Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 34, Season 2: Quit Complaining! Why We Do It, and Why It's Dangerous

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Episode 34, Season 2: Quit Complaining! Why We Do It, and Why It's Dangerous · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast, where we talk all
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: things life, love and relationships and the psychology behind them.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: I'm your co host Raina Butcher here with our host,
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: doctor Sarah Hensley, the owner, founder, and CEO of the
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: lovedc relationship coaching services. You can find her at the
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: lovedoc dot com or on any social media handle at
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: doctor Sarah Hensley. First and foremost, we want to thank
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• 1:59
  Speaker 1: All right, so to today's topic, a very important one.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: There been some new science on this and Eric says
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: the dangers of complaining.
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  Speaker 2: Complaining is terrible for you. It's really really bad for
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  Speaker 2: the brain. It will really down level your life in
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  Speaker 2: every way, shape and form. And my goal for twenty
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  Speaker 2: twenty six is to be the happiest person in the room.
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  Speaker 2: And I made a video on this on social media,
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  Speaker 2: and a lot of the comments were like, what about therapy,
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: and so now I have to keep it all in
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: and I'm going to explode, and no, that's not the case.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: We're going to actually break down the science of why
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  Speaker 2: complaining is bad for you and what you can do instead.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: And as someone who grew up in a household of
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: constant complaining, it was such a negative trait that I
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: had to work so hard to correct.
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  Speaker 1: I'm still working on it.
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  Speaker 3: I am too.
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  Speaker 2: Honestly, in my house, if you weren't complaining, nobody was talking.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: And it's a fear based and pessimistic based way to live.
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  Speaker 1: And I grew up in a very similar way. And
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  Speaker 1: again it's one of those things that you don't even
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  Speaker 1: realize you're doing it.
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  Speaker 3: You don't, so.
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  Speaker 1: Becoming conscious of it, I feel like, is maybe the
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  Speaker 1: first step. Yes, which is something of course that you
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: teach in your practice. I do, but I want to
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  Speaker 1: start sort of from the beginning, because obviously this is
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: stuff that you have known for a while.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: It is I did my master's thesis on repetitive thought
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  Speaker 2: and the psychological and relational consequences and the absolute goat
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: of repetitive thought research was my mentor, Suzanne Segerstrom at
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: the University of Kentucky. She scared me then, and I
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: really want to impress her still now. No, I mean
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  Speaker 2: I would like to think that, you know, she would
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  Speaker 2: view me as an equal colleague now. But I was
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  Speaker 2: scared to death of her, not because she was mean,
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  Speaker 2: but because she was so unbelievably smart. It was just
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  Speaker 2: so intimidating to work under her. Yeah, you know, there
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: were things I wouldn't grasp and she would just explain
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  Speaker 2: it and you'd be like, Wow, how do you do this?
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  Speaker 1: It's a gift, I know.
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  Speaker 2: And one time I took her class in personality psychology
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  Speaker 2: and I got a bee and I had no idea
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  Speaker 2: why I got to be. And I went to her
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  Speaker 2: office and I was like, why did I get to
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  Speaker 2: be in your class?
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  Speaker 3: Like I worked really.
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  Speaker 2: Hard and like I thought, I did like really good
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  Speaker 2: on this final paper.
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  Speaker 3: And you know what she did.
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  Speaker 2: She looked at me in the eye and she went,
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  Speaker 2: getting a bee is a good life lesson and you
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  Speaker 2: need it.
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  Speaker 1: Respect. And I was like what?
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  Speaker 2: And I was a straight A student and she knew
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  Speaker 2: it and she was not about to So when you
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  Speaker 2: go to graduate school, and you work with a mentor,
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  Speaker 2: they their job is to train you. Their job is
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: to push you as far as you can go. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and I needed that lesson. You needed this challenge, needed
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: the challenge. And you know then she did sit with
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: me and say here's where you could have done better.
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  Speaker 2: And man, that was like a gut punch back in
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  Speaker 2: the day when I was misperfectionist. But I want to
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  Speaker 2: start what's some of her research because it goes all
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  Speaker 2: the way back to I was in graduate school from
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  Speaker 2: two thousand and five to twenty ten, and my master's
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  Speaker 2: thesis was actually published in a four part study paper
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  Speaker 2: in twenty twelve and to study number two in this
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  Speaker 2: paper was my master's thesis and so I'm kind of
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  Speaker 2: proud of it. But it's just going back to some
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  Speaker 2: of the OG research in the repetitive thought field. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: she is a leader in that field. She's a leader
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  Speaker 2: in the field of optimism as well and the benefits
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  Speaker 2: of being optimistic. And she actually has a book called
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  Speaker 2: Breaking Murphy's Law, How Optimists can get what they want
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  Speaker 2: and pessimists can do And it is a very very
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  Speaker 2: interesting science backbooked on you know, optimism versus pessimism, which
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  Speaker 2: are actually separate traits. But complaining is never good for you.
