Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #999 When Dad Isn't There & School Bus Stress

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#999 When Dad Isn't There & School Bus Stress · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 1: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, Hello and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. I
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  Speaker 2: am doctor Justin Corson. I'm the co host and parenting
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  Speaker 2: expert on that hit TV show that you might have
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  Speaker 2: seen on Channel nine and nine now, Parental Guidance, and
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  Speaker 2: also the author of a bunch of books about making
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  Speaker 2: your family happier, the Dad to six Daughters, and every
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  Speaker 2: Tuesday on the Happy Families Podcast, I answer your questions
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  Speaker 2: about how to make your family happier and grapple with
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  Speaker 2: the big challenges of helping kids to thrive. If you'd
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  Speaker 2: like to submit a question, go to Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 2: com dot a U and click on the podcast's link.
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  Speaker 2: Then all you have to do is push the record
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  Speaker 2: button and start talking. It's that simple. Here's our first
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  Speaker 2: question today.
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  Speaker 1: Hi, Justin and Carly. I'm a happy, energetic, three and
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  Speaker 1: a half year old boy. It's been asking where his
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  Speaker 1: dad is over a year, and it's now asking why
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  Speaker 1: his dad doesn't move with us. His dad is severe
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  Speaker 1: mental health and addiction issues and left when my son
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  Speaker 1: was twelve weeks old. How do I approach this with
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  Speaker 1: my son in a way that supports his own mental
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  Speaker 1: health and self esteem.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you well, Anonymous, Thank you so much for sending
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  Speaker 2: through this voicemail and asking the question. It sounds like
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  Speaker 2: you're really on the ball, doing a great job as
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  Speaker 2: a single mum. It is probably one of the toughest
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  Speaker 2: things that you could ever do, and I love the
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  Speaker 2: way that you've got your focus. Your focus here is
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  Speaker 2: I think right on. It sounds to me like you're
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  Speaker 2: trying to have a really healthy response to a very
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  Speaker 2: difficult situation. It sounds like you really want to honor
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  Speaker 2: your son's father, support your son, but also advocate for
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  Speaker 2: yourself in a developmentally appropriate way for your three and
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  Speaker 2: a half year old, which is not a small task.
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  Speaker 2: There's a lot of things to pull together here, So
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  Speaker 2: let's go through a couple of things that I reckon
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  Speaker 2: are going to be helpful. The first thing that I
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  Speaker 2: would say is, if you've got a little guy who's
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  Speaker 2: asking questions about dad, the questions are going to be
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  Speaker 2: fairly easy to navigate once you know what they are
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  Speaker 2: and can prepare some responses. My guess is who is
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  Speaker 2: my dad? Would be one of the questions He's probably
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  Speaker 2: also going to want to know why he's not here,
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  Speaker 2: and whether he's coming back, and if he can meet him,
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  Speaker 2: and whether maybe whether Dad misses him. When I think
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  Speaker 2: about life through the eyes of a three year old,
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  Speaker 2: these are the kinds of questions that I'd imagine a
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  Speaker 2: young boy is going to be asking about Dad. Now,
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  Speaker 2: my advice around this is that it's important that you
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  Speaker 2: tell the truth. But again, you want to tell the
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  Speaker 2: truth in a way that honor's dad, even though he's
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  Speaker 2: not present, supports your son because he really needs it,
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  Speaker 2: and is an appropriate way of self advocacy for you.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, what we're not wanting to do is make
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  Speaker 2: anyone into either a deemon or a victim here. How
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  Speaker 2: do you do that? Well, I think you stick to facts.
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  Speaker 2: You definitely don't overshare. I don't think that it's healthy
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  Speaker 2: at all to use your children as therapists, and it
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  Speaker 2: certainly doesn't sound like you're going to do it, but
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  Speaker 2: I do see it happening and hear of it happening
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  Speaker 2: far more than is useful. And also, don't reject your
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  Speaker 2: stuff onto your son. So how would you do that.
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  Speaker 2: Let's take those questions that I mentioned and imagine responding
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  Speaker 2: to them. So when you've got a son who says,
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  Speaker 2: who is my dad? I want to know who Dad is.
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  Speaker 2: I've never met him. Obviously, he's been gone since the
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  Speaker 2: kid was three months old. I would say, well, here's
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  Speaker 2: a photo. If you have any photos, show those photos.
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  Speaker 2: Let him have a photo of Dad on his bedside table.
