isaiah. And if you go to Isaiah chapter six, where he is brought into the presence of God, You know, the first thing isn't wow, this is so cool, man. Check this out. He brought in the presence of God and he goes, whoa is me for I'm a man of unclean lips. So here's the leading spiritual leader of Israel, probably more spiritual and pure than anybody else. And he's scared to death because he's like, I'm going to be toast. I can't be in the presence of God. You know, remember when Moses asked if he could see God and God said, No, because if you see me, you will cease to exist. Right? So he hides in the cleft of a rock and God walks by. Right. And then leaves. And also you, sees is like the wake, you know, called the [00:08:00] train of his glory. It's the after effect of his presence and that in and of itself, lights him up so much... I say, he came down glowing, right? Not the phrase we use today to describe, you know, people when they're like glowing after marriage or, you know, maybe a woman during her pregnancy. You're glowing. You're there. They're saying like he wore a veil over his face right? Because he was like emanating light from his face. You couldn't gaze on his visage, but basically, uh, it's important to understand ladies that you fell just like men fell, fell, and that, uh, it plays out differently. Because we invited evil into the world. We're tainted by sin. So now are the desires of our soul. As we seek to fulfill them can be, uh, influenced perverted or tainted. Right? And so if you go to chapter three of the book of Genesis, you'll see the impact of the taint and to the woman, God says, [00:09:00] look your will. I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth. Okay. In pain, you shall deliver children, yet, your desire will be for your husband and he shall rule over you. So this is a regulatory statement. That's as an axiomatic truth. It's a truth that has been revealed to us by God. It exists. Okay. Now that's the easy part. However, understanding what it means is more difficult because we're not Jews marching across the Negev desert in the wilderness after 400 years of slavery. Right. So, so, well, what exactly does doesn't mean? I don't speak Hebrew. A Hebrew, can be pretty vague in a lot of areas. And so unless you're steeped in that culture, you may not understand what he's talking about. So I'm not going to give you a full throated explanation of everything, but here's some basic things that we can take from it. And that is it. These basic things are going to help you [00:10:00] understand ladies on a deeper level, how the taint influences the desires of your soul. One of the implications of this statement from God about females. Is that, you are going to desire things in your soul. These, these desires are powerful and strong. Uh, and you're going to seek intimate relationships in order to fulfill those desires. You know, uh, many women, you know, want to fall in love and get married. You know, 97% of the human population gets married. Doesn't matter what your religion is, what your socioeconomic status is. Continent you were born on it doesn't matter. So we see this, wow, this is really true. And through a parent- child relationships, through family relationships, very, very close friends, women seek to have their soul desires filled by the intimate [00:11:00] relationships around them. And I think that's the meaning of your desire shall be for your husband. Okay. So that's really important. So whenever a woman, and I think the conclusion here is that whenever a woman seeks to fulfill the deepest desires of her heart through an intimate relationship with another person, instead of from God, her life moves from enjoyment and fulfillment, to disappointment, to, uh, insecurity and to control. So that's really the essence of your nature ladies is that when you seek to fulfill the desires of your soul through your intimate relationships, as opposed to your relationship with Christ, you move from contentment, security, fulfillment, enjoyment to disappointment, insecurity, and sometimes control. So that's a really significant thing to [00:12:00] understand about your nature. Well, and I think what's interesting is, I mean, you've kind of alluded to this or outright said it in that its, these desires that were innate within us have basically been perverted or they've been, they've been shifted because of the sin in our lives. And so what would have been a healthy, like my relationship with God matters first. And then my relationship with my husband it's now turned into, well, maybe God's name involved in my relationship at all with my relationship. Many women, God is not involved in that. And so then that cross causes so many issues and then they don't understand why their relationships are falling apart or way they're. Um, uncontent with the, with the way that their relationships are, you know, things are not working. And so, um, a lot of that comes from that perversion that occurred. Correct. And the curse says basically, uh, your desire will be for him, but he shall rule over you. So when, relationships are not perfect when they are tainted by