Latest / Aspergers & Autism Podcast [The Aspie World] AuDHD / Life As An ADHD Coach! [Interview Podcast With @EbonieAlchemy ]

Transcript

Life As An ADHD Coach! [Interview Podcast With @EbonieAlchemy ] · Aspergers & Autism Podcast [The Aspie World] AuDHD

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  You have arrived. Welcome to the Aspy world.
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  Here's where we talk about anything and everything ASD in
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  an upbeat and informative way. And now here's your man on the
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  spectrum, your autism ambassador, Daniel Morgan Jones.
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  Guys, welcome back to another episode of the Astro World
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  Podcast. It's really cool being back and
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  doing some new shows. First show of 2024.
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  Happy New year to everybody. Hope you're doing awesome.
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  Hope you've been enjoying the episodes daily going on today.
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  I'm joined by a good friend of mine now actually we only met
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  recently, but we're really good friends.
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  This is Ebony who is a self actualization therapist, coach,
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  life guru and ADHD, a part of the ADHD in your division team.
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  So, Ebony, what's going on? Hey, I love that intro.
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  I'm an everything you know. It's true.
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  You're a bit of everything. And and yeah, I I love the whole
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  kind of like, I don't know what you ought to call it new age
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  kind of hipster feel about you. I don't know what it is.
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  You remind me of these. I have these affirmation cards,
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  right? And you remind me of these.
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  I have these on my desk and things like, you know, what is
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  it like authenticity? Like what is authenticity?
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  What is options, you know, all this stuff.
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  That's what you remind me of. I don't know why.
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  What I love about that, those particular affirmation cards,
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  the best time I ever saw them was in LA and they are like the
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  most LA version of affirmation cards I've ever seen.
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  You really are. My first time I ever went to LA
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  was in my early 20s, like mid 20s and I was there a week and I
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  came home with like 8 best friends.
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  No friends your entire life. You go to LA for one week and
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  you're suddenly you've got all these friends.
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  You are so LA. And I don't know if you meant it
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  as a compliment or not, and I'm really not that LA, but I can
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  see where you got it and you know it's OK.
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  Yeah, 100%. I say LA, I love LA.
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  It's great apart from downtown after dark.
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  It's a little bit sketchy. When I say a little bit sketchy,
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  I mean like stay home. But I mean, no, it's great.
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  I mean, not under, you know, the the food, the food market under
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  under the like underground market.
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  That's so it's dope. I love it.
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  I love LA. It's a great place.
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  Hollywood's awesome. And like, let's be totally
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  honest. Like we're not talking downtown
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  LA, we're talking like Monica or.
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  Exactly. You're like.
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  Yeah, yeah, like the exactly like Hollywood Hills and stuff
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  like that, right. And we'll talk about the valleys
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  and stuff like Nope, yeah, I'm not talking about downtown.
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  And there's nothing over downtown Lai mean, you know,
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  Maholland Dr. we all we all going to go down South Blvd. you
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  know, like I get it. But I think there's there's so
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  much more to LA. Yeah, it's scary as well though,
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  dude. Like I have some Illuminati
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  stories. I know it's kind of a bit kind
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  of out there, but like it's real stuff.
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  I'm not going to say where all my podcasts a little crazy, but
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  LA is a crazy place. So Ebony.
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  Like do you want to tell my audience we've been talking
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  rubbish for like a literally 5 minutes now.
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  We have no idea who you are. Just tell us who you are, what
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  you do, where you're from. Like what's going on?
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  I I've lived in, or I'd lived in seven countries before I was 7.
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  I don't like the question, where are you from?
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  Because I feel like I fit in everywhere.
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  And it's not that I, it's not like I don't like ever take
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  offence. I just find it really difficult
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  to answer because I feel as though I am a global citizen and
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  I cannot live in one country permanently.
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  I need to. So.
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  He likes to travel. I have a bit like that.
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  I get itchy feet. I'm like, yeah, it's a bit kind
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  of like, yeah, I don't want to. Yeah, I, I, yeah, I carry on.
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  I, I totally agree, though. I'm, I'm very much like that.
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  I get 2 feet. I don't mean to talk.
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  I have never had a proper job in my whole life because.