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  Speaker 2: It's never good for you. It doesn't serve any psychological
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  Speaker 2: purpose that is positive.
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  Speaker 3: So let's let's let's.
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  Speaker 1: Break it down. Yeah, so obviously complaining in the moment,
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: it feels like a relief, right does, so tell our
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  Speaker 1: listeners why that is. Let's start there. Why does it
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  Speaker 1: feel good? Okay, and then we'll kind of reverse psychology.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, so it can create social bonding, so you can
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  Speaker 2: feel like you're bonding with someone if you're complaining to
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  Speaker 2: them about something and if they're complaining back to you,
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  Speaker 2: it feels like a bonding situation. It offers some validation,
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  Speaker 2: so people might soothe you by saying.
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  Speaker 3: Oh, I understand, it's okay.
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  Speaker 2: So you get this sort of validation bubble where your
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  Speaker 2: nervous system feels soothed by that. But here's what it does.
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  Speaker 2: It puts you in the role of victim and your
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  Speaker 2: brain knows that. So that introduces things like helplessness and hopelessness.
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  Speaker 2: It keeps your brain activated in a threat state.
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  Speaker 3: So what does that do.
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  Speaker 2: It means that you are pumping out adrenaline and cortisol
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  Speaker 2: and pro inflammatory side of kinds and all the things
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  Speaker 2: that are activated in your body that are detrimental to
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  Speaker 2: your physical health as well as your psychological well being.
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  Speaker 2: So complaining alerts your nervous system that you are under threat.
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  Speaker 2: And the more you do it, the more you start
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  Speaker 2: to wire in your brain trying to find threat. So
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  Speaker 2: what fires together wires together. The more you repeat complaining
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  Speaker 2: and negativity, the more your brain will search for negativity
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  Speaker 2: and feel like it is under threat. That is how
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  Speaker 2: the brain works. You can wire it towards the good,
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  Speaker 2: or you can wire it towards the bad. And my
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  Speaker 2: program is all about neuroplasticity and rewiring your brain to
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  Speaker 2: be someone who is more optimistic, more resilient, someone who
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  Speaker 2: has a secure attachment filter, so you're looking through the
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  Speaker 2: lens of a secure person instead of your old wounding
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  Speaker 2: lens and really being able to talk yourself on the
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  Speaker 2: ledge or off the ledge.
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  Speaker 3: It's totally true.
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  Speaker 1: I find it so interesting that, you know, just in
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  Speaker 1: the past couple of weeks, you know, maybe it was
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  Speaker 1: with the new year coming around, and like my algorithm
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  Speaker 1: was like serving me up all these videos specifically about
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  Speaker 1: this topic, and I'm thinking, this is the stuff Doctor
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  Speaker 1: Hinsley's been teaching for like years.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, and then people repackage it, right, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and again this work. I want to talk about Susanne
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  Speaker 2: Segristum's work because not just because she was my advisor,
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  Speaker 2: because she's a freaking brilliant human being and her book
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  Speaker 2: has stuck with me. I read it back in the day,
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  Speaker 2: I did not implement a thing of it, but then
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  Speaker 2: when I did my healing work, I went back to it.
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  Speaker 3: I was like, I'm implementing this shit. I'm doing it.
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  Speaker 2: So, okay, let's talk about repetitive thought, which is actually
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  Speaker 2: sort of the psychological basis of complaining. So repetitive thought
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  Speaker 2: verbalized this complaining. So repetitive thought has been studied by
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  Speaker 2: Segrestrum and colleagues, which includes myself back in the day.
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  Speaker 2: I've obviously been away from it, but it is sort
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  Speaker 2: of characterized by two underlying constructs. So if we look
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  Speaker 2: at repetitive thought, we can sort of pull two pieces
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  Speaker 2: out of it. One is valence, and valence is it
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  Speaker 2: positive or is it negative? So the topic of your
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  Speaker 2: thoughts that you eventually blurred out of your mouth are
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  Speaker 2: those positive things or negative things? And that is the
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  Speaker 2: biggest predictor of the outcome. Sounds reasonable, right, you're talking
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  Speaker 2: about positive things, you're gonna feel more positive. Talking about
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  Speaker 2: negative things, you're gonna feel more negative. But then there's
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  Speaker 2: this other component which is really interesting and it was
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  Speaker 2: a model she created from lots of qualitative samples of
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  Speaker 2: people talking about what was on their mind. And this
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  Speaker 2: is repetitive thought purpose and this is the purpose that
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  Speaker 2: the thinking aka venting, complaining serves for you. And so
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  Speaker 2: there's this interactive effect between valence and purpose. So is
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  Speaker 2: what you're talking about positive or negative and that actually
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  Speaker 2: interacts with purpose. And we can define purpose by either searching,
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  Speaker 2: which means you're trying to find meaning. You're trying to say, Okay,
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  Speaker 2: how does this fit in my life? And how does
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  Speaker 2: this fit with my identity? And what does this mean
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  Speaker 2: for me? So it's like meaning making and then solving okay,
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  Speaker 2: which is certainty seeking, it's planning, it's goal resolution, it's
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  Speaker 2: what are you going to do about it?