the [00:13:00] curse. Then the way you resolve conflict tends to be through power and control. Right? You see it's a, it becomes a power relationship. It's not a loving relationship. And what's really interesting as a curse for men, it says the ground is cursed now because of you. So there's a physical curse on the ground and it says through hard labor, you will eat from it all the days of your life. So he says, okay, now you're the provider, right? And so you're going to have to work really hard to get the world, the earth to provide food. He says, by the sweat of your face, you shall eat the bread until you return to the ground. Because from the ground you were taken for, you are dust and to dust, you shall return. And so what's really interesting about that is men generally find fulfillment in work. You know, they work and they're driven to work. And so, but if they use work to fulfill the deepest desires of their soul, what happens, they're going to be, [00:14:00] yeah, they're messed up. Content's miserable. They're in-content and miserable, you know? So I, I think, and I think what's really important there is that when it comes to women, is that the Bible is teaching. That we don't just have a spiritual taint, but there's a physical taint as well. You know, the ground is tainted, right. And your pain and childbirth is increased. So there's a physical manifestation of the taint. Paul references this in Romans where he says that the earth groans as with birth payings, you know, because the, the evil effects it physically. Right. As well as spiritually, that's really important to understand. And so, uh, the desire that a woman will have for sexual intimacy or relational intimacy comes from our nature being created in the image of [00:15:00] God. So your desire to be sexually intimate with your husband comes from being created in the image of God. And this is seen in the promise that the man shall leave his. My mother and father and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. However, this physiological drive that women have is influenced by the taint, just like it's men and their sex drives are influenced by the tank. And it's important to understand how you're influenced this helps you understand yourself better. Your drive for sexual intimacy may come from the image of God with in you, for the purpose of creating life. See, this is one of the things that we are invited by God to be co-creators of life. Where do souls come from? They come, they develop in the life of babies. Right, right. And then they become souls. And I mean, not as an, a phenomenal act, we are creating new souls. Souls are not preexistent floating around out there. God created them and they're just [00:16:00] waiting for a physical body to bloop show up this. We are with God creating life. Right. You know, and we are populating heaven every time new souls are brought in. So that's a phenomenal thing to think about across the board. M th there's research that shows the power of this physical drive within women. Uh, Rachel Hertz and Michael Inlets can pronounce his name. Uh, professors at NYU and brown did a study and they discovered that natural body odor was the greatest influencer on women for attractiveness. There, there was a cost to you. I thought it was really funny. What they did is they took, um, they took a hundred college students, right? 50 females and 50 males. And what they did is they took a blood sample of all of them, all of them. And they genetically mapped them. And then they said, okay, computer, you know, who's the best genetic matches if they were to produce a child. And so they got this and it was all kind of [00:17:00] blend. Then what they did is they told the guys and the gals to. Uh, go and work out in the gym and their gym clothes and sweat and get them all sweaty. And then they threw their clothes, their clothes, their gym, clothes in bags, and then they would go and they would smell them. Right. And what was really interesting is based just on smell blind smell, they couldn't see what was in the box or anything they could just smell is they said, well, this is attractive. This is, I like the smell. I like the smell. And what they're smelling is. Sweaty gym clothes. Right. And what was fascinating? Someone who used to clean, uh, locker rooms in college, that's something else triggering. Some things inside of it. But what happened is in the study, what it showed ladies is this is that you subconsciously are driven by these smells. And what happened is the females picked as attractive the, the most genetically appropriate [00:18:00] match for them without ever meeting the guy. So, ladies, what does this tell you? Well, it tells you that there's a lot of things that are going on that influence your attraction. Um, here's, here's another research study shows that single women are attracted to different things depending upon, uh, who they meet and who they're around in proximity to their menstrual cycle each month. So if you're a single woman and it's really close to your menstrual cycle, or you're in it, you're, you're going to be attracted differently too. You're going