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  Speaker 2: He may grow up to think that Dad is awesome.
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  Speaker 2: My guess is, as you answer the other questions, honestly,
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  Speaker 2: he's going to probably not go down that path, but
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  Speaker 2: may have a more realistic picture of him. But he
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  Speaker 2: still should love his dad. He's biologically wired to, he's
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  Speaker 2: designed to, and so long as he can do that
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  Speaker 2: in a safe way, I don't see any problems with it.
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  Speaker 2: So name Dad, photographs of Dad, share stories of Dad,
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  Speaker 2: Honor Dad, and talk about the positive experiences that you
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  Speaker 2: did have with him. Clearly, there's been a relationship that
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  Speaker 2: led to the conception of a child and the birth
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  Speaker 2: of a child. So let's honor what was good about
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  Speaker 2: it and try to move forward from there.
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  Speaker 3: Now.
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  Speaker 2: As for the question of why Dad's not here, I
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  Speaker 2: think again absolutely focus on the truth. You want to
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  Speaker 2: highlight that Dad had some really big problems his head
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  Speaker 2: didn't quite work in a healthy way. You might want
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  Speaker 2: to talk about mental health. It's hard to talk about
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  Speaker 2: mental health with the three rods, So keep it really,
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  Speaker 2: really simple. I mean, I'm sort of reading between the
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  Speaker 2: lines here, But if there are anger issues, say Daddy
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  Speaker 2: got angry a lot and we just decided that it
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  Speaker 2: until he could stop being angry, it was better that
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  Speaker 2: he wasn't with me. It's perfectly okay again to advocate
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  Speaker 2: for yourself and highlight that Dad's not perfect. He had
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  Speaker 2: some flaws and that's why he's not there. The one
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  Speaker 2: central thing that's important here is that your son doesn't
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  Speaker 2: think that dad's gone because of him. As for the
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  Speaker 2: question is he coming back, well as that one truth
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  Speaker 2: Philly as well. If the answer is no, say no, sweetheart,
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  Speaker 2: Daddy's not coming back. I don't talk to Dad. I
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  Speaker 2: don't have any interaction with him. We're not going to
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  Speaker 2: see him again. Let him know straight up. If that's
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  Speaker 2: not the case. If he is potentially going to be
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  Speaker 2: in the picture as he works himself out, then again,
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  Speaker 2: let your son know. But be really truthful, be really transparent,
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  Speaker 2: stick to the facts, and don't overshare. If your son
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  Speaker 2: wants to meet Dad. Again, the details matter here, and
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  Speaker 2: all the same things that I've shared absolutely apply. And
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  Speaker 2: the last question that I thought your little guy might
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  Speaker 2: be asking is does Dad miss me? I think this
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  Speaker 2: is a really sensitive question, and what it's getting at
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  Speaker 2: is am I lovable? Does Dad love me? Am I
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  Speaker 2: important to him? In relation to that question, I don't
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  Speaker 2: know how you answer it because I don't have the
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  Speaker 2: details of what's going on there, but I would hope
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  Speaker 2: that you could say to your little guy son, sweetheart, kiddo,
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  Speaker 2: I'm almost certain that he does, and let him have
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  Speaker 2: that feeling of safety and security in being lovable. And
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  Speaker 2: Dad's not here, not because of me, but because of
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  Speaker 2: his own stuff. What you're doing here is you're giving
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  Speaker 2: him the answers that he needs. I think that you're
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  Speaker 2: able to give him the tools to cope as well.
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  Speaker 2: Some other tools that you could give him to cope
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  Speaker 2: outside of the conversation, good male role models, just having
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  Speaker 2: good people in his life, Grandpa, uncle's friends. Maybe as
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  Speaker 2: he gets older, you could create some sort of a journal,
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  Speaker 2: some kind of a memory book of Dad. Perhaps, again,
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  Speaker 2: if that feels right for you, If it doesn't, disregardles,
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm speaking from a really large distance. But
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  Speaker 2: letters activities. I mean, if you can write a letter
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  Speaker 2: to dad and get a postcard back, Wow, that could
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  Speaker 2: potentially be great, unless that's not safe. Again, you need
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  Speaker 2: to use your discretion and your discernment around this. It
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  Speaker 2: is a tough situation. Look, it's tough to grow up
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  Speaker 2: without a dad. But with a mum who's willing to
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  Speaker 2: keep the conversation going in a supportive way while still
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  Speaker 2: advocating for herself and protecting her son, well that's powerful.