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  Speaker 3: Okay? Solution focused.
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  Speaker 2: So searching is very you know, as you can imagine,
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  Speaker 2: open ended and like exploratory and sort of it doesn't
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  Speaker 2: have this outcome of Okay, what am I going to do.
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  Speaker 2: It's just all about what is this, what does this
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  Speaker 2: mean for me? And how does this fit with my
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: identity and how does this like, how do I process
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  Speaker 2: this in terms of my life and what this means?
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  Speaker 2: And then solving as okay, what am I to do
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  Speaker 2: about it? So if you draw a chart, and I remember,
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  Speaker 2: this chart is like burned into my brain with four
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  Speaker 2: quadrants and on one end you have valence, So one
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  Speaker 2: quadrant is positive, the other quadrant is negative, and on
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  Speaker 2: the top of the chart you have purpose searching versus solving,
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  Speaker 2: then you can kind of collapse each quadrant into Okay,
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  Speaker 2: are your thoughts negative and searching? And what does that
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  Speaker 2: do for you? Are they negative and solving? And what
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  Speaker 2: does that do for you? Are they positive and searching?
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  Speaker 2: Positive and solving? So we ended four quadrants, right, and
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  Speaker 2: this is the RT two D model. This is her
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  Speaker 2: theoretical concept of repetitive thought. And I remember distinctly her
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  Speaker 2: laughing about it saying that it sounded like R two
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  Speaker 2: D two.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's exactly what can and that's.
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  Speaker 3: That's why they just think RT two D repetitive thought.
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  Speaker 2: Two dimensions, valence, purpose, those are the two dimensions. And
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  Speaker 2: so we actually went through and I spent lots of
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  Speaker 2: hours coding, writing samples for valence and purpose and looked
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: at sort of what these four quadrants look like. So
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  Speaker 2: I have notes here in front of me because listen,
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  Speaker 2: this was twenty years ago. Okay, so yeah, so positive
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  Speaker 2: valance plus solving. So if your thoughts are solving, focus,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: like you're trying to figure out what to do. But
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  Speaker 2: it's also a positive thing, right, Like, I have this
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  Speaker 2: positive thing that happened to me, but I kind of
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: don't know what decision to make, Like maybe it's a
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: job offer, or you're planning your wedding or there could
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: be lots of instances like that. It gives you agency,
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: it gives you adaptive regulation, so it's very good for
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: your nervous system. It elevates mood. And this is the
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  Speaker 2: most positive quadrant, like this is this is this is
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  Speaker 2: where the most positive outcomes occur.
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  Speaker 1: Makes sense, okay?
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  Speaker 2: Right for sure? Positive valance plus searching. It can give
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: you meaningful insight, It can be geared towards self development,
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  Speaker 2: which is good, and it creates flexible thinking.
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  Speaker 1: Can you give an example on that one too? Yes,
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  Speaker 1: that helps my brain, so.
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  Speaker 2: Perfect example. I have a project I cannot announce publicly,
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: but when I do, it's going to be huge, so
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  Speaker 2: incredibly exciting, Like my body feels it deeply when I
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: think about this project coming up and what it's going
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: to mean for my career, what it's going to mean
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: for my platform, what it's going to mean for my income,
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: my legacy.
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  Speaker 1: Your children, my children, grandchildren.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: So exciting, But there's a part of me that is like,
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: my identity is going to shift, and what does that
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  Speaker 2: mean for me? What does that mean for how I
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: view myself? What does that mean for my life? What
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: does that mean for how my children will be able
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: to operate in the world. What does that mean for me?
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  Speaker 2: And how do I handle that with grace? And how
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  Speaker 2: do I handle that with humility?
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  Speaker 3: And how do.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: I make it like, how do I make sure it
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: does something good for the world. So that is meaning making,
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: but it's a very positive thing, and it can also
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: create flexibility because you can also be able to view
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: that there are a lot of different variables that might
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: come into play, so it's not just about the money,
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: like I could be coming at this just from a
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: financial perspective that this is going to make me a
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: lot more money. That doesn't really encompass what it means
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: for my life. That's one part of what it encompasses.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: What does it mean for my identity. There's a huge
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: component there where I want to make sure who I
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: present to the outside world is a true reflection of
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: who I am on the inside. Huge We already talked.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: We talked a lot about that last episode authenticity. You know,
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: hypocrisy is painful. You don't want to be that, And
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: so I have to get flex and thinking of what
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: are all the ways in which my life is going
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: to change down to not just my external things like
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: my money, but my internal resources, my identity, my self concept,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: my self esteem, your marriage, my marriage, my relationship with
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: my children. So it allows you to expand and be
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: very flexible in you're thinking. When you're searching, you're sort
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: of searching. You're expanding, right, You're looking for different aspects
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  Speaker 2: of what this means.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: Okay, and we go to the negative.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: Okay, negative valence, which means the thoughts are negative and
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: the complaint is negative plus solving. This is your classic worry.
