Latest / You Minding Your Own Business / Episode 84- My Conversation with Jobert E. Abueva about The Janus Plan: Beating the Procrastination Trap.

Transcript

Episode 84- My Conversation with Jobert E. Abueva about The Janus Plan: Beating the Procrastination Trap. · You Minding Your Own Business

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome mr jorbert a little bit about you and the
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: reason i wanted to do this conversation because when miss
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: trish sent me your actual email about you when the
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: first thing that got me was procrastination and she sent
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: me all of this about beating the procrastination traps the
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: mindful cleansing and global rituals. And then the Janice, Janice,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I think I'm saying it wrong or right.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Janice plan. Yeah.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: And that plan, I was like fascinated and I wanted
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: to hear more because a little about my story is
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: my dad always told when I used to tell him
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I wanted to do certain things, he would say, well,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: your grades are not good enough. And I don't think
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: you should do that. And I remember when he found
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: that I was a coach, he's like, you're not a coach.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I don't believe you're a coach. I said, dad, I
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: have my certification in coaching. And when I pulled out
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: my certification, I remember my father didn't say anything. He
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: didn't apologize for it, but he didn't say anything. And
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: I said, you know what hurts me? You always told
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: me everything that was negative. And I said, now I
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: feel like if I do something and I start something
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: and I'm saying, what if somebody doesn't like it? What if,
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: you know, this doesn't work out? What am I going
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: to do? And then we don't do it. And then
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: we'll stick it to the side and we'll say, oh,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: we'll go back to it. And then we don't. Because
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: of the fact that parents tell their children, oh, I
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: don't think you're going to be good at that. I
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: think you should do this. So when I found out
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: my son had autism and he had autism, my whole
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: world shattered because I was like, oh my God, my
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: child got autism. I said, what is autism? At the time,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: we didn't even know what autism was. And this was
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: like 1996 when autism first became a thing. And I
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: was like, I don't even know what autism is. And
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: that whole world shattered. But then I said, either I'm
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: going to let this define. Then I had to think
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: back to me as a kid. And I said, I'm
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: either going to let this define him or never tell
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: him that he has it and try to figure this
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: out what this is and try to treat him as
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: a normal person and not let it define him. And
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: I found that that worked because I say to him,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: you can talk. And he'll look at me and I'm like, baby,
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: you can talk. I know you can talk. And there
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: was this disconnect in communication for years. And finally, he said, hi, mommy.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I looked at him, started crying. And he said, mommy,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: want juice? I started crying. Everybody was like, why are
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: you crying? I said, because y'all said my child would
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: never speak. And it was a battle, but I wanted
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: to do this conversation because People always put procrastination into laziness.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: And I wanted to dive into this in so many
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: different ways to show that it's not just laziness. Some
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: people are just scared. Some people just don't feel they're
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: good enough. And they don't realize how low self-esteem, low
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: self-worth plays a huge part in our procrastination and how
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: broken our self-esteem is. So I want to thank you
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: so much. for taking the time to do this with me.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: So first of all, tell me a little bit about you.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Tell me how you got to this. And now you're
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: helping so many people with this book that you're doing
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: called the John is program plan. I'm sorry. No resolution
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: path to begin for years with intention. That's right. Yeah.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: So I grew up, in the Philippines, but not only
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: in the Philippines. I lived in several countries throughout my boyhood. Nepal, Thailand, Japan.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: And that's because my father was what I call a
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: roving academic. He worked in different universities in different countries.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: So we as a family were always on the go.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: It was nonstop. And In retrospect, I would describe this
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: as a nomadic childhood and in a way was a
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: little chaotic and disconcerting because every time you had to leave,
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: you weren't just leaving your school, you were leaving your friends,
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: you were leaving a home, and then you had to
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: be uprooted into a new country, a new culture, a
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: new language, a new way of doing things. So all
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: those disruptions were kind of tough. And in the moment,
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: I resented my parents for all the moving around. But
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: down the road, I've come to really appreciate this experience,
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: these sets of experiences, because each chapter was an opportunity
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: to learn new things, to understand different people. to know
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: how to adapt, how to assimilate, and how to, in
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: a way, live in peace with people who are very
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: different from you. So that is a big plus of
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: my experience. And as I became an adult, I was
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: very ambitious. I wanted to climb the career ladder. And
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: I had this fabulous job. I launched Clara herbal essences, shampoos,
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: and conditioners around the world. That's a very popular shampoo brand, right?
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: So I was based in Europe. I was based in Asia.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: I was working nonstop. And from the outside, it looked
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: like I was really this successful business person. But the
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: reality was I was driving myself to the ground overworking.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: not taking care of myself, not enough sleep, no proper diet.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: It was bad to the point where I actually had
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: a nervous breakdown one morning in a Hong Kong hotel room.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: I will never forget that day. And I share this
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: because in some way, it's unfortunate that I ignored all
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: the signals of my burnout and I ended up in
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: a very dark place because I did not want to
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: disappoint my parents, my colleagues. I was supposed to be successful,
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: but I was breaking down inside. So that low point
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: really became the turning point and the beginning of a
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: wonderful transformation over many years where I've come to understand
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: how important it is to take care of ourselves, to
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: have self-love first and foremost, before we are able to
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: serve and love anyone else around us. And that lesson
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: has stayed with me throughout these years. And what I
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: did was write down the practice that I developed, where
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: I did a lot of reflection before I decided where
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: I wanna go in life, I used every New Year's
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: occasion to appreciate all the good, the bad, the ugly
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: things that happened in the past year to help me
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: appreciate my life until then. And then to carefully think
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: about what directions I want to go, what goals do
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: I want to go after that lift me up, but
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: also lift others up around me. So it was trying
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: to get out of myself. in a very ambitious career
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: to be more mission and service oriented in my work,
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: in my community, with my family and friends. And so
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: it's just sharing with you how I had this nomadic childhood,
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: which led to a successful marketing career. I broke down,
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: I burnt out, but I learned a lot from it.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: And now I've been able to live more sustainably because
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: I have developed this practice, which I call the Janus Plan,
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: which is six steps to help us live with intention
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: from year to year. So that is it in a nutshell,
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: which brings me to where I am today here with you.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: I love that. And the resolutions. It's like one of
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: those things where you know, I see so many people,
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: they say, well, I made these New Year's resolutions. And
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: in the beginning, like I'll use mine. Last year, I
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: said I was going to, you know, get back my
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: podcast because I was having throat issues for a number
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: of years. I still am having throat issues, but it's
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: better than what it was. And I said I was
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: going to build my coaching business, my travel agent business.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: And then I went on vacation. I lost my job
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: January 9th. And then I said I was never going
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: to work for nobody no more. And then my father
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: passed away February 12th of this year. And it really
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: threw a monkey wrench. those resolutions because of the fact
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: of him passing away. And then I had to uproot
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: my life, come back to North Carolina from Florida. I
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: had to adapt to that change. And then I had
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: to adapt to the fact of helping my mother with
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: all of the things, with my dad's insurance and the house.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: And we found out there was no will and testament.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: We just realized there may be one. But changing everything over.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: And my father didn't put anything as far as who
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: takes over what has been a battle. But thank God
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: for me and my sister that we've never been that
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: tight where it was about going to court. It was
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: really about us having our father back. We don't care
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: nothing about the money. We don't care about the properties.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: But it was definitely a monkey wrench. And I think
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: for a lot of people, like I said earlier, we'll
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: start something. And then this situation happens to where it
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: alters everything. And then we never go back to it.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: It's like when I was a kid, it says, when
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: I grow up, I want to be a lawyer. I
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: want to be a doctor. And you say that. And
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: then you go back to your old self. And I
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: tell people, when you go back to that first original
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: time in your life, I ask you as a child,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Why didn't you, when I said when I grew up
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: I wanted to be a lawyer, why didn't we become
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: a lawyer? What happened? And I tell people, when you
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: go back and talk to that part of yourself where
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: you had all these dreams and goals and you didn't,
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: because it hit me. And I said to myself, why
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: didn't I? why didn't I do it? Why didn't I
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: become the lawyer? Why did I get pregnant at 21?
