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The Elephant in the Room: Interacting with People Living with Cancer · Talking FACS

0:01
Welcome to talking facts and thank you for tuning in to cancer conversations on talking facts.
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A podcast collaboration between the University of Kentucky,
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Markey Cancer center and the U.
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K.
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College of Agriculture,
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food and environments Cooperative extension service.
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We will share with you the latest developments in cancer prevention,
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diagnosis,
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treatment and research from the experts at Markey Cancer center,
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Kentucky's only national Cancer institute designated cancer center.
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Talking facts is hosted by the U.
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K.
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Family and consumer Sciences extension program.
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Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
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families and communities to improve quality of life.
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Hello and welcome to talking facts what you need to know about family,
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food,
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finance and fitness.
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I am your host,
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Mindy McCully,
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extension specialist for instructional support at the University of Kentucky today is a tough topic but it is an important one.
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We're going to talk about the C.
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Word.
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We're going to talk about cancer.
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We're going to talk about it because it may be bigger than you think.
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So let me share some statistics with you to get us started.
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According to the american cancer society,
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one in three people in the U.
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S.
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Will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime.
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In 2021,
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The American Cancer Society predicts an estimated 1,898,160 new cases of cancer And 608,000 570 cancer deaths.
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This equates to 5200 new cases 1670 deaths daily.
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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Reports that cancer is the second leading cause of death in the United States.
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The 2021 estimates for Kentucky which has the highest cancer mortality rate in the United States includes 30,270 new cases and 10,090 deaths each year.
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Cancer affects millions of people in Kentucky and beyond as a patient caregiver,
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family member or friend.
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If you found these cancer statistics staggering,
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we will provide a link in our show notes where you can go back and find more information about these statistics.
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So it is our hope today that by talking about cancer in particular how to interact with people living with cancer that we can educate,
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help ease anxiety,
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Debunks the myths and make people more comfortable talking to and interacting with those who are living with cancer.
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To help me with today's talking facts.
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I am pleased to introduce Sheila,
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fall Bush,
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Sheila and I have been colleagues for more than 20 years and she is the veteran FCS agent in Shelby County.
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Sheila also is living with cancer.
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Amy kostelic is also joining us today and you all are familiar with Amy as the associate extension professor for adult development and aging.
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Amy has worked with Sheila and other extension faculty to develop an FCS Cancer caregiving program called Kentucky cancer.
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So welcome to you both.
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Hello Mindy.
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Hey thanks for having us Mindy Sheila.
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I am especially glad that you're here today because you have the experience of actually living with cancer.
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So do you want to just tell us a little bit about that today?
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Well,
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I'm I'm happy to be here today to talk with you all and the audience about cancer having lived with cancer.
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I want to share my experience about what worked and what didn't work when people talk to me.
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I had surgery for cancer in early may and I was home recuperating and I just wanted to share one moment that really worked really well for me.
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A moment that really touched my heart was when when my 11 year old granddaughter came to visit and she so gently asked me nana,
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does your tummy feel better?
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She asked the question is such a sincere caring tone of voice.
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It totally touched my heart.
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And it was a really good explanation of how people should talk with friends and family members that have cancer.
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I know that that is probably going to be a memory that you will both hold forever.
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Right.
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Right.
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And I know that each person experiences cancer differently,
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even those with the same type.
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So the same approach may not work for everyone.
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But is there a cancer etiquette that we should keep in mind?
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I can chime in on that one.
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And I think there really is,
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you know,
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people sometimes say things whether it's cancer or different illness or even with death,
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but they say things without even realizing that they've been offensive or they've said something inappropriate and I don't think that's ever anyone intent.
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Um and trying to you know,
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speak with someone,
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but the cancer treatment centers of America did develop what they called this cancer etiquette kind of these rules of conduct for communicating with the cancer community to help people talk to someone who is living with cancer who or who has had cancer.
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And they put it together actually with the help of cancer survivors who over time had shared these awkward moments or a series of upsetting encounters so that people can learn from really kind of what other people did uh and what other people said so that we can feel more comfortable talking and knowing what to say or like with Sheila saying,
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you know when her granddaughter you know approached her and just that I hope your tummy feels better.
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You know,
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those are thoughtful words that can be you know helpful and and needed.