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: This is the definition of worry. It's the classic worry
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: quadrant and it has the most negative outcomes. So this
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: is often what complaining actually is.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: What do I do?
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I can't take this.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: I don't know what to do. I can't. I can't
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: believe this happened. Ugh, I can't.
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  Speaker 2: I can't deal with this. It's focused on this negative
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: thing has happened and I can't. That's often what complaining is, Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: this sucks and I can't. I can't deal with this
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: or I don't know how to deal with this. So
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: basically what you're telling your brain is can't, never could,
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: and everything sucks.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: There's no solution.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: There's no solution. I'm stuck. It is. It is just worry.
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: Externalized that ignites threat in your brain. And there's something
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: called the preservation cognition hypothesis from I hope I say
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: his name right, Rushcot or brush shot okay again twenty
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: years ago people where repetitive thinking and verbalizing stressors keeps
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: the body's stress systems turned on. And that is the
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: mechanism that links planing to negative physiological and psychological outcomes.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: So complaining is linked to poor physical outcomes.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Like is that the new science some of the new
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: science that's coming out.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: It's not brand new, but we have offshoots of the
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: science that I want to talk about that is coming out,
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: that is new stuff, Okay, okay, And so complaining turns
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: on your stress response system. You're pumping out quarters all,
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: you're pumping out adrenaline, you're pumping out inflammatory side of clients,
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: all the things we always talk about, and that in
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: turn excuse your immune system, creates a lot of dysfunction
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  Speaker 2: in your body, creates anxiety.
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: Creates depression, et cetera.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: Okay, that definitely happens when thoughts are negative and you're
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: just looking for solutions everywhere. Okay, negative thoughts plus searching,
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: So you have negative thoughts, but you're trying to find meaning.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Okay, like a death, death of a loved one maybe.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: Yep, that actually can be somewhat positive, but we have
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: to treat it like a transitional state. There's only so
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: much of it that you can do where it becomes
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: positive and then it becomes a negative loop and it
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: becomes very dysregulating. So it serves like a very it
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: serves a benefit at first, but then you've got to
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: kind of get going with it.
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: You got to find that meeting, and then.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: You've got to turn it into productive skill acquisition, which
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: means you have to learn new coping skills that are
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: going to help you deal with whatever negative thing has
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: happened that's on your mind. Okay, so let's talk about
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: some of the cool new research. Yeah, okay, yes, So
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: let's see. It actually shows that when you complain, Okay,
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: in the science, this is kind of new, that there's
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: like a social contagion component, which is not only does
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: it put you in a bad mood, but it can
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: put other people in a bad mood. So you're complaining
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: might cost you some friends, people might not want to
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: be around you, and maybe they're not being honest with
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: you and telling you that they don't like being around you.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: Maybe they're people pleasers and they don't want to just
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: abandon the friendship, but they're really sick of your complaining.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: You don't know, we've had friends like that. Yeah, I
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: was that person.
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: Me too.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: I'm still working on those things.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: And so there's this like a social contangent component or
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: mood contagion component where you are going to be in
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: a bad mood, but then you can you can like
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: project that bad mood onto other people. Yeah, like you're
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: being Debbie downer and so now they hate their life too.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and who wants to be around that?
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: Nobody?
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: Nobody?
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: You know Ashley, she came on the pod a couple
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: months ago.
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: The person who.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: Brought me to God laid me at the feet of Jesus,
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: changed my life forever. That was such an amazing episode.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: I would go back and listen to it again. She
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: once said, complaining is a character flaw.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I agree.
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: And when I said that on social media, and I
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: have to credit Ashley because those are her words. People
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: want nuts. But now I have to hold it in
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: and then y'll just explode. This is because you have
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: poor metacognition. You have poor ability to check what's in
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: your brain, hold it up to the truth, hold it
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: up to like what it means for you in your
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: life and not just in this moment, and then decide
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: to change your thought. The thought comes in, it's negative,
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: there's no checks and balances, and it comes out of
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: your mouth okay, which is why when you have poor metacognition,
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: you get to the point of wanting to explode because
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: you're not challenging what comes in your head. You're just
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: deciding that the first thought that comes to your mind.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: You can't control that, but you can't control what thoughts
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: you take down the rabbit hole and catastrophize and overgeneralize
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: and make it the worst thing in the world.