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: And I had to really start asking those questions. And
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: then it went back to the primary source. And I used,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: because when I started working in the medical field, I
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: used this example. You get a cut on your arm.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: You don't do nothing about it. You just put a
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: bandaid on it. Act like it didn't happen. Then the
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: next thing you know, the infection gets so big to
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: the point it spreads and then it can't be cured.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: And so now when it comes to getting back to that,
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: I'm going to do it. It's now, I had to
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: get rid of the fear. I think that's the main
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: thing is fear. And the fact that there are so
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: many people that when they were, they were kids, They
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: were fearless. You know, all these kids that did the
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: bungee jumping, jumping off the trees, jumping off things. And
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: then all of a sudden your parents said, well, don't jump.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: If you jump, you're going to fall. You just psyched
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: me out. And now I don't want to do it now.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: My son got on a roller coaster and he got
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: off of it. Never threw up before. Threw up and
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: then said, mommy, I don't want to do it no more.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: I said, why? Mommy, I threw up. I said, baby,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: I understand that. I said, but you got to get
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: on them and you got to get back on that horse.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: But I had to make him understand that I know
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: that happened. But sweetheart, if you don't get back on
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: there and try again, now mind you, I've always been
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: scared of roller coasters. That ain't going to change for me. But,
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: you know, I never wanted him to give up that
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: being fearless. Why is it that we as parents We
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: psych our children out of that non-fearlessness to not be afraid,
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: regardless of what happens. Now, I understand there's, you know,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: consequences repercussions of karma. There is that. But why is
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: it when it comes to being successful or when it
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: comes to like approaching people and those things, why do
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: we second guess ourselves? Why do we psych ourselves out
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: into that fear of rejection, that fear of not being
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: accepted or chosen to the point we don't do it
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: at all.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's tough to be human, isn't it?
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: It is, it is.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: So you covered a lot of points which are so
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: critical here. We are a function as we grow up.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: We are a result of our families, of our communities
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: and neighborhoods. And we don't live in a vacuum. Everything
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: about us is reflection of everyone around us. Yes, we
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: have will to decide what is best for ourselves. But
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: as a child, you're independent. So you have to, as
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: you grow older, I think we have to reflect even
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: more so and really push ourselves to understand if not
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: confront any difficulties of our childhood. In fact, I can
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: jokingly say, but I'm being serious when I say that's
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: why we have therapists in a way, right? Or we
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: have resources to help us walk through the past to
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: confront the truths and to be able to put them
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: in perspective so that we can continue with our own
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: lives and with our own willpower, if you will, our
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: own choices. And so that's why I emphasize the importance
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: of reflection. And even regular reflection is important. There's research
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: that even says that performance really improves by as much
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: as 23% just by having structured reflection on a regular basis.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: The point is we have to confront our past. And
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: that is step one of the Janus plan is to
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: ponder the past because each year so much happens. And
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: everything that happened in the past year is also tied
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: to everything else that has happened before that. And so
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: no matter how difficult, how strange, how painful one's past
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: has been, This is the opportunity. Now is the opportunity.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: The threshold is now for us to make peace with
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: the past by understanding it, even appreciating it, before we
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: can then say, this is where I am today. And
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: here's what's important to me based on my understanding of
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: the past and who I am today. And here are
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: directions I'm interested in pursuing. And I think we need
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: to take our time and not jump to resolutions like
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: you started out with, right? It's like, I want to
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: do this.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: I want to do that.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: No, take the step back to reflect and understand what's
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: really important to you. Very quickly, I'll give you three questions.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: Very easy exercise that anyone can do. And it's really helpful.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: First question is, again, we can do this at the
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: end of the year, but it can really be at
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: the beginning of any chapter. First question, what are the
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: good things that happened in the past? And I would
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: list all of those things down because in life, a
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: lot of good is happening, even if it's as basic
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: as we woke up today and we're breathing. Appreciate that
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: and have gratitude for it. The second question is, What
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: can I lay down? What can I stop bringing with me?
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Because it's a burden. And if I can just lighten
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: my load, imagine the bandwidth, the possibilities that are available
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: to you. And then the third question, perhaps the most
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: challenging one, is what did this past year or what
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: did this past chapter in my life really try to
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: teach me? What are the real lessons? If we spend
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: more time just reflecting on these questions and answering them,
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: we will have some really interesting responses for us to say, hmm,
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: maybe I didn't realize this is what really matters to me. Or, oh,
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: here's a blind spot that I need to address first
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: and foremost in order for me to move in the
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: direction that really matters in my life. So I encourage
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: everyone to take time to do this structured reflection exercise
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: because it can make a huge difference.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: I think that's good, too, because one thing I'm going
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: to add to that is purpose. What is the purpose?
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: What is the path? What is the journey that you're
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: going to get on? I tell people that you cannot
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: move forward. And I like to use Humpty Dumpty, for example.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: People don't understand Humpty Dumpty was on a wall. But
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: guess what? That wall was. You either fall back or
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: you fall forward. Now, I ask people, and I used
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: to ask my wife, I used to do daycare, I
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: asked the kids, do you think that he fell back
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: backwards or did he fall forward? And they was like, well,
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know, because in the story it doesn't say.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I said, but that's the whole point. The whole point
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: of it is for not to give you the answers
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: for you to figure it out. So I started teaching,
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: you know, kids critical thinking at two years old. And
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I would say, well, why do you think that he failed? Well,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: maybe he failed because, you know, and each person, each
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: little kid had their own perception of it, but it
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: wasn't wrong because it was actually right on both, both,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: you know, each, each one's point of view. And I
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: said that, okay. well, why do you think he didn't
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: put himself back together again? And they was like, well,
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: maybe they couldn't because they didn't know how. Maybe they
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: didn't have the things to put him back together. And
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: I said, that's a good point. Or is it that
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: maybe it wasn't meant for anyone to put Humpty Dumpty
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: back together? Maybe it was meant for him not to
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: put himself back together at all. That maybe he was
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: supposed to fall to break the thing that was holding
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: him back from the procrastination to make him a new
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: and better version of himself as Humpty Dumpty. And, you know,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: when I started looking back at all the nursery rhymes
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: and when I was doing daycare, I said each one
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: of them has something that I did not think about
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: as a kid because the way that it was told
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: to me. And then also, When it came to the
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: never-ending story, when it came to Mateo, when the scientist
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: says you got three levels that you have to go
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: through to get to the other side. You have to
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: go past where there's these two statues and you have
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: to get through it. And if your heart is not
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: pure and you're not certain and you have any type of...
