Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / SMNTY Classics: The Impossible Goal

Transcript

SMNTY Classics: The Impossible Goal · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to Stefan
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Never told You affection of iHeart Radio, and welcome to
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: our first recording session of twenty twenty four. But yes,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: if we sound a bit rusty, we're getting back into
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: this way.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: I think it's.
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: Because we're rusty.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Rusty, Yes, yes, but I did select a handful of
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: classics that I wanted to bring back because I personally,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: and I have a Monday mini coming up about this.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: Am annoyed by a lot of the New Year's emails
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: I'm getting. Oh no, no, I mean they're from companies,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: they're from Yes, it's not me. No, I'll compeared from
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: you always.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: Because I don't think I emailed you. You emailed me first.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I'm the problem with me.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Well, no, no, no, I just feel that there's so
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: many about like be the better you and do this,
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: do this, do this, and so I'm just bringing back
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: some things where like.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: You know, let's counter that a bit.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And one is one you and I did called
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: the Impossible Goal, and it was about setting goals for
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: yourself that weren't realistic, kind of setting yourself up for
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: a failure, chasing perfection and how that's just not good
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: for you. And I do think there's a space for
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: really healthy goals and really healthy like self reflection, introspection
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: and doing that. But I think a lot of the
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: marketing I'm getting around New Year's it's not that they
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: just want you to buy something exactly anyway. Yes, welcome
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: to twenty twenty four. Please enjoy this classic. Hey, this
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Steph. Mom never
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: told you a protection of iheartradios how stuff work. Today
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about women and the Impossible Goal,
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: and Samantha and I love a good title. Yes, So
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: that's partly where this came from. And then it just
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: trickled out into all the things that did it did.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: And I will say, as I was typing in Possible Goal,
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: the first thing that came up for like three pages
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: was a goal scored by Roberto Carlos and people like dissecting.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: How it happened, how it happened.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: So we're not talking about that.
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: And if we want to talk about goals like that,
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: we want to talk about women's soccer, we say usay, yeah,
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: ladies get paid.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, that's uh, definitely topic for upcoming podcast. So
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: when we're talking about the the impossible goal, I think
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: as women, we have a tendency to set goals for
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: ourselves that are in fact impossible. So we are setting
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: ourselves up for failure. And it reminds me of this
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: song that I used to sing at karaoke. Yeah, it's
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: no surprise to me that I am my own worst enemy.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Everybody sing along, Oh it's stuck in your head?
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: Wow, that lit song.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't like you right now? Well is ever
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: going to be in my head?
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: Well? You did it.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: A lot of people wrote in about that other song
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: you sang in the routine episode, So that's cool.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: What was that song I don't want to hear? Weard
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: of that again, Warwick song, Don't Move On?
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: So, oh, we're sabotaging ourselves essentially, and part of that
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: is trying to get past unfit expectation society has on women.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: This all female cast movie better be good.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: And we're never making another one again, right, even though
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of all male cast movies that aren't very.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: Good, and they get made all the.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Time and sequeled and see Golden In Trilogy and all that.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: It happens, and some of those expectations we've internalized and
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: put on ourselves.
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and I would say this whole nonsense of having
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: it all is also a way of setting us up
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: for impossible goals and failures, which, by the way, did
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: you know it was actually based on a book by
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: Helen Gurley Brown.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: I feel like I did know.
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think you knew this soon In nineteen eighty
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: two she wrote having it All, love, success, sex, money,
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: even when you start with nothing, and you know what,
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: nineteen eighty two. I can understand this need for motivational
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: pushing for women at that point in time because at
• 4:48
  Speaker 4: that era we were still doing the housewive, being at
• 4:52
  Speaker 4: home whatever the right, and still obviously seen as second
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: class in the world working world.
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: And I say that very generically.
• 5:03
  Speaker 4: However, now that seems almost like as a curse. And
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: this whole idea of if you're not at this point
• 5:10
  Speaker 4: in life and at this goal, then what's wrong with you? Yeah,
• 5:14
  Speaker 4: kind of concept, which again is sabotaging yourself in this
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: whole impossible goal of you must And by the way,
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: it's also with this one set of you need to
• 5:24
  Speaker 4: be perfect that sucks. You need to be perfect at
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: getting money, you need to be perfect at being a wife,
• 5:27
  Speaker 4: you need to be perfect being a partner, all those things.
