Latest / Privycast / Ep. 162 RANKed: What's the Best Toilet Paper?

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Ep. 162 RANKed: What's the Best Toilet Paper? · Privycast

0:01
Costco paper is notorious for not having an even tariff.
0:04
I mean, for goodness sakes, look at this guy already hanging out here.
0:07
Let's find out.
0:10
and it totally redeems itself.
0:18
Welcome back to privy.
0:20
Privy is a podcast about bathrooms recorded from my home bathroom.
0:27
I'm your host, Hunter Hoover, and I love bathrooms.
0:32
Welcome back everyone.
0:33
If you're like me, you're TikTok.
0:35
And I would say just like the general, I feel like this year has been less, but it's March madness.
0:41
Now, now that we're almost at the end of the month of March.
0:45
I figured why not talk about March Madness?
0:47
And the madness is this.
0:50
I don't know what March Madness is.
0:52
I think it's college basketball, but also my TikTok has just been kind of overrun by, I think, regular basketball.
1:01
Also, I'm somehow uploaded to a weird algorithm right now wherein the slice of the women's NBA that it presents to me
1:11
is mostly just making fun of how bad this like Angel Reese McDonald's meal lady is.
1:17
But I digress.
1:18
It's March Madness.
1:19
It's truly madness.
1:21
This time of year, everyone decides they build out their brackets.
1:24
Everybody's talking about brackets.
1:26
Kids with braces, they got brackets.
1:28
know, kids, people putting stuff on their shelves, they've got brackets.
1:33
People trying to make money off of college sports, buy gum, they've got brackets.
1:40
Filling out brackets left and right out here.
1:43
And that said, it gives something, you know, I think it gives people something to argue.
1:47
I think it'd be fun if instead of doing March Madness, if they did like political madness where like right now there's all sorts of chatter.
1:58
Scrovener Gravham Newscrum is out there trying to like flip-flop to try to be president in four years, whatever.
2:04
But like.
2:05
I think it'd be fun if they took all the people that are like vying for possible candidacy for president and now people started placing bets like four years out, truly way down the
2:16
line and people started building out their brackets now.
2:19
I think that could be fun.
2:21
But this year on Privy, we're trying something new and this might be the first of many ventures into the space.
2:29
And we're not building brackets because I don't intend on making this a tournament.
2:33
This is not a tournament, rather,
2:35
This episode, I am going to seek to rank and crown the best toilet paper according to us here at Privy.
2:49
There's a number of tests we're going to be getting into.
2:51
This is called rank, where we ask is it stank or is it thank?
2:57
Now you get it, because rank and stank and thank all rhyme.
3:00
And so if it's stank, we don't like it.
3:03
But if it's thank, we're thankful for it.
3:06
Stank or thank, which TP is stank and which one makes you say thanks?
3:12
We'll be ranking the top 11 toilet papers that I had access to in the last couple of weeks.
3:18
And before we jump in here, before we dive right in, I'm wasting no time at the front of this episode.
3:24
We got the March Madness chatter out of the way because there's gonna be plenty of conversation around these toilet papers.
3:29
I wanna let them stand and I'm gonna be honest.
3:32
I've spent some time with these toilet papers for the last few weeks to a month.
3:37
And we're gonna be ranking the top 11 toilet papers that I could get my hands on.
3:40
Now that's to say, there are other toilet papers out there.
3:43
I want to acknowledge that.
3:45
Before we jump in, there's no shortage of people who have tested toilet paper.
3:51
There's been people, as long as people have been wiping their bee with Sweet Sweet Plush Triple Pie,
3:58
There's been people trying to rank and say, well, this is the best paper.
4:03
Well, in my opinion, well, in my opinion, this is both an opinion, but we truly are going to do some experimentation.
4:11
Listeners, if you're joining us via an audio medium on this podcast, I'm going to do my best to edit around what has a very large video component this episode.
4:21
Go check us out on YouTube.
4:24
We're out there.
4:26
A lot of people have said what they believe to be the best toilet paper.
4:30
But, and that's fine.
4:31
And I'm sure that there's some well-meaning and very educated people out there offering their opinion about what the best toilet paper is.
4:39
That said, most of those people I'm going to guess have not recorded 160 plus episodes of a podcast about bathrooms.
4:49
I'm just going to go out on a limb and guess that.
4:52
I've spent some time with toilet paper.
4:53
I've spent some time.
4:55
on clogging toilet paper.
4:56
I'm very acquainted with toilet paper.
4:58
In fact, I'm a fan.
4:59
One of the earliest episodes of this podcast, we dealt with toilet paper.
5:06
But we've got a number of better criteria that we're gonna put these 11 toilet papers to the test on this episode.
5:12
We're really gonna put them through their paces.
5:16
Also, I will note, if as I go through this list and I read out the list of toilet papers,
5:24
and you're like, well, he didn't read my brand.
5:26
He didn't read my preferred butt tissue of choice.
5:31
That's fine.
5:32
You will be okay.
5:33
Again, these are the 11, I felt, the best, most diverse swath of toilet papers that I could get my hands on and some that I had to work a little harder than others to get my
5:43
hands on.
5:43
This Stanker Thank ranked, we will be evaluating the following toilet papers.
5:50
Dollar Store Tissue.
5:52
Honeycomb Bamboo Toilet Paper Simple Truth Organic Scott 1000 Great Value Blue Bag Kroger Blue Quilted Northern Cottonelle Angel Soft Blue Bag Charmin Kirkland Signature Before we
6:13
begin this adventure, we need to discuss, discuss, discuss, I'm gonna discuss it, you know what saying?
6:19
Yee yee yee yee!
6:20
We need to discuss some of the criteria we're going to be using to evaluate these TP's.
6:26
Namely, the various tests that we're gonna put these toilet papers through the paces on.
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All of the toilet papers will be evaluated based on the following tests.
6:39
First is the SNOS test.
6:41
How well does this toilet paper hold up to nose blowing?
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As an avid allergy nose blower,
6:48
I'm regularly reaching for something to debug my schnoz.
6:53
How well does the toilet paper hold up to just a big old boogie blast?
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Number two is the spread test or the sloppy wet mud pie test or the Shrek your swamp until you drop test.
7:09
In this, we're gonna see how well the toilet paper wipes up a big old sloppy brown mud pie.
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Third.
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the sloppy wet test, or as I like to call it, the SpongeBob SquarePants test.
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How well does it stand up to water?
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How well does it soak up liquids that you need?
7:30
I will confess, one of these tests got vetoed.
7:34
And one day when I have access to the equipment that I do not pay for and will not be responsible for fixing, we will venture into the accidental pocket test.
7:46
For now, just know that I think we're going to glean enough from the other tests to be able to speak to the accidental pocket test.
7:57
Next is the inflation buster test.
7:59
How affordable is it?
8:00
And how long is it going to last based on your money?
8:03
The tree test or the yank it, yank it, just don't stop it test.
8:09
This is how durable is that perforation?
8:12
Every good toilet paper's got a line of perforation.
8:15
How good is it?
8:16
And does it leave you with a weird half sheet because it tore wrong?
8:21
Next is the Big Lebowski Dumb and Dumber Wombo Combo Test.
8:28
How throwable, rollable, and vandalizable is the toilet paper roll?
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How well can it be tossed and used to, you know, get up to no good?
8:40
And finally, the Snowman Test.
8:43
But more on that.
8:44
With all these things in consideration, there's nothing to do except for to go...
8:50
Enter the test zone.
8:52
Let's do it.
8:58
Welcome to the test zone.
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In this part, I'm gonna be testing the SNAS test.