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: He left out this part, fear. If you didn't have fear,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: you weren't going to make it past. So when they
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: watched this one... night go through he got through to
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: almost to the end and then didn't make it and
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: he didn't understand but I said that was fear so
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: even though you made it past the first part now
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: there's a part of you that starts second guessing and
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: you start challenging yourself and you're saying well okay I
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: got through this or it could be ego you got
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: too cocky and that might have been why And so
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: when he got to the mirror part of it and
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: saw the little boy, a lot of kids didn't understand
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: what that meant. The little boy was the one that
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: was reading the story. It was his interpretation of the story.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: So the reason that Mateo was able to see that
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: little boy, because the little boy was him. The whole
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: entire story that he was going through this, Mateo was
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: that little boy. And that's the reason he saw the
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: little boy. And I said, you know what? It's interesting
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: because even though we're not in movies, we're not in that,
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: you know, where people see our lives. But when we
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: write about our lives and you see these bios, you
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: have people that's following that story. And there are people
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: that are saying, wow, this is me. You have people
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: that read books and people that read, you know, go to,
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: you know, TED Talk or any convention or even a concert,
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: that person is relating to you. So when I think
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: about when you said that, when it comes to that,
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: looking back, looking at your life, journaling is one of
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: the best things you can do because you're journaling your thoughts.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: And I always say as an adult, you should journal more.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: all your life lessons to pass down to your children.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: The things that you taught them, the things you want
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: them to do differently as, you know, parents themselves. But
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I just don't think we do that anymore. We don't.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: My mother's generation, they did that. They gave you lessons
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: that you passed down from generation to generation. And there
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: were times even in the beginning of time where like
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: the Bible, where things were written differently. on how to
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: do certain things. And I just think we somehow we lost,
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: you know, track of that. So when you talk about
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: the mindful cleansing and global rituals, when it comes to
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: the different detoxes and things like that, what would you
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: say when it comes to the mental detox, the importance
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: of detoxing the mind? Cause we always talk about detox
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: to the body, but we never talk about the detoxing
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: of the mind.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: True. So, That is step four of the Janus plan,
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: which I call clean and clear. So as we enter
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: a new chapter, a new year, we want to go
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: into it with our best foot forward. Yes, on one level,
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: you can get a haircut, get a massage, make sure
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: you have a nice mani-pedi, look good, feel good. But
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: it's also about decluttering your environment, your home office, your home. Again,
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: just having the opportunity to lighten your burden. And then
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: to your question, how do we clean and clear ourselves emotionally, spiritually?
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: There are many ways. And one of the ways I
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: like to approach it is to think about what is
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: nagging at me? Procrastination, because we're procrastinators. If you name
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: someone who says they're not a procrastinator, you know they're lying.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: We are all procrastinating about something in our lives because
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: we have such a busy 21st century way of living.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: And there are lots of demands on us. So we
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: prioritize what we think needs to be prioritized, but we
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: sometimes fall short. So the point is to really think
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: about And writing things down, to your point, it's important
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: to journal. It's important to write things down because it's
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: very different when you're typing it on a laptop. But
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: if you write it down, you can face it directly,
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: confront it, and ask yourself, if this is the number
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: one thing that is bothering me because I procrastinated on
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: it for so long, how can I address it today?
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: Even if I took small steps, doubts. Because a very
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: big problem cannot be addressed immediately. So my point is,
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: write it down. And again, reflect on it and think,
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: how can I take a first step to address it today?
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: All you need is to get out of the inertia
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: to just have a little momentum to move forward, because
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: you owe it to yourself. And so that that's what
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: I would say about ensuring that we can declutter, detox,
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: not only our environment and our bodies, but also our minds.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: And I love that because I said in one of
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: my episodes, I said, my body does not trust my mind.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: And I said that because when I was sick and
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: I couldn't walk, and I remember I said, I was crying.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: My mama couldn't understand why I was crying. And I said, mom,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: I just want to walk. I just want to walk,
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: but I can't. And the doctor said they couldn't find anything.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: And they kicked me out the hospital. Eight hours later,
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: I mean, 10 hours later, we went to UNC hospital
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: and they said, no, your blood is not circulating in
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: your body because you have two bulging discs that's causing
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: lack of circulation. I said, I cried. And the lady said,
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: it's going to be okay. We're going to put some
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: to make your blood circulate so you can move. So
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: they had to put a heating pad and something to
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: help with cold and heat combined to make me walk.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: And it took me a little bit to walk normally.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: But I learned something in that moment. I said, now
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: that I'm getting better as far as the health issues
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: I've been going through, my body's like, I don't trust you.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: My body has anxiety and people think anxiety is mental.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: I said, no, it's psychological anxiety. There's emotional anxiety. There's
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: spiritual anxiety. There's physical anxiety. But I tell people when
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: my mind and body finally connected, because when I had
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: that car accident, it hit my nervous system. Your nervous
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: system is the communicator of everything. That's how the mind
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: and body connect. And when I started having problems in
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: the back of my neck, I was like, why is
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: it I can't? My body's like, you don't understand how
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: I feel. So now that I've learned how to connect
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: the two of them through communication, I feel everything. And
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: now I'm like, oh, my God, I didn't even realize
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: my body was in so much pain. And I'm just like,
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh, my God. My mom be like,
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: why are you laying there? I said, Mom, my neck hurts.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: My body's just like, no, my body's like, no, I
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: can't deal with this pain. And I was in a
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: car and I said, we got to get up. We
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: got to get up. We got to drive. And I
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: said this out loud. I said, we got to we
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: got to drive. We got to get here. Nobody's going
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: to take us. We got to go. We're not going
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: to eat. My body's like, but I don't want to.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: My mind's like, you have to. You got to. And,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: you know, the little engine that could. I was like,
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: I drove slowly to give my body time. And my
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: body was starting to feel calm. I said, we got this, okay?
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: I need you to trust me here. I need you
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: to trust me mentally here. I got you. We got there.
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: On the way back, I was fine. But when I
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: first got on that road, I was like, I can't
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: do this. And I was like, I want to turn
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: around so bad. But my body was like, no, no, no, no.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: We got this. And that's why I said with fear,
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: I tell people when you finally have to face the
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: damage that you have done to your body, your mind
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: will never understand that because your mind doesn't understand that.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: feelings the way you might think. And I tell people
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: sometimes psychological, the things you think are mental can actually
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: be psychological. Because think about the word psych. You can
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: psych anything out psychologically. Your psychological is your feelings. Your
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: psychological is your emotions. It is that dopamine that makes
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: you feel good. But the mind will never understand the actual,
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: you know, emotions of it all because your mind has
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: the instinct and they're like, well, something's not right here.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: But your body is the one that reacts to it.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: Your five senses are the ones that react to it,
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: that determine what direction that it's going to go or
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: what direction that it's going to go in that direction.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: So when you said that as far as detoxing the mind,
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: I always say at the same time, Listen to your body.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: Look at your environment. Look at everything. Don't just say, okay,
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: I'm going to make this decision because it feels right
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: at the time. Look at the consequences, the repercussions, and
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: the karma of it. Look at the critical thinking, common sense,
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: and common judgment. The morals, the values, the principles, and
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: ethics of it. Look at it. Who is going to impact?