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: It's bullshit.
• 5:32
  Speaker 4: But that's also one of those ways of like, why
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: is this set on women? And it is specifically geared
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: towards those who identify as female.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it has huge implications. Think of all the
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: women who previously haven't run for office are applied to
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: leadership positions and because they believe they aren't qualified, that
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: they aren't good enough men in power, legislating women's bodies
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: being in these basis for women, those aren't impossible goals,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: they aren't. But being perfect in those roles that isn't impossible.
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: I mean Senator Kirsten Gillibrand actually talks about it as
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: well and rewarding it to being doing it all, which
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: still seems kind of impossible, but hey, you can do it.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: And an important thing to say here is sometimes we
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: tell ourselves a goal is impossible when it isn't, like
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: in this case, like you can run for office, right,
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: but it's the perfection part that makes it impossible in
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: those roles. But also a lot of things I looked
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: up said you get into this self help arena of
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: don't nothing's impossible. Some things are impossible, right, but that
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: I don't want to put any limits on anybody, like
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: ask yourself why you think something is impossible?
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: Right, as well as the fact that we have to
• 6:51
  Speaker 4: remember your all is different from other people's all, so
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: having it all the impossible goal is very, very different.
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: And what we're talking.
• 7:02
  Speaker 4: About is that that standard of feeling.
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: Like we might fail and then we.
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: Going to an utter deep hole because we failed in
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: some way, which is going to be inevitable. You're going
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: to fail at something, and that doesn't have to be
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: such a bad thing.
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: It's not.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: It's a learning experience.
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: You get up, you move on, keep going.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I wish I could remember because this was a very
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: formative memory in my life.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: I wish I could remember this formative memory. I wish
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: I could remember what book it was from.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: But I was reading this book when I was nine
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: years old, and it had this line in there that said,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: the unfortunate truth for American children is that they're told
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: all of their dreams are possible, but they aren't. You
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: read this is yes, and it was comparing like the
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: American dream to it's like in the UK, kids aren't
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: told that no I just remember being devastated.
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: Oh no, no, I can't.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: The wool has been over my eyes this whole time,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: foolish nine year old Annie.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: And I did want to add in here too.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: There are some goals that I would say are near impossible,
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: that you're essentially setting yourself up for failiar with these
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: two are that they're unhealthy to try to achieve.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Like for me, the cool girl one is.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: A good example, because I tried to do that for
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: so long and I succeeded for a little bit, and
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: it wasn't healthy, and just like that constant, you were
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: like falling and always trying to catch yourself right.
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: The same thing for me with being like the perfect
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: Christian girl when I was very caught up in that
• 8:37
  Speaker 4: in college and feeling like I was failing all the
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: time and feeling depressed because I couldn't meet that standard
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: of being the subservient. And not that all religions are
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: like that, and not that all not everybody's practicing Christianity
• 8:49
  Speaker 4: is like that, but in my specific sect, we're supposed
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: to be the supporter, and you know, the encourager and
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: the and the good person that you know sits back
• 8:57
  Speaker 4: and supports at home type of thing. And obviously, I
• 9:03
  Speaker 4: think if you've gotten a little taste of my personality,
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: that is not who I am, thank god, and so
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: feeling like I was failing at that watching other women
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: who can do that and who are great at that
• 9:14
  Speaker 4: and who love doing that great, it just wasn't me, right.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's the comparison trap, right right. But let's
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: talk about self sabotage here, because that's kind of what
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: is going on or as part of this whole impossible
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: goal thing. Self sabotaging behavior is pretty much what it
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: sounds like, any type of behavior that gets in the
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: way of a goal that you've set up for yourself.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: And we can do it in pretty much any part
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: of our life, relationships, at work. Some of the most
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: common ways we self sabotage procrastination, stress eating, self medicating
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: with drugs or alcohol, and or interpersonal conflict.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: And I self medicate.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: For sure, and then I stretch it because I'm medicated
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: away my judgment.
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: So you do the four o'clock at four am Chinese ordering, Yes,
• 10:09
  Speaker 4: that's from you, yes, yes.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: And in fact, there's a joke around the office because
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: people I know which places will deliver to you at
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: four am and it's only three and they don't have
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: the best menus, and people make fun of me.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: For anything from her place.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah, those are kind of shitty places.