to find different things attractive of from the males around you, as opposed to the further away from your cycle that you are. Our research shows that when females are put on the pill in their teenage years, if you're put on the pill at 15 or 16, and you've been taking the pill for 10 years, guess what they have found that what you are attracted to is different. It actually influences and changes [00:19:00] your attraction. So, so, okay. What does this mean, ladies? Well, okay, so. If my attraction can change even on base physiological influences, how much can I actually trust my attraction radar? Right. You see, well, on some level you have to trust it, but do you want to put all your eggs in that basket? Right? You see that that's something to understand about yourself, ladies, because guess what? Research shows also that what you are attracted to when you are first falling in love, and then you first get married is changes after you have what, children. So once you have children, then you start to be attracted to something different in your spouse. And this is where rough water really hits. You know, see, [00:20:00] see if your attraction radar is tainted a little bit, you know, this is what I call the advent of the bad boy, right. Late something, a lot of girls like the bad boy, you know, but that's actually tainted your, your. You know, because how many times ladies have you gone out with someone in your past and you thought, oh, this is going to be so fun and exciting. And then you absolutely regret it. You go, boy, that was a train wreck, a dumpster fire. And they were going to do that again. Well, that's because you can't put all your eggs in your attraction basket. Because even though being attracted to guys, being wanting to be intimate and fall in love and be married, comes from your created in the image of God. You have to realize though that because human beings invited evil into the world, that physical attraction can be manipulated. And. Tainted. So I'd like to wrap up the first part of, uh, what the Bible teaches about the nature of women is this. Until you really understand the taint and how it influences you, how it [00:21:00] influences, how you think, what you're attracted to. Guess what, you won't understand how you might be undermining your own close personal relationships. So it doesn't matter if you're single. It doesn't matter if you're married. Until you understand how the taint influences your drives and your feelings and your emotions about your closest and most intimate relationships, then you'll tend to not be able to recognize what you might be doing. That undermines them. So, um, I mean, you've kind of talked about a little bit of some of the practical ways these, these things influence women today, right? These, these curses we've, we've talked about, um, you know, things might change after you had children about what your attraction is. Is there anything else that you want to touch on before we move on to, um, finding out how to not have bad relationships but good relationships? Well, my goal [00:22:00] and the goal and the biblical teaching, I think is that women can discover who they really are and be completely fulfilled. That's the key, you know, to be redeemed by Christ and be fulfilled and live the most joyous, abundant life that you can imagine because your true self is waiting for you and Jesus. You know, CS Lewis said that. And I think one of the things you got to do is just be really aware that what you are attracted to will change over time. Like I said, with children, it, it impacts, you know, once you have children and then once you pass child bearing years, what you're attracted to and your husband is going to change dramatically. Okay. So just realize that the other thing you have to really understand is on a subconscious level, it's called the principle of hypergamy. And this, let me define what hypergamy is. Hypergamy is the concept that a social scientist, a psychologist who studied women and attraction and intimate [00:23:00] relationships have discovered. What women do is they are attracted to males that provide a competency, you see, and security and provision. So they have to be competent. And subconsciously they're drawn towards that. There's also a genetic component. Are they a decent genetic match for me? And so you will be attracted to that, but what's interesting is once you find a male. You can subconsciously be driven to attract a man to a male who is more competent and prov is a better provider. Okay. And so this is why women get crushes. This is why, you know, married women can get a crush or they can, these things happen and you think, oh, it's just my emotions. Well, no, actually it is a subconscious drive it's called hypergamy and psychologists have really defined it. Case and point. [00:24:00] All research across the board shows that women will not be attracted to men who are perceived to be lower on the social hierarchy than themselves. So this is becoming a huge problem at the university level, because right now, six out of 10 students at the university are females. 