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: Who is going to affect? Look at the end result.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: I always tell people, look at the end result first.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: Look at the pros and cons of it all. And
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: look at the knowledge, the intellect and the education and
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: then the research, the validation and the verification, because that's
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: the whole point. And I feel like procrastination also comes
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: from elevating, evolving and maturing too, because a lot of
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: people don't want you to do that. They don't want
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: you to grow and evolve and elevate and learn and mature.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: And my question is, how do we as people that
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: they push on this about us being in groups, about
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: being married, about having families, about going to work, how
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: do we function in a world that it is about
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: everybody else, but destroying yourself at the same time? How
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: do we, as these new versions of ourselves who go
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: through all this healing and recovering and therapy and even
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: being drug addicts or lose it all, hit rock bottom,
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: How do we bounce back to where we can be
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: in a room and a job says, I'm letting you go.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: And you're like, okay, you're not panicking. You're not worried.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: You're just like, okay. And they look at you and
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: they say, well, you're taking this many. Well, I said,
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: did I do something wrong? And they're saying, no. Okay.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: Then what do you want me to say? You made
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: a choice because there are millions of people that cannot
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: take no for an answer. There are millions of people
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: that are chasing after things that really they shouldn't be
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: chasing after and jealous and envious of people that they
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: shouldn't be, you know, jealous of. How do we get
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: at a place that we're where not only are we
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: accepting the rejection, accepting the not being chosen, the not
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: being accepted or validated? How do we get to that place?
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: Where we're like, okay, even though this is going wrong,
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: I know I'm going to have to go through this setback,
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: but I'm going to be okay with it. And I'm
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: just going to figure out how to get out of it.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: How do we get out of that, to that place
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: without just feeling like all is lost and everything just
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: completely falls apart.
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: Not easy, right? It's the human, it's the human condition. Again,
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: Our lives are so dynamic. There are a lot of
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: factors out of our control. The best thing we can
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: do is control what we can control because there will
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: be always something out there in the world that is
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: going to impact us, whether positively or negatively. We have
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: to ground ourselves and believe in ourselves. We have to
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: have these conversations with ourselves. You gave the example about,
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: you know, in being in the car with your mother.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: Two good things were happening there. One was you were
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: doing self-talk. You were communicating with yourself. That's great because
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: it's kind of like the feedback loop. It's like you're
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: talking to yourself from one perspective, you're talking from the other.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: Nothing wrong with that. And the second thing you had
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: going for you is that your mother was present. And
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: so you had... a safety net, a support. Even if
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: she may have been annoying at some point, she was there.
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: So what I'm saying is two things. One is, it's
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: important to keep communicating with ourselves. When we feel like
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: things are not going right, take a pause, breathe, and
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: just allow yourself to experience what's hitting you. And then
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: try and think about How do I move forward from here?
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: Just that self-talk. And then get support. There are resources
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: out there that are free. Just a little research can
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: help someone find someone to talk to. If you have family, friends,
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: a coach, a mentor, and even if you don't, there
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: are resources through different institutions, whether it's a church, hospital
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: or wherever, be willing to seek help when you believe
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: that help is needed. So self-love means ongoing communication with
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: yourself and not be afraid to turn for help.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: That's true because the one thing I had to do
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: when it came to my anxiety with driving, I had
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: to say, I had to stop and then I can
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: be by myself. And I have to talk to myself
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: and say, we got to get to the house. Because
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: if we don't get there, we don't get home. And
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: a lot of people say, and I remember my mom said,
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: it's not good to talk to yourself. I said, mom, yes,
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: it is. I said, because when I speak it out loud,
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: I can make the right decisions that I need to make.
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: And an example of that would be when I am...
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: reading something. I read it out loud because when I'm
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: in silence, I'm not, I mean, don't get me wrong,
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: I'm looking at it, but I'm not processing it. And
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: it's just like, I said to somebody, I said, do
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: you really think if you put children in a room
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: that if you put them in there and they have
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: to be silent and they can't read the question out
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: loud for them to process, do you know a They
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: don't have a chance to really speak out loud. And
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: so I don't get mad when I hear people read
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: out loud. I don't get mad when I see somebody
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: at the movies and they're watching the movie and they're
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: talking about it. It doesn't really bother me because I
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: know that people process things in a different way. But
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: this thing of being told you should not talk to
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: yourself and answer yourself, I said, that's a lie because
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: that's the whole point. I answer myself and I talk
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: to myself as well. And I think that that's important
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: to be able to do that. Why do we tell
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: our children that they're not allowed to talk to themselves
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: as far as being able to communicate, as far as
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: trying to process things? Because we have been told that
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: if you talk to yourself, that you're considered crazy. Why
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: do we do that?
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: Well, I don't know about you, but have you been
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: on a street lately? Everyone seems to be talking to themselves.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: That's because they're talking on the phone and paying attention
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: to anyone around them. I am not a parent, but
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: I am an uncle. I have several nieces and nephews
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: that I have known throughout their lives. And I see
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: how friends and family parent folks. What I believe is
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: in his talking to your child, not as a child,
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: but not as an adult either, just as a fellow being. Yes,
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: you are the parent. You have to discipline. You have
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: to instill good values in them. But Have the conversation.
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: The art of conversation within the family is so critical,
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: and we forget to do that. I would love to
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: see families get back to being able to spend time
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: to eat together, not have devices on the table, because
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: we know that technology is a whole other issue that's
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: plaguing our existence today. But find as many opportunities to
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: have conversations with our children and find out how their
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: days are going. I know a lot of parents who
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: do this really well. It's just being available to them,
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: not just when they need you, but when even they
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: don't need you, but you live with them. They are
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: part of your family unit. Engage with them as often
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: as you can, because that way we get a sense
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: of how they are maturing, we may get the first
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: signal of whether something seems off that we just need
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: to note and keep that in mind as we continue
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: to bring them up. And so I think part of it,
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: to answer your initial question, families are busy, parents are busy.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of stress. We don't have enough time
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: to spend with our children, to converse with them. to
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: appreciate them as other beings, and to really show an
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: interest in them. So if we can invest more time
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: and effort in that, I think that we'll go a
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: long way in having folks feel more confident in themselves
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: and to not be afraid to have communication with themselves
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: and to encourage that because you don't want children who
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: are just constantly acting out on impulse. You want them
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: to have, as you mentioned earlier, the critical thinking. And
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: that's why the pause is so important. And I wish
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: more people would just pause, think things through, even have
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: self-talk before we act.
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: I agree because that's the one thing I do now.
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: I don't let nobody rush my decisions because when I
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: made the decision not to work for anybody, that was
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: because of years of working at jobs where I would
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: go to work every day, do everything that I was
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: supposed to and still get fired. Because here's the thing
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: about this that a lot of people don't understand is
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: you can do the right thing and still not be chosen.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: You still can be your true self. And everybody tells you, well,
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: that's not how you're supposed to be. That's not how
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: you're supposed to act. That's not how you're supposed to think.
