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why are you so hard on yourself? · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

• 0:00
  Why are you so hard on yourself? Why is it that when you mess up,
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  it's the end of the world, but when someone else messes up,
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  you'll make as many excuses for them as you possibly can?
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  Why are you so hard on yourself? Why do you hold yourself to a
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  standard that you would never expect any other human to
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  achieve? If you've ever felt like your
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  own worst enemy, if you find yourself putting yourself down,
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  being so hard on yourself for every little thing, then this
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  episode is for you. My name is Ethan Jewell and
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  welcome back to Feel Your Feelings.
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  Most people don't realize just how harsh their inner critic is.
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  I I know I didn't for years. And I thought that that was just
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  how I was supposed to talk to myself.
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  I thought that's how everybody talked to themselves.
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  But the truth is, you are way harder on yourself than you
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  should be. You should be your own best
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  friend, not your own biggest critic in this inner voice.
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  It's not loud, it's not dramatic, it's not easy to spot.
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  It doesn't have these big moments where it's breaking you
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  down. No, it's slow and it's quiet and
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  it lays under the surface. It sounds like I should be
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  further along by now. Why can't I just get it
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  together? Other people handle this better
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  than I do. And over time, that voice, it
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  doesn't motivate you, although that's how it tries to disguise
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  itself as motivation. But it doesn't motivate you.
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  It tears you down, and I know it does.
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  I know you're exhausted. I know that every day you wake
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  up and you start beating yourself up and it is an
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  exhausting cycle. You're exhausted trying to be
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  enough for an impossible critic. The thing most people don't talk
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  about is why it happens. It's easy to throw out a lot of
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  blame. Maybe you were just born that
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  way. But the truth is many of us
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  learned this overtime. A lot of us grew up believing
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  that being hard on yourself is being responsible.
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  You know self criticism is improvement and rest is lazy.
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  Struggling with your mental health is failure.
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  And all of these standards mean when you're kind to yourself,
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  it's wrong. When you rest, it's not
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  productive. Being hard on yourself doesn't
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  make you better, it just makes everything heavier.
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  One of the biggest reasons that we're so hard on ourselves is
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  because of the trap of comparison.
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  You see everyone else's highlight reel and then you
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  compare it to your behind the scenes.
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  This is massively amplified by social media.
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  You see everybody doing so good online.
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  You see everybody living their best life, going on vacations,
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  being social, being outgoing. And then you compare that
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  against your own personal struggle, which is your mental
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  health being exhausted, which is you being depressed and not
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  being able to get out of bed, you being so anxious that you
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  can't leave the house. When you compare those two
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  things, you feel like a failure. Trust me, I've been there.
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  I spent years thinking that I wasn't enough because I was
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  comparing myself to everybody else.
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  But you don't see their doubts, you don't see their bad days.
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  You don't see their struggles with their mental health in
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  private. You're comparing your internal
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  pain to somebody else's external image.
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  Of course you feel like you're falling short.
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  This self critic has been learned over time and it tells
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  you that you're not doing enough, that your rest is
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  optional, that your mental illness must be something wrong
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  with you. And then it takes other people's
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  standards, what they're doing online or in person.
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  It takes their external image and it compares it to your own
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  internal struggle. And that is an impossible battle
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  to win. Having that small little voice
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  in your head always nagging at you, always telling you that
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  you're not enough is exhausting. And here's the problem with that
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  voice. No one has ever hated themselves
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  into becoming healthy. No one has ever shamed
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  themselves into peace. No one has ever bullied
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  themselves into healing. Being hard on yourself, it
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  doesn't create growth, it creates fear.
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  Fear of messing up, fear of trying, fear of simply doing
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  your best. Fear of trying to heal.
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  Because this little voice in your head keeps telling you that
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  you're not enough, but you are enough.
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  You've always been enough. From the moment you were born to
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  this very day, you are enough. You have nothing to prove.
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  You don't have to prove that voice wrong, You just have to
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  quiet it a little bit because you deserve to heal.
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  When you live in that fear, that fear of trying, that fear of
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  failing, you don't move forward. You freeze.
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  You know, the classic fear response with humans is fight or
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  flight. And we always think of that in a
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  very physical sense. You know, if you see a bear in
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  the woods, you're going to either fight or you're going to
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  run. If you feel in danger
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  physically, those are the two options.
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  But this also happens mentally when we are scared of progress,
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  when we're scared of trying, we can either fight it or we can
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  freeze. And that fear often moves us to
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  freeze, to run away from it, to not even try.
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  It is an already hard world to have people judging you, to have
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  so many eyes looking in, but it's even harder when the one
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  within you is also against you. You don't deserve to be
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  suffering like this. You don't deserve to be
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  struggling with your own internal feelings.
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  You don't deserve to be convincing yourself that
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  something's wrong with you. Having complicated feelings,
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  struggling with your mental health does not mean that there
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  is something wrong. It means that you're human.
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  I will preach this from now until the day that I die.
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  Your feelings are not something to be afraid of.
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  Your heaviest, strongest feelings are there for a reason.
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  They're trying to tell you something and you have to listen
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  to them. And you can't let a little inner
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  critic keep you away from that. You can't let that critic tell
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  you that something is wrong with you, that you need to isolate
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  yourself, that you need to just give up, that you can't heal
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  because you can. And trust me, I'm proof of this.
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  I dealt with this voice and I still deal with it to this very
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  day. During the height of COVID, I
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  was at possibly my worst mental health that I had ever had.
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  I was so incredibly depressed and the rise of social media
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  made that so much worse. I had been posting on social
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  media, viewing social media for years at this point.