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: And so not only are you doing.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: Yourself a disservice, you're doing the people around you a disservice.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: Who would you rather be around somebody that is optimistic
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: and somebody that is uplifting and somebody that is confident.
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: How would that make you feel in your body versus
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: being around somebody who has nothing but complaints.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: It would make me feel motivated most of the time,
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: you know. I mean positivity makes me feel motivated. I
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: mean watching the Air's documentary, like watching Taylor Swift, there
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: was a part of me that was like, Okay, she's amazing,
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: and I want to be more on top of my
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: game and I you know, because this woman is a machine.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: And then there was also this part of me it
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: was like, gosh, I'm insignificant.
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: You like that's okay.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we all don't need to be Taylor Swift. Of course,
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: not right, we all don't need to be Yeah, I'm
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: okay with the best Taylor Swift, like actually best at
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: what we do. I love people that are the best
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: at what they do. I love watching I loved the
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: Michael Jordan documentary. I love the Tiger Woods documentary and
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: poor Tiger, he's had some issues. But I love the
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Taylor Swift documentary. They're the best at what they do
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: and there's something incredible about that. Yeah, but there's also
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: I remember, you know, studying social comparison that there is
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: this like sort of interactive effect with social comparison where
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: when you make an upward social comparison, it interacts with optimism.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: Whereas if you're optimistic and you make an upward social comparison,
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: it does produce motivation. If you're not optimistic and you
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: make an upward social comparison, it leads to jealousy.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I didn't feel any of that. Yeah, obviously No,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I was just like man.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: And so optimism, if you want to learn how to
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: be optimistic, go read Suzanne's book. Is really a very
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: interactive trait that can help make hard things like comparing
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: yourselves to others actually beneficial. So so the body treats
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: replayed stress as a new event, so your brain actually
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: can't quite tell a perfect difference between a stressor from
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: the past and it happening to you right now as
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: you're complaining about it.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: And that's wild.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that is wild, And I mean that's a little
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: bit how the brain works. The brain can tell a
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: little bit. For example, I've said this before, but when
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: you watch like a movie and somebody's like standing on
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: the edge of a cliff and you start sweating, your
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: palm starts sweating, that's that psychological construct of your brain,
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: like is it happening to me?
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: Is it? Is it now?
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Well? Grief. Grief is a good example mm hmm. You know, obviously,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: when you get the news of someone you love dying,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: it's awful and traumatic, but then when you relive it,
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: you have some of those sensations that come back up,
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: but it's not as severe.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: And grief is one of those emotions that never is
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: fully processed. We do know that, and I think that
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: that is profound because I think, you know, life and
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: death is something that we all face. Death is inevitable
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: for everybody, but yet it's one of the hardest things
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: to comprehend even though it's inevitable across humanity. So that
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: makes sense why grief is that way. It strengthens attentional
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: bias towards threat. Mentioned this at the beginning, but really
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: what you're wiring in is hypervigilance. When you complain, you
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: are becoming more hypervigilant towards threat. And for us FA
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: is out there, we're hypervigilance is already pretty wired in,
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: and we're trying to heal our attachment. Complaining just it
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: rewires and strengthens those grooves in the brain around that
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: the world is threatening, that people are threatening, relationships are threatening,
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: and you don't want to live that way, always looking
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: for the next shoe to drop. Oh my gosh, I
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: live so much of my life waiting for the next
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: shoe to.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: Drop in a big hurdle to get over.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: And even I've even noticed, like when I'm around my
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: mom and I love my mom so much, but and
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: she's working on this and I'm so proud of her.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: I don't know how to connect with my mom without complaining, Like,
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: I don't know how to connect, don't I don't know
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: how to be like life is really good.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I've struggled with that same thing with you know,
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: you know my sister, which you are familiar with. It's like,
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: if there's not like this unhealthy discourse of like hating
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: on each other.
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: Or drama or on something like hating on something.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, someone, it's like we don't know how to connect
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: and talk, you know, and I think you know in
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: her defense and my own, it's something that we both
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: genuinely want to get away from.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: And it requires conscious vigilance of your thoughts, which is metacognition,
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: which is a skill I teach. I teach you the
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: how to in my hybrid program, how to take control
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: of your mind and taking control of my mind. I've
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: said it before million times. Mastering my mind was the
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: first major launch of my healing journey. Yeah, because my
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: mind was I was a prisoner. I was a prisoner
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: of pessimism. I was a prisoner of fear. I was
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: a prisoner of I can't energy. That's why I have
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: my sticker that says it's trash can not trash cannot Yeah, because.