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So the american cancer society actually stresses about talking to people with cancer in a way that you have to feel comfortable.
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Um I think about that with my best friend,
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she lives in Arkansas and we are very,
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very different and the way she approaches the world.
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Um and the way I approach it are really different.
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And so sometimes we have to think about that from our standpoint on what she says and what she thinks is comforting may not be what I think is comforting if that makes sense.
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Um and so sometimes I think you do have to sort of say,
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okay,
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what is within my comfort zone because it's got to be real and be real coming from you and you really want to make sure that when you express concern that you're being honest,
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that the concern is real,
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that you have honest,
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sincere encouragement and support,
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choose your words wisely.
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You don't want to talk about yourself too much.
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You want to stay connected with the person,
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laugh when it's appropriate to laugh,
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act normal because the people,
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you know,
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are we're all still normal people putting on our shoes in the morning.
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You want to listen,
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You don't want to minimize someone else's experience.
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We've got to follow with the other people's lead a lot of what's going to come from that.
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Like I said with my best friend,
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um you know,
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sometimes she's gonna have to listen to who I am and what I want or need and that may guide her in the way she talks to me perhaps.
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And the cancer etiquette also talks about making people feel important to make people still feel needed.
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That it's okay to share encouraging stories that you really need to say what you mean.
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Not just to say things just for the sake of saying things.
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We've got to respect privacy,
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going back to humor.
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We've got to use humor carefully and really just be respectful.
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And those are just a few suggestions from the american cancer society.
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Thanks amy Those are great suggestions.
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But let me start talking a little bit about choosing words wisely,
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really,
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you need to try to put yourself in that person's shoes that's dealing with cancer and think about,
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you know,
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if this were me,
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what would I want to hear and what would the person find helpful?
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So putting yourself in their shoes and trying to avoid cliches.
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I know when I was getting the cancer diagnosis and I was just trying to learn to live with that.
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You really are still yourself.
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Just living with cancer.
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It's one more ball.
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You're juggling just one more challenge in your life.
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One simple comment while meant to inspire a person can quickly really mess with your attitudes and emotions,
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especially when you're calling your friend or your family member.
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So brave and a fighter and warrior.
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Well,
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they really don't need the additional pressure.
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It's the first time I had dealt with something like cancer personally.
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So I was just trying to stay positive myself and I wasn't really aiming to try to be a fighter,
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a warrior inspirational to someone else.
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One woman shared that she felt if she lost her battle to breast cancer,
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it would be because she had not fought hard enough.
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It would be because she gave up and let people down.
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Another woman said she did not feel brave or inspirational at the moment.
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She was just trying to live well the life she had left and I think that really says it all that the person who is living with cancer is trying to just continue living their life and and just making the most of each moment and each day as they,
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as they live as they did before.
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So before you speak,
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think about what you would need or want to hear.
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In addition think about the person who is living with the cancer and use language appropriate to him or her because they may not think like you as you said,
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amy and they may be comforted by different words that would comfort you.
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So you have to think about their personality and what you know of that person and what would encourage them.
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Give them some positive vibes.
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I love what you said there.
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I think as you choose your words,
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it is important not to minimize someone else's experience.
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You don't know that the person will be fine.
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So just don't say that instead,
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tell them that you're,
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you're sorry that this is happening or that you hope that everything will be okay.
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But also remember that there is no good cancer.
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So don't downplay what they're going through or what they have,
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just make sure that they understand that you're there for them.
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Yeah,
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I think one way Mindy you just said minimize someone's experience,
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but I think to help avoid minimizing someone's experiences to really listen and we've been kind of saying this without using the word listen,
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listen to what people are saying.
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And I think there's a difference.
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We've probably talked about this and other podcasts between listening and hearing.
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Remember when I was in college,
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I I was doing a practicum and I went back to my religion professor and I said,
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I'm exhausted,
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I'm so exhausted today after meeting with my my people.
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And he said,
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why?
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Why do you think that is?
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And I told him about our conversation and And how I I just,
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you know,
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was so emotional about it.
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We talked then I was 19 or 20 years old about the difference between listening and hearing and he said,
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you know,
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you just had an experience that not everyone has,
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you didn't just listen to them.
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You heard what they were saying,
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you felt what their words meant.
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And I didn't think about that at the time until I had that conversation with my professor and I think that is so powerful.