• 10:26
  Speaker 4: I think we can all say we all have habits
• 10:29
  Speaker 4: of self sabotaging. I mean, we see our old habits
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: that are obvious signs of our fears and insecurities, and
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: it's very quick, it's almost our go to.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Reaction m And typically these behaviors are really small, but
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: they add up. Sometimes they start small and they escalate,
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: and you might catch yourself thinking, well, why do I
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: do this to myself? Why do I keep putting myself
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: in these situations? Why can't I learn things like that right?
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And that begs the question why do we do these things?
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Why do we purposefully get in our own way? When
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: you think about it, it doesn't on the surface makes sense,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: but experts have some suggestions.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: A big one is self worth.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: If you don't believe you are worthy of success, you
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: might get in your own way, and this usually coincides
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: with feelings of inadequacy that push you to work harder,
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: which is interesting because you're working harder, but also you
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: don't think you're succeeding, and when that hard work does
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: result in some type of success, that's when the self
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: sabotage typically comes in. And we see this manifest in
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: so many ways for women. We feel like we have
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: to constantly prove ourselves, but that we never are.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: Enough, that we haven't earned success in some way. It
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: was a fluke.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: It was because our boss thinks are pretty imposter syndrome
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: runs them up. Yeah, and again with the impossible goal.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: If you have set yourself up for something that you
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: can't get to, I feel like it's it makes sense
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: to me why you would sabotage yourself then, because then
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: you are controlling the fact that you can't fin.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: You can have an excuse about why you.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: Feel exactly and that is that is another reason.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: We'll come back to you. But how does this work?
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: How do we convince ourselves we're a failure when we
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: have all of these signs we're not. People have asked
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: me this like in person because they've heard the podcast
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: and said, I cannot believe you think when you've clearly
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: done this, this and this, and oh, I can tell
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: you it's cognitive dissonance. If we believe we are a failure,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: to start with. If our self worth is low, but
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: we have accomplishments to show that we're not. Our brain
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: corrects that inconsistency by sabotaging ourselves by giving ourselves proof. No,
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: see I failed here, See, so I am a failure.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: And this comes back to those studies that have shown
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: that girls who do worse in math because they internalize
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: message that girls are worse than So they don't want
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: to prove out the stereotype. So you sabotage yourself purposely.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: You didn't try. Therefore, right, you can't. It doesn't confirm
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: the stereotype necessarily.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: And I did. I did the same thing.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: I h math was my favorite subject in school, and
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: then I got to high school and it became just
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: very like somebody outright told me girls don't like math.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: Wow, boys don't want to date girls. I don't like math.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: And of course at the time that was my whole world.
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: I actually said that to you.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: A teacher said that to me.
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: That's such an archaic idea.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: What yep? Yep? Teacher said that to me?
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: Was male or female?
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: Female?
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: Really? Y yes?
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: She said, all the boys won't like it, You're gonna trend.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: They're like being smarter.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: But that's super weird.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, and I dropped out of it had a
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: huge impact. I stopped taking calculus. It was my favorite subject.
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: That's heartbreaking.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: And the dude tell me because I was beating him
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: and he picked on me and got his friends to
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: pick on me.
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: What a dick. That's just a plain out dick.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: Here's yeah.
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: Another big reason is control, control over failure. If the
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: possibility of failure is too real, too scary, you might
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: engineer it yourself. And yeah, that's a big motivator or
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: the like thereof the fear of failure and rejection.
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: I feel like that's one of my big things.
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: I'm an all or nothing, so if I'm not the
• 14:30
  Speaker 4: best at it, I'm not gonna do it, which is.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: An absurd idea.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of my friends, my female
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: friends in particular. I'd have to think about my male friends,
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: but a lot of my female friends are too, that's interesting.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: Perceived fraudulence is another big one. It's very similar to
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: imposter syndrome. The further up you climb in whatever ladder,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: the farther you have to fall, So the more responsibility
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: you have, the more people depending on you. The more
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: people you have to let down if you fail. So
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: the more people that think of you as successful, the
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: more you call yourself successful, the more you might attract
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: the attention of people who could call you a fraud, who,
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: in your mind, will see through you, will see you
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: for the failure you believe that you are. So you
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: feel like a fake and you're worried. The more attention
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: you draw to yourself, the more people will realize that
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: you are a fake, that you are a failure.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: So you sabotage yourself.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: If something makes you feel like a fake, you're less
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: likely to do that thing and more likely to do
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: anything else to distract yourself.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm feeling a little bit attacked right now.