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  And I would go online, I would see other creators, I would see
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  my friends all doing well, taking time to go outside, to
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  breathe, to heal. And I was so depressed that I
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  would just stay in my bed all day, that I could hardly leave
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  my home. And instead of having patience
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  with myself, instead of doing what I should have been taken
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  the time for myself and to heal, I just beat up on myself.
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  All day, every day I would lay in bed watching these highlight
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  reels going, what is so wrong with me?
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  Why can't I be like them? Why can't I be healed?
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  Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be healthy?
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  What is wrong with me? And that kept me in the cycle of
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  self pity and self hate for years.
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  And it will keep you there too. Growth doesn't come from hate.
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  Growth doesn't come from shame. It comes from accepting the way
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  that you feel and moving forward with it, taking action.
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  The only way I finally healed is when I accepted my feelings how
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  they were, when I stopped pressuring myself to get rid of
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  them and instead learned from them.
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  On the days where I felt extremely depressed, I would sit
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  with that feeling and I would take one tiny, tiny step, one
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  ridiculously small step towards healing because that's all you
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  can do yourself. Critic will not help you with
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  that. You have to quiet that voice.
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  You have to talk back to it. So how do we do that?
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  And one of the first things you can do is have a shift in
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  perspective. You can ask yourself, if your
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  best friend came to you and said, I'm struggling, I feel
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  behind, I don't feel like I'm doing enough, Would you say?
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  Yeah, you're right. You should be better by now.
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  Of course you wouldn't, because you're a good friend.
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  You'd say you're doing the best you can.
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  You've been through a lot. You're allowed to struggle.
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  So why do you feel less deserving of that compassion
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  than others? You are not an exception to
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  kindness from yourself. You are not the exception to the
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  rule. You are allowed to be kind to
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  others and kind to yourself. You know deep down that you are
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  a kind person. You know deep down that you want
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  to heal. And there's layers of trauma and
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  pain stacked up on that. And your inner critic is trying
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  to convince you that that is not the case.
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  But you are deserving of kindness.
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  You are deserving of compassion, you are deserving of love.
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  You are deserving of healing. So start thinking of yourself
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  like your own best friend. When you find yourself having
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  those moments of criticism, when you find yourself talking down
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  from the inside, ask yourself, would I talk to a friend this
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  way? More often than not, the answer
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  is no. So in those moments where you're
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  going, something's wrong with me, I need to be better, you can
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  pause and you can ask the question, would I tell my friend
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  that something is wrong with them and they need to be better?
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  You wouldn't. And then you can reframe that
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  situation in the moment. You can say, you know what,
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  there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just having some complicated
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  feelings right now and I just need to feel them.
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  I need to take some time and space for myself.
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  It sounds like it wouldn't work, but sometimes those moments of
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  just reframing work wonders. I want to remind you, I'm not a
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  doctor, I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a professional in the
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  mental health industry. But I have felt these feelings
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  and I know what it's like to be alone with them.
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  One frustrating thing that I always heard people say was to
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  just think positively, to have positive thoughts about myself.
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  But when you're depressed, when you're dealing with mental
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  health issues, that's impossible.
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  It's impossible to just think positive.
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  There is literally something within your brain chemicals that
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  is making it harder for you to think positively.
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  So that advice is really difficult to hear.
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  So when you catch yourself being harsh on yourself, don't try to
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  think positive. Just ask, would I say this to
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  someone I love? If the answer is no, rephrase
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  it. Instead of I'm failing, try I'm
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  struggling and that's human. Instead of I should be better by
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  now, try, I'm still learning. You don't need to be overly
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  optimistic, you just need to be fair.
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  You need to give yourself a chance.
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  Every day that you choose to try to heal, every day that you
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  choose to be compassionate and kind to yourself, you give
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  yourself one more chance. For me, I almost gave up on
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  those chances. I almost stopped giving myself
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  chances. I almost gave up.
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  But luckily I decided to stay for just a few more days, a few
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  more weeks, a few more months at a time.
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  And sometimes that's what you have to do.
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  And you have to shut down that inner critic that is telling you
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  that you don't deserve to heal. That you don't deserve to stay.
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  Because you do. You are already carrying enough.
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  Life is heavy. Healing is hard.
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  Existing takes effort. You don't need your own voice
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  making it worse. You don't need to be perfect to
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  be worthy. Let me say that again.
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  You don't need to be perfect to heal and to be loved.
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  And you don't need to be perfectly healed to be allowed
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  compassion. And you certainly don't need to
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  hate yourself to become better. So try being on your own team,
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  even for a little. That alone can change more than
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  you think. By showing yourself that you are
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  stronger than that inner critic, by showing up for yourself
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  everyday, by being compassionate to yourself, you are literally
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  telling your brain, you are telling your heart, you are
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  telling your body that you are deserving of love and deserving
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  of healing. And that alone, that perspective
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  switch, that switch in feelings is so powerful.
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  That switch from I'm not good enough to maybe I can get
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  better, I'm just struggling right now is such a powerful
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  shift and it is one that is crucial for your healing
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  journey. You deserve to heal, you deserve
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  to be loved, and you deserve to be just a little bit kinder to
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  yourself. That's going to wrap it up for
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  today's episode. Thank you so much for being
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  here. If you need help feeling your
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  feelings, you should check out my music on all platforms under
• 12:23
  the name of Ethan Jewell. I almost guarantee it'll make
• 12:25
  you cry. Also, if you enjoy this podcast,
• 12:27
  one of the best ways you can support me is by getting some
• 12:30
  merch. I'll link it in the description
• 12:31
  or you can find it at ethanjewell.myshopify.com.
• 12:35
  So thank you so much for being here.
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  Thank you for understanding that you are just a little bit too
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  hard on yourself. And as always, thank you for
• 12:43
  feeling your feelings. I'll see you next time.