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  You know, love it. I had my, I started my first
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  business at 14 when I wanted some shoes that my dad was like,
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  you know, they are not for school.
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  They are not. I don't need to buy them for
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  you. You know, some of them are
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  hooker shoes. I'm joking.
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  Go joking. No, well, it was the 90s, so
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  they were, you know, they. Probably were, yeah.
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  I know, oh, I got my first job and I made homemade cards and I
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  sold them wholesale and I like went to the back of one of those
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  magazines where you like ordered on an order form the yeah, these
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  are, these cards are blank for your own message stickers, You
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  know, so I've had every single job imaginable.
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  And at school they were like, I've got no idea what you're
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  going to be like. Maybe you're working work in HR
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  like I can't see a career for you because the Internet wasn't
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  yet invented. And I always have a location
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  independent business where I talk for a living and I help
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  people know what they want to do.
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  And they were just like, you can't get paid to that.
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  And I would like to. And I spent most of my school
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  career in the school in the corridor because I was a
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  distraction and they constantly told me and you will, you know,
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  nothing will become of you. You will have no life.
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  And I would like to. How about these people?
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  Say hi, yeah no and write whatever I want and I make a
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  very good living helping other people enjoy their lives now and
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  not when they're 60 or new, whatever A. 100% did.
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  Do you know what's really funny as are I think people have a big
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  taboo about a how you make money and B, that you want money,
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  right. But like, you know, like there's
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  nothing wrong with money. Money, money is a tool that can
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  be used for amazing things. We live in a, we live in a, in a
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  society that's that's controlled by Federal Reserve banking
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  systems and they they, they refine themselves on monetary
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  status or Peshtola societies. Now we can sit here and whinge
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  about how money doesn't do anything and it's it's bad and
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  it's evil. People are the root to all evil,
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  right? Jealousy is the roots, all evil.
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  Greed is the roots all evil. Money is not money is a tool to
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  be used good or used for bad. The problem is we don't know how
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  to play the game properly. So people rather the people go,
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  I want to learn how to play the game so I can make money and
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  create a good life for myself. They say, oh, I can't make
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  money. People need to give me money,
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  you know, and it's just this whole thing and I'm, I'm, I'm
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  more left wing than I am right wing, right?
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  I'm, I'm more of a sort of a left person, but I do believe
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  that like money's a good tool to have, you know, can make amazing
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  things. I would like it if everyone in
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  the world had equal access and rights for everything.
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  But unfortunately that's not how it works.
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  And so we can systematically change that.
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  I think allowing people to make money how they want, regardless
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  of like, you know, what they want to do.
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  I don't think people should be selling drugs and, and selling
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  their bodies, but I do believe that like, you know,
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  entrepreneurship is great and I think like making as much money
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  as you can for entrepreneurship is a good lesson to learn a
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  life. Like I said, when I was 11 years
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  old, I was homeless. I had no money, no food, no
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  house, no anything. And to come full circle to
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  creating a six figure business or whatever, you know, it's kind
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  of like, OK, well, you know, how how you know, how does that
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  work? How do, how do I feel about that
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  being on both sides, you know, and, and you know, I prefer this
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  side. When I was 2829, I ended up in a
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  lot of debt and, and couldn't pay my bills.
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  And, you know, I'd been working in the film industry at that
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  point and I'd made a lot of money and I'd learned how to
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  spend a lot of money. And then like happened and it
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  hit the UK and we were right in that time where, you know, the
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  credit card happened and all of those things.
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  And I sub a lot of money and a four bedroom house in London
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  with two flatmates who were also suddenly made redundant.
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  And so I like took decided I know I'll pay everything on my
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  credit cards. And it escalated and snowballed
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  very quickly. So I ended up in in 20 five,
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  £26,000 worth of debt, homeless. And I just started a new
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  business and I am really grateful for that time.
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  I learned humility. I asked people if I could sleep
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  on their sofas. I start this from my laptop.
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  I stayed up all night. I learned Twitter, I learned how
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  to build. You know, I learned things
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  right? I have gone from there to
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  building multiple 6 giga business and twice two different
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  ones and have had two different businesses for various different
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  reasons failed or the experience of fiduciary failure, which I
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  don't think is true failure, right?