40% are male. So you have this, you have this drop, then you get into graduate school level stuff, masters and PhDs and stuff like that. It's off the chart. Female, you know, sometimes 70, 80%. There is a gal who wrote a feminist. She got barbecued for this is, she said, ladies, if you don't find a mate in college, you're out of luck. She wrote that because the competition is so bad, but what she was getting at is what this research shows is that the more highly educated you become as a female and the more successful financially you become as a female. What you're doing is you are subconsciously narrowing the field of males that you are [00:25:00] attracted to. You see you're narrowing that, and what ends up happening. You're you start competing for a very select group of men, and guess who's figured this out. The men. Yeah. Well, the men have figured this out. And so why commit when you have 10 women chasing you? Right. And you look at dating apps and all the analytics on data, dating apps, they say the same thing, 60, 70% of the women on all dating apps go after the top five to 8% of the males on the app. You know, so if you're, you're one of those guys, one out of 10 guys and you're getting inundated, you know, it just appeals to the baser human drive of a male. Right? And so this is really important to understand, be aware that your attraction to males changes over time and also be aware that you're driven by hypergamy. Okay. And so your biggest temptations, your biggest struggles, I think are going to be outflowing from the tainted [00:26:00] principle of hypergamy. Okay. You just have to be aware of that and how it influences that you see hypergamy influences your satisfaction in your own marriage, because instead of being content with the man, you have, you tend to want to think subconsciously that well, if he were a better man, I would be more happy. Um, and so then you start to drive the relationship to make him a better man. And you all know where that goes. I mean, I've heard of this. I bet my listeners all know. Uh, okay. Well where you're getting close to the end of the time, but I want to, we've been using Ephesians four as kind of a template for practical steps. We went through those steps. Um, as a general look, we did the men last week. Can we, um, rapid fire through them for the ladies really quick, as far as how those seven practical steps will apply to the ladies specifically? Yeah, I think, you know, laying aside falsehood and speaking truth to yourself, It's probably the greatest first step, you know, be honest with [00:27:00] yourself if you're single and you're unhappy with your dating life, why is that really? I mean, get past just the, the bumper sticker stuff. Well, there's not any good men anymore. I can't find a guy or some women, you know, blame it on God. Well, God just hasn't brought the guy into my life yet. Well, okay. Well really, really, I mean, Get it, get down to it. Why are you dissatisfied with it? Do you have expectations and they're not being met. Okay. Why are they unmet? What, what is it about the environment that you're in? That's good. You should invite, you should evaluate that. But also what about you that has these expectations? You know, some I've heard women say, well, I guess love just isn't in the cards for me and I'm going well, what are you looking for? And you know, and they have a list, the size of the encyclopedia, Britannica and requirements. And it's just like, Okay, maybe your expectations are unrealistic. See, I don't know ladies, what your situation is. All I do know is this, if you're unhappy about it, you want to find love, and you're [00:28:00] not then be really honest with yourself. If you're married, right, I think that it's really important to understand that. Um, you have to be honest with why you're unhappy about your marriage. You, you really need to understand now what you need to do is you need to define and, uh, the difference between abuse and not getting what you want. And you can't say not getting what I want, um, is abuse. Right? Right. You know, abuse is specific. It's highly defined. Now, if you're in a situation with the abuse, address it immediately and get out. The other thing though, is that most of the time. There is no abuse, right? And so you really need to understand on, be honest with yourself. Why are you so dissatisfied? Well, maybe your husband isn't as loving and caring and stuff is, is he should be, or will be, but also you have to evolve, yourself. And this means [00:29:00] you need to deal with your anger and hurt. Unresolved anger is toxic to all of your relationships. And if you're married, you need to practice forgiveness regularly because I'll tell you what, because you define your meaning and value through your relationships, you'll tend to be less forgiving of those who are most intimate with you. You have high expectations of them. Guess what the intimacy will bleed out of that in that close relationship. If you are angry. You see this is the number one tactic of the devil. This is why he uses it as a strong hold in your life. It trips you up every time hypergamy causes you to compare. You can't help, but