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: And trying to be an individual in a world where
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: it's about everybody else. And I always use the word
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: people pleasing. And I tell people that people pleasing can
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: destroy you quicker than anything else. You lowering yourself to
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: build somebody else. And I'm going to use marriage, for example.
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: I hear this all the time where I hear a
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: man will say, I don't want you to work. I
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: just want you to stay home. I want you to
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: cook and clean. She does that. She gives up her job.
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: She gives up her safety net. And I tell people,
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: don't ever give up your safety net. They give up everything.
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: And then years later, he says, I'm divorcing you because
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: you're no longer the person that you used to be.
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: Do you know that's a walking contradiction? Because you just
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: told this woman you didn't want her to work. You
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: told her you wanted to be a mother. She has
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: a baby. You talk about a weight. Then on the
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: flip side of that, you have women that are independent,
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: that make money. And a man said, well, you make
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: too much money. I don't like the fact that you
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: make so much money. And I'm like, do you not?
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: understand you're trying to break this person and then turn
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: around and cheat on the same woman who you broke
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: who you told her that you didn't want her to
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: be this person you cheat on her with the same
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: people that you say you don't want her to be
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: it's just like all these people that's trying to make
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: friends and be in these romantic relationships and you're trying
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: to be what everybody else is is wanting you to be,
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: including your family. So you're wearing this, what I like
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: to call Phantom of the Opera mask, because let's use
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: the Phantom of the Opera in that. The Phantom of
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: the Opera, yes, was very talented, had to wear a mask.
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: But when the mask was taken off, he was no
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: longer accepted because of the real version of him. And
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: I tell people, if you went 30 days, And you
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: didn't wear no makeup. You act like you were broke.
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: You strip everything that attracts you to a person. Will
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: they really like you? Will they really want to have
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: a conversation if you have nothing? If you're broke, would
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: this person still want to be around you? But we're
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: taught that it's about attraction. It's about giving. But I
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: always thought it was give and give and not give
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: and take. So when you talk about resilience and you
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: have people that finally say, I do not want to
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: do this anymore. Not because of the fact of that.
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: But they wake up and they say, I'm not happy.
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: I want a divorce. And this person is like, why?
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: Because I feel like I'm losing myself with you. They
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: wake up one day and say, I'm tired of you
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: talking to me. I'm tired of you making me feel
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: less than what I am. And then when you go
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: to your parents and you go ask it for advice,
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: they're telling you, well, just endure it. Why should somebody
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: have to endure pain? Why should someone have to endure
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: something and they're not happy? The other person's happy. The
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: other person is getting everything they want, but it's not reciprocated.
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: And I say that because many people now are getting divorced.
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: Many children now in single parent homes. And that is
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: because partnership is not there. And the communication is not
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: there to where I can come to you and have
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: a conversation with you about my feelings, about what I want.
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: And then on the flip side, you have people that
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: don't understand when you tell them no. And they're like, okay,
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: why are you not chasing me? What do you mean?
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: Why am I not chasing you? You just told me
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: you didn't want me. So why am I chasing you?
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: And what's crazy about it is when you say it,
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: they look at you like, you're not going to chase me?
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: No.
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: You're not going to do this? No. Because when I
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: did it, you didn't appreciate it. And so when we
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: talk about this conversation, and that's why I say, procrastination
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: can be so many different ways. And even in things
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: that we wouldn't expect as something as simple as that,
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: staying in situations longer than what we need, trying to
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: keep chasing after something that isn't meant for us or
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: being jealous or envious of someone else and what they have.
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: And then you look back and you say, well, I
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: could have, should have, would have, but you didn't. If
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: it was meant for you, it would have been given
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: to you. If it was meant for you to have it,
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: then you would have it. But to go after something
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: because somebody else has it, to keep chasing after something
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: or someone because they told you no, because that's what
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: you're taught. Everybody's taught, well, if you want some, just
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: keep chasing until you get it. No, if it's not
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: meant for you to have it, then it's the first
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: time they said no. It should have been that. Why
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: do we do this to ourselves? And how do we
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: change that mentality of thought to say, okay, well, if
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: you don't like me, okay, cool. You don't want to
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: be married to me. Okay, cool. But why do we
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: get to this point where this ego comes in and
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: just says, I can't accept that. I can't accept the
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: fact that you moved on. I can't accept the fact
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: that you walked away. Why are we doing this to ourselves?
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: That's a lot of big questions. So I'll start with
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: today's society. There are so many expectations on us, right?
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: What they call societal norms. You find someone, you get married,
• 48:41
  Speaker 2: you have the kids, you grow up, you stay married forever.
• 48:46
  Speaker 2: But the reality is we are individuals growing and we
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: can grow in different directions and have different perspectives and
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: different stages of life. And I think that's okay. It
• 48:58
  Speaker 2: is not uncommon. We know that the divorce rate is high.
• 49:02
  Speaker 2: And everyone around me, including myself, our first major relationships
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: were long-term, but they did not last. If you are
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: able to have an amicable separation, that's wonderful. It's just
• 49:19
  Speaker 2: unfortunate because maybe both parties or one party is trying
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: to position things so that they don't look like the
• 49:28
  Speaker 2: bad person or they want to rationalize any bad behavior
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: that they have been exhibiting. in the relationship as they
• 49:40
  Speaker 2: get out of it. So I think I would say
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: we have to accept reality that sometimes things fail, but
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: in the failure is the living experience. And my hope
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: is that we see wisdom out of the experience so
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: that we can bring that wisdom with us the next
• 50:02
  Speaker 2: time around. And I will say I am on a third, very,
• 50:08
  Speaker 2: fulfilling relationship. I got married. I never thought that I
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: would get married. And it's wonderful, but it's because I
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: have all the learnings I can reflect on, all the
• 50:23
  Speaker 2: wisdom that has happened with each heartbreak or separation. And
• 50:30
  Speaker 2: that's what we should be thankful for. It's just part
• 50:33
  Speaker 2: of our human condition that we will have these failures
• 50:36
  Speaker 2: and these disappointments But if we can carry the wisdom
• 50:39
  Speaker 2: with us, things will get better. And they can only
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: get better because you act on that wisdom and you
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: remind yourself of it so that you do not get yourself.
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: You improve the chances that you will not get yourself
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: in a similar situation that was painful and difficult. So
• 51:01
  Speaker 2: that's what I'm saying is just really appreciate the wisdom
• 51:04
  Speaker 2: along the way. And the wisdom is there as you
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: get older and are more mature, embrace it. And I
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: think that's how it is best addressed.
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: So as far as the part, okay, I'm also going
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: to do the second part. Now, what about the people
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: that can't take no for an answer or the people
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: that are lowering themselves and they're trying to make everybody
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: else happy, but they're forgetting themselves and then Years later,
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: people pleasers and later on down the line, like with
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: my situation, it took me getting sick to understand that
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: because when nobody was there, when I was in the hospital,
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: no one was there when I was going through it,
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: but I was the one that was always there. Why
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: does it take getting to that point for something dramatic
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: to happen? Or, you know, because, you know, I call
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: them the invisible children. And I think it really goes
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: back to our parents when it comes to why we
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: do that. Because there is one child that is the
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: people child, the people pleasing child, and one child that
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: is the golden child. The child that has to, that
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: doesn't fit society's standards, that has to go through all
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: these hoops and bounds. And the problem is, you know,
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: people come to them and they say, well, maybe if
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: you do this, you'll get a man. And I'm like,
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: I've tried everything and it don't work. And you know,
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: it's not going to work. But yet, you got people
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: telling you, well, maybe just try. And you try, and
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: then it doesn't work out. And then you're like, that's
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: where that procrastination comes in. I don't want to do
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: it anymore. And then people say, well, you've been single
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: for seven years because I don't want to do it.