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  It was the end of the chapter and then I started again
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  something new. And I think people are so scared
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  of failing that they forget to enjoy.
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  Enjoy the process, right? Yeah.
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  For. Sure, there's a book called The
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  Millionaire Fast Lane. And in that book they talk about
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  how people are obsessed with the the the result, but not the
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  process. And it's the process that
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  creates the result, right? So if people say, like, you
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  know, Joe Bloggs just told his business for $200 million, I was
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  like, wow, how lucky. But like, yeah, they didn't
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  show. The past 40 years, Joe Bloggs
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  has been working his ass off every day and sacrifices
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  marriage and his kids to get to that point.
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  You've got to see the process, and the process really makes a
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  difference. And if you enjoy and learn that
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  process and find that you can create life with having a
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  marriage, with having children, with having friends, then you
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  can create a really good, sustainable life force.
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  Yeah. Living it, being it, rather than
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  focusing fully on being able to say you did it, you know?
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  Yeah, exactly. I think that's super cool.
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  Oh, that was it, Facebook a failing failure, right.
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  And you and this is really interesting.
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  You mentioned this now I teach a, a course called From Chaos to
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  Confidence in 90 days, the 90 day blueprint for artistic
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  individuals. And one of the things I I teach
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  in there is, is there's three pillars in how, how confidence
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  is broken down. One of the main ones is learning
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  how to get back up from being, you know, if you try something
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  that fails, get back and try again, get back and try again.
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  That resilience, that resilience constantly builds confidence and
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  people are scared of failing because the total failure is, is
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  a bad thing. Now, Facebook, the group of
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  Meta, the, the, the, the company as a group, they have a motto.
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  And the motto is fail and fail hard.
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  And when you do that, because when you do that, when you fail
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  something, you say, well, that wasn't right.
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  I'm never going to do that again.
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  I'm going to do something else. If you, if you surround yourself
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  with that failure all the time, you're just going to be like,
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  oh, it didn't work. Woe is me.
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  It's like, you can't think like that dude.
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  Like you have to just like go, OK, I'm going to pick myself up,
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  be resilient and do something else.
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  You know what? I.
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  Mean I've just been writing this article for a magazine asked me
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  to write it because one of the things I see a lot in neuro
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  divergent individuals is and and I yes, it's a real thing and it
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  can be an excuse is rejection sensitivity, right?
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  And I have a real I turn to the science on this quite a lot and
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  I may not look like a science girl.
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  However, it's really, really important to understand that in
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  most people who have some form of neurodiversity, they have
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  less myelinating proteins. Now, what myelinating proteins
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  do is they run along our nervous system like a protective sheath
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  and a. Myelin sheath, yeah.
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  And now quick communication and coordination and resilience and
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  recovery in all of these things. So one of the reasons that we
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  may not have that resilience autonomically or automatically
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  straight away is physiological, but the good news is we can.
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  Learn it right. By getting really good sleep,
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  finding communities to people that we actually engage with
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  that allow our nervous system to feel tooled and we can actually
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  connect, whether it's stemming, whether it's being around like
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  minded people, whether it's having these conversations that
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  puts us in a place of safe and social that then builds that
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  resilience. So, you know, all those little
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  things like not reducing a toxic loss and not drinking, not doing
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  drugs, not staying up all night, like all of those little things
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  have a massive, you know, when, when we compound them have a
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  massive difference. And so it isn't just our
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  mindset. We can also work on our
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  Physiology on on actually what's going on in your body. 100%
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  dude, there's a book called Life Force by Tony Robbins.
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  Really good book and he talks about this and actually Tony
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  Robbins talks about this, this kind of like tactile feedback
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  that you get from being like, I am awesome, like I am
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  unstoppable, I'm unstoppable. You, you create this like
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  feedback that ingrains on your brain.
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  And this is something I, I write a lot about like, and I did it
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  with my book, right? I told you, did I tell you I
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  wrote a book while throating on a treadmill, right?
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  And. Really short period of time of
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  like you know. Yeah, and that's how I did.
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  And that's the same, same kind of response.
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  And it's funny. Yeah.
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  I love, I love the scientist stuff.
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  I'm actually a chemist, so I have a degree in chemistry.