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: This is just just say I just feel a bit attacked.
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: So slowly row.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of people can connect to this. Yes,
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: consistency and familiarity. If you're used to failing, if you're
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: used to being abused, neglected, and mistreated, you might put
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: yourself in that position again, because while it might not
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: make you happy, consistency is comforting the devil, you know.
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: As I say, right, and this goes in line with
• 16:05
  Speaker 4: the generational abuse. It's this whole idea that if it's normal,
• 16:11
  Speaker 4: then it's better than what you don't know.
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: So it becomes a cyclical thing.
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: You've seen this in your family, you've seen this in
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: your childhood, so this is what this is correct, and
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: you move on because it's more comforting, oddly enough, to
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: have something you know, you know what's going to be
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: the outcome.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, And if you.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: I feel like, if you've experienced a lot of failure
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: and that can get you down right, absolutely right, then
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: you just feel like almost like not trying your hardest,
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: because that's.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: That's a pessimistic view. That's my worldview. A lot of
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: the times, I'm like.
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: Eh, well, if I expect less, then I'll be pleasantly
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: surprised if it's better than that.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: My saying in high school was expect the worst, hope
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: for the vest.
• 16:59
  Speaker 4: Yes, yes, And that has always been the thing for me.
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: I'm like, Okay, I want to come in thinking it's
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: going to be awful, and then when it's not, we'll
• 17:06
  Speaker 4: be like.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: Oh, that's cool. M hm, that was a good day,
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: which is an awful habit, y'all.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: Self Sabotage is also a convenient scapegoat.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: So when things go wrong, you.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: Can blame your self sabotage and behavior as opposed to
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: you yourself, Like, for instance, I failed because I'm a procrastinator,
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: when inside you might really be thinking I've failed because
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not smart. So procrastinating is easier than admitting that
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: you don't want to. I mean, I've known people that
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: have done it, But in a conversation it's easier to
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: be like, oh, I put that off to the last minute,
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: so I didn't do a good job, as opposed to I.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: Just feel like I'm not very smart put together, Yeah,
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: just to put it together quickly.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, boredom. Sometimes we want some excitement, so what do
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: we do. We stir up some trouble, sabotage ourselves.
• 17:50
  Speaker 4: But yes, the whole drama idea, you need a little
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: more excitement, so therefore you cause a little fuss.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I feel like in that case too, there's
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: usually something you're avoiding that's scaring you.
• 18:03
  Speaker 4: But to be fair, there are definitely those males out
• 18:06
  Speaker 4: there that like to just pick a fight for no
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: damn reason.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: Oh sure, I think this is pretty equal.
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so the drama Queen is unnecessary titled because anybody
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: keep it could be a drama queen.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: I'm gonn just put that as a title as a
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: whole non gendered.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: I feel like drama queen is very much another way
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: of gaslighting, or it has been used someway. Yes, Ultimately, though,
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: most self sabotaging behavior stems from fear of failure, trying
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: your best and failing not being enough even when you
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: gave it everything you have. It's a protective behavior. Fear
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: activates a stress response, which leads us to take actions
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: to protect ourselves from being hurt, in this case, usually emotionally.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: And you may have heard this called the paper tiger,
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: the fact that we're not really having to deal with
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: tigers anymore, but we have all these stressors at work,
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: and our body is interpreting them, our brain is interpreting
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: them like we used to interpret biggers.
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: Did we interpret tigers?
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: Scary?
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: There? Oh?
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: Oh okay, okay, okay. Making sure I'm on the same.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: Cat that I need to put right.
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: I kind of want to be like, can I just
• 19:16
  Speaker 4: hug it and then it mauls my face? I guess
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: that would be the tiger idea, because it mauls your face.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And I think a lot of that also stems
• 19:25
  Speaker 4: from just the fear of rejection in general.
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: I know, and abandonment issues. For me.
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: If I fail, that means someone doesn't like me in
• 19:34
  Speaker 4: my mind, or someone's not gonna like me, or someone's
• 19:36
  Speaker 4: gonna be disappointed with me or disapprove of me. Yeah,
• 19:39
  Speaker 4: and all of those things mean I'm going to be rejected.