9:03
Pretty much what this is, if you're like me, you have regular seasonal allergies and you have got to blow your SNAS and sometimes, you you reach for the good old classic fun old
9:17
fashioned family Kleenex, but when you don't, you gotta reach for something different.
9:23
And so we're gonna be putting our 11 toilet papers through the SNAS test.
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I've blowing each one of these.
9:28
You're gonna get to see my beard get filled with all sorts of toilet paper composite material today.
9:35
And you're gonna hear it all right in your ears.
9:37
First up, we have the honeycomb bamboo.
9:41
I think I'm gonna go with four squares on the honeycomb bamboo to get us started.
9:46
Let's see how it stands up to my snozzing.
9:50
We'll double fold.
9:55
A little ripage, a little bit of a blowout, little bit of boogie on there.
10:00
The worst job.
10:02
I've definitely done worse here.
10:04
Not bad, the honeycomb, not a bad option.
10:08
Kirkland Signature.
10:09
So this is, as I've said on the show, in case you missed it, this is how I'm telling what toilet paper is.
10:15
We got a little writing system, a little color-coded system here.
10:18
Kirkland Signature, gotta keep it fair.
10:20
Gotta go four squares for Kirkland Signature as well.
10:26
Yeah, we got about the same amount of rippage on that.
10:28
I will say this is softer on my face.
10:31
Kirkland Signature, softer on your face means softer on your butthole.
10:35
That's facts.
10:36
I think it's gonna break down a little bit worse, but definitely softer on your face.
10:42
You I can even sub this in for Kleenex.
10:45
Next up is Simple Truth Organic.
10:48
You know me.
10:50
Organic is usually one of those code words for it kind of sucks.
10:53
We'll see how it holds up to my...
10:56
...snozzing.
10:57
Ooh, it's got nice little butterflies.
10:58
I'm about to ruin those miserably.
11:03
Yeah, see still a little double tear we actually blew all the way through that one.
11:08
I don't know if he so damning evidence We actually blew all the way through the simple truth.
11:14
That's simple truth.
11:15
It's definitely more rough than Kirkland signature So far Kirkland signatures winning the schnauz test keeping it rolling.
11:23
We have great value blue bag This is supposed to be equivalent to blue bag Charmin those beautiful bears.
11:29
So we'll see how we'll see how this pans out here
11:35
All right, let's give it one more.
11:39
I gotta tell ya, not as soft as Kirkland Signature, but this had the least amount, I'm get that boogie right in there, this had the least amount of tearing.
11:49
So for durability on the schnoz test, Great Value Blue Bag is currently winning the day.
11:56
If you see boogers on my face, it's fine.
11:58
This is Scott.
11:59
Now I'm gonna tell you something about Scott.
12:01
Why don't you look at this?
12:02
See that?
12:04
You can almost see me through it.
12:07
It's awful.
12:07
I'm gonna be fair and I'm gonna still go only four squares.
12:11
And look at that tear.
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It's just absolute, look at this.
12:14
Look at this!
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It's a mess!
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Scott!
12:18
Damn it, Scott!
12:19
How do I even blow my nose?
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I've got half a thing of toilet paper, because Scott, he's like Dwight Schrute, half-plying it.
12:27
This is gonna be a disaster.
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Right here, this is gonna be the splash zone.
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So here we go.
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Yeah, we blew through both sides.
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There's hole number one.
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There's hole number two.
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I you can see it, but it's right there.
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This is awful.
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It's rough.
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It's thin.
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I've blown my nose with better wrapping paper.
12:52
This might be the sleeper agent of all of this is the dollar store ultra budget.
12:58
Let's just look at the rolling on that.
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It looks like it was soaked in water.
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Just absolute disaster, but we're going four deep.
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I gotta say, we actually fared surprisingly well.
13:13
I'm test this again when I have like a raging cold.
13:17
But yeah, this was actually not bad.
13:18
This held up pretty good, I'm baffled.
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This is a close second or third Kroger blue bag.
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This should be an equivalent to the Great Value and Charmin blue bag.
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So we're gonna go four deep.
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Little tearage.
13:34
It's about as good.
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I'd say it's perfectly serviceable, comparable to the Blue Bag Great Value.
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It gets the job done.
13:45
Quilted Northern.
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Now gotta say, when I was wiping my butt with all these earlier this week, Quilted Northern was just an absolute delight.
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It was very soft.
13:56
I don't know if you saw that tear.
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I don't know if you saw that tear, but that tear was so perfect.
14:02
It was almost as if I thought about it tearing and it tore.
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So I have a feeling there's going to be some flaking.
14:08
I have a feeling there's going be some partcling.
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But we're going to find out.
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And what do we know?
14:16
Quilted Northern.
14:17
I could still use that.
14:18
That's still good.
14:20
I could still wipe my B with that and there's nothing wrong with that.
14:23
It didn't even get through the first layer.
14:25
It's still totally intact.
14:27
I have been shredding toilet paper with my snoz blast for the last few minutes.
14:32
That's the first one that didn't get absolutely mixed up.
14:35
Cottonel is an interesting, because it's got this weird like texturing on it.
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And so I'm interested to see what cottonel can get done.
14:49
Nothing.
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Nothing.
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I've got the driest snogs in the state of Oregon right now.
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It's been absolutely blown dry.
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This is great.
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It doesn't even look, it's a little damp, but like other than that, you know, it's pretty firm.
15:06
Cottonel might be my choice for like Kleenex toilet paper.
15:11
It's pretty serviceable.
15:13
Angel Soft, look at the absolute girth on this roll.
15:17
It's just girth-some.
15:18
It's almost a two-inch girth roll.
15:21
There's no way that this is fitting on any roller unless you buy an extender.
15:26
The tear is pretty good.
15:27
See how the angels hold up to my absolute just nose blasting here.
15:32
Four deep.
15:36
Didn't even get through.
15:38
Definitely rougher.
15:39
This is one of the rougher, like premium qualities that I'd say.
15:45
It surely doesn't edge out the cottonel, but it's perfectly serviceable.
15:50
It's not my choice for blowing my nose.
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Last but not least is the beautiful bears.
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Now, the beautiful bears are well known for ingenuity.
15:59
Right there is ingenuity.
16:02
I will also say the beautiful bears
16:05
To the touch, you can feel the quality of this toilet paper.
16:11
It is of a different nature and a different quality than many papers that you're put in your face hole.
16:16
And so we gotta put the bears to the test.
16:19
It's like I'm pressing my nose up against the bear when I blow my nose.
16:27
And we fared well.
16:29
We did good.
16:31
Little bit of boogie on that one.
16:33
But nothing crazy on that.
16:35
I gotta say, on the snoz test here, I really think Cottonelle is the winner.
16:42
Cottonelle really had a good strong showing.
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That ply job, I mean look at that.
16:47
It's just a good firm paper.
16:52
And I think a close second is either gonna be Charmin or Kirkland Signature.
16:56
The worst showing of the day again is Scott.
16:59
I think Scott needs to stay home.
17:01
Scott, if you're gonna blow your nose, just leave Scott at home.
17:04
You might as well just throw it in the trash.
17:06
You might as well just blow your nose straight into your hand.
17:09
Scott's gonna track you.
17:15
next test it's kind of like the you know I've dubbed it the bikini bottom like sap it up suck it up test we're testing the the absorbency of our papers so we're gonna dive right
17:29
in I got a little bit of a little bit sparkling ice I went with yellow I felt like it was fitting this is to simulate any of those times you know if you I hope this doesn't have
17:41
one of those like vent holes in it
17:44
You're seeing you're seeing my my process in real time, but we have what is essentially So just it's simulating like shoot Dang it.
17:55
I missed again and And I've and I fully I've fully splattered I've splatter cam it so very fiercely and so now it's like What am I reaching for I'm reaching for dollar store now.