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  So, and kind of like, so I learned all of those things and
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  all the, and you're absolutely right.
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  You know, like when you, when you, you have to work, the whole
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  process is working your mind, body and your, I don't know,
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  spiritual being. I don't know, you're going to
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  call it, you know, your soul or whatever.
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  You have to get all those working together.
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  And if you, if one of those is, is kind of out of sync or out of
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  kilt, everything else just falls apart.
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  It's kind of like a, a trio right now to be working
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  together. And I love that.
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  So talk to us about what's it like coaching with ADHD?
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  Like, what's it like being a person who has to be responsible
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  for the people's businesses or other people's life goals or
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  other people's kind of, I'm not responsible in that way, but
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  responsible in in motivating someone to do something in their
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  life, but also having ADHD. What's that like?
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  That's a really fascinating question actually, because when
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  I was younger, I've really felt that responsibility like a
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  really, I took it on and it's not my responsibility, it's
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  yours. My responsibility is to show up
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  right and to be there for you and to meet you where you're at.
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  I always think of the coaching relationship as a 200%
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  relationship. I'm 100%, you're 100%.
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  And if we don't have that, it's not going to work.
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  So and, and there's also a difference between mentoring
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  where you're like telling someone from your experience and
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  telling them what to do and like leading the way and coaching
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  where it really is about me bringing the answers out of you
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  because I believe I'm not the guru.
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  You are right. Like I don't have your answers,
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  got my answers, but you've got yours.
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  My job is to help you see you. So there are two things at play
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  here. 1 is really not just ADHD very aspect, just very autistic
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  and so that like not letting go of the thing until we get there
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  talk with the bar. Oh my God, helps me out right.
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  Like the thing where I was like as a teen particularly people
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  were like, will you not leave it alone?
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  No, you said you were going to do this where like show me.
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  She said she was going to like I am relentless and one of the
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  things that I am very well known for is like showing up, showing
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  up, showing up, showing up because I cannot change paths
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  unless you say we are changing paths.
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  So I will continue shortly. The other bit is that as a hyper
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  focus, I suppose I find people fascinating and I love to ask
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  questions. I'm really nosy and I don't
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  think there is a right answer or a wrong answer.
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  I just want to know. And so there is not a better job
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  in the world for me because I'm not asking for a particular
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  answer. I'm asking because I want you to
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  be fascinated and fall in love with yourself and as I am.
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  That's really interesting. And I think, you know, what you
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  said about coaching was really interesting.
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  It reminded me of the Buddhist Coons.
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  Are you familiar with this term? Yeah.
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  And so when you. It's that phenomenon, isn't it?
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  When you ask me a question that they cannot answer, they then
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  start to bring up things about themselves that they didn't
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  realise was real. And so, you know, they're
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  searching and searching and also it's not there, but then they're
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  bringing out things like, yeah. And then then they realize
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  themselves kind of like that whole rule of psychotherapy
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  where you're counseling somebody.
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  You're not telling them what to do.
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  You're saying to them, how would you do that?
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  Could you what what possibilities do you have?
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  And you're, you know what I mean?
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  You're getting them to answer their own questions, which is
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  just fantastic. And it but nobody realizes it.
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  They just go to counseling and they say, the counselor stick to
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  my life. It's like, well, actually the
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  counselor just held up a mirror, you know, And I think that's
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  that's really, really powerful stuff.
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  So what is the most rewarding part about what you do?
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  Watching people realize that they get to be themselves and
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  experience belonging, freedom, connection, resource, like all
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  of those things that they no longer have to abide by the
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  projections and perceptions that they have believed that they
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  have to adhere to in order to be free and belong.
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  Most of the people in my sphere who come to me not necessarily
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  consciously have this like binary of like, I can either
• 16:30
  have freedom or that I can belong, right?
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  And so it's like in order to be free, I need to behave a certain
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  way, or in order to belong, I'm probably not going to have my
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  freedom. Yeah, that like helping people
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  to let go of all the conditioning, all of the
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  expectations, all of this like layers of stuff.
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  Oxification, right? And be then is endlessly.
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  Yeah, that's back. Well, who?
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  OK. What type of person is the most
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  difficult person to coach or, or like, I don't know, counsel?