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: And that's kind of that whole. As long as I'm
• 19:44
  Speaker 4: great at it, I'll do it. If I'm not good
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: at it, or if I don't know if I'm gonna
• 19:47
  Speaker 4: be good at it, I won't do it. It's such
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: a weird concept, but I think there's a lot of
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: people who have that basis that it kind of just
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: that cleanliness of I need to be like or being
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: in a positive manner. So if these are things that
• 20:05
  Speaker 4: make me look bad, I'm not gonna do it.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: And I do think.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: For a lot of women or other marginalized people, you
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: do feel that pressure to be like I don't want
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: to do a bad job, and they think all women
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: do a bad job because women aren't common in this
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: particular occupation or something like that. So you do feel
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: an increased pressure and an increased fear of failure, and
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: that might keep you from trying at all, which is terrible.
• 20:36
  Speaker 4: And then the whole competitive nature of if I do something,
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: I have to be better at this than this person,
• 20:41
  Speaker 4: and typically is males like I have to be better
• 20:44
  Speaker 4: at them to show that I'm actual because honestly, you're
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: not going to get recognition unless that is the case.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: Right, and you're probably judged more harshly. And that's another
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: part of this whole impossible goal thing, is we're competing
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: against a system that's not necessarily set up as exactly
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: exactly anyway. All right, we have some more for you,
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: But first we're gonna pause for a quick break for
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: a word from a sponsor, and we're back, Thank you, sponsor,
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: And we're gonna.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: Talk about relationships.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: When it comes to relationships, this fear of failure often
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: gets tied up with if you're a projection like you
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: were talking about, Samantha, and I feel this stuff all
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: the time. If the person sees me for the real me,
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: they will leave. I am not lovable. So we take
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: this sabotaging behavior and incorporate it into our relationships because
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: if we believe that stuff deep down, we don't want
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: someone in our minds to prove it by leaving us.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: That hurts.
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: That hurts.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: It hurts anyway, but that really hurts, and we don't
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: want to have to face the emotional trying truth either way.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: Like, either it is true and that's awful, and it's.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: Not true by the way, but you believe it to
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: be true, so you feel it all right, isn't true
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: and you have to face w you feel that way?
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: Right? Either way, it's difficult.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can manifest by going all
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: in too quickly and then retreating, having sexual early and
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: feeling resentful about it, making too many demands.
• 22:28
  Speaker 4: I mean, I think it also could be slutshaming yourself.
• 22:31
  Speaker 4: I think people have this whole issue of why did
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: I do that? Oh my god, I'm a slot. He's
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: gonna see me as a slot. I'm doing this, this
• 22:37
  Speaker 4: and this and this, and that's kind of self sabotaging
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: instead of just enjoying and embracing whatever happened. Right, it
• 22:45
  Speaker 4: could be a beautiful moment. At the same time, yes,
• 22:47
  Speaker 4: it could be too quick.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: According to some psychologist, self sabotaging behavior is one of
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: the primary reasons most of us who don't want to
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: be single are single, and three main beliefs are to blame.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: I'm better off single, I don't have time to date,
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: or I'll probably just get cheated on.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: Dang, that last one is real, real, harsh.
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: It is it is.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: I have a friend who operates under that, perhaps all
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: the makers.
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: So when it comes to professional setting, we've outlined some
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: ways the impossible goal of perfection keeps us from success
• 23:27
  Speaker 4: and oftentimes even trying, like the imposter syndrome. Some other
• 23:31
  Speaker 4: ways women specifically self sabotage themselves at work are thinking
• 23:34
  Speaker 4: too small, allowing concern about failure to overwhelm us and
• 23:38
  Speaker 4: prevent us from progressing, trying to.
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: Do it all, Oh, trying to do it all.
• 23:43
  Speaker 4: Putting limitations on ourselves like Captain Yes, not being truthful
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: about our desires, and comparing ourselves to other women or
• 23:54
  Speaker 4: to our younger selves, and bringing down other women, which
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: is so sad and so ugly. I don't know that
• 24:00
  Speaker 4: could be said for all that, not just in professionalism,
• 24:03
  Speaker 4: but having to take down other women for our own whatever.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: That's true, you could really apply that to relationship.