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  Speaker 2: And it's tough to raise a son solo. But again,
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  Speaker 2: if you can advocate for yourself, keep the conversation going,
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  Speaker 2: and support your son, my sense is that you're going
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  Speaker 2: to be able to do this in a really productive
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  Speaker 2: and positive way. Question number two.
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  Speaker 3: My name is Lisa and I'm calling from Canada. I
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  Speaker 3: listen to your podcast every day and I highly value
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  Speaker 3: your work. I have three children. The eldest is eleven
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  Speaker 3: and going into grade seven in September, which means that
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  Speaker 3: she will need to go to a new school. I
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  Speaker 3: had been planning to overtake the school bus, thinking that
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  Speaker 3: it would help build independence that would also help make
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  Speaker 3: the mornings easier. But then I listened to your podcast
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  Speaker 3: on pornography where it was casually mentioned that the school
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  Speaker 3: bus is triple X rated, and now I'm rethinking. Thanks,
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  Speaker 3: my daughter would be spending five hours a week on
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  Speaker 3: this bus, rade, and I want to do what's best
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  Speaker 3: for her. I really love your thoughts on this.
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  Speaker 2: Well, Lisa from Canada, thank you so much for listening
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  Speaker 2: every single day to every single episode that just I
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  Speaker 2: love the way podcasts can reach right around the world.
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  Speaker 2: It's great to have you listening. Thank you for doing that.
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  Speaker 2: And don't you hate those casual mentions of triple x
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  Speaker 2: rated content on the school bus? It gets into a psyche,
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  Speaker 2: doesn't It really affects the way that you're seeing things.
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  Speaker 2: Let's talk about this. You've highlighted the advantages, Lisa. The
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  Speaker 2: advantages of your eleven year old being on the school
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  Speaker 2: bus are significant. The first one that really needs emphasis
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  Speaker 2: is this is an opportunity for her to develop a
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  Speaker 2: really strong sense of independence, self efficacy, confidence, resilience. It's
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  Speaker 2: great for your daughter, that's the first thing. Secondly, the
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  Speaker 2: independence is great, but it makes your life so much easier.
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  Speaker 2: And I love my kids getting older because the older
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  Speaker 2: they get, the easier my life tends to be. The
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  Speaker 2: more they're able to do things independently, it feels good.
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  Speaker 2: I love that. So I'm going to share a model
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  Speaker 2: with you that I think will help here because that
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  Speaker 2: triple X issue, it can't be ignored. It does exist.
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  Speaker 2: It is a thing. On top of that, you've unfortunately
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  Speaker 2: got stuff like bullying and just exposure to degrading and
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  Speaker 2: course content we do. We work so hard to keep
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  Speaker 2: our kids safe, and then suddenly they hit sort of eleven, twelve,
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  Speaker 2: thirteen years of age, they start catching school buses, they
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  Speaker 2: start being exposed to things, and you think, oh, my goodness,
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  Speaker 2: all that hard work has kind of just vanished. It's
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  Speaker 2: gone out the window. The model that I want to
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  Speaker 2: share with you should be helpful for you in discerning
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  Speaker 2: the best way forward. And the model was developed by
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  Speaker 2: a researcher called Laura Walker. She's an adolescent researcher at
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  Speaker 2: Brigham Young University in the US. She came up with
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  Speaker 2: this model where she describes how we can cocoon our children,
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  Speaker 2: we can pre arm our children, and we can defer
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  Speaker 2: to our children. While we practice cocooning, pre arming, and
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  Speaker 2: deference to our kids, we can developmentally appropriately lead them
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  Speaker 2: along the path to their absolutely wonderful independence. Cocooning your
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  Speaker 2: kids means that you rup them up and hide them
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  Speaker 2: from the world. It means that you protect them, and
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  Speaker 2: there is a strong argument that we should be doing that,
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  Speaker 2: especially when they're young, or when they're being exposed to
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  Speaker 2: novel situations and they're not quite developmentally ready for them.