compare, you compare other husbands, you compare other wives, you compare the way they dress, what their hair looks like, the cars they drive. You compare, you compare, compare. Why do you do that so much? Why can't you stop because of hypergamy. Well, guess what? You need to realize that that's what drives you to do it. And then [00:30:00] that will allow you to defeat it with truth. You can become a truth speaker to yourself. You know, uh, I remember Tim Keller in this phrase, he said, stop listening to yourself and start listening to yourself. So I thought that was interesting. He's defining, and this is what Paul says in 17 through 20, he says, put off the old self and put on the new self. He goes on. So, so deal with your anger. Don't let it see, been, you know, use your words well. Angry woman. Women tend to use words really, really poorly and Proverbs 21: 9. It says it is better to live on the corner of a roof that in a house shared with a contentious woman. And Proverbs 21:19, it says it is better to live in the desert land than with a contentious and irritating woman. In 27 verse 15, it says a constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious women are alike. Um, the writer Proverbs ain't pulling any punches there, ladies. It was, [00:31:00] uh, he had a opinion that is for sure. Yeah. Now I understand that. You're going to say, well, men are just as bad or where she had it. Okay. Don't compare. I'm just saying, if you start with yourself, you can understand yourself and this is going to help you discover a more rich and fulfilling, meaningful life. You see if you have unresolved conflict with your husband, instead of fighting about it. Why not try and understand that he's wired differently than you. When you are in a conflict or in a problem. You want to talk about it. You want to express feelings about it. You know, I have heard men say that the four or five most frightening words in the English language are "Honey, we need to talk." He's like, uh, that's like, I, you know, it's too vague understand that your man is wired by God differently. He's wired to be solution-oriented right. So whenever there's a conflict or something, approach it, use your words [00:32:00] well. You start off like this, say, "Honey, we don't seem to be on the same page about this." Fill in the blank. How can we get on the same page? Well, what you've done is you've just framed it in a way that really appeals to the way guy has wired him. Because now what he's thinking is how can I fix it? And what's really fascinating is if you are around guys who are working on problems, they will readily admit their mistakes. They will readily admit their failures. They're an aptitudes or whatever, right. Because they are in a frame of reference to fix the problem. And if they're part of the problem, they immediately admit it and move on. If you don't have that paradigm construct. And the guy is just, let's sit around and talk about our deficiencies and stuff like that, or our feelings about them. That then a guy will never admit it. He'll be defensive. You know, he'll try to weasel a lot of it. Cause what you're doing is you're asking him to play a game. You're asking him to play the blame game. Right. And if you're asking him to play the blame [00:33:00] game, you're saying I'm going to come and tackle you. And so if he's got the ball, what's he going to do? Run, he's gonna run. He's gonna Dodge and weave is going to do everything until you tackle him. And so that, so understand how men are wired and use your words well. You know, ask questions like, well, how can we resolve this in a win-win for both of us. Oh, okay. We've got to both wins. See, these are solution oriented questions. That frame conversations in way that are so much productive. Now I could keep going on and on and on, but these are just some, uh, uh, fast, rapid things that I think ladies can think about using Paul's seven practical steps. If you take those practical steps and you ride them out and then start thinking to yourself, how can I apply this to my dating life? I think what you're going to find is you're going to find so much more success in your dating life. If you're married, start to apply them to your husband. I think you're going to start to find more success and more happiness, in that relationship as well. [00:34:00] Well, we don't want you guys to miss out on Thursday, Pastor Doug's going to be taking us through how society is undermining women and their relationships. Um, whether it's a romantic relationship parenting or, um, just even work relationships or friends, there's a lot of undermining going around. So we want you to join us on Thursday here on the Salty Pastor Podcast, to learn more about how you can improve your relationships in your life as women. And men for you, don't tune out. This is important that you understand how the women in your life also are experiencing and what they're going through so that you can better interact with them as well. So make sure you're also tuning in men so that you get a better idea. We are here in beautiful Boise, Idaho, and we'll see you on Thursday Blessings.