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: And they're like, why? I said, because I try. Look,
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: I don't fit society's standards. And maybe, just maybe, God
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: want me to wait because... The person that's meant for
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: me may not be in my environment. And everybody don't
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: understand how much environment plays such a part in the
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: lack of procrastination. You go where you want it, not
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: where you're not accepted. I tell people, you can be accepted,
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: but not being chosen. And you can be chosen and
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: not accepted. If I'm not both, then I don't want it.
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: And my friends say to me, well, you've been single
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: all these years. I said, well, I was never in
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: relationships in the first place. These people never wanted me.
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: But because I was taught that I had to chase
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: after people, I had to do all these things. And
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: I say, well, maybe if I do this, this person
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: will like me. Maybe if I take them to dinner,
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: maybe if I spend money, maybe if I have sex
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: with them, then that person is going to be with me.
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: But what I'm not understanding is they're not giving me anything.
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: So why am I doing this? So why do we,
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: why do we as people pleasers, why do we feel
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: like not only do we feel like we want to
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: be builder bears, meaning we want to build people because
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: we see the potential in these people, but they don't
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: see it in themselves, but we build them, but we're
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: building them for someone else. You're trying to turn somebody
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: that's being around multiple people into just being only onto
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: one person. And then you're being a seat filler where
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: you're sitting there waiting while this person is out doing
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: God knows what with God knows who. And you're sitting
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: there waiting and years go by of your life. And
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: then one day, you're talking to a therapist and they're saying,
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: then what made you decide to do it in the
• 54:56
  Speaker 1: first place? Because I love this person and I just
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: want to do right. I think part of the problem
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: is because so many people are trying to be spiritual
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: and they're trying to do what, and I'll go back
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: to the story of Lot, because this is where the
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: story of Lot comes in at. Lot lost everything. He
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: went to the higher power and said, I come to
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: you naked and I say to you that I know nothing.
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: Even as an adult, I know nothing because I lost everything.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: So apparently I'm doing something wrong. Come to me and
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: help me through this situation. And I remember one day
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: I did the same thing. I said, Lord, I'm coming
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: to you naked. I'm coming to you. At this age,
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: I've done everything I'm supposed to as a person that's
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: supposed to be of God. And why is it that
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: I'm getting my heart broken? I do everything right. I
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: treat people right. as a person of God, but I'm
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: constantly being hurt. God said, what did I tell you
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: to do it? Did I send these people to you?
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: Or did you choose these people? Because in what way
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: did I choose these people for you? Because I never
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: said these people were for you. Did I ever say
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: as you was a person of God, are you supposed
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: to be chasing somebody? Or is it that you two
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: were supposed to come together? You're supposed to find each other.
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: When I tell you I broke down and cried because
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: for years, that's how I was raised to be. And
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: I remember the doctor told me, you have post-traumatic slave disorder.
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: I said, what is that? He said, think about it.
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: You've been a people pleaser. You've been a slave for
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: other people. You allow people to hurt you and you
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: think that that is normal. That that is normal for
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: you to be the one to give and not get
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: anything in return. Your self-esteem was broken since your father,
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: when I told him everything. He said, your father broke you.
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: Your father was supposed to be your protector. Your father
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: was the first man in your life. Your mother was
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: the first woman in your life. When they broke you,
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: they pretty much broke you for everybody else. He said,
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: because instead of them accepting you, instead of them appreciating you,
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: they broke your spirit. They broke your self-esteem, self-worth, and
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: self-value when they told you you were not good enough
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: and you were not worthy. He said, when they broke you,
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: you were looking for something that could replace that love
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: that you didn't get from your parents. And when I
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: heard that, I said, oh my God. And that's when
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: I had to have the conversation with my father before
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: he passed away. Because I felt like if I did
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: have the conversation with the original person that hurt me
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: and made him understand it is not about me being right.
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: It's about you and I having a conversation and you
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: accepting me as your daughter for who I am. Love
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: me as I am. I said, I am not trying
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: to go against you. I said, you have raised me
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: and you need to trust the way you have raised me.
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: And if you can't trust the way that you raised
• 58:31
  Speaker 1: me and you can't realize that everything you taught me
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: is here. If you can't trust me as your daughter
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: and how you raised me, then you can't trust me
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: when it comes to my decisions. And my dad looked
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: at me. He said, I never thought about it that way.
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: I said, yeah. I said, I love you and I
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: respect you. And I never in life said you were wrong.
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: But because you kept not having faith in me as
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: your daughter and having faith in my choices because you
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: never believed in me and I had to go somewhere
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: else looking for it. And I always use the word infidelity.
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: And people say, what do you mean? I say infidelity
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: is not sexual. Infidelity is any person when you are
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: looking for something that you're not finding in someone else.
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: you're finding it within other people. But when everybody was gone,
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: I had to find that within myself. So now it's, okay,
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: this person going to add to my life, this person
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: going to subtract to my life. And, you know, I
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: say that because like I said, when I got your email,
• 59:50
  Speaker 1: the reason this hit me so personally is because of
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: the fact of that. So do you think that Getting
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: to the root of that. And I always tell people,
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: when you talk to your parents, understand you're not going
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: to get the apology that you want. You're not going
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 1: to get the nothing but the justifications. And sometimes I
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: tell people, write it and then burn it. And they
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: be like, what do you mean? Everything that you would
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: have said to your parents, write it down and then
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: burn it. And they say, why? Closure. I said, you
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: may not ever get the closure that you want from
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: the individual that you want it from because they're never
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: going to understand your feelings. And then I always get this.
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 1: They say, you're the strong one. You're the one that
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: didn't need anything. You're the person that didn't need love.
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: You didn't need all of that because you never said it. Well,
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 1: when I did say it, you said I was strong
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: and independent. And see, when I hear people say the
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 1: word independent, I tell people all the time, Independence is
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: not something that many people chose to be. They had
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: no choice because they were the child that had to
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: be because they weren't the one that was getting the
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: affection and the love and the nurturing that that other
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 1: child got. Do you think that's also a part of
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: procrastination when it comes to people and their choices, decisions, actions,
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 1: and behavior as far as them second guessing themselves because
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: they feel like They have to base themselves on everybody
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: else or make decisions that basically put everybody first.
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 2: A lot there. So I thank you for sharing your experience.
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 2: I'll start off by saying the power within you to
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 2: speak to your father, your truth before he passed away.
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 2: There has to be some solace in that. And I
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 2: admire you for that. And it comes back then to
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 2: your broad question about how do we respond to all
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 2: the things that are part of our makeup? Again, it
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 2: comes back to our upbringing, our environment, the perspective we
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 2: have been given in the world. Those are factors that
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 2: we can't erase. We can definitely put it in the
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 2: bright light so that we understand it for what it is.