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: Can't never could.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: My dad says that all the time. To our dad said,
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: they hate the word can't. In our household. My dad
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: has said that to me my entire life. Can't never could.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: My mom did too.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: And something we haven't talked about that maybe you're going
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: to talk about which I think is really proactive in
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: fighting complaining is gratitude, and the science showing that actually
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: you cannot have gratitude and complaining at the same time.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: Nope, it's the opposite of complaining. Gratitude is the exact
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: polar opposite of complaining. And anxiety and worry and fear
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: and gratitude cannot be turned on in the brain at
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: the same time.
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: They are opposing.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: Neuro biological functioning can't be turned on at the same time.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Those circuits oppose each other. If one slipped on, the
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: other slipped off, and vice versa. And that was one
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: huge important lesson that actually came from my faith was
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: God asks you to be in gratitude. I mean, oh
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: my gosh, first world problems over here.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's so much to be grateful for, so much.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I mean, I just posted a story on my Instagram
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: story last night about like I have. It was like
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: this little song I have shoes on my feed, I'm
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: so lucky, I have a roof over my head, I'm
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: so lucky, I have food to eat. I'm so like.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: It was just this cute, little sinful song, but it's
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: so true. Yeah, and I'm blessed beyond all those things.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: Beyond yeah, way beyond all those things.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: I mean, think about people that literally like starving children
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: that are going to be hungry, people that don't have
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: running water.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this was a slab in the feeople that don't.
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: Have a working toilet, people that have to go outside
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: to use the bathroom.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I went on a tangent one night, you know,
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: wrapping gifts because again, it was just like I was
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: in this burnout phase, you know, of twenty twenty five,
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: and Chris just seemed like this extra chore for me.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: I know it did for both of us. We were
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: just kind of in that space, and you know, I
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: really had to step back after this big tangent that
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: I went on one night, and I'm like, why am
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: I sitting here complaining about wrapping gifts when some people
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: can't even afford groceries.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: Or some people are like I can't buy my kid's
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: Christmas presents and I devastated this year. Yeah, I just
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: it's just yeah, sometimes just going to kick yourself and
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: then slap yourself in the face, you know, be like
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: wake up, absolutely this stop stop. Yeah, And that's when
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: I go to God and just repent for that yeah,
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: because it's selfish, it's entitled, it's self absorbed. Yeah, it's gross,
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: it is, it's grotesque, it's absolutely gross. And then but
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: then we have to fight like all of the care
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: about everything culture and I'm sick of that. I'm not
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: going to complain about it, but I'm gonna say you
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: can care about all the things and only put your
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: energy towards some of the things.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Well, and you're allowed to have an opinion and an
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: opinion and not be complaining.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: That's right, Yeah, And I am not in any way.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: I just want to clarify saying you can't state what
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: you feel. Sure, I feel sad. I am struggling here. Yeah,
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: those are all okay, it's okay to state what you're feeling.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: But it becomes complaining when you're just marinating in your
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: own crap, heating it. It's the repetitiveness and you're just
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: you're not doing anything productive with it. You're just having
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: a victimization pity party that actually serves zero purpose. And
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: as the science is laid out here, it shows it
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: actually serves a very negative purpose purpose, which is keeping
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: you in a stress response, making you very unappealing to
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: others around you and giving them your bad mood.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: It's quite towards sick and making you sick, making you sick.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: It's making you sick. Complaining will make you sick. So
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: stop about stop it, stop it. But you need good
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: metacognition to catch it. Yeah, because you won't catch it
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: because if you're so used to being a victim of
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: your mind, you can't see it. You don't see it,
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: and you think, oh, it's venting its productive. And then
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: everybody in the comment section of my video is going,
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: what about therapy? Well, yeah, we're all asking ourselves that question.
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: What about therapy?
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: This was going to be my segue into the therapy
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: conversation because you know, this is something that you often
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: mentioned in your content about the effectiveness of coaching versus therapy.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: Of course, not to knock therapy. You know it's aridality
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: and yeah, can be effective. Yeah, but let's talk about
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: when it is and when it isn't effective. That's when
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: it just gives you a bubble to complain in and
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: gives you nothing but over validation of your complaints. It
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: is actually doing you a disservice. And unfortunately I've mentioned
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: this before. We are rapidly cutting down training programs for
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: mental health providers because of our mental health crisis, and
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: therefore we are rushing people through training and therefore they
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: are not very skilled and that is sad, and often
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: those people end up in community care settings with the
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: most vulnerable population of people that really do need skilled providers.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: So what about therapy, Well, therapy can be effective when
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: there is a searching component. We already know that right,
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: when there is reappraisal, when there's meaning, when there's integration.