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And I think about that.
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Now,
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there are times when I listen to somebody and I just finish the conversation and go on with my day and I am not exhausted.
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And then I read it realized I recognized I didn't really hear what they said.
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Um and so I think it's really important in try not to minimize someone's experience is that we really hear what a person is saying and pay attention and you're concentrating on their words.
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You're even concentrating on the nonverbals.
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Again,
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I mentioned earlier in cancer etiquette,
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you really want to follow their lead.
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Um you don't want to interrupt.
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And so I think part of hearing what they say,
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watching for those verbal cues might give you some better insight as to what you can say or what you shouldn't say,
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or maybe there doesn't need to be anything said at all.
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Sometimes sitting in silence can be really powerful,
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but can be really hard for people to do.
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And relating to listening includes respecting privacy.
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If someone tells you that they have cancer and shares the details of your journey,
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it's really not your job to tell others about that.
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And I remember when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and she was given a prognosis that she chose not to share with anyone and that included us as her Children.
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And my father,
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my father knew the prognosis and her doctor knew the prognosis.
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My father felt like he had to tell his boss what the prognosis was because that was going to impact his work life.
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And my I remember after mom passed away and and dad told us that she got so mad when she found out that he had told his boss her prognosis because she was friends with his boss's wife and she was afraid that he was going to tell his wife what her prognosis was.
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And he was like,
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no,
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she he's not gonna tell anybody.
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I just had to tell him.
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That turned out that my mom lived three times longer than what her prognosis was,
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which is why she did not want anybody knowing what her prognosis was because she was bound and determined not to let her prognosis be her death sentence.
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But you know,
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that that is so important that if someone has told you what their cancer diagnosis or what the prognosis is,
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that it's not yours to tell.
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And so don't take it personally.
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You can take time for people to adjust to diagnosis and be ready to talk about it.
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Yeah,
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you're right about that mindy.
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When I first heard it,
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it took a while to process,
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you know,
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before surgery,
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it was a possibility it might be cancer,
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but I didn't know yet.
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But it's pretty lonely and pretty scary when you're thinking about it all by yourself.
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So,
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it is really good to be able to talk to other people,
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whether it's your family,
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member,
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coworkers,
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maybe church,
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friends,
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church family,
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you have a higher power talked to God about it,
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listening is always good advice.
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And the people who love you are ready to listen to you.
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They won't have all the answers,
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but they're going to be empathetic and when they listen to you,
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it's really going to help you be able to work it out in your mind and think about what you plan to do in the future and how you're going to fight this cancer and how you're going to be strong through it.
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So,
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it's really important that someone is listening and they're empathetic.
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It's also okay to share stories with each other cancer patients.
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Like to hear cancer survivor stories we really do that provides.
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But don't say they had the same thing as you because no two cancers are exactly the same.
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They're at different stages.
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They're gonna affect people differently,
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even if it's the same cancer prognosis,
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like breast cancer,
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endometrial cancer,
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it's gonna be different for everyone.
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Instead share a story and try to connect to people with similar diseases or use this story to let the person know you're familiar with cancer because you've been through it with another person.
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But do listen to this.
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Please please avoid stories with unhappy endings.
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The person who has cancer.
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When I was processing the cancer diagnosis,
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I was really personally trying to stay positive and gear up for a fight against the cancer.
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So,
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it would not have helped me to know that 90% of people with your cancer,
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they just simply die.
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I don't want to hear anything like that because that was not my intention.
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And that's not where I was going with it.
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BBB positive and encourage them to keep positive about it.
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I think you are so right,
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and let's talk a little bit more about taking their lead because that's exactly what you've been talking about,
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right Sheila,
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right,
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definitely.
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It's gonna be different for every person.
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Some people are going to be very open and they will want to or need to talk about their cancer and the treatment and the experience while others are going to remain private.
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For me personally,
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it was a comfort to me and it was good to know that I had all my family and friends on my side that they were there cheering me on and they knew what was going on because cancer is not just a private diagnosis,
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it affects the whole family and your friendship structure.
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So I wanted them to be involved because I knew they were hurting also and they were concerned you don't,
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but you don't always have to talk about the cancer and sometimes a person is going to want to break from cancer and an opportunity to feel normal.