• 24:11
  Speaker 4: Yeah, relationships, because I feel like the same when relationships
• 24:14
  Speaker 4: when someone cheats.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: As we were talking about quick to blame the women.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: I know, and I think I'm very much like Nope.
• 24:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I remember in high school we had that situation
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: where two good friends of mine and this one dude
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: and the women got mad at each other and I
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: got pissed at the dude. I was like, this is
• 24:29
  Speaker 4: all your fault, you asked, right, But that's the thing,
• 24:33
  Speaker 4: is that it so quick? Why is that the first concept,
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: like the first ideas it's her fault. We're so gared
• 24:41
  Speaker 4: and we're so taught that we have to fight each
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: other hm instead of being there to uplift each other.
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: It's absurd and celebrate one another because it's this whole
• 24:50
  Speaker 4: idea that can only be one, is it?
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: Like?
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: What is that outlander?
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah, highlander?
• 24:58
  Speaker 4: But you know what I mean, Like, the whole idea
• 24:59
  Speaker 4: is that can't be more than one successful woman.
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: That's too many. That's too many, that's too many.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just another insidious way of keeping us succeeding
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: nagynistic world. And we wanted to touch briefly on self
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: destructive behavior. We talked a little bit about this in
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: our Trauma mini series and self sabotaging behavior can verge
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: on or become self destructive. They're pretty similar, and there
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: has been some recent science around why we do this
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: when in theory, we are hardwired evolutionarily to survive, So
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: why would we be doing these destructive things. A lot
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: of this was this recent research was looking into things
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: like global warming. Some experts suggest that people who engage
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: in self destructive behavior might actually feel things more strongly
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: than others. And this is all very new research, but
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: interesting stuff. More researchers needed. And then this brings us
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: to perfection. Serena Williams wrote an essay related to all
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: of this that I love, and here's the.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: Quote from it.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: I want to make it clear that perfection is an
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: impossible goal and should never be a true pursuit in life.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: While I think all women are superheroes, we are not superhuman,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: and we need each other's support. We need to give
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: each other grace when we fall short, and when society
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: sets unrealistic expectations on our workplaces or our workplaces have
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: antiquated rules, we must band together and fight for what's fair.
• 26:29
  Speaker 4: Did you read the new article from her, so you
• 26:33
  Speaker 4: know Serena Williams was on Harbor bizarre, and she addressed
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: the issue with the controversy last year about the bad
• 26:40
  Speaker 4: calls essentially, and she talked about the fact that she
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: felt so guilty that she needed to text Naomi Osaka,
• 26:46
  Speaker 4: her opponent, to apologize, and it was really really nice
• 26:49
  Speaker 4: to see this whole concept, even though I think she
• 26:51
  Speaker 4: was absolutely right. I think it was a sexless call
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: all those things.
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: However, she was like.
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: I did get really worried my head that I ruined
• 27:01
  Speaker 4: this woman's moment who did a phenomenal job. And that's
• 27:04
  Speaker 4: the one thing I wanted to make sure about anything
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: I felt guilty, and this is the one thing I regret.
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: This is all paraphrasing obviously, that this was taken away
• 27:13
  Speaker 4: from her her victory. And then she says in a response,
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: and Osaka's response was fantastic when she was like, yeah,
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: keep trail blazing, keep going.
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: This needs to be said a lot of these things.
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: Are You're right, this is.
• 27:26
  Speaker 4: A sexist industry essentially, So I do love that and
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: her own talk about imperfection. When we see her as
• 27:31
  Speaker 4: an iconic goal for many many athletes see her as
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: the iconic goal. She's like, this is where I failed,
• 27:38
  Speaker 4: and this is where I can call out my own mistakes.
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: I love that.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's beautiful.
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: Beautiful thing. Love women love each other.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: Something else, Amy Pohlar. Something else.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: Amy Pohler said, Yes, she has a lot of quotes
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: about this. One of my favorites is what else are
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: we going to do?
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: Say no?
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Say no to an opportunity that may be slightly out
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: of our comfort zone, quite our voice, because we are
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: worried it is not perfect. I believe great people do
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: things before they are ready, Amy Polar Polar I want
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: to be her friend me too. I just want her
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: to come tell me inspirational things like that, So much.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Money do you have? I wonder if we can put
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: this in the budget fifty bucks? Maybe?