18:09
We're going I think on this
18:12
We need to go five sheets.
18:15
Five sheets is the test.
18:18
And we're gonna go five sheets folded in the square.
18:21
So five sheets on a square.
18:23
This is the dollar store bikini bottom.
18:29
it's turning to absolutely nothing.
18:33
Like, it's bad.
18:38
There's a lot of drip, and I have not moved my trash can close to me for this test.
18:45
Number two, we've got Scott.
18:47
Now, I think we all know exactly what this is gonna entail.
18:51
So we're gonna get five deep here, which is essentially like one of every other piece of paper in this.
18:59
game.
18:59
We're going to fold it, fold it, and fold it.
19:03
Get your five deep Scott exactly as I expected.
19:07
Turned to nothing.
19:09
It's literally coming apart in my hand.
19:12
It's trash.
19:13
The dollar store paper is better than Scott.
19:15
That's absolutely abysmal.
19:19
Again, the Scott toilet company, toilet paper company, it's embarrassing.
19:25
Next we have great value blue.
19:27
Great value blue.
19:30
So this is supposed to simulate one, two, three, four, five on the tear.
19:35
Fold, fold, fold.
19:39
And we're in.
19:44
This is the most absorbent.
19:45
Look how much that absorbed.
19:46
So far, I mean, we've not tested great stuff, but this is dry right here.
19:51
This is the most absorbent paper.
19:54
I mean, I pulled on it, but like it stayed together pretty good.
19:57
Most absorbent paper so far, great value blue.
20:00
Simple truth.
20:01
Now the simple truth again is I don't like this paper.
20:05
I haven't liked it yet.
20:05
Sorry, simple truth.
20:08
Maybe you're more absorbent, but I'm gonna tell you now just feeling you, you're not.
20:12
You're not that guy.
20:13
And so we're gonna, we're just gonna five fold and we're straight in.
20:17
We're gonna get, see that nice big wet spot right there?
20:20
That's our spot, that's our spot.
20:26
Okay, so one thing, noticeable leaveage.
20:30
Noticeable leaveage and I mean, yeah.
20:35
It's about as durable when wet as great value, but actually it's less durable.
20:40
Like look this, we're starting to come apart.
20:43
Kirkland signature, we'll see how the K signature stands up here.
20:49
Five sheets.
20:53
Fold, Going for that nice big wet patch right there.
21:00
And we're through.
21:05
Hey, yo, and I'm telling you now, we're barely wet through that backside.
21:10
Kirkland Signature is the current leader for absorbency.
21:14
That's almost dry.
21:15
fact, I could probably dry up the rest of this with that Kirkland Signature.
21:19
I mean, just look at that.
21:20
Just look at that.
21:21
I feel like I'm trying to sell a chamois right now.
21:24
I'm practically selling a chamois.
21:26
I mean, look at that.
21:27
It took up the whole top.
21:30
What a showing.
21:32
Kirkland Signature.
21:38
I gotta reload.
21:39
I gotta reload the plate.
21:41
again, you've gone to the bathroom.
21:43
It's 2 a.m.
21:45
You've had too much like corned beef and hash and asparagus and God dang it, you missed it again.
21:53
You you just missed.
21:56
And what do you do?
21:56
What's the guy to do?
21:57
You missed a little bit.
21:59
You got a little bit of spray everywhere.
22:02
It's ocean spray, but it's like not.
22:05
Honeycomb bamboo.
22:07
Honeycomb bamboo.
22:08
This is like a bamboo toilet paper product.
22:15
So let's see how this holds up.
22:16
Now I'm gonna say this stuff is pretty firm.
22:19
Like it doesn't have a lot of, a lot of absorbency, but it feels pretty durable.
22:23
So we'll see what it gets done.
22:27
Okay, so maybe not as absorbent, but it is holding up to the pressure.
22:35
Let's see how much we can...
22:38
Yeah, we're not as absorbent as Kirkland Signature, that's for sure.
22:44
But we held up strong, like we're not falling apart.
22:49
It's probably third place.
22:50
I think Kirkland Signature and then Great Value Blue is the current leaders.
22:56
I just toss that in my toilet and it displays so much water to the outside of my toilet that I am gonna have to do this in real life on the ground around my toilet here in
23:06
moments.
23:06
Next up is cottonel.
23:07
I ripped a sheet, so that doesn't count.
23:09
I'm lay the cottonel bonus sheet there.
23:12
Cottonel, five deep.
23:20
Cottonel, where have you been?
23:25
Go ahead and leave the paper towel at home.
23:28
Cottonel, strong showing here.
23:30
Look at that.
23:32
I mean, I'd say we cleaned as much as the Kirkland Signature.
23:36
Man, think Cottonel might take it.
23:39
I think Cottonel's got less drip to it than the Kirkland Signature.
23:43
It's a strong showing by Cottonel.
23:45
I'm actually gonna walk this a little closer this time.
23:48
Quilted Northern.
23:50
Quilted Northern, this was the, I would say the shadow sleeper.
23:54
Oh man, Cottonel did such a good job.
23:57
You know what time it is, it's pee time.
23:59
We gotta make it little bit more splash, you know.
24:03
The kids are up in the middle of night, they don't even turn the light on.
24:07
They come in the bathroom and they just, oh gosh, they just miss, get everywhere.
24:13
Quilted Northern.
24:28
Okay, so here's the deal.
24:31
There's visible dripping.
24:33
This is right behind Kirkland Signature.
24:37
Right behind Kirkland Signature.
24:38
We didn't absorb as much, see?
24:40
There's still plenty of liquid on that plate.
24:43
And we're still dripping actively.
24:45
But, I mean, look at that.
24:49
It's just good stuff.
24:51
mean, nothing wrong with Quilted Northern.
24:54
It's perfectly serviceable.
24:56
It's gonna absorb
24:58
much more than you'd ever hope it to need to.
25:03
And in all fairness, I think we gotta get back to this.
25:07
Now, I will note, I am using sugar-free urine.
25:12
And so, there's not an icky, sticky mess.
25:14
Like my hands, they're a little wet, but they're not icky, sticky, which is good because I hate ants.
25:20
Ants are the devil.
25:22
Next up is Kroger Blue Bag.
25:24
This is supposed to be comparable to Great Value and Charmin, so we'll see how we do here.
25:32
Right over here, immediately, immediately I'm gonna tell you it's not as good as great value.
25:38
Visible dripping, I mean that plate's still ready for next round.
25:41
we're, yeah, no, no, no.
25:46
Look at that, yeah.
25:49
We need to call something on here.
25:52
Next up, blue bag Charmin, the beautiful bears.
25:57
This is gonna be a strong showing from the beautiful bears, because I'm gonna tell you.
26:01
Their toilet paper is almost like a carpet as is, two, five.
26:08
And I really feel like it's so thick.
26:13
Look how thick Five Deep is on Blue Bag Charmin.
26:16
I mean, let's just, I have utter confidence in this.
26:20
I have absolute utter confidence in Blue Bag Charmin's ability here.
26:25
Yes.
26:27
Yes, as I suspected, did a great job.
26:30
Now we are flaking quite a bit.
26:34
And while I think we're more absorbent than cottonel, cottonel's durability is unmatched in this area.
26:41
And so I really think cottonel's showing is gonna be worth keeping around.
26:47
Last but not least is Angel Soft.
26:50
Angel Soft here, this is that Jumbotron roll.
26:53
So let's see what we can get into.
26:55
Angel Soft, we gotta wee wee ourselves.
26:58
Just like the French always say.
27:01
A little scoot, a little bit of ah.
27:04
SpongeBob SquarePants He's in He's done it AngelSoft
27:20
AngelSaw, more like AngelSaw.