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What really helped me a lot is when we were waiting for the cancer diagnosis and what was going on,
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I had a sister retreat with my sister.
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We went away to her river house and we made soap for friday evening.
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Cancer was out of the picture the first time I ever made soap and was so much fun.
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It was so exciting and she just took me out of the moment say life is going on,
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Let's learn a new thing together.
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Let's have fun together.
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So in those moments,
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learned something new exchange of funny story or talk about your day.
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Um,
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life is still going on for you for me it was going on and my family are my friends and families,
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anybody who has had cancer now or is living with the cancer diagnosis in the past,
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life is still going on.
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I personally wanted to embrace and live in the present day while planning for the future and yes,
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I had a plan to fight cancer and to do my best to stay well.
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But I wanted to enjoy the day that I was given.
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It is the gift of life,
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the present.
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That's why it's called the Present.
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That's right.
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I love that story.
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I think that is exactly right and I love taking the cue from the patient and I think that is just part of being considerate.
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So maybe you don't ask about the tumors that they have or what stage cancer is,
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but maybe if the person wants you to know these things and they then trust that they will share it.
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Exactly.
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I personally,
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I personally was and am open today to discussing about my cancer journey because I realized again that my cancer impacts my friends,
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my family and my coworkers.
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But I have the blessing of being able to talk about a good prognosis surgery took the cancer away.
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It was an aggressive cancer radiation followed and now there'll be a check with the surgeon every three months for two years.
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But the prognosis for the future is very good.
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So I'm feeling positive and and will continue to feel confident and positive but we'll continue to check in with my health care provider so that we can catch it early.
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If it were to come back.
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Some people with cancer may not be ready to discuss it.
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They might still be trying to process it.
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They may not know exactly where they are,
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what stage they are or like you said how many tumors they're dealing with or what's going to be their future.
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So until they feel comfortable and they've come to terms with it but they may not want to discuss it with anyone else chili.
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You mentioned using humor.
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Which reminds me to ask about laughter.
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Cancer is not funny but laughter is good medicine.
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So do you have a funny story to share for us?
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My funny story without naming any names is after surgery in the recovery room There was a nurse shift change and they said do you want to go to the restroom?
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And I said yeah I think so.
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And they took me to the restroom and 45 minutes later my husband is saying where is Sheila?
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And they put me in the restroom.
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I think I probably fell asleep and 45 minutes later.
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So I laugh about that.
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I didn't Cause me any harm but my husband was totally distressed and angry.
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Like nobody leaves somebody in the bathroom for 45 minutes right after surgery.
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But it's a story that we're gonna laugh about and share at least I will because I just went to sleep and had a good nap.
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It's probably more comfortable than lying on a hard bed.
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Who knows?
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I love that you have a good attitude about it because I'm not sure that I would have been so gracious.
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I did,
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I did report it to my surgeon and a few other people and said you may not want to lose people in the bathroom for 45 minutes during the nurse,
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you might want to check on it on them.
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So I mean what does the research tell us about laughter?
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Maybe not about living left in the bathroom but what about laughter?
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It is good to find humor in things that's for sure and they do say write that laughter is the best medicine and and sometimes in retrospect to like Sheila in your case,
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I'm sure that will come back as a story in your family forever and ever.
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Like if someone is missing or you haven't seen someone check the bathroom for struggle in the bathroom,
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you know kind of stuff and those are good,
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those are healthy ways to you know express you know love and concern and all those things.
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So there is I mean there is thought out there that you know like the mayo clinic,
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even the american cancer society,
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they're gonna say we know that laughing and giggling can bring stress relief obviously when you're dealing with a cancer diagnosis and procedures and treatments,
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it's stressful and so to be able to find things to laugh about,
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it can be good.
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But there's other things that it can do to our body can,
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you know,
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the laughter can increase the intake of oxygen rich air,
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It's good for your organs.
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Um it can decrease heart rate and blood pressure.
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I mean,
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so there are physiological things that we know it can do as well.
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But I also want to say and and Sheila you probably can add to this that I do think you've got to,
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even though we know laughter humor can be good.
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I do think and we know it can help in test situations.
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I do think we have to be careful in the way in which we use it because again that everyone's approaches the same.