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  Speaker 2: Cocooning is a good thing. People say it's rubbish and
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  Speaker 2: we shouldn't do it, but there are absolutely appropriate times
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  Speaker 2: to do that. I could coon my little kids from
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  Speaker 2: things that I expose my big kids to and that's
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  Speaker 2: developmentally reasonable to do. Pre Arming is the second thing
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  Speaker 2: that we would talk about now. Pre Arming is what
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  Speaker 2: we say, Okay, I've cocooned you for a while, but
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  Speaker 2: pretty soon you're going to be at a point where
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  Speaker 2: you're going to be doing X, Y or Z. Catching
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  Speaker 2: the school bus, for example, and when you jump on
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  Speaker 2: that school bus, there's a strong chance that you're going
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  Speaker 2: to be exposed to this stuff explicit content or bullying
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  Speaker 2: or course language or I mean, whatever you want to
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  Speaker 2: throw into the list. If you can imagine it happening
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  Speaker 2: on the school bus, you mention it and say hmm,
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  Speaker 2: that's what's going on there. So we're pre arming our child.
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  Speaker 2: Now we don't just warn them that this stuff's coming up.
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  Speaker 2: We actually develop plans with them, We ask questions about them,
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  Speaker 2: We help them to identify their values around those challenges
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  Speaker 2: and issues. As we do that, then we move to deference.
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  Speaker 2: Deference is okay, I've pre armed you, you've got some
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  Speaker 2: runs on the board, you've gone and tried this stuff,
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  Speaker 2: You've had some experience in life. What do you think
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  Speaker 2: you should do in this situation? And you can see
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  Speaker 2: how as kids get older and have more experience and
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  Speaker 2: more maturity, and they become more conscious of their values
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  Speaker 2: and of what's going on in the world around them,
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  Speaker 2: you can see how you would move from cocooning to
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  Speaker 2: pre arming to deferring to them. Now, there's a couple
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  Speaker 2: of intermediate steps. You've got cocooning, and then you've got
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  Speaker 2: reasoned cocooning. Okay, that's where you go from just bubble
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  Speaker 2: wrapping them to explaining why you bubble wrapping them, which
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  Speaker 2: leads naturally into pre arming. And then you have reasoned
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  Speaker 2: deference where you explain what you think and then you
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  Speaker 2: defer to them based on your explanation and then you
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  Speaker 2: move into difference. Okay, that's just a little bit of
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  Speaker 2: additional detail on that model. In terms of your eleven
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  Speaker 2: year old jumping on this bus, I think that a
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  Speaker 2: three e's conversation, a pre arming three e's explore, explain
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  Speaker 2: in power conversation is what you want to do. Ask
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  Speaker 2: questions how you're feeling about the bus, what are you
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  Speaker 2: worried about, what do you feel good about? What do
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  Speaker 2: you think is going to be like? And then make plans.
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  Speaker 2: I see you're worried about this, this, and this. What
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  Speaker 2: do you reckon would be the best way to encounter
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  Speaker 2: this and move forward from it? And then you can
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  Speaker 2: help your child to establish some plans and maybe even
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  Speaker 2: establish some relationships to make the school bus feel safer.
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  Speaker 2: I'm always going to sit near the bus driver, for example,
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  Speaker 2: or I'm going to sit with friends that I know
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  Speaker 2: as safe and make me feel safer and stronger to
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  Speaker 2: be around. I'm going to work on communication so I
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  Speaker 2: get to talk to my parents every day when I
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  Speaker 2: come home about what's been going on, and over time, Lisa,
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  Speaker 2: I think that your daughter is going to feel not
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  Speaker 2: just pre armed, but safe and strong doing that. What
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  Speaker 2: you don't want to do is live in fear, and
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  Speaker 2: this model with the explore, explain empower process underpinning it
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  Speaker 2: is I think what it's going to take to help
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  Speaker 2: you to enjoy those mornings without having to do the
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  Speaker 2: school run, waving goodbye to your daughter and saying have
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  Speaker 2: a great day and trusting that she's going to be
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  Speaker 2: okay on the school bus. I think, for the most part,
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  Speaker 2: if you can work through this, she will be okay.
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  Speaker 2: And the best part is if she's not because you've
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  Speaker 2: been having these conversations, she's going to come home and
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  Speaker 2: communicate with you, which means that you'll be able to
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  Speaker 2: take the appropriate action. Lisa from Canada, thanks so much
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  Speaker 2: for your call. If you would like to submit a question,
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: we answer your questions every Tuesday on the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: All you need to do is go to Happy family
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  Speaker 2: dot com dot a U, click on the podcast's link,
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: and then record your question. It's that simple. The Happy
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  Speaker 2: Family podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer and for more information
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: about making your family happier, we'd love for you to
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: visit us at happy families dot com. Dot a