27:22
But, you did okay job.
27:28
Next, the second to last test is the tearability test.
27:32
You reach for the paper and you're yanking, yanking, yanking.
27:37
And it just keeps feeling like it just keeps coming and it just keeps coming and it won't stop coming.
27:42
And by the time you're done, you've got a big puddle of toilet paper at the feet.
27:47
And then you're gonna sift through that or you just toss it or you know, what are you doing?
27:51
So how easy does it tear?
27:54
Now, simple truth is first out of the gate here.
27:56
This test,
27:57
will suffice of me grabbing here and we will see where we're tearing.
28:05
Okay, so we did tear on the perforation.
28:09
We tore a four in, but as you saw, the tear, took quite a bit.
28:14
I actually was, you know, I was giving it quite a bit on that tear.
28:18
So simple truth, first showing here, quite a bit of pull on that.
28:24
This is Kroger.
28:26
Kroger brand, so same.
28:30
Okay, much less.
28:32
In this regard, so in case you're like, wow, it took less to tear it, it gets more points if it tears easily.
28:39
That's actually good.
28:40
We don't want the big pile on the floor.
28:42
But it instantly, like if it tears on a non-breaking point, like if it tears on the actual paper, then it's a negative.
28:51
So like there is the butter zone.
28:53
This is a pretty good butter zone.
28:55
It tore on the perforation exactly as it should.
28:58
Kroger, current leader on this tear test.
29:03
Comb, I'm gonna roll her back up here a little bit.
29:07
Honeycomb, we're going three, grab the last one.
29:13
Definitely approaching.
29:16
Okay, so we did break.
29:17
We broke down here on the first.
29:20
Much more pull.
29:21
Kroger's definitely still got them on that.
29:24
Much more pull to this perforation.
29:27
Less, terrible.
29:29
Definitely Kroger is still winning out on the tearability.
29:32
Next up is Dollar Store Paper.
29:35
I know the brand.
29:35
It just says discount.
29:37
So we're going.
29:41
All right, so we did tear way up here.
29:43
We did tear along the perforation and it actually didn't take much to tear it.
29:47
It was not as easy as Kroger brand to tear, but it did technically beat out Simple Truth and Honeycomb on its tearability.
29:58
Kroger still our front runner here.
30:00
Next up is my personal favorite Kirkland Signature.
30:04
I'm a Costco guy, you know what I'm saying?
30:06
But I have a feeling that I know what's coming here because
30:10
Costco paper is notorious for not having an even tariff.
30:13
I mean, for goodness sakes, look at this guy already hanging out here.
30:16
Let's find out.
30:19
and it totally redeems itself.
30:22
Kirkland Signature Costco brand paper was not as easy of a tear as Kroger.
30:30
I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie about it.
30:31
But I am proud of it showing it is in second place for tearability right behind Kroger brand paper.
30:38
We got our top two, Kroger and then Kirkland Signature.
30:42
Next up is Cottonelle 40.
30:48
this one's got a high tear.
30:49
Okay, so this was definitely third place.
30:53
that was me.
30:54
Do not worry.
30:56
This is third place.
30:57
Cottonel, and the tear is so perfect.
31:01
I mean, just look at that.
31:03
It's a great tear.
31:04
Cottonel, definite third place.
31:06
Still Kroger the front runner here.
31:09
Coming in, great value.
31:11
Blue Bag, I wanna be fair.
31:15
This first sheet is torn.
31:17
So I'm gonna reset the sheet.
31:20
Look those beautiful butterflies.
31:22
All right, I already tore that one.
31:24
This bodes well for great value brand.
31:27
Okay, we're deep.
31:31
Oh, a little bit more.
31:33
Okay, this one's third place right behind Kirkland Signature.
31:37
It's a great tear, great perforation.
31:41
Scott, I'm gonna reset.
31:43
This is an abomination.
31:46
Scott, I've unrolled three and we're pulling.
31:54
Notice it's not a tear, it's a snap.
31:57
And it took quite a bit to get it.
31:59
And as thin as this paper is, it's in last place.
32:02
I cannot award it any points.
32:04
It is awful, and I do hate it.
32:05
Angel Soft, our jumbo roll.
32:11
Good tear.
32:13
Hmm, AngelSaf.
32:15
Let's just do that one more.
32:19
Ooh, that's crisp.
32:21
I gotta go back to the well here.
32:22
I gotta go back to the well.
32:23
I must confess, I gotta go back to Kroger and revisit some things.
32:29
no, no.
32:29
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Kroger's still got the tear.
32:32
It still has the tear factor by far.
32:36
Next up, Quilted Northern.
32:38
This is the softest paper.
32:46
my goodness, it's close.
32:48
It's close between Quilted Northern, Angel Soft, and Kroger Brand.
32:52
I do need to tear Kroger one more time just to make sure.
32:58
Yeah.
32:59
Quilted Northern has them beat.
33:02
Quilted Northern has beat out Kroger Brand for most tearability.
33:07
Now Charmin.
33:08
Now I will admit, Charmin's got the upper hand because of that tear shape.
33:14
So let's see what we do here.
33:17
It's like a dream.
33:18
It's like an absolute dream.
33:19
It is number one on tearability.
33:21
It's not even close.
33:22
Look at this.
33:24
I barely thought about pulling it and it pulled perfect along those lines.
33:29
Charmin, Blue Bag Charmin is the most terrible, best tear toilet paper.
33:34
It is unmatched in tearability.
33:36
If you don't want TP all over your ground, Blue Bag Charmin, get it.
33:44
next test, it's it's the swampy Shrek mud pie test.
33:49
And what we're going to have is we're going to have simulated butts.
33:53
We're simulating butts here on the show.
33:56
We've we've entered that stage.
33:59
And so can we bring in our first butt simulator, please?
34:03
So this is a freshly mud pie butt.
34:06
Thank you, Anna.
34:08
For you can see full swampy crack.
34:11
Now, I'm gonna be honest with you, this
34:14
This little trick came from TikTok.
34:16
Will know us?
34:17
We're going three slices and three slices only.
34:21
I think I'm gonna make good use of this trash in the next few minutes.
34:24
Three slices only.
34:27
It's the test.
34:28
How good of a wipe job does it do?
34:31
So you just get front to back and there's a lot of rolling.
34:35
And as you can see, swampy mud pie.
34:41
So there, you that was honeycomb.
34:44
Honeycomb, it's grabbing a lot.
34:46
didn't, I a little bit on my finger.
34:50
When you get it on your finger in real life, don't lick it, kids.
34:54
You're gonna wanna not touch anything until you wash your hands.
34:57
If we could get our next in here, this is gonna be Kroger brand.
35:03
Kroger brand, I think this is like the water damaged version of Kroger brand, but we're gonna go three slices.
35:10
A little swampy little mud pie right there, front to back.
35:15
A much better showing from Kroger.
35:18
A much better showing.
35:19
I don't know if you see that.
35:22
But I'm confident I can get this job done in three slices.
35:26
know.
35:27
It's harder because it's a telephoto.
35:33
For those who didn't already know, this is Nutella.
35:36
I'm not deviant to the point where I have rub poo on oranges in a cup.
35:40
Although I am taking this trash out because if someone comes and visits our home and they look in this trash, they're gonna be like, I'm never ever going here again.
35:48
Kroger, definitely better than Honeycomb.
35:51
That was to be expected.
35:52
Honeycomb's had a bad showing so far.
35:55
Great Value brand should be comparable to Kroger.
35:58
Although Great Value brand's been beating out Kroger.
36:02
I like since day one.
36:05
know, Kroger's kind of like the weird, frizzy-haired, freckled-faced stepchild of the off brands.