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  The one who either wants to fight you or wants to be saved.
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  And. And I have experienced a lot of
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  both. Right.
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  So wow, who is like absolutely everything I say the answer or
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  the attitude of the energy is no, you're wrong.
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  OK, cool. Yeah.
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  What do you, what do you do in a situation where somebody says
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  like, like I, because they've obviously come to you for help,
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  right? And so they're paying you, I
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  presume a decent amount of money to, for them to just tell you
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  that, that you're wrong. But maybe that is the therapy.
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  Am I risking something here? I don't know because I'm not, I
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  don't do coaching like that. I mean, my coaching's a little
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  bit different, but like, what do you do in a situation like that?
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  I say very directly, you came to me because you want some help.
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  You are paying me in order to move forward.
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  What are you getting by fighting me every step of the way?
• 17:55
  Interesting. So what about the people who
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  want to be saved? So the ones who want to be saved
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  have mummy issues. You know, the ones who want to
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  fight me have daddy issues, right?
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  And they're like really like in them.
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  I mean, yeah, generalizing. But the ones that want to fight
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  me, they want me to be like, push back and be their father.
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  And I'm, I'm not. I'm the ones want to be rescued,
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  like want me to like look after them.
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  And so ultimately, underneath either of those things, it's a
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  real honest conversation about being an adult.
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  It's wired my podcast adultery with Ebony because we get to
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  repairing ourselves, right? It's like it happened.
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  However your childhood was it happened?
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  Is it your fault that it happened?
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  No, but it is now your responsibility because you are
• 18:39
  an adult. And So what are you going to do
• 18:40
  about it? Are you going to spend the whole
• 18:42
  of the rest of your life wishing it were different and fighting
• 18:45
  me or like looking to be rescued by every single person that
• 18:48
  with? Or are we actually going to meet
• 18:50
  this pattern within you and do something different?
• 18:54
  100% I, I, I heard a A1 line quote recently from someone, I
• 18:59
  think I was into a podcast. Oh yeah, it was, it was the
• 19:03
  social media marketing podcast. And somebody said that they went
• 19:06
  to a conference once and the, the only thing they took away
• 19:10
  from the conference was the one line.
• 19:11
  And and so they gave us everything in the podcast and it
• 19:12
  was stop looking for the adult in the room.
• 19:16
  And when you when you think and then you're like, oh shit, I'm
• 19:19
  the adult. Like I don't know what is
• 19:21
  resusible. Yeah, sure.
• 19:23
  You came online and one of the questions I didn't ask you,
• 19:25
  which is in my 15, is like, how often do you find yourself
• 19:29
  looking around for the adultiest adult in the room and then
• 19:31
  realise it's you? Yeah, interesting.
• 19:35
  Right. Like not anymore, not not
• 19:37
  really. Well, like I, I started kind of
• 19:39
  going away from that. I think like when you hit like
• 19:41
  32, I'm not sure how old you are, but when you hit about 32,
• 19:46
  yeah, around that age, you start to go, hey, like it's called
• 19:50
  the, to me, it's The tipping point.
• 19:51
  Have you read that book, The Tipping Point?
• 19:53
  Now I also have to have a minute here.
• 19:55
  Now I want to know how old you think I am.
• 19:59
  I would say you're 303536 maybe? How old are you?
• 20:06
  43. Jeez, OK, how old am I?
• 20:10
  Well, see, now I think you're 35.
• 20:14
  No I'm not. No I'm not.
• 20:22
  Guess again. 6 feet tall. I'm 37 years old.
• 20:29
  I'm 38 this year. I'm good age.
• 20:33
  Well, my body is a temple and so I, I can, a lot of people think
• 20:37
  I'm in my 20s, which is kind of like, I don't know if it's a is
• 20:40
  a good thing, but but yeah. Again, it's the it's the autism
• 20:44
  thing. We all way like when we're
• 20:45
  young. Everyone thinks we're old and
• 20:47
  the older we get them more. Yeah, 100% I'd set as if I did a
• 20:51
  whole video on people like autistic people looking way
• 20:53
  younger, right. It's that anyway, that tipping
• 20:55
  point when, when you get to it was about 32 years old, you
• 20:58
  start to tip and, and the majority of society that you
• 21:02
  surround yourself with are the are intellectual level that they
• 21:05
  understand you and they respect you or they're younger than you.