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: But like I said before, when searching becomes prolonged, it
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: becomes a negative loop and we don't want that. And
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: a lot of therapy becomes years of meaning making, years
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: of identifying, years of awareness, years of complaining.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, the people that come into your practice,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: the messages I've seen, it's like, oh my gosh, I've
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: been in therapy for forty years and doctor Hensley's program
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: just changed my life.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and we got to learn more than in twenty
• 31:59
  Speaker 3: years of therapy.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's hurt.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: I saw there was one that I had forty years
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: of therapy, Oh my gosh, forty years and it probably
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: did nothing but reinforce the groups in his brain around
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: threat and around victimization, around helplessness, hopelessness, shame, my gosh,
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: And I know that that's happening because I talk to
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: these people and I've had my own a bad experiences
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: in therapy.
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: Where that was the case, so I've lived it too.
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: We have to eventually get to values based behavior change
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: and the skills around that.
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: Which go deeper into that, because I know that that's
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: a big part of your program, you know, which is
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: essentially capacity building.
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: Yes, capacity building and skill acquisition. Capacity building is metacognition.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: That is the that is my number. That's the first
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: capacity building tool. I teach how to monitor and challenge
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: your mind. Yeah, capture your thoughts, Capture your thoughts, challenge them,
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: challenge them, ask if they're true? Is this true? Is
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: this productive? In my case, I ask myself, who's telling
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: me this? Not today, Satan? Take your fear, take your bitterness,
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: take your self rejection, take yourself loathing, take your I
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: can't mentality back to the dry place where you came from.
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: Not doing it today. God gave me power, love and
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: a sound mind. That's how I reshape my thoughts. I
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: hold my thoughts up to God's standards. But if you
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: don't have that, you can hold them up to your values,
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: the truth and the productivity of those thoughts. Nervous system regulation,
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: true emotional processing. Complaining is a thought loop. You are
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: thinking instead of feeling, and thinking instead of feeling is
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: one of the things that is the downfall of most
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: people's inability to heal. Like the reason they can't heal
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: is because they are stuck in their head and they
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: are not in their body. Being present in your body
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: and learning to move through pain makes you resilient. It
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: does take what if to even if, like we said
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: last episode, and on a values based behavior change and
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: being able to have metacognition, learning to be present in
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: your body, learning to be well resourced in your nervous system.
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: That is more aligned with sort of modern day coaching,
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: because coaching is about skill acquisition. It's about we already
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: know the patterns. Attachment theory actually predicts your patterns very well.
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: So I don't need to talk for you to talk
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: about your whole life, right, I don't need to know that.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, she's literally like psychic. She can, like you can
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: predict people's patterns without by just the most minimal things
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: that they tell you. I've seen it. I've seen it
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: in real time, guys, I've seen it happen without any story, no,
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: without any fight, nothing. They don't have to tell you anything.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: I don't care what you thought about. Yeah, I could
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: could not care less what you and your husband thought about.
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: I care about how you fought?
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: Did How did the fight go? Was their true repair?
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: Was their solutions? Was there active solutions? Where did coregulation happen?
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: How regulated? Were both of you were able to address
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: impac act? Where you're able to apologize? Where you're you know?
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: Or did you get defensive? Did you criticize each other?
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: Did you shut down? Did somebody get overreactive? Those are
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: the things that matter. It doesn't matter what it was.
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: Most people can work through problems if they if they
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: have good conflict resolution skills. And that's what we mean
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: by skill acquisition. We have to have skills, not just awareness.
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: And therapy can just be one giant complaint session where
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: somebody says, oh, of course I know, and yes, we
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: just said that searching can be a valuable tool, but
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: it can't be prolonged. That was like the One of
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: the key findings of doctor Segerstrump's research is that searching
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: when there's negative valance is positive for a while and
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: then it becomes detrimental.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: And that's I think this is a it's a good
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: baseline for people maybe who do have a therapist that
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: they're committed to, you know, to really start paying attention
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: to how your therapist is show.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, are they just asking questions and validating you? Yeah,
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: you are getting zipo benefit.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And so if you have been in therapy for
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: a long time and you're committed, like I understand being
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: committed to sure, you know I loved my therapist.
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I loved my therapist and I do think she
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: gave me some good insight, but she didn't give me skills.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I had to.
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: Find those on my own.
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: And that was sad because I was in the most
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: traumatized place of my life when I had to find
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: those skills.
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: But I'm glad I did. Yeah, I'm glad I did
• 36:32
  Speaker 3: because it changed my life.
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: Well, I do want to kind of wrap up this
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: episode similar to how we wrapped up next week's or
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: last week's brother Sorry, in these little like witty and
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: relatable statements that you came up with. I was reading
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: some of them on the way here is First off,
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: is there anything else you want to add about the science.
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: I don't think so.