36:12
I don't even know what Target has.
36:15
Simple white mom.
36:18
I don't know.
36:19
But front to back, there's a lot of grabbage.
36:24
It really grabs it.
36:26
It really grabs it.
36:27
So yeah, that definitely beats out the Kroger.
36:31
It's a lot of Nutella, I feel bad.
36:33
I like I should eat it.
36:35
You're gonna drip it onto the mat.
36:36
Where?
36:37
our toilet.
36:38
Where?
36:38
I said your gums do.
36:40
The mat?
36:42
Okay, great value, better on the sloppy mud pie.
36:46
Let's go Kirkland Signature.
36:48
Let's get this out of As you know, this is my toilet paper of choice.
36:53
You got a lot on there.
36:56
You're putting more on every time.
36:57
You wanna take half of this for the next one?
37:00
Because, you know, like, I don't know about you, but I don't swamp myself that bad.
37:06
All right, so we've shrecked ourselves.
37:11
Little bit on the side, you know, sometimes you poo and you get a little cheek splash.
37:16
So we're, we really got to clean that.
37:19
We got to get in there and you got to get all the cracks and crevices.
37:22
I'm telling you Kirkland's signature.
37:26
Look at how good that is.
37:27
mean, you don't want to get lost in that sauce, like, Kirkland's signature is by far.
37:37
I mean, you were here for it.
37:39
Kirkland Signature is in the lead for sure.
37:41
Where's Scott?
37:42
Yep, we're gonna go ahead and get this out of the way.
37:44
You know what, actually, we're gonna do Scott last because if I've learned anything from this testing so far, I'm gonna be cleaning my hand after I use Scott.
37:51
So we're gonna go ahead and do that one last.
37:54
Dollar Store, I've actually gained quite a bit of confidence in this Dollar Store paper.
37:59
I'm so confident in fact, I'm going three, that's thinner than I wanted.
38:02
We're going three deep.
38:03
Okay, that's an appropriate amount of mud pie.
38:05
And of course.
38:10
It did a pretty good job.
38:15
Left a little bit down in there, but I'm telling you that dollar store ain't nothing.
38:20
There's nothing wrong with it.
38:20
It's not very absorbent.
38:23
It's Nutella was wetter, a more diarrhea texture.
38:27
The dollar store brand, I was told that I'm not supposed to that again.
38:30
Next up is Quilted Northern.
38:33
This is the softest paper that we have.
38:37
You're in for a treat.
38:38
you're gonna wanna try out that quilted northerners, good stuff.
38:42
This one's a little more centralized, probably too much peanut butter in the diet, and we're just front to back here.
38:54
Look at that, get a load of that.
38:57
Get a load of this guy.
38:59
Quilted Northern.
39:01
Doing a good job here.
39:01
That one might have been now Kirkland's signature for total grabbage.
39:10
Let's see, Scott's last.
39:13
Simple Truth.
39:15
That has to go before Scott.
39:16
know this.
39:17
Angel Soft.
39:18
Again, girthsome roll.
39:20
These are some girthsome angels.
39:22
Thin angels.
39:23
Thin but girthsome.
39:27
That's somebody's nickname.
39:29
All right, front to back.
39:32
Yeah, see, you know, we got a little bit more.
39:35
So the Angel Soft, we're grabbing some, but look it, we've left quite a bit in the zone.
39:42
And for this, I am truly just wiping, I am wiping straight front to back.
39:46
I'm not like digging my finger down in the crack at all.
39:50
Like we're not doing that here.
39:52
We don't dig our finger in the crack.
39:56
I should have a hunty hoovie cam so that way you can see my wife's face as I say we don't dig our finger in the crack.
40:05
I'm not supposed to that again?
40:07
No?
40:09
Okay.
40:16
What are we on?
40:17
Cottonel.
40:17
So Cottonel, Cottonel's two for two.
40:20
Like the smallest task, big winner, Cottonel.
40:28
Pretty good.
40:30
Look at those, look at the collection on those ridges.
40:34
Look at it.
40:38
You'll see what I'm seeing, it's like, do you see like how it's getting down here?
40:43
Like a little bit?
40:44
Are you getting sick to your stomach?
40:46
Okay, then we're moving on.
40:48
Cottonel, we've got three more.
40:50
Charmin, Big Bear.
40:53
I was just gonna throw them away, I'm gonna be honest with you.
40:56
Feed them to the dog or something.
40:57
Throw them in your garden, we'll get a treat.
41:00
Blue Bag Charmin.
41:05
And that's on my thumb.
41:07
All right, so you know, Blue Bag Charmin, it did a good job.
41:12
It didn't do as much catching and I have it on my thumb.
41:17
You did it to yourself.
41:18
did it to myself.
41:19
It's not the bear's fault.
41:28
Little bathroom snack.
41:30
All right, simple truth.
41:32
I already know this truth.
41:34
It's bad.
41:35
Sorry, simple truth.
41:36
I'm sure you guys have saved a tree or something, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, I'm not sure, in the bathroom is a place where people are super worried about saving
41:50
trees.
41:50
Simple truth.
41:51
Simple truth is, yeah, no, look at how much is down in
41:58
Nah, nah, and look, it even smirred it all the way to the edge.
42:02
It was trying, it's holding on for dear life, but the collection is just, yeah, that's a bad showing.
42:10
do want, I'm gonna do a, now, I to be fair and go three sheets of Scott, but here I'm gonna tell you something.
42:19
Three sheets of Scott is like half a sheet of most of the papers that we've done.
42:28
Yep, I can see daylight through it.
42:30
Three sheets of Scott.
42:35
Scott's a thin mint.
42:38
yeah.
42:39
You can see here, this is, it's a bad showing.
42:43
I do want, I do want to do one thing.
42:45
Now, this is the, this is the oopsie pipsie.
42:48
I gotta go, I gotta go one more.
42:50
It doesn't matter how much, it does.
42:52
This is the thing about Scott.
42:55
It doesn't tear.
42:57
You just get, you just get yards of it at a time.
43:00
I'm gonna go two sheets on there.
43:01
I'm gonna go one sheet, Scott.
43:04
This is the true like, should Scott just be totally eliminated?
43:09
Will it burst?
43:13
I'll be dipped.
43:16
what a view.
43:17
if you stuck that on somebody's wien.
43:21
No!
43:22
I was doing so good!
43:27
Alright, on to the next test.
43:33
This last test is the Beavis and Butt-Head test.
43:36
Pretty much, we've all been there.
43:38
You have the guy in your neighborhood that's kind of cheesed you sour.
43:43
And it's time to get back.
43:45
This is how well can I use this toilet paper to TP someone's tree, fence, yard, or house?
43:53
We're gonna be throwing the toilet paper at y'all, and we're gonna see how well and how far it stays together in a solid roll here.
44:04
Kroger brand.
44:04
You're to give it a little bit of lead.
44:07
I'm giving it about a arms length to chest lead on this.
44:16
And as noted, breakage.
44:19
Next up is Angel Soft.
44:23
For this, am hoping for some roll factor.
44:28
I am throwing this toilet paper side rolling down.
44:38
about the same.
44:43
Now did you see that arc?
44:45
That was Kirkland's signature.
44:47
The arc was beautiful.
44:49
We have a full arc on it.
44:52
This is Quilted Northern.
44:57
Pretty good art, didn't unravel as one would hope.
45:02
Next up is Charmin, Blue Bear Charmin.
45:05
They're not gonna get up into any trouble, but we are.
45:08
I've torn it.
45:08
A reset is in order.
45:11
Blue Bag Charmin with a reset being in order.
45:18
Blue Bag Charmin, if you're gonna vandalize somebody's house so far, Blue Bag Charmin's legal.