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So I,
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you know,
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again,
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come from a pretty sarcastic family and we use laughter a lot and will say things that other families might think are really maybe inappropriate,
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that you would say like,
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you know,
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I don't know something about,
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you know,
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hair loss or weight loss or something.
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And whereas my family might interpret that as funny,
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someone else might really be sensitive to those things.
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And so again,
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you've got to put yourself in those other people's shoes that that might be a helpful funny thing for me,
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but that might not be thoughtful for someone else to hear.
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And so I think you've really got again,
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we keep talking about this,
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but let the person who's living with cancer kind of take that lead and you'll be able to kind of see how or if that sort of their sense of humor at this time.
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And it could be different at this time to,
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you know,
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with laughter maybe before the diagnosis that may have been funny,
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but now when you're actually living it,
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it may not be as funny um,
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to,
20:15
to use some of that kind of,
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you know,
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joking or whatever.
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Um,
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so I think you really want to make sure that you're joining people in laughter versus risking a joke about the situation that is not well received.
20:28
Yeah,
20:28
that's a good point amy.
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Probably when you're getting,
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when you want to include humor,
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you do need to take the cue from the person who's had a cancer diagnosis and they may be having a day when they themselves are telling you a joke and they're laughing,
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you can tell that they want to laugh and they want to exchange jokes and just lighten their day.
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It helps in tough situations,
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humor does,
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especially when you're trying to cope with a challenging situation.
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But remember,
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like you said,
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it's not everyone's approach to coping.
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So listen to the person's words and approach and let that person with the cancer take the lead better to join them.
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Like you said,
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Amy and laughter versus risking a joke that may not be well received by them.
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So there are gonna be days there are some days when I just really wanted to lighten up and share jokes and talk and laugh with my friends.
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There are other days that I just was feeling down and I didn't want to laugh.
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I just wanted to talk about this really doesn't this is not a good situation.
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You know,
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there are days that I just wanted to just share my thoughts which were not uplifting thoughts and and I just want someone to listen to that.
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Listen to my concerns,
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Sheila and that goes back to listening and hearing.
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I don't know that I quite said it but you know it is it's important if someone wants to talk about this stinks this is crummy.
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I feel bad,
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I'm scared.
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I am you know uncomfortable.
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I heard people need to be able to say those things.
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And even though that might not be what we always want to hear,
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it's important that the person gets to say that because this is their lived experience in the moment and I'm glad you said that Amy because one thing I learned in life,
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one of my life lessons was a dear aunt of mine was dying from she had cancer and she was dying and she knew that she had a terminal cancer but I didn't want to let her go.
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So I wouldn't let her talk about death and dying and she really was trying to process it and loving if I had been more loving and open,
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but I had just refused that she could leave us.
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So what I learned from that situation is when a loved one or friend wants to talk about death and dying.
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I'm totally listening.
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I'm totally there with them if that makes sense.
22:22
And I think it's good for people to hear you share that because it is our notion tends to be,
22:27
oh my gosh,
22:27
we want to make this positive.
22:29
So I'm not going to let you speak about that or talk that way or talk about your fears.
22:32
I'm going to flip it to the positive and and you're right that sometimes we need part of sharing those stories,
22:39
sharing those fears is like you said with your aunt the opportunity to process it.
22:44
And um and sometimes I just think the human nature is that we don't want to let that in.
22:48
But I think when you can hear a story like Sheila with your aunt,
22:51
hopefully other people hear that and think,
22:53
okay,
22:54
yeah,
22:54
I've got to let them say these things and that can be helpful.
22:59
And sometimes being a good friend or a good partner or a good relative is that we're there to help carry the load.
23:05
And so we just have to listen to the their concerns or there worries or their fears about death and dying and that's that's what we do well and this kind of brings us to that.
23:15
You know,
23:15
the world doesn't revolve around you as much as she does.
23:19
You know,
23:19
I had a good friend that actually told me that once and I was mortified.
23:23
I was a breakup with a boyfriend and nothing to do with the answer.
23:27
But I remember I was so upset and just going on and on with her and she just listened and all of a sudden she did say,
23:33
you know,
23:33
Amy,
23:34
the world doesn't revolve around you and it was the best thing that someone could have said to me because I use that sometimes if I start getting,
23:41
you know frantic in my own craziness,
23:43
I think no,
23:44
the world does not revolve around me.