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 2: And then to acknowledge that this is what it is.
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 2: And there are things I can do for myself so
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 2: that I do not let it affect me negatively. So again,
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 2: it's part of that reflection, that conversation with yourself in
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 2: understanding you are in a way, a product of all
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 2: of that experience before you, and just coming to peace,
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 2: finding some solace in it will only help us lighten
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 2: our burden. And in a way, I don't want folks
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 2: to procrastinate anymore in addressing these painful issues that are
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 2: affecting our behavior and our perspective on life because life
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 2: is so wonderful and beautiful. And it is short in
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 2: the scheme of things. Let's find our best lives for ourselves.
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 2: That is what's most important. And that's part of what
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 2: I espouse in the Janus Plan is just finding that
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 2: time to know our truths, to understand the painful places
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 2: we have come from, and to be better persons first
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 2: and foremost for ourselves. And then we can be better
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 2: for others. But Self-love has to be first and foremost, Asha.
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 2: And you yourself, and I so appreciate everything you've shared
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 2: with me because you have shared your vulnerability and everything
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 2: is coming from a place of self-love, understanding your past
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 2: and knowing that there is a brighter future out there,
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 2: but you're going to do it on your own terms, right?
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. And I'm at a place now where respect
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: is the most important thing. And I learned through that
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 1: people pleasing and building that I was building people into
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 1: what my interpretation of them was, but not who they
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 1: truly are. And I learned now that I can assist people.
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 1: I can guide people. I cannot lead you to water
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 1: and I cannot make you drink. My thing is I'm
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: not going to damage myself to build other people up
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: to where I think they should be and then turn
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 1: around and they leave me for someone else. I have
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 1: learned when you say no, I'm going to be okay
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: with it because I have no choice but to be
• 1:05:06
  Speaker 1: okay with it. I learned that if my faith in
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: God is that strong, even if I hit rock bottom,
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: even if I was to lose it all, it means
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: either it wasn't meant for me to have it or
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 1: God stripped it away for a reason. And I always
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 1: now look at rhyme or reason. I'm like, is this
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: the truth or this can be a lie? Because a
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 1: lie can be a truth and a truth can be
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 1: a lie. Now it's not what I think it should be,
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: but what it actually is. And then I'm saying to myself,
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 1: do I want to be involved in this? Do I
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 1: want to do this? Because when I stop looking at
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 1: it from my interpretation and saying, this is what this
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: really is. Okay. This is who this person is. Okay, cool.
• 1:05:58
  Speaker 1: This is the environment I don't need to be in. Okay, cool.
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: Now I can say, okay. So my thing is I
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 1: may not fit society's standards and I'm okay with that.
• 1:06:11
  Speaker 1: But that's the part. That was the funny part. It
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 1: led me to being okay with that. Being okay with no.
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 1: Being okay with you don't want me. Okay, cool. Okay, fine.
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: Because I learned that that's not meant for me. And
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 1: I tell so many people, They do social media. I
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: said the same thing. If people can bring up things
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 1: about your past that happened 20 years ago that you've
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 1: dealt with, the other person dealt with, if those chapters
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 1: are closed, nobody can ever impact and affect you in
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 1: a way to hurt you. And I said, you cannot
• 1:06:48
  Speaker 1: beat negativity. There's no winning with it. I don't care
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: if you react to it. I don't care if you
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: get mad. You're never going to win because that negativity
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 1: will always flip on you to where you're in the wrong.
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 1: And when people said that, it was like, I never
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 1: thought about that. I said, it's the truth. I said,
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 1: if you learn with negative people, they are what they are.
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: And you say to yourself, I'm just not going to
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: deal with it. If somebody says something negative about you,
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: you say, okay, have a good day. And you walk
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: away and they're looking at you like, but that's not
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: the reaction that I wanted. And I have to tell parents,
• 1:07:28
  Speaker 1: I said, if my son got bullied, I'm pulling him
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 1: out of school. I'm not going to tell him. And
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: this is the part I don't like. And this is
• 1:07:35
  Speaker 1: the last question I'm going to ask you. Act like
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: it didn't exist. That part. I hear this all the time.
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 1: Act like it didn't happen. Act like it didn't exist.
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 1: And I myself have been through this where they say,
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 1: suck it up. Act like it didn't exist. Get up
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: and move forward. I'm like, that's not realistic here. No,
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 1: I have to sit in this. I said, sometimes I
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 1: have to sit still because there are days where I'm like, okay,
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: I want to get up. My body's like, I'm not
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 1: ready to. And I have to convince my body of, yes,
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 1: you got to get up. You got to do this.
• 1:08:15
  Speaker 1: You got to. I learned now I can have it
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: in my head all day long. But if I don't
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 1: speak into existence or I don't write it down, then
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 1: it's just not going to happen at all. So how,
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 1: as far as that goes, do we get to this
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 1: place of where we're at that same place where we
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 1: accept things for what they are? We do not change anything,
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 1: but we decide whether we want to interact in it.
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: If somebody says something negative, we're just like, okay, that's
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: your truth, but it isn't my truth. And it's not
• 1:08:53
  Speaker 1: what really is because you had to be there. How
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: do we get to that place of that peace and
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: tranquility of accepting our true selves and saying, instead of
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 1: showing the version of what everybody wants us to be,
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 1: the inversion of our true selves, how do we get
• 1:09:11
  Speaker 1: to that place?
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 2: It comes back to everything we've talked about in this
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 2: past hour. It's self-love. It's self-communication. It's knowing where our
• 1:09:24
  Speaker 2: limitations are, our strengths, our weaknesses, and to be truly grounded,
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 2: to stand confidently in self-love and who we really are.
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 2: That's how we do it. And then to take practices.
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 2: Do small things for yourself every day. I'll leave you
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 2: with one practice that I love to do every morning.
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 2: I have a planner, the day planner. I always write
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 2: first thing in the morning, grateful for, put a colon,
• 1:09:55
  Speaker 2: and I enumerate one, two, three, three things I am
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 2: grateful for. And it should not take more than 30
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 2: seconds a minute. Even if it's as simple as I
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 2: got seven hours to sleep, or I got to spend
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 2: time with a friend yesterday, or I got to finish
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 2: an assignment, just list it down because there is so
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 2: much good every day in our lives. We should not
• 1:10:19
  Speaker 2: Let those pass by us without acknowledgement, without appreciation. By
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 2: taking small acts like this of being grateful, it will
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 2: only feed our souls that much better. And we will
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 2: believe in ourselves more. We will have that positive perspective
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 2: to face each day. The challenges will come, the failures,
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 2: the disappointments will come. But we will be more resilient
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 2: and we will bounce back because we start the day
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 2: grateful for things and loving ourselves. I hope that that
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 2: sort of practice will resonate with you and with your
• 1:11:04
  Speaker 2: listeners and that we can just have more fulfilled lives
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 2: because we believe in ourselves, no matter how stormy the
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 2: weather may be out there.
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 1: I love that. And I think that's why I wanted
• 1:11:19
  Speaker 1: to have this conversation and have this approach because there
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 1: are millions of people out here that are not where
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 1: they want to be. They're not who they truly are.