45:23
Simple truth, simple truth is, stuff is trash.
45:30
But pretty good arc on it.
45:32
Pretty good arc on it.
45:33
Honeycomb.
45:35
That's the freemium.
45:37
Bamboo!
45:40
like when I'm seeing like when I'm seeing I'm gonna do these rapid-fire great value blue bag
45:51
Okay, great value blue bag.
45:55
Next is Dollar Store.
45:59
Okay, so here's the problem.
46:02
Dollar Store has ripped at fire.
46:06
It's out of arm's length and the shot.
46:14
Right, Cottonelle.
46:16
Cottonelle's a good throw.
46:17
And now last, and currently least, Scott, toilet paper brand.
46:27
of the most satisfying tale.
46:29
I'm going be honest with you.
46:31
For my money, on that throw, the best was either honeycomb or quilted northern.
46:37
I don't think you're going to want to be spending that type of money on tossing toilet paper, but yeah, that's where I'm at.
46:45
And now look what I get to do.
46:46
I'm going to clean all this up.
46:48
Look at this mess.
46:49
Look this mess I'm going to have to clean up.
46:51
Don't you worry.
46:53
All this paper is going to get used on my flat.
46:59
So this next test is the snowman test.
47:01
I've brought in Maya to assist me and she's going to make a snowman here in the bathroom.
47:12
Pretty much what she's going to be doing is as she does this, she's going to evaluate how she feels it is doing in making a snowman.
47:20
She likes the girth of the pole.
47:23
She seems to like how much it pulls.
47:30
Don't worry, we're married.
47:35
If the sound quality gets weird, might be because the mic gets covered.
47:39
Did you have enough to evaluate?
47:43
Okay, I'm gonna put my arms down for a second.
47:45
That's Quilted Northern.
47:46
Quilted Northern coming in to help with the snowman.
47:54
It's soft, isn't it?
47:55
Yeah, it's really soft.
47:56
Cultured Northern is pretty soft.
48:02
That ripped for sure.
48:04
That ripped for sure.
48:05
Okay.
48:08
You have to remember which one you like the most.
48:11
Okay.
48:12
Have a system.
48:13
That's what I have to do.
48:20
Well, it says it.
48:20
Cottonel is the next.
48:23
Do I need to hold it in my mouth?
48:25
No.
48:25
Okay.
48:30
So close.
48:32
So intimate.
48:37
That ripped, This is, you're not getting a very white snowman on this job.
48:44
Do I need to hold something?
48:47
She was not happy with how cottonel ripped when it ripped.
48:58
Now that's the honeycomb bamboo.
48:59
This is the toilet paper that our pastor at our church rejected for not liking it.
49:08
I want to follow up with him and find out why he didn't like it.
49:11
Yeah, but it's good to know.
49:14
It's data.
49:15
Like, why did he not want it?
49:18
By the way, I intend to, huh?
49:21
Well, that's okay, but it's worth asking.
49:24
I like doing it around the arms because I can see how well it...
49:27
Okay.
49:31
Find your favorite and then do the rest of me.
49:35
You haven't found your favorite?
49:36
I'm pretty sure your favorite was the Simple Truth.
49:41
That's Kirkland's signature.
49:43
I'm gonna tell you now, this guy likes to rip.
49:46
I know.
49:48
The kind that we use.
49:48
Yeah, wait till you get to Charmin.
49:50
That bad boy, the perforation on it is like paper thin, but it rips so nice.
49:57
Do I need to spread them?
49:58
Not yet.
50:00
Maybe blink.
50:03
It's so funny because it rips and you go, make sure that if you stack those too tall, they might start to get in the thing.
50:12
There you go.
50:15
I don't trust Scott very much.
50:17
Well, Scott's pretty it.
50:19
You have tissue in your nose.
50:22
I have tissue in my nose.
50:23
That's probably from the previous test.
50:27
No, this unlike stuck to no stop that.
50:30
Gross.
50:30
It's OK.
50:32
It'll give the internet something to stare at.
50:40
This will be good for our youth snowmangage.
50:43
No, we buy the cheap stuff and use the cheap stuff.
50:46
Kroger.
50:47
Doesn't it feel, doesn't, this is right out of the bag.
50:49
Doesn't it look like it's been water soaked?
50:52
Like it got damp and then dried?
50:54
Yeah.
50:55
Isn't that weird?
50:57
That's what I've been saying.
50:58
Kroger's.
50:58
Right there with your hands.
50:59
Kroger's weird.
51:00
I'm a little teapot.
51:01
Look at me.
51:03
We're in style.
51:18
That one seems to be going well.
51:22
Kroger.
51:24
Kroger brand.
51:27
Yes.
51:28
Yeah, it.
51:36
Yeah, this one rips fast.
51:44
Just to get in my mouth if you need.
51:52
Did it already rip?
51:53
Yeah.
51:54
Like I said, the perforation on the Charmin is too premium for this.
51:59
You know what mean?
52:00
Like it's too plush for this job.
52:07
That's Great Value Blue Bag.
52:08
That's Walmart brand.
52:12
It's actually, you know what?
52:15
It's one of those where it's perfectly like, whoops, I burst something somewhere.
52:19
That's on me.
52:21
It's like right down the middle in so many ways that like, yeah.
52:27
It's doing a good wrap job.
52:29
Easy to use.
52:37
The good old wrap and tuck.
52:41
Get two more?
52:46
That's a dollar store.
52:50
Notice the water soaked look and feel.
52:54
Even did all of my hard work up here.
52:57
What do mean to?
52:58
I'm not!
53:01
Literally just me.
53:02
Sorry, Mike.
53:03
It's fine.
53:04
Who's Mike?
53:11
The thermal long sleeve shirt underneath the button up and pants was a bad move for being wrapped like a snowman.
53:25
Yeah.
53:28
that's Angel Sock.
53:37
I do a lot of damage as is.
53:38
I need to put my legs together?
53:50
Yeah.
53:58
See, that's you spell it right?
54:01
What time frame?
54:09
I take a picture of this for your...
54:11
Yes, Preferably with your phone at this point, because mine's currently being occupied.
54:21
She has wet it with her finger.
54:30
I'm the world's warmest snowman.
54:35
You've dropped the, you've dropped the rule.
54:37
Let me bend over and get it.
54:39
Just burst all of your words.
54:42
Stop it.
54:46
This is a family show.
54:49
It's family adjacent.
54:54
Earlier I said this is the beavis and butt head test and then threw toilet paper down our hallway.
55:09
Wait for me to completely cover it get it ready.
55:12
yeah.
55:20
know what?
55:22
This one is my favorite for wrapping.
55:25
That's honeycomb.
55:26
That's the bamboo.
55:28
It's the best for It's probably the most expensive one.
55:31
It's the best for wrapping.
55:33
consequently, we have the most of the bamboo and that's my least favorite.
55:36
So feel free to use them on me right now.
55:39
If you want.
55:40
The second best is the Simple Truth.
55:42
Simple Truth.
55:44
Well, you hear that organic hippies?
55:47
Your Simple Truth paper is good for something.
55:51
Part-time recreation with friends and family.
55:55
Holiday fun.
55:57
Festive holiday mummies.
55:59
Festive holiday snowmen.
56:01
Festive holiday Cupid diaper wrapping.
56:06
Best of Holiday Easter Bunny Wraps!
56:14
I can't think of another holiday.
56:34
you guys do this weekend?
56:40
Well...
56:41
We took our children to multiple birthday parties and then we went home and wrapped each other in toilet No, No, there wasn't.
56:47
We went home and I got wrapped in toilet paper.
56:51
My face is still pretty open.
56:53
Are you for real?
56:54
No, I'm hot.