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: I think we just have enough science now to know
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: that the brain is wires through repetition, and if you're
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: a chronic complainer, you're wiring your brain to be attentive,
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: to threat, to be stressed, and to make other people
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: a little bit miserable around you. And so my goal
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: is to be the happiest person in the room. That
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: is my goal, because life is short, and I want
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: to be present and I want to feel embodied safety,
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: and I want to just lock in on how my
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: kids faces look right now and just love being with them,
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: and love being with my husband. And notice that my
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: dog's soft fur and how warm she feels when I
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: pick her up. I have a little, tiny dog, and
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: I also have a giant dog that I love too.
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: But that's presence. That's joy. That is the presence is
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: the state of joy.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: And it's gratitude. And I'm a firm believer that the
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: more you stay in gratitude, the more blessed you become. Yeah,
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: the law of attraction.
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: I just I'm tired of even the echoes of that
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: old me coming through the echoes of if I don't.
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: Have a problem not okay.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that was.
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: A way I learned to access safety with my in
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: my attachment caregiving. But it doesn't work for me anymore.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: And I've shed a lot of it. But it creeps up, sure,
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: and I'm determined to shed all of it. It doesn't
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: mean I won't talk about what's hard, but I will.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: Instead of talking over and over about it, I'm going
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: to feel it in my body and process it so
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: I can actually release it.
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: And move on from it.
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's the golden nugget right there, mat there.
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: So these are really cute. I was reading some of
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: them on the way here, and.
• 38:32
  Speaker 3: Some of them are cheesy. I was like, I don't know,
• 38:34
  Speaker 3: like them.
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: I think there's just a few. I'll just do a few.
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: They were meant to actually be integrated into the episode.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I kind of like I'd like ending with
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: them because they're you know, light and you.
• 38:45
  Speaker 3: Know, just give us your top three.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: Oh gosh, there were a few. Oh I liked this one.
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: Complaints age like milk, gratitude, ages like wine choose.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: Accordingly, yeahs, I hate milk anyway, so that's why milk
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: ew gross, I hate milk only in cereal.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah. In romance, complaining turns your partner from a lover
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: into a customer service representative. I don't know if that
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: one was one of my favorites, but nothing kills attraction
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: faster than turning quality time into quarterly grievance grievance review.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: That's a good one.
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: Now, you will never criticize or complain your way into
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: a healthy relationship.
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: Just FYI, Josh gave me this one on the way here,
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: which is actually a Teddy Roosevelt quote. Complaining about a
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: problem without posing a solution is called whining. Yep, that's
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: a famous Teddy result. We will end there because that
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: is a perfect one. So guys, obviously, complaining can.
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: It hurts you?
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: It hurts you.
• 39:42
  Speaker 3: If we haven't convinced you, I don't know what.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah, and obviously you know we're all works in
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: progress here. Sure, And if you are looking for solutions
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: on how to maybe stop complaining in this new year
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: of trying to level of your life, yeah, be more positive,
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: be more optimistic, find more gratitude. Obviously, continue to listen
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: to this podcast because this is a free resource that
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: we offer. I think tons of science backed science and
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: knowledge for you guys to learn from. But obviously, if
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: you're looking to go deeper, you can always check out
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: doctor Hensley's services at the lovedoc dot com. Of course,
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: her hybrid group program as her most popular service that
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: includes her course and the for group calls that you
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: have access to for life.
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: And that's the only way you can access me now
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: is in the group. I'm sorry, guys, I couldn't do it.
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: I don't have the bandwidth to. I have these other
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: things that are geared towards giving people more of me
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: for free, which is what God has called me to do. Yeah,
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: so if you want to pick my brain, you're just
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: going to have to join the group.
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: That's right, So continue to tune in, guys, Please write
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: us reach out to the podcast at the loovedoc dot
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: com if you're looking to connect with this. We absolutely
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: read every single email, and now that we have a
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: podcast manager, we're absolutely going to respond to every single one.
• 41:00
  Speaker 3: Just because we read them doesn't mean yeah we're able.
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: To please respond, but I usually always do. I was
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: always reading them.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: And yeah, we are vetting sponsors for this podcast. We
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: are vetting people for live reads. We are extremely and guests,
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: we are extremely picky about the products that we will
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: endorse on this podcast because if we haven't used it
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: and loved it, we're not going to promote it because
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: that would be going against my authenticity promise to myself.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: And we want to be picky, you know, about guests too,
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: because we want to bring value to you.
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: Guys.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: Our mission here is to bring value and knowledge so
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: that you can gain so much from what mostly doctor
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: Hensley has to offer.
• 41:40
  Speaker 3: So, oh, come on, you're a great co host.
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: Well maybe when we do the Unhinged podcast, y'all really
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: get to know me on a d.
• 41:47
  Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, she's so great.
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: Guys. Oh thanks, thanks friend, thank you.
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: I'm funny, are freaking funny?
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, But anyway, please guys continue to tune in, like comment,
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: leave us a review. We love you guys so much
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: and we just can't wait to see where this podcast
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: takes us. And until next time, peace, love, and perspective.