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: I mean.
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, But I mean that is that.
• 28:28
  Speaker 4: Is a good question as we go back and forth
• 28:30
  Speaker 4: this why why do we need to be perfect?
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: Where did this come from? Who? Who said it has
• 28:37
  Speaker 3: to be all or nothing? Like? Why do we have
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: to have these standards?
• 28:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: And I think there there's a lot, I mean probably
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: obviously a lot going on with with why we think
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: we have to be all or nothing as women?
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: And I think a lot of it is.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: That that just like insecurity, we're constantly built from fed
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: and then we build an internalize and we feel like
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: we have to be this good.
• 29:04
  Speaker 4: I mean, it's constant thing of when you succeed in
• 29:06
  Speaker 4: one thing, the next question is what about the next thing?
• 29:09
  Speaker 4: Kind of like the whole marriage idea, when you're dating
• 29:12
  Speaker 4: one for a long time, when you're getting engaged, when
• 29:14
  Speaker 4: you engaged, when you're getting married, when you're married, when
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: you're gonna have kids, Like, it's just this whole weird
• 29:19
  Speaker 4: like one thing is not good enough to be celebrated,
• 29:21
  Speaker 4: you have to look at the next step.
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry that brought back a memory. I haven't thought
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: it a while. Brow. I used to teach this class
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: on dating and China.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: So yeah, oh, and the kids they were asking, they
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: were like high school kids, and they were asking me, so,
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: what happens after the first date? And I was like,
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: usually a second date, and they kind of just kept
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: asking and asking, and I was like, well, eventually you
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: get married. And they all gasped like I still don't
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: know why.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: I still don't know why.
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: That was a shocking ending for them.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: I think they were interpreting it as like and they
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: can speak pretty pretty good English. But I think it
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: was just they didn't understand that I was. There was
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: a time jumping there not that soon, but eventually you
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: get married.
• 30:12
  Speaker 3: Day five we're married.
• 30:13
  Speaker 4: You know what sometimes people do, sometimes they don't go
• 30:16
  Speaker 4: for it either way.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: Yes, anyway, if any of those students happen to be listening,
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: I'd love to hear from you. We do have a
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: little bit more for you listeners, but first we have
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: one more quick break for word from our sponsor.
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: And we're back.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: Thank you sponsor.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: So we have some advice if if you catch yourself
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: engaging and self sabotaging behavior, which like we've mentioned, probably
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: everyone does, there are a couple of things that you
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: can do, and the big one is noticing them at step.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: First step, take note of any of those things that
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: you're doing, any self judgments, and try to stop and
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: think where are they coming from?
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: And then redefine how you view success.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: Yes, put a focus on the effort part as opposed
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: to the outcome. That's not to say, sort of the
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: outcome out the window, but like you know, it's the
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: journey and not the destination.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: At least think about that.
• 31:24
  Speaker 4: I love that when you said journey, you literally did
• 31:26
  Speaker 4: a hand up.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: Yes, you have to do that in motion which journey
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: every listener knows and they're.
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: Doing it like they do a wave up to the
• 31:35
  Speaker 4: sky exact flowy wave.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: Change the way you view failure as a learning experience
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: two hundred ways not to make a light bulb, for example,
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: Or I know when I do acting and when I
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: have to do an audition and I don't get it,
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: I see it as an opportunity to like practice and.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: To play the character the.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: Way I would play it and hopefully do a really
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: good job. And people are like, you know what, not
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: this time, but maybe next time. Or are a pop
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: culture example thank you next from Ori UNDERGROUNDE learn things
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: from thank you X and then moved on. Work on
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: yourself worse and where your self worth comes from. Don't
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: depend on other people for your self worth. Making others
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: happy or feel loved, sure, but not the value that
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: they are assigning you. Be kind towards yourself and recognize
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: emotions for what they are and where they come from. Right.
• 32:34
  Speaker 3: You just may have had too much caffeine that day.
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: And we all have bad days.
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: We all have bad days exactly.