56:56
The honeycomb?
56:57
I believe you.
57:02
How much this do think I can salvage?
57:04
None of it.
57:05
Throw it all away.
57:07
Wow.
57:09
It's bedlam in here.
57:13
Okay
57:19
What a world, what a day of science, what an excellent opportunity to stretch our scientific muscles and explore the scientific method together.
57:30
We learned a lot.
57:31
And as we all saw, cottonel is very durable paper.
57:37
In fact, it fares very well on these tests.
57:40
Let's go through it, top to bottom.
57:42
Before we, so far, let's check in based off of our...
57:46
Based off of our scientific findings, let's find out where we're at.
57:50
the SNOS test, I mean, it goes to Cottonelle.
57:53
Now, it was very durable, it was very catchable.
57:57
Cottonelle takes the SNOS test.
57:59
The spread test, was kind of a crap shoot.
58:03
Crap shoot, get it?
58:05
You know, it's as good as any.
58:06
We're gonna get more on this spread, swampy, swampy, wet, swamp test in a second.
58:13
As you saw.
58:15
Charmin, Cottonelle, just kind of all of the premium papers did very well on the SpongeBob absorbency test.
58:21
And so it really levels out this playing field, but we're just kind of going through this.
58:25
Throwing was pretty inconclusive and I was actually pretty baffled that my wife chose the honeycomb bamboo toilet paper to make a snowman out of.
58:36
And so that leaves us with one last final test.
58:38
And this test is called the Hunty Whovie hands-on, butts-on test.
58:44
And in this test, I individually tried each of these toilet papers on my butt for a handful of weeks and documented my thoughts in an app.
58:59
So bear with me.
59:00
And this is where we are now going to rank these toilet papers, all things considered.
59:05
We're gonna rank these things and we're going to learn some things together.
59:09
So we've got to start at the bottom.
59:11
Number 11, Scott.
59:13
Lord have mercy.
59:15
mean, Scott 1000 has got to be the worst toilet paper that I have ever used.
59:20
It's worse.
59:22
I'm going to say it.
59:23
I'm on record on this show complaining pretty avidly, avid, pretty avidly about the quality of toilet paper my employer at the high school is providing.
59:35
I'm confident without a shadow of a doubt that Scott 1000 is worse.
59:40
This stuff is junk.
59:42
I mean, look at this.
59:44
This isn't even it.
59:46
I can't even find it at this point.
59:48
I probably threw it away.
59:49
It's so bad.
59:50
there she blows.
59:52
It's just bad.
59:53
Yeah, look, Scott.
59:54
I mean, just look at how thin it is.
59:56
It's so thin.
59:58
It's just awful.
1:00:01
I hate it so much.
1:00:03
Scott 1000 is the bottom of the barrel.
1:00:07
It is the worst rated toilet paper.
1:00:10
And yeah.
1:00:11
It's cheaper than the other brands.
1:00:14
But it ain't worth it.
1:00:15
Like that Joker is crud.
1:00:18
It's awful.
1:00:20
I can see the world through it.
1:00:21
Like I can see like where my finger is behind the paper.
1:00:27
It's no good.
1:00:28
Scott 1000, number 11, absolute bottom.
1:00:31
Followed very closely, I might add, by Simple Truth Organic Toilet Paper.
1:00:37
Now I understand the
1:00:40
the desire for organic.
1:00:43
People are like, I don't want any artificial dyes and I wanna make sure that it was like organically sourced and that it's sustainably done.
1:00:52
And that's all good.
1:00:53
But like make the paper good.
1:00:56
Do you know what saying?
1:00:57
Like why can't we have all those things be true?
1:00:59
know, organic paper, like organically sourced, done well and have it be a good quality paper.
1:01:05
Like why can't we have both?
1:01:07
Why is it the facts that
1:01:09
Organic Simple Truth was the 10th out of a paper 10 out of 11.
1:01:15
It's awful It somehow felt lower quality than the dollar store paper and I don't quite understand that it was thick but like also rough on my crack and and and I will admit like
1:01:28
when I was trying these I had to go back and forth between between the Simple Truth organic and the dollar store paper to really get a feel for like which ones
1:01:37
which one's doing a better job on my B right now?
1:01:40
And I gotta say, while simple truth organic is just a fraction of a hair thicker, it's not as good of a paper.
1:01:50
It lacks in comfort.
1:01:52
My butt truly felt violated by an organic tissue and I don't know if I'll ever recover.
1:02:00
Which then brings us to number nine, which wins our value test, but
1:02:07
with an asterisk is our dollar store paper.
1:02:10
It comes out to 25 cents a roll.
1:02:12
You get a four pack for a dollar.
1:02:14
And I was surprised.
1:02:15
I was actually baffled by this paper.
1:02:17
It's not soft.
1:02:19
It's not thick, but I didn't hole punch myself.
1:02:23
Like I didn't full like blast Team Rocket, blast myself off again through this paper.
1:02:30
Each wipe I should say in this butt test, I used three squares.
1:02:37
I'm on record for privy saying that a person only needs three squares to wipe, it is folded as such.
1:02:44
Three squares, this was every test that was done with the toilet paper, was done with the three square fold.
1:02:50
Now, the dollar store paper held up better than I thought.
1:02:55
Number eight was the honeycomb bamboo toilet paper.
1:02:58
Now I have to admit, when I first began setting out on this episode, I had 10 papers to try.
1:03:05
And then I was gifted.
1:03:07
the world's biggest box of bamboo toilet paper.
1:03:10
I got so dang much of this toilet paper.
1:03:13
Look this guy.
1:03:13
Look this guy.
1:03:14
I mean, it's made out of bamboo and it's not a bad paper.
1:03:19
Honeycomb bamboo.
1:03:20
My pastor at our church, they, in their family, they didn't like it and so they were passing it on and I was like, I gotta try it I tried it I actually don't mind it.
1:03:30
It's not bad.
1:03:31
I mean, it hit number eight on my list.
1:03:33
but it's perfectly serviceable and I would absolutely use it.
1:03:36
It's a good paper, surprisingly durable.
1:03:39
It's not very plush.
1:03:40
You can really experience the bamboo with the lack of plushness.
1:03:44
Number seven was the Kroger Blue Bag.
1:03:47
This is supposed to be a spiritual equivalent.
1:03:50
I think by that they mean like they have challenged or they have channeled the spirit of the big beautiful blue bear into their toilet paper.
1:03:58
Now the Kroger brand, it's a swing and a miss.
1:04:02
because it and great value should be almost comparable on this, but Kroger did not live up.
1:04:09
And I think it's the simple things here, is when we get to the great value, we're gonna find it's the simple, it's the little things that count in this life.
1:04:16
And great value's attention to those little things is greater than Kroger's.
1:04:20
I'm sorry, Kroger.
1:04:22
I'm sorry.
1:04:22
It was a swing, you took a swing, and great value hit the ball better.
1:04:26
Now while Kroger is number seven, number six is taken.
1:04:31
by Angel Soft.
1:04:33
My goodness, this is a big roll.
1:04:35
It's not bad.
1:04:36
Soft, though, is not the modifier I would choose.
1:04:39
More like Angel Serviceable or Angel Gets the Job Done.
1:04:44
Perfectly serviceable toilet paper.
1:04:45
It's a good quality middle of the road.
1:04:49
Like, it's not revolutionizing anything except for the size of this cat tang roll.
1:04:54
The roll is just massive.
1:04:56
Look at the size of this roll.
1:04:58
And granted,
1:05:00
I have used a significant portion of this roll.
1:05:02
To give you an idea, here's a fresh roll of cottonel.
1:05:06
Just look at the size of that.
1:05:07
Would you just look at that?