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 1: And they're wearing that mask like the Phantom of the
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 1: Opera and are so afraid to take off that mask
• 1:11:39
  Speaker 1: to show the real version of this, of who they are.
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 1: because they're afraid the world would never accept them. They'll
• 1:11:46
  Speaker 1: never be chosen. I say, forget the fact that you're
• 1:11:51
  Speaker 1: not chosen. Be okay with it. Because to walk into
• 1:11:56
  Speaker 1: a door, to be able to walk to the beat
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 1: of your own drum, to create, and this is where
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 1: originality comes from. It comes from not being like everybody else.
• 1:12:09
  Speaker 1: Being who you truly are. Because in the end, as
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 1: you walk through this journey, it may not be the
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 1: environment that we're in where we are accepted. It may
• 1:12:19
  Speaker 1: not even be the country. It may not be the
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 1: race or gender or culture or people. But you might
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 1: go to another country and they love you over there.
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: They adore you over there. I say, don't go looking
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: for anything. Let it find you. Let you just walk
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 1: into it. The unexpected. You know, be patient. Wait. You know,
• 1:12:47
  Speaker 1: see where things are going to happen. And that's why
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 1: I said I wanted to approach this so differently because
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 1: the first thing people think is procrastination that I'm just lazy.
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 1: You just don't want to do anything. And that's why
• 1:13:03
  Speaker 1: I want to do part one of this conversation in
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 1: that way. And I really want to do a part
• 1:13:07
  Speaker 1: two because on the flip side of this, There are
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 1: people that are lazy, irresponsible, and using and taking advantage
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 1: of people. And how do we go up dealing with
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 1: those type of people? Because there's two different parts of procrastination.
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 1: I say for everything, there's always two sides of it
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 1: and that middle ground that brings them together. And that's
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 1: why I say when I do these conversations, it's so
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 1: important that I bridge the gap between them both to say, okay,
• 1:13:42
  Speaker 1: there's a negative side of it and the positive side
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 1: of it, but how do you find the middle ground
• 1:13:48
  Speaker 1: to where it don't destroy you in the process? And
• 1:13:52
  Speaker 1: even though, you know, the both sides, you have a
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 1: choice and your choice should not be stripped from you
• 1:13:59
  Speaker 1: because of one thing that God gave us freedom of
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 1: choice and free will. He gave us that. He gave
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 1: us the confidence and the self-esteem. So what, We should
• 1:14:08
  Speaker 1: be able to deal with negative and positive situations and
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 1: not let our self-respect, our self-love, self-care, health and wellness,
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 1: our spirituality, our belief systems be destroyed, but looking at
• 1:14:24
  Speaker 1: them as learning lessons. And I always say now, God
• 1:14:28
  Speaker 1: walks with me from day one and people wait to
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 1: the last minute to say, well, God come in. No,
• 1:14:34
  Speaker 1: God walked with me from day one. Show me. what
• 1:14:37
  Speaker 1: I'm walking into for what it truly is. And I say,
• 1:14:41
  Speaker 1: if I'm going to walk into this, walk with me,
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 1: guide me, assist me, do it. Because I may not
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 1: have anybody, but along the way, God may say, I'm
• 1:14:53
  Speaker 1: going to send this person to you. I'm going to
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 1: send this person to you. But so now I don't
• 1:14:59
  Speaker 1: look at people for attraction. I look at why is
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 1: this person in my life? What are they meant to do?
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 1: What are they meant to be? What are they meant
• 1:15:12
  Speaker 1: to become? So when you talked about this jaundice, John's
• 1:15:17
  Speaker 1: jaundice theory, I love the fact of that because it
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 1: really hit home to me. It really gave me inspiration
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 1: because I do procrastinate, but mine is not because of laziness.
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 1: It's because of fear. And to have this conversation with you,
• 1:15:36
  Speaker 1: to be able to say, I can be able to
• 1:15:39
  Speaker 1: now say, I got this. I have to trust myself
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 1: because that's the most thing. Self-love and self-trust. If I
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 1: don't trust myself and I can't love myself, then I
• 1:15:51
  Speaker 1: can't respect myself. If I can't respect myself, then I
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 1: have no confidence and I don't believe in myself. And
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 1: so having this conversation, it taught me that. And So
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 1: how can people reach you and how can people read
• 1:16:05
  Speaker 1: the book and anything else that you have going on?
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. I so appreciate this conversation, Asha. Thank you
• 1:16:14
  Speaker 2: so much. Folks can learn more about the Janus Plan,
• 1:16:18
  Speaker 2: my book, also about what I offer, my workshops, my newsletter,
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 2: my blog. I even did a TEDx talk. You can
• 1:16:27
  Speaker 2: all find it in my author site, joberteabueva.com. Everything is there.
• 1:16:35
  Speaker 2: I also look forward to hearing from you on how
• 1:16:38
  Speaker 2: you are experiencing the Janice Plan or other aspects of
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 2: your life. Let's live a life with intention. And I
• 1:16:47
  Speaker 2: really wish you the best as you walk forward through
• 1:16:50
  Speaker 2: that door.
• 1:16:50
  Speaker 1: I love that. And thank you so much for doing this.
• 1:16:54
  Speaker 1: And you're going to have to send me the book
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 1: so I can read it because It's definitely going to
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 1: be inspirational to me for the days that I feel
• 1:17:01
  Speaker 1: like I can't. The days where I don't feel like
• 1:17:04
  Speaker 1: I'm enough. The days where everybody tells me where, you know,
• 1:17:07
  Speaker 1: because I'm an overthinker. So to have something I can
• 1:17:11
  Speaker 1: read and say, okay, I can do this. I got that.
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 1: And I thank you so much for doing this.
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 1: Everybody in my audience, I hope this gives you inspiration.
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 1: So hopefully we will be able to do part two
• 1:17:25
  Speaker 1: very soon. so we can get into the other aspects
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 1: because I really want to teach people about those procrastinators
• 1:17:35
  Speaker 1: for people that are building something that's not going to
• 1:17:38
  Speaker 1: suck the life out of them like a vampire and
• 1:17:42
  Speaker 1: keeping that safety net and helping people without losing yourself
• 1:17:47
  Speaker 1: because that's what we seem to be going through. And
• 1:17:49
  Speaker 1: I really want to do part two of that part
• 1:17:53
  Speaker 1: of it. If you're interested, I would love to have
• 1:17:55
  Speaker 1: you And if we do this, I'll make sure that
• 1:17:59
  Speaker 1: everybody gets to hear it. And I look forward to
• 1:18:02
  Speaker 1: you guys learning something. I hope this episode gives you inspiration.
• 1:18:06
  Speaker 1: I hope for those of you that are procrastinating, for
• 1:18:09
  Speaker 1: those of you that are dealing with fear, I hope
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: this helps you to understand you can do anything. Don't
• 1:18:15
  Speaker 1: let the world stop you from what you were put
• 1:18:18
  Speaker 1: on this earth to be and become and do. And
• 1:18:23
  Speaker 1: until next time, I thank you guys for joining me.
• 1:18:26
  Speaker 1: And we will see you guys next time. Y'all have
• 1:18:30
  Speaker 1: a good day.