• 32:41
  Speaker 4: Accept compliments and constructive criticisms from trusted sources. Yes, you know,
• 32:45
  Speaker 4: And I think that's good both with like therapy as
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: well as good friends. I have a good crowd. That's
• 32:53
  Speaker 4: what I've thought about having. Who I go, Tom. I
• 32:56
  Speaker 4: was having a really crappy weekend, and so one of
• 33:00
  Speaker 4: my ways of trying to get myself out of a
• 33:02
  Speaker 4: funk is being around people I know that I can
• 33:05
  Speaker 4: trust and be down with, but they're gonna uplift me. Yeah,
• 33:08
  Speaker 4: you know, that's always a good thing. Identify some impossible
• 33:12
  Speaker 4: goals in your life. Oh and here are some common ones. Yes,
• 33:16
  Speaker 4: pleasing amble one not gonna happen.
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: I'm arning. I'm learning that very quickly with this podcast.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: Yes, podcasting is a great way.
• 33:24
  Speaker 4: To learn that, to build that hard shell and be like, Okay,
• 33:27
  Speaker 4: you don't have to like me, that's fine, moving on.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: Hm.
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: Being in love all the time, that new exciting part
• 33:35
  Speaker 4: of love not gonna happen.
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: I laugh. I'm sorry, I laugh because that's so true.
• 33:41
  Speaker 4: Like everything, it is such a whole idea of love
• 33:45
  Speaker 4: is an action, and it may not be every day
• 33:48
  Speaker 4: you feel a certain way. Shoot, I don't like a
• 33:50
  Speaker 4: lot of people every day, but I may love them.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think to just I know some friends
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: who have been in marriages for a couple and then
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: you you lose the spark, as they say. And that's
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: not to say you won't get it back, but it's just,
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: you know, it's not going to be that like super exciting.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: We just met and oh my gosh, I want to
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: learn everything about you every second with you.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: It's not gonna be that all the time.
• 34:15
  Speaker 4: And a part of marriage and compromises to get past
• 34:17
  Speaker 4: those points to work back up, yeah, renew that spark.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then it's kind of a you know, hit
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: or miss. I was gonna say, okay, okay, but I
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: guess I guess it could be hit or miss, especially
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: if you made that face.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
• 34:33
  Speaker 4: Yes, I'm a little data today. Never needing help. That's
• 34:38
  Speaker 4: not a true statement. It's okay to ask for help,
• 34:42
  Speaker 4: and as in fact, that is a showing of strength
• 34:45
  Speaker 4: knowing your limits. Knowing your limits is a good thing
• 34:49
  Speaker 4: because it is impossible to do everything without anyone. So yeah,
• 34:58
  Speaker 4: and then always being able to do what we could
• 35:00
  Speaker 4: do when we were younger.
• 35:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like this is a slap in my face.
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: Because I feel like my body is slowly like just
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: giving up this race told me a lot. I want
• 35:12
  Speaker 4: you to know that this hull ten k that we
• 35:14
  Speaker 4: just completed, Yeah, told me a lot about my body.
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: Like no, just no, Well you also had it run
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: in a while.
• 35:23
  Speaker 4: That's true, but the paints are different now. I'm like,
• 35:26
  Speaker 4: this hurts now, This hurts now, this hurts now, this
• 35:29
  Speaker 4: did not hurt before.
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: That's fair, that's fair. M.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: And then another thing I would add is learning the
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: difference between something that is extremely difficult and something that
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: is impossible. There are some things humans have told themselves
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: that are impossible but turned out not to be, Like
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: four minute mile, I would say, probably going to space,
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: which is not possible for everyone, but if everyone told
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: themselves it was impossible, no one would have pulled it off. Again,
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: also with a healthy dose of is this a healthy thing?
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: I'm in writing.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: Because I feel like if I again the cool girl,
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: that wasn't healthy.
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: So examine those kinds of things.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: And I did read some things that said, you know,
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: ask yourself why you think something is impossible, and if
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: it is, find a more realistic goal.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: If it isn't, don't let fear hold you back.
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: Have people to go with you.
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: So that brings us to the end of this episode,
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: and we would love to hear from you listeners how
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: you deal with these impossible goals or don't deal with them,
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: or self sabotaging behaviors. And you can email us at
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: Stuff Media, mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com, or you
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast or
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: always to our super producer Andrew Howard.
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: Thanks to you for listening.
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: Hey, Stuff I'll Never Told You is a protection of
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: iHeartRadio's house Stuff Works. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: your favorite shows.