23:46
And I think that applies.
23:47
I bring it up because I think it applies in a situation where I think,
23:51
you know,
23:51
with your aunt Sheila,
23:52
I don't want to let that conversation in.
23:54
But this isn't about me.
23:56
You telling me your fears of your diagnosis.
23:58
You telling me how today is a really crappy day isn't about me.
24:03
So I need to say to myself,
24:04
the world doesn't revolve around me.
24:05
Amy today.
24:06
It's all about Sheila today.
24:08
It's all about Sheila's hand and I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna be there and be present for what you're experiencing today.
24:15
Um you know,
24:16
you're the one with the cancer,
24:17
you're the one living with us,
24:19
not me.
24:20
I think that's great mantra to remember,
24:22
the world doesn't revolve around you.
24:24
I agree.
24:26
100%.
24:27
Well,
24:27
there's certainly a balance because someone living with cancer still cares.
24:31
They still care about how you feel.
24:33
I mean,
24:33
I still care about you mindy and Jamie and how you are feeling.
24:36
But it is good that you give me a chance to talk when I need to talk,
24:39
I need a listening board.
24:41
But the person also,
24:43
they need their energy to fight the fight.
24:45
They're fighting and they may not at that day have a good thing to comfort you if you're having relationship problems or you're having other illness problems.
24:53
So you wanna,
24:54
when you visit someone or you talk to someone over the phone,
24:57
you want to focus on that friend or loved one who is dealing with cancer and what they want to talk about.
25:02
It's okay to take a break from cancer but follow their lead talk about it.
25:05
They want to ignore it temporarily.
25:07
If they want to talk about other things,
25:09
they may want to talk about the weather and politics and what's going on in your families.
25:13
I mean,
25:13
they don't want to talk about their cancer all the time.
25:15
So just follow their lead.
25:16
So,
25:16
if you could sum up what we've talked about today,
25:18
what people should do and how they should act around someone living with cancer,
25:22
what would you be your big takeaways?
25:26
I would say simply act normal and be honest and really mean what you say?
25:31
Like my little granddaughter did with nana is your tummy feeling better.
25:34
She really cared.
25:36
Cancer is scary and it's challenging.
25:39
But a person living with cancer does not want to hear pity in your voice or see it in your eyes.
25:43
I all the time then and now I'm trying to stay positive.
25:47
So I want people who will uplift me and uplift me in the battle against cancer.
25:52
So tell the person you're glad to see them share a story about something funny that's happened to you and your family.
25:57
If you know,
25:57
it's a light moment,
25:59
allow the loved ones.
26:00
Like we said,
26:00
to talk about the cancer if he or she wants to and if you hugged or touched before covid and before the disease,
26:06
maybe you can hug and touch again and continue to do so unless it causes pain or discomfort.
26:12
I would like to add that If you visit someone with cancer,
26:15
please note when they're getting tired,
26:17
they're gonna be energetic and all of a sudden you'll see them wilt and you'll know that you need to cut your visit short.
26:22
If you call someone,
26:23
I would have friends call me and they would say,
26:25
is this a good time to talk?
26:26
And that was a wonderful thing to ask me because I could say,
26:30
yeah,
26:30
I mean,
26:30
I feel fine or gosh,
26:32
I'm so exhausted.
26:32
Already hit the bed and so it was wonderful.
26:35
They gave me that chance.
26:36
But be honest with the people we each of us are not expert in cancer or dealing with it,
26:41
it's okay to tell the person you don't have experience with this and that you're scared or you don't know what to say or do.
26:47
For me personally,
26:48
I really enjoy talking to my friends at church.
26:50
We share a faith and trust in a higher power and so we were able to share scripture verses and quotes and thoughts to encourage me and me to encourage them when you talk to someone.
27:02
I mean what you say,
27:03
don't comment about the physical appearances unless you mean it,
27:06
like I would say,
27:08
don't say anything negative,
27:10
but if you mean it and the person looks great that day,
27:12
you can tell the person you're looking beautiful or you're looking stronger today.
27:16
I mean if you really mean it,
27:17
that's a really uplifting thought for that person that they are looking beautiful and they do look stronger today.
27:23
You're so glad to see them peppy er and more energetic,
27:26
you know,
27:26
Amy I know that there are lots of other things that you want to share with us.