• 21:09
  So they respect you. So it's a really interesting age
• 21:11
  to get to about 32 because then the tipping point happens and
• 21:14
  you and then you no longer look at the other.
• 21:15
  You're like, look, I don't want to drop my kids off at school.
• 21:17
  So, but like, you know, sometimes I do think to myself,
• 21:21
  they think I'm just like pretending to be dad, you know,
• 21:24
  like I'm a young person, have had kids young, but I'm not like
• 21:27
  I'm, I'm, I'm not the typical age of having children.
• 21:30
  And yeah, it's really, it's a fascinating experience growing
• 21:34
  all definitely a privilege to deny to many.
• 21:36
  So I think it's I think it's a great thing.
• 21:38
  So with that being said, I'm sorry I spoke over you.
• 21:41
  Most of this podcast. I get too excited to like get
• 21:43
  guests on. You have your own podcast and
• 21:47
  I'm on your podcast, right? So I want people to know where
• 21:49
  can they listen to your podcast? How do they get in touch with
• 21:51
  you? Like what if people want to know
• 21:53
  more? Where do they go?
• 21:55
  I have a podcast which is called Adulting with Ebony and
• 21:59
  ebonyally.com/podcast is where you'll find it.
• 22:02
  And then all the usual places, right?
• 22:03
  It's absolutely everywhere. I hang out on most on Instagram
• 22:07
  and so I'm at Ebony Alchemy. I'm going to let you put the
• 22:11
  links in so people can click because no one could just name
• 22:14
  it's with a name or why? I will.
• 22:17
  Explain. If you try and search me,
• 22:19
  there's only one of me. I am prolifically on the
• 22:22
  Internet. You will find me.
• 22:24
  I love it. OK, I'll leave all of the links
• 22:26
  in the description down below and anybody listening on the
• 22:29
  audio podcast, I'll put this in the show notes as well so you
• 22:31
  guys can actually check it out. Any questions before we depart?
• 22:34
  Do you want to say anything to my audience?
• 22:35
  Do you want to ask me a question?
• 22:36
  Anything? Nobody really asks me questions
• 22:38
  on my podcast. Well, sometimes I do, but.
• 22:42
  Finished the sentence for me because we didn't get to do it
• 22:44
  online. I'm an adult but.
• 22:46
  I'm tired and my back hurts. I see, I see the post on
• 22:56
  Instagram and it was like something like it was like a
• 22:58
  picture of like like shoes from the 90s or a Tamagotchi or
• 23:02
  something like if you know what this is, I'm sorry a back hurt
• 23:05
  right now. I'm like Oh my God, I don't even
• 23:06
  know. But idea to be fair, like my
• 23:09
  back doesn't hurt that much A. Little I am mostly held together
• 23:14
  with Pilates, but yes. It's true.
• 23:16
  Like I'd run 03/3 or four times a week and I'm like, if I didn't
• 23:21
  do that, I think I would be falling apart right now.
• 23:23
  But yeah, I love it. That's cool.
• 23:25
  Finish. This sentence is a really,
• 23:26
  really fun thing I'm going to put onto my podcast.
• 23:28
  That's really cool. Stealing it.
• 23:31
  Anyway, guys, thank you so much for joining us.
• 23:32
  It's been an awesome episode. Make sure to hit the subscribe
• 23:35
  button if you're not already subscribed.
• 23:36
  And I know the people listening are listening and you haven't
• 23:39
  clicked that subscribe button. I can see you.
• 23:41
  I can see you in the end. Like, so do it, hit that
• 23:43
  subscribe button. Make sure you don't miss an
• 23:44
  episode. Ebony, thank you so much for
• 23:46
  joining me. It's been awesome.
• 23:47
  Having me. Hey guys, thank you so much for
• 23:52
  checking out this podcast. Make sure you are subscribed
• 23:54
  because there are people listening right now who not
• 23:56
  subscribe to this podcast. I can see you.
• 23:59
  Make sure you subscribe. OK guys, see you in the next
• 24:00
  one. Peace.