1:05:09
It's so big.
1:05:11
that said, it did not fit on my toilet paper roller.
1:05:15
I'm gonna have to buy an extender for it.
1:05:17
And what's interesting is I don't believe Angel Soft sells that extender.
1:05:22
Charmin does.
1:05:23
So Angel Soft's my number six.
1:05:27
It's a great toilet paper.
1:05:28
There's nothing wrong with it.
1:05:30
It left something to be desired.
1:05:32
And consequently, it is beat out by Great Value Blue Bag.
1:05:37
Great Value...
1:05:39
You know, I'm gonna say this.
1:05:43
They are a contender.
1:05:45
They have put up a toilet paper that stands with the big boys.
1:05:51
This toilet paper has class, dude.
1:05:54
It's got patterns, it's plush, it's a great paper.
1:06:00
Great value!
1:06:01
It's awesome.
1:06:02
I wish I could find it.
1:06:02
Let me see if I can track this one down.
1:06:05
That's so many papers.
1:06:06
That's so many just varieties of papers.
1:06:09
And I've really got a tower of papers that we found.
1:06:13
yeah, Great Value Blue.
1:06:14
Look at these.
1:06:16
I don't know if you can see them, but look at these butterflies.
1:06:19
It's just, it's a great roll.
1:06:22
They've done a great job.
1:06:23
There's nothing to be ashamed of here, Great Value.
1:06:26
Number five is a good strong pull.
1:06:29
Especially considering that my number four pick Kirkland signature now.
1:06:33
I must confess.
1:06:34
I'm a Costco guy These are confessions from a Costco guy Sometimes I look for an excuse to go to Costco just to just to slide a glizzy down my neck I regularly go to Costco just to
1:06:44
just to check and see if they have Pokemon cards I know they don't have them I know they don't and I I will be a Costco Kirkland signature toilet paper user Until the day that I
1:06:55
die most likely
1:06:58
But I'm here to tell you, it is not the best.
1:07:01
It is number four.
1:07:03
It takes second place on our value.
1:07:06
This paper is affordable as heck, but what you lose to that value, other papers shine because of it.
1:07:17
It's classic, but I have to admit, it's fourth place.
1:07:22
Now, I could cheat the system.
1:07:25
I could cheat.
1:07:26
There's nobody here.
1:07:27
It's between me and my god.
1:07:30
And I could say that Kirkland Signature is the best toilet paper that the market has.
1:07:35
But I know that's not true.
1:07:37
It's not the best.
1:07:39
But you don't need the best.
1:07:40
You need the working man's toilet paper, dang it.
1:07:43
It's okay.
1:07:45
It's okay when you reach for paper to wipe crap out of your butt to be able to acknowledge that, but you know, I know I could have better.
1:07:54
I know that there's better, but this is home.
1:07:58
This is familiarity.
1:08:00
And I'm a Costco guy.
1:08:02
And we have to stand for something.
1:08:04
And it's okay to wipe your butt with fourth place.
1:08:06
Okay?
1:08:07
It's okay.
1:08:09
There's no shame in it.
1:08:10
Kirkland Signature number four.
1:08:11
Number three, in many ways, the dark horse of this competition, it's setting just milestones for durability that we never saw coming.
1:08:24
Number three is cottonel.
1:08:27
What an absolute treasure cottonel is.
1:08:30
I want you to look at these ridges.
1:08:31
Look at that texture.
1:08:33
It's like an ocean's wave.
1:08:35
Now, this cottonel paper is durable.
1:08:38
I was baffled.
1:08:39
Very durable.
1:08:41
The texture is one of a kind.
1:08:43
I've talked to people on the show who crumple their paper.
1:08:46
And when they crumple their paper, they say that they do so because the textures help clear the poo.
1:08:53
And until I used cottonel toilet paper, I thought that was a load of crap.
1:09:01
But now I know that there is a different texture feel to some of the things that go on with paper on our butt.
1:09:08
And that's good.
1:09:09
Those grooves had it.
1:09:10
It's durable.
1:09:11
It's not too soft.
1:09:12
Cottonel, the Privy Cast number three toilet paper.
1:09:15
Number two, Quilted Northern.
1:09:17
Quilted Northern is unmatched in softness.
1:09:21
It is truly like a quilt.
1:09:23
As the name says, it might say Quilted Northern, but it quilted my Southern.
1:09:29
Do you know what I'm saying?
1:09:30
My crack hole.
1:09:31
At moments, I almost wasn't even sure if I had toilet paper with this.
1:09:37
mean, it's just like, look, it's like a sponge.
1:09:40
Look how soft it is.
1:09:42
You can see my finger going into it.
1:09:44
It's just so soft.
1:09:46
It's truly a remarkable paper.
1:09:48
Quilted Northern, the privy cast number two paper.
1:09:53
meaning the winner of the first ever ranked episode of privy and privy cast's number one toilet paper is those beautiful bears.
1:10:07
Charmin, you did it.
1:10:10
I have to admit, I kind of knew.
1:10:14
My parents use Charmin and every time I go over to their house, I'm reminded, this paper's good.
1:10:21
It's so soft.
1:10:23
It's also plush on my butt, but it doesn't like leave little flakes.
1:10:27
And the beautiful bears have truly dialed this in.
1:10:33
It's a premium paper the way that premium paper should be.
1:10:37
And I want to show you why.
1:10:40
There we go.
1:10:40
I had to find it.
1:10:42
This is why Charmin is a paper like no other.
1:10:49
First of all, branding.
1:10:52
Right there on the paper.
1:10:53
You got Charmin.
1:10:54
I don't know if you can read it, but it says Charmin right there.
1:10:57
The second.
1:10:58
Look at that.
1:10:59
Look at that.
1:11:00
Look at that ridge.
1:11:02
It rips perfectly.
1:11:04
It's soft.
1:11:07
It's got good patterns.
1:11:09
It's got multiple patterns.
1:11:12
Is Privycast's number one best toilet paper thank rank for March Madness 2025.
1:11:20
It's not March Madness.
1:11:21
Charmin.
1:11:22
Congratulations Charmin, you beautiful bears.
1:11:27
We love you, we love your paper.
1:11:29
Thank you for the way that you've treated our disgusting mess back there.
1:11:34
And what do we do about this?
1:11:35
Like, here we are, here's the deal.
1:11:38
The privy cast seal of approval in our definitive best toilet paper of the internet is Charmin.
1:11:44
But again.
1:11:45
There's some things that are perfectly serviceable.
1:11:48
I would argue you can use one through even six on this list with absolute confidence.
1:11:55
And those are all thanks.
1:11:56
And when we start getting down below that number six level, we start getting the stank zone.
1:12:01
And I would argue we just need to skip it.
1:12:03
Thank you all so much for being here.
1:12:04
Thank you for joining us on this First Ranked.
1:12:07
As always, we would love for you to leave us a rating or review.
1:12:10
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1:12:14
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1:12:22
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1:12:24
Tell us that we're wrong.
1:12:25
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1:12:27
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1:12:28
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1:12:31
Leave us a comment, like and ding the bell.
1:12:33
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1:12:36
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1:12:42
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1:12:50
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1:12:52
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1:13:01
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1:13:05
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1:13:06
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1:13:08
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1:13:11
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1:13:14
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1:13:15
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1:13:16
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1:13:19
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1:13:22
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1:13:25
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1:14:02
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1:14:04
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1:14:09
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1:14:11
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1:14:22
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1:14:24
Thank you so much for being here.
1:14:25
Thank you again for joining us for Ranked here on privy.
1:14:29
Keep pooping in the free world, own your stank and be okay with wiping fourth place.
1:14:35
And now, as always.
1:14:38
Don't forget to flush.