27:30
So do you have any last bits of advice?
27:33
You know,
27:33
something I've said before in different contexts is I think it's always helpful to be first for someone to show care by being a sort of,
27:42
you know,
27:42
by not just saying let me know if I can do anything for you because again I've said this before,
27:47
I think it's human nature to not ask for help to not say yeah okay,
27:52
I feel lousy.
27:53
Can you come over in the morning and make an omelet for me?
27:55
Because I don't like getting out of bed to do it myself.
27:57
It's just not our the way in which we're,
28:00
most of us are wired.
28:02
Um But I think if someone actually showed up in the morning and made an omelet for you,
28:05
you'd be pretty grateful for it.
28:07
Um And so my suggestion is always instead of saying,
28:10
let me know if there's anything I can do to actually do something.
28:13
Um And and you know,
28:14
you might have to kind of look outside the box and just see assess the situation,
28:18
Does a kid need a ride to school or pick up from practice house need to be vacuumed,
28:22
You know,
28:23
the person need an omelet in the morning.
28:25
Um Maybe it's just like,
28:26
hey let's take a break from cancer and go get a pedicure together and you just initiate that and say I'm gonna pick you up at seven o'clock on Wednesday night and we're just gonna go sometimes that makes it a little bit harder for the person to say,
28:37
I don't really want to and once they're there they're probably gonna be glad they went,
28:41
you know,
28:41
again,
28:41
depending on the situation,
28:42
but I think being having that sort of a sort of style.
28:46
You know,
28:47
Again you've got to assess the situation of course,
28:49
so that it makes sense.
28:51
But I think having that approach is helpful and I think for the most part it's received.
28:57
Well I think those are great recommendations and I want to reinforce respect whether you agree with the treatment plan or not,
29:05
remember that it is the patient's decision.
29:08
Um So I want you to I want you to go with the plan and do what is best for that person and their family.
29:13
And if that's part of your family then talk about it and talk about why it's good for them,
29:18
maybe that's a good point because we don't always know the whole story of what they're dealing with and what.
29:23
Yeah.
29:23
So they're they're the ones who are talking with their healthcare provider exactly,
29:27
basically knowing what to say to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer can be hard talking to someone with cancer often creates fear of saying something inappropriate or making the person upset.
29:37
So as a result,
29:38
many people talk in whispers or they just don't say anything at all.
29:41
You are not alone if you do not know what to say or do when someone has cancer but do not further isolate that person living with cancer by doing or saying nothing.
29:51
We hope that you can keep this conversation and tips in mind what to do,
29:55
what makes you comfortable as you find ways to share your interest or concern to provide encouragement and to offer support as you find your friends and family moving through the cancer journey.
30:07
Shiela and Amy thank you so much for joining me today.
30:10
I think this has been such an important discussion and one that that we typically tend to shy away from.
30:16
Thank you Mindy.
30:17
Thanks for having us.
30:18
And then when you feel love for sharing so much of your personal journey,
30:21
that really means a lot to hear.
30:24
To hear your words and your stories and Amy,
30:26
I can't say it's almost lunchtime and that brings back to mind one of my friends call me two weeks after surgery and said I'm bringing lunch over What do you want?
30:34
You know?
30:34
Just tell me and I'll be there in 10 minutes with your lunch.
30:36
So the assertive of doing for your friends.
30:39
Yeah much is coming.
30:40
What do you want to eat?
30:41
I think that's a great way to end this.
30:43
So if you haven't had lunch,
30:45
go grab grab some and if you have lunch to share with a friend who needs it,
30:49
take it on over.
30:50
If you are just joining us,
30:51
you're listening to talking facts and we are available on all major podcast providers.
30:58
Mhm Thank you for listening to cancer conversations on talking facts.
31:03
Our goal is to connect you with the latest advances in cancer research in the commonwealth If you enjoyed today's podcast and have a suggestion for a future show topic.
31:12
Please message us on the UK Markey Cancer Center facebook page at facebook dot com forward slash UK marquis or visit our website at marquee dot u k y dot e d u.
31:23
For more information,
31:25
you can find University of Kentucky,
31:27
family and Consumer sciences extension programs at your local extension office or online at FCS dot u k y dot e d u.
31:36
